Coworker is seriously stressing me out. How to cope?

December 20, 2019 1:50 PM

My coworker seems to have hyperactivity/OCD or similar issues, monitors and makes comments on whatever is on my screen, ignores my verbal and nonverbal cues to leave me alone, talks to himself loudly, and insults/undermines my work on projects we have collaborated on. I need advice for addressing it before I start job hunting again.

I started a new job within the same company I had been contracting with in November of this year which, for the most part, has been ok. The workload is intense but I can handle it...when my coworker isn’t constantly interrupting me. The jist of the situation is that he seems to suffer from something neurologically that manifests in restlessness/hyperactivity/OCD and he can’t seem to just leave me alone so I can work. We sit next to each other in an open office with no real separation between our desks which, for someone on the spectrum like myself, is stressful enough as it is. This is a very programming intensive/analytical job so I need quiet and solitude to be able to think and perform on the level that is expected of me. But I will be working on multiple projects or ad hoc jobs with my headphones on and he will start bugging me about the one project he has been working on for months or his hobbies or something I don’t really care about because I have actual deadlines and stakeholders that rely on me. He will also constantly stare at or pass by my screen and comment loudly about how an article I am reading or what not isn’t “work.” This has been particularly bad lately despite my workload having been increased this month (several people have left abruptly, which may explain why this job was available to begin with). I’ve also been forced to work with him on a project that involves converting a tool from one platform to the next and he has undermined, insulted and dismissed everything I have contributed, even going so far as to go to another person on another team to ask them to write the exact same code he rejected from me. So now he’s basically taking on this weird “teacher” role with me despite me knowing just as much about the programming language in question as he does. Of course, he tries to one up me on everything, even if it’s how much food I’ve eaten in a given day. When not talking to me or someone else he mutters to himself.

I honestly don’t mind the guy when we’re talking shop or hobbies or what not but he’s seriously a disruptive asshole when I’m trying to work and can’t seem to reconcile whether he has respect for me or not (there is a significant age gap here, so while I have more education and skills in several languages he has way more industry experience and skill in others, which I have made very clear I respect). Sometimes he’ll just violently leap up and run around the office and no ones seems to really be bothered by it except me. I don’t know if the best course of action is to switch cubes or have my manager speak with him because he’s technically supposed to be training me on...some overly complicated process that could be automated in five minutes, so I have to basically work with him regardless. Otherwise I’d just ignore him.

Advice? I don’t want to be an asshole and confront him if he has a documented disability but I don’t know if I can stick this situation out for another year or two as it is. I’d rather not find another job because I am learning quite a bit via my projects and the pay is amazing. But holy shit this guy is making my life miserable.

posted by Young Kullervo to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I would probably speak to my manager about him before I commenced a job search.
posted by HiddenInput at 2:04 PM on December 20, 2019 [12 favorites]

the best course of action is to switch cubes or have my manager speak with him

I would support both of these things happening. Perhaps moving your desk will minimize the amount of drive by criticism he’s throwing your way, and what actual work you have to do together will be focused.
posted by klausman at 2:15 PM on December 20, 2019 [10 favorites]

I don't see an issue asking him to stop commenting on your work or talking to you about non-work topics when your headphones are on. Have you tried asking him to stop? Requiring coworkers to talk to you about your hobbies is probably not an approved accommodation. Right now, he has plausible deniability that he's just trying to make small talk and be friendly. I would also start verbally marking the insults in the moment, like "that's not a helpful thing to say" or "we need to work together, how would you do this differently" or "please explain what's wrong with this code."

Definitely also talk to your boss about a different workspace so you can focus, and also setting some expectations about how the training is going / how work is assigned.

Please do something soon! It sounds like your irritation with this guy is getting out of hand, and you need to address it before you get any saltier about it. He's being annoying, but armchair diagnosing him and dismissing his work ("*I* have actual deadlines and clients") is not going to help your case.
posted by momus_window at 2:26 PM on December 20, 2019 [5 favorites]

Best answer: 1st go to management and say, "I need some accommodation to make sure I can concentrate fully and produce my best work. I need to be relocated to a workspace where I will be interrupted less often. Right now I am being constantly interrupted so I need to move." Then suggest another workspace/cube. Or ask to work flex hours to avoid this guy, or work from home a day or two a week, or whatever you can do in the bounds of your company culture. stress that you need uninterrupted periods of quiet time throughout the workday to do your job, and you need to be moved to have that.

Stop making small talk with him about hobbies or anything else that turns into a longer conversation. Basically keep it to polite greetings and work related conversations, and that's it. Train him til he realizes talking to you about random stuff is boring. Let him find someone else who will entertain him or satisfy his craving for distraction.

If you are not allowed to move to another desk I would suggest you install a privacy screen like this one on any monitor/laptop and phone you use at your workstation. If anyone asks you what they're for, you can tell a white lie: "My mom gave me these to prevent eyestrain, they're working great, thanks for asking! I guess they also do this privacy thing, huh." These are a godsend for open plan offices.

As far as his dismissive and undermining behavior, I'm assuming you've asked him directly and politely to stop and he hasnt. Do that first. If that doesn't work, document it as much as you can and then have a meeting with your manager where you ask for clarification on how to handle his rude behavior, so a) what he is supposed to be training you on, if anything and b) how you are expected to handle his feedback on your work. What is he supposed to be supervising/editing and what is just him giving his opinion unsolicited? This way you know what to ignore. If he's not your boss or integrating your work with other stuff, it really does not matter what he thinks of you, your intelligence, or your code, etc.

Find out exactly how much involvement you need to have with him professionally and have ONLY juuuust that much. If he has a problem with something you do, acknowledge but be a gray rock; be boring; deflect. Try to keep as much as you can in writing. Email is ideal but Slack or text also works.

"I will be working on multiple projects or ad hoc jobs with my headphones on and he will start bugging me" Ok, once again assuming you have directly and politely asked him to stop and he hasn't listened to that: Just completely ignore him. Seriously. Don't take the headphones off, don't make eye contact.

If he taps your shoulder or waves his hand in your face (rude!) you can just say, "sorry, i'm in the middle of something right now, let's talk later." and either a) it's actually about work and he'll set a time for a meeting or chat, put it on the calendar and treat it like an appointment or b) it's some unrelated personal thing, so there is no "later" and you can safely ignore him.

Tell him to send you an email if he has a problem with something you're doing, and if he is actually dumb enough that he does that on his own, respond with a neutral acknowledgement/polite question as to what you should do, cc'ing your boss and his.

If he is complaining and insulting you in meetings, or just verbally one to one, follow up with email, documenting his comments and ask him to explain how he wants you to fix your mistake/whatever else. He will very quickly look like the asshole he is, and you will very quickly look like the reasonable, helpful coworker you are, so your boss is more likely to look out for you.

Sorry I wrote you a novel, but I remember my officemate like That Guy and it makes me angry to think about all the time I wasted even now!
posted by zdravo at 2:31 PM on December 20, 2019 [17 favorites]

Talk to your manager about it, not (initially) in order to ask your manager to do something about it, but rather in order to get your manager to buy into and support the strategies you'll use to create the boundaries yourself.
posted by ambrosen at 2:55 PM on December 20, 2019

Absolutely talk to someone in authority. Your manager and if that doesn't work, HR. Your point must always be how his behavior limits your performance. Never about him.
posted by tmdonahue at 4:35 PM on December 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

I agree with others that the first step is to step back from any kind of non-work talk with your co-worker, and you need to tell him directly not to interrupt. "I can't talk now" is fine.

Next, if that doesn't help, I would talk to your boss and describe your coworker's behavior that is the problem (he interrupts me to comment on my work; he makes loud remarks about the work I am doing) and avoid describing his personality or making a diagnosis. It's his behavior that's the problem.

You do seem to be spending a fair amount of time trying to figure out what's going on with him, but that doesn't matter. It's not necessarily for you to know, and someone could have a similar diagnosis and behave with perfect professionalism. Focus on the behavior, not the reasons for it.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:22 PM on December 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Ah sorry for trying to armchair diagnose. I tend to be really anxious around unpredictable/erratic people so I try to label it so I don’t feel as threatened. So far my anxiety outweighs my annoyance here.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:28 PM on December 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

If you've been diagnosed with Autism, you are entitled to reasonable accommodations under the American Disabilities act. If you're unable to resolve the issue by speaking with your coworker and supervisor, take it to HR. You may be able to get a private space to work, or flex time/telecommute.
posted by nirblegee at 10:23 PM on December 20, 2019

What have you tried? Have you leaned in and had a conversation with him about his behaviour and how it's affecting you? A direct conversation would be well in order with some curious questions and listening instead of defensiveness and accusations (not saying that's what you would do, just that it's a natural response to conflict and so important to be aware).
posted by 1000monkeys at 6:34 PM on December 21, 2019

Response by poster: I’ve tried using body language and words and tone to passively indicate I am not interested without being confrontational (I know that even if I am kind yet honest with my words it will make things weird). I also tend to just put on my headphones which I think would indicate I am not interested in conversation/trying to block out office noise so I can focus. But that doesn’t stop him from shoving his iPad in front of my keyboard or running around the office randomly which makes me uneasy because now I know he’s doing so to gawk at what’s on my monitor. So I don’t know what to say other than “If my headphones are on please don’t try to talk to me. Also what’s on my monitor is not your business.”

Seems odd that I should have to tell someone to behave professionally or to not disrupt my personal space. He’s not a child. No one else in the office behaves this way.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:21 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Another note is that if I tell him that I have to get back to work if I then take a 5 minute break from coding to read a stupid article or doodle just to rest my eyes/clear my head he’ll comment that what I’m reading/doodling “doesn’t look like work.” Like if I’m not working nonstop I should have time/the desire to talk to him. So he seems to feel entitled to my time and attention and I have no idea where he got that idea.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:26 AM on December 22, 2019

So I don’t know what to say other than “If my headphones are on please don’t try to talk to me. Also what’s on my monitor is not your business.”

I think you are at the point where you can say this aloud to your coworker. I have and would again. They may need this level of directness since they are not picking up on your subtleties.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:33 AM on December 23, 2019