Toxic situation at work . Should I quit?

February 23, 2016 11:05 PM

I recently got a full-time job for a contract position which I really like and am really for. But I also decided to keep my first job which is part-time because I had absolutely no savings before I got the new job. With both these jobs, I've been able to put money into my savings account and I feel a little more financially secure. The problem is, working at my old job is really beginning to take a toll on my mental health. I don't want to get into too much detail about that but long story short, my ex works there and things are not very great between us at this point in time (I have learned my lesson, office relationships are a very bad idea).

I think we both acted immaturely and hurt each other and I truly regret my part in that. But the hurt has changed him so much that he now channels that into very passive-aggressive, and sometimes downright malicious, behaviour towards me. I was hoping we could just move on quietly from this whole situation, but it's becoming very very difficult to do. I thought I could handle working in the same place as him post-relationship, but I'm not sure at all anymore. I'm prone to depression and anxiety as it is, and it's actually gotten to the point that I begin having major panic attacks when I'm about to go to that workplace.

The job itself, however, is very convenient because it's flexible and I can choose my own hours and I've been working there quite a while now, so my pay has increased as well. From a purely financial perspective, it's a better move to keep the job especially given that my new day job is by contract and I don't know yet whether it will be renewed so it still gives me a safety net. But my mental/emotional well-being is suffering because of it, and I have no idea what to do.

Please offer me some objective advice on what the better option would be for me? Thanks so much...

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

With both these jobs, I've been able to put money into my savings account and I feel a little more financially secure.

This suggests that with only your new contract position, you would be running on net negative cash flow. Since you have effectively no savings account, you can't sustain net negative cash flow for long, if at all. So, that means that if you quit your first job, something has to give - there has to be something you pay less money for. What is that? I think that's the objective advice you're looking for.

Are you going to have to cut your Starbucks habit when you quit your first job? That doesn't seem to be too bad of an idea.

Are you going to get evicted due to not being able to pay rent from quitting your first job? That seems like a poor choice.
posted by saeculorum at 11:10 PM on February 23, 2016

It doesn't sound like the work and workplace themselves are stressing you out-- you seem to genuinely like your job-- only the ex, so I would work on strategies to reduce the stress of that specific situation (assuming he's not your boss or someone you must work with closely every day, which would add another challenge). Don't quit and allow his crappy behavior to drive you out of a good job. Does your work offer EAP or the equivalent? Would you be free to make small changes in your schedule to be around him less? And, honestly, considering that his behavior is malicious and you're having panic attacks, that sounds like harassment (if you wanted to go that route).
posted by thetortoise at 12:47 AM on February 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yep, I would straight up tell him that you'll be reporting him to HR for creating a toxic workplace. Or don't warn him and just do it anyway. I'm sure you can work there just fine once he's fired.
posted by Jubey at 12:50 AM on February 24, 2016 [8 favorites]

I would set a specific date and a financial goal. "I will stay at this job until 00/00/0000 and I will save $X by then." By then, several things may have changed and you will feel more secure with your decision to stay or go.
posted by raisingsand at 6:42 AM on February 24, 2016

I would recommend going the HR route (or your supervisor if you don't have HR) AND start looking for a new job. Just don't quit until you have something else lined up. If, by some miracle, your ex starts to behave humanely again then you can decide if it's still worth sticking around.

We spend too much of our lives at work to literally be having panic attacks when you are going in. A job, no matter how much you like it, is not worth your mental health. Don't Think that somehow if you choose your happiness and mental health over your current job that you are letting him push you out with his bad behavior. You think about what is healthy for you.
posted by teamnap at 7:10 AM on February 24, 2016

If you think you could survive on the contract job for awhile, I would quit the part-time first job. Maybe talk about it with HR or your boss in case they could come up with a way to deal with the ex, but don't bank on that. If you could get by without it, or with similar part time work that doesn't give you panic attacks, choose the option that is best for your mental health.
posted by ldthomps at 8:00 AM on February 24, 2016

Failed to finish your question before I arrived at "Get rid of the thing that makes you miserable." If this is something you can do without significantly endangering your wellbeing (eg. losing your home), I think you should.

Because you nearly always should.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 9:38 AM on February 24, 2016

Before you go the quitting or HR route at the old job I think you need to have a conversation with your direct supervisor (who doesn't seem to be your ex based on the descriptions you provide) about what you're experiencing.

In this conversation you need to be dispassionate and simply describe the unprofessional behavior of your ex. Explain that you love the work you're doing, the mission of the company, and your other colleagues, but that your ex is having a negative impact on morale and productivity. You don't need to try to explain the motivation behind your ex's unprofessional behavior, that's not your responsibility in this conversation. So you say things like "Hank has left me off of critical communications so I'm not in the loop about important deadlines. Hank belittles me in team meetings. Hank has not provided timely or constructive feedback."

Then you need to step up with some proposed solutions that don't require tons of work on the part of your supervisor.
- All feedback is given in a group setting at regular meeting.
- You have regular check-ins with your supervisor (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, whatever makes sense) to ensure that your work deliverables are being met and that you're meeting expectations.
- Group norms are set for everyone in team meetings that address appropriate communication.
- Inappropriate language is corrected immediately.
- You work in a new space away from Hank or at hours when he won't be in the office.

You get to be the mature and solutions oriented person. If things don't change after a period of time, then you could escalate to HR or quit if you're in a more stable place.
posted by brookeb at 3:26 PM on February 24, 2016 [1 favorite]