Should I try to hash this out with my boss, even though I'm leaving?

January 30, 2012 10:01 AM

I have plans to resign from a toxic work situation very soon; is it worth addressing the shitty cattiness or should I just grin and bear it till I leave? Am I just overreacting?

Back story: I work in a small salon, and have done for just over 2 years. It's never been super easy, not least because the owner has quite poor managerial and administrative skills and often lacks professionalism. I appreciate that the workplace is an intimate one (there are only 5 stylists, we have a very loyal and local clientèle, etc.) so boundaries are sometimes crossed in ways they wouldn't be in a traditional office. It has got to the point, though, where I'm burned out and struggle to find any joy in hairdressing, despite enjoying the company of the majority of my clients, because of how much the dynamic saps my emotional energy.

I am the least senior, and have had to deal with occasional passive aggressive cattiness related to my levels of experience (eg. 'You've still got so much to learn; when I was your age, I was a manager, but it will all come with experience'), but up until recently, I thought I was managing to handle it with grace. Additionally, while I have made some mistakes there (an unhappy haircut client, and a colour that was a bit too dark, both because of poor consultations on my part), I have received fairly regular praise for my performance from the owner. There has been no formal structure for performance review, though, and I sometimes wonder if those instances of 'praise' have been her attempt to appease me after I expressed frustration over different things.

At any rate, a few weeks ago, I did a haircut on a client that has apparently incited a bit of a firestorm (unbeknownst to me until yesterday). To be clear, the client has not contacted the salon to complain or come back in for a re-cut; the back chatter is purely down to the fact that one of the other stylists and our receptionist were watching and didn't think I did a very good job technically. This led to various hints being dropped all week by the receptionist that maybe I needed some further training, culminating in the owner confronting me in the middle of an informal staff meeting, saying that I did need further training (again, I was completely unaware what this was in reference to, and she didn't say -- I only was able to make the connection between this and the previous haircut because a fellow stylist explained afterward that everyone else had been discussing the haircut all week).

Naturally, I've spent the last couple of days feeling like absolute shit, alternating between listening to inner demons saying that all of my work is worthless, and fantasising about going in and confronting everybody to shame them into realising what assholes they are (which I know logically wouldn't happen). I had already been planning on handing in my notice soon, but this has definitely tipped things over the edge. The situation is complicated slightly by the fact that a stylist who I consider a close friend and ally is leaving the salon at the end of the week, and already the other staff members are talking about how hard it's going to be for me now that she's going. To make things even better, today, the owner apparently told/ordered my friend to recommend that her clients see the owner or the manager once she leaves, not me, because of 'my cutting issues.'

So I guess the question is, would it really be worth trying to sit down with the owner and talk this through? I guess there's two threads that the conversation would take: 1) Ok, there was unhappiness with one (all?) of my cuts -- where does it need improving and let's come up with a plan for that, and 2) why the hell would you think it was appropriate to pull me up in front of everyone else and feed into an already catty dynamic? Obviously that second bit needs more finesse. Thoughts? I want to be able to leave in a month or so with my head high, not feeling like I was driven out or couldn't hack it. Or should I just accept that these people are awful and move on with my life soon? It pains me to think that the owner will continue to treat people like this in the future, but it's probably naive to think that she could change her ways. Once a bad boss, always a bad boss? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

posted by catch as catch can to Work & Money (21 answers total)

When you go to a new salon, take the "problem" client with you. Let them know you did. Game set match.
posted by bingo at 10:04 AM on January 30, 2012 [7 favorites]

Just accept it and move on. In a serious low, I said everything on my mind when I left a soul-sucking job. Had I thought more about this, I wouldn't have burned that bridge, even though I still believe every word I said. The real issue is that has a very low likelihood of doing anything other than making for really awkward situations if you run into these people moving forward.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:05 AM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think we always like to fantasize about finally telling that so-and-so boss (or co-worker) what we think of them as we head out the door. I think in practice it just won't be that satisfying. I think it would be worth having this conversation if you were planning to stay (or at least hoping to stay). As it is, it would just feel like a parting shot.
posted by yoink at 10:15 AM on January 30, 2012

Remain professional, take the criticism -- even if delivered in the worst way possible -- as a gift to know where you might want to focus/think about, and leave with a gracious smile. The kind of tough conversation this would turn into is an investment in the future. Knowing you're leaving soon, the risks wouldn't seem to outweigh the benefit and you might not be in an emotional place to be heard.

If you were the star employee and had a close relationship with the boss and pulled her aside and had a direct conversation, she might learn. But given the situation and the environment, even if you're providing valuable feedback, it will not be heard. It will come off as emotional and defensive.

Take it as a confirmation that your choice to leave is the right choice and as an opportunity to set different professional boundaries in your next gig.
posted by Gucky at 10:19 AM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

i just want to throw out there the idea that: 1) they might be right about your cutting issues and 2) that might not be such a big deal. if you could take any/all of their cattiness in a very sober, sincere way - as feedback and nothing more - it's possible you could benefit greatly from something that seems pointlessly painful from where you're standing. i'm not saying it would be easy - but you might want to consider what this all would look like if you reinterpreted everything that's going on there as constructive criticism.
posted by facetious at 10:21 AM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

You've already established that she's not really a good business manager, and she certainly seems to lack professionalism. Do you think that she's having money issues, and it's easier to force you out the door this way, rather than be up front about not being able to keep you on?

I'm pretty sure that if the customer had any issues with the haircut in question, you would have heard about it in spades, long before now. If for no other reason than to maintain the reputation of the salon, they should have been much more instructional and far less catty about it, unless you work with Joan Collins herself.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 10:24 AM on January 30, 2012

As Tabatha says on "Salon Takeover" all the time, hairstyling is a learning business. You're never going to be 100% on top of your game, because the game changes all the time. Ask the salon owners and the more seasoned stylists for help with learning cutting techniques, and when they critique your work, ask them for advice on how to better do your job.

After a couple of check-ins (asking senior stylists to check your work) and showing appreciation for the advice they give you, I'd bet they'll start singing a different tune about you. After all, if they mentored you, then your work will become a reflection of them.
posted by xingcat at 10:48 AM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

What do you want to get out of a conversation with your boss? If you just feel like you need to vent before you quit, then it's not a good idea. But if you're looking at this as a last-ditch effort to work things out before quitting your job, then it could be productive.

If you do decide to do this, you need to be very calm, non-emotional and non-accusatory. Make a list of everything that bugs you about your job (or just use what you wrote here) and then go through that list and figure out what you want to change. Think about concrete changes - for instance "I would like my boss to tell me privately when there are specific problems with my performance, and how I can correct those problems." Maybe have a friend help you do this - pick a friend who tends to be calm and rational. Really think through which of these problems are things your boss could fix. Stick to those things.

When you meet with your boss, tell her that you're appreciative of this opportunity (if you are) and that you want to keep working there (if you do) but that you are having some problems that you would like to discuss. Use "I" statements (ie, "I was surprised when you brought up my skills in that meeting, since I hadn't known that was an issue") and talk about specific examples rather than sweeping generalizations.

One other thing that might be helpful is to sort of enlist her as a "problem-solver." For instance, ask her outright if she thinks you need to improve your skills - if so, what does she suggest you do? Can the two of you come up with a plan of things for you to work on and how you'll work on them?

I would avoid saying anything about your fellow employees and their cattiness, unless you're asking her for help in getting along with people. Anything else will just make you look like you're complaining or gossiping.
posted by lunasol at 10:51 AM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Or what xingcat says. :)
posted by lunasol at 10:52 AM on January 30, 2012

I loathe toxic work situations. Leave the instant your friend does. leave no notice. fuck 'em.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:53 AM on January 30, 2012

Don't say anything negative - while the owner and some people at the salon may have it in for you a bit, probably not everyone does. And the less pyrotechnics on your end, the better - there's less to gossip about and you preserve any bridges that may exist. I had a friend who decided to give a frank exit interview about some problems with a truly incompetent and widely-loathed manager, and that pretty much burned his bridges with anyone over entry-level at that job because he was instantly seen as a trouble-maker. It's tragic, actually, that there's no choice in the working world except absolute compliance/submission/lying and being seen as an authority problem.
posted by Frowner at 11:01 AM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

I think it's strange that you've been working with these people for two years and they're only noticing this problem now. That is, it seems like isolated mistakes have come up here and there, but there has only been this one event that they've decided reflects a larger issue. You all work close together, right? How could they have missed it all this time if you weren't adequately trained?
posted by BibiRose at 11:38 AM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Try to have a positive conversation with the owner. If that doesn't go well (if, for instance, it become clear that she doesn't have any coherent complaints or advice or interest in actually managing an employee), deal with that as gracefully as you can.

There's really nothing to gain by further or more deeply engaging with someone who is not sincere. What happens is usually that you are sucked into their game. Best case scenario is that you piss them off - and there's really nothing good about having someone angry with you.

Good luck.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:09 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like somebody's position is about to be axed for financial reasons.

I agree with BibiRose. Unless there's something we don't understand about this, it's strange that they have only now discovered a problem with your cutting technique after two years. And it is their job to keep you trained. If you're undertrained, there's no reason for this to be a subject of gossip.

All this stuff about maybe you're not that good a cutter and maybe you should take it as constructive criticism and all that and y'know - well, if someone says you're not a good cutter, of course make sure you're the best cutter you can be, but that's not really the point is it? All this was done to make you feel like you're bad at your job, and to establish a group narrative of you being bad at your job. Your cutting technique is a MacGuffin.

And to answer your actual question: if I thought they didn't know how badly they were coming across, and would be willing and able to hear it, then I'd take the exit interview as an opportunity to let them know what they look like. That isn't the case here. They are old enough to fully understand that this is not the way to behave in a professional setting, but they're doing it because they can. No point dignifying them with a response. Also, people like this are often amazingly dumb when it comes to flattery. Talk about the nice aspects of working with them and their memories may glaze over into warm fuzzy loveliness after you leave.
posted by tel3path at 12:12 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I left a toxic work situation 5 years ago and was required to attend an exit interview which was a perfect opportunity for me to vent my spleen. I have never regretted not doing that. I don't miss the job, or the people, and the poison has well and truly left my system. My questions to myself in circumstances like this include:
Why do I want to tell them? What will it achieve, if anything at all? Mostly the answers come back to me something like, I wanna tell cos it's NOT FAIR, and nope, not a damn thing, not even improving the lot of a future someone in my role.
posted by b33j at 12:14 PM on January 30, 2012

So, in two years you've had two unhappy clients? That doesn't sound like a bad average to me. It sounds like you're just about to escape from that particular circle of work Hell where the jealous has-beens congregate and the sound of their collective moaning is like unto a giant fart rolling across the face of the waters ...

I think when / if you do decide to have a talk with your boss, the best thing to do is to keep it all about the impersonal - stick to what you need to say about the business, the opportunities, the training, whatever you think is perhaps a bit light there. If the boss is calling you out on your technique then as others have said, it's actually more to do with her inability to mentor younger staff and engage with them in a positive way that's at fault. Wouldn't it be great if all the people who muttered behind our backs actually stepped up to the front side and offered constructive and friendly pointers?

I feel your pain on the crummy boss thing, I really do. Yes, I think it's probably a bit late for a trip down the road to Damascus for her, so looking back in a few years' time you won't regret keeping your dignity and being the professional she wasn't ever going to be about a crappy situation.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 12:20 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Two "bad" haircuts in two years? I've been using the same stylist for five years, and I've had more than that from her that I wasn't just thrilled about when I got home. But I'm still seeing her. Is it possible that they've received complaints and haven't told you about them? If not, and you only had two in two years, then this is not a technical issue. Looks to me as if you're in a no-win situation and need to quietly move on.
posted by raisingsand at 12:29 PM on January 30, 2012

Response by poster: facetious, that's what I was trying to get at with the first bit of my projected conversation - I've always believed that further education is an integral part of hairdressing, and I would actually love some more training! But the way it's been brought up feels decidedly unconstructive, and feels like she's just playing into the back chatter. I'm open to feedback, but it's hard to accept when delivered like that.

halfbuckaroo, and the others suggesting that I'm being set up to be fired: I didn't get into all that, but yes, there are financial issues at the moment, which she is very open with all of us about (not in a nice way, more like, when she's pissed off, saying, 'The business is failing because your retail sales are down/you aren't busy enough/you don't upsell enough'). It's possible she's using this as a way to force me out, but I don't actually think that's the case; one of the stylists just went on maternity leave, my friend is about to leave in a week, and I think she's desperate to make sure things don't destabilise further. As silly as she can be, she knows that our clientèle appreciate that they can rely on the faces in the salon not changing, that we know them and they know us. I also think she recognises that despite any technical hiccups on my part, I'm a pretty amazing part of her team; I have a very loyal set of clients that seem to trust me, I give a personal, warm service, and I work my bum off for her.

As far as the possibility that there have been more issues that I'm not aware of -- yeah, it's possible. But based on this, and on the salon's response to previous complaints against other stylists, I think I would've eventually heard about it in some way. Those other situations involved me being pulled aside and spoken to.

Thanks to all of you for your advice. To clarify, I'm not necessarily interested in venting my spleen about every thing I hate about the job; I know how that would end, both for my sanity and my reputation with my remaining clients. I just want her to understand that I don't appreciate being talked about behind my back, and I would respond to feedback better if it were delivered in private, but maybe it's a moot point, knowing I'm leaving.
posted by catch as catch can at 12:34 PM on January 30, 2012

Best answer: A good boss/manager trains as they go, because they don't want unhappy clinets or unhappy employees. A bad manager talks about you behind your back and blindsides you in front of others.

Nothing you say will change what has happened. At best you will vent and they will continue to talk about you behind your back when you leave. At worst your boss will get defensive and the conversation will escalate to something unpleasant. Your boss is not going to change her managerial style, especially based on the opinion of someone whose work she apparently does not respect.

Remain professional. And do your damnedest to take every client you can (make sure people have your cell, that you have theirs, that your professional contact info is google-able, and/or that you can be found on Facebook).
posted by vignettist at 1:01 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

As you move on, can you perhaps get in with a salon that trains in a very different technique from the one you've been practicing the past two years, and learn to do all kinds of new, dangerous things with scissors? Intensive training in a new system might clear the cobwebs from the previous location and give you a whole new lease, as well as providing some tips that might help you further perfect your current methods.

Plus, you can give your existing clients a whole new thrill without their having to change stylists.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 2:04 PM on January 30, 2012

The opportunity for your own personal growth and development is to talk to the other stylists and say "I feel like things have been really tense lately. I'm not sure what's going on, but I want to get your ideas and suggestions on what I can do to improve." You may hear that somebody just dislikes you and has been back-stabbing. You may hear embarrassed silence. Or, you may hear some ways that you have made errors, or allowed someone to put you in a bad position, or ?? something. Have a similar conversation with the manager, and the receptionist.

When you leave, you can say "I did my best" and you will leave with some knowledge thta will help you avoid similar errors.
posted by theora55 at 8:34 AM on January 31, 2012