Resources on being kind to yourself
January 1, 2016 4:47 AM Subscribe
Several awesome responses have come in MeFi lately related to self talk and your upbringing. I have in my own head screamed yes to a few of these.
For example:
If you were in an abusive relationship and confided in your family, would they tell you to give the person another chance or to try being less hard on them?
A: YES!!!!
If you were suffering from mental illness, would your family encourage you to bootstrap yourself on up?
A: YES!
And not really asked but really the issue here: if you are having a problem or someone recommends you work on an issue you are having, the first answer is that you should be working and thinking harder until you have resolved it (preferably on your own).
My natural instinct to this is a huge yes. I have worked CBT, feeling good, multiple therapists on positive self talk (I am naturally a bit anxious). If I'm really stressed or stuck I can talk myself down and get help/watch a movie but I would like for this become more natural or kick in earlier (this work has occurred over ~10 years). I can tell myself, you deserve help and good things, but it is really hard for me to accept help from people or give myself good things even with this self talk.
AskMeFi responses lately have helped me realize I need more work on these things (Thank you hive mind!). These instincts are really helpful to me in some situations (i.e. work/school) some of the time but additional resources non-bootstrapping self talk would be nice.
For example:
If you were in an abusive relationship and confided in your family, would they tell you to give the person another chance or to try being less hard on them?
A: YES!!!!
If you were suffering from mental illness, would your family encourage you to bootstrap yourself on up?
A: YES!
And not really asked but really the issue here: if you are having a problem or someone recommends you work on an issue you are having, the first answer is that you should be working and thinking harder until you have resolved it (preferably on your own).
My natural instinct to this is a huge yes. I have worked CBT, feeling good, multiple therapists on positive self talk (I am naturally a bit anxious). If I'm really stressed or stuck I can talk myself down and get help/watch a movie but I would like for this become more natural or kick in earlier (this work has occurred over ~10 years). I can tell myself, you deserve help and good things, but it is really hard for me to accept help from people or give myself good things even with this self talk.
AskMeFi responses lately have helped me realize I need more work on these things (Thank you hive mind!). These instincts are really helpful to me in some situations (i.e. work/school) some of the time but additional resources non-bootstrapping self talk would be nice.
+++ on self-compassion meditation.
When my meditation teacher said that some people practice self-compassion meditation for years, I finally had permission to be kind to myself in a profound way.
Self-compassion isn't about excusing myself from responsibilities, or treating myself as an incompetent child. It's the mental counterpart to eating well, exercising as I'm capable, performing emotional labor for others. In fact, it's doing emotional labor for yourself.
posted by Jesse the K at 7:19 AM on January 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
When my meditation teacher said that some people practice self-compassion meditation for years, I finally had permission to be kind to myself in a profound way.
Self-compassion isn't about excusing myself from responsibilities, or treating myself as an incompetent child. It's the mental counterpart to eating well, exercising as I'm capable, performing emotional labor for others. In fact, it's doing emotional labor for yourself.
posted by Jesse the K at 7:19 AM on January 1, 2016 [10 favorites]
I have OCD, and somehow through meditation and CBT helped myself rewire some of my intrusive thoughts (like how you can't fall asleep at night because your brain is showing you every embarrassing moment of your life on repeat? That's me all day long and my threshold for "embarrassing" is really low) by telling myself "I love you" as a trigger phrase to break the chain.
It means I sometimes I blurt it out loud in the grocery store parking lot but it also works - I picked that phrase to remind myself that there is literally nothing shameful enough to lose my own love and care for myself.
I really am just using OCD against itself, but hey. I'll take it. Now I have a tic where I tell myself I'm loved every time I feel ashamed that I forgot to say thank you to the nice lady who held the door for me at the store ten years ago or whatever, instead of the previous tic, which was to think "I fucking suck".
posted by annathea at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2016 [18 favorites]
It means I sometimes I blurt it out loud in the grocery store parking lot but it also works - I picked that phrase to remind myself that there is literally nothing shameful enough to lose my own love and care for myself.
I really am just using OCD against itself, but hey. I'll take it. Now I have a tic where I tell myself I'm loved every time I feel ashamed that I forgot to say thank you to the nice lady who held the door for me at the store ten years ago or whatever, instead of the previous tic, which was to think "I fucking suck".
posted by annathea at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2016 [18 favorites]
Steven Stosny's writings have been really helpful to me. His book Living and Loving after Betrayal is probably a good choice for you. Most people think of infidelity when they think of betrayal, but there are many ways to be betrayed--to think that someone has your back, only to find that they were consciously working against your better interests--and I think he lack of family support you describe qualifies.
posted by Sublimity at 11:54 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Sublimity at 11:54 AM on January 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I found CBT didn't really do the trick because wow I can argue with myself to no end, and for lengthy periods, so it took a long long time to work with it to break down those helping barriers. My therapist and I settled on ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and it's more noticing that yes, I feel sad/angry/low/hate myself/whatever, this is a transitory thing, and I have other stuff I can do. So when I get jammed in a brain weasel trap like 'you are a terrible person and nobody likes you' I can do any number of things: read, write, work, have a cuppa, do some meditation, head nudge my partner/friends and say 'I feel bad, pats pls?' and so on.
What this ends up being in a practical sense is either the brain weasel not getting their teeth in, or my loved ones noticing it and giving me a hand. It makes it easier each time too.
Honestly though, the biggest thing that ever happened was a friend of mine, when we were talking about birthdays and gifts and childhood and school and things asked me "who made you think you aren't worth helping?" (since I was young I've always been doing it myself and I had it as a point of pride to a certain extent, but it was also a result of family stuff too). That made me try and break down all that reluctance into something actually useful.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:01 AM on January 3, 2016
What this ends up being in a practical sense is either the brain weasel not getting their teeth in, or my loved ones noticing it and giving me a hand. It makes it easier each time too.
Honestly though, the biggest thing that ever happened was a friend of mine, when we were talking about birthdays and gifts and childhood and school and things asked me "who made you think you aren't worth helping?" (since I was young I've always been doing it myself and I had it as a point of pride to a certain extent, but it was also a result of family stuff too). That made me try and break down all that reluctance into something actually useful.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:01 AM on January 3, 2016
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posted by penguin pie at 5:32 AM on January 1, 2016 [8 favorites]