Is this depression or am I just being dramatic?

October 1, 2015 10:46 AM

Can I technically be depressed if I'm still finding joy and comfort in my relationship?

Emotionally, I'm feeling flat, and only occasionally some flashes of despair. It's been difficult getting out of bed every day. I can't concentrate at work and I often find myself surfing the internet on my phone for hours.

My new job has been a big trigger for stress and anxiety, and I'm not coping well. I'm not equipped with the soft skills, experience or temperament to deal with the type of interpersonal interactions that is expected of me in this workplace. I wonder why I was ever hired in the first place and I think my boss and co-workers have already found out I'm a fraud and are keeping me on only because the team is terribly shorthanded.

I've fallen into similar funks in the past, when I'd just take the day off school/work. It was my form of self care / escapism, and it worked because I wasn't required to be as accountable for my presence at school/work. I quit that job when I realized I was struggling with the anxiety and stress in my head every day (and skipping work every other day) and I knew I had to leave that situation.

I'm now feeling the same dread and unease, now coupled with the guilt and shame of being an unproductive deadweight at work. It crept up on me yesterday without warning and I'm hiding in bed now with no energy or motivation to move.

What I read about depression online is that it pervades one's entire being and existence. But I continue to find strength and comfort from my spouse, and I feel my mood lift in their company. I can pretend the bad feelings don't exist, and have a genuinely satisfying time with them. The darkness is still there, but my spouse brings such brightness and love in my life that the bad bits are pushed into the background. I still have my act together when my spouse is around (showering, doing chores, socialising with family and friends) but all motivation to do so falls apart otherwise.

Can depression be compartmentalised like that? Does it mean I'm not really suffering from depression and I'm just being a phony again? Do I need to seek help or am I just being unprofessional and weak, like the stereotypical millennial employee? There's little support for mental health resources where I am, and all I know about depression and mental health is from metafilter and the rest of the internet.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

Yes, you can be depressed in this way, although I think I see two errors in your reasoning:

1. That "I am so miserable and demotivated that I can't function in a critical area of life" isn't enough in itself to indicate that something is gravely wrong, whether that is technically depression or not. Depression isn't like measles, where you clearly either have it or you don't. You're manifesting depression-like symptoms in a major area of life. You'll benefit from whatever depression resources you can muster.

2. That you can't learn and improve at work. I'll take you at your word that you were hired when you couldn't really do a great job. I've been on the hiring end through work, and I know that sometimes you need to hire someone and you hire the best candidate even if they're not ideal. They didn't hire you because you're a giant fraud; they hired you because they needed someone and you're the best of the pool. If they're not stupid, they know that there's a learning curve at work. When I was hired in my first role here, it took me a year to feel confident in my job, a year. And that was an entry level gig. You don't have the soft skills now, because you're new at your new job. In a year, you're going to have most of them.

I had a work history like yours prior to getting hired here - the depression, the anxiety, days lying in bed as self care, quitting a job because it made me so depressed and anxious that I couldn't manage the attendance. I was depressed. I also had good days with friends and my partner, etc.
posted by Frowner at 10:58 AM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

Hi, thanks for bringing this up! I can relate to how you're feeling, as I dealt with similar feelings when I started a graduate program. I was nervous all the time about my performance but I didn't feel depressed.

So here's what it sounds like to me: you are experiencing severe anxiety but maybe not clinical depression, at least not at this point. While anxiety and depression are often related--they are often experienced together--they are different afflictions and you can feel one without the other.

For me, my untreated anxiety eventually led to depression. Then I went to therapy and focused on alleviating my anxiety (with the help of medication) and once I handled my anxiety issues, my depression went away as well.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that right now you should probably be thinking about anxiety and not depression. There are plenty of resources online about anxiety disorders, but your best bet, if it's open to you, would be to see a therapist, and talk specifically about your anxiety issues. In other words, please don't wait until you're seriously depressed. It will be much easier to nip this in the bud if you get help as soon as you can.
posted by mcmile at 11:00 AM on October 1, 2015

Yes.
posted by steinwald at 11:05 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

You may or may not have depression, but you absolutely can have depression and not be miserable every second of every day -- you can have depression and also have moments you are happy and enjoying yourself. (Not that everyone with depression has times of respite, but some people do.)
posted by jeather at 11:05 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Can depression be compartmentalised like that? Does it mean I'm not really suffering from depression and I'm just being a phony again?

That's not how depression works. It doesn't mean you're sad about everything 100% of the time. You may not be depressed, but it sounds like you might be. You should seek help, and seeking help and taking care of your mental health isn't being "phony" or weak. Would you consider seeing a dentist about a toothache to be phony or weak?

You say there's little in the way of mental health services where you are. If there is no one available that you can see, check out In Your Corner, which is a site where therapy sessions are online (and I believe they take insurance).
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 11:11 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't think any of us can tell you for sure if you are depressed.

I know that I can be depressed even if a bright corner of my life is not a shitshow. Even if most days I get out of bed and put my clothes on and go through the motions of doing my job. What makes it depression is the sense that there is no hope, that every day is going to be the same, that somewhere else people have energy and creativity and life and that I do not.

I'm not sure where you are, but it would be worth your while to see a doctor, even if you don't have access to a psychiatrist. Most general practitioners are pretty familiar with depression because they see a lot of it. It would also be a good idea to talk to a therapist. The worst that can happen is that the doctor and/or therapist says you're not depressed. Even in that scenario, therapy may help you to adjust to your job, or help you decide to look for a new one.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:42 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

...you absolutely can have depression and not be miserable every second of every day

Adding on to this: you can not be miserable every second of every day and still benefit from getting treatment for it. That you're miserable some moments of the day is what matters. There's no threshold to meet for one's misery to matter. It makes no sense to say that "I suffer and I am struggling with it" doesn't amount to "I have a need to suffer less."

You hurt. That's what matters. Whether your hurt goes by the name of depression may matter for you, in that a name can provide a sense of coherence or clarity about your situation. But if the question is, "Should I reach out for help?" the answer is, "Yes because I hurt," and not "Yes because my hurt has a certain name."
posted by meese at 11:43 AM on October 1, 2015 [6 favorites]

My depression is a lot like a water slide. I can look up from the bottom and see that I have been going downhill for awhile, but while I'm sliding there are fast parts and slow, right and left turns, some scary bits and some exhilarating bits, and some things which to me are fine but others hate and vice versa. My partner is also brightness and love (he's a keeper) and can make the slide seem a lot slower and more pleasant. But he can't stop gravity. Once I got help for my depression and started watching the patterns I realized just how powerful that slide is for me and that I need more than just a great partner to have a good life - I can't rely on him to carry me back up the slide all the time - it's not fair to either one of us. So I got help, and it turns out that medications are quite useful for me too. To complete the analogy, I am still on a water slide but instead of needing to be bailed out near the bottom I feel more like my partner is there with me for the tricky middle turns and we can both figure out how to find the stairs to get out. And I know what the hard parts of the slide look like so I can work ahead of time to avoid it if possible.

Good luck in your journey.
posted by dness2 at 11:53 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

You are describing what i would call anxiety, which is often entwined with depression. Anti-depressants may help, or anti-anxiety meds. Good CBT also helps.
posted by theora55 at 12:47 PM on October 1, 2015

Well, you definitely sound unhappy, and you clearly hate your job. Don't underestimate the impact your work situation can have on your overall mindset and emotional state. Those of us who work full time spend a huge proportion of our waking hours either working, attempting to work, or thinking about work, so it's a pretty nontrivial contribution to one's sense of how life is going.

If I were you, honestly, I'd be prioritizing (a) figuring out what I actually want to do work-wise (in the sense of "what could I see myself doing every day without it being a soul-sucking nightmare?", and (b) getting your resume/contacts/etc. in line to find something new ASAP. The worst thing you can do right now is decide that you are somehow obligated to stay in your present job, that you don't deserve to have a job you enjoy and do well at, or that "the evil you know" is preferable to the unknown. Your health and sanity are not worth it, and regardless of whether it's clinical depression, situational depression, or just plain "my job sucks and it makes me sad" syndrome, there doesn't seem to be anything good that can come of continuting in your current role.

The fact that you still enjoy time spent with your spouse is wonderful. If nothing else, as it sounds like you love them tremendously, figure out how to find help (new job, counseling, etc.) for their sake, as if your moods and outlook continue to deteriorate they are going to notice and be affected by it. Most likely they already know you are stressed and unhappy, and they are probably racking their brains trying to figure out how they can provide brightness in your life without smothering or annoying you. You might want to let them know what you're saying here, too, if you haven't already -- it's heartbreaking to see a partner suffer as you seem to be suffering, and a little bit of reassurance and explanation can go a long way. Don't try and be the "tough guy/gal". You deserve to not feel like crap.
posted by aecorwin at 12:51 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Definitely reach out - at least see your general practitioner and get some tests done to rule out underlying conditions (thyroid function and TSH, vitamin D, iron levels, etc). I did, then sought treatment for depression, then had my gynocologist find severe hypothyroid (causing 'breakthrough' depression, among a laundry list of other items like extreme fatigue and brain fog). Just go in and describe your symptoms.

Whether you have depression or not, you don't have to suffer.
posted by bookdragoness at 2:20 PM on October 1, 2015

I am a therapist. If someone came into my office with that description of why they were there, I would absolutely believe they were in need of and deserving of help, and no part of me would in the least think they were being a phony or weak.

And one of the questions I often ask clients dealing with depressed mood or anxiety is what things they've tried that have helped (because I like to try to build on things that are already working in clients' lives). Almost every client I've had with depression or anxiety can still list some things that make them feel better, or times when their anxiety is lessened. One of the general diagnostic criteria for depression says that a client needs to have depressed mood "most of the day, nearly every day." It does not say "constantly."
posted by jaguar at 2:54 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

Absolutely. In fact, just for some anecdata, when I'm dealing with anxiety and depression, I actually become much more codependent and anxiously attached in my personal relationships, i.e. "[person] is the only thing that makes life worth living"-type disordered thinking.

As others have said, it's never a question of whether you "need" to or "should" seek help, it's all about you doing what is best for you and helps you to live the life you want. And I think seeking help would be an excellent way to get to a point where you can manage your feelings of anxiety/depression and your impostor syndrome (feeling like a fraud).
posted by capricorn at 4:21 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

This accurately describes my bouts with comorbid anxiety and depression. Critically, time spent with my SO was my biggest, most effective source of escapism, and interacting with my spouse provided enough stimulation to almost drown out the anxiety about how I was most assuredly ruining my entire life through inaction.

One problem I ran into, that you may struggle with too, is that I actually was doing a pretty good job convincing myself I was okay with other people in general, and my spouse in particular. This made dealing with issues in therapy (because a therapist was just another person I could act like I was Doing Pretty Okay around, while trying to convince myself that maybe that was true) something of a slower start.

Looking back: holy crap was I depressed, and anxious about my depression, and depressed about my anxiety, etc. If I had to do it again I'd go back and shake myself into believing that you don't have to know how depressed you are to go to therapy for depression. It's hard to make a critical assessment of brain function from inside a malfunctioning brain, ya know?
posted by deludingmyself at 5:27 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

You may want to try searching for descriptions of atypical depression, where you still enjoy some aspects of your life but can't really hold it together otherwise. I spent a long time using these happy moments as evidence I wasn't depressed and that everything was JUST FINE THANK YOU. I did a short course of both an anti-depressant and therapy and it changed my life. You PCP should be able to evaluate you for depression and refer you as needed.
posted by momus_window at 3:51 PM on October 2, 2015