Is my partner a narcissist? Or are we not compatible?
May 28, 2015 12:16 PM Subscribe
I'm very confused about my partner. Let's call him Robert. I'm not sure if my partner is illustrating narcissistic traits or if it is something else? Robert rarely asks about my interests, hobbies, opinions. I think he may lack listening skills and empathy skills to some degree. I think he shows care and love through action instead. He may suspect he might have Aspergers as well. I feel like Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs. Robert always seems to monopolize the conversation, making it difficult to elaborate and share my points and thoughts on the matter.
Lately I feel that my partner is upset and disappointed with me, because I'm at a crossroads with my indecisiveness towards career aspects. I feel that he is constantly trying to push me to finish my undergraduate degree and find a trade afterwards to start working. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but he feels the need to dictate and order what I should do (not do a master's program, but do a trade instead). I'm not as clean and efficient as he is, so he becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours. I think I'm more laid-back, and I will get to them, but just not right away. He scolds me and becomes angry when the house is not clean. Maybe I'm not learning from my mistakes. Perhaps our personalities do not mesh well, in terms of cleaning and productiveness. He seems far ahead with life, since he is five years older, with more degrees, a car, and a stable well paying job. I feel like I'm a disappointment to him sometimes; not living up to his expectations. However, I have been deeply depressed, which is stifling my passions and growth for ambition. He is deeply career oriented, following regulations, strict routines, etc - and I find this rather difficult, since I'm not exactly like this. Maybe this is due to his suspected Aspergers? I'm not so sure. He thinks I need major improvement in my life, because I'm not as driven and goal oriented as him. I'm still finishing my university degree, while he is finished and working at the moment. I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes; not very proactive and positive. He is very introverted and needs his alone time as well. We rarely go out, because he's frugal with budgeting - so we end up playing soccer, going on hikes, and picnics instead. Our sex life isn't very good, either. He rarely tries new things in bed. I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well. He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment. He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring. I'm lost, and not sure what to do -- to me, it seems that we may not be as compatible as I thought. We do not connect well through music or poetry, but our political beliefs seem on par. I'm confused.
Lately I feel that my partner is upset and disappointed with me, because I'm at a crossroads with my indecisiveness towards career aspects. I feel that he is constantly trying to push me to finish my undergraduate degree and find a trade afterwards to start working. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but he feels the need to dictate and order what I should do (not do a master's program, but do a trade instead). I'm not as clean and efficient as he is, so he becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours. I think I'm more laid-back, and I will get to them, but just not right away. He scolds me and becomes angry when the house is not clean. Maybe I'm not learning from my mistakes. Perhaps our personalities do not mesh well, in terms of cleaning and productiveness. He seems far ahead with life, since he is five years older, with more degrees, a car, and a stable well paying job. I feel like I'm a disappointment to him sometimes; not living up to his expectations. However, I have been deeply depressed, which is stifling my passions and growth for ambition. He is deeply career oriented, following regulations, strict routines, etc - and I find this rather difficult, since I'm not exactly like this. Maybe this is due to his suspected Aspergers? I'm not so sure. He thinks I need major improvement in my life, because I'm not as driven and goal oriented as him. I'm still finishing my university degree, while he is finished and working at the moment. I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes; not very proactive and positive. He is very introverted and needs his alone time as well. We rarely go out, because he's frugal with budgeting - so we end up playing soccer, going on hikes, and picnics instead. Our sex life isn't very good, either. He rarely tries new things in bed. I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well. He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment. He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring. I'm lost, and not sure what to do -- to me, it seems that we may not be as compatible as I thought. We do not connect well through music or poetry, but our political beliefs seem on par. I'm confused.
Your relationship sucks. Why does it matter whether Robert could be categorized as a Narcissist or not? You can make the entirely reasonable choice to dump him regardless of what diagnoses a shrink would pin to him.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 12:19 PM on May 28, 2015 [49 favorites]
posted by mysterious_stranger at 12:19 PM on May 28, 2015 [49 favorites]
He seems far ahead with life, since he is five years older - I was just about to ask, is this guy older than you? He's asking like he can tell you how to run your life like he knows better than you. He does not; he's supposed to your partner, not your Know-It-All Dad-Type. The whole relationship sounds bad and I would say it's probably time to DTMFA.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:20 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:20 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Frankly, he sounds like a jerk. Find someone who treats you with kindness and respect and love.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:21 PM on May 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:21 PM on May 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
I think he shows care and love through action instead.
Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs. Robert always seems to monopolize the conversation, making it difficult to elaborate and share my points and thoughts on the matter.
Imma gonna stop right there and not let you finish.
I do not think that word means what you think it means.
If that's "care" and "love" to him, then you need to quit over thinking and rationalizing his behavior, get the hell out of there and find someone with a different definition.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 12:26 PM on May 28, 2015 [25 favorites]
Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs. Robert always seems to monopolize the conversation, making it difficult to elaborate and share my points and thoughts on the matter.
Imma gonna stop right there and not let you finish.
I do not think that word means what you think it means.
If that's "care" and "love" to him, then you need to quit over thinking and rationalizing his behavior, get the hell out of there and find someone with a different definition.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 12:26 PM on May 28, 2015 [25 favorites]
You don't need a label for his behavior to understand that he's bad for you.
It sounds like you're really miserable. You don't need any special permission to leave. You are free to go. It's likely you will be a lot less miserable once you're away from this person whose actions are bad for you.
posted by Miko at 12:27 PM on May 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
It sounds like you're really miserable. You don't need any special permission to leave. You are free to go. It's likely you will be a lot less miserable once you're away from this person whose actions are bad for you.
posted by Miko at 12:27 PM on May 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
It's okay to not know what you want. Have you told him to knock it off? If not, try that first.
posted by Elizabeth907 at 12:31 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Elizabeth907 at 12:31 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs.
This is not kind and loving behavior. It also sounds like he's quite controlling and prefers to puppet you into doing things he wants while restricting your actions when it comes to doing things you prefer and that he doesn't want. This behavior, coupled with the fact that he has no friends (RED FLAG!!!), is quite disturbing. Whether he is neurotypical or not is not really the issue. The issue is that he's not kind, not loving, and is a disrespectful jerk to you. This is not what a strong, loving, and healthy relationship looks like. Leave and find something healthy and happy. You deserve much better.
posted by quince at 12:31 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is not kind and loving behavior. It also sounds like he's quite controlling and prefers to puppet you into doing things he wants while restricting your actions when it comes to doing things you prefer and that he doesn't want. This behavior, coupled with the fact that he has no friends (RED FLAG!!!), is quite disturbing. Whether he is neurotypical or not is not really the issue. The issue is that he's not kind, not loving, and is a disrespectful jerk to you. This is not what a strong, loving, and healthy relationship looks like. Leave and find something healthy and happy. You deserve much better.
posted by quince at 12:31 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
You have this whole paragraph of things that sound pretty awful about him. Are there any things you do like? The way you're describing him here - I wouldn't even want this person in my life as a casual acquaintance, much less a partner.
posted by something something at 12:34 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by something something at 12:34 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
There isn't really a question. What you are looking for is permission. And yes, you are permitted to break up with him and still be a good human being.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:35 PM on May 28, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 12:35 PM on May 28, 2015 [28 favorites]
So you are 21ish? And he is 26ish? I don't know, I think that it can be quite tricky - leaving all else aside - to make a relationship work between someone who has some years of adult life under their belt and someone who is still in undergrad. (A bit different if both are students or have some other life similarities.) And I am not always impressed by the sort of fellow who wants to date an undergrad when he's well along in his career.
But you are still quite young, and honestly - someone with no friends who makes good money but won't spend it, who gets upset at you about cleaning (assuming you're not unusually messy), who presses you to "improve" yourself and who is uninteresting in bed....What are the upsides? Sure, he cares about you, but that really isn't enough. I think AFAB people often learn to have really, really low expectations for what we get out of a relationship while giving way too much credit to someone for "caring". "Caring" isn't a downpayment or a contract; you aren't obligated to reward him with a relationship just because he cares for you.
posted by Frowner at 12:36 PM on May 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
But you are still quite young, and honestly - someone with no friends who makes good money but won't spend it, who gets upset at you about cleaning (assuming you're not unusually messy), who presses you to "improve" yourself and who is uninteresting in bed....What are the upsides? Sure, he cares about you, but that really isn't enough. I think AFAB people often learn to have really, really low expectations for what we get out of a relationship while giving way too much credit to someone for "caring". "Caring" isn't a downpayment or a contract; you aren't obligated to reward him with a relationship just because he cares for you.
posted by Frowner at 12:36 PM on May 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
What would be different if you had proof he was a narcissist? Or had Aspergers? Knowing a diagnosis doesn't make the underlying behavior go away (and doesn't make it fixable either), nor does it mean you are obligated to put up with it because he's "sick" or "damaged".
His behavior is crap. If you don't like it - and you shouldn't like it - you should do other things with your life and time.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:37 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
His behavior is crap. If you don't like it - and you shouldn't like it - you should do other things with your life and time.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:37 PM on May 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Everyone else has covered the fact that the way Robert treats you makes you miserable and regardless of what label you put on it, it's reason enough to leave. But let's put that aside for a moment and take a look at some other ways you described your relationship:
I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes
We rarely go out
I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well
He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment. He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring.
We do not connect well through music or poetry
Our sex life isn't very good, either
No, it does not sound like you're compatible at all. This relationship is not making you happy; his belittling of you is making you miserable. It's time to move on.
posted by Gelatin at 12:37 PM on May 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes
We rarely go out
I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well
He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment. He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring.
We do not connect well through music or poetry
Our sex life isn't very good, either
No, it does not sound like you're compatible at all. This relationship is not making you happy; his belittling of you is making you miserable. It's time to move on.
posted by Gelatin at 12:37 PM on May 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
He sounds awful - dump him.
posted by Julnyes at 12:38 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Julnyes at 12:38 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
This man does not respect you the way you are.
You need a partner, not a parent or a svengali.
posted by trunk muffins at 12:38 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
You need a partner, not a parent or a svengali.
posted by trunk muffins at 12:38 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
First, he isn't good for you (no love); second, he's actively bad for you (the way he treats you is causing you depression). This will get infinitely worse if you stay with him, and not even any better. You can leave him. You deserve your own life, not to be an object of contempt and control to him.
posted by lokta at 12:41 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lokta at 12:41 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
(The part about your friends being "not opinionated and boring" is a bit rich, by the way, considering how you tell of his monopolizing the conversation and minimizing your own opinions.)
Yes, munchingzombie's point is spot on. You have permission to break up with this person. Almost any of the things you list would be enough, and your list goes on and on.
posted by Gelatin at 12:41 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, munchingzombie's point is spot on. You have permission to break up with this person. Almost any of the things you list would be enough, and your list goes on and on.
posted by Gelatin at 12:41 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
it would have been truer to my meaning to say "AFAB people and generally people who identify as women"...I could really use a good way to express what I see as a similarity of experience between cis women, trans women and many AFAB people who do not identify as women
posted by Frowner at 12:44 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 12:44 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
You don't need a clinical diagnosis of this guy, he just sounds like a boring judgmental douche. Move on.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:48 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:48 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please do not stay with someone who makes you feel so disrespected, demeaned, and inadequate. While you may be predisposed to depression, staying with such a relentlessly mean-spirited person who exhibits terrible behaviors is sucking the life out of you.
posted by Elsie at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm a little -- no, a lot -- boggled as to how you two even spent enough time together in order to decide to date. You have nothing in common and no connections or chemistry. Did he just, like, command you to date him?
People don't have to be 100% compatible to date. But they do need to be less than 100% INCOMPATIBLE. It sounds like you and "Robert" are literally 100% incompatible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
People don't have to be 100% compatible to date. But they do need to be less than 100% INCOMPATIBLE. It sounds like you and "Robert" are literally 100% incompatible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
Ew, your whole description completely squicked me out. Stop psychoanalyzing him and just dump him.
posted by venividivici at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by venividivici at 12:56 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
So he's career-driven, goal-oriented and frugal. You're depressed and a full-time student. I don't see this working out for either of you. I can see why he seems like a jerk, but I can also see that he might be frustrated with your inattention to the household and lack of income. I think you should move out and move on and concentrate on your own goals.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:57 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 12:57 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't mean to be stupid, but...why are you with this guy, again? You have a whole paragraph of things that sound awful, and it's completely bereft of any reason you actually want to be with him except that your political beliefs align. That's not a reason to stay in a relationship; there are literally thousands of people whose political beliefs align with yours (unless you're a neo-Nazi, maybe, and probably even then).
You say you're confused about the relationship, but I didn't see anything confusing in what you said. Sounds like an awful relationship that's making you miserable, full stop, and I have no idea after reading your question why you're considering even being casual friends with the guy, much less staying in a romantic relationship with him.
posted by holborne at 1:00 PM on May 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
You say you're confused about the relationship, but I didn't see anything confusing in what you said. Sounds like an awful relationship that's making you miserable, full stop, and I have no idea after reading your question why you're considering even being casual friends with the guy, much less staying in a romantic relationship with him.
posted by holborne at 1:00 PM on May 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's not clear to me if you live together. I think he's not being nice to you. But, at the same time, if he's the only one working and you're not contributing financially and not doing chores, he could be stressed out and resentful.
My partner was depressed and unemployed and it put a lot of stress on our relationship. I was trying to cover all our bills on one salary and coming home to a dirty house and a partner that had spent most of the day watching TV. We had a lot of arguments.
It sounds like the two of you are not compatible and that there are additional things causing stress in your relationship.
posted by Lingasol at 1:33 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
My partner was depressed and unemployed and it put a lot of stress on our relationship. I was trying to cover all our bills on one salary and coming home to a dirty house and a partner that had spent most of the day watching TV. We had a lot of arguments.
It sounds like the two of you are not compatible and that there are additional things causing stress in your relationship.
posted by Lingasol at 1:33 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are you dependent on him financially while you are finishing your degree? If so, are you staying with him for that reason and hoping that things will get better later? I understand feeling trapped by finances, but if this is what you're getting from the relationship, then I think he may be sensing that something is missing and perhaps feeling used. I think that you might be able to use household chores to help you overcome some depressive tendencies -- the success of achieving a clean kitchen or a made bed can often help lift spirits and it would very likely help isolate his issues and bring clarity to what's really going on.
posted by janey47 at 1:49 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 1:49 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
My ex and I had a lot of similar incompatibilities (though I wouldn't call him a narcissist) and we're both much happier without each other. Please don't stick around for ~10 years like I did. You don't need labels for his behavior in order to leave, but if it helps, he sounds like an angry jerk.
posted by desjardins at 2:02 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 2:02 PM on May 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Having a label to give to this behaviour doesn't then mean that either of you can say, well it's ok that he's treating me like this, it's just because he's got X. It means that you say, regardless of what he's got, he's X PLUS he's an asshole and I deserve better. A diagnosis is not an excuse. Runrunrun.
posted by Jubey at 5:12 PM on May 28, 2015
posted by Jubey at 5:12 PM on May 28, 2015
Robert rarely asks about my interests, hobbies, opinions. I think he may lack listening skills and empathy skills to some degree.
I feel like Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs.
Robert always seems to monopolize the conversation, making it difficult to elaborate and share my points and thoughts on the matter.
he feels the need to dictate and order what I should do (not do a master's program, but do a trade instead).
he becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours.
He thinks I need major improvement in my life, because I'm not as driven and goal oriented as him.
I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes; not very proactive and positive.
We rarely go out, because he's frugal with budgeting - so we end up playing soccer, going on hikes, and picnics instead.
Our sex life isn't very good, either. He rarely tries new things in bed.
I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well.
He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment.
He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring.
We do not connect well through music or poetry.
Well, jeez, it sure sounds fun. He's not a narcissist. He's an asshole.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:25 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like Robert is always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs.
Robert always seems to monopolize the conversation, making it difficult to elaborate and share my points and thoughts on the matter.
he feels the need to dictate and order what I should do (not do a master's program, but do a trade instead).
he becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours.
He thinks I need major improvement in my life, because I'm not as driven and goal oriented as him.
I find Robert cynical and negative about the world sometimes; not very proactive and positive.
We rarely go out, because he's frugal with budgeting - so we end up playing soccer, going on hikes, and picnics instead.
Our sex life isn't very good, either. He rarely tries new things in bed.
I'm not sure if he's truly happy, and I'm not sure if I'm truly happy with him as well.
He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want to make any friends at the moment.
He doesn't like any of my friends as well, because he finds them not opinionated and boring.
We do not connect well through music or poetry.
Well, jeez, it sure sounds fun. He's not a narcissist. He's an asshole.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:25 PM on May 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
You're trying to analyse his behavior, trying to find some understanding of him. Instead, pay attention to his actions.
Robert
- rarely asks about my interests, hobbies, opinions.
- always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs.
- always seems to monopolize the conversation
- feels the need to dictate and order what I should do
- becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours.
- scolds me and becomes angry when the house is not clean.
- rarely tries new things in bed
- doesn't have any friends
- doesn't want to make any friends
I feel like I'm
- a disappointment to him
- not living up to his expectations.
- lost
We / Our
- rarely go out
- sex life isn't very good, either.
I'm so sorry, but this isn't going to get better; it's going to get worse. You deserve so much better.
posted by theora55 at 8:29 PM on May 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
Robert
- rarely asks about my interests, hobbies, opinions.
- always nitpicking my flaws, my goal motives, my personality, and my beliefs.
- always seems to monopolize the conversation
- feels the need to dictate and order what I should do
- becomes terribly frustrated and upset when the dishes are left in the sink for a few hours.
- scolds me and becomes angry when the house is not clean.
- rarely tries new things in bed
- doesn't have any friends
- doesn't want to make any friends
I feel like I'm
- a disappointment to him
- not living up to his expectations.
- lost
We / Our
- rarely go out
- sex life isn't very good, either.
I'm so sorry, but this isn't going to get better; it's going to get worse. You deserve so much better.
posted by theora55 at 8:29 PM on May 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're at a crucial stage in your life where decisions you make now will have a huge effect on your entire future (grad school or go into a trade). You should make sure this asshole is very far away from being at all involved in these decisions with absolutely no ability to influence them even slightly. Dump him and get away or he will bring you down.
posted by hazyjane at 10:20 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 10:20 PM on May 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
How, exactly, are you confused? The only thing you are compatible in is your politics which is actually not that important for long term compatibility.
I agree with everyone that says you should end the relationship, but I am concerned that you will end up in another bad relationship if you don't engage in some serious introspection.
In your focus on laying out a laundry list of all the things wrong with him you left out some key details.
Are you living with him? If so, are you sharing responsibilities for the apartment, or is he covering most of the expenses? If it is "his" apartment it's not really fair to leave dishes lying around or messes elsewhere. If you get in another relationship where you are living in another person's apartment, be prepared for them to also expect you to clean up after yourself in a timely manner.
I also really wonder about your degree. Are you on schedule, or have you been dragging it out? Is he supporting you financially while you finish it? You mention pursuing a master's degree but also that you're not sure about your future direction. In that case, going after a master's probably is a bad idea. It really only makes sense if you are certain you want to go down the academic track, or if you are eyeing a specific career which requires an advanced degree. That might be why he is arguing you should.
I think your future steps should be to leave him, get your own place if you don't already have one, and start seeing someone for your depression if you're not already doing that. If your depression is interfering with your ability to complete your degree, talk with the school about taking a break rather than just dragging your feet (if that's what you're doing).
I would hold off on any relationships for now. It can be really hard to be in a balanced, healthy relationship when you are depressed. If the depression is affecting your self esteem or self image, you can end up dating someone who is not a good match for you.
One thing you do not mention is the extent to which he was supporting you financially. If you were covering all of your expenses and fairly splitting the costs of social outings then he really is being unreasonable. However if he has largely been responsible for your expenses, it is not surprising that is so "frugal". Perhaps money is tight? Honestly, hiking and picnics is "going out" you just have different expectations from him. If money is a factor, in future relationships you should contribute financially if you have not been doing so up until now, or if you still expect your SO to pay, you should expect that they will not necessarily do what you want to do. Either way it's probably a good idea to make sure the next person you date enjoys similar activities.
When you break up, don't frame it in your mind as him having Aspergers (mostly irrelevant) or being narcissistic (unlikely). The relationship isn't working, partly because he's a jerk but mostly because you are highly, highly incompatible.
Focus on yourself right now, work on feeling better, figuring out what you want to do now. And by the way you don't have to figure out your career right now. But it is a good idea to take care of your current situation, which means either wrapping up your degree or putting it on hold, getting a job to support yourself if you're not doing so already, and getting a place of your own if you've been living with him up until now.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:58 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone that says you should end the relationship, but I am concerned that you will end up in another bad relationship if you don't engage in some serious introspection.
In your focus on laying out a laundry list of all the things wrong with him you left out some key details.
Are you living with him? If so, are you sharing responsibilities for the apartment, or is he covering most of the expenses? If it is "his" apartment it's not really fair to leave dishes lying around or messes elsewhere. If you get in another relationship where you are living in another person's apartment, be prepared for them to also expect you to clean up after yourself in a timely manner.
I also really wonder about your degree. Are you on schedule, or have you been dragging it out? Is he supporting you financially while you finish it? You mention pursuing a master's degree but also that you're not sure about your future direction. In that case, going after a master's probably is a bad idea. It really only makes sense if you are certain you want to go down the academic track, or if you are eyeing a specific career which requires an advanced degree. That might be why he is arguing you should.
I think your future steps should be to leave him, get your own place if you don't already have one, and start seeing someone for your depression if you're not already doing that. If your depression is interfering with your ability to complete your degree, talk with the school about taking a break rather than just dragging your feet (if that's what you're doing).
I would hold off on any relationships for now. It can be really hard to be in a balanced, healthy relationship when you are depressed. If the depression is affecting your self esteem or self image, you can end up dating someone who is not a good match for you.
One thing you do not mention is the extent to which he was supporting you financially. If you were covering all of your expenses and fairly splitting the costs of social outings then he really is being unreasonable. However if he has largely been responsible for your expenses, it is not surprising that is so "frugal". Perhaps money is tight? Honestly, hiking and picnics is "going out" you just have different expectations from him. If money is a factor, in future relationships you should contribute financially if you have not been doing so up until now, or if you still expect your SO to pay, you should expect that they will not necessarily do what you want to do. Either way it's probably a good idea to make sure the next person you date enjoys similar activities.
When you break up, don't frame it in your mind as him having Aspergers (mostly irrelevant) or being narcissistic (unlikely). The relationship isn't working, partly because he's a jerk but mostly because you are highly, highly incompatible.
Focus on yourself right now, work on feeling better, figuring out what you want to do now. And by the way you don't have to figure out your career right now. But it is a good idea to take care of your current situation, which means either wrapping up your degree or putting it on hold, getting a job to support yourself if you're not doing so already, and getting a place of your own if you've been living with him up until now.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:58 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, and have you been very vocal with him about your desire to try new things in bed? If you run into this problem with a future partner you need to be specific about what you want. If he's resisting your suggestions that's another indication of incompatibility. However if you're just bored In bed you need to take the initiative and come up with new things to do.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:03 AM on May 29, 2015
posted by Deathalicious at 5:03 AM on May 29, 2015
You are drawing a Venn diagram of “Shitty” and “Crappy” … it really doesn’t matter how much they overlap.
posted by French Fry at 7:15 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by French Fry at 7:15 AM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is not a relationship to stay in or a person to keep in your life.
posted by ead at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2015
posted by ead at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2015
"but our political beliefs seem on par". That's the only "pro" in your list, which looks like a sea of red flags.
You need to be brave and let yourself be LOVED.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 3:18 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to be brave and let yourself be LOVED.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 3:18 PM on May 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by RearWindow at 12:19 PM on May 28, 2015