Struggling with a needy mother
December 22, 2014 3:38 AM Subscribe
While I love my mum, she seems to see me as a centre of her happiness and the amount of contact she needs feels like a burden. How to navigate this without upsetting her?
My mum is a very giving and kind person. She was always there for me and has made sure that I am loved and have anything I need. Now in my 30s, I feel that she is not able to let me go and be my own person.
For a start, she needs a lot of contact. She sends me numerous texts every day and gets worried if I don't reply in timely manner. She also needs me to send her a text every day that I have gotten home safely from work. She also likes to know if I am going out that night and to text her when I get back. If I don't do this, I find my phone full of missed calls and panicky messages. I have tolerated it for many years but it's getting really hard to have a life of my own. Nearly every single time I leave my phone for a while there is an unanswered text from my mum.
I am independent and a bit of loner and haven't had a truly close friend in forever. In part it's due to the fact that I am overwhelmed by my mother's need for so much contact and feel like it's taking up all my available emotional energy.
I have recently had a discussion with her telling her how I feel (as I have tried in the past) but she got very upset and cried and nothing really changes. After those discussions typically she reduces texts to 1-2 per day for a couple of weeks and then it's back to wanting to know my whereabouts all the time. A complicating factor is that she has health problems, marriage problems with my dad and is an immigrant that has never fully adapted to the current country so has few friends.
It saddens me that I can see myself being 50 and still having to text my mum when I get home from work. I often want to scream in frustration with the amount of contact expected from me.
I visit my parents often but it's never enough. Ideally, I wish I could talk to her on the phone once a week and be free from the restraints of constant daily contact. Proposing that to her almost made her have a nervous breakdown so I stopped there.
What do I do?
My mum is a very giving and kind person. She was always there for me and has made sure that I am loved and have anything I need. Now in my 30s, I feel that she is not able to let me go and be my own person.
For a start, she needs a lot of contact. She sends me numerous texts every day and gets worried if I don't reply in timely manner. She also needs me to send her a text every day that I have gotten home safely from work. She also likes to know if I am going out that night and to text her when I get back. If I don't do this, I find my phone full of missed calls and panicky messages. I have tolerated it for many years but it's getting really hard to have a life of my own. Nearly every single time I leave my phone for a while there is an unanswered text from my mum.
I am independent and a bit of loner and haven't had a truly close friend in forever. In part it's due to the fact that I am overwhelmed by my mother's need for so much contact and feel like it's taking up all my available emotional energy.
I have recently had a discussion with her telling her how I feel (as I have tried in the past) but she got very upset and cried and nothing really changes. After those discussions typically she reduces texts to 1-2 per day for a couple of weeks and then it's back to wanting to know my whereabouts all the time. A complicating factor is that she has health problems, marriage problems with my dad and is an immigrant that has never fully adapted to the current country so has few friends.
It saddens me that I can see myself being 50 and still having to text my mum when I get home from work. I often want to scream in frustration with the amount of contact expected from me.
I visit my parents often but it's never enough. Ideally, I wish I could talk to her on the phone once a week and be free from the restraints of constant daily contact. Proposing that to her almost made her have a nervous breakdown so I stopped there.
What do I do?
Set boundaries and stick to them. Say you'll talk to her every Sunday afternoon. It'll take time, but you need to stick to these boundaries (and also keep up your end of the bargain - you do need to call her every Sunday).
I've been through something similar and it's super-hard if someone keeps stepping over your boundaries and uses emotional blackmail (tears etc), so you need your close friends' support in this. I used to schedule 'me-time' with good friends for every time I knew I had to re-affirm boundaries.
posted by kariebookish at 6:01 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
I've been through something similar and it's super-hard if someone keeps stepping over your boundaries and uses emotional blackmail (tears etc), so you need your close friends' support in this. I used to schedule 'me-time' with good friends for every time I knew I had to re-affirm boundaries.
posted by kariebookish at 6:01 AM on December 22, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think you just have to set your limits and enforce them, even if it's tough. She will obviously be hurt, but on the other hand YOU are hurting from the situation as it is now. One thing you might do is just let her know that you've decided to stop paying for a texting plan on your phone. Unless you have lots of other people you text, this would at least stop with the texts. I think a once-weekly phone call is perfectly reasonable for a 30-year-old. At some point, you have the right to set limits when ANYONE is putting you under this much stress, even if that person is a parent.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:03 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:03 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
...she seems to see me as a centre of her happiness...
That's the crux of the matter, isn't it? If her role in life was to always be connected with you, what's left for her when that is taken away? She needs to find some additional source of happiness. So yes, set boundaries, but that's only half of the equation. After decades of interacting one way, you can't just flip a switch and expect everything to work out on its own. You've already presented it to her in terms of what you need. Now maybe you can talk with her about what she needs, and how she has to get some of it from other places.
posted by Longtime Listener at 6:16 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
That's the crux of the matter, isn't it? If her role in life was to always be connected with you, what's left for her when that is taken away? She needs to find some additional source of happiness. So yes, set boundaries, but that's only half of the equation. After decades of interacting one way, you can't just flip a switch and expect everything to work out on its own. You've already presented it to her in terms of what you need. Now maybe you can talk with her about what she needs, and how she has to get some of it from other places.
posted by Longtime Listener at 6:16 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yes. Your mom is way out of hand. Pick what is comfortable to you and stick to it. You need to retrain her. Think of every action for the next year as positive or negative reinforcement (look it up if you don't know these concepts).
It will be tough and she will freak out but it is unfair of her to burden you with her anxiety, it is not yours to solve. Just tell her "look mom this is how it's gonna be."
If you feel discomfort in establishing your boundaries, a few chats with a therapist could help just in case you have difficulty establishing yourself on your own.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:18 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
It will be tough and she will freak out but it is unfair of her to burden you with her anxiety, it is not yours to solve. Just tell her "look mom this is how it's gonna be."
If you feel discomfort in establishing your boundaries, a few chats with a therapist could help just in case you have difficulty establishing yourself on your own.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:18 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ideally, I wish I could talk to her on the phone once a week and be free from the restraints of constant daily contact. Proposing that to her almost made her have a nervous breakdown so I stopped there.
Note the word "almost" there. I have a mother who, after I went through a rough patch, demanded I call her every single day, and in therapy, my therapist asked me if that was something I wanted. "It would kill her if I stopped," I said, and he answered with, "Would she literally die from that, or would she just feel bad and then adjust?"
Which is exactly what happened. Parents generally want their kids to thrive, and parenting is about raising self-sufficient adults. Your mother didn't have a nervous breakdown, nor would she if you stopped texting every day. And if she did, that's her own issue to solve, not yours.
posted by xingcat at 6:20 AM on December 22, 2014 [28 favorites]
Note the word "almost" there. I have a mother who, after I went through a rough patch, demanded I call her every single day, and in therapy, my therapist asked me if that was something I wanted. "It would kill her if I stopped," I said, and he answered with, "Would she literally die from that, or would she just feel bad and then adjust?"
Which is exactly what happened. Parents generally want their kids to thrive, and parenting is about raising self-sufficient adults. Your mother didn't have a nervous breakdown, nor would she if you stopped texting every day. And if she did, that's her own issue to solve, not yours.
posted by xingcat at 6:20 AM on December 22, 2014 [28 favorites]
You can't make your mother do anything. You can manage how you respond to her. So let her know:
"Mom, I love you and I've told you repeatedly that I find your constant calling and texting intrusive and disruptive. I will call you on Wednesday and Sunday so we can catch up with each other. This way I'll actually have some conversation for you. I know you love me very much and want what's best for me. This is what's best for me."
Then stop responding to her until you're ready to speak to her.
I have a friend who Auntie called her, and every other family member at---4:30 AM, every, single morning. Just to make sure nobody had been murdered in their beds during the night. Not one person stopped her from doing it. She went through life anxious and worried.
Do your mother this favor, offer to help her get some counseling so she can find other interests and other ways of channeling her anxiety.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:30 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
"Mom, I love you and I've told you repeatedly that I find your constant calling and texting intrusive and disruptive. I will call you on Wednesday and Sunday so we can catch up with each other. This way I'll actually have some conversation for you. I know you love me very much and want what's best for me. This is what's best for me."
Then stop responding to her until you're ready to speak to her.
I have a friend who Auntie called her, and every other family member at---4:30 AM, every, single morning. Just to make sure nobody had been murdered in their beds during the night. Not one person stopped her from doing it. She went through life anxious and worried.
Do your mother this favor, offer to help her get some counseling so she can find other interests and other ways of channeling her anxiety.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:30 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
The hard thing about this kind of situation is that you both probably feel like the constant contact is easing her anxiety, when it's really feeding it and making it worse (i.e., "why didn't she text back? She usually texts back immediately!" cue panic spiral.) Calling back when you see a string of panicky messages is rewarding the behavior.
I think you can lay a boundary and still make a conversation. "Mom, my life is pretty full and busy and all these calls and texts are getting in the way of me being the grownup person you did such a good job of raising. It's interfering with my work and my friends. I think I can handle about 10 minutes of texting per day and one phone call per week. When would you prefer those to happen? Maybe a text when I get home from work, and a phone call on Saturday mornings? You can text me more than that, but I'm going to turn the phone off so I won't see them until texting time."
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:55 AM on December 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
I think you can lay a boundary and still make a conversation. "Mom, my life is pretty full and busy and all these calls and texts are getting in the way of me being the grownup person you did such a good job of raising. It's interfering with my work and my friends. I think I can handle about 10 minutes of texting per day and one phone call per week. When would you prefer those to happen? Maybe a text when I get home from work, and a phone call on Saturday mornings? You can text me more than that, but I'm going to turn the phone off so I won't see them until texting time."
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:55 AM on December 22, 2014 [14 favorites]
This is going to sound glib, but be less available. This is what voice mail and the delete button etc was made for. She is not going to start to respect your boundaries as you've never reinforced them, so now so you are going to have to do it for yourself, it will be hard, there may be an extinction flurry of even more messages & craziness when you start as she panics and tries to get things back to how they were. But stick to your guns and do a slow fade to a level of contact I felt comfortable with.
There is, I am sorry to say, no way to do this that your mother is going to be happy with and that is something you are going to have to accept for this to work.
posted by wwax at 8:00 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
There is, I am sorry to say, no way to do this that your mother is going to be happy with and that is something you are going to have to accept for this to work.
posted by wwax at 8:00 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
It saddens me that I can see myself being 50 and still having to text my mum when I get home from work.
You don't have to do that now. You're choosing to do it because you believe the alternative seems worse, because you're putting your mother's needs and feelings above your own.
It's ok to prioritize your own needs and feelings, especially if you do so respectfully. You cannot manage your mother's emotions or anxiety, but you can be loving and kind in stating your boundaries. You're an adult who gets to decide what sort of relationships you want, and she's an adult and gets to choose how she reacts to that.
posted by jaguar at 8:20 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
You don't have to do that now. You're choosing to do it because you believe the alternative seems worse, because you're putting your mother's needs and feelings above your own.
It's ok to prioritize your own needs and feelings, especially if you do so respectfully. You cannot manage your mother's emotions or anxiety, but you can be loving and kind in stating your boundaries. You're an adult who gets to decide what sort of relationships you want, and she's an adult and gets to choose how she reacts to that.
posted by jaguar at 8:20 AM on December 22, 2014 [7 favorites]
I have recently had a discussion with her telling her how I feel (as I have tried in the past) but she got very upset and cried and nothing really changes.
This is not normal. It's okay for you to decide what normal is, for you, and then just do that and let your mom manage her own emotions surrounding this. I am sorry, it's a pain in the neck when you have parents who act like you are their parent. That said, I have had some good results (after trying the "Let's talk about this because if you realized how this makes me feel you would stop doing it, surely" conversation with my own mother) with the boundaries thing.
Here's the thing: the super closeness "always there for you" stuff is awesome at some level but also a symptom of this same thing. So you might have to give up some of the good stuff to get rid of some of the bad stuff. Prepare for this.
For started, stop texting when you get home from work. Tell her you're stopping if you want, but just stop doing it. This is the new normal. She can't MAKE you text her, she can only make it unpleasant for you if you don't do what she wants. This is not how people in mature relationships behave. So you can decide you're not going to behave that way. She will probably blow up your phone for a while and you can decide how you want to manage it. Think of some talking points...
- "I am not going to text you when I get home from work. I am sorry this makes you anxious but you will have to manage your anxious responses and not require something from me to calm yourself down"
- "This is not negotiable. Please do not send me panicky texts/messages. I will ignore them. We will talk on Saturday like we usually do"
- If she starts talking about how this is "making" her feel awful you can redirect or even end the conversation. "Mom, I need you to respect my choices on this and if you can't do this, we're not going to have a discussion about it. This is what I want and if you won't respect that I will get it anyway" (or some variant)
I finally had to tell my mom that she was "requiring" me to contact her more than any other living human including my friends and my own boyfriend and I was done with it. We have a more distant relationship now and it's not perfect (she's gone from being always there for me to sort of grudgingly tolerating my need for less contact and basically blowing me off. Sorry she's decided to act like an adolescent)
My mantra is that I don't negotiate with terrorists. People who are always trampling your boundaries and making you uncomfortable and unhappy are people who are prioritizing their needs (or desires, or anxieties, or whatever) over your own. Anxiety is a treatable condition and people who have it (I have it, that's part of why it took me so long to handle this) need to own it and manage it, not require constant reassurance from other people. I am sorry, this is annoying but it can get better.
posted by jessamyn at 8:36 AM on December 22, 2014 [23 favorites]
This is not normal. It's okay for you to decide what normal is, for you, and then just do that and let your mom manage her own emotions surrounding this. I am sorry, it's a pain in the neck when you have parents who act like you are their parent. That said, I have had some good results (after trying the "Let's talk about this because if you realized how this makes me feel you would stop doing it, surely" conversation with my own mother) with the boundaries thing.
Here's the thing: the super closeness "always there for you" stuff is awesome at some level but also a symptom of this same thing. So you might have to give up some of the good stuff to get rid of some of the bad stuff. Prepare for this.
For started, stop texting when you get home from work. Tell her you're stopping if you want, but just stop doing it. This is the new normal. She can't MAKE you text her, she can only make it unpleasant for you if you don't do what she wants. This is not how people in mature relationships behave. So you can decide you're not going to behave that way. She will probably blow up your phone for a while and you can decide how you want to manage it. Think of some talking points...
- "I am not going to text you when I get home from work. I am sorry this makes you anxious but you will have to manage your anxious responses and not require something from me to calm yourself down"
- "This is not negotiable. Please do not send me panicky texts/messages. I will ignore them. We will talk on Saturday like we usually do"
- If she starts talking about how this is "making" her feel awful you can redirect or even end the conversation. "Mom, I need you to respect my choices on this and if you can't do this, we're not going to have a discussion about it. This is what I want and if you won't respect that I will get it anyway" (or some variant)
I finally had to tell my mom that she was "requiring" me to contact her more than any other living human including my friends and my own boyfriend and I was done with it. We have a more distant relationship now and it's not perfect (she's gone from being always there for me to sort of grudgingly tolerating my need for less contact and basically blowing me off. Sorry she's decided to act like an adolescent)
My mantra is that I don't negotiate with terrorists. People who are always trampling your boundaries and making you uncomfortable and unhappy are people who are prioritizing their needs (or desires, or anxieties, or whatever) over your own. Anxiety is a treatable condition and people who have it (I have it, that's part of why it took me so long to handle this) need to own it and manage it, not require constant reassurance from other people. I am sorry, this is annoying but it can get better.
posted by jessamyn at 8:36 AM on December 22, 2014 [23 favorites]
Mom, I love you and I want to talk to you every couple of days. I'm not going to text you daily or share my schedule. I need privacy and independence. What I *will* do is encourage you to take classes, visit friends and otherwise build your own life. I think we will both be happier.
Every bit of pressure from Mom gets the same response. I need more privacy and independence. Did you go to your class/ coffee with a friend/ walk/ therapy? I love you. You don't have to answer every call, respond to every text. She does this because it works. She'll be in crisis when you stop, but she will figure out how to cope.
I'm a Mom. My Mom was needy, manipulative, and difficult. I have compassion for your Mom. Encouraging her to deal with her needs and develop her life is, in the long run, a much greater gift. I wish both of you the best.
posted by theora55 at 9:28 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Every bit of pressure from Mom gets the same response. I need more privacy and independence. Did you go to your class/ coffee with a friend/ walk/ therapy? I love you. You don't have to answer every call, respond to every text. She does this because it works. She'll be in crisis when you stop, but she will figure out how to cope.
I'm a Mom. My Mom was needy, manipulative, and difficult. I have compassion for your Mom. Encouraging her to deal with her needs and develop her life is, in the long run, a much greater gift. I wish both of you the best.
posted by theora55 at 9:28 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
to implement the very good advice given above, use an application like "Mr. Number" for android phones to create a separate inbox for all her communication with you, that way you can manage how many times it grabs your attention because it will be in the app not on the main notification screen.
check it and respond to its contents ONLY at the times you feel are appropriate. maybe once a day at lunch or before bed or something, whatever's good for you. having the separate inbox will turn your cellphone into just a phone, and not the leash she has you on, which she is yanking every time she texts/calls etc.
if you create this separate inbox don't tell her about it. let it be your private tool.
posted by zdravo at 9:53 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
check it and respond to its contents ONLY at the times you feel are appropriate. maybe once a day at lunch or before bed or something, whatever's good for you. having the separate inbox will turn your cellphone into just a phone, and not the leash she has you on, which she is yanking every time she texts/calls etc.
if you create this separate inbox don't tell her about it. let it be your private tool.
posted by zdravo at 9:53 AM on December 22, 2014 [4 favorites]
Unpopular answer ahead: by the sounds of things, I think your mom's a bit old to learn completely new tricks, honestly, between cultural issues and her own problems. It sounds like she would have an extremely hard time with once a week contact, and I am guessing that you'd probably have almost as tough a time handling the fallout. I think the path of least drama and least grief (for you) would be to try to manage her. (Because you do care about her, even if you are ambivalent about it. Because of that, living with guilt over hurting your mom when you hear about her panic attacks and what have you isn't being free, either.)
I think, aim to reduce contact, but shoot for once every two or three days, not every week, at least at first.
Step one - head her off at the pass - send her the kind of text message she wants to read - "Just got home, love you" before she usually sends her probe text - she may feel somewhat pacified, and you may feel more in control of the interaction, rather than ambushed. You could even just keep forwarding the same text message. Do this every day for a week, and see what she does.
Step two - reduce the text messages to once every two days. Now, have the conversation whereby you explain that it's too much. (I mean, she already knows, kind of, but have it again.)
You might never get to a week, but 2-3 days punctuated by a text that you send might feel better. This strategy has worked very well to quiet the compulsive contact of one needy older parent / frustrated child pair I know.
At the same time, reframe these communications. It's not about 30 y/o you being babied, it's about 30 y/o you taking control of the interaction.
When she says or implies or you feel that it's never enough, tell her, and yourself: "sorry, but I'm doing the best I can", and shrug, and move on.
Read this book, also.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:07 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think, aim to reduce contact, but shoot for once every two or three days, not every week, at least at first.
Step one - head her off at the pass - send her the kind of text message she wants to read - "Just got home, love you" before she usually sends her probe text - she may feel somewhat pacified, and you may feel more in control of the interaction, rather than ambushed. You could even just keep forwarding the same text message. Do this every day for a week, and see what she does.
Step two - reduce the text messages to once every two days. Now, have the conversation whereby you explain that it's too much. (I mean, she already knows, kind of, but have it again.)
You might never get to a week, but 2-3 days punctuated by a text that you send might feel better. This strategy has worked very well to quiet the compulsive contact of one needy older parent / frustrated child pair I know.
At the same time, reframe these communications. It's not about 30 y/o you being babied, it's about 30 y/o you taking control of the interaction.
When she says or implies or you feel that it's never enough, tell her, and yourself: "sorry, but I'm doing the best I can", and shrug, and move on.
Read this book, also.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:07 AM on December 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
zdravo: "to implement the very good advice given above, use an application like "Mr. Number" for android phones to create a separate inbox for all her communication with you, that way you can manage how many times it grabs your attention because it will be in the app not on the main notification screen. "
Another technical solution to an emotional problem: You can set up an app that will automatically send a text message saying you arrived home safely when it picks up your home WiFi (or some other trigger). My husband has a long commute and I worry, especially in the winter, but it was an emotional burden on both of us expecting him to text me every day that he got to work safely (as I worried myself into a frenzy if he forgot; and it was intrusive for him to have to remember every day). Now his phone just automatically shoots me a "Arrived at the office at 8:25 a.m." message without either one of us doing anything when his phone acquires his office's wifi network. I don't spend all day worrying, he doesn't have to try to remember to do it every day.
A technical solution like this could ease your mother's anxiety while also removing the intrusive nature of her need, regarding you getting home safely. That would leave you free to focus on the other areas of intrusive contact and limit-setting, and hopefully you'd be having that conversation with your mother starting from a position of more comfort and feeling like you heard and understood her about some of her needs, which ideally means she'd be more reasonable.
It IS an emotional problem, not a technical one, but some of these technical solutions could help abate the emotional problem so it's less-big as you try to solve it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:50 AM on December 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
Another technical solution to an emotional problem: You can set up an app that will automatically send a text message saying you arrived home safely when it picks up your home WiFi (or some other trigger). My husband has a long commute and I worry, especially in the winter, but it was an emotional burden on both of us expecting him to text me every day that he got to work safely (as I worried myself into a frenzy if he forgot; and it was intrusive for him to have to remember every day). Now his phone just automatically shoots me a "Arrived at the office at 8:25 a.m." message without either one of us doing anything when his phone acquires his office's wifi network. I don't spend all day worrying, he doesn't have to try to remember to do it every day.
A technical solution like this could ease your mother's anxiety while also removing the intrusive nature of her need, regarding you getting home safely. That would leave you free to focus on the other areas of intrusive contact and limit-setting, and hopefully you'd be having that conversation with your mother starting from a position of more comfort and feeling like you heard and understood her about some of her needs, which ideally means she'd be more reasonable.
It IS an emotional problem, not a technical one, but some of these technical solutions could help abate the emotional problem so it's less-big as you try to solve it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:50 AM on December 22, 2014 [8 favorites]
How have you not run away already?
In writing, tell your mom she needs therapy and outside activities like a bowling league, garden club, volunteer opportunities, etc.. I'm totally serious.
Inform her in this letter you will only talk to her once per week, on Sundays. Give her your new telephone number.
Get a cheap pay-as-you-go phone. Give that number to your mom. Only turn this phone on on Sundays. Otherwise, keep it turned off and in a drawer where you can not see it.
Change your regular phone number. Do not give your new number to any family members.
I hate to say this, but everything you are complaining about are things you are allowing to happen.
Think about that. Stop allowing things you do not want.
Your mother is an adult.
posted by jbenben at 12:16 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
In writing, tell your mom she needs therapy and outside activities like a bowling league, garden club, volunteer opportunities, etc.. I'm totally serious.
Inform her in this letter you will only talk to her once per week, on Sundays. Give her your new telephone number.
Get a cheap pay-as-you-go phone. Give that number to your mom. Only turn this phone on on Sundays. Otherwise, keep it turned off and in a drawer where you can not see it.
Change your regular phone number. Do not give your new number to any family members.
I hate to say this, but everything you are complaining about are things you are allowing to happen.
Think about that. Stop allowing things you do not want.
Your mother is an adult.
posted by jbenben at 12:16 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know, I think some of these replies are a little harsh. Going from several times a day communication to once a week is a big leap. Expecting your mom to be totally cool and not push back on such a big change is unrealistic. How would you feel if she told you that she wouldn't communicate with you at all except on Sundays during a pre-determined window of time?
Is there a cultural aspect that we are missing? For example, is it normal in her home country for grown children to live with their parents until marriage? Or even after? If that's the case, then just having you live away from her is a big deal that she's probably already struggling with.
It kind of sounds like all of the anchors in her life are shifting and it's creating a lot of stress for her and she's trying to hold tight to one thing - her relationship with you. You can reassure her that she's important to you and holds a special place in your life without completely sacrificing your own needs. What if you shared more about your life in a way that doesn't feel intrusive to you? What kind of topics could you discuss with her that wouldn't make you feel put-upon? A hobby? Cooking? Local goings-on? I also like the idea to preempt her texts - it cuts off the anxiety spiral before it starts.
posted by tealcake at 12:57 PM on December 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is there a cultural aspect that we are missing? For example, is it normal in her home country for grown children to live with their parents until marriage? Or even after? If that's the case, then just having you live away from her is a big deal that she's probably already struggling with.
It kind of sounds like all of the anchors in her life are shifting and it's creating a lot of stress for her and she's trying to hold tight to one thing - her relationship with you. You can reassure her that she's important to you and holds a special place in your life without completely sacrificing your own needs. What if you shared more about your life in a way that doesn't feel intrusive to you? What kind of topics could you discuss with her that wouldn't make you feel put-upon? A hobby? Cooking? Local goings-on? I also like the idea to preempt her texts - it cuts off the anxiety spiral before it starts.
posted by tealcake at 12:57 PM on December 22, 2014 [3 favorites]
It may be that your mother presents with some form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Those of us with the misfortune of being children/partners of folks like this can have our emotional and physical energies drained in order to feed their endless craving for the validation of their self. There's a great paper on this.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them and not giving in to tantrums (especially when there is nothing they can lord over you or no danger to yourself.)
posted by softlord at 1:59 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Those of us with the misfortune of being children/partners of folks like this can have our emotional and physical energies drained in order to feed their endless craving for the validation of their self. There's a great paper on this.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them and not giving in to tantrums (especially when there is nothing they can lord over you or no danger to yourself.)
posted by softlord at 1:59 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
but she got very upset and cried and nothing really changes
But friend, why would anything change? You are not changing your own behaviour, so why would your mother - habituated to multiple contacts, extremely anxious, and getting the result she wants from you - change her behaviour?
Compared to the inertia of habit and deep-seated insecurity, a request is not really competitive. I think you know this. I feel that what you are really expressing here is a plaintive wish to change things to a state that is better emotionally for you (possibly both of you), without having to change your own behaviour, initiate a conflict with your mother, or really do anything. But this is unrealistic, and you and I both know that.
I understand the pressure that many non-western immigrant cultures face with regard to parents and the looking after/respect thereof. But, if you truly, actually, want things to change (and you should!), you need to accept that change is hard, time-consuming and will take a while, but can also bring great growth and satisfaction.
If the prospect of navigating this change is immediately upsetting and stressful for you, I would recommend drafting up a plan. This has multiple purposes:
1. By breaking things up into little steps, it can feel less intimidating and also hurtful. It becomes more accessible because you are just doing a little bit at a time.
2. By visualising what you're going to do, how you're going to do it, and what the results will be, you will be mentally rehearsing the steps and anticipating reactions and what you will do. This "practice" will make it easier to follow through once you're in the thick of things and it might be getting emotional.
3. By plotting a course you will be able to see a real sense of progress, and also have a nice reminder that you are working towards a goal - and that you are getting closer to it with every step you initiate.
I would recommend even writing it out, so it's something you can reference and come back to, to ensure you are genuinely putting it in to practice and also can check into it during times of stress.
Some concrete suggestions:
Devote a little time to thinking about what in particular about your life sparks this anxiety in your mother. Does she rarely travel into the city where you work or whatever? Commute with her one day from the burbs to an area near your office, and grab some lunch/do some shopping. If she sees how tame the trip is and can then associate the positive memories of your day together with your office/work, it may lessen some of her anxiety about both your travel and the location of your office.
Social media. Are you on Facebook, Instragram, whatever? Do you update at all regularly? If your mum can "follow along" with you on social media it will help her a) get a sense that you are both okay and busy and b) expose her to the totality of your life; the many experiences and thoughts and things that you do and how you engage with the world. Once she sees how... enmeshed you are in the fabric of life, it may lessen her anxiety for you. C) it could be a wonderful avenue for your mother to develop her own social network with friends or members of her expat community or a hobby she's interested in etc. This could potentially take some of the burden off you.
Best of luck OP, I feel your pain. Change can be challenging, it's true, but in this case I think the pay off for both you and your mum will be very much worth it. :)
posted by smoke at 1:59 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
But friend, why would anything change? You are not changing your own behaviour, so why would your mother - habituated to multiple contacts, extremely anxious, and getting the result she wants from you - change her behaviour?
Compared to the inertia of habit and deep-seated insecurity, a request is not really competitive. I think you know this. I feel that what you are really expressing here is a plaintive wish to change things to a state that is better emotionally for you (possibly both of you), without having to change your own behaviour, initiate a conflict with your mother, or really do anything. But this is unrealistic, and you and I both know that.
I understand the pressure that many non-western immigrant cultures face with regard to parents and the looking after/respect thereof. But, if you truly, actually, want things to change (and you should!), you need to accept that change is hard, time-consuming and will take a while, but can also bring great growth and satisfaction.
If the prospect of navigating this change is immediately upsetting and stressful for you, I would recommend drafting up a plan. This has multiple purposes:
1. By breaking things up into little steps, it can feel less intimidating and also hurtful. It becomes more accessible because you are just doing a little bit at a time.
2. By visualising what you're going to do, how you're going to do it, and what the results will be, you will be mentally rehearsing the steps and anticipating reactions and what you will do. This "practice" will make it easier to follow through once you're in the thick of things and it might be getting emotional.
3. By plotting a course you will be able to see a real sense of progress, and also have a nice reminder that you are working towards a goal - and that you are getting closer to it with every step you initiate.
I would recommend even writing it out, so it's something you can reference and come back to, to ensure you are genuinely putting it in to practice and also can check into it during times of stress.
Some concrete suggestions:
Devote a little time to thinking about what in particular about your life sparks this anxiety in your mother. Does she rarely travel into the city where you work or whatever? Commute with her one day from the burbs to an area near your office, and grab some lunch/do some shopping. If she sees how tame the trip is and can then associate the positive memories of your day together with your office/work, it may lessen some of her anxiety about both your travel and the location of your office.
Social media. Are you on Facebook, Instragram, whatever? Do you update at all regularly? If your mum can "follow along" with you on social media it will help her a) get a sense that you are both okay and busy and b) expose her to the totality of your life; the many experiences and thoughts and things that you do and how you engage with the world. Once she sees how... enmeshed you are in the fabric of life, it may lessen her anxiety for you. C) it could be a wonderful avenue for your mother to develop her own social network with friends or members of her expat community or a hobby she's interested in etc. This could potentially take some of the burden off you.
Best of luck OP, I feel your pain. Change can be challenging, it's true, but in this case I think the pay off for both you and your mum will be very much worth it. :)
posted by smoke at 1:59 PM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I am from an ethnic background (though born here) and I agree that it would be impossible to reduce to one call a week. Also, unlikely as it seems , if you did reduce interactions to once a week, I bet eventually you would really miss her, and the attention. My MO with needy people is to oblige on the easy interactions (such as quick text that you got home), and then cut back on other ones. Also, if you are genuinely busy eg with a running club that meets twice a week, or with a charity planning a huge event, then you genuinely can't answer texts immediately. You may also make new friends in the process. Best of luck.
posted by leslievictoria at 5:12 PM on December 22, 2014
posted by leslievictoria at 5:12 PM on December 22, 2014
I agree that you'll be unlikely to be able to reduce your communication to one phonecall a week, unless she gets treatment for anxiety.
I like the idea of a technological fix. The automatic texting sounds nifty. Or if you have a smart phone, you could set it up so that she can look up where you are. You might feel uncomfortable with having your mum know where you are at all times, but personally, I would find it less intrusive than having to proactively text her all the time (and you could always leave your phone at home and forward it to another phone, if you wanted to).
posted by kjs4 at 9:53 PM on December 22, 2014
I like the idea of a technological fix. The automatic texting sounds nifty. Or if you have a smart phone, you could set it up so that she can look up where you are. You might feel uncomfortable with having your mum know where you are at all times, but personally, I would find it less intrusive than having to proactively text her all the time (and you could always leave your phone at home and forward it to another phone, if you wanted to).
posted by kjs4 at 9:53 PM on December 22, 2014
In a way trying to make this change with your mother gives you a taste of what it's like to be a parent. Parents have to face these kinds of issues with their kids when doing things like sleep training, or refusing to buy that shiny toy or candy bar at the store, or dropping them off at daycare, and so forth. And it's amazing that even when you know that what you're doing is the right thing, somehow it can actually be heartbreaking to follow though and watch them sob and fall apart in front of you - to them what they are asking of you is the most important thing in the world in that moment. It sounds ridiculous but I almost cried while trying to potty train my daughter when she started sobbing and saying "diaper, diaper please" and tried to put the diaper on herself. And when she wanted a shiny giant elephant balloon in the store the other day and wailed about it, I seriously had the thought that it would be nice to just buy it for her and see that smile on her face (and I was never the type of child who got shiny balloons from my parents at the store, nor have I ever wanted to be the kind of mother who buys baubles on demand at the store).
Anyway, with that in mind, what has worked for me in these situations is to remind myself that what she's asking of me is not reasonable, that what I'm doing is the right thing, that even though she's crying and upset now, what I'm doing is going to help her to be a better, stronger, more independent person in the long run. And I've been putting this into practice long enough already to see that that is very true. Then it's so wonderful to be able to see her behaving well and learning how to make herself happy. Sometimes when I think it's important, I'll give her some extra hugs, or an extra story at bedtime, or I'll just hold her while she cries and say 'you can't have that, but I love you anyway.' I think with a mom, it might make sense to do something like that too - reminders that you love her regardless of what other issue you might disagree on. Like, you could bake some cookies and send them in the mail, or send her a little card telling her what a great mom she is/has been, or you can go for a little surprise visit sometime and do some special mother-daughter activity with her. Anything that's not phone calls/texts but does reinforce that you love her very much and just because you're not going to do certain things that you don't think are reasonable, that doesn't mean you've stopped loving her.
I hope it doesn't sound crazy to compare this situation to dealing with a child. No disrespect is meant by it, I really think some of the same kinds of strategies could apply. I hope you're able to start in on your plan very soon - you really will be helping her to live a better life in the future, even though it'll be painful in the short term.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:02 PM on December 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Anyway, with that in mind, what has worked for me in these situations is to remind myself that what she's asking of me is not reasonable, that what I'm doing is the right thing, that even though she's crying and upset now, what I'm doing is going to help her to be a better, stronger, more independent person in the long run. And I've been putting this into practice long enough already to see that that is very true. Then it's so wonderful to be able to see her behaving well and learning how to make herself happy. Sometimes when I think it's important, I'll give her some extra hugs, or an extra story at bedtime, or I'll just hold her while she cries and say 'you can't have that, but I love you anyway.' I think with a mom, it might make sense to do something like that too - reminders that you love her regardless of what other issue you might disagree on. Like, you could bake some cookies and send them in the mail, or send her a little card telling her what a great mom she is/has been, or you can go for a little surprise visit sometime and do some special mother-daughter activity with her. Anything that's not phone calls/texts but does reinforce that you love her very much and just because you're not going to do certain things that you don't think are reasonable, that doesn't mean you've stopped loving her.
I hope it doesn't sound crazy to compare this situation to dealing with a child. No disrespect is meant by it, I really think some of the same kinds of strategies could apply. I hope you're able to start in on your plan very soon - you really will be helping her to live a better life in the future, even though it'll be painful in the short term.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:02 PM on December 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
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Determine what is comfortable for you in terms of frequency and type of contact. Let her know what those limits are. Ignore any contact above and beyond that level. If this is problematic for her, do not enter into any discussions with her other than encouraging her to find someone to talk to about this.
Now, if the problem, once that is done, is YOUR emotional response to her crying and getting upset, I would encourage YOU to find someone to talk to that can give you some objective feedback and affirm your right to be an adult and your right to disengage from her behavior.
And, be kind and matter of fact as you do this.
posted by HuronBob at 3:49 AM on December 22, 2014 [24 favorites]