Have you ever "broken up" with a friend?
November 11, 2014 8:09 PM Subscribe
There's a guy I've been friends with - very close friends at one point - for over 20 years. I won't get into the details, but I've decided that because of his shoddy behavior towards myself and others I no longer want him in my life. How should I proceed?
Two problems; one, I've never had to "break up" with a friend before and I'm not sure how to go about it. If he were just an acquaintance I could just ignore him until he gets the point, but I've known him long enough that I feel I owe him an explanation, not to mention the fact that our social circles overlap quite a bit. Which leads me to the second problem; he's friends with virtually all of my other friends, which is probably going to lead to some social awkwardness. How should I go about telling people about my decision?
Two problems; one, I've never had to "break up" with a friend before and I'm not sure how to go about it. If he were just an acquaintance I could just ignore him until he gets the point, but I've known him long enough that I feel I owe him an explanation, not to mention the fact that our social circles overlap quite a bit. Which leads me to the second problem; he's friends with virtually all of my other friends, which is probably going to lead to some social awkwardness. How should I go about telling people about my decision?
Without knowing the details involved it's not clear cut what could happen. I've broken up with "friends" before... or rather false friends, and it can be tricky when you share social circles. If your social circle has people who are a little on the selfish side in terms of socializing some may gang up on you a little bit claiming that you're the one causing the awkwardness. I remember when someone I knew had a lot of his money stolen and his identity stolent ie- credit ruined by his brother who wasn't very sorry about it either. The family ganged up on him for trying to get charges pressed against them and when they simply tried to not allow that person in their life anymore everyone ganged up on him saying that HE was the one seperating the family by not forgiving. In reality these people were being selfish. Their selfish mentality is- 'I can't change the person causing trouble, but I CAN possibly change the reasonable person because they are reasonable. Then if this person just accepts being the family punching bag already I can have dinner in peace with all the people I want to be here.' This sort of thing can happen among long-time friends too.
Without knowing the details, I think you can probably just let your close friends know that you feel better when you are not around this person and based on that have decided that it's healthier for your psyche to simply keep your distance from them. And only tell them this IF you have to which you might if it becomes clear that you are avoiding events that he attends. They may be behind you on it 100% ...or they may judge you for it. You have to be accepting of either one and just stick by your decision with grace and without attacking anyone.
posted by rancher at 8:30 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
Without knowing the details, I think you can probably just let your close friends know that you feel better when you are not around this person and based on that have decided that it's healthier for your psyche to simply keep your distance from them. And only tell them this IF you have to which you might if it becomes clear that you are avoiding events that he attends. They may be behind you on it 100% ...or they may judge you for it. You have to be accepting of either one and just stick by your decision with grace and without attacking anyone.
posted by rancher at 8:30 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
My first thought is, should you explain to him and give him a chance to understand and change? Are you absolutely sure this is irreconcilable? If he deserves the chance to change, I would talk to him as someone who is still apparently a longtime friend of yours.
If you've decided he's a lost cause, I'm not sure how much you can "break up" with him if he is this intertwined in your life and social circle. It will just create drama, force people to pick sides and be uncomfortable. In other words, the "break out" will make things awkward. So I wouldn't "break up."
Is this a situation where you never, ever want to see him again? Or is this a situation where you just don't want to be his friend and put up with his shit anymore? If it's the latter, I would just mention to him -- not in a "we're breaking up" way, but in a "hey, just so you know" way -- that you think his behavior is shitty and you aren't cool with it. You can mention that it makes it hard for you to want to hang out with him, or it makes it hard for you to trust him, or whatever it is. Don't be angry or accusatory. Just "me" and "I" statements. Be matter of fact and as casual as you can be. And then, just do the slow fade out. You don't have to put a label on it, i.e. you never want to see him again. Assuming your grievance is legitimate, he will catch on that you don't want to hang out. For your part, don't hang out with him anymore and avoid him on social media. If you have to see him in a group setting, be cordial but distant. You can mention casually to your closest friends, in passing conversation when it makes sense, that his behavior has been a bit off-putting and you haven't been hanging out with him as much anymore. Don't turn it into a dramatic thing.
If you never want to see him again... good luck with that. "Breaking up" is really the only way to go then. But I'm not sure what you'd do, other than making your friends to decide between you or him when it comes to gatherings.
(I agree with the above people -- part of how this goes depends on what he did. If it's something your friends would also find universally horrible, that's different than some personal objection you have to him. I am assuming this is a personal thing, where maybe he's been kind of jerk but it's really only about you and your own boundaries, rather than him doing something categorically wrong or abhorrent.)
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:06 PM on November 11, 2014
If you've decided he's a lost cause, I'm not sure how much you can "break up" with him if he is this intertwined in your life and social circle. It will just create drama, force people to pick sides and be uncomfortable. In other words, the "break out" will make things awkward. So I wouldn't "break up."
Is this a situation where you never, ever want to see him again? Or is this a situation where you just don't want to be his friend and put up with his shit anymore? If it's the latter, I would just mention to him -- not in a "we're breaking up" way, but in a "hey, just so you know" way -- that you think his behavior is shitty and you aren't cool with it. You can mention that it makes it hard for you to want to hang out with him, or it makes it hard for you to trust him, or whatever it is. Don't be angry or accusatory. Just "me" and "I" statements. Be matter of fact and as casual as you can be. And then, just do the slow fade out. You don't have to put a label on it, i.e. you never want to see him again. Assuming your grievance is legitimate, he will catch on that you don't want to hang out. For your part, don't hang out with him anymore and avoid him on social media. If you have to see him in a group setting, be cordial but distant. You can mention casually to your closest friends, in passing conversation when it makes sense, that his behavior has been a bit off-putting and you haven't been hanging out with him as much anymore. Don't turn it into a dramatic thing.
If you never want to see him again... good luck with that. "Breaking up" is really the only way to go then. But I'm not sure what you'd do, other than making your friends to decide between you or him when it comes to gatherings.
(I agree with the above people -- part of how this goes depends on what he did. If it's something your friends would also find universally horrible, that's different than some personal objection you have to him. I am assuming this is a personal thing, where maybe he's been kind of jerk but it's really only about you and your own boundaries, rather than him doing something categorically wrong or abhorrent.)
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:06 PM on November 11, 2014
I've "broken up" with a "friend" before. It involved not hanging around with them, being "cool" towards them, and if they ask for your help or for money or for a favor, you always say no. It wasn't emotionally difficult for me because, frankly, if they managed to work themselves into a place where I wanted nothing to do with them, then any feelings were already long gone.
Not sure this will help you. This is one of those things where if you're asking advice, it would help to tell more about the situation and what this "friend" has done to earn your disfavor. In my case it was someone who was constantly using me for all manner of things, and he was a jerk about it on top of that. I finally had enough of it and he was gone.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:29 PM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Not sure this will help you. This is one of those things where if you're asking advice, it would help to tell more about the situation and what this "friend" has done to earn your disfavor. In my case it was someone who was constantly using me for all manner of things, and he was a jerk about it on top of that. I finally had enough of it and he was gone.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:29 PM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Don't involve anyone else. Leave everyone out of it but him.
With him, be clear, direct, kind, and honest. Say it short and say it once. Don't get dragged into long explanations about things and don't fight back. Boundaries bother people who like to violate them. If you put up boundaries, he may try to raise a fuss. He may try to tell you that your boundaries aren't legitimate, or he may try to say that actually you're the one violating his boundaries so he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore (the old "you can't fire me; I quit!" speech), or he may try to explain why he broke your boundaries or how his actions don't really break your boundaries at all because you don't understand your boundaries as well as he does.... Ignore these responses. They're typical.
To everyone but him, you say, "Oh, I've been so busy, I haven't seen him in awhile!" or "Oh, I'm not seeing him as much anymore, hope he's doing well!" If other people want more gossip, consider whether or not they're really your friends. Friends won't push on you at all if you say that, but drama monsters will. "Why not?! Did you two have a falling out? Is everything OK?" are questions that you should not engage with on any level. "I don't want to pursue this topic, you're being really pushy" is a fine thing to say if it gets to that point - which it won't, unless your friends have issues with boundaries as well.
To him, you say the one thing one time. Remain civil and polite and engage with him on any level you feel comfortable with in group settings - at least say hi, and act like everything is normal and fine (unless of course he did something entirely egregious, which doesn't seem to be the tone of your question). If you don't engage in drama and you make this straightforward with him and you do it cleanly and without gossiping, this should be relatively easy. You won't feel a thing when he's around and you'll be free to live your life without the weight that is this dude.
posted by sockermom at 9:30 PM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
With him, be clear, direct, kind, and honest. Say it short and say it once. Don't get dragged into long explanations about things and don't fight back. Boundaries bother people who like to violate them. If you put up boundaries, he may try to raise a fuss. He may try to tell you that your boundaries aren't legitimate, or he may try to say that actually you're the one violating his boundaries so he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore (the old "you can't fire me; I quit!" speech), or he may try to explain why he broke your boundaries or how his actions don't really break your boundaries at all because you don't understand your boundaries as well as he does.... Ignore these responses. They're typical.
To everyone but him, you say, "Oh, I've been so busy, I haven't seen him in awhile!" or "Oh, I'm not seeing him as much anymore, hope he's doing well!" If other people want more gossip, consider whether or not they're really your friends. Friends won't push on you at all if you say that, but drama monsters will. "Why not?! Did you two have a falling out? Is everything OK?" are questions that you should not engage with on any level. "I don't want to pursue this topic, you're being really pushy" is a fine thing to say if it gets to that point - which it won't, unless your friends have issues with boundaries as well.
To him, you say the one thing one time. Remain civil and polite and engage with him on any level you feel comfortable with in group settings - at least say hi, and act like everything is normal and fine (unless of course he did something entirely egregious, which doesn't seem to be the tone of your question). If you don't engage in drama and you make this straightforward with him and you do it cleanly and without gossiping, this should be relatively easy. You won't feel a thing when he's around and you'll be free to live your life without the weight that is this dude.
posted by sockermom at 9:30 PM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you like your advice in podcast form, Episode 4 of the Call Your Girlfriend Podcast addresses this very issue.
posted by El_Marto at 4:53 AM on November 12, 2014
posted by El_Marto at 4:53 AM on November 12, 2014
I ended a long term friendship after several years of wondering why exactly we were friends anymore. For years when we'd talk, I'd wonder when or if she'd ask about me. Anything about me. Many if not most times, she didn't ask. I had become a sounding board, only needed when there was drama or a problem. I slowly noticed that she lied a lot. When she started lying about things that I knew were untrue (as in, I was there) I began to rethink our friendship. She was like a little child to me, making things up as she went along, and it was usually to get sympathy, favors, or to get out of trouble. I knew it was over when I felt obligated to spend time with her at holidays, we were more like relatives than friends. We shared a past but not a present or future.
The best way to do it is quickly, quietly and low-drama if possible. Stay focused on the fact that it is over. Don't negotiate! I still think of my old friend & wish her well, she calls me a couple times a year for some favor or drama. She's always fishing to restart things but I remain calm, cool, & kind. Think of the sweetest salesperson, who is kind & yet vague when you ask if you look fat in this dress. No, you look lovely, that color suits you, excuse me, I have to ring someone up now.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:15 AM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
The best way to do it is quickly, quietly and low-drama if possible. Stay focused on the fact that it is over. Don't negotiate! I still think of my old friend & wish her well, she calls me a couple times a year for some favor or drama. She's always fishing to restart things but I remain calm, cool, & kind. Think of the sweetest salesperson, who is kind & yet vague when you ask if you look fat in this dress. No, you look lovely, that color suits you, excuse me, I have to ring someone up now.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:15 AM on November 12, 2014 [5 favorites]
Which leads me to the second problem; he's friends with virtually all of my other friends, which is probably going to lead to some social awkwardness.
If you are still planning to see your other friends, and he's going to be around, all you can really do is not see him one on one. He is still going to be in your life. If he confronts you about spending less time with him, you could point to some reasons but it sounds like you know he is not going to change.
posted by BibiRose at 7:23 AM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you are still planning to see your other friends, and he's going to be around, all you can really do is not see him one on one. He is still going to be in your life. If he confronts you about spending less time with him, you could point to some reasons but it sounds like you know he is not going to change.
posted by BibiRose at 7:23 AM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'd say do the slow fade away. It happens even amongst the best of friends as you get older. Actually telling this person what you are doing seems like asking for drama.
posted by Che boludo! at 12:30 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Che boludo! at 12:30 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think it depends a lot on the reasons for the "break up." You could think of a spectrum here:
a) Incompatible personalities. Example: You are super punctual, he is always flaky and/or late to things. This doesn't make him an evil person...just not in line with your priorities/needs. In this case, definitely no need to involve mutual friends, and you're probably fine with seeing him at group events -- you just don't want to personally suffer from his lateness anymore, so you perhaps want to stop with the 1-on-1 hangouts. Solution here is to just stop inviting him to 1-on-1 hangouts, and if he invites you or asks you what's up, say something to the effect of: "Hey, I'll be really happy to see you at Jen's game night, but to be honest the last 5 times we hung out you kinda flaked, and I need a break from that."
b) Active badness that falls short of abuse/illegal things. Example: malicious gossip, failing to be supportive for big stuff, borrowing money and being shitty about paying it back. Here, I would still try to avoid any drama in the larger group as much as possible. Don't invite him to your things, but also don't throw a fit if other people invite both of you to the same event. Just avoid him and enjoy your time hanging out with others. Really think about whether telling him the reasons for the 'breakup' are just to make you feel good about venting to him, or whether it's actually accomplishing something going forward. Not to say you CAN'T send that email, but if it's only to try and make him feel bad, I would skip it and just move forward with doing your own thing/being happy with other friends.
c) Extremely serious things that mean you really can't be in the same room as him. Examples would include sexual assault, emotional abuse, etc. In this case, I think it's fine to let friends know what's going on, but go into it knowing that unfortunately you may not get as much support as you want or need. Depending on the situation, I might want to leave the details for close friends who I know will support me, and with the larger group say something like: "I don't want to get into details, but for now I can't be around Friend X. If you're planning a large event where we are both invited, please let me know so I can bow out gracefully." Just for your own safety, I would probably avoid confronting him directly and instead would simply block him on all social media.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:49 PM on November 12, 2014
a) Incompatible personalities. Example: You are super punctual, he is always flaky and/or late to things. This doesn't make him an evil person...just not in line with your priorities/needs. In this case, definitely no need to involve mutual friends, and you're probably fine with seeing him at group events -- you just don't want to personally suffer from his lateness anymore, so you perhaps want to stop with the 1-on-1 hangouts. Solution here is to just stop inviting him to 1-on-1 hangouts, and if he invites you or asks you what's up, say something to the effect of: "Hey, I'll be really happy to see you at Jen's game night, but to be honest the last 5 times we hung out you kinda flaked, and I need a break from that."
b) Active badness that falls short of abuse/illegal things. Example: malicious gossip, failing to be supportive for big stuff, borrowing money and being shitty about paying it back. Here, I would still try to avoid any drama in the larger group as much as possible. Don't invite him to your things, but also don't throw a fit if other people invite both of you to the same event. Just avoid him and enjoy your time hanging out with others. Really think about whether telling him the reasons for the 'breakup' are just to make you feel good about venting to him, or whether it's actually accomplishing something going forward. Not to say you CAN'T send that email, but if it's only to try and make him feel bad, I would skip it and just move forward with doing your own thing/being happy with other friends.
c) Extremely serious things that mean you really can't be in the same room as him. Examples would include sexual assault, emotional abuse, etc. In this case, I think it's fine to let friends know what's going on, but go into it knowing that unfortunately you may not get as much support as you want or need. Depending on the situation, I might want to leave the details for close friends who I know will support me, and with the larger group say something like: "I don't want to get into details, but for now I can't be around Friend X. If you're planning a large event where we are both invited, please let me know so I can bow out gracefully." Just for your own safety, I would probably avoid confronting him directly and instead would simply block him on all social media.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:49 PM on November 12, 2014
I broke up with my "best friend" after years of slowly realizing I couldn't trust her, wouldn't ever trust her in the future, and that she consistently treated my other friends and acquaintances badly and would be unlikely to change.
I started with the slow fade, and when she moved away that was when I considered it fini. She wasn't a FB user at the time, so when she came into town the first time after moving, she called me to hang out. I didn't answer. When she called again, and left a message, I returned the call, intending to tell her something like, I can't be your friend anymore because of the way you treat people. Unfortunately, she didn't answer so I blurted out something incoherent on her phone message about how I didn't like who I was when I was with her. (Which was true, but seriously vague.)
A year or so later, she messaged me on FB wondering why I'd friend-dumped her. I have written messages back, but deleted all of them before sending. I am currently writing a novel with her as a character that will explain my reasoning, should she ever read it. Ridiculous, right?
The point is, I don't know if it's better to explain or just let it go. I kind of think explanations can be very hurtful, and lead to arguments about whether you are doing the right thing. I know I did the right thing for myself, but I don't know whether explanations or silence are kinder. I would never be able to explain it all to her in a way that wouldn't open communications, and I don't want to argue about it with her. I don't think she would see my explanations as true, because she isn't honest with anyone about anything, including herself. So... there it lies.
posted by RedEmma at 4:32 PM on November 12, 2014
I started with the slow fade, and when she moved away that was when I considered it fini. She wasn't a FB user at the time, so when she came into town the first time after moving, she called me to hang out. I didn't answer. When she called again, and left a message, I returned the call, intending to tell her something like, I can't be your friend anymore because of the way you treat people. Unfortunately, she didn't answer so I blurted out something incoherent on her phone message about how I didn't like who I was when I was with her. (Which was true, but seriously vague.)
A year or so later, she messaged me on FB wondering why I'd friend-dumped her. I have written messages back, but deleted all of them before sending. I am currently writing a novel with her as a character that will explain my reasoning, should she ever read it. Ridiculous, right?
The point is, I don't know if it's better to explain or just let it go. I kind of think explanations can be very hurtful, and lead to arguments about whether you are doing the right thing. I know I did the right thing for myself, but I don't know whether explanations or silence are kinder. I would never be able to explain it all to her in a way that wouldn't open communications, and I don't want to argue about it with her. I don't think she would see my explanations as true, because she isn't honest with anyone about anything, including herself. So... there it lies.
posted by RedEmma at 4:32 PM on November 12, 2014
+1 slow fade.
I haven't had a friendship for that long, but I guess it's better to do it like this than to write a e-mail saying how much you dislike him now.
1. It will give you time to change your mind. It happened to me. I was trying to cut somone off and after a while I realized that was too drastic. Sometimes you are tired and need some distance from the situation.
2. It will give your friend time to evolve or something. We don't know what's the deal here, maybe your friend is going through a crisis and needs some space to be "himself" again.
3. You can avoid confrontation later on by saying you guys "grew apart" or something like that.
I don't know, friendships are weird. Hope you can work this out.
Also, make new friends.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 6:05 PM on November 12, 2014
I haven't had a friendship for that long, but I guess it's better to do it like this than to write a e-mail saying how much you dislike him now.
1. It will give you time to change your mind. It happened to me. I was trying to cut somone off and after a while I realized that was too drastic. Sometimes you are tired and need some distance from the situation.
2. It will give your friend time to evolve or something. We don't know what's the deal here, maybe your friend is going through a crisis and needs some space to be "himself" again.
3. You can avoid confrontation later on by saying you guys "grew apart" or something like that.
I don't know, friendships are weird. Hope you can work this out.
Also, make new friends.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 6:05 PM on November 12, 2014
I tried to fade away, but my friend was persistent. So I wrote a long letter, and then went no contact. This lasted for a year, while she continued to try to contact me against my wishes. I buckled and we got back together, but I soon realized that nothing had changed and that in fact she now had a whole new thing to make me feel badly about. So if you do it -do it. I finally just stopped returning her calls and she got the picture.
posted by Biblio at 6:28 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Biblio at 6:28 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The main thing I did right was not involve any of our shared friends. I only talked about our issues with my sisters and distant friends who didn't know him at all. If common friends asked about him, I'd just blow it off with something like, "Oh, I don't know, we're not hanging out much lately."
So I recommend clearly letting ex-friend know, as kindly as possible. But don't make announcements to other people. Badmouthing the ex-friend to shared friends will just be bad for you, and you can't really blurt out something like "Oh I friend-broke-up with Ex-Friend," and not have them ask questions. Hopefully, he'll show the same maturity.
posted by ktkt at 8:24 PM on November 11, 2014 [2 favorites]