Is my sister abusing her husband? How do I help?
October 13, 2014 7:57 AM Subscribe
My sister is out of control and her behavior is hurting her husband (physically and emotionally) and children (only emotionally). I am not sure how to help anyone in the situation or where to turn for help. Is this none of my business? Do I have a responsibility to step in?
Examples of what's been going on in their house, often in front of (elementary school aged) kids:
-She has punched him, leaving bruises.
-She pulled a knife on him in the kitchen and threatened him with it.
-He restrained her from smashing one of the kids' toys and it resulted in her falling down and hitting her knee on a bed. She called the police on him, but decided not to press charges once they arrived.
-She has dumped things on him during fights, including pitchers of water and poo-and-pee filled cat litter.
-She gets into rages and berates him in front of the children. She often blames him for her problems and the problems in the family. Tells him she wants a real man who can support her. Requires an apology. The kids beg him to apologize so she'll stop yelling, which he usually does.
Also, she routinely goest out with friends and stays out until 7am on weekends, then comes home and sleeps until noon or later. The kids are always asking ("Where's mom?" "When is mom coming home?")
He is at the end of his rope. He has been seeing a counselor about it, both for his wellbeing and also to document a history of her behavior. The situation where she called the police really scared him because he fears that if he upsets her, she might do it again and he could lose her and/or the kids. He loves her so much (as do I) but we don't know how to help her. What do you call this situation? What is my responsibility here? My brother-in-law has finally reached out to our family for help and I'm not sure how to respond.
Examples of what's been going on in their house, often in front of (elementary school aged) kids:
-She has punched him, leaving bruises.
-She pulled a knife on him in the kitchen and threatened him with it.
-He restrained her from smashing one of the kids' toys and it resulted in her falling down and hitting her knee on a bed. She called the police on him, but decided not to press charges once they arrived.
-She has dumped things on him during fights, including pitchers of water and poo-and-pee filled cat litter.
-She gets into rages and berates him in front of the children. She often blames him for her problems and the problems in the family. Tells him she wants a real man who can support her. Requires an apology. The kids beg him to apologize so she'll stop yelling, which he usually does.
Also, she routinely goest out with friends and stays out until 7am on weekends, then comes home and sleeps until noon or later. The kids are always asking ("Where's mom?" "When is mom coming home?")
He is at the end of his rope. He has been seeing a counselor about it, both for his wellbeing and also to document a history of her behavior. The situation where she called the police really scared him because he fears that if he upsets her, she might do it again and he could lose her and/or the kids. He loves her so much (as do I) but we don't know how to help her. What do you call this situation? What is my responsibility here? My brother-in-law has finally reached out to our family for help and I'm not sure how to respond.
Have you witnessed any of these incidents, or does your information come entirely from him?
posted by prefpara at 8:12 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 8:12 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Is there a possibility that there are substance abuse issues involved? This is abuse, plain and simple, though. Are you the only family member he reached out to? Are the examples things you have observed on your own?
If this were a situation where the genders were reversed, the answer would be for the BIL to get out. My advice is the same, but unfortunately, the male-accessible resources are not as widespread as resources for female victims of domestic violence. All the best to your family in this.
posted by kellyblah at 8:13 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
If this were a situation where the genders were reversed, the answer would be for the BIL to get out. My advice is the same, but unfortunately, the male-accessible resources are not as widespread as resources for female victims of domestic violence. All the best to your family in this.
posted by kellyblah at 8:13 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Is it possible your sister is seriously abusing alcohol or some other drug? It's amazing how often family members are clueless. It's also possible she's got some form of mental illness. How old is she?
Is there anyone in your family that your sister respects more than any other? Can that person convince her to get a thorough checkup to rule out biological factors?
In the meantime, does he have an escape plan that does not involve staying with members of your family? I say this because your sister may need all of the help your family can offer.
posted by mareli at 8:15 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Is there anyone in your family that your sister respects more than any other? Can that person convince her to get a thorough checkup to rule out biological factors?
In the meantime, does he have an escape plan that does not involve staying with members of your family? I say this because your sister may need all of the help your family can offer.
posted by mareli at 8:15 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Please, please help your brother in law escape a situation of severe physical and emotional domestic violence. If your loyalties feel split because your sister is the one perpetrating the abuse, think of their children who will grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship that they should emulate.
Pulling a knife on him and threatening him with it? That is what people who work with domestic violence victims call a a lethality factor that indicates that your brother in law is at risk of being killed.
Give him the number for a domestic violence hotline, where he can get help forming a safety plan to escape this situation. If she hits him again, ask him to take photos of the bruises. Go to court with him and help him file a temporary order of protection for him and his children. Help him find a counselor who specializes in treating domestic violence victims. Encourage him to consider divorce and to get a lawyer who will help him fight for custody of the children. Offer him and your nieces/nephews financial help and emotional support.
If you believe that any of the things that you listed are true, he needs all the help he can get escaping a dangerous batterer and getting him and his children to a place of safety.
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 8:19 AM on October 13, 2014 [27 favorites]
Pulling a knife on him and threatening him with it? That is what people who work with domestic violence victims call a a lethality factor that indicates that your brother in law is at risk of being killed.
Give him the number for a domestic violence hotline, where he can get help forming a safety plan to escape this situation. If she hits him again, ask him to take photos of the bruises. Go to court with him and help him file a temporary order of protection for him and his children. Help him find a counselor who specializes in treating domestic violence victims. Encourage him to consider divorce and to get a lawyer who will help him fight for custody of the children. Offer him and your nieces/nephews financial help and emotional support.
If you believe that any of the things that you listed are true, he needs all the help he can get escaping a dangerous batterer and getting him and his children to a place of safety.
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 8:19 AM on October 13, 2014 [27 favorites]
Response by poster: I did not witness any of the violent incidents, but I believe him 100%. Her behavior in general is getting hard to deal with. My mother has witnessed the staying out until all hours thing first-hand when she sleeps over at their house. My mom is close with my sister, and is the first person my BIL reached out to. She also takes the kids whenever possible to alleviate some of the problems. There is a family history of manic-depression.
posted by RingerChopChop at 8:23 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by RingerChopChop at 8:23 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Physical abuse happening in front of children is usually something CPS can act on. I would direct him toward a domestic violence shelter and get CPS involved, too.
posted by jaguar at 8:24 AM on October 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 8:24 AM on October 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
I would direct him toward a domestic violence shelter
I should have clarified -- for support and resources, not necessarily for shelter.
posted by jaguar at 8:25 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I should have clarified -- for support and resources, not necessarily for shelter.
posted by jaguar at 8:25 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
This is absolutely domestic violence and abuse. What has his counselor been suggesting, if anything? My gosh, if the genders were reversed and a woman in counseling reported that her husband pulled a knife on her I would hope the counselor would be a useful resource and help connect their client to local DV resources, push them to contact a lawyer to discuss legal issues, etc.
I understand that he and you love your sister, and there is the added stigma of admitting to being a victim of abuse as a man. But he needs to prioritize the interests of his kids above either of those things: it is true both that they are victims of her abuse as well, and that if he delays acting, and taking the right actions, he could jeopardize his ability to protect them: steps 1 and 2 are: domestic violence hotline, family lawyer. Contacting a lawyer does not mean a commitment to divorce. He needs to get himself and his children physically separated from his wife, and things can proceed from there, which may mean her committing to mental health/substance abuse treatment if that's applicable before considering any future together.
posted by drlith at 8:27 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I understand that he and you love your sister, and there is the added stigma of admitting to being a victim of abuse as a man. But he needs to prioritize the interests of his kids above either of those things: it is true both that they are victims of her abuse as well, and that if he delays acting, and taking the right actions, he could jeopardize his ability to protect them: steps 1 and 2 are: domestic violence hotline, family lawyer. Contacting a lawyer does not mean a commitment to divorce. He needs to get himself and his children physically separated from his wife, and things can proceed from there, which may mean her committing to mental health/substance abuse treatment if that's applicable before considering any future together.
posted by drlith at 8:27 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Agreeing with everyone that your sister does need help. Not chastisement, help.
People have speculated that drug or substance abuse may be at play; however, I can speak from personal experience when I say that no, that's not always the case. Because I was in your sister's position many years ago. It was a much lesser extent in my case, but I was lashing out with hits at a boyfriend at the time. And in my case, it was simply because I was very, very young, and very, VERY inexperienced when it came to controlling my anger.
The resources for women who are actively abusing are not as forthcoming, either - everyone assumes the woman is the one abused rather than the abus-er, and the tendancy in our society is to make excuses for the woman who may be slapping her partner. I actually sought help from friends and asked their advice because I was totally freaked out I'd been doing that, but an awful lot of them said things like "well, he must have driven you to it" or something, and I had to insist that even so, nobody should be hitting anybody, dammit. I did finally help myself just through a lot of self-help books, but that shit was HARD.
Help your brother-in-law, but also reach out to help your sister. She may not know how to ask for it, or even worse, she may have tried to ask for it but gotten similar "well your husband must really be driving you to do that" kind of crap excuses made for her.
good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on October 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
People have speculated that drug or substance abuse may be at play; however, I can speak from personal experience when I say that no, that's not always the case. Because I was in your sister's position many years ago. It was a much lesser extent in my case, but I was lashing out with hits at a boyfriend at the time. And in my case, it was simply because I was very, very young, and very, VERY inexperienced when it came to controlling my anger.
The resources for women who are actively abusing are not as forthcoming, either - everyone assumes the woman is the one abused rather than the abus-er, and the tendancy in our society is to make excuses for the woman who may be slapping her partner. I actually sought help from friends and asked their advice because I was totally freaked out I'd been doing that, but an awful lot of them said things like "well, he must have driven you to it" or something, and I had to insist that even so, nobody should be hitting anybody, dammit. I did finally help myself just through a lot of self-help books, but that shit was HARD.
Help your brother-in-law, but also reach out to help your sister. She may not know how to ask for it, or even worse, she may have tried to ask for it but gotten similar "well your husband must really be driving you to do that" kind of crap excuses made for her.
good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:32 AM on October 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
The situation where she called the police really scared him because he fears that if he upsets her, she might do it again and he could lose her and/or the kids.
He needs to consult a family law lawyer right now and start making preparations for a divorce and a custody battle, IMO.
posted by empath at 8:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [33 favorites]
He needs to consult a family law lawyer right now and start making preparations for a divorce and a custody battle, IMO.
posted by empath at 8:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [33 favorites]
What does your BIL want to do? Does he want out? Does he want her to leave? Does he want her to go & get help? If like my SIL he's too traumatized to make any decisions just yet, get him & the children to safety. It took my SIL almost 6 months before she could make any decisions on her own she had shut down so hard just to survive.
He needs to start documenting every single incident, with photos of injuries if possible, outside witnesses etc. Abuse cases are notoriously hard to prove my SIL has been trying to prove it against my brother for several years, we know he abused her we've seen it happening but family do not get taken seriously as witnesses and it comes down to our word against his. This is in a more "traditional" man abusing women scenario, I cant' even imagine how many thousands of times more difficult it would be to for a man to get believed. Document everything.
My mother & I "took the side" of my SIL for the sake of the children involved and because my brother was so totally in the wrong. It split our family so be warned. I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat as it was the right thing to do, but chances of you making nice with your sister after it's all over are slim.
Get him help & support from a domestic abuse group. If the first won't help him because he's a man keep looking there are groups out there that will help. Get him to contact a Family Lawyer. Not necessarily for a divorce but to make sure everything is done legally. Follow the advice of the lawyer.
Remember evidence is key here. He saids she saids will be ignored by every cop & judge. It is all about what you can prove happened.
posted by wwax at 8:47 AM on October 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
He needs to start documenting every single incident, with photos of injuries if possible, outside witnesses etc. Abuse cases are notoriously hard to prove my SIL has been trying to prove it against my brother for several years, we know he abused her we've seen it happening but family do not get taken seriously as witnesses and it comes down to our word against his. This is in a more "traditional" man abusing women scenario, I cant' even imagine how many thousands of times more difficult it would be to for a man to get believed. Document everything.
My mother & I "took the side" of my SIL for the sake of the children involved and because my brother was so totally in the wrong. It split our family so be warned. I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat as it was the right thing to do, but chances of you making nice with your sister after it's all over are slim.
Get him help & support from a domestic abuse group. If the first won't help him because he's a man keep looking there are groups out there that will help. Get him to contact a Family Lawyer. Not necessarily for a divorce but to make sure everything is done legally. Follow the advice of the lawyer.
Remember evidence is key here. He saids she saids will be ignored by every cop & judge. It is all about what you can prove happened.
posted by wwax at 8:47 AM on October 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
Ugh, been there, done that.
As a man who experienced very similar abuse from his wife, I will say that my greatest fear was that if I took any legal steps to stop her or end the marriage, I would wind up in jail and she would get custody of the kids. In my case, no one saw what she was doing, and she had convinced her family that I was the one abusing her. Your brother-in-law is very, very fortunate that you understand what is actually happening, and that could make all the difference. I am really glad that you want to help.
Your sister does need help, but that is, at best, the third thing on the priority list. #1 is that the kids need to be safe and need to have a stable home environment. #2 is that your brother-in-law needs to be safe. At the level things are at now, getting him somewhere else with the kids cannot happen soon enough. Absolutely encourage him to talk to domestic abuse counselors, and go step by step through leaving.
Sometimes people don't want to leave because they still hope they can save the marriage. If that is true in his case, I would just tell him what a counselor told me once: staying like this is definitely going to end your marriage in the long term. If you want to save it, you have to do something to change the dynamic. Moving out will accomplish that. More importantly, it keeps the kids safe.
If, after he and the kids are out and safe, your sister realizes how much she has hurt her marriage and her family and wants to do something put her life back together, then you'll have lots of time to work on help for her, and she'll likely be much more willing to take it seriously.
posted by cute little Billy Henderson, age 4 at 8:48 AM on October 13, 2014 [34 favorites]
As a man who experienced very similar abuse from his wife, I will say that my greatest fear was that if I took any legal steps to stop her or end the marriage, I would wind up in jail and she would get custody of the kids. In my case, no one saw what she was doing, and she had convinced her family that I was the one abusing her. Your brother-in-law is very, very fortunate that you understand what is actually happening, and that could make all the difference. I am really glad that you want to help.
Your sister does need help, but that is, at best, the third thing on the priority list. #1 is that the kids need to be safe and need to have a stable home environment. #2 is that your brother-in-law needs to be safe. At the level things are at now, getting him somewhere else with the kids cannot happen soon enough. Absolutely encourage him to talk to domestic abuse counselors, and go step by step through leaving.
Sometimes people don't want to leave because they still hope they can save the marriage. If that is true in his case, I would just tell him what a counselor told me once: staying like this is definitely going to end your marriage in the long term. If you want to save it, you have to do something to change the dynamic. Moving out will accomplish that. More importantly, it keeps the kids safe.
If, after he and the kids are out and safe, your sister realizes how much she has hurt her marriage and her family and wants to do something put her life back together, then you'll have lots of time to work on help for her, and she'll likely be much more willing to take it seriously.
posted by cute little Billy Henderson, age 4 at 8:48 AM on October 13, 2014 [34 favorites]
Just because she hasn't actually hit the kids (as far as you know) doesn't mean the abuse is any less serious. In a way, it can be worse because people minimize it. You need to get them out of there, full stop. Can they stay with you? Grandma? I'd do anything within your power to give those kids a safe environment, including calling CPS. They will not be immediately shuttled off to foster care with strangers - they will be placed with a relative whenever possible.
If your brother in law is unwilling to leave at this point, I'd start marshaling resources so that when he is ready, he can. Is he financially able to live on his own and support kids? I'd work on that first. I'd also call the domestic violence center. They will know who can provide free/low cost legal help that will assist in filing restraining orders. The actual physical shelters are often restricted to women & children, but they will help men with other resources.
Save money for a lawyer, he's going to need it. Even uncomplicated, friendly divorces are expensive.
Best wishes to your BIL and the kids.
posted by desjardins at 8:50 AM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
If your brother in law is unwilling to leave at this point, I'd start marshaling resources so that when he is ready, he can. Is he financially able to live on his own and support kids? I'd work on that first. I'd also call the domestic violence center. They will know who can provide free/low cost legal help that will assist in filing restraining orders. The actual physical shelters are often restricted to women & children, but they will help men with other resources.
Save money for a lawyer, he's going to need it. Even uncomplicated, friendly divorces are expensive.
Best wishes to your BIL and the kids.
posted by desjardins at 8:50 AM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
He needs to get a lawyer, today. You help him do that. It sounds like your mother is in agreement that your sister is the issue, so that will make it easier for all of you to rally.
Then he needs to learn how to use a recording device.
It doesn't really matter what's up with her. That is not the most important issue. The most important issue is making those children safe with stable people around them. Your sister, just right for the moment, can go suck eggs, she should get no more regard than she deserves. Unless you think you can get her committed based on her behavior, don't worry about her until you have the legal necessities underway.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:51 AM on October 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Then he needs to learn how to use a recording device.
It doesn't really matter what's up with her. That is not the most important issue. The most important issue is making those children safe with stable people around them. Your sister, just right for the moment, can go suck eggs, she should get no more regard than she deserves. Unless you think you can get her committed based on her behavior, don't worry about her until you have the legal necessities underway.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:51 AM on October 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Is this a new behavior on her part or has she always been this way? If it's relatively new, I'm thinking a hormonal imbalance, mental illness, or substance abuse. All three require medical intervention; perhaps you can approach your sister from the angle of being worried about her health and get her to a doctor?
Agree that husband still needs to get out of there and secure legal sole custody etc. -- even if sister gets better after treatment, neither the kids nor husband should continue to be subjected to her abuse in the interim.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:06 AM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Agree that husband still needs to get out of there and secure legal sole custody etc. -- even if sister gets better after treatment, neither the kids nor husband should continue to be subjected to her abuse in the interim.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:06 AM on October 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
You could have an intervention regarding the behavior.
Of all people Dr. Phil has a pretty straight-forward method for this.
Offer your BIL and the kids a place to be while she gets her shit together. This is something she needs to do on her own. Line up treatment options for your sister. Insist that she go to one or all of them. Be prepared to cut off contact until she's ready to get into treatment.
On my list would be:
1. Doctor for full physical work up. (To rule out substance abuse, health problems etc.)
2. Anger Management courses.
3. Therapy, both individual and family.
This is hard, but you're working towards a resoultion.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:18 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Of all people Dr. Phil has a pretty straight-forward method for this.
Offer your BIL and the kids a place to be while she gets her shit together. This is something she needs to do on her own. Line up treatment options for your sister. Insist that she go to one or all of them. Be prepared to cut off contact until she's ready to get into treatment.
On my list would be:
1. Doctor for full physical work up. (To rule out substance abuse, health problems etc.)
2. Anger Management courses.
3. Therapy, both individual and family.
This is hard, but you're working towards a resoultion.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:18 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
What has his counselor been suggesting, if anything? My gosh, if the genders were reversed and a woman in counseling reported that her husband pulled a knife on her I would hope the counselor would be a useful resource and help connect their client to local DV resources, push them to contact a lawyer to discuss legal issues, etc.
That's not how therapy works.
And OP, please hold on to the idea that your job is to provide resources and support, not to tell your brother-in-law what to do. He's an adult, he gets to make his own decisions. Abuse victims are generally told over and over again by their partners that they're too worthless and stupid to make their own decisions; well-meaning people jumping in and telling victims what to do are reinforcing that same power dynamic.
Give him resources. Research lawyers, DV hotlines, family justice law centers. Give him the information, and then step back and let him decide what he wants to do with it. Help him only in the ways he's asking for help. If he decides to stay with her, that's normal -- most abuse victims who leave try to leave about eight times before they finally do leave.
None of the above applies to the kids, however. They do not have the resources to be able to say, "I don't want to be abused, I need to get out of here." They need help, they need support, and I suspect that getting them the help and support they need is likely to end up involving CPS.
posted by jaguar at 9:40 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
That's not how therapy works.
And OP, please hold on to the idea that your job is to provide resources and support, not to tell your brother-in-law what to do. He's an adult, he gets to make his own decisions. Abuse victims are generally told over and over again by their partners that they're too worthless and stupid to make their own decisions; well-meaning people jumping in and telling victims what to do are reinforcing that same power dynamic.
Give him resources. Research lawyers, DV hotlines, family justice law centers. Give him the information, and then step back and let him decide what he wants to do with it. Help him only in the ways he's asking for help. If he decides to stay with her, that's normal -- most abuse victims who leave try to leave about eight times before they finally do leave.
None of the above applies to the kids, however. They do not have the resources to be able to say, "I don't want to be abused, I need to get out of here." They need help, they need support, and I suspect that getting them the help and support they need is likely to end up involving CPS.
posted by jaguar at 9:40 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
This PDF on How To Help a Loved One may be helpful. (It's local to Wisconsin but also has national numbers.)
posted by jaguar at 9:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 9:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Here is an article from WebMD on Help for Battered Men.
Resources they include in the article:
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous.
Tips from the article:
Resources they include in the article:
Tips from the article:
posted by I am the Walrus at 9:44 AM on October 13, 2014 [13 favorites]"Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."
"Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."
"Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."
Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.
Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.
He needs to see a divorce lawyer and to find out how likely it is in his jurisdiction that he can file for divorce and get the kids. Absolutely everything else flows from that.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:56 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:56 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I am sorry that I don't have any specific advice but HOLY HELL this is abuse. I know you are trying to protect your sister but you need to help your BIL protect her children. Notice that usually when someone posts an AskMe about potentially intervening in a friend or family's situation everyone says to back off. Here everyone is telling you to intervene, even if only to provide support and resources for your BIL.
posted by radioamy at 9:58 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by radioamy at 9:58 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Short answer: yes, you have at least a moral duty to step in
Longer answer: What I call this situation is that your BIL is being subjected to criminal domestic violence, and I am frankly astonished at the multiple replies focusing on the abuser's well-being. I know you love your sister and her violent behavior needs to be dealt with, but that is not the immediate concern. Your BIL needs to leave with the children now. One tragedy is that there is probably no domestic violence shelter in your area that will accept a man, let alone one with children in tow. Can you or your mother provide some immediate living arrangements?
He definitely needs legal assistance as well. Your state might also have an expedited procedure for obtaining a domestic violence injunction. The local Legal Aid Society could assist in this regard. They could also give advise regarding divorce issues. It is hard for me to imagine how the marriage is not irretrievably broken at this point.
I am sure that he feels scared that he will not be believed and could risk losing his children, as Bill Henderson had feared. Imagine what you would do if your BIL were abusing your sister. Then, do those things for your BIL and your nieces/nephews. I think you are very good to recognize this dire situation and will do whatever you can to help and support them.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:22 AM on October 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
Longer answer: What I call this situation is that your BIL is being subjected to criminal domestic violence, and I am frankly astonished at the multiple replies focusing on the abuser's well-being. I know you love your sister and her violent behavior needs to be dealt with, but that is not the immediate concern. Your BIL needs to leave with the children now. One tragedy is that there is probably no domestic violence shelter in your area that will accept a man, let alone one with children in tow. Can you or your mother provide some immediate living arrangements?
He definitely needs legal assistance as well. Your state might also have an expedited procedure for obtaining a domestic violence injunction. The local Legal Aid Society could assist in this regard. They could also give advise regarding divorce issues. It is hard for me to imagine how the marriage is not irretrievably broken at this point.
I am sure that he feels scared that he will not be believed and could risk losing his children, as Bill Henderson had feared. Imagine what you would do if your BIL were abusing your sister. Then, do those things for your BIL and your nieces/nephews. I think you are very good to recognize this dire situation and will do whatever you can to help and support them.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:22 AM on October 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
Your sister is having a mental health crisis.
Likely, she needs in-patient care, at least in the short term.
Yep, your family needs a caring family lawyer to help you navigate this. Your brother-in-law needs a lawyer to protect him and the children.
Ideally, your sister should not live with him and the children for a while.
I'm betting your sister feels victimized and terrified, which is causing her extreme anger, emotional violence, defensiveness, aggression.
You need mental health professionals and lawyers to intercede.
Source: My mom has BPD and actually tried to kill me when I was 19 years old. I haven't spoken to her in over 20 years now. Actually, my entire family is estranged these days.
My mom needed to be institutionalized, she needed serious help. I beg you to intervene and get help for your sister. That, or your BIL needs a divorce and custody of his children.
Your story sounds so much like my mom. Get your sister help before this gets worse. Trust me. It doesn't end well or magically cure itself.
posted by jbenben at 10:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Likely, she needs in-patient care, at least in the short term.
Yep, your family needs a caring family lawyer to help you navigate this. Your brother-in-law needs a lawyer to protect him and the children.
Ideally, your sister should not live with him and the children for a while.
I'm betting your sister feels victimized and terrified, which is causing her extreme anger, emotional violence, defensiveness, aggression.
You need mental health professionals and lawyers to intercede.
Source: My mom has BPD and actually tried to kill me when I was 19 years old. I haven't spoken to her in over 20 years now. Actually, my entire family is estranged these days.
My mom needed to be institutionalized, she needed serious help. I beg you to intervene and get help for your sister. That, or your BIL needs a divorce and custody of his children.
Your story sounds so much like my mom. Get your sister help before this gets worse. Trust me. It doesn't end well or magically cure itself.
posted by jbenben at 10:43 AM on October 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Another thought: If your mother regularly takes the kids, and your brother-in-law is willing, could she take them for a longer period of time (a week or two) while he sorts through what he wants to do? Trying to protect both himself and the children from her is a lot to be handling.
posted by jaguar at 10:56 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 10:56 AM on October 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Family law attorney. Stat. Your brother-in-law needs to be taking a number of appropriate steps. For one thing, he needs to document and address what's going on. He needs to be able to do this without accidentally getting himself into hot water.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:46 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:46 AM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
For what it is worth, the children witnessing abuse is definitely considered abuse by child protective services. He needs to do something. If he calls an abuse hotline they can give him suggestions and by all means he needs to consult with a lawyer, stat.
God bless you and your family for being willing to be of assistance.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:28 PM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
God bless you and your family for being willing to be of assistance.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:28 PM on October 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I agree with the comments above, this is absolutely abuse and he and the kids need to be removed from the situation, at least temporarily, while your sister gets her head straight. A lawyer is of the utmost importance here, because if the kids are put back in the care of the mother alone, it could turn very ugly. Please be prepared for you and your mother to be called as witnesses.
If possible, try to document the abuse in video/audio form (though it could be a legal problem in his area, so this is something to ask the lawyer about). I would suggest to him to record, via his cell phone or otherwise, episodes where she is "going off the deep end". There are tons of apps out there that can suit this purpose. It's better to have them and not need them than the other way around.
posted by dozo at 7:35 AM on October 14, 2014
If possible, try to document the abuse in video/audio form (though it could be a legal problem in his area, so this is something to ask the lawyer about). I would suggest to him to record, via his cell phone or otherwise, episodes where she is "going off the deep end". There are tons of apps out there that can suit this purpose. It's better to have them and not need them than the other way around.
posted by dozo at 7:35 AM on October 14, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
You may both love your sister, but she is not fit to be raising children and her husband needs to start figuring out how to get out of there.
posted by chaiminda at 8:08 AM on October 13, 2014 [60 favorites]