Is he interested in dating me after he gets over his ex?
September 17, 2014 2:04 PM Subscribe
This is a pretty specific case, but I'm hopeless when it comes to relationships. Plus I got such great responses on other questions, I thought you all might have some good feedback for me. Thanks ahead of time!!
His situation: He was in love with his ex, but she cheated on him. He tried to forgive her for a long time but couldn't, and ended up breaking up with her. Says he just wants to find someone he can settle down with but knows that could never happen with someone who cheated on him, so he's having a tough time getting over her. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now because it wouldn't be fair to the other person. He's also not looking for hook-ups.
Our situation: When we met, I said I wasn't looking for a relationship (recent break-up too). Then we got really close and I found out what happened (becoming a shoulder to cry on). We enjoy spending time together and have lots of fun, just click really well, ended up in a bit of a friends w/ benefits thing for a short while, but mostly just hang out, talk, and probably cuddle. He says he likes me and has called me beautiful (neither in context of sleeping together). A couple of times, I've suggested that trying to meet someone new(not me) might help with the breakup, but he says it's not what he needs right now.
My situation: Since we met, I've started to like him and realized I would be open to a relationship after all. I'm sure he knows I like him. He also knows that I'm open to dating now because he knows I've gone on a couple dates with a different guy (since this guy I'm interested in is not available). I'm not sure I'm really his "type" though. Most noticeably, his ex is beautiful according to everyone's standards, and I'm not conventionally attractive. He also recently moved to another city, so we aren't able to see each other as much anymore.
My question: Does he seem interested enough in me to date me when he finally gets over his ex? Or does it sound more like I was just conveniently there at the right time for him? Is there something else I should be watching for that might show he's interested in more than a fwb or sounding board?
What's the best way to approach this if I'm interested in him? Should I ask him out when he's open to dating again or just wait to see what happens? Is it a good idea to try to keep up our friendship (and therefore, my crush on him) while he works on getting over his ex, or should I move on for now and approach him again later? Any other advice or insight? Thanks!
His situation: He was in love with his ex, but she cheated on him. He tried to forgive her for a long time but couldn't, and ended up breaking up with her. Says he just wants to find someone he can settle down with but knows that could never happen with someone who cheated on him, so he's having a tough time getting over her. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now because it wouldn't be fair to the other person. He's also not looking for hook-ups.
Our situation: When we met, I said I wasn't looking for a relationship (recent break-up too). Then we got really close and I found out what happened (becoming a shoulder to cry on). We enjoy spending time together and have lots of fun, just click really well, ended up in a bit of a friends w/ benefits thing for a short while, but mostly just hang out, talk, and probably cuddle. He says he likes me and has called me beautiful (neither in context of sleeping together). A couple of times, I've suggested that trying to meet someone new(not me) might help with the breakup, but he says it's not what he needs right now.
My situation: Since we met, I've started to like him and realized I would be open to a relationship after all. I'm sure he knows I like him. He also knows that I'm open to dating now because he knows I've gone on a couple dates with a different guy (since this guy I'm interested in is not available). I'm not sure I'm really his "type" though. Most noticeably, his ex is beautiful according to everyone's standards, and I'm not conventionally attractive. He also recently moved to another city, so we aren't able to see each other as much anymore.
My question: Does he seem interested enough in me to date me when he finally gets over his ex? Or does it sound more like I was just conveniently there at the right time for him? Is there something else I should be watching for that might show he's interested in more than a fwb or sounding board?
What's the best way to approach this if I'm interested in him? Should I ask him out when he's open to dating again or just wait to see what happens? Is it a good idea to try to keep up our friendship (and therefore, my crush on him) while he works on getting over his ex, or should I move on for now and approach him again later? Any other advice or insight? Thanks!
He does not sound interested in you from what you describe. I would let it go.
posted by corb at 2:07 PM on September 17, 2014
posted by corb at 2:07 PM on September 17, 2014
My question: Does he seem interested enough in me to date me when he finally gets over his ex? Or does it sound more like I was just conveniently there at the right time for him? Is there something else I should be watching for that might show he's interested in more than a fwb or sounding board?
The only way to know for sure is to ask him how he feels about dating you when he is over his ex. There's no way to know right now, because it's almost as if he's a different person right now.
Breakups are weird and they do weird things to people. People who are in the middle of getting over a breakup are kind of not like their usual selves. Best to just treat this as just an intermediate state for him, and don't assume anything about anything long-term until he's more like his own self again.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only way to know for sure is to ask him how he feels about dating you when he is over his ex. There's no way to know right now, because it's almost as if he's a different person right now.
Breakups are weird and they do weird things to people. People who are in the middle of getting over a breakup are kind of not like their usual selves. Best to just treat this as just an intermediate state for him, and don't assume anything about anything long-term until he's more like his own self again.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on September 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is hard. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you want to be with him and he doesn't want a relationship with you. Let him go and find a guy who can give you what you need.
Or if you don't know where he stands, ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend and you'll have your answer. He knows better than we do.
posted by mermily at 2:12 PM on September 17, 2014
Or if you don't know where he stands, ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend and you'll have your answer. He knows better than we do.
posted by mermily at 2:12 PM on September 17, 2014
He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now
Is the answer to your question. Move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:15 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Is the answer to your question. Move on.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:15 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Why on earth would you wait for someone who doesn't want you now, didn't want you then, and may only possibly want you when he gets over his ex?
You are worth so much more than that. Don't sell yourself so short.
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:19 PM on September 17, 2014 [15 favorites]
You are worth so much more than that. Don't sell yourself so short.
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:19 PM on September 17, 2014 [15 favorites]
He is not inerested in you now. Based on your question, I do not think he would ever see you in that way.
Also - no way this can be a fwb situation because you want to be more than friends.
Any chance you are still getting over your own breakup and wasting time on the unavailable man rather than more dating? Just a thought.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:22 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also - no way this can be a fwb situation because you want to be more than friends.
Any chance you are still getting over your own breakup and wasting time on the unavailable man rather than more dating? Just a thought.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:22 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your best bet is to let him go.
Since he did have a fwb arrangement with you, the odds are poor that you are a good long term bet for a serious relationship. He wants time to get over her. When he is over her, he will basically be a different person than the person you know currently. At that point, you and he probably can't make a relationship work.
Most of the time, when a relationship first ends, the first person they are attracted to fills some need the ex did not. That's all it likely was. That not only does not mean you are a good fit for a real relationship, it practically guarantees that you aren't a good fit for a real relationship. You were just some missing piece he needed to fill in. He did that. Now, he's moving on. You should too.
posted by Michele in California at 2:22 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Since he did have a fwb arrangement with you, the odds are poor that you are a good long term bet for a serious relationship. He wants time to get over her. When he is over her, he will basically be a different person than the person you know currently. At that point, you and he probably can't make a relationship work.
Most of the time, when a relationship first ends, the first person they are attracted to fills some need the ex did not. That's all it likely was. That not only does not mean you are a good fit for a real relationship, it practically guarantees that you aren't a good fit for a real relationship. You were just some missing piece he needed to fill in. He did that. Now, he's moving on. You should too.
posted by Michele in California at 2:22 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Absolutely move on. He does not seem interested enough.
Some advice for the future: Don't act as therapist or sounding board for a guy (that you're interested in) that is not over an ex-girlfriend. When people behave this way, they're pretty much telling you point blank they're not interested. If he were interested, the focus would be on you and you alone.
He's moving to another city and wasn't interested in the first place -- let it go.
posted by Fairchild at 2:25 PM on September 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
Some advice for the future: Don't act as therapist or sounding board for a guy (that you're interested in) that is not over an ex-girlfriend. When people behave this way, they're pretty much telling you point blank they're not interested. If he were interested, the focus would be on you and you alone.
He's moving to another city and wasn't interested in the first place -- let it go.
posted by Fairchild at 2:25 PM on September 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
No. So sorry!!
Please don't wait around for him to "get over his ex."
That's.... Not how these things work.
It sounds like emotionally you guys were there for each other through a tough time, and now it is time to move on. Both of you.
Hon, he moved out of town as well? Please let this go. Entirely.
You need to get over your crush, now. Get started!!
posted by jbenben at 2:25 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Please don't wait around for him to "get over his ex."
That's.... Not how these things work.
It sounds like emotionally you guys were there for each other through a tough time, and now it is time to move on. Both of you.
Hon, he moved out of town as well? Please let this go. Entirely.
You need to get over your crush, now. Get started!!
posted by jbenben at 2:25 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Move on. Don't dump him as a friend, but let things fade now that he's in a different city. Focus on other parts of your life. Go on dates with other people.
Most noticeably, his ex is beautiful according to everyone's standards, and I'm not conventionally attractive.
This isn't about how you look. He thinks you are beautiful. This is about him not being in a place to even consider the possibility of another relationship.
posted by Area Man at 2:30 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Most noticeably, his ex is beautiful according to everyone's standards, and I'm not conventionally attractive.
This isn't about how you look. He thinks you are beautiful. This is about him not being in a place to even consider the possibility of another relationship.
posted by Area Man at 2:30 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh dear. No. A guy who is interested in you does not move away, especially without having a conversation about a possible future.
He was 100% certain that he's not over his ex. So put him behind you, since he's not around it'll be easy to fall out of communication. If he does call, keep it short and perfunctory. Do NOT be his shoulder to cry on.
I know this isn't always a popular opinion, but friendships that turn to FWB almost always include one person who really doesn't want to be in a relationship, and someone who's hoping that after sex happens that the other person will change his/her mind.
This man is still VERY MUCH not wanting to be in a relationship, and even if he did want to be in a relationship, chances are slim that he'd want one with you. I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm saying it because people who want to be with other people make it happen. The man moved away, so it's a safe bet that he did so because he had very little to keep him in your city.
You will find the exact right person for you and when you do, you'll be AMAZED at how easy it is!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:41 PM on September 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
He was 100% certain that he's not over his ex. So put him behind you, since he's not around it'll be easy to fall out of communication. If he does call, keep it short and perfunctory. Do NOT be his shoulder to cry on.
I know this isn't always a popular opinion, but friendships that turn to FWB almost always include one person who really doesn't want to be in a relationship, and someone who's hoping that after sex happens that the other person will change his/her mind.
This man is still VERY MUCH not wanting to be in a relationship, and even if he did want to be in a relationship, chances are slim that he'd want one with you. I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm saying it because people who want to be with other people make it happen. The man moved away, so it's a safe bet that he did so because he had very little to keep him in your city.
You will find the exact right person for you and when you do, you'll be AMAZED at how easy it is!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:41 PM on September 17, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice everyone!! I think I probably just needed to hear all of this from someone other than me ;)
A note about his move though: He didn't move very far away; we just can't see each other every day anymore. And it's the city I'll likely end up in as well not too far in the future.
posted by lfergie401 at 2:51 PM on September 17, 2014
A note about his move though: He didn't move very far away; we just can't see each other every day anymore. And it's the city I'll likely end up in as well not too far in the future.
posted by lfergie401 at 2:51 PM on September 17, 2014
A note about his move though: He didn't move very far away; we just can't see each other every day anymore. And it's the city I'll likely end up in as well not too far in the future.
Do your best to really let it go for now. IF and WHEN things change such that it might be more realistic, it is okay to take a que sera, sera attitude. By that I mean if it just so happens to happen, you aren't obligated to fight it. But don't go looking for it.
Take care.
posted by Michele in California at 3:00 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Do your best to really let it go for now. IF and WHEN things change such that it might be more realistic, it is okay to take a que sera, sera attitude. By that I mean if it just so happens to happen, you aren't obligated to fight it. But don't go looking for it.
Take care.
posted by Michele in California at 3:00 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
He's probably never going to be interested in dating you, but he'll totally be interested in FWB for as long as he can milk it. Oh, and that probably has nothing to do with his ex cheating on him.
Throw this fishie back.
posted by mibo at 6:36 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Throw this fishie back.
posted by mibo at 6:36 PM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
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Listen to him. Plus, he moved? Just let him go.
posted by punchtothehead at 2:06 PM on September 17, 2014 [7 favorites]