Should I ask out a librarian?

June 10, 2012 6:21 PM

There's a girl who works in my university library who I find really attractive. We sometimes catch eyes and smile, although I find myself looking her way quite a lot, so that might not mean anything. The other day she commented on a book I was getting out and recommended me another that she thought I might enjoy. Most days, though, I just walk straight past her to get a desk. She'd recognise my face, but does not know anything about me (apart from what I am reading, sometimes). I know nothing about her apart from what she reads (stuff I also know a bit about). How would you proceed? I've never 'asked out' somebody before. But would it just come across as creepy? Should I ask her out? Or just talk to her more? I feel paralysed! What would be the thing to do, hive-mind?
posted by aaronjames to Human Relations (31 answers total)

Talk to her, be flirty. Ask her out if it goes well. Don't overthink this.
posted by wrok at 6:23 PM on June 10, 2012

Ask her name before you ask her out. Make small talk. Find an excuse to make contact: "Oh, here's that link that I thought you might find interesting..."
posted by supercres at 6:24 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would try striking up a conversation once or twice first, possibly about the book she recommended to you (!). If you actually check it out and read it, that's a great way to show personal interest.

I wouldn't ask her out cold, just because as a woman, it's pretty frustrated getting hit on on the job. It really depends on her personality, which unfortunately you don't know much about yet. She seems to be nice and possibly interested in you, though. Good luck!
posted by stoneandstar at 6:25 PM on June 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

"Hey, I was wondering if you'd care to grab a coffee with me sometime?"

It's okay to feel nervous. Turn that awkward smile in her direction, and she'll probably take you up on it. Good luck!
posted by DisreputableDog at 6:26 PM on June 10, 2012

I work in a university library! Talk to her more, for sure. Ask her about what she's reading, make friendly conversation about what you've checked out/what she recommends. Ask her a little bit about herself (what she's studying, where she's from, etc.) If she seems friendly after more conversation, ask her if she wants to have coffee and go from there.
posted by jeudi at 6:26 PM on June 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

"Hi, thanks for recommending that book you did, I really liked it. By the way, my name is aaronjames." If the conversation goes beyond that, then ask her out for coffee, maybe in the next conversation.
posted by xingcat at 6:26 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

What I mean by that is sort of that if I meet a guy and he makes an effort to chat with me a few times and then asks me out, I feel much more inclined to go out with him, because he's clearly not just trawling for dates. She might really want you to ask her out though, but either way it can't hurt to take your time a little bit. (I'm not a big fan of playing games of course, but if she starts to look forward to seeing you at work and your conversations are flirty and nice and she's thinking "ask me out! ask me out!," willing you with her mind, that's a little more exciting than "hey, this guy I really don't know asked me out today.")
posted by stoneandstar at 6:32 PM on June 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

What I mean by that is sort of that if I meet a guy and he makes an effort to chat with me a few times and then asks me out, I feel much more inclined to go out with him, because he's clearly not just trawling for dates.

Yes. Chat with her on a few occasions, then ask her on a low-pressure date, like meeting for coffee after her shift ends. That will increase your chances of success, in my opinion as a former worker in a university library myself.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:36 PM on June 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

agreed. Introduce yourself, make pleasant conversation a few times- then just go for it.
posted by windykites at 6:36 PM on June 10, 2012

Haha, I should mention that I also work in a university library! Trust me, our advice is solid gold.
posted by stoneandstar at 6:40 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is a tough call. It sounds like you two are developing a rapport, and maybe she is also interested in you.

As someone who has been asked out at work before, I'm usually not in favor of asking people out at work. This is because, if the enthusiasm or interest is not reciprocated by the askee in this situation, or even if she is just otherwise committed etc., it can put her in an awkward position at her place of employment. I can tell you that it can be uncomfortable depending on the circumstances (potential relevant note: this uncomfortable circumstance happened to me while working at a library desk). It can be hard to get hit on when you're trying to do your job.

I think it would be awesome of you to continue to get to know her during your interactions, and get a feeling for what the interest level is before (as some have suggested) making a low-pressure invitation to do something sometime. It's good to be clear about your intentions to Go On A Date, but someone's workplace might not be the right venue for initial romantic declarations, you know?

Good luck! I hope this works out!
posted by anonnymoose at 6:41 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yep, I've been the girl who works at a university library (thought not a librarian. Is she a librarian?) and I agree with everyone else.

Suggestions for avoiding at-work awkwardness: try not to ask her when there might be coworkers listening. Also, if there's a cafe in the library, you could also make it really low key and ask her if she wants to take a look at that book you mentioned (or whatever) on her break.
posted by that's how you get ants at 6:46 PM on June 10, 2012

Not to say this girl isn't into you, but, at most libraries, smiling at people and recommending books to them is part of the job.
posted by box at 6:48 PM on June 10, 2012 [16 favorites]

P.S. I should also say that patrons asking employees out has been pretty frowned upon at past places where I've worked. I know others may disagree with me here, but I figured I should probably say something. I'm sorry to be the wet blanket--sincerely.
posted by anonnymoose at 6:49 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

A mate of mine in college one used a move roundly considered brilliant. They were past the smiling phase, into polite chatter. He always kept it light and often goofy, asking for the Dr. Seuss section or, during finals, where she kept the books on stress-relief. She seemed to get a fair bit of attention (as the combination of sultry and bookish can irresistible) thus played it very cool. We walked out once after hours of deepest maths. "Going to the lair, can I bring you a coffee?" "Drinks not allowed back here." Brilliant ambiguity; she did not state whether she wanted a coffee or not.

He was a bit frustrated really, for she never appeared anywhere else on campus, thus the library whilst she was working was really it. Finally, he took out one of the classics – an old tattered fellow. When he returned it, he handed it directly to her. It had a post-it note on it with his phone number. Well, with his name and (xxx) xxx-xxx, most of his phone number. "Hey, you left something. Oh. You missed a digit..." And that was that.

University librarians are smart women surrounded by every plot line in history and lots of options in terms of suitors. Thus, play it cool and smart. Since it's a workplace for her, be ambiguous and be a bit clever – flirt without flirting. Use the common objects – books – at your disposable. In terms of asking her out, don't think too much about the result. Make her laugh without being an ass and you should be fine.
posted by nickrussell at 7:01 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I work in a university library. Smiling, being friendly, making a little chitchat with regulars is all part of the job there. Nothing she's done sounds like anything else to me. It is not uncommon for library users to mistake work behavior for personal interest. (And the same goes for waitstaff, baristas, and other jobs.) I would suggest trying to talk to her a little more. If the conversation turns to non-library topics regularly, she may be interested. If it stays on books/school/studies, she's probably not.

If you do decide to ask her out, seconding everything said above about not doing in within earshot of her coworkers. Really, if it's possible, don't ask her out while she's on the clock at all.
posted by donnagirl at 7:01 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

It is, in general, not cool to ask someone out while they're at work where they are required to be accommodating to patrons. At the least, make it very easy for her to say "no". Maybe something like: "Hey, do you like [local coffee spot]? I'd never ask someone out where they worked, and you're probably not allowed to ask the patrons out, but I'm going to be there [after library hours], maybe I'll see you!" and you can vary that last "!" into a "?" based on her visible interest or dismay.
posted by nicwolff at 7:03 PM on June 10, 2012 [8 favorites]

Is she actually a librarian? Or is she a student on work-study who's working in the library? Because if she's a student, this all gets much simpler, because you're not really asking out a librarian who works where you go to study, you're asking out another student at your university, which there are lots and lots of ways to do.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:54 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Yes, she's a student. A little older than me, but a student. Should have been clearer, sorry.
posted by aaronjames at 7:59 PM on June 10, 2012

I am a woman working in a library. Please don't ask her out. She is paid to be friendly; if she was not friendly you (as a patron) could complain and cause her to lose her job. Do you see the power imbalance? I smile at patrons and suggest books all the time, you have not described her doing anything extraordinary. At best, continue with small talk and light conversation (without monopolising her time!) and if she is interested she should be the one (with less power and more risk) to break the professional barrier. Even as a student, this is still her job and most likely she is relying on it for either money or professional experience and you have to respect that.
posted by saucysault at 8:38 PM on June 10, 2012 [8 favorites]

Chat her up some more and see if you can find out if she has a significant other, if she's into your gender, et cetera. If you continue to get encouraging vibes, ask her out to coffee/something social, but don't make it a date. Also, a good way to make it clear that if it makes her uncomfortable, you're good, is to say, "I don't know if it's violation of university policy, but I'd love to (hang out, grab a coffee, whatever)." This gives her an easy out, "I'd love to, but y'know my job," but also provides the opportunity for her to say yes. If she says no, don't be weird. Easier said than done, but, if she says no, a simple "I understand, no worries," should neutralize the situation. Also, if she says yes, approach it from the perspective of "friendship that may develop into something more." I know you're digging her action, but if you approach her from a less charged position, it will make it easier for both of you. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 9:30 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Chat, bring up the book she recommended, and so on. If you guys hit it off I see no reason to not just ask her out then and there (hey, do you want to get coffee sometime?). As for not asking people out at their places of work, it's entirely situation dependent, and in this case it sounds like it would be totally fine.
posted by tomtheblackbear at 9:35 PM on June 10, 2012

Smiling and being nice to people was part of my training in my customer-facing job. Has she done anything other than offer some pretty basic customer service, like actually flirted with you?

Think for a second about how this is going to go if she says no. Are you going to be able to face her? Is she going to be worried that she's going to have to face you? You're pretty much an unknown quantity to her, in the same what that she's pretty much an unknown quantity to you. She has no idea how you're going to behave if she turns you down.

You might want to check out some of the responses in this previous Ask about a similar situation.

Personally, I've seen my colleagues be creeped out by people asking them out while they're at work far more than I have seen them jump for joy.
posted by Solomon at 11:33 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

As a librarian, I do occasionally get asked out by patrons and I don't really mind. So far I've never said yes, but the ones I've considered are the ones where we've had some sort of interaction a few times, not just some creepy guy being all, 'so do you have a boyfriend?' (No, but I have a convenient fake husband)

I would agree with stoneandstar and annonnymoose--introduce yourself, try to strike up a bit of a conversation, and don't just blurt it out.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:37 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think I'm being more encouraging about this because you're both students. In a public library (where I work) I tend to be a lot more leery of people who come in and I probably wouldn't go out with them unless I really got to know them well over a long period of time.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:39 PM on June 10, 2012

As a gal who once worked in a bookstore, where I was paid to be friendly and recommend books to people:

I was, on occasion, asked out while I was on the job. There were a few times when it was a good thing, and these were (in retrospect) very easy to distinguish from the creepy baseline, because they shared two characteristics: (1) The customer and I found some sort of unique common ground (Clarke Ashton Smith, e.g.), and (2) We fell easily into banter, which lead to disclosures about our lives outside the store. One of these askers-out ended up clicking MASSIVELY with my best friend. The two are now married and remain among my very nearest and dearest to this day.

So, my advice: Talk to her in a low-key way, and get to know her a bit better. See if something beyond the standard pleasant clerk-patron interaction starts to develop. If it does, awesome! Ask her out for coffee! But if it doesn't, just let her be.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:53 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I am the library student's boss. Well, not the of the girl you're asking about, but her spiritual sisters who work at my academic library circulation desk. I have seen many approaches to asking out and flirting with the students who work for me. It's like The OC up ins here sometimes.

The point-blank ask out has never worked. In one case, had the guy given things a bit more time, he would have been able to secure coffee or something, but he jumped the gun and made things weird. Never, ever, say "I feel we have a deep personal connection" to someone you've only spoken with twice. Definitely chat more, get a name.

But! There is a challenge here and that challenge is me. I'm not paying my students to flirt, especially if there are other patrons waiting. I am, essentially, the dad that turns on the porchlight ruining your kiss. Use me to your advantage! Your goal should be to wake me from my cave and have me chase you away. Chat, but when her supervisor comes to speed things along, apologize profusely, say "I don't want to get you in trouble - want to finish this over coffee?" get her number and get out. You have now, in theory, left her wanting more and made the ask out seem more organic. It's summer now, so things might be a bit slow, so you'll need to be wary of lurking too long before I try to chase you away (otherwise, you look like someone with nothing better to do than lurk at circ desks).

Finally, be nice to everyone else who works behind that desk. Students gossip. If any other student overhears you setting up even a getting to know you date, they will instantly download all their opinions and knowledge about you and your past behavior to the girl.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:03 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

There must be thousands of college students who meet and date while one or both is working. That seems very typical for college life. I think some people are taking the idea that she's at work a bit too seriously. I doubt she'll be seriously offended that a fellow student dared to ask her out when she's behind the desk. It's probably just a way to earn some extra bucks (but this is something you can find out when you talk to her).

Get to know her better, but don't wait until the crush becomes so unbearable that you'd be devastated if she said no. Life is short. I personally really regret not asking out MORE people in college. Good luck!
posted by girlmightlive at 6:05 AM on June 11, 2012

At my university library, it was the norm for student workers to ignore patrons unless they asked a direct question and otherwise, they just talked among themselves. To me, this sounds like she has at least a casual interest in you. At this point, though, all you know is that she is pretty and likes books, and she knows that's all you know. Asking her out based on only that information would be a bit crude. Make real conversation with her several times to find out if you are actually interested in her. In college, being asked out on a 'date' was weird to me; I think it is better and more low stakes to invite her to an event that would be of mutual interest. Find out what authors, or artists, or music she likes and ask her to go to a reading or a gallery or a performance.
posted by lopsided at 6:08 AM on June 11, 2012

At my university library, it was the norm for student workers to ignore patrons unless they asked a direct question and otherwise, they just talked among themselves. To me, this sounds like she has at least a casual interest in you.

Yes. I was not trained to be friendly or to recommend books. I was polite, of course, but I had about as much interest in the people I checked out books to as the students who worked at the cafeteria had in me. I was there (1) for the $7.25 an hour (2) to talk to my coworkers and (3) to do homework. If I chit-chatted with a patron, it was because I liked them (usually as friends).
posted by that's how you get ants at 10:48 AM on June 11, 2012

I've a little bit of relevant experience here (dated 9 librarians [4 American, 4 British, 1 Korean, all qualified, mixture of public and academic libraries] with some dates turning into long-term relationships, over the last 21 years, and am now engaged to an American librarian). Though am a bit late to this query.

The golden rule in this situation is: Absolutely NEVER ask her out at work in front of her work colleagues. Unless you are Johnny Depp. This creates an awkward, and permanent, factor of 11 for her at work.

Second golden rule. Never send her stuff in the post to her workplace while you aren't dating that is prone to misinterpretation. Mix tapes, more-than-friendly letters, small gifts, anything. Much of the time, especially if she opens it in front of her colleagues, it's going to look creepy-stalker, even if your intentions are noble and honorable.

If you do think the moment is right to ask her out while you are both in her workplace, it's still fraught with risk because it's her workplace and a place you frequent.

You might be better continuing your current level of contact with her on social media if she wants to; even better if she does the friend request thing. That way, you can both converse outside of her work environment, and your chances of leveling up to date 1.0 are improved if one of you initiates it through that medium. If you have a business card, or some other detail with one of your social media addresses on it that you can give to her it would be cool. Connecting on Twitter is often good, as DMs are private and from there you can work around to gmail or skype for the video chat facilities, pre-dating or not.

One other thing; even though it's aimed at journalists, you may find some of the advice in this post by mod Jessamyn of use to avoid saying or writing things that may annoy your potential date.

I can't stress that first golden rule enough. Thankfully I've never done it. I have seen people do it though, and twice I've observed patrons ask out my girlfriend, while she's at work and I'm within earshot. This "asking out librarians" thing happens a lot with front line staff in public libraries (a heck of a lot), less so in academic libraries. It very rarely ends well; an ex said that she would "make an exception if Johnny Depp asked her out at the issue desk, otherwise..."
posted by Wordshore at 1:28 PM on October 6, 2012