How to explain the new family
February 13, 2012 3:48 AM Subscribe
How to explain my non-existent relationships to genetic relatives to new friends and acquired relatives?
This is sort of a followup to this question. I live in a different world to my genetic relatives and I have no relationship with them whatsoever (except a distant bond with my mother).
Now, as they are not deceased, I have a hard time answering the question "so what's your family like, what do your folks do or do you have brothers or sisters?"
That's the kind of question I can expect from encounters with prospective friends or partners. I understand that the motivation behind such questions is twofold, 1) to get to know me better by learning about the environment where I grew up and 2) evaluate indirectly how I am able to relate to relatives.
However I feel that my particular answer here is not going to help with either #1 or #2. The few people who know about my relatives will say it bears no knowledge about who I am, and about #2 well... my acquired relatives (close friends) can vouch for me, but that's something most people who don't have acquired relatives don't really understand.
So what should I do? My current answer to "what's your family like" is "I love my mother even if we're not close" and not saying anything at all about the rest. I still don't have any satisfactory answer to "sisters, brothers?"
MeFi, please hope me!
This is sort of a followup to this question. I live in a different world to my genetic relatives and I have no relationship with them whatsoever (except a distant bond with my mother).
Now, as they are not deceased, I have a hard time answering the question "so what's your family like, what do your folks do or do you have brothers or sisters?"
That's the kind of question I can expect from encounters with prospective friends or partners. I understand that the motivation behind such questions is twofold, 1) to get to know me better by learning about the environment where I grew up and 2) evaluate indirectly how I am able to relate to relatives.
However I feel that my particular answer here is not going to help with either #1 or #2. The few people who know about my relatives will say it bears no knowledge about who I am, and about #2 well... my acquired relatives (close friends) can vouch for me, but that's something most people who don't have acquired relatives don't really understand.
So what should I do? My current answer to "what's your family like" is "I love my mother even if we're not close" and not saying anything at all about the rest. I still don't have any satisfactory answer to "sisters, brothers?"
MeFi, please hope me!
I use 'oh, we don't talk much' and people get the hint.
posted by chiquitita at 4:00 AM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by chiquitita at 4:00 AM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I have never been asked about my family in that way or had to explain my relationship with them, but since this seems to be an issue for you, I would suggest something like dayintoday suggests above: "Oh, we're not that close" and change the subject. You are not obligated to provide details about your personal life to anybody. Ever. Be firm and change the subject as needed.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:03 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:03 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
"so what's your family like, what do your folks do or do you have brothers or sisters?"
Depending on who's asking, I answer the question without making it the subject of conversation. "I do have siblings but we're not really close these days, typical suburban kids, my friends and I used to love heading into DC for live music at the old 9:30 Club" (or fireworks just over the state line, or beer once Maryland raised the drinking age to 21, or Skins games at RFK, etc. That way the fact that I don't want to talk about my family isn't a conversation-stopper, and it's not like my siblings are a big secret.
People just want to paint the big picture of who you are and they're using the standard materials; it's an opportunity for you to give them the materials you think paint a more accurate picture.
posted by headnsouth at 4:05 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Depending on who's asking, I answer the question without making it the subject of conversation. "I do have siblings but we're not really close these days, typical suburban kids, my friends and I used to love heading into DC for live music at the old 9:30 Club" (or fireworks just over the state line, or beer once Maryland raised the drinking age to 21, or Skins games at RFK, etc. That way the fact that I don't want to talk about my family isn't a conversation-stopper, and it's not like my siblings are a big secret.
People just want to paint the big picture of who you are and they're using the standard materials; it's an opportunity for you to give them the materials you think paint a more accurate picture.
posted by headnsouth at 4:05 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
You're overthinking this. Unless you are interviewing for a job, people don't have such sophisticated specific goals in mind in normal conversation, even prospective partners. (OK, maybe the crazy ones do, or the ones in high concept romantic comedies.)
Awkward dates are "nodding and smiling and sibling listing" [Liz Lemon]. More often than not, this is just small talk, like the weather or sport. Unless you murdered your parents, or you're talking to a someone who is thinking of shortly asking you to spend the rest of your life with them, they don't really care about the specific answer. Say whatever you like, as long as it doesn't make you uncomfortable (e.g. talking about intense family stuff by the water cooler) or them uncomfortable (e.g. talking about intense family stuff by the water cooler).
posted by caek at 4:22 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Awkward dates are "nodding and smiling and sibling listing" [Liz Lemon]. More often than not, this is just small talk, like the weather or sport. Unless you murdered your parents, or you're talking to a someone who is thinking of shortly asking you to spend the rest of your life with them, they don't really care about the specific answer. Say whatever you like, as long as it doesn't make you uncomfortable (e.g. talking about intense family stuff by the water cooler) or them uncomfortable (e.g. talking about intense family stuff by the water cooler).
posted by caek at 4:22 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
I agree with others that you're not likely to encounter deep probing questions about your family. If directly asked about specific relatives, you can say something like "I have a sister in Podunk" plus something vaguely interesting about her, such as "she's into poodles," and then cheerfully bounce the question right back at them. There's no need to announce that you haven't talked to the poodle sister in 20 years.
For me the main challenge has been at holiday time, when people assume I'm "going home" but I'm not. Then I just say, "No, I've got a quiet holiday planned here with friends" or something like that.
posted by ceiba at 5:22 AM on February 13, 2012
For me the main challenge has been at holiday time, when people assume I'm "going home" but I'm not. Then I just say, "No, I've got a quiet holiday planned here with friends" or something like that.
posted by ceiba at 5:22 AM on February 13, 2012
I list my siblings, number, who's oldest, who has kids and where they've landed.
I vary the details and tone for perceived need to know/my willingness to share. So not everyone gets to ever know that one of my sisters hsed to smoke meth, or whose basement my brother is living in, because though I think about those things a lot, they are not what defines ME. As for my abusive drug addicted neglectful parents, all bets are off. Sometimes I just say I haven't spoken to them since __year__ or __age__, but sometimes not.
posted by bilabial at 5:53 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I vary the details and tone for perceived need to know/my willingness to share. So not everyone gets to ever know that one of my sisters hsed to smoke meth, or whose basement my brother is living in, because though I think about those things a lot, they are not what defines ME. As for my abusive drug addicted neglectful parents, all bets are off. Sometimes I just say I haven't spoken to them since __year__ or __age__, but sometimes not.
posted by bilabial at 5:53 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I started writing something that would have been TL;DR and realized while doing so, that it all depends on the person asking the questions. On preview, much like bilabial says.
It also helps to accept that there are some people who will judge others no matter what. Someone who thinks you're problematic because of a benign response such as "we're not close" is generally the type of person who thinks loads of people are problematic. In other words, don't give them any more space in your mind than needed – I mention it because that was hard for me, having been told the same thing ("fraula is our problem child", big booming going-to-hell ponderous tone to "problem child") by family right up until I finally stopped speaking with them. They're only projecting their own insecurities; nothing to do with you.
posted by fraula at 6:03 AM on February 13, 2012
It also helps to accept that there are some people who will judge others no matter what. Someone who thinks you're problematic because of a benign response such as "we're not close" is generally the type of person who thinks loads of people are problematic. In other words, don't give them any more space in your mind than needed – I mention it because that was hard for me, having been told the same thing ("fraula is our problem child", big booming going-to-hell ponderous tone to "problem child") by family right up until I finally stopped speaking with them. They're only projecting their own insecurities; nothing to do with you.
posted by fraula at 6:03 AM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: This is a factual question, to which you should supply a factual answer while understanding that nobody really cares, they are just making conversation.
"My parents live in Pittsburgh and I have a brother in New York and a sister in college at UMass, what about you?" is sufficient. Any detail beyond that takes casual conversation into the realm of special snowflake tedium. If pushed, "We're not close, you know how it is" is fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:07 AM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
"My parents live in Pittsburgh and I have a brother in New York and a sister in college at UMass, what about you?" is sufficient. Any detail beyond that takes casual conversation into the realm of special snowflake tedium. If pushed, "We're not close, you know how it is" is fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:07 AM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
I live in a different world to my genetic relatives and I have no relationship with them whatsoever
Do you really not know their names and what they do for a living or where they live? Which is all you are really being asked.
Echoing the replies above, the expected answer to questions on family are usually just confirming existence thereof and /or minor details on where they live or what they do. or even vague answers on the 'industry' they work in. My sister's change jobs quite often and I can never remember exactly what they are doing.
posted by mary8nne at 6:26 AM on February 13, 2012
Do you really not know their names and what they do for a living or where they live? Which is all you are really being asked.
Echoing the replies above, the expected answer to questions on family are usually just confirming existence thereof and /or minor details on where they live or what they do. or even vague answers on the 'industry' they work in. My sister's change jobs quite often and I can never remember exactly what they are doing.
posted by mary8nne at 6:26 AM on February 13, 2012
Nthing the "new friends are only making conversation" thing. The only reason they're asking you about brothers or sisters is because inside their head, they're thinking "ack I have to say something otherwise we're just going to be standing here silently like idiots oh my god what can i talk about -- wait, I can ask about siblings!" There've been times that all I've said is "I have a brother" and that's it. That's all they care about in the first meeting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:41 AM on February 13, 2012
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:41 AM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: Confirm the existence of relatives, maybe enough socio-economic info to hint at your political leanings and if any ancestor has had an interesting job like "Ratcatcher to the Queen" you could include it. Going into detail about the quality/lack thereof of relationships with your blood relatives would just raise a big red "childish personal drama" flag with me. Being evasive or cryptic would do the same.
It's just chit chat unless it's with somebody you're getting to know REALLY well.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:01 AM on February 13, 2012
It's just chit chat unless it's with somebody you're getting to know REALLY well.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:01 AM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: "so what's your family like, what do your folks do or do you have brothers or sisters?"
Huh, I notice something: the word "biological" doesn't show up in that question at all. It's a question about your family, but it leaves it open for you to determine who counts as your family. The point of the question is to find out a little bit about your background, sure, but more to find out what sort of person you are -- who you know, what you do for fun, what matters to you.
It wouldn't be a good idea to lie, but instead to use your 'acquired' family as a way to frame the conversation. "Oh, my mom lives out in [someplace]. Who really counts as my family, though, are my friends Herbert and Ethel. They're the best! We've been close for years, and...." so on.
The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you get to control the narrative of your life, and others will accept what you tell them. I know this. I had a complicated childhood. I have a biological father, a legal father, and a stepfather. My stepfather and my mother have long since divorced, though he remains the most important member of my family for me. He's getting married soon, so I've mentioned to some new acquaintences that my stepdad and his fiance have done X, or will do X, etc... They just go with it. Sure, it's slightly odd, but who are they to tell me what the structure of my family is?
posted by meese at 8:02 AM on February 13, 2012
Huh, I notice something: the word "biological" doesn't show up in that question at all. It's a question about your family, but it leaves it open for you to determine who counts as your family. The point of the question is to find out a little bit about your background, sure, but more to find out what sort of person you are -- who you know, what you do for fun, what matters to you.
It wouldn't be a good idea to lie, but instead to use your 'acquired' family as a way to frame the conversation. "Oh, my mom lives out in [someplace]. Who really counts as my family, though, are my friends Herbert and Ethel. They're the best! We've been close for years, and...." so on.
The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you get to control the narrative of your life, and others will accept what you tell them. I know this. I had a complicated childhood. I have a biological father, a legal father, and a stepfather. My stepfather and my mother have long since divorced, though he remains the most important member of my family for me. He's getting married soon, so I've mentioned to some new acquaintences that my stepdad and his fiance have done X, or will do X, etc... They just go with it. Sure, it's slightly odd, but who are they to tell me what the structure of my family is?
posted by meese at 8:02 AM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: knz, with respect, something about the way you are framing here makes me believe the answers are quite complex for you, far more than to the people who are inquiring of you. Which is fine, and probably makes sense. My point is, you may be doing some projecting here about the questions and the motives of your "new friends and acquired relatives".
posted by thinkpiece at 8:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by thinkpiece at 8:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @meese I like your answer most, thanks for it.
@mary8nne: I don't know what they do nor what they are interested in. I don't know where they live either, and who they have in their life. For some uncles and aunts I don't even know if they're still alive or not. So being factual is even an issue.
Anyway, thanks to all, I now have a feeling of how to approach this.
posted by knz at 8:28 AM on February 13, 2012
@mary8nne: I don't know what they do nor what they are interested in. I don't know where they live either, and who they have in their life. For some uncles and aunts I don't even know if they're still alive or not. So being factual is even an issue.
Anyway, thanks to all, I now have a feeling of how to approach this.
posted by knz at 8:28 AM on February 13, 2012
DarlingBri: "If pushed, "We're not close, you know how it is" is fine."
And further, if they don't know how it is (that is, not that they have had similar experiences, but they can't empathize or, at the least, know to leave it alone), you are learning something valuable about them and how much time/energy (read: probably not a lot) you might want to give them.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:56 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
And further, if they don't know how it is (that is, not that they have had similar experiences, but they can't empathize or, at the least, know to leave it alone), you are learning something valuable about them and how much time/energy (read: probably not a lot) you might want to give them.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:56 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I have this situation. I just say "We're not a close family." If they push it I say, "You know... we don't actually like each other that much." That usually ends it.
posted by Decani at 10:00 AM on February 13, 2012
posted by Decani at 10:00 AM on February 13, 2012
Are you coming from a culture that is not US/UK/Can/Aus? It's possible that there is some cultural convention about "tell me about your family" that the answers here are missing; most people here are replying based on the culture of their own countries which might be different from the culture you're in.
In the US, if a new friend asks about your family, they are just trying to form a general picture of your life and what's important to you. (They're not trying to get a deep understanding of you, just a rough sketch - big family or small family? etc) If family's not important to you, then "we're not close" or "we're not in touch" or "they're not really in the picture" is a good way to signal that family isn't a good avenue of conversation. Then you can gently guide the conversation to another topic that you'd rather talk about, or you can ask about their family in return.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:41 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
In the US, if a new friend asks about your family, they are just trying to form a general picture of your life and what's important to you. (They're not trying to get a deep understanding of you, just a rough sketch - big family or small family? etc) If family's not important to you, then "we're not close" or "we're not in touch" or "they're not really in the picture" is a good way to signal that family isn't a good avenue of conversation. Then you can gently guide the conversation to another topic that you'd rather talk about, or you can ask about their family in return.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:41 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Ya, a lot of fluffy conversations are made of just having grown up with siblings. So if you were the only boy in a house filled with girls, there's something to chuckle about. Or if you're all brothers. Or if you're an only child. Or if you have a twin.
There isn't necessarily any need for current events or true facts. So, for me, it resonates with some people that I have __x number__ siblings, that my parents weren't together when I was growing up, and that we don't all live in the same state now. Really, that's enough.
So for you, it might be, "I have __no/1/2/40 siblings__, my parents have each married four times (HA!!! or groan), and we don't keep in touch." Or, "My mom died in childbirth and my dad ran off to join the circus. I was raised by wolves for 6 years, and then......"
Just, be brief, and undramatic. Add whatever level of humor to the situation that you feel is warranted.
You can also take another tack and say, "when I was little my parents took me and my brothers camping every summer for two weeks, and I still really love the outdoors" or "I grew up in Chicago because my dad taught at ______, and those cold winters were (adjective)."
They just want to know something about where you come from.
posted by bilabial at 12:23 PM on February 13, 2012
There isn't necessarily any need for current events or true facts. So, for me, it resonates with some people that I have __x number__ siblings, that my parents weren't together when I was growing up, and that we don't all live in the same state now. Really, that's enough.
So for you, it might be, "I have __no/1/2/40 siblings__, my parents have each married four times (HA!!! or groan), and we don't keep in touch." Or, "My mom died in childbirth and my dad ran off to join the circus. I was raised by wolves for 6 years, and then......"
Just, be brief, and undramatic. Add whatever level of humor to the situation that you feel is warranted.
You can also take another tack and say, "when I was little my parents took me and my brothers camping every summer for two weeks, and I still really love the outdoors" or "I grew up in Chicago because my dad taught at ______, and those cold winters were (adjective)."
They just want to know something about where you come from.
posted by bilabial at 12:23 PM on February 13, 2012
Whatever you do, just be honest. So many people in the world have relationships with their family that vary from rocky to nonexistent. It doesn't make you weird or strange. People can relate.
posted by joshrholloway at 2:06 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by joshrholloway at 2:06 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
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But if questions of family come up, I usually just say, "Oh, we're not very close" and change the subject or ask about theirs. Perhaps you could say, "Oh, we're not very close, but actually I am quite close with [acquired family]. They're really great because [X]."
posted by dayintoday at 3:57 AM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]