Fear of committment?
November 29, 2010 9:32 AM Subscribe
Is there hope for a committment-o-phobe?
In a new relationship, things are going great. We have been together for about 4 months. We're happy. We spend tons of time together, I've met the friends and my SO has met several of mine and family. All lights seem to be green. I've been introduced as "this is my girlfriend" and in fact, he initiated that whole conversation. He seems pretty proactive about calling and planning and getting together often. Nothing seems to be amiss. Great sex. Hand holding. Smiles, hugs, the whole lot. However, he claims that he's a "committment-o-phobe" and this definitely does not seem to match any of his actions whatsoever, which leaves me feeling a bit confused. Should I worry that one day he's just going to up and leave? Should I worry at all? Any advice on how to not let this wonderful new relationship end up in the gutter? Obviously I know not to smother and am not ready for "I love you" yet, although I am in-process. I'm worried about getting hurt after learning this new piece of information. Help!
In a new relationship, things are going great. We have been together for about 4 months. We're happy. We spend tons of time together, I've met the friends and my SO has met several of mine and family. All lights seem to be green. I've been introduced as "this is my girlfriend" and in fact, he initiated that whole conversation. He seems pretty proactive about calling and planning and getting together often. Nothing seems to be amiss. Great sex. Hand holding. Smiles, hugs, the whole lot. However, he claims that he's a "committment-o-phobe" and this definitely does not seem to match any of his actions whatsoever, which leaves me feeling a bit confused. Should I worry that one day he's just going to up and leave? Should I worry at all? Any advice on how to not let this wonderful new relationship end up in the gutter? Obviously I know not to smother and am not ready for "I love you" yet, although I am in-process. I'm worried about getting hurt after learning this new piece of information. Help!
However, he claims that he's a "committment-o-phobe" and this definitely does not seem to match any of his actions whatsoever
"Commitment" means marriage. He's not going to propose to you anytime soon. He may eventually, but he's going to be very, very sure first.
posted by kindall at 9:40 AM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
"Commitment" means marriage. He's not going to propose to you anytime soon. He may eventually, but he's going to be very, very sure first.
posted by kindall at 9:40 AM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
The fear that someone's just going to up and leave is a fear that everyone has in every new relationship, and many people are afraid of commitment before they meet the right person. And there are a variety of reasons your SO could be afraid of commitment! It could be that past girlfriends tried to pressure him too much too soon. It could be that he's actually afraid of you leaving him. Maybe he's just more cautious in general. There's no way to know unless he's told you. Enjoy it while you have it, keep communication open, and you may find you have nothing to worry about.
posted by katillathehun at 9:41 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by katillathehun at 9:41 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why not ask him what is means to him?
What about life goals - yours and his - are any of them tied to finding a mate, building a family? What kind of "commitment" are you looking for? Now? In a year? In 5? By experience, "commitmentphobes" are people who tend to seek to preserve status quo when they reach the point where they seem most comfortable. (btw, "girlfriend" becomes a word for a trap after some years of dating a true commitmentphobe).
posted by Jurate at 9:46 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
What about life goals - yours and his - are any of them tied to finding a mate, building a family? What kind of "commitment" are you looking for? Now? In a year? In 5? By experience, "commitmentphobes" are people who tend to seek to preserve status quo when they reach the point where they seem most comfortable. (btw, "girlfriend" becomes a word for a trap after some years of dating a true commitmentphobe).
posted by Jurate at 9:46 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oftentimes being commitment-phobic is not about stages of relationship, labels, or anything other than the prospect of having your Future Decided For You. In other words, a commitment-phobic person can (depending on the person, of course) easily stay in a single relationship for the remainder of his entire life: the sticking point is when you present this concept to him ahead of time. I don't think, solely based on his self-labeling, that you need to worry about him running for an exit-- I think it just means he understands his own impulses and will need some patience and hand-holding if/when you ever get to a point of attempting to discuss a future together.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:46 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by shakespeherian at 9:46 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
People say all kinds of things at the beginnings of relationships that seem to be going well in order to hedge their bets and keep from the scary "all-in" aspect.
If he still says it in 5 years, then maybe its a problem.
posted by softlord at 9:47 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he still says it in 5 years, then maybe its a problem.
posted by softlord at 9:47 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, speaking as someone who has been a commitmentphobe (strange, since once I settle in I'm totally the "bring the U-Haul" type) and dated a commitmentphobe, I can say that "commitmentphobia" is kind of like "cancer" -- it shows up in many forms, is caused by many things and can be dealt with in many ways. While it is sometimes fatal, it often is not.
The main thing about commitmentphobia is that it's a control issue. You (a commitmentphobe) want to control how the relationship progresses, what your partner does in your orbit, the timing of certain events, things like that. This isn't to say that you're a control freak, or that it's always to a dangerous level, but you're unwilling to submit to the risk of these things. Most likely, you've taken a risk before and it hasn't panned out the way you'd hoped -- you fell for someone and s/he cheated on you, or you dated someone for a long time and nothing moved past a particular stage, so you wonder why you should bother with commitment because it won't go anywhere.
Even though the payoff for these risks could be fantastic, you're unwilling to move past the status quo because it's safe and comfortable and you're scared of potential losses as well. That's why the most common form of commitmentphobia is that things can just get to a particular point in the relationship and stay there.
First, the fact that he describes himself as such could be a good thing or kind of a cop-out for behavior down the line. However, his behavior looks pretty good, so that's a good sign on all fronts. The things he does are more important than what he says.
I've experienced it in a couple of different ways. The most glaring is that I love being with someone and integrating into each others' lives, but I am absolutely terrified by the possibility of something going wrong. I had one bad relationship at a particularly tough time in my life (over ten years ago) that then sabotaged a lot of what came after that because I figured, "Hey, if something seems like it's going wrong now, I know it'll end eventually, so maybe it's best if I just break it off now and have control over the situation myself. It'll be a pre-emptive strike." I do not recommend this technique in the least, but that's one way it can come up.
A guy I dated was very hesitant to have me make any sort of stamp on his living space. I'm not talking redecorating; I'm talking getting rid of three of the extra five pepper shakers in his spice cabinet, or having more than a single drawer for myself after a year of dating. There was never any sense of him cheating or not being affectionate to me around other people, but he was very nervous about me encroaching on the place where he felt comfortable. That was his boundary line. (We're now both engaged to other people, and BOY do I wish I could see what he let her do.)
So you're just going to have to feel things out. You're both different people; you're not his exes, and he's not the person he was before dating them. Feel free to point this out (nicely!). If you notice that certain things make him more nervous than others, or that things have stayed the same for a really long time, gently ask him what's going on and help him gain your trust.
If control is in question, trust is the answer.
posted by Madamina at 9:57 AM on November 29, 2010 [12 favorites]
The main thing about commitmentphobia is that it's a control issue. You (a commitmentphobe) want to control how the relationship progresses, what your partner does in your orbit, the timing of certain events, things like that. This isn't to say that you're a control freak, or that it's always to a dangerous level, but you're unwilling to submit to the risk of these things. Most likely, you've taken a risk before and it hasn't panned out the way you'd hoped -- you fell for someone and s/he cheated on you, or you dated someone for a long time and nothing moved past a particular stage, so you wonder why you should bother with commitment because it won't go anywhere.
Even though the payoff for these risks could be fantastic, you're unwilling to move past the status quo because it's safe and comfortable and you're scared of potential losses as well. That's why the most common form of commitmentphobia is that things can just get to a particular point in the relationship and stay there.
First, the fact that he describes himself as such could be a good thing or kind of a cop-out for behavior down the line. However, his behavior looks pretty good, so that's a good sign on all fronts. The things he does are more important than what he says.
I've experienced it in a couple of different ways. The most glaring is that I love being with someone and integrating into each others' lives, but I am absolutely terrified by the possibility of something going wrong. I had one bad relationship at a particularly tough time in my life (over ten years ago) that then sabotaged a lot of what came after that because I figured, "Hey, if something seems like it's going wrong now, I know it'll end eventually, so maybe it's best if I just break it off now and have control over the situation myself. It'll be a pre-emptive strike." I do not recommend this technique in the least, but that's one way it can come up.
A guy I dated was very hesitant to have me make any sort of stamp on his living space. I'm not talking redecorating; I'm talking getting rid of three of the extra five pepper shakers in his spice cabinet, or having more than a single drawer for myself after a year of dating. There was never any sense of him cheating or not being affectionate to me around other people, but he was very nervous about me encroaching on the place where he felt comfortable. That was his boundary line. (We're now both engaged to other people, and BOY do I wish I could see what he let her do.)
So you're just going to have to feel things out. You're both different people; you're not his exes, and he's not the person he was before dating them. Feel free to point this out (nicely!). If you notice that certain things make him more nervous than others, or that things have stayed the same for a really long time, gently ask him what's going on and help him gain your trust.
If control is in question, trust is the answer.
posted by Madamina at 9:57 AM on November 29, 2010 [12 favorites]
However, he claims that he's a "committment-o-phobe" and this definitely does not seem to match any of his actions whatsoever, which leaves me feeling a bit confused.
Then you should ask him to clarify. It doesn't sound like you've been pushing commitment, so he may just be saying up front, "this is great but I'm not ready to settle down yet," which makes sense (but to me seems unnecessary) only 4 months in. Could be something you're doing, could be his own feelings are spooking him, could be a previous girlfriend pressured him, etc. Only he knows why he felt the need to bring it up.
Should I worry that one day he's just going to up and leave?
Worry? No, but if it's on your mind then you should let him know your expectations. "I'm not ready for anything permanent either, but this is pretty sweet IMO and you need to let me know if we're not on the same page."
posted by headnsouth at 9:58 AM on November 29, 2010
Then you should ask him to clarify. It doesn't sound like you've been pushing commitment, so he may just be saying up front, "this is great but I'm not ready to settle down yet," which makes sense (but to me seems unnecessary) only 4 months in. Could be something you're doing, could be his own feelings are spooking him, could be a previous girlfriend pressured him, etc. Only he knows why he felt the need to bring it up.
Should I worry that one day he's just going to up and leave?
Worry? No, but if it's on your mind then you should let him know your expectations. "I'm not ready for anything permanent either, but this is pretty sweet IMO and you need to let me know if we're not on the same page."
posted by headnsouth at 9:58 AM on November 29, 2010
Honestly, you should sit down and have a light talk about all this with him. Every question that you've asked here, to a bunch of random strangers who are not the guy you're dating, will not mean as much as getting the answer from him.
Don't worry too much about getting hurt per se. For now you're falling in love and everything is great. Enjoy that for all it's worth. That doesn't mean be foolish and ignore what he said or not to think about it. But for now, things are great, so revel in that.
posted by nomadicink at 9:59 AM on November 29, 2010
Don't worry too much about getting hurt per se. For now you're falling in love and everything is great. Enjoy that for all it's worth. That doesn't mean be foolish and ignore what he said or not to think about it. But for now, things are great, so revel in that.
posted by nomadicink at 9:59 AM on November 29, 2010
I wouldn't place that much stock in it AT THIS POINT. At four months, you're not even really in a commitment-centric place... more like a "you are awesome we are awesome this is awesome let's get naked again!" place. And the beginning of a relationship - especially one that looks like it could be great - is often a very emotionally scary time; people say all SORTS of things out of fear and hesitancy (at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend did all SORTS of stuff like this - e.g. "I've got one foot on the platform and one on the train" - eek!).
At some point, I'd ask him to clarify what he MEANT by commitment-o-phobe... not in a BIG! IMPORTANT! TALK! kind of way... just to make sure you're both on the same page.
But seriously. Don't worry. He is every bit as terrified and overjoyed inside as YOU are, and NOBODY can predict a relationship's trajectory.
posted by julthumbscrew at 10:06 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
At some point, I'd ask him to clarify what he MEANT by commitment-o-phobe... not in a BIG! IMPORTANT! TALK! kind of way... just to make sure you're both on the same page.
But seriously. Don't worry. He is every bit as terrified and overjoyed inside as YOU are, and NOBODY can predict a relationship's trajectory.
posted by julthumbscrew at 10:06 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
My hunch is that he's probably not had too good of a previous relationship. Everything is going great for him now with you, so it might be a little unnerving on his part too that it could all go away. I think you're both feeling the same kind of anxiety just expressing it in different ways. Best route, same as others have mentioned before me: the relationship is still young, talk it out....build trust with each other...and most importantly, have a great time while you're at it!
posted by samsara at 10:09 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by samsara at 10:09 AM on November 29, 2010
Hi! Are you dating my good friend? If so -- yes, I'm sorry to say -- I think he might just "flip" on you one day, even though you are pretty awesome. This has happened to me too in my dating life. It's the weirdest thing, right?? Usually kinda happens out of the blue.
---
Let's assume you are not dating my dear-but-frustrating friend right now. How old is your guy, how long has he been a commitment phobe? Has he had any/many long-term serious relationships in the past? Lived with anyone? Do you know if he has a history of cheating??
FACT: The older he is and has managed w/out a serious commitment, the less likely it is that you will be "The One."
However, dangling the carrot of "commitment phobe" in front of your nose is a clever way to make you work for that status of becoming "The One" for this self-proclaimed picky guy, huh? Be wary here. People who are into you and mean well don't make statements to you about having commitment phobia. I mean, most folks date for at least a year or more before moving in or getting engaged (I didn't, but I think one year is the norm) so when he said what he said, he was definitely trying to tell you something. Even if he was hinting at the commitment thing in response to something you said or implied earlier ... it's still a pretty shitty way to give you the 411 on the status of your relationship, don't you think?
The pattern with this type of guy is to bail once the relationship seems fated to succeed. The bail-out will likely come as a shock when it happens.
Assess this guy's dating history (as far as you know it), factor in what people here are telling you about the type of man who claims commitment phobia when things are going well in a new relationship, then proceed accordingly.
Good Luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:10 AM on November 29, 2010 [10 favorites]
---
Let's assume you are not dating my dear-but-frustrating friend right now. How old is your guy, how long has he been a commitment phobe? Has he had any/many long-term serious relationships in the past? Lived with anyone? Do you know if he has a history of cheating??
FACT: The older he is and has managed w/out a serious commitment, the less likely it is that you will be "The One."
However, dangling the carrot of "commitment phobe" in front of your nose is a clever way to make you work for that status of becoming "The One" for this self-proclaimed picky guy, huh? Be wary here. People who are into you and mean well don't make statements to you about having commitment phobia. I mean, most folks date for at least a year or more before moving in or getting engaged (I didn't, but I think one year is the norm) so when he said what he said, he was definitely trying to tell you something. Even if he was hinting at the commitment thing in response to something you said or implied earlier ... it's still a pretty shitty way to give you the 411 on the status of your relationship, don't you think?
The pattern with this type of guy is to bail once the relationship seems fated to succeed. The bail-out will likely come as a shock when it happens.
Assess this guy's dating history (as far as you know it), factor in what people here are telling you about the type of man who claims commitment phobia when things are going well in a new relationship, then proceed accordingly.
Good Luck.
posted by jbenben at 10:10 AM on November 29, 2010 [10 favorites]
Upon preview, what Madamina said about that statement being a control tactic is spot-on.
I wouldn't advise trust and waiting, however. It's not your job to fix this person and that advice always strikes me as counter to the non-phobia person's best interests. Keep your eyes open. Take this person at his word that he will be holding you at arm's length from now on. Resist the temptation to be super pleasing and go above-and-beyond to make this relationship work.
Now that he's thrown this card on the table, I know it'll be hard to act "normal." That's his fault, not yours. Please remember this as your relationship with this fellow plays out.
posted by jbenben at 10:18 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't advise trust and waiting, however. It's not your job to fix this person and that advice always strikes me as counter to the non-phobia person's best interests. Keep your eyes open. Take this person at his word that he will be holding you at arm's length from now on. Resist the temptation to be super pleasing and go above-and-beyond to make this relationship work.
Now that he's thrown this card on the table, I know it'll be hard to act "normal." That's his fault, not yours. Please remember this as your relationship with this fellow plays out.
posted by jbenben at 10:18 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
My mother's advice of "When someone tells you something about themself, believe it," has always been 100% right in my life.
It's veryvery possible that he's setting you up for the inevitable "I told you I was a commitment-o-phobe when we met!" because that's just how he rolls.
posted by dzaz at 11:14 AM on November 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's veryvery possible that he's setting you up for the inevitable "I told you I was a commitment-o-phobe when we met!" because that's just how he rolls.
posted by dzaz at 11:14 AM on November 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
How about this? He was honestly trying to communicate his fears to you. He is phobic of commitment. With you. Now.
This may or may not last. It may or may not be a character trait. It may or may not affect your relationship.
There's no way to predict what will happen. At any point, he could opt out of the relationship, and his disclosure of his fears makes that somewhat more likely, but not necessarily so.
So I would just try to chill, and not count on him to do or be anything other than what he is.
posted by alternateuniverse at 11:17 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This may or may not last. It may or may not be a character trait. It may or may not affect your relationship.
There's no way to predict what will happen. At any point, he could opt out of the relationship, and his disclosure of his fears makes that somewhat more likely, but not necessarily so.
So I would just try to chill, and not count on him to do or be anything other than what he is.
posted by alternateuniverse at 11:17 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, aside from the trust part, "waiting" is not really what I'd advocate. All you can do is just be who you are and take things day by day. If his actions match what you need more days than not, cool beans.
Guys, especially (if I may generalize!), are hesitant to get into talking about the details of WHY they might be commitmentphobic. This guy in particular was always uncomfortable with me asking so. many. dang. QUESTIONS! all the time. (I'm a little extra talky, but if he would just answer something once in a while, maybe I wouldn't have had to try other angles! that's what she saidSee why we sucked as a couple?)
So he announced that he was commitmentphobic early on, and in fact did tell me that he was very worried about "loving someone who doesn't love me back," because he had been entangled with another person for quite a while. But it wasn't until after we broke up and were still, um, hanging out that he said, "Look, I was really uncomfortable when we were suddenly spending all weekend together at my house within three months of meeting each other." And I said, "Gee, thanks so much for letting me know it bothered you LAST YEAR." But aside from just being generally not well suited for each other, we were still pretty caring and loving together. I don't feel like he held me at arm's length any more than anyone else.
Words and actions don't always match. As my current partner said when I was just discussing it with him, "You may describe yourself as commitmentphobic in your mind, but your actions show much more than that."
posted by Madamina at 12:06 PM on November 29, 2010
Guys, especially (if I may generalize!), are hesitant to get into talking about the details of WHY they might be commitmentphobic. This guy in particular was always uncomfortable with me asking so. many. dang. QUESTIONS! all the time. (I'm a little extra talky, but if he would just answer something once in a while, maybe I wouldn't have had to try other angles! that's what she saidSee why we sucked as a couple?)
So he announced that he was commitmentphobic early on, and in fact did tell me that he was very worried about "loving someone who doesn't love me back," because he had been entangled with another person for quite a while. But it wasn't until after we broke up and were still, um, hanging out that he said, "Look, I was really uncomfortable when we were suddenly spending all weekend together at my house within three months of meeting each other." And I said, "Gee, thanks so much for letting me know it bothered you LAST YEAR." But aside from just being generally not well suited for each other, we were still pretty caring and loving together. I don't feel like he held me at arm's length any more than anyone else.
Words and actions don't always match. As my current partner said when I was just discussing it with him, "You may describe yourself as commitmentphobic in your mind, but your actions show much more than that."
posted by Madamina at 12:06 PM on November 29, 2010
Sometimes people express themselves imperfectly. He might have meant, "I'm happy with the pace at which our relationship is moving, and would be nervous if you started pushing for something more serious, because I tend to take a long time to get really comfortable with a partner. My previous partner [did something that relates to this and that's why I'm telling you]." Then again, he might also have meant it in a manipulative, controlling way so that when you start to ask for what you want in the relationship, he can say, "But I TOLD you I'm not a commitment kind of guy!"
Either way it's worth talking about--casually, of course, not a somber, "We need to talk"-talk, just a, "Hey, that commitment-phobe comment sort of caught me off guard, can we talk about it?"
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:06 PM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Either way it's worth talking about--casually, of course, not a somber, "We need to talk"-talk, just a, "Hey, that commitment-phobe comment sort of caught me off guard, can we talk about it?"
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:06 PM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
My first impulse is to tell you to ignore it because I don't think any good can come of focusing on it. My second impulse is to suggest you ask him if he's ever *felt* committed in a relationship. This would tell you whether he is incapable or just prefers to take things slowly. I don't think "what did you mean by that?" or any other angle to plumb his thoughts on that specific event will result in anything but putting him on the spot.
You might also look in the mirror to ensure that you are not being a "commitment-phile" who needs to be able to have the relationship mapped out. 4 months, lady, are you baby-crazy or something? Enjoy the honeymoon for crying out loud.
posted by rhizome at 1:03 PM on November 29, 2010
You might also look in the mirror to ensure that you are not being a "commitment-phile" who needs to be able to have the relationship mapped out. 4 months, lady, are you baby-crazy or something? Enjoy the honeymoon for crying out loud.
posted by rhizome at 1:03 PM on November 29, 2010
You might also look in the mirror to ensure that you are not being a "commitment-phile" who needs to be able to have the relationship mapped out. 4 months, lady, are you baby-crazy or something? Enjoy the honeymoon for crying out loud.
When you like somebody a whole lot - regardless of how long the relationship has or has not existed - and that someone says, "Hey, I'm kinda freaked out by commitment," it's perfectly reasonable to question your emotional investment without even remote desire for pregnancy.
posted by katillathehun at 2:00 PM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
When you like somebody a whole lot - regardless of how long the relationship has or has not existed - and that someone says, "Hey, I'm kinda freaked out by commitment," it's perfectly reasonable to question your emotional investment without even remote desire for pregnancy.
posted by katillathehun at 2:00 PM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sorry, yeah, flew off the handle a little there. I had conflated it with a question involving saying "I love you" early on in a relationship.
posted by rhizome at 2:50 PM on November 29, 2010
posted by rhizome at 2:50 PM on November 29, 2010
I think a lot of guys say that early on in a relationship because they're natural pleasers and they don't want you to get your expectations up because they don't want to fail you. (Also, to some men, being a commitmentphobe means not being ready to get married. There are a thousand steps between four months and that day.)
Conversely, women tend to ask about it early on because we tend to be natural collaborators and consensus-makers, and if we aren't assured that the effort is mutual, we tend to get antsy or feel like we're being taken advantage of.
I would let it go. Don't even ask him about it. Obviously this is not a global statement, but what a man does usually tells you more than what he says, and his actions are telling you he's on board. So trust that.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:23 PM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Conversely, women tend to ask about it early on because we tend to be natural collaborators and consensus-makers, and if we aren't assured that the effort is mutual, we tend to get antsy or feel like we're being taken advantage of.
I would let it go. Don't even ask him about it. Obviously this is not a global statement, but what a man does usually tells you more than what he says, and his actions are telling you he's on board. So trust that.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:23 PM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Commitment-phobes tend to be people who view love as something very serious, and don't view commitment as a promise they can break when the whim strikes them.
Maybe you'll never get him to commit, but, speaking as a fellow commitment-phobic individual, once he does I bet it will be long-term.
Besides, something that sucks to learn about relationships is that people can say all the pretty words in the world, but tomorrow they can still leave you for any reason. Even when you're married. So I'd just ride things out and know that him saying the right words isn't as important as doing the right things.
posted by jnaps at 4:14 PM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe you'll never get him to commit, but, speaking as a fellow commitment-phobic individual, once he does I bet it will be long-term.
Besides, something that sucks to learn about relationships is that people can say all the pretty words in the world, but tomorrow they can still leave you for any reason. Even when you're married. So I'd just ride things out and know that him saying the right words isn't as important as doing the right things.
posted by jnaps at 4:14 PM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Truth be told, all relationships can end at any time pretty abruptly. Whether someone says they're a commitment phobe or not...relationships are unpredictable. But at the end of the day, if we judge people by their actions and not their words we can usually make a better assessment of the situation. Take your current relationship as an example...the guy you're with says he's a commitment phobe. Yet you've been together for about 4 months, you're happy, you spend tons of time together, he introduces you as his girlfriend, and he's proactive about calling and planning and getting together often. So I think that for now it's safe to say that based on his actions he's committed to you in some form or another. In terms of the future? Give it time. Right now it's still a little too soon to starting talking about a long term future. Especially with a guy who says he's a commitment phobe. But I think once you reach the 8 or 9 month mark it's ok to bring that up casually in a conversation. At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to want something in a relationship. If marriage is what you want, eventually you're gonna wanna know if this is something your current man can give you. So when the time comes you can discuss it. If I was you, I would wait a year. A year is a good enough time to get to know someone and see some normal ups and downs in a relationship. Depending on your age, you might feel that after a year with someone you either wanna marry them or find someone else. And you have every right to feel that way. I also think that during the course of a year his actions will continue to define your relationship. If he continues giving you the same attention he is currently giving you, I'd say it's likely he's not going anywhere out of the blue. Heck...he may even start talking about a long term future at that point. So for now just enjoy the relationship. You're in a nice "honeymoon" phase. It's a great place to be!
posted by ljs30 at 4:46 PM on November 29, 2010
posted by ljs30 at 4:46 PM on November 29, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by grizzled at 9:38 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]