Does my family suck, or do I?
May 23, 2010 8:16 AM Subscribe
Do the items in my deceased mom's home belong to me or the new owners of the house which happen to be my family? How to accept the fact that this house, which I've always considered home, isn't anymore.
I currently live in Texas and have for the past year. My mother has been sick on and off for close to 3 years and she passed away last February.
My grandfather had left the house under her and her brother's name as joint ownership with right of survivorship a few years before he passed. My mom lived there and put a $30,000 second mortgage on the house which she paid off on her own, and a lot of my own labor went into fixing the house up as well (Laying ceramic tile floors, ripping down plaster walls and replacing with drywall, no small tasks). Brother was supposed to sign the house over to her because he had a house of his own that was built after my grandfather passed. He never did and even tried to demand half of the 2nd mortgage loan she took out. I am assuming that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this part, but I am still extremely pissed off about it.
So after she passed, my mom's renovated by us home was given to her brother's daughter. (Think single mom of a few kids by different fathers, no job, lived with her mom before this at the age of 35) I drove my mom's car back to Texas (from PA) and she has a Jeep Liberty. I packed as many memories as possible into it - which wasn't much, I was still a mess and distraught over everything as they were demanding keys from me. I wasn't able to stay long enough to put things into storage. I had some friends come over before I left and gave away as much as the furniture as possible, but there are still a lot of things in that house which I feel are mine. Are they? Did I give up that right by handing the keys over and leaving? Could they have sold the things in the home or thrown them away without asking me first?
I also really don't know how to get past the fact that I feel they are stealing my childhood memories/home from me by not even thinking of me when all of this happened. She has her own mother and father with their own places where she can look back and call home. Meanwhile, I'm just put out. Am I being incredibly selfish here?
I currently live in Texas and have for the past year. My mother has been sick on and off for close to 3 years and she passed away last February.
My grandfather had left the house under her and her brother's name as joint ownership with right of survivorship a few years before he passed. My mom lived there and put a $30,000 second mortgage on the house which she paid off on her own, and a lot of my own labor went into fixing the house up as well (Laying ceramic tile floors, ripping down plaster walls and replacing with drywall, no small tasks). Brother was supposed to sign the house over to her because he had a house of his own that was built after my grandfather passed. He never did and even tried to demand half of the 2nd mortgage loan she took out. I am assuming that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this part, but I am still extremely pissed off about it.
So after she passed, my mom's renovated by us home was given to her brother's daughter. (Think single mom of a few kids by different fathers, no job, lived with her mom before this at the age of 35) I drove my mom's car back to Texas (from PA) and she has a Jeep Liberty. I packed as many memories as possible into it - which wasn't much, I was still a mess and distraught over everything as they were demanding keys from me. I wasn't able to stay long enough to put things into storage. I had some friends come over before I left and gave away as much as the furniture as possible, but there are still a lot of things in that house which I feel are mine. Are they? Did I give up that right by handing the keys over and leaving? Could they have sold the things in the home or thrown them away without asking me first?
I also really don't know how to get past the fact that I feel they are stealing my childhood memories/home from me by not even thinking of me when all of this happened. She has her own mother and father with their own places where she can look back and call home. Meanwhile, I'm just put out. Am I being incredibly selfish here?
Best answer: You definitely need a lawyer for this, and you're definitely not being selfish at all.
I'd think that everything that is in that house now and was not there when your grandfather conveyed it, belongs to you. That would include new appliances and light fixtures (things that would be included in a usual house sale.). Also, any required expenses, like major repairs and taxes, paid by your mother were partly your uncles responsibility (though your mother would be expected to give something to him as rent for his half.) The cost of the renovations, which weren't required, is another story, but I'd expect her (now you) to be entitled to some reimbursement for that too. Get a lawyer.
posted by Some1 at 8:49 AM on May 23, 2010
I'd think that everything that is in that house now and was not there when your grandfather conveyed it, belongs to you. That would include new appliances and light fixtures (things that would be included in a usual house sale.). Also, any required expenses, like major repairs and taxes, paid by your mother were partly your uncles responsibility (though your mother would be expected to give something to him as rent for his half.) The cost of the renovations, which weren't required, is another story, but I'd expect her (now you) to be entitled to some reimbursement for that too. Get a lawyer.
posted by Some1 at 8:49 AM on May 23, 2010
Put in the most elementary terms, when someone dies, their "estate" (everything they owned, ranging from investments and real estate to household knick knacks) is generally "probated" (distributed, either by the terms of a written will or the laws of intestate succession ... i.e., the laws governing how property is to pass when there is no will).
You need a lawyer to walk you through this process. The estate of a dead person does NOT just pass to whoever manages to wrest physical control over it from other people, although your horrible relatives would be happy for you to think it works that way. Probate courts and probate lawyers exist for exactly this purpose. But the longer you wait, the more likely that assets will disappear or be forgotten, and you will have less likelihood of getting what is rightly yours.
posted by jayder at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
You need a lawyer to walk you through this process. The estate of a dead person does NOT just pass to whoever manages to wrest physical control over it from other people, although your horrible relatives would be happy for you to think it works that way. Probate courts and probate lawyers exist for exactly this purpose. But the longer you wait, the more likely that assets will disappear or be forgotten, and you will have less likelihood of getting what is rightly yours.
posted by jayder at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
This is a low-litigation approach, but have you just asked your cousin what's become of the items you wanted but left behind? As the saying goes, one person's trash is another's treasure -- maybe if she knew something was important to you, she'd invite you over to get whatever it is.
posted by Houstonian at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Houstonian at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like you're really angry at your uncle and don't especially like your cousin. It's fine and natural to have those types of emotions with regard to difficult or selfish or otherwise unpleasant family members, but it's also a very good reason to discuss this with a lawyer. That you include this stuff--"Think single mom of a few kids by different fathers, no job, lived with her mom before this at the age of 35"--indicates that you're focused on what everyone in the situation "deserves" or has earned rather than what legally belongs to whom. That's not a criticism of you, just an observation that you're having a lot of feelings about this situation (understandably) and it's going to be very hard for you to have the level of emotional distance a legal question requires.
Talking this over with a lawyer means that you get to keep feeling whatever feelings you have, and the burden isn't on you to set those aside and evaluate the situation objectively--your lawyer does that for you. You may have to view the situation objectively, eventually, but your lawyer is there to do the legwork and then walk you through his/her evaluation of the situation. And, moreover, talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to sue your family members or anything--it's a practical way of getting your bearings in an emotionally confusing and distressing situation.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:46 AM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
Talking this over with a lawyer means that you get to keep feeling whatever feelings you have, and the burden isn't on you to set those aside and evaluate the situation objectively--your lawyer does that for you. You may have to view the situation objectively, eventually, but your lawyer is there to do the legwork and then walk you through his/her evaluation of the situation. And, moreover, talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to sue your family members or anything--it's a practical way of getting your bearings in an emotionally confusing and distressing situation.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:46 AM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think giving away as much of the furniture as possible to your friends probably made them very upset at you. This sounds a bit like "I can't have it so you can't have it either!" spite.
I think you should either just move on or get a lawyer to handle things so you don't have to, plus talk to a professional about all your anger and frustration about your family.
posted by meepmeow at 10:54 AM on May 23, 2010
I think you should either just move on or get a lawyer to handle things so you don't have to, plus talk to a professional about all your anger and frustration about your family.
posted by meepmeow at 10:54 AM on May 23, 2010
Assuming that (1) she died without a will and (2) you have no brothers or sisters - neither of which is specified - then her personal property will pass to you. Each state is different as to how that is actually done. In many states, there is an informal or expedited procedure to handle property under a certain specified amount, such as $10,000 or $20,000.
The improvements that were made became part of the real estate and passed with the real estate. Without an agreement otherwise, your uncle or cousin probably have no repayment obligation. But again, that varies by state. Consult a lawyer.
posted by yclipse at 11:24 AM on May 23, 2010
The improvements that were made became part of the real estate and passed with the real estate. Without an agreement otherwise, your uncle or cousin probably have no repayment obligation. But again, that varies by state. Consult a lawyer.
posted by yclipse at 11:24 AM on May 23, 2010
Regardless of the legal truth of the matter, your family members should be considerate of your feelings and give you the opportunity to take things that you consider yours within reasonable bounds of fairness.
Unfortunately, family deaths bring out the worst in people, and you may need a lawyer to enforce what should be common sense.
posted by desuetude at 11:48 AM on May 23, 2010
Unfortunately, family deaths bring out the worst in people, and you may need a lawyer to enforce what should be common sense.
posted by desuetude at 11:48 AM on May 23, 2010
My condolences for your loss. I'm nthing the advice to get a lawyer. IANAL, but my understanding (again, IANAL) is that if your grandfather conveyed the house to your mother and your uncle under joint tenancy with right of survivorship, then your uncle succeeds to the house without probate. However, all of your mother's other possessions, whether inside the house or not, are subject to the terms of her will, or if she did not have a will, the terms of state law for intestate estates as determined by a probate court. You almost certainly would be better off having a lawyer represent your interests in probate court, regardless of whether a will is involved or not. (I'm presuming that your mother did not have a living trust; if so, different rules apply.)
posted by brianogilvie at 1:58 PM on May 23, 2010
posted by brianogilvie at 1:58 PM on May 23, 2010
I think you are dealing with 3 different issues:
1) Legal issue, which others have discussed.
2) Personal emotional issue: your memories and your feelings
3) Emotional relationship issue with your cousin and her lack of manners and respect toward your feelings.
Let me focus first on number 3. I think you need to let her know how you expected her to behave and that by not doing so, she has shown no consideration to your feelings. It was your mother's house and she should have known what it meant to you and should have been more empathetic. You also need to tell her how you expect her to behave from now on and what things specifically you want to keep or for her to return to you.
Regarding # 2: I think that the best way to deal with pain is to express it, to verbalize it so that you acquire some perspective and develop some objectivity. It takes time to work this pain and anger through as you have suffered a great loss--your mother.
posted by dupedyestafada at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2010
1) Legal issue, which others have discussed.
2) Personal emotional issue: your memories and your feelings
3) Emotional relationship issue with your cousin and her lack of manners and respect toward your feelings.
Let me focus first on number 3. I think you need to let her know how you expected her to behave and that by not doing so, she has shown no consideration to your feelings. It was your mother's house and she should have known what it meant to you and should have been more empathetic. You also need to tell her how you expect her to behave from now on and what things specifically you want to keep or for her to return to you.
Regarding # 2: I think that the best way to deal with pain is to express it, to verbalize it so that you acquire some perspective and develop some objectivity. It takes time to work this pain and anger through as you have suffered a great loss--your mother.
posted by dupedyestafada at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2010
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How was this determined? By the terms of a will?
There are a lot of details missing here; I would consult with a lawyer.
posted by dfriedman at 8:35 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]