Feeling like a lame duck in the dating pond
November 14, 2012 4:39 PM Subscribe
How to make sense of dating?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Anonymous because I don't want this associated with the details I've shared under my username.
Relevant details: Straight, female, mid-twenties.
First relationship (around 8-9 m) ended toward the end of last year, then backslid (twice! good job, me) and dated some more on and off until things finally ended for good two months ago, when he moved away.
I've done the no contact thing for the past two months and things have been improving, but I feel like I'm the type who needs to find someone new to really move on from the last one. I'd love to meet someone "organically" out in the "real world" but I didn't have much luck there (though that might be because I was going to the wrong places). SO I tried putting up an okc profile and have gotten a lot of messages. Many of them are really nice (even if I don't find myself attracted to them) but I just don't have to time to respond to them all. I responded to two guys and went out on dates with both of them. The dates went well and I wouldn't mind going out with them again--the problem is, I probably won't be able to set another date with either until 1/1.5 weeks from now (extremely busy work deadlines and thanksgiving). That doesn't sound too bad...but in the meantime, I'm really having trouble mustering the interest to maintain communication. I don't particularly feel like texting them or reaching out. I'll respond and talk on the phone if they call, but I'm rather unmotivated on my end. I really did have a good time on the dates and would totally go out again, but I don't know if this lack of motivation means I'm not really interested or I'm just unused to this and need to exert some effort.
Worse still, putting myself back in the dating arena is inevitably leading me to draw comparisons between new guys I meet and my ex. I would really really rather not think about him, I think I'm still getting over it and I feel the best when I imagine him not existing at all. Unfortunately we work in the same field and have many many mutual friends and despite blocking him on everything some tidbits of info still slip in. I keep trying to distract myself from thinking about him and his new life/gf but that, combined with the work stress and dating stuff, is just making me feel more like I have no idea what I'm doing while everyone else has their shit together.
I guess my question is:
1) I'm totally lost with the dating thing. What do I do if I'm down with seeing them again but feel unmotivated to maintain contact in between in-person dates? Do I try going on more first dates? Dating is weird.
2) This stuff with the ex just takes more time right? What can I do to stop these thoughts from popping up as I'm trying to move on?
3) Did you ever feel like you were stuck in a dating rut/stuck on an ex and how did you change that? How did you move forward and meet someone else?