The fine line between googling and stalking
January 16, 2009 6:30 PM Subscribe
Dating site wants money for mail; is it deeply weird to find and contact the solitary interesting person on the site via facebook?
This is one of the many sites run on Datingbuzz's software. Against my better judgement, I coughed up a pile-o-money to send a mail to someone who caught my eye. Turns out she hasn't paid them a pile, so all I got back was a canned response (one of six or so available) saying "I'd love to respond but I don't have a subscription yet."
Now, thing is, she uses her moderately uncommon first name as her id, and on everybody's favourite social networking site there's only one person in the city (pop'n ~300,000) with the right first name, age and the same profile photo.
Would it be deeply weird to message her on facebook? (Dating site has already censored a very couched suggestion that she try the inverse to find me, including removing words from an acrostic - which sort of impressed me) All I did was search for her first name and age - is that terrifying stalker-ish behaviour?
(background, fwiw; (mutual) ages are late 20s, I'm male, this is the UK, and she looks pretty cool)
This is one of the many sites run on Datingbuzz's software. Against my better judgement, I coughed up a pile-o-money to send a mail to someone who caught my eye. Turns out she hasn't paid them a pile, so all I got back was a canned response (one of six or so available) saying "I'd love to respond but I don't have a subscription yet."
Now, thing is, she uses her moderately uncommon first name as her id, and on everybody's favourite social networking site there's only one person in the city (pop'n ~300,000) with the right first name, age and the same profile photo.
Would it be deeply weird to message her on facebook? (Dating site has already censored a very couched suggestion that she try the inverse to find me, including removing words from an acrostic - which sort of impressed me) All I did was search for her first name and age - is that terrifying stalker-ish behaviour?
(background, fwiw; (mutual) ages are late 20s, I'm male, this is the UK, and she looks pretty cool)
Depending on how slick you are, you could say "hey, I just saved you a pile of money on the dating site. Whatsay you buy me some coffee."
Personally, I wouldn't be at all alarmed if someone contacted me through facebook because of a situation like that. But I myself have vaguely stalkerish tendencies, too.
posted by phunniemee at 6:38 PM on January 16, 2009
Personally, I wouldn't be at all alarmed if someone contacted me through facebook because of a situation like that. But I myself have vaguely stalkerish tendencies, too.
posted by phunniemee at 6:38 PM on January 16, 2009
Send her a message but do NOT send her a friend request.
posted by desjardins at 6:45 PM on January 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 6:45 PM on January 16, 2009 [6 favorites]
I would personally be OK with that. If I thought the guy was interesting/good looking and if he seemed genuine about his reason for looking me up this way (as you do) then in the end I wouldn't care. If I wasn't gonna be interested in you anyway, then it doesn't matter where you find me. So I say, take a chance, go for it!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:47 PM on January 16, 2009
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:47 PM on January 16, 2009
I especially wouldn't find it creepy if the person writing to me prefixed the message with something like "Hey, I hope you don't mind that I did this--I figured I would look for your first name on facebook and lo and behold there you were!" If they just messaged me as if I already knew them in a non-dating-site context without mentioning that they'd tracked me down, I'd be a little surprised and possibly weirded out.
Also - change *your* facebook profile pic to the same one as you use on the dating site, at least temporarily, so she recognizes you easily. (You may have thought of that already, but since you're anon I figured I'd mention it.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:57 PM on January 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also - change *your* facebook profile pic to the same one as you use on the dating site, at least temporarily, so she recognizes you easily. (You may have thought of that already, but since you're anon I figured I'd mention it.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:57 PM on January 16, 2009 [1 favorite]
But I myself have vaguely stalkerish tendencies, too.
This is going to be your biggest hurdle. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that people who Get the Internet will have no problem with this. If I put my name on a dating site with a unique handle that I also use for a website explicitly for connecting other people (Facebook), no I would not be surprised. In fact I'd probably be using that handle for the explicit purpose of how easy it is to google. But, I know plenty of completely rational, smart people who would think this is creepy, and think that merely taking the step to track you on another site is obsessive.
You don't really have much to lose, right? I would send a short, to the point message confirming identity to the one on the dating site.
Oh and girls get dirty messages all the time on Facebook, so I'm guessing if you're not sending "HEy who r u? ur hot" you already in a non-douche category.
posted by geoff. at 7:00 PM on January 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
This is going to be your biggest hurdle. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that people who Get the Internet will have no problem with this. If I put my name on a dating site with a unique handle that I also use for a website explicitly for connecting other people (Facebook), no I would not be surprised. In fact I'd probably be using that handle for the explicit purpose of how easy it is to google. But, I know plenty of completely rational, smart people who would think this is creepy, and think that merely taking the step to track you on another site is obsessive.
You don't really have much to lose, right? I would send a short, to the point message confirming identity to the one on the dating site.
Oh and girls get dirty messages all the time on Facebook, so I'm guessing if you're not sending "HEy who r u? ur hot" you already in a non-douche category.
posted by geoff. at 7:00 PM on January 16, 2009 [2 favorites]
If it was me, id be ok with it.
However, a friend of mine once had a bad experience using facebook info. He met a girl on Ok Cupid (which, if this girl doesnt pan out, i highly recommend, its a 100% FREE dating site thats quirky and fun, lots of 20-somethings on there, I met my last three boyfriends through it) and she gave him her facebook link and said to friend her. He did, and saw that she had her phone number listed on her profile. So, he called her, asking if she wanted to go out for coffee. She got really pissed that he had the audacity to call her on the phone number she publicly listed on the internet. Moral of the story: sometimes people dont realize how unprivate the internet is until it hits them in the face. But then, do you want to date that?
posted by CTORourke at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2009
However, a friend of mine once had a bad experience using facebook info. He met a girl on Ok Cupid (which, if this girl doesnt pan out, i highly recommend, its a 100% FREE dating site thats quirky and fun, lots of 20-somethings on there, I met my last three boyfriends through it) and she gave him her facebook link and said to friend her. He did, and saw that she had her phone number listed on her profile. So, he called her, asking if she wanted to go out for coffee. She got really pissed that he had the audacity to call her on the phone number she publicly listed on the internet. Moral of the story: sometimes people dont realize how unprivate the internet is until it hits them in the face. But then, do you want to date that?
posted by CTORourke at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2009
You don't have anything to lose--if she doesn't mind, you might get a date, and if she doesn't like it it's the same as if you never messaged her. It's not as though your sending her an unwanted Facebook message would cause her deep and lasting psychological trauma.
posted by phoenixy at 8:49 PM on January 16, 2009
posted by phoenixy at 8:49 PM on January 16, 2009
Seconding CTORourke, some people just don't understand that putting information online means anyone and a search engine can find it. The last time I found someone on one website (livejournal) using a handle they had told me they used on another website (flickr) they freaked out.
On the other hand, since you don't already know this person in real life what have you got to lose?
posted by PueExMachina at 9:07 PM on January 16, 2009
On the other hand, since you don't already know this person in real life what have you got to lose?
posted by PueExMachina at 9:07 PM on January 16, 2009
It's a touch weird but I think you have a reasonable story: she put a profile on a dating site so it's not like approaching her about potential is completely off base, you made an effort to contact her through a more conventional route, you followed a straightforward trail to locate her.
The only things I'd say are: though it may be belaboring the obvious, don't stress the fact that you paid up on the dating site solely to contact her as you did in this question - that could come off very creepish. A little self-effacing acknowledgment + flattery is probably a good approach e.g. "I know this may come off as a little strange but I was so taken with your great profile on X Dating Site that when my personal message through their system bounced back I took a chance and looked for your name on Facebook." Sort of thing. Giving a link to your profile on the site is also probably a good idea to validate the tale. It's easy enough for her to ignore it and obviously if that's the case you just drop it, but all in all it seems pretty harmless to me.
posted by nanojath at 9:13 PM on January 16, 2009
The only things I'd say are: though it may be belaboring the obvious, don't stress the fact that you paid up on the dating site solely to contact her as you did in this question - that could come off very creepish. A little self-effacing acknowledgment + flattery is probably a good approach e.g. "I know this may come off as a little strange but I was so taken with your great profile on X Dating Site that when my personal message through their system bounced back I took a chance and looked for your name on Facebook." Sort of thing. Giving a link to your profile on the site is also probably a good idea to validate the tale. It's easy enough for her to ignore it and obviously if that's the case you just drop it, but all in all it seems pretty harmless to me.
posted by nanojath at 9:13 PM on January 16, 2009
Are you absolutely positive that she had to actually take action to send back that canned response? I think it's totally possible that the system automatically generates that response whenever the person hasn't paid up enough to send a response back. That way, people know that they haven't been ignored. If you sent her a message and she never actually responded, this might come across as TOTALLY bizarre/stalkerish. If you know different for sure, then it's probably OK to send her an initial message.
posted by theantikitty at 9:26 PM on January 16, 2009
posted by theantikitty at 9:26 PM on January 16, 2009
I am a girl, and I should love this, in principle, as long as you aren't creepy about it. I was raised with very traditional ideas about courtship -- if a man is interested, he'll find you; this, to me, would just show that you really are interested rather than a time-waster like so many guys on dating sites are.
If you indicate, semi-jokingly and self-deprecatingly, that you know this could come off as kind of creepy but you really liked her profile and just wanted to blah blah blah, you should be fine.
Also, don't mention whatever thing you got that made you think maybe she was trying to send you a message, too; this, to me, would feel like you were trying to play "gotcha," like, "don't even try to deny that you're interested because I know you were trying to message me."
If you need a better definition of "creepy," let me know.
posted by thebazilist at 10:00 PM on January 16, 2009
If you indicate, semi-jokingly and self-deprecatingly, that you know this could come off as kind of creepy but you really liked her profile and just wanted to blah blah blah, you should be fine.
Also, don't mention whatever thing you got that made you think maybe she was trying to send you a message, too; this, to me, would feel like you were trying to play "gotcha," like, "don't even try to deny that you're interested because I know you were trying to message me."
If you need a better definition of "creepy," let me know.
posted by thebazilist at 10:00 PM on January 16, 2009
Go for it. I'm normally pretty cautious about approaching people online or in person but in this case you have nothing at all to lose.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 11:27 PM on January 16, 2009
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 11:27 PM on January 16, 2009
Personally, I wouldn't like being contacted on a site where I'm "me", by someone who tracked me down from a "handle" site. But something like this did happen to me once (someone recognized my photo, realized we had worked for the same company, and found my email through the company database). I was a little creeped out, but his note was charming and a little romantic, so I did end up going on a few dates with him, and he turned out to be really nice- we're still pals. So it can work.
My advice is to keep your Facebook note brief, funny and charming, framing your actions in a subtly romantic light (stress that the XYZ in her profile were so clever, or something, that you decided to go out on a limb and possibly embarass yourself by seeking her out on FB and you hope she doesn't mind). Compliment her profile without being too effusive, praising her writing & ideas- but go easy on the physical compliments in this first communication. And add a funny disclaimer about possible creepiness- without using the word "stalker"- maybe say something like, "I've never done anything like this before and I feel kinda sheepish. Baaa."
Be sure to include a link to your profile on the dating site, and any other websites you have, so she feels like she can research you & suss you out before she returns contact. And have a female friend or two vet your message for creepiness before you hit send.
And-- this is really important-- you only get one shot here. Send ONE message, and one only. If she doesn't respond in three days, that's a NO and you shouldn't contact her again-- or you really will be a stalker.
If she sends you back a message expressing lack of interest, you should write her back one more time with a short, polite, and conclusive response: "Thanks for getting back to me, and even though I'm disappointed you'd prefer not to meet, I totally respect your decision and appreciate your taking the time to let me know. You really do sound cool, this note proves it, and good luck to you!" That note is to set her mind at ease that you won't stalk her, so do make sure to send that one if you get a no.
Of course, if she says YES- game on, and good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:05 AM on January 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
My advice is to keep your Facebook note brief, funny and charming, framing your actions in a subtly romantic light (stress that the XYZ in her profile were so clever, or something, that you decided to go out on a limb and possibly embarass yourself by seeking her out on FB and you hope she doesn't mind). Compliment her profile without being too effusive, praising her writing & ideas- but go easy on the physical compliments in this first communication. And add a funny disclaimer about possible creepiness- without using the word "stalker"- maybe say something like, "I've never done anything like this before and I feel kinda sheepish. Baaa."
Be sure to include a link to your profile on the dating site, and any other websites you have, so she feels like she can research you & suss you out before she returns contact. And have a female friend or two vet your message for creepiness before you hit send.
And-- this is really important-- you only get one shot here. Send ONE message, and one only. If she doesn't respond in three days, that's a NO and you shouldn't contact her again-- or you really will be a stalker.
If she sends you back a message expressing lack of interest, you should write her back one more time with a short, polite, and conclusive response: "Thanks for getting back to me, and even though I'm disappointed you'd prefer not to meet, I totally respect your decision and appreciate your taking the time to let me know. You really do sound cool, this note proves it, and good luck to you!" That note is to set her mind at ease that you won't stalk her, so do make sure to send that one if you get a no.
Of course, if she says YES- game on, and good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:05 AM on January 17, 2009 [3 favorites]
I could easily be this person (registered on a dating site, never bothered paying for full usage, easily found on FB). I'd think it was a little weird and maybe even creepy at first but if everything else was right (no red flags on your profile, a well-written first email, invitation to coffee) then it wouldn't be a deal-breaker.
Yes to making your profile photo the same so that you're recognizable, ditto to NOT making a friend request. Since you're not asking to be friends on FB, don't forget to make your entire profile (minus the drunk photos) viewable to the public.
And if no one mentioned it, there is the possibility that she signed up to this dating site a long time ago but never deleted her profile there. Or tried, but they keep it visible to boost their numbers. She may have lost interest in online matchmaking or no longer be single.
posted by K.P. at 4:34 AM on January 17, 2009
Yes to making your profile photo the same so that you're recognizable, ditto to NOT making a friend request. Since you're not asking to be friends on FB, don't forget to make your entire profile (minus the drunk photos) viewable to the public.
And if no one mentioned it, there is the possibility that she signed up to this dating site a long time ago but never deleted her profile there. Or tried, but they keep it visible to boost their numbers. She may have lost interest in online matchmaking or no longer be single.
posted by K.P. at 4:34 AM on January 17, 2009
nth-ing: go ahead and send a note, and make sure it is brief, funny, and charming.
accompanying anecdote: someone found me in real life after seeing my profile somewhere on the wide wide world of the internets. he came to my place of business and handed me a 3 page letter in an envelope. at the time I was impressed by his ballsiness. later I was nonplussed by his ever-present verbosity.
posted by modernpoverty at 5:56 AM on January 17, 2009
accompanying anecdote: someone found me in real life after seeing my profile somewhere on the wide wide world of the internets. he came to my place of business and handed me a 3 page letter in an envelope. at the time I was impressed by his ballsiness. later I was nonplussed by his ever-present verbosity.
posted by modernpoverty at 5:56 AM on January 17, 2009
Yes, go for it. Just be short and sweet.
If she's into the internet and internet dating, she should be expecting and even hoping for people to look her up.
If she's not, she may be weirded out, but you have nothing to lose.
posted by Locochona at 11:49 AM on January 17, 2009
If she's into the internet and internet dating, she should be expecting and even hoping for people to look her up.
If she's not, she may be weirded out, but you have nothing to lose.
posted by Locochona at 11:49 AM on January 17, 2009
Quick question: Can you tell if she's single on the free networking site? It is VERY common for single people to post a profile, get bored OR meet somebody, forget they posted it or assume that at some point the service just hides/deletes it after they get busy doing other things. The service will eventually, but it's up to the person to take it down when he or she wants. It's possible she isn't single now and is dating somebody. Also, people commonly post profiles on every dating service available when they're fresh on the market, so to speak.
But, K.P., people don't TRY to hide their profiles and then the service keeps it visible to boost numbers (at least not in my almost six years' experience working for one service). Dating services have several numbers they work from, one being active registered users (and they do filter out all users who have registered but never posted a profile, those that haven't been active in 12 months, etc.), another being number of new profiles registered per week/day/year, another being number of success couples per year (success being defined by marriage, cohabitation, children being born... that sort of thing). It doesn't even make sense to force a profile to stay visible against a member's will; that would generate bad word-of-mouth for the service and possible legal action, so I'm not sure where you got that idea. I can't speak for all services categorically, but it isn't a good business model and it isn't ethical.
Fact is, from a business standpoint, more usernames available for people to register = better for the service, since nobody wants to be BobInTampa3314234 vs. RomanticTampaBob. This is true for everything from AOL to OkCupid or any other site that requires a username. Therefore, "retired" usernames get cycled back into the availability pool X amount of time after the profile becomes inactive, typically 12 months if the user simply abandons. I'm just stating the obvious, since I don't know where some of these weird ideas about Internet dating come from (except maybe from people who start rumors about them because they couldn't find somebody and end up bitter about it).
But back to the question... Yes, send her a note, tell her you saw her both places and were fascinated, wondered if she was still single, and if she'd like to meet or IM or talk or whatever. Be prepared for radio silence, though. At least you'll have your answer and right now you have nothing to lose.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:46 PM on January 17, 2009
But, K.P., people don't TRY to hide their profiles and then the service keeps it visible to boost numbers (at least not in my almost six years' experience working for one service). Dating services have several numbers they work from, one being active registered users (and they do filter out all users who have registered but never posted a profile, those that haven't been active in 12 months, etc.), another being number of new profiles registered per week/day/year, another being number of success couples per year (success being defined by marriage, cohabitation, children being born... that sort of thing). It doesn't even make sense to force a profile to stay visible against a member's will; that would generate bad word-of-mouth for the service and possible legal action, so I'm not sure where you got that idea. I can't speak for all services categorically, but it isn't a good business model and it isn't ethical.
Fact is, from a business standpoint, more usernames available for people to register = better for the service, since nobody wants to be BobInTampa3314234 vs. RomanticTampaBob. This is true for everything from AOL to OkCupid or any other site that requires a username. Therefore, "retired" usernames get cycled back into the availability pool X amount of time after the profile becomes inactive, typically 12 months if the user simply abandons. I'm just stating the obvious, since I don't know where some of these weird ideas about Internet dating come from (except maybe from people who start rumors about them because they couldn't find somebody and end up bitter about it).
But back to the question... Yes, send her a note, tell her you saw her both places and were fascinated, wondered if she was still single, and if she'd like to meet or IM or talk or whatever. Be prepared for radio silence, though. At least you'll have your answer and right now you have nothing to lose.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:46 PM on January 17, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Neofelis at 6:37 PM on January 16, 2009