Advice Needed: Child's Friend May Be Facing Eviction
April 22, 2024 5:31 PM Subscribe
My son has a classmate who may be facing eviction. He is in kindergarten. I would like to help. But if I'm wrong, still have the gesture be a nice thing that was done randomly. What would you do?
There are several signs that point to this but nothing definitive. His classmate talks about someone taking away their house and how they need money and how they have to get money. My son has offered the solution of making fake money and giving it to the man. If you were in this situation as a child, what would you have liked an adult to do?
There are several signs that point to this but nothing definitive. His classmate talks about someone taking away their house and how they need money and how they have to get money. My son has offered the solution of making fake money and giving it to the man. If you were in this situation as a child, what would you have liked an adult to do?
Came in to say what Sweetie Darling said. The guidance counselor, school social worker, and school psychologist should all have resources for exactly this.
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:16 PM on April 22 [5 favorites]
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:16 PM on April 22 [5 favorites]
Best answer: You've been given good advice above. There really isn't a lot more you can do, when you don't know the family, other than let other adults who may have options know what you've been told. If there are solutions that the parents are willing and able to access, maybe things will improve.
The reality is, the adults may be unwilling, or there may not be resources. So support your son, because he may have to watch a friend go through something painful, that's really above both of their level of understanding, and learn that sometimes, there is nothing he can do to help. That's a tough lesson at any age, let alone kindergarten.
Decide if play date invitations are an option. Ideally, no-cost and no-transportation-required on the part of the classmate's family. That might open another door for info (so long as you're willing to contact authorities if the info is seriously negative and not just financial - and a way to potentially maintain a friendship that could be entirely lost if a move happens suddenly.
The importance of stable friendships for gradeschoolers, especially younger ones, is seriously disregarded by a lot of adults... there tends to be more focus on adult desires than children's mental health. That damage can set patterns that never go away... and it might have started with something that was never even given relevance at the time.
posted by stormyteal at 6:36 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]
The reality is, the adults may be unwilling, or there may not be resources. So support your son, because he may have to watch a friend go through something painful, that's really above both of their level of understanding, and learn that sometimes, there is nothing he can do to help. That's a tough lesson at any age, let alone kindergarten.
Decide if play date invitations are an option. Ideally, no-cost and no-transportation-required on the part of the classmate's family. That might open another door for info (so long as you're willing to contact authorities if the info is seriously negative and not just financial - and a way to potentially maintain a friendship that could be entirely lost if a move happens suddenly.
The importance of stable friendships for gradeschoolers, especially younger ones, is seriously disregarded by a lot of adults... there tends to be more focus on adult desires than children's mental health. That damage can set patterns that never go away... and it might have started with something that was never even given relevance at the time.
posted by stormyteal at 6:36 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: So, a couple of things to add to the story. The parents of the classmate are good parents and have jobs. I looked up the name of one parent and there is a lawsuit involving the apartment. I don't want to embarrass them or their child but I do want to help.
posted by ichimunki at 6:54 PM on April 22
posted by ichimunki at 6:54 PM on April 22
His classmate talks about someone taking away their house and how they need money and how they have to get money.
If a 5 year old child is saying this when his parents do have resources, good jobs and enough income, and you know they are good parents, then most likely the child is overhearing things about the lawsuit he incompletely understands, picking up on his parents' anxiety and getting anxious about it in return without knowing exactly what's happening. While the parents might very well have financial and legal worries, and there may be financial or legal insecurity going on in the adult realm, this doesn't mean they are about to be destitute and on the street. I would not interpret this talk between the 5 year olds -- "how they have to get money" -- as evidence that the family is actually facing homelessness and bankruptcy.
Since you know they are actually good, responsible parents with jobs, I think it would be a good thing to talk to them, as the parent of their kid's friend. I would want to know. "Hey, my kid is reporting that your kid is expressing a lot of anxiety about money and where he's going to live. I thought you would want to know."
Then they can bring it up with their child, they might not have even realized he is picking up on what's going on.
posted by rainy day girl at 8:06 PM on April 22 [6 favorites]
If a 5 year old child is saying this when his parents do have resources, good jobs and enough income, and you know they are good parents, then most likely the child is overhearing things about the lawsuit he incompletely understands, picking up on his parents' anxiety and getting anxious about it in return without knowing exactly what's happening. While the parents might very well have financial and legal worries, and there may be financial or legal insecurity going on in the adult realm, this doesn't mean they are about to be destitute and on the street. I would not interpret this talk between the 5 year olds -- "how they have to get money" -- as evidence that the family is actually facing homelessness and bankruptcy.
Since you know they are actually good, responsible parents with jobs, I think it would be a good thing to talk to them, as the parent of their kid's friend. I would want to know. "Hey, my kid is reporting that your kid is expressing a lot of anxiety about money and where he's going to live. I thought you would want to know."
Then they can bring it up with their child, they might not have even realized he is picking up on what's going on.
posted by rainy day girl at 8:06 PM on April 22 [6 favorites]
Being good parents and making good money doesn't mean that you won't fall behind on a mortgage or rent (particularly in a high cost of living city). I wish people wouldn't make those assumptions, they aren't aligned with reality. The idea of going to the teacher and/or school counselor is a good one. They can check-in with the family and provide resources. My school district actually has an associated non-profit that raises money to help cover rent/mortgages for families who fall behind - check with your school's PTA, they may have something similar.
posted by Toddles at 8:17 PM on April 22 [7 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 8:17 PM on April 22 [7 favorites]
I personally would not want my child's friend's parents to go to the school to report on their suspected worries about my financial issues if I had other resources. I would want them to ask me, not base it on my kid saying "We need money" and them googling about my legal affairs. A lawsuit involving an apartment is NOT the same as falling behind in rent. If the parents have jobs and community, why would they need this from the well-intentioned OP? Seriously, what can a school guidance counselor do that professional people themselves can't do?Just saying. Perhaps the parents are people without resources or networks, and their jobs are precarious, that would be a different story. But believing that everyone who faces financial or legal difficulty wants this level of "help" from their kids' school is an assumption that would make a lot of people uncomfortable.
posted by rainy day girl at 8:21 PM on April 22 [9 favorites]
posted by rainy day girl at 8:21 PM on April 22 [9 favorites]
Yeah I appreciate the OP's desire to help but given the parents' basically stable status I would find it way overkill to leap from kindergartener talking vaguely this way to going to the school about another family's maybe possibly "facing eviction" and talking about their needing assistance from some school fund without their asking for help themselves!. Obviously people of all incomes can fall behind on their mortgage but the solution is not to run to their kids' school if you vaguely suspect that or something vaguely like that is maybe happening. Do you know for sure they don't have family help or other help? I personally would be mortified to have this done and discussed with my kids' school officials, without asking me first.
posted by little striped mule at 9:43 PM on April 22
posted by little striped mule at 9:43 PM on April 22
I would approach parents and say something like, "Kid made some statements that make me think you are going through some stress. If you ever need me to have him over for a play date or sleepover let me know." That would open the door for them to share if they feel like it.
posted by MadMadam at 4:43 AM on April 23 [10 favorites]
posted by MadMadam at 4:43 AM on April 23 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your feedback. Like many posters say, this is all vague so I don't want to act on something that may not be true. I will not go to the school or the parents. However, I would like to do something small to help in case it is true. And that something small could be interpreted as a nice gesture without all that back history stuff. So - something subtle to help a little kid. I am really liking the suggestion of a local play date somewhere nearby where I can take the kids and get them fun food (fries, ice cream, etc.). The kid in question is a pretty good artist so maybe they will want to craft together at a craft studio.
posted by ichimunki at 3:30 PM on April 23
posted by ichimunki at 3:30 PM on April 23
hi, I’m the mom of a kindergartner. I like your plans to hang out with kiddo but I suggest checking in on parents in a play date situation too. I’d want to know if my kid was misconstruing overheard chatter. I know you don’t want to confront parents but even a simple “hey kid mentioned they might be leaving their house - I don’t know if they’re interpreting right but I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything” might be nice to hear.
posted by anthropomorphic at 6:56 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]
posted by anthropomorphic at 6:56 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]
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For several years I was a weekly reading buddy for a little girl with a very unstable family situation: mom out of the picture, dad in and out, an older half-brother with mental illness who was next in line as her guardian. For three years she lived a few months at a time with different extended family, none of them particularly interested in supporting her. Over the years I befriended her teachers and the school guidance counselor, and several times I shared information with them when I was concerned about something she'd told me, for them to either to casually ask her for more details or to check with the adults at home. While they weren't allowed to share detailed follow-up information with me due to confidentiality laws, I had no hesitation to flex my status as a concerned adult to be an advocate for my buddy.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 6:14 PM on April 22 [14 favorites]