Gimme some nicknames. Dorks.
October 5, 2010 12:08 PM Subscribe
My (male) friend and I tend to flippantly call each other insulting nicknames for fun, kinda as a Jr. High flirty thing. Started with "Brat," then "Loser," then "Dork," then Turd." I need to switch it up and would like to have a list of totally impressive alternatives to pull out of my back pocket to throw him off guard when he least expects it... I need to get more creative and clever.
Short is good. A range of benign to sharp is fine, this is all about variety. I try to pretend I'm a delicate classy lady once in a while so if you also give me a variety of G-PG-X rated ones to choose from that would be fantastic. He's a bartender and a big fan of punk music if that helps to inspire you.
Okay, shoot.
Short is good. A range of benign to sharp is fine, this is all about variety. I try to pretend I'm a delicate classy lady once in a while so if you also give me a variety of G-PG-X rated ones to choose from that would be fantastic. He's a bartender and a big fan of punk music if that helps to inspire you.
Okay, shoot.
Feckless cad.
posted by phunniemee at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh, and he's originally from New York so if there's any good New York slang I don't know... that might totally shock him if I threw that out.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by miss lynnster at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010
Any vulgar plus "bucket" is solid; jerkbucket, assbucket, GlennBeckbucket, etc.
Any vulgar plus "face" is solid; fartface, assface, GlennBeckface, etc.
posted by elmer benson at 12:12 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
Any vulgar plus "face" is solid; fartface, assface, GlennBeckface, etc.
posted by elmer benson at 12:12 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
*Anything vulgar...
posted by elmer benson at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by elmer benson at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010
Or, if the political lean is right, just "Glenn Beck".
posted by maryr at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by maryr at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010
"buttplug breath" always stops them in their tracks...
posted by supermedusa at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by supermedusa at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mountebank!
Definitely use Putz.
I would reserve Dickless piece of shit for special occasions, but I have to include it because it's my favorite such insult.
Or how about: Fucknugget. It has a nice melodiously-insulting quality, I think.
posted by AugieAugustus at 12:14 PM on October 5, 2010
Definitely use Putz.
I would reserve Dickless piece of shit for special occasions, but I have to include it because it's my favorite such insult.
Or how about: Fucknugget. It has a nice melodiously-insulting quality, I think.
posted by AugieAugustus at 12:14 PM on October 5, 2010
Fuck knuckle.
Douchenozzle
Ratfuck
And the classic: jerk.
posted by nevercalm at 12:17 PM on October 5, 2010
Douchenozzle
Ratfuck
And the classic: jerk.
posted by nevercalm at 12:17 PM on October 5, 2010
Here in NYC , 3 favorite insults "jerk, moron and idiot." Calling someone a "tourist" is a major insult especially if they live in NYC. So, if your friend is being naive or clueless call him a tourist.
posted by Pineapplicious at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Pineapplicious at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Shakespearian insult generator.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, shoe, hump and skel are slang insults I've never heard outside NYC.
posted by nevercalm at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by nevercalm at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010
Every once in a while i call someone a 'lazy susan', and its pretty funny in that 'delicate lady' kind of way.
posted by Kololo at 12:19 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Kololo at 12:19 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
Two of my favorites, that I learned from Metafilter, are "Douchetruck" and the awesomely redundant "assbutt"
posted by bondcliff at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [11 favorites]
AssMaster, Bunghole, Choad, KnobGobbler, FartBlossom, Seminiferous tubule buttnoid
thx Beavis and Butthead
posted by wrnealis at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010
thx Beavis and Butthead
posted by wrnealis at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010
Barnacle butt.
posted by Windigo at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Windigo at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Acking fusshole?
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nut Goblin or Nut Gobbler either way, credit goes to South Park
posted by vincele at 12:23 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by vincele at 12:23 PM on October 5, 2010
Goober.
posted by Syllables at 12:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Syllables at 12:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Fat idiot" is a good one that really only works if they're not fat at all. I don't know why it's not as good as "fat fuck."
Unusual combinations of $insult-$body part or $nouns-for-$body part.. Dicks for brains. Shit for a dick. Piss ass. Glenn Beck for brains. Taint face. Cottage cheese lips. Anything.
posted by cmoj at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010
Unusual combinations of $insult-$body part or $nouns-for-$body part.. Dicks for brains. Shit for a dick. Piss ass. Glenn Beck for brains. Taint face. Cottage cheese lips. Anything.
posted by cmoj at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010
There's nothing more insulting than calling someone "muffin" or "cupcake" in a condescending tone.
posted by smitt at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by smitt at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
shitmittens, cocksocket, bottlenose, juiceboots, assneck, cheesedick.
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 PM on October 5, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 PM on October 5, 2010 [9 favorites]
crater face, puke breath
posted by Namlit at 12:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Namlit at 12:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
WANG!
Wang is my favorite. It's childish and funny. Makes me laugh every time.
They're not exactly short, but I like to add professional titles at the beginning of my offensive nicknames. Here are some examples, with extra nicknames!
Captain Dickweed
Professor Cuntsworth
Major Fuckface
Doctor Fartbreath
Admiral Wangtooth
Private Poopbrain
Et cetera. Though, if he's from New York, I don't know why you aren't calling him #1 Mets Fan all the time!
posted by two lights above the sea at 12:31 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Wang is my favorite. It's childish and funny. Makes me laugh every time.
They're not exactly short, but I like to add professional titles at the beginning of my offensive nicknames. Here are some examples, with extra nicknames!
Captain Dickweed
Professor Cuntsworth
Major Fuckface
Doctor Fartbreath
Admiral Wangtooth
Private Poopbrain
Et cetera. Though, if he's from New York, I don't know why you aren't calling him #1 Mets Fan all the time!
posted by two lights above the sea at 12:31 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
booger
pissant
shitneck
turd burglar
schnicknock
fuckwit
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010
pissant
shitneck
turd burglar
schnicknock
fuckwit
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010
a friend who was a cop used to get great insults from one of their drunk tank regulars. the one I remember best is "goo-gobbling gutterslut"
fucktard. shitstain.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
fucktard. shitstain.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wow! Double turd burglars!
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
schnook
wastrel
nogoodnik
ne'er-do-well
posted by Crane Shot at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
wastrel
nogoodnik
ne'er-do-well
posted by Crane Shot at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sitzpinkler. German for "one who sitz down to urinate." Means dweeb.
Could go well with your 'delicate classy lady' thing, so long as you cloak it in Southern Charm/Southern Passive-Aggressive Behaviour. "Oh, Steven, I do believe you are SUCH a sitzpinkler, and isn't it graaaaand of you!"
Go to his bar and call him 'garcon.'
posted by flibbertigibbet at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010
Could go well with your 'delicate classy lady' thing, so long as you cloak it in Southern Charm/Southern Passive-Aggressive Behaviour. "Oh, Steven, I do believe you are SUCH a sitzpinkler, and isn't it graaaaand of you!"
Go to his bar and call him 'garcon.'
posted by flibbertigibbet at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010
Willnut.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:36 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:36 PM on October 5, 2010
"Slackjawed cockthirsty cumdumpster" is my favorite thing to mentally project onto cars that cut me off on my bike ride home from work.
posted by Aizkolari at 12:37 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Aizkolari at 12:37 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Take any single-word insult and draw it out to a comical length, as if you're identifying something for someone else to see.
Dorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
Douuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuche!
2) When attacked by another person, respond like a stadium crowd taunting an opposing player that has just made a bad play. Bonus points for pointing and chanting in a reaction that is a complete non-sequitur following his insult.
Him: "Dipshit."
You: "AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:38 PM on October 5, 2010
Dorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!
Douuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuche!
2) When attacked by another person, respond like a stadium crowd taunting an opposing player that has just made a bad play. Bonus points for pointing and chanting in a reaction that is a complete non-sequitur following his insult.
Him: "Dipshit."
You: "AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:38 PM on October 5, 2010
Sheep teets.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 12:39 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 12:39 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm fond of dickwagon, buttlicker, and fartnugget. I also do a mean Beavis impression.
Generally any combination of curse words and body parts/bodily functions works pretty well in most situations.
posted by bedhead at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Generally any combination of curse words and body parts/bodily functions works pretty well in most situations.
posted by bedhead at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Anything vulgar plus "-farmer", "-monger", or "-spelunker" is solid. Cockfarmer, taintmonger, ass-spelunker.
I like a good non sequitur: Assbutt. Dillhole. Shitsock. Fucktoon.
Bartender? Hmmm. "Appletini!"
posted by clavicle at 12:43 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I like a good non sequitur: Assbutt. Dillhole. Shitsock. Fucktoon.
Bartender? Hmmm. "Appletini!"
posted by clavicle at 12:43 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
poop stain
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:45 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:45 PM on October 5, 2010
Donkey Raping Fucktard
Horse Fellator
Enema Eating Floozy
Disappointing Waste of Humanity
The Perfect Example of Why We Need To Put Some Bleach in the Gene Pool
Ignoramus
Cowardly Pickle
Slippery Eel
Small, just very... small.
Snakeoil Salesman
Brainless Nincompoop
Sheep Terrorist
Dirty Teeth (Dirty teeth? From all the shit you eat)
posted by Apoch at 12:49 PM on October 5, 2010
Horse Fellator
Enema Eating Floozy
Disappointing Waste of Humanity
The Perfect Example of Why We Need To Put Some Bleach in the Gene Pool
Ignoramus
Cowardly Pickle
Slippery Eel
Small, just very... small.
Snakeoil Salesman
Brainless Nincompoop
Sheep Terrorist
Dirty Teeth (Dirty teeth? From all the shit you eat)
posted by Apoch at 12:49 PM on October 5, 2010
Slut-monkey.
Son of a whore.
At one of my former workplaces, one of the guys had clever nicknames for everybody (Used behind their backs, mostly)
The Boy Wonder.
Pork Chop.
Ding-dong.
Asswipe.
Tweedledum and Tweedlestupid.
I got to be "Sarah the Stern but Just".
at least to my face...
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:50 PM on October 5, 2010
Son of a whore.
At one of my former workplaces, one of the guys had clever nicknames for everybody (Used behind their backs, mostly)
The Boy Wonder.
Pork Chop.
Ding-dong.
Asswipe.
Tweedledum and Tweedlestupid.
I got to be "Sarah the Stern but Just".
at least to my face...
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:50 PM on October 5, 2010
Fuckstick
Shit-for-brains
Chester
Shitheel
Dickless wonder
Ball-sniffer
Ex-wife
Skid mark
posted by skypieces at 12:54 PM on October 5, 2010
Shit-for-brains
Chester
Shitheel
Dickless wonder
Ball-sniffer
Ex-wife
Skid mark
posted by skypieces at 12:54 PM on October 5, 2010
republicanfucker (vary based on his politics, of course)
shitfuck
mitch (for use in place of bitch)
brittanyfan
fuckingposer
short sip of pbr
goatfucker
ballicker
lover of teabags
dirtyshorts
Does he have an annoying co-worker or anyone in his life that you know of? Call him by their name, in just the right town, with a grin on your face.
When the other person is being what they think is particularly brilliant, it's good to laugh and say "You're so smart, um, *snapping fingers* yeah, don't tell me, I'll remember it...and then finally say someone else's name"
posted by nomadicink at 12:59 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
shitfuck
mitch (for use in place of bitch)
brittanyfan
fuckingposer
short sip of pbr
goatfucker
ballicker
lover of teabags
dirtyshorts
Does he have an annoying co-worker or anyone in his life that you know of? Call him by their name, in just the right town, with a grin on your face.
When the other person is being what they think is particularly brilliant, it's good to laugh and say "You're so smart, um, *snapping fingers* yeah, don't tell me, I'll remember it...and then finally say someone else's name"
posted by nomadicink at 12:59 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Pigtits
posted by hermitosis at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by hermitosis at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010
a personal favorite from my childhood: fathead on patrol!
posted by bobafet at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by bobafet at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010
R
Sir Squeaky Tickledick of Gonad
Wilde-bitch (ala Wildebeest)
'Tardzan
Smegma
Moron the Annoyer
G + PG
Sizzle chest
Bacon bits
Tazmanian Dorkwad
Liver lips
posted by Debaser626 at 1:02 PM on October 5, 2010
Sir Squeaky Tickledick of Gonad
Wilde-bitch (ala Wildebeest)
'Tardzan
Smegma
Moron the Annoyer
G + PG
Sizzle chest
Bacon bits
Tazmanian Dorkwad
Liver lips
posted by Debaser626 at 1:02 PM on October 5, 2010
OH! I forgot one of my all-time bests. I actually came up with this one myself...
"Poster-child for a woman's right to choose"
Yeah. I should probably be ashamed of myself.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:03 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Poster-child for a woman's right to choose"
Yeah. I should probably be ashamed of myself.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:03 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
g-rated: doodybutt, corroded
See also many things from the Simpsons, usually from Burns or Smithers. Improvident lackwit, disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery, goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds, anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes, Betsy Bleedingheart, Maynard G. Muskievote, blundering numbskull, cheese-eating surrender monkey, Johnny Lunchpail, kwyjibo, Joey Jo-Jo Jr Shabadoo, Ho-Ju, senseless dunderpate, carbon blob, drone, organ donor, lavatory linksman, fork and spoon operator,
not so g-rated: cum-belching gutter-slut, santorum
any of the various mostly-fictional repellent sexual practices: shut up, you Cleveland Steamer! Choke on your own puke, Filthy Sanchez!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:10 PM on October 5, 2010
See also many things from the Simpsons, usually from Burns or Smithers. Improvident lackwit, disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery, goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds, anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes, Betsy Bleedingheart, Maynard G. Muskievote, blundering numbskull, cheese-eating surrender monkey, Johnny Lunchpail, kwyjibo, Joey Jo-Jo Jr Shabadoo, Ho-Ju, senseless dunderpate, carbon blob, drone, organ donor, lavatory linksman, fork and spoon operator,
not so g-rated: cum-belching gutter-slut, santorum
any of the various mostly-fictional repellent sexual practices: shut up, you Cleveland Steamer! Choke on your own puke, Filthy Sanchez!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:10 PM on October 5, 2010
my eyes, they burn
posted by gadha at 1:11 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by gadha at 1:11 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Useless syphilitic mangy crotch-dropping.
i may have inappropriate love for this thread
posted by zennish at 1:13 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
i may have inappropriate love for this thread
posted by zennish at 1:13 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
nimrod, myron
posted by goethean at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by goethean at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
At last, an excuse to say "regurgitated cum bubble" on Metafilter. My life is now complete.
posted by theichibun at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by theichibun at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [6 favorites]
smegma licker usually stops people in their tracks.
posted by stormpooper at 1:15 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by stormpooper at 1:15 PM on October 5, 2010
The whole "X McX" meme, while incredibly juvenile, does allow for a great deal of variability depending on the situation.
Examples:
"Retard McTardypants" - general idiocy
"Pissy McHissyfit" - overreaction
You get the idea.
posted by elendil71 at 1:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Examples:
"Retard McTardypants" - general idiocy
"Pissy McHissyfit" - overreaction
You get the idea.
posted by elendil71 at 1:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've used both muppet-toucher and turd-fondler recently.
posted by Shohn at 1:20 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Shohn at 1:20 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
You could learn a bit -- style as well as content of vulgar insults -- by watching Ian McShane go at it in the late lamented series Deadwood.
posted by aught at 1:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by aught at 1:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
noodleloaf (thank you Bill Waterson)
maroon
toe cheese
kneebiter (invented for the US edition of HGTTG apparently)
posted by that's candlepin at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2010
maroon
toe cheese
kneebiter (invented for the US edition of HGTTG apparently)
posted by that's candlepin at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2010
Since he's from New York, a little Yiddish wouldn't go amiss: Putz, as mentioned upthread, or the classic 'schmuck'.
posted by deadmessenger at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by deadmessenger at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2010
Mom used to call other drivers "ratfink" when we were too young to hear what she was really thinking. Now it's always the first thing to pop into my head when I'm frustrated with somebody.
posted by vytae at 1:27 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by vytae at 1:27 PM on October 5, 2010
Yeasty rump-fed puttock
smeg head
scaramouche
pultroon
bashibazouk
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 1:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
smeg head
scaramouche
pultroon
bashibazouk
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 1:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My dear, gentle mother, who likes to arrange flowers and drink tea, roadragily choked out the word "dildarse!" when she was cut off in traffic the other day.
DILDARSE.
posted by Sallyfur at 1:32 PM on October 5, 2010 [18 favorites]
DILDARSE.
posted by Sallyfur at 1:32 PM on October 5, 2010 [18 favorites]
I like really random stuff like goat-groper and noodle-toucher and pope-fondler and pudding-sniffer and monkey-licker.
And hamfucker, for special occasions.
posted by elizardbits at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
And hamfucker, for special occasions.
posted by elizardbits at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
also, derisively, gherkin
posted by Namlit at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Namlit at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
puke nuts
shit nuts
fuck nuts
vagina nuts
dick nuts
anything + nuts
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
shit nuts
fuck nuts
vagina nuts
dick nuts
anything + nuts
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
Just call him Zachary.
As in: his face looks zachary like his arse.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
As in: his face looks zachary like his arse.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
nevercalm: "hump"
And here I always thought that hump was a Chicago-ism.
Maroon
Little Lord Fauntleroy
Comemierda (spanish, and sort of rude. literally: "shit-eater")
Macaca (careful with this one. sounds vaguely scatalogical but isn't)
posted by jquinby at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
And here I always thought that hump was a Chicago-ism.
Maroon
Little Lord Fauntleroy
Comemierda (spanish, and sort of rude. literally: "shit-eater")
Macaca (careful with this one. sounds vaguely scatalogical but isn't)
posted by jquinby at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
Also, "thrawn, ill-feckit gaberlunzie" will always have a special place in my heart.
posted by elizardbits at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by elizardbits at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010
Mary.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Bridge & Tunnel (B&T) is a great NYC insult, if he's from the city.
Or cumdumpster.... You can't lose with cumdumpster.
posted by scwebd at 1:36 PM on October 5, 2010
Or cumdumpster.... You can't lose with cumdumpster.
posted by scwebd at 1:36 PM on October 5, 2010
Just play a few games of mario kart together. They'll come naturally.
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010
I like anything with balls in it, and made up words. Hairy ball sack, ballhornigus, ball-jizzler, balls on your chin, etc. I'm not quite sure why....
posted by Go Banana at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by Go Banana at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010
I once sent my kids (who grew up with Dutch and Swedish) into a roaring laughter fit when I called another driver (in my native German) Arschkeks. Butt-cookie.
[also: replace second , with : in my previous post]
[[on preview: man, this goes fast!]]
posted by Namlit at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
[also: replace second , with : in my previous post]
[[on preview: man, this goes fast!]]
posted by Namlit at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Scrote
posted by Rat Spatula at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by Rat Spatula at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010
when we were little my sisters and I used to call each other "fart knocker."
posted by Sara Anne at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by Sara Anne at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010
my favs:
slimey son of a dog!
stubborn mule!
scurvy knave!
cornflakes eater!
And for some reason (probably from reading too much manga) I've picked up "baldy!" and "perv!"
but that only works if they're not really bald or saying anything perverted...
posted by patheral at 1:45 PM on October 5, 2010
slimey son of a dog!
stubborn mule!
scurvy knave!
cornflakes eater!
And for some reason (probably from reading too much manga) I've picked up "baldy!" and "perv!"
but that only works if they're not really bald or saying anything perverted...
posted by patheral at 1:45 PM on October 5, 2010
Two-syllable:
Dillweed, dillhole, sleazeball
One-syllable:
poop, beef, lump, skeeze, scamp
posted by sarahj at 1:49 PM on October 5, 2010
Dillweed, dillhole, sleazeball
One-syllable:
poop, beef, lump, skeeze, scamp
posted by sarahj at 1:49 PM on October 5, 2010
cum-rag
scrote
whore
slut
pigzass
All of these either preceded by muthufukn or with muthufukr appended ie south-side cockbite muthufukr
Look him dead on and spit it out harsh -- if you wanna act like a blue-collar fuck, don't play
posted by dancestoblue at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2010
scrote
whore
slut
pigzass
All of these either preceded by muthufukn or with muthufukr appended ie south-side cockbite muthufukr
Look him dead on and spit it out harsh -- if you wanna act like a blue-collar fuck, don't play
posted by dancestoblue at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2010
Doucher
Crotchknuckle
Knucklebutt
Biscuithead
Scurvy Dog
Foolish Mortal
Assblaster
Cheesequake
Chisel Chest
posted by Citrus at 1:55 PM on October 5, 2010
Crotchknuckle
Knucklebutt
Biscuithead
Scurvy Dog
Foolish Mortal
Assblaster
Cheesequake
Chisel Chest
posted by Citrus at 1:55 PM on October 5, 2010
fuckbutton
titsmeller
asswhisperer
Newt Gingrich (I have no beef with Newt. Just like his name)
posted by MustardTent at 1:56 PM on October 5, 2010
titsmeller
asswhisperer
Newt Gingrich (I have no beef with Newt. Just like his name)
posted by MustardTent at 1:56 PM on October 5, 2010
Pud
Pudwhacker
Dipshit
Dickweed
Dickface
I think, overall, "turd" is my favorite. Calling someone a turd is so childish, how can they get mad at you? Also, it brings to mind the excellent Steve Martin short short history of Turdsmania, "Turds". A quote:
he Turds never became accepted in this country because of their name. The Turds, or people from Turdsmania, were people of healthy stock. They were tall, with long straight hair; the men robust, the women bold and beautiful. The first Turds arrived on these shores in fifteen eighty-nine, one year after the defeat of the Spanish Armada. They were unjustly blamed for the defeat of the Spanish Fleet when a Spanish admiral remarked, "No wonder we lost, we had a bunch of turds managing our cannons!"
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010
Pudwhacker
Dipshit
Dickweed
Dickface
I think, overall, "turd" is my favorite. Calling someone a turd is so childish, how can they get mad at you? Also, it brings to mind the excellent Steve Martin short short history of Turdsmania, "Turds". A quote:
he Turds never became accepted in this country because of their name. The Turds, or people from Turdsmania, were people of healthy stock. They were tall, with long straight hair; the men robust, the women bold and beautiful. The first Turds arrived on these shores in fifteen eighty-nine, one year after the defeat of the Spanish Armada. They were unjustly blamed for the defeat of the Spanish Fleet when a Spanish admiral remarked, "No wonder we lost, we had a bunch of turds managing our cannons!"
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010
Suggested by my friend: Combine insults (and/or vulgarities) with breakfast foods like cuntwaffle, fuckmuffin.
Latinify everything. Dorkus. Retardicus. Nerdius Maximus. Etc.
Call him a woman's name, or a term of endearment usually reserved for a man talking to a woman.
Apple infringement! iDork, iMoron, iBooger.
i am also having inappropriate love for this thread ala zennish
...and gave myself an asthma attack from laughing.
posted by Heretical at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Latinify everything. Dorkus. Retardicus. Nerdius Maximus. Etc.
Call him a woman's name, or a term of endearment usually reserved for a man talking to a woman.
Apple infringement! iDork, iMoron, iBooger.
i am also having inappropriate love for this thread ala zennish
...and gave myself an asthma attack from laughing.
posted by Heretical at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh and Wibbler!
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:59 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:59 PM on October 5, 2010
bitchnuts is one I spontaneously used the other day. No idea where i got that one from...
posted by romakimmy at 2:02 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by romakimmy at 2:02 PM on October 5, 2010
Any chance to pass on my absolute favorite loquacious quip: pope-felcher
posted by carsonb at 2:03 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by carsonb at 2:03 PM on October 5, 2010
I have a general rule that any word can be made an order of magnitude more vulgar by adding the prefix -hole. Use it liberally with your friendhole.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
also, assbag.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
git.
posted by scruss at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by scruss at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
As an alternative to "shitface", I once addressed one of my friends as "faecesfeatures". I thought this was hilariously inventive, and then he replied by calling me "excretavisage".
posted by raspberry-ripple at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by raspberry-ripple at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010
Rapscallion.
Scalawag.
Scoundrel.
Fop.
Ruffian.
Dunderhead.
Dunce.
Four-flusher.
Mongrel.
Philistine.
Lout.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Scalawag.
Scoundrel.
Fop.
Ruffian.
Dunderhead.
Dunce.
Four-flusher.
Mongrel.
Philistine.
Lout.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I found this one on a bathroom wall of a truck stop outside of Chattanooga:
Needle-dick bug-fucker.
I use it every chance I get.
posted by teleri025 at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Needle-dick bug-fucker.
I use it every chance I get.
posted by teleri025 at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Cock bite
Twat suck
Taint licker
Twat stink
Dick cheese
Butt cheese
Butt crust
Dingleberry
Needle dick
Bitch boy
Harry Palmer
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:07 PM on October 5, 2010
Twat suck
Taint licker
Twat stink
Dick cheese
Butt cheese
Butt crust
Dingleberry
Needle dick
Bitch boy
Harry Palmer
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:07 PM on October 5, 2010
Dingus.
posted by entropicamericana at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by entropicamericana at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My favourite from Deadwood was "you motherless fucking whore."
posted by Beardman at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Beardman at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, you could get 18th Century on his ass: saucy jackanapes.
posted by Beardman at 2:10 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by Beardman at 2:10 PM on October 5, 2010
Prat
Unexpected Queef: an embarrassment. Usage -"You're such an unexpected queef."
This thread is challenging. Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to try to work 'muppet-toucher' into conversation this week? I live in pope-felching Rome, FFS...
posted by romakimmy at 2:13 PM on October 5, 2010
Unexpected Queef: an embarrassment. Usage -"You're such an unexpected queef."
This thread is challenging. Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to try to work 'muppet-toucher' into conversation this week? I live in pope-felching Rome, FFS...
posted by romakimmy at 2:13 PM on October 5, 2010
If you're not down for the religious reaming, there's always the classic character names:
If he's just hanging around call him Chad.
If he, like, TOTALLY FLIPS OUT call him Jerry (Maguire).
If he trips or stumbles call him Grace.
If he fails miserably call him Ace.
And so on. Names have meanings. You can invariably fit his actions/words to a jokey name or character.
Also, seconding 'Doc' but you have to be gnawing on a carrot when you say it.
posted by carsonb at 2:15 PM on October 5, 2010
If he's just hanging around call him Chad.
If he, like, TOTALLY FLIPS OUT call him Jerry (Maguire).
If he trips or stumbles call him Grace.
If he fails miserably call him Ace.
And so on. Names have meanings. You can invariably fit his actions/words to a jokey name or character.
Also, seconding 'Doc' but you have to be gnawing on a carrot when you say it.
posted by carsonb at 2:15 PM on October 5, 2010
munching wanktoaster
(from "Kraken", by China Mieville)
posted by madmethods at 2:17 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
(from "Kraken", by China Mieville)
posted by madmethods at 2:17 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ass maggot
Fuck stain
Booger munch
Snot lip
Snot Face (from Drop Dead Fred)
Dog breath
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:27 PM on October 5, 2010
Fuck stain
Booger munch
Snot lip
Snot Face (from Drop Dead Fred)
Dog breath
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:27 PM on October 5, 2010
I used to have a roommate who we nicknamed "Ass Stallion"
"Sprew" used to get thrown around a lot, too.
posted by Dojie at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Sprew" used to get thrown around a lot, too.
posted by Dojie at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're a delicate classy lady you say? How about calling him a pantywaist? (One of my exes lived with his grandma, who taught us this gem.)
Lately though I'm just fond of calling people buttplug.
posted by lblair at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Lately though I'm just fond of calling people buttplug.
posted by lblair at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dicknibbler
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 2:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 2:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Cunt (saying to a man makes me laugh uncontrollably because they are so shocked and have nothing to say after the fact...plus it is one of my favorite words)
Dildonian (I call one of my guy friends this because he is a man whore)
Cumguzzler
douchebag
hairy choad
shitface
ask him where is mangina is
diarrheahead
meatshit
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dildonian (I call one of my guy friends this because he is a man whore)
Cumguzzler
douchebag
hairy choad
shitface
ask him where is mangina is
diarrheahead
meatshit
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
also...
afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck
sausage fingers
twat
bloody tampon eater
pencil dick
floppy tits
pansy
doo doo head
bubblenuts
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:53 PM on October 5, 2010
afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck
sausage fingers
twat
bloody tampon eater
pencil dick
floppy tits
pansy
doo doo head
bubblenuts
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:53 PM on October 5, 2010
Varlet. Cream faced loon. Doddering fenstruck dewberry. The last one is from Family Guy, I believe, although it sounds suitably Shakespearian.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 3:02 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 3:02 PM on October 5, 2010
oh, I skipped right over the part where you said he likes punk music. call him preppy.
also: snotgobbler, scallywag, toe jam, fuck knuckle.
this thread wins the internet today.
posted by bedhead at 3:03 PM on October 5, 2010
also: snotgobbler, scallywag, toe jam, fuck knuckle.
this thread wins the internet today.
posted by bedhead at 3:03 PM on October 5, 2010
Wow! Double turd burglars!
My favorite from Beavis & Butthead is: butt burglar.
From Futurama (Bender): meatbag.
Earthling.
posted by neuron at 3:08 PM on October 5, 2010
My favorite from Beavis & Butthead is: butt burglar.
From Futurama (Bender): meatbag.
Earthling.
posted by neuron at 3:08 PM on October 5, 2010
This answer was actually posted by my husband, who neglected to log me out before he commented.
Which has somehow inspired me to come up with a few answers of my own. I've been dealing with little kids all day, so I'll fill in a few on the PG end of the spectrum:
Dufus
Doorknob
Pustule
Lemon-Sucker
Dork-Melon
Snot-Slinger
Booger-Muncher
And my five-year-old's favorite . . . Poopyhead with poop on your head!
posted by Dojie at 3:09 PM on October 5, 2010
Which has somehow inspired me to come up with a few answers of my own. I've been dealing with little kids all day, so I'll fill in a few on the PG end of the spectrum:
Dufus
Doorknob
Pustule
Lemon-Sucker
Dork-Melon
Snot-Slinger
Booger-Muncher
And my five-year-old's favorite . . . Poopyhead with poop on your head!
posted by Dojie at 3:09 PM on October 5, 2010
Here's a few that play particularly to his punk leanings:
poser
trust fund
billie joe
hoppus
tourist
posted by 256 at 3:42 PM on October 5, 2010
poser
trust fund
billie joe
hoppus
tourist
posted by 256 at 3:42 PM on October 5, 2010
My good friend and I do the same thing. My pet name for her is "Ass munch"
posted by mooza at 3:58 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by mooza at 3:58 PM on October 5, 2010
Heh! My brother and I (in our forties) still crank-call each other just to call each other "Sweat-sucking Butt-Muncher!"
posted by Jazz Hands at 4:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jazz Hands at 4:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Go English on him. Have a browse through the Profanisaurus
E.g Blanket welder (wanker)
posted by i_cola at 4:26 PM on October 5, 2010
E.g Blanket welder (wanker)
posted by i_cola at 4:26 PM on October 5, 2010
Not sure this was mentioned yet and it isn't terribly creative, but when I was in NJ elementary school (and before I knew what it meant), everyone was a "jerk off".
posted by murrey at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by murrey at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010
Dirty, musty, crusty critter
(Got that from watching two teenage girls scream insults at each other on the 7 train. After each pass, they would collapse into a hysterical clapping/stomping frenzy. A bunch of teenage boys near them were thrown into total awe and started chanting "Head to head! Taint to taint!" like on Dance 360.)
posted by amillionbillion at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Got that from watching two teenage girls scream insults at each other on the 7 train. After each pass, they would collapse into a hysterical clapping/stomping frenzy. A bunch of teenage boys near them were thrown into total awe and started chanting "Head to head! Taint to taint!" like on Dance 360.)
posted by amillionbillion at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My all time favorite is "Scrotum Strokin' Shaft Shiner" but that is only to be used in extreme circumstances.
For general purposes, as stated above, you must suffix everything with "nuts". Although some of the examples above are good, they can be taken to the next level, as pointed out below, in ascending order of potency:
dumb-nuts
fumble-nuts
dingle-nuts
jungle-nuts
fuck-nuts
and the ultimate......
crack-nuts
posted by jasondigitized at 5:04 PM on October 5, 2010
For general purposes, as stated above, you must suffix everything with "nuts". Although some of the examples above are good, they can be taken to the next level, as pointed out below, in ascending order of potency:
dumb-nuts
fumble-nuts
dingle-nuts
jungle-nuts
fuck-nuts
and the ultimate......
crack-nuts
posted by jasondigitized at 5:04 PM on October 5, 2010
wow so many seventh graders!
Hmmm, don't see snotsucker or son of camel or pbbbbzzzt-head
posted by sammyo at 5:08 PM on October 5, 2010
Hmmm, don't see snotsucker or son of camel or pbbbbzzzt-head
posted by sammyo at 5:08 PM on October 5, 2010
"busted valise" is big in my circle....
"What do you expect? The guy's a total busted valise."
posted by nevercalm at 5:24 PM on October 5, 2010
"What do you expect? The guy's a total busted valise."
posted by nevercalm at 5:24 PM on October 5, 2010
With my friends it's usually someone walking into the room and saying, "Whats the fuck is up you __________'s."
Personally, I like:
Fucknuts
Bunch of filthy quiffs
Shitheads (never goes out of style)
posted by fso at 5:38 PM on October 5, 2010
Personally, I like:
Fucknuts
Bunch of filthy quiffs
Shitheads (never goes out of style)
posted by fso at 5:38 PM on October 5, 2010
In a college psychology textbook, I read the following "all animals, even those with only ganglia for brains respond to pain."
I immediately adopted the insult, ganglia for brains!
Rump-roast-brain-head if you are feeling juvenile.
Mouthbreather
posted by Invoke at 5:52 PM on October 5, 2010
I immediately adopted the insult, ganglia for brains!
Rump-roast-brain-head if you are feeling juvenile.
Mouthbreather
posted by Invoke at 5:52 PM on October 5, 2010
Chubby the Fat (takeoff on Jabba the Hut)
Slack and idle crow
Horrible little man
Waste of skin
Waste of air
Daddy Uncle
Uncle Pervie
Rust encrusted
Klingon, circling around Uranus
posted by raising_arizona at 6:15 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Slack and idle crow
Horrible little man
Waste of skin
Waste of air
Daddy Uncle
Uncle Pervie
Rust encrusted
Klingon, circling around Uranus
posted by raising_arizona at 6:15 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Canal of Schlemm! (forgot that one)
posted by raising_arizona at 6:16 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by raising_arizona at 6:16 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ooh! Fun! You should get all scientific on his ass:
"Lepton"
"Boson"
"Bottom quark"
posted by schrodycat at 6:23 PM on October 5, 2010
"Lepton"
"Boson"
"Bottom quark"
posted by schrodycat at 6:23 PM on October 5, 2010
A friend and I have a similar routine, where we greet each other with innocuous sobriquets delivered insultingly.
"Whussup, Pork Plate?"
"Yo, Charm School!"
"Hey, Gigglebritches."
"Hey Cottontail, where's Flopsy and Mopsy?"
(On review, this is probably only amusing to me and him...)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
"Whussup, Pork Plate?"
"Yo, Charm School!"
"Hey, Gigglebritches."
"Hey Cottontail, where's Flopsy and Mopsy?"
(On review, this is probably only amusing to me and him...)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
Booger-butt and fart-face were old standbys when I was a kid.
posted by defreckled at 7:12 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by defreckled at 7:12 PM on October 5, 2010
I always enjoyed teasing my friends with variants of [Insult] Mc[Insult]. Usually about being fat, since of course they were, in reality, not overweight at all.
For example,
posted by Zephyrial at 8:08 PM on October 5, 2010
For example,
- Fatty McFatFat
- Chunky McEats-a-Lot
- Gordo McSnackSnack
posted by Zephyrial at 8:08 PM on October 5, 2010
Knuckle dragger
Roid meister
Ball sack
Chronic masturbator
posted by raising_arizona at 8:09 PM on October 5, 2010
Roid meister
Ball sack
Chronic masturbator
posted by raising_arizona at 8:09 PM on October 5, 2010
I find "herb" wonderfully dismissive. Also totally G rated.
"Slob" is also a good one that manages to be polite and nasty at the same time.
And I love Liz Lemon's delivery of "nerd."
posted by en forme de poire at 8:18 PM on October 5, 2010
"Slob" is also a good one that manages to be polite and nasty at the same time.
And I love Liz Lemon's delivery of "nerd."
posted by en forme de poire at 8:18 PM on October 5, 2010
Oh, also! "Amateur."
posted by en forme de poire at 8:20 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by en forme de poire at 8:20 PM on October 5, 2010
I've always been fond of the schwa. Buttpuzzle. Pudbucket. Cuntcluster. Cumbungler. Nunguzzler. You get the idea.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
From South Park, the Movie: donkey raping shit-eater or uncle fucker (as in, 'Shut your fucking face, uncle-fucker')
Mr. Burns-esque: 'You work-shirking lackadaisy!'
posted by Ghidorah at 8:25 PM on October 5, 2010
Mr. Burns-esque: 'You work-shirking lackadaisy!'
posted by Ghidorah at 8:25 PM on October 5, 2010
Co bag (as in colostomy bag)
posted by raising_arizona at 8:32 PM on October 5, 2010
posted by raising_arizona at 8:32 PM on October 5, 2010
Nong, dill, bastard, ratbag, dickhead - alone or in combinations.
If he gets all pissy, he's instantly The Incredible Sulk (don't make me cranky. You won't like me when I'm cranky).
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he gets all pissy, he's instantly The Incredible Sulk (don't make me cranky. You won't like me when I'm cranky).
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
You sir, are a scoundrel, a vagabond, and a feckless cad. I should beat you with my stick.
posted by Ahab at 1:55 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by Ahab at 1:55 AM on October 6, 2010
Idiothole.
posted by hot soup girl at 2:11 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by hot soup girl at 2:11 AM on October 6, 2010
These nicknames are mostly affectionate, but I'm sure you could find some that suit your fancy given the right context.
posted by hubs at 2:12 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by hubs at 2:12 AM on October 6, 2010
I'm trying not to swear at work, and I have taken much solace in calling people turkeys. You can inject a lot of venom into the first syllable. Goddamn TURKEY!!
posted by indienial at 3:20 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by indienial at 3:20 AM on October 6, 2010
New York, huh? How about the ol' Yiddish favorites, yutz or putz? And not names, but adjectives, fakakte and meshuggeneh? So satisfying physically to say...
posted by ifjuly at 7:19 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by ifjuly at 7:19 AM on October 6, 2010
Clownfucker!
posted by a young man in spats at 7:30 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by a young man in spats at 7:30 AM on October 6, 2010
Definitely go yiddish on him: schmuck, schlemele, schlemazel.
Also I've always had affection for pencil neck geek.
posted by jasper411 at 8:39 AM on October 6, 2010
Also I've always had affection for pencil neck geek.
posted by jasper411 at 8:39 AM on October 6, 2010
Work in political names as curses, like boehner, cheney, or limbaugh (if your friend's politics lean to the left these might be fun) -- "You creepy little boehner-fucker," "You're a lying baboon-heart thieving son of a cheney," or "Go to hell, you stinking slice of spoiled limbaugh."
posted by aught at 8:46 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by aught at 8:46 AM on October 6, 2010
In middle school, one of our vocabulary words was "dorsal fin." Minutes later, a kid piped up and said "Jerry, you're such a dorsal fin."
With the right inflection, it is perfect.
posted by Turkey Glue at 10:37 AM on October 6, 2010
With the right inflection, it is perfect.
posted by Turkey Glue at 10:37 AM on October 6, 2010
Ok, read through this entire thread, these haven't been mentioned:
assjack
buttwrangler
fucknoodle
giggletaint
posted by eurasian at 10:43 AM on October 6, 2010
assjack
buttwrangler
fucknoodle
giggletaint
posted by eurasian at 10:43 AM on October 6, 2010
-snuggler, -smuggler, -farmer, -packer:
- butt snuggler
- bone smuggler, ass smuggler, fudge smuggler
- douche farmer, ass farmer, butt farmer, fudge farmer, dick farmer, etc.
- (advanced) douche-dick ass-smuggler, ass-packing fudge farmer
* note - these get 100x funnier when alcohol is involved.
posted by blahtsk at 10:59 AM on October 6, 2010
- butt snuggler
- bone smuggler, ass smuggler, fudge smuggler
- douche farmer, ass farmer, butt farmer, fudge farmer, dick farmer, etc.
- (advanced) douche-dick ass-smuggler, ass-packing fudge farmer
* note - these get 100x funnier when alcohol is involved.
posted by blahtsk at 10:59 AM on October 6, 2010
Hergé to the rescue:
From Captain Haddock's Expletives:
— the first appearance of the Haddockian argot occurred in a scene in The Crab with the Golden Claws where the Captain storms towards a party of Berber raiders yelling expressions like 'jellyfish', 'troglodyte' and 'ectoplasm'.
...
In addition to his many insults, the most famous of Haddock's expressions relate to any of a number of permutations of two phrases: "Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!" ("Mille millions de mille milliards de mille sabords!") and "Ten thousand thundering typhoons!" ("Tonnerre de Brest!"). Haddock uses these two expressions to such an extent that Abdullah actually addresses him as "Blistering Barnacles" ("Mille sabords" in the original version).
A word of caution, however:
Émile Brami, biographer of Louis-Ferdinand Céline, claimed in a 2004 interview with the French book magazine Lire that Hergé took his inspiration from Céline's antisemitic pamphlet Bagatelles pour un massacre (1937) to create some of Haddock's expressions, as some of them ("aztec," "coconut," "iconoclast," "platypus") appeared explicitly in Céline's book. In total, Captain Haddock has said at least 192 expressions, which are all listed in a book, the "Dictionary of Captain Haddock's Insults."
posted by montoia at 11:28 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
From Captain Haddock's Expletives:
— the first appearance of the Haddockian argot occurred in a scene in The Crab with the Golden Claws where the Captain storms towards a party of Berber raiders yelling expressions like 'jellyfish', 'troglodyte' and 'ectoplasm'.
...
In addition to his many insults, the most famous of Haddock's expressions relate to any of a number of permutations of two phrases: "Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!" ("Mille millions de mille milliards de mille sabords!") and "Ten thousand thundering typhoons!" ("Tonnerre de Brest!"). Haddock uses these two expressions to such an extent that Abdullah actually addresses him as "Blistering Barnacles" ("Mille sabords" in the original version).
A word of caution, however:
Émile Brami, biographer of Louis-Ferdinand Céline, claimed in a 2004 interview with the French book magazine Lire that Hergé took his inspiration from Céline's antisemitic pamphlet Bagatelles pour un massacre (1937) to create some of Haddock's expressions, as some of them ("aztec," "coconut," "iconoclast," "platypus") appeared explicitly in Céline's book. In total, Captain Haddock has said at least 192 expressions, which are all listed in a book, the "Dictionary of Captain Haddock's Insults."
posted by montoia at 11:28 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Captain Haddock's Curses - insults and exclamations used by Captain Haddock
posted by montoia at 11:36 AM on October 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by montoia at 11:36 AM on October 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm sure if I had a better memory of lines from The Wire, there'd be dozens I could post, but alas, my memory isn't that good.
posted by teg4rvn at 3:43 PM on October 6, 2010
posted by teg4rvn at 3:43 PM on October 6, 2010
Per miss lynnster's first line ... carbolic's 'sperm burping mynx' wouldn't be a good one to say to your (male) friend if you are flirting ... I mean, 'mynx' is typically a description for a girl :)
posted by justalkin at 4:32 PM on October 6, 2010
posted by justalkin at 4:32 PM on October 6, 2010
Courtesy of:
my high school English teacher - 'cream faced bottled spider'
of my girlfriend and Black Books - 'filth wizard' (friend only to the pig and the rat)
of my friend Keira - 'douche canoe', as in 'Rush Limbaugh is a total douche canoe'.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:21 PM on October 6, 2010
my high school English teacher - 'cream faced bottled spider'
of my girlfriend and Black Books - 'filth wizard' (friend only to the pig and the rat)
of my friend Keira - 'douche canoe', as in 'Rush Limbaugh is a total douche canoe'.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:21 PM on October 6, 2010
You son of a motherless goat.
posted by santaslittlehelper at 8:32 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by santaslittlehelper at 8:32 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yay to santaslittlehelper. I call people "son of a motherless goat" all the time. I think it's from Three Amigos.
In an episode of Six Feet Under, Nate yells "son of a motherFUCK" on the phone (about an overpriced casket, but that's not relevant). I say that too. It's become "son of a mother" when used in toe-stubbing expletive situations, not really name-calling.
I call my (female) best friend "bitchcakes" affectionately sometimes. That's from NewsRadio.
...and I swear I do have my own ideas that aren't from TV sometimes...
posted by kostia at 9:28 PM on October 6, 2010
In an episode of Six Feet Under, Nate yells "son of a motherFUCK" on the phone (about an overpriced casket, but that's not relevant). I say that too. It's become "son of a mother" when used in toe-stubbing expletive situations, not really name-calling.
I call my (female) best friend "bitchcakes" affectionately sometimes. That's from NewsRadio.
...and I swear I do have my own ideas that aren't from TV sometimes...
posted by kostia at 9:28 PM on October 6, 2010
Tubesteak
posted by zephyr_words at 12:14 AM on October 7, 2010
posted by zephyr_words at 12:14 AM on October 7, 2010
Let me add that you are a bounder, a rogue and a scoundrel. Come hither that I might pummel you with my fists.
posted by Ahab at 1:12 AM on October 7, 2010
posted by Ahab at 1:12 AM on October 7, 2010
Late to the game, but I'm a huge fan of "butthole" and "a-hole"!
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 11:04 AM on October 7, 2010
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 11:04 AM on October 7, 2010
G-Rated:
Chucklehead
Hamsniffer
Butter-eater.
Or, all together, chuckleheaded hamsniffing butter-eater
posted by lekvar at 6:46 PM on October 7, 2010
Chucklehead
Hamsniffer
Butter-eater.
Or, all together, chuckleheaded hamsniffing butter-eater
posted by lekvar at 6:46 PM on October 7, 2010
That's HURF DURF butter eater to you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:07 AM on October 8, 2010
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:07 AM on October 8, 2010
you little pisher
petulant assypantser
Johnny Ladykiller
filthy cur
jerkweed
I like all of these but especially lint-licker!
"Listen, [generally acceptable nickname said with huge disdain]"
Examples, "Listen, Sparky," "Listen, pal," "Listen, bub," "Listen, Mister"
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:33 PM on October 26, 2010
petulant assypantser
Johnny Ladykiller
filthy cur
jerkweed
I like all of these but especially lint-licker!
"Listen, [generally acceptable nickname said with huge disdain]"
Examples, "Listen, Sparky," "Listen, pal," "Listen, bub," "Listen, Mister"
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:33 PM on October 26, 2010
Many fighter pilot call signs are obscure insults, if you're in the mood for explaining the riddle.
Some of my favorite insulting nicknames:
Funhouse - cause his body looked like when you look at yourself in a funhouse mirror
Tackle Box - looked like his face got caught in a fishing tackle box
Four-Meal - ate so much three meals wasn't enough
Then there's the generic "shitty dick" but that one can come off as casting being gay as a pejorative if you do it wrong. Works best on flamboyant gay dudes who know you're ok with that.
posted by ctmf at 9:02 PM on October 26, 2010
Some of my favorite insulting nicknames:
Funhouse - cause his body looked like when you look at yourself in a funhouse mirror
Tackle Box - looked like his face got caught in a fishing tackle box
Four-Meal - ate so much three meals wasn't enough
Then there's the generic "shitty dick" but that one can come off as casting being gay as a pejorative if you do it wrong. Works best on flamboyant gay dudes who know you're ok with that.
posted by ctmf at 9:02 PM on October 26, 2010
Choadhuffer
Buttmonger
Boogerflinger/ Boogerflicker
Recently, a friend and I were casting an obscene sculpture in pewter and came up with Wangwattle/ Dongwattle to describe the effects of a botched pour. We decided that they were too wonderful to fall into disuse so we repeat them often.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:19 AM on October 28, 2010
Buttmonger
Boogerflinger/ Boogerflicker
Recently, a friend and I were casting an obscene sculpture in pewter and came up with Wangwattle/ Dongwattle to describe the effects of a botched pour. We decided that they were too wonderful to fall into disuse so we repeat them often.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:19 AM on October 28, 2010
No one has mentioned donut bumper yet? No one?
Or ass pirate?
Man, you guys are lying down on the job.
Friends and I in college did the same, only with specifically homophobic insults. Whoever could get in ass-pirate first generally "won" though the whole thing usually just degraded to screaming "FAGGGGGG" after about ten seconds.
(See also: carpet muncher.)
posted by sonika at 4:50 PM on November 16, 2010
Or ass pirate?
Man, you guys are lying down on the job.
Friends and I in college did the same, only with specifically homophobic insults. Whoever could get in ass-pirate first generally "won" though the whole thing usually just degraded to screaming "FAGGGGGG" after about ten seconds.
(See also: carpet muncher.)
posted by sonika at 4:50 PM on November 16, 2010
I have a friend I do this with also. Our favorite non-injoke: Judas.
posted by Kimothy at 5:06 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by Kimothy at 5:06 PM on November 16, 2010
Ages ago I made a formula for just such a purpose:
x+p+n+(a+b)+(a+b)+p+y+c+q
where
x is a username
p is ','
n is the pronoun 'you'
a is any of these insult prefixes: fuck-, ass-, shit-, republi-, douche-, micro-, dick-.
b is any of these insult suffixes, -fuck, -ass, -assed, -head, -headed, -can, -bag, -douche, -truck, -shit, -soft, -dick, -dicked.
y is the words 'why don't you'
c is one of the following: go hop up your own ass, pull your head out, sit on a lawnmower, poke yourself in the eye, go find inner peace on Free Republic, make like the wind and get bent, go cry about it to your mommy, strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you, die like the dog you are, fuck off and cry.
q is '?'
With this simple formula taped to your wall you should be able to construct such one-size-fits-all insults as:
Kattullus, you republidicked fuckfuck, why don't you die like the dog you are?
Kattullus, you microbag douchetruck, why don't you strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you?
I trust you can take it from there, dear MeFite, you dickassed asscan, why don't you go make like the wind and get bent?
[Warning: Side effects include: Merely typing someone elses username may lead you to spout invective uncontrollably, getting hit with a banhammer, being an insufferable ass, constructing sentences with double colons, losing your job and/or significant other because you spend all your time throwing insults at people who barely know you exist.]
The great and glorious idiopath made a javascript that can sit in your bookmark bar that spews out such insults automatically. You can find it on my profile page.
posted by Kattullus at 5:44 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
x+p+n+(a+b)+(a+b)+p+y+c+q
where
x is a username
p is ','
n is the pronoun 'you'
a is any of these insult prefixes: fuck-, ass-, shit-, republi-, douche-, micro-, dick-.
b is any of these insult suffixes, -fuck, -ass, -assed, -head, -headed, -can, -bag, -douche, -truck, -shit, -soft, -dick, -dicked.
y is the words 'why don't you'
c is one of the following: go hop up your own ass, pull your head out, sit on a lawnmower, poke yourself in the eye, go find inner peace on Free Republic, make like the wind and get bent, go cry about it to your mommy, strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you, die like the dog you are, fuck off and cry.
q is '?'
With this simple formula taped to your wall you should be able to construct such one-size-fits-all insults as:
Kattullus, you republidicked fuckfuck, why don't you die like the dog you are?
Kattullus, you microbag douchetruck, why don't you strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you?
I trust you can take it from there, dear MeFite, you dickassed asscan, why don't you go make like the wind and get bent?
[Warning: Side effects include: Merely typing someone elses username may lead you to spout invective uncontrollably, getting hit with a banhammer, being an insufferable ass, constructing sentences with double colons, losing your job and/or significant other because you spend all your time throwing insults at people who barely know you exist.]
The great and glorious idiopath made a javascript that can sit in your bookmark bar that spews out such insults automatically. You can find it on my profile page.
posted by Kattullus at 5:44 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]
Pillock. Half-wit. Utter pirate. Philistine. Oaf. Mouth breather. Inbred.
posted by bayliss at 7:58 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by bayliss at 7:58 PM on November 16, 2010
Tweezers...
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:04 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:04 PM on November 16, 2010
Post Mod Jazz, I'm disappointed by the failure of "arsebadger", "twatbadger" and other compoud uses of the word "badger" to appear so far in this thread. (No offence intended to badgers.)
posted by holgate at 8:18 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by holgate at 8:18 PM on November 16, 2010
Ass-cactus, douche-socket, butt smear, pube mutant, blowhole, pork snorkle, Beatrice, Penelope, chum puddle, spoobnooble, cockbeak, scrotum quilt, carbuncle, pus diver, crack flosser, gravy guzzler.
posted by Demogorgon at 8:53 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by Demogorgon at 8:53 PM on November 16, 2010
Bombaclot? Rasclot? Pussyclot? Basically anything that ends with "clot" can be turned into a nickname.
posted by chunking express at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2010
posted by chunking express at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2010
There's nothing more insulting than calling someone "muffin" or "cupcake" in a condescending tone.
Oh, honey...
posted by Deathalicious at 6:41 AM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Oh, honey...
posted by Deathalicious at 6:41 AM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's Proper Noun Time!
Punk rock fan? Call him "Yoko Ono" or "Nancy."
Ex-New Yorker? Call him "Steinbrenner."
Bartender? I second the "garçon" mention above (it's pronounced "gar-sahn", except the second syllable is short and a bit nasal) and if you drawl it out, it's much worse.
posted by TrishaLynn at 9:02 AM on November 19, 2010
Punk rock fan? Call him "Yoko Ono" or "Nancy."
Ex-New Yorker? Call him "Steinbrenner."
Bartender? I second the "garçon" mention above (it's pronounced "gar-sahn", except the second syllable is short and a bit nasal) and if you drawl it out, it's much worse.
posted by TrishaLynn at 9:02 AM on November 19, 2010
Chucklefuck, shitstain, and "look who joined the Young Republicans" all come to mind.
posted by talldean at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2010
posted by talldean at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2010
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
posted by askmeaboutLOOM at 10:36 PM on November 21, 2010
posted by askmeaboutLOOM at 10:36 PM on November 21, 2010
In medspeak, "facies" are distinctive facial expressions associated with specific medical conditions. My favorite exploitations of this term are as follows:
Bitchfacies
Cuntfacies
Fuckfacies
Cheesefacies
Douchefacies
Santorumfacies
You get the idea...
posted by fernabelle at 7:29 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Bitchfacies
Cuntfacies
Fuckfacies
Cheesefacies
Douchefacies
Santorumfacies
You get the idea...
posted by fernabelle at 7:29 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by raccoon409 at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010