Gimme some nicknames. Dorks.

October 5, 2010 12:08 PM

My (male) friend and I tend to flippantly call each other insulting nicknames for fun, kinda as a Jr. High flirty thing. Started with "Brat," then "Loser," then "Dork," then Turd." I need to switch it up and would like to have a list of totally impressive alternatives to pull out of my back pocket to throw him off guard when he least expects it... I need to get more creative and clever.

Short is good. A range of benign to sharp is fine, this is all about variety. I try to pretend I'm a delicate classy lady once in a while so if you also give me a variety of G-PG-X rated ones to choose from that would be fantastic. He's a bartender and a big fan of punk music if that helps to inspire you.

Okay, shoot.

posted by miss lynnster to writing & language (214 answers total)

dipshit is a favorite of my friend, with whom I do the same thing.
posted by raccoon409 at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010

Feckless cad.
posted by phunniemee at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, and he's originally from New York so if there's any good New York slang I don't know... that might totally shock him if I threw that out.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2010

Asshat.
posted by dywypi at 12:10 PM on October 5, 2010

Anything vulgar plus "wad" is solid; phlegmwad, taintwad, GlennBeckwad.
posted by Greg Nog at 12:11 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

Any vulgar plus "bucket" is solid; jerkbucket, assbucket, GlennBeckbucket, etc.

Any vulgar plus "face" is solid; fartface, assface, GlennBeckface, etc.
posted by elmer benson at 12:12 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]

*Anything vulgar...
posted by elmer benson at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010

Or, if the political lean is right, just "Glenn Beck".
posted by maryr at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010

"buttplug breath" always stops them in their tracks...
posted by supermedusa at 12:13 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mountebank!

Definitely use Putz.

I would reserve Dickless piece of shit for special occasions, but I have to include it because it's my favorite such insult.

Or how about: Fucknugget. It has a nice melodiously-insulting quality, I think.
posted by AugieAugustus at 12:14 PM on October 5, 2010

mook
posted by cazoo at 12:15 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Fishface.
posted by mullacc at 12:15 PM on October 5, 2010

Fuck knuckle.
Douchenozzle
Ratfuck
And the classic: jerk.
posted by nevercalm at 12:17 PM on October 5, 2010

Here in NYC , 3 favorite insults "jerk, moron and idiot." Calling someone a "tourist" is a major insult especially if they live in NYC. So, if your friend is being naive or clueless call him a tourist.
posted by Pineapplicious at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Shakespearian insult generator.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also, shoe, hump and skel are slang insults I've never heard outside NYC.
posted by nevercalm at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2010

Every once in a while i call someone a 'lazy susan', and its pretty funny in that 'delicate lady' kind of way.
posted by Kololo at 12:19 PM on October 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

Fudge nozzle.
posted by Acton at 12:20 PM on October 5, 2010

Two of my favorites, that I learned from Metafilter, are "Douchetruck" and the awesomely redundant "assbutt"
posted by bondcliff at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [9 favorites]

AssMaster, Bunghole, Choad, KnobGobbler, FartBlossom, Seminiferous tubule buttnoid

thx Beavis and Butthead
posted by wrnealis at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010

Barnacle butt.
posted by Windigo at 12:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Whore.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:22 PM on October 5, 2010

Acking fusshole?
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Butt nugget

Chachi
posted by chillmost at 12:23 PM on October 5, 2010

Nut Goblin or Nut Gobbler either way, credit goes to South Park
posted by vincele at 12:23 PM on October 5, 2010

Goober.
posted by Syllables at 12:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Fat idiot" is a good one that really only works if they're not fat at all. I don't know why it's not as good as "fat fuck."

Unusual combinations of $insult-$body part or $nouns-for-$body part.. Dicks for brains. Shit for a dick. Piss ass. Glenn Beck for brains. Taint face. Cottage cheese lips. Anything.
posted by cmoj at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010

There's nothing more insulting than calling someone "muffin" or "cupcake" in a condescending tone.
posted by smitt at 12:25 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

shitmittens, cocksocket, bottlenose, juiceboots, assneck, cheesedick.
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 PM on October 5, 2010 [8 favorites]

crater face, puke breath
posted by Namlit at 12:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Shitnut and cockhole.
posted by mckenney at 12:29 PM on October 5, 2010

My brother and I started doing this years ago and somehow it evolved into calling each other actual first names other than our own, but with an insulting tone.

"whatever, DAVE!"
"sure, LEONARD!"
"oh, is that what you think, STEVEN?"

That sort of thing. I think we're the only ones who think it's funny.

I also have a friend who uses "homophobe" as a standard, all-purpose derisive insult nickname for pretty much everyone in every situation.
posted by The World Famous at 12:29 PM on October 5, 2010 [40 favorites]

WANG!

Wang is my favorite. It's childish and funny. Makes me laugh every time.

They're not exactly short, but I like to add professional titles at the beginning of my offensive nicknames. Here are some examples, with extra nicknames!

Captain Dickweed
Professor Cuntsworth
Major Fuckface
Doctor Fartbreath
Admiral Wangtooth
Private Poopbrain

Et cetera. Though, if he's from New York, I don't know why you aren't calling him #1 Mets Fan all the time!
posted by two lights above the sea at 12:31 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

turd burgler

meat gazer
posted by foxhat10 at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

booger
pissant
shitneck
turd burglar
schnicknock
fuckwit
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010

a friend who was a cop used to get great insults from one of their drunk tank regulars. the one I remember best is "goo-gobbling gutterslut"

fucktard. shitstain.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wow! Double turd burglars!
posted by dirtdirt at 12:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

schnook
wastrel
nogoodnik
ne'er-do-well
posted by Crane Shot at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Sitzpinkler. German for "one who sitz down to urinate." Means dweeb.

Could go well with your 'delicate classy lady' thing, so long as you cloak it in Southern Charm/Southern Passive-Aggressive Behaviour. "Oh, Steven, I do believe you are SUCH a sitzpinkler, and isn't it graaaaand of you!"

Go to his bar and call him 'garcon.'
posted by flibbertigibbet at 12:35 PM on October 5, 2010

Willnut.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:36 PM on October 5, 2010

"Slackjawed cockthirsty cumdumpster" is my favorite thing to mentally project onto cars that cut me off on my bike ride home from work.
posted by Aizkolari at 12:37 PM on October 5, 2010

1) Take any single-word insult and draw it out to a comical length, as if you're identifying something for someone else to see.

Dorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!

Douuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuche!

2) When attacked by another person, respond like a stadium crowd taunting an opposing player that has just made a bad play. Bonus points for pointing and chanting in a reaction that is a complete non-sequitur following his insult.

Him: "Dipshit."
You: "AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL! AAAAAAAAIR-BALL!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:38 PM on October 5, 2010

Sheep teets.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 12:39 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh yes, this is fabulous.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:39 PM on October 5, 2010

I'm fond of dickwagon, buttlicker, and fartnugget. I also do a mean Beavis impression.

Generally any combination of curse words and body parts/bodily functions works pretty well in most situations.
posted by bedhead at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

scumsucking pusbucket.
posted by b33j at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2010

Anything vulgar plus "-farmer", "-monger", or "-spelunker" is solid. Cockfarmer, taintmonger, ass-spelunker.

I like a good non sequitur: Assbutt. Dillhole. Shitsock. Fucktoon.

Bartender? Hmmm. "Appletini!"
posted by clavicle at 12:43 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

buttsnacker
posted by Ouisch at 12:43 PM on October 5, 2010

reprobate

or

pus spewing penis incision
posted by Constant Reader at 12:44 PM on October 5, 2010

poop stain
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:45 PM on October 5, 2010

Dinky dick
posted by mareli at 12:48 PM on October 5, 2010

Donkey Raping Fucktard
Horse Fellator
Enema Eating Floozy
Disappointing Waste of Humanity
The Perfect Example of Why We Need To Put Some Bleach in the Gene Pool
Ignoramus
Cowardly Pickle
Slippery Eel
Small, just very... small.
Snakeoil Salesman
Brainless Nincompoop
Sheep Terrorist
Dirty Teeth (Dirty teeth? From all the shit you eat)
posted by Apoch at 12:49 PM on October 5, 2010

Slut-monkey.
Son of a whore.
At one of my former workplaces, one of the guys had clever nicknames for everybody (Used behind their backs, mostly)
The Boy Wonder.
Pork Chop.
Ding-dong.
Asswipe.
Tweedledum and Tweedlestupid.
I got to be "Sarah the Stern but Just".
at least to my face...
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:50 PM on October 5, 2010

Fuckstick
Shit-for-brains
Chester
Shitheel
Dickless wonder
Ball-sniffer
Ex-wife
Skid mark
posted by skypieces at 12:54 PM on October 5, 2010

Knobber
posted by Jofus at 12:57 PM on October 5, 2010

republicanfucker (vary based on his politics, of course)

shitfuck

mitch (for use in place of bitch)

brittanyfan

fuckingposer

short sip of pbr

goatfucker

ballicker

lover of teabags

dirtyshorts
Does he have an annoying co-worker or anyone in his life that you know of? Call him by their name, in just the right town, with a grin on your face.

When the other person is being what they think is particularly brilliant, it's good to laugh and say "You're so smart, um, *snapping fingers* yeah, don't tell me, I'll remember it...and then finally say someone else's name"
posted by nomadicink at 12:59 PM on October 5, 2010

Pigtits
posted by hermitosis at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010

a personal favorite from my childhood: fathead on patrol!
posted by bobafet at 1:00 PM on October 5, 2010

R
Sir Squeaky Tickledick of Gonad
Wilde-bitch (ala Wildebeest)
'Tardzan
Smegma
Moron the Annoyer



G + PG
Sizzle chest
Bacon bits
Tazmanian Dorkwad
Liver lips
posted by Debaser626 at 1:02 PM on October 5, 2010

OH! I forgot one of my all-time bests. I actually came up with this one myself...

"Poster-child for a woman's right to choose"

Yeah. I should probably be ashamed of myself.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:03 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Choad
posted by mmascolino at 1:08 PM on October 5, 2010

g-rated: doodybutt, corroded

See also many things from the Simpsons, usually from Burns or Smithers. Improvident lackwit, disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery, goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds, anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes, Betsy Bleedingheart, Maynard G. Muskievote, blundering numbskull, cheese-eating surrender monkey, Johnny Lunchpail, kwyjibo, Joey Jo-Jo Jr Shabadoo, Ho-Ju, senseless dunderpate, carbon blob, drone, organ donor, lavatory linksman, fork and spoon operator,

not so g-rated: cum-belching gutter-slut, santorum

any of the various mostly-fictional repellent sexual practices: shut up, you Cleveland Steamer! Choke on your own puke, Filthy Sanchez!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:10 PM on October 5, 2010

my eyes, they burn
posted by gadha at 1:11 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Useless syphilitic mangy crotch-dropping.

i may have inappropriate love for this thread
posted by zennish at 1:13 PM on October 5, 2010

nimrod, myron
posted by goethean at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

At last, an excuse to say "regurgitated cum bubble" on Metafilter. My life is now complete.
posted by theichibun at 1:14 PM on October 5, 2010 [6 favorites]

smegma licker usually stops people in their tracks.
posted by stormpooper at 1:15 PM on October 5, 2010

Oh, you could use the list of nicknames that Sawyer gave people on LOST:

Metro
Son
Lardo
Pork Pie
Stay Puff
Pillsbury
Jabba
Hoss
Jethro
Hero
Doctor/Doc
JackO
St. Jack
Jack-Ass
Chico
Cowboy
Dr. Quinn
Dr. DoRight
Sherriff
Brother
El Jacko
Freckles
Sweetheart
Belle of the Ball
Baby
Sassafras
Boar Expert
the Mighty Huntress
Hon
Girl
Lady
Woman
Sweet Cheeks
Puddin'
Sheena
Abdul
Al Jazeera
Omar
Captain Falafel
Muhammed
Ali
Arab
Abu
Genius
Sheik
Buddy
Chief
Gen-u-ine I-raqi
Sticks
Sport
Amigo
Rock God
VH1 has-been
Limey runt
Chucky
Tattoo
Short Round
Kid
Kazoo
Mr. Miyagi
Bruce
Cato
Sulu
Chewie
Betty
Tokyo Rose
Daddy
Pilot
Mikey
Han
Hoss
Mamacita
Missy Claire
Cupcake
Rambina
Hot Lips
Bitch
Ponce de Leon
Shaft
Mr. Ed
Mr. Clean
Daniel Boone
Gandhi
Jungle Boy
Slim
posted by The World Famous at 1:16 PM on October 5, 2010 [16 favorites]

The whole "X McX" meme, while incredibly juvenile, does allow for a great deal of variability depending on the situation.

Examples:
"Retard McTardypants" - general idiocy
"Pissy McHissyfit" - overreaction

You get the idea.
posted by elendil71 at 1:18 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

I've used both muppet-toucher and turd-fondler recently.
posted by Shohn at 1:20 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]

You could learn a bit -- style as well as content of vulgar insults -- by watching Ian McShane go at it in the late lamented series Deadwood.
posted by aught at 1:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

noodleloaf (thank you Bill Waterson)
maroon
toe cheese
kneebiter (invented for the US edition of HGTTG apparently)
posted by that's candlepin at 1:22 PM on October 5, 2010

Poopweasel.

Moosejizz.
posted by liquado at 1:23 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Since he's from New York, a little Yiddish wouldn't go amiss: Putz, as mentioned upthread, or the classic 'schmuck'.
posted by deadmessenger at 1:25 PM on October 5, 2010

Mom used to call other drivers "ratfink" when we were too young to hear what she was really thinking. Now it's always the first thing to pop into my head when I'm frustrated with somebody.
posted by vytae at 1:27 PM on October 5, 2010

Yeasty rump-fed puttock
smeg head
scaramouche
pultroon
bashibazouk
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 1:28 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

shitsmear
posted by MXJ1983 at 1:30 PM on October 5, 2010

My dear, gentle mother, who likes to arrange flowers and drink tea, roadragily choked out the word "dildarse!" when she was cut off in traffic the other day.

DILDARSE.
posted by Sallyfur at 1:32 PM on October 5, 2010 [16 favorites]

Gobdaw is my fave.

Nimrod

Nixnooks
posted by jgirl at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010

I like really random stuff like goat-groper and noodle-toucher and pope-fondler and pudding-sniffer and monkey-licker.

And hamfucker, for special occasions.
posted by elizardbits at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

also, derisively, gherkin
posted by Namlit at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

puke nuts
shit nuts
fuck nuts
vagina nuts
dick nuts
anything + nuts
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010

Just call him Zachary.

As in: his face looks zachary like his arse.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

nevercalm: "hump"

And here I always thought that hump was a Chicago-ism.

Maroon
Little Lord Fauntleroy
Comemierda (spanish, and sort of rude. literally: "shit-eater")
Macaca (careful with this one. sounds vaguely scatalogical but isn't)
posted by jquinby at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010

Also, "thrawn, ill-feckit gaberlunzie" will always have a special place in my heart.
posted by elizardbits at 1:34 PM on October 5, 2010

Shitkicker, dicknose.
posted by ghharr at 1:35 PM on October 5, 2010

Mary.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Bridge & Tunnel (B&T) is a great NYC insult, if he's from the city.

Or cumdumpster.... You can't lose with cumdumpster.
posted by scwebd at 1:36 PM on October 5, 2010

Just play a few games of mario kart together. They'll come naturally.
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010

I like anything with balls in it, and made up words. Hairy ball sack, ballhornigus, ball-jizzler, balls on your chin, etc. I'm not quite sure why....
posted by Go Banana at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010

I once sent my kids (who grew up with Dutch and Swedish) into a roaring laughter fit when I called another driver (in my native German) Arschkeks. Butt-cookie.
[also: replace second , with : in my previous post]
[[on preview: man, this goes fast!]]
posted by Namlit at 1:37 PM on October 5, 2010

cockgoblin.
posted by kaseijin at 1:40 PM on October 5, 2010

Butterpants
posted by kaseijin at 1:41 PM on October 5, 2010

Scrote
posted by Rat Spatula at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010

when we were little my sisters and I used to call each other "fart knocker."
posted by Sara Anne at 1:43 PM on October 5, 2010

my favs:

slimey son of a dog!
stubborn mule!
scurvy knave!

cornflakes eater!

And for some reason (probably from reading too much manga) I've picked up "baldy!" and "perv!"

but that only works if they're not really bald or saying anything perverted...
posted by patheral at 1:45 PM on October 5, 2010

Two-syllable:
Dillweed, dillhole, sleazeball

One-syllable:
poop, beef, lump, skeeze, scamp
posted by sarahj at 1:49 PM on October 5, 2010

cum-rag
scrote
whore
slut
pigzass

All of these either preceded by muthufukn or with muthufukr appended ie south-side cockbite muthufukr

Look him dead on and spit it out harsh -- if you wanna act like a blue-collar fuck, don't play
posted by dancestoblue at 1:51 PM on October 5, 2010

Doucher
Crotchknuckle
Knucklebutt
Biscuithead
Scurvy Dog
Foolish Mortal
Assblaster
Cheesequake
Chisel Chest
posted by Citrus at 1:55 PM on October 5, 2010

fuckbutton
titsmeller
asswhisperer
Newt Gingrich (I have no beef with Newt. Just like his name)
posted by MustardTent at 1:56 PM on October 5, 2010

Pud
Pudwhacker
Dipshit
Dickweed
Dickface

I think, overall, "turd" is my favorite. Calling someone a turd is so childish, how can they get mad at you? Also, it brings to mind the excellent Steve Martin short short history of Turdsmania, "Turds". A quote:

he Turds never became accepted in this country because of their name. The Turds, or people from Turdsmania, were people of healthy stock. They were tall, with long straight hair; the men robust, the women bold and beautiful. The first Turds arrived on these shores in fifteen eighty-nine, one year after the defeat of the Spanish Armada. They were unjustly blamed for the defeat of the Spanish Fleet when a Spanish admiral remarked, "No wonder we lost, we had a bunch of turds managing our cannons!"
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010

Suggested by my friend: Combine insults (and/or vulgarities) with breakfast foods like cuntwaffle, fuckmuffin.

Latinify everything. Dorkus. Retardicus. Nerdius Maximus. Etc.

Call him a woman's name, or a term of endearment usually reserved for a man talking to a woman.

Apple infringement! iDork, iMoron, iBooger.

i am also having inappropriate love for this thread ala zennish
...and gave myself an asthma attack from laughing.
posted by Heretical at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh and Wibbler!
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:59 PM on October 5, 2010

bitchnuts is one I spontaneously used the other day. No idea where i got that one from...
posted by romakimmy at 2:02 PM on October 5, 2010

Any chance to pass on my absolute favorite loquacious quip: pope-felcher
posted by carsonb at 2:03 PM on October 5, 2010

I have a general rule that any word can be made an order of magnitude more vulgar by adding the prefix -hole. Use it liberally with your friendhole.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010

also, assbag.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010

git.
posted by scruss at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

As an alternative to "shitface", I once addressed one of my friends as "faecesfeatures". I thought this was hilariously inventive, and then he replied by calling me "excretavisage".
posted by raspberry-ripple at 2:05 PM on October 5, 2010

Rapscallion.
Scalawag.
Scoundrel.
Fop.
Ruffian.
Dunderhead.
Dunce.
Four-flusher.
Mongrel.
Philistine.
Lout.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

I found this one on a bathroom wall of a truck stop outside of Chattanooga:
Needle-dick bug-fucker.

I use it every chance I get.
posted by teleri025 at 2:06 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Cock bite
Twat suck
Taint licker
Twat stink
Dick cheese
Butt cheese
Butt crust
Dingleberry
Needle dick
Bitch boy
Harry Palmer
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:07 PM on October 5, 2010

Dingus.
posted by entropicamericana at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

My favourite from Deadwood was "you motherless fucking whore."
posted by Beardman at 2:08 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also, you could get 18th Century on his ass: saucy jackanapes.
posted by Beardman at 2:10 PM on October 5, 2010

Prat
Unexpected Queef: an embarrassment. Usage -"You're such an unexpected queef."

This thread is challenging. Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to try to work 'muppet-toucher' into conversation this week? I live in pope-felching Rome, FFS...
posted by romakimmy at 2:13 PM on October 5, 2010

If you're not down for the religious reaming, there's always the classic character names:
If he's just hanging around call him Chad.
If he, like, TOTALLY FLIPS OUT call him Jerry (Maguire).
If he trips or stumbles call him Grace.
If he fails miserably call him Ace.
And so on. Names have meanings. You can invariably fit his actions/words to a jokey name or character.

Also, seconding 'Doc' but you have to be gnawing on a carrot when you say it.
posted by carsonb at 2:15 PM on October 5, 2010

munching wanktoaster

(from "Kraken", by China Mieville)
posted by madmethods at 2:17 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

dozy cow
sugartits
buddy ro
posted by cyndigo at 2:25 PM on October 5, 2010

Ass maggot
Fuck stain
Booger munch
Snot lip
Snot Face (from Drop Dead Fred)
Dog breath
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:27 PM on October 5, 2010

I used to have a roommate who we nicknamed "Ass Stallion"

"Sprew" used to get thrown around a lot, too.
posted by Dojie at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're a delicate classy lady you say? How about calling him a pantywaist? (One of my exes lived with his grandma, who taught us this gem.)

Lately though I'm just fond of calling people buttplug.
posted by lblair at 2:30 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Dicknibbler
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 2:33 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Cunt stack.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
posted by iamcrispy at 2:35 PM on October 5, 2010

cum belching gutterslut
posted by mearls at 2:44 PM on October 5, 2010

Cunt (saying to a man makes me laugh uncontrollably because they are so shocked and have nothing to say after the fact...plus it is one of my favorite words)

Dildonian (I call one of my guy friends this because he is a man whore)

Cumguzzler

douchebag

hairy choad

shitface

ask him where is mangina is

diarrheahead

meatshit
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

also...

afterbirth of a lesbian clusterfuck

sausage fingers

twat

bloody tampon eater

pencil dick

floppy tits

pansy

doo doo head

bubblenuts
posted by zombiehoohaa at 2:53 PM on October 5, 2010

Scum-sucking pigdog.
posted by workerant at 2:54 PM on October 5, 2010

Dicksplash.
posted by essexjan at 3:00 PM on October 5, 2010

Varlet. Cream faced loon. Doddering fenstruck dewberry. The last one is from Family Guy, I believe, although it sounds suitably Shakespearian.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 3:02 PM on October 5, 2010

oh, I skipped right over the part where you said he likes punk music. call him preppy.
also: snotgobbler, scallywag, toe jam, fuck knuckle.

this thread wins the internet today.
posted by bedhead at 3:03 PM on October 5, 2010

Wow! Double turd burglars!

My favorite from Beavis & Butthead is: butt burglar.

From Futurama (Bender): meatbag.

Earthling.
posted by neuron at 3:08 PM on October 5, 2010

This answer was actually posted by my husband, who neglected to log me out before he commented.

Which has somehow inspired me to come up with a few answers of my own. I've been dealing with little kids all day, so I'll fill in a few on the PG end of the spectrum:

Dufus
Doorknob
Pustule
Lemon-Sucker
Dork-Melon
Snot-Slinger
Booger-Muncher

And my five-year-old's favorite . . . Poopyhead with poop on your head!
posted by Dojie at 3:09 PM on October 5, 2010

Here's a few that play particularly to his punk leanings:

poser
trust fund
billie joe
hoppus
tourist
posted by 256 at 3:42 PM on October 5, 2010

My good friend and I do the same thing. My pet name for her is "Ass munch"
posted by mooza at 3:58 PM on October 5, 2010

Heh! My brother and I (in our forties) still crank-call each other just to call each other "Sweat-sucking Butt-Muncher!"
posted by Jazz Hands at 4:22 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Go English on him. Have a browse through the Profanisaurus

E.g Blanket welder (wanker)
posted by i_cola at 4:26 PM on October 5, 2010

sack lunch.
posted by fake at 4:44 PM on October 5, 2010

Not sure this was mentioned yet and it isn't terribly creative, but when I was in NJ elementary school (and before I knew what it meant), everyone was a "jerk off".
posted by murrey at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010

Dirty, musty, crusty critter

(Got that from watching two teenage girls scream insults at each other on the 7 train. After each pass, they would collapse into a hysterical clapping/stomping frenzy. A bunch of teenage boys near them were thrown into total awe and started chanting "Head to head! Taint to taint!" like on Dance 360.)
posted by amillionbillion at 4:45 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

My all time favorite is "Scrotum Strokin' Shaft Shiner" but that is only to be used in extreme circumstances.

For general purposes, as stated above, you must suffix everything with "nuts". Although some of the examples above are good, they can be taken to the next level, as pointed out below, in ascending order of potency:

dumb-nuts
fumble-nuts
dingle-nuts
jungle-nuts
fuck-nuts

and the ultimate......

crack-nuts
posted by jasondigitized at 5:04 PM on October 5, 2010

wow so many seventh graders!

Hmmm, don't see snotsucker or son of camel or pbbbbzzzt-head
posted by sammyo at 5:08 PM on October 5, 2010

"busted valise" is big in my circle....

"What do you expect? The guy's a total busted valise."
posted by nevercalm at 5:24 PM on October 5, 2010

You thumb-humping KNUCKLE FUCKER.
posted by Sallyfur at 5:34 PM on October 5, 2010

Placenta-breath.
posted by Wet Spot at 5:36 PM on October 5, 2010

With my friends it's usually someone walking into the room and saying, "Whats the fuck is up you __________'s."

Personally, I like:

Fucknuts
Bunch of filthy quiffs
Shitheads (never goes out of style)
posted by fso at 5:38 PM on October 5, 2010

In a college psychology textbook, I read the following "all animals, even those with only ganglia for brains respond to pain."

I immediately adopted the insult, ganglia for brains!

Rump-roast-brain-head if you are feeling juvenile.

Mouthbreather
posted by Invoke at 5:52 PM on October 5, 2010

sodomite
posted by Daddy-O at 5:55 PM on October 5, 2010

Tool
Gobshite
Eejit
Arseface
muppet
gombeen
posted by TwoWordReview at 6:06 PM on October 5, 2010

Chubby the Fat (takeoff on Jabba the Hut)
Slack and idle crow
Horrible little man
Waste of skin
Waste of air
Daddy Uncle
Uncle Pervie
Rust encrusted
Klingon, circling around Uranus
posted by raising_arizona at 6:15 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Canal of Schlemm! (forgot that one)
posted by raising_arizona at 6:16 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ooh! Fun! You should get all scientific on his ass:

"Lepton"
"Boson"
"Bottom quark"
posted by schrodycat at 6:23 PM on October 5, 2010

A friend and I have a similar routine, where we greet each other with innocuous sobriquets delivered insultingly.

"Whussup, Pork Plate?"

"Yo, Charm School!"

"Hey, Gigglebritches."

"Hey Cottontail, where's Flopsy and Mopsy?"

(On review, this is probably only amusing to me and him...)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:24 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]

Booger-butt and fart-face were old standbys when I was a kid.
posted by defreckled at 7:12 PM on October 5, 2010

Butthorn!
posted by lexicakes at 8:07 PM on October 5, 2010

I always enjoyed teasing my friends with variants of [Insult] Mc[Insult]. Usually about being fat, since of course they were, in reality, not overweight at all.

For example,

• Fatty McFatFat
• Chunky McEats-a-Lot
• Gordo McSnackSnack

You get the idea...
posted by Zephyrial at 8:08 PM on October 5, 2010

Knuckle dragger
Roid meister
Ball sack
Chronic masturbator
posted by raising_arizona at 8:09 PM on October 5, 2010

I find "herb" wonderfully dismissive. Also totally G rated.

"Slob" is also a good one that manages to be polite and nasty at the same time.

And I love Liz Lemon's delivery of "nerd."
posted by en forme de poire at 8:18 PM on October 5, 2010

Oh, also! "Amateur."
posted by en forme de poire at 8:20 PM on October 5, 2010

I've always been fond of the schwa. Buttpuzzle. Pudbucket. Cuntcluster. Cumbungler. Nunguzzler. You get the idea.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:21 PM on October 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

From South Park, the Movie: donkey raping shit-eater or uncle fucker (as in, 'Shut your fucking face, uncle-fucker')

Mr. Burns-esque: 'You work-shirking lackadaisy!'
posted by Ghidorah at 8:25 PM on October 5, 2010

Numb nuts
posted by snowjoe at 8:30 PM on October 5, 2010

Co bag (as in colostomy bag)
posted by raising_arizona at 8:32 PM on October 5, 2010

Lambfucker.

[other insult]lord.
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 8:40 PM on October 5, 2010

Nong, dill, bastard, ratbag, dickhead - alone or in combinations.

If he gets all pissy, he's instantly The Incredible Sulk (don't make me cranky. You won't like me when I'm cranky).
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

You sir, are a scoundrel, a vagabond, and a feckless cad. I should beat you with my stick.
posted by Ahab at 1:55 AM on October 6, 2010

Idiothole.
posted by hot soup girl at 2:11 AM on October 6, 2010

These nicknames are mostly affectionate, but I'm sure you could find some that suit your fancy given the right context.
posted by hubs at 2:12 AM on October 6, 2010

I'm trying not to swear at work, and I have taken much solace in calling people turkeys. You can inject a lot of venom into the first syllable. Goddamn TURKEY!!
posted by indienial at 3:20 AM on October 6, 2010

New York, huh? How about the ol' Yiddish favorites, yutz or putz? And not names, but adjectives, fakakte and meshuggeneh? So satisfying physically to say...
posted by ifjuly at 7:19 AM on October 6, 2010

Clownfucker!
posted by a young man in spats at 7:30 AM on October 6, 2010

Definitely go yiddish on him: schmuck, schlemele, schlemazel.

Also I've always had affection for pencil neck geek.
posted by jasper411 at 8:39 AM on October 6, 2010

Work in political names as curses, like boehner, cheney, or limbaugh (if your friend's politics lean to the left these might be fun) -- "You creepy little boehner-fucker," "You're a lying baboon-heart thieving son of a cheney," or "Go to hell, you stinking slice of spoiled limbaugh."
posted by aught at 8:46 AM on October 6, 2010

Chucklebutt
posted by DaddyNewt at 8:51 AM on October 6, 2010

I'm partial to "dickhole".
posted by penduluum at 9:27 AM on October 6, 2010

Sperm burping mynx
posted by Carbolic at 9:29 AM on October 6, 2010

In middle school, one of our vocabulary words was "dorsal fin." Minutes later, a kid piped up and said "Jerry, you're such a dorsal fin."

With the right inflection, it is perfect.
posted by Turkey Glue at 10:37 AM on October 6, 2010

Ok, read through this entire thread, these haven't been mentioned:
assjack
buttwrangler
fucknoodle
giggletaint
posted by eurasian at 10:43 AM on October 6, 2010

-snuggler, -smuggler, -farmer, -packer:

- butt snuggler
- bone smuggler, ass smuggler, fudge smuggler
- douche farmer, ass farmer, butt farmer, fudge farmer, dick farmer, etc.
- (advanced) douche-dick ass-smuggler, ass-packing fudge farmer

* note - these get 100x funnier when alcohol is involved.
posted by blahtsk at 10:59 AM on October 6, 2010

Hergé to the rescue:

From Captain Haddock's Expletives:

— the first appearance of the Haddockian argot occurred in a scene in The Crab with the Golden Claws where the Captain storms towards a party of Berber raiders yelling expressions like 'jellyfish', 'troglodyte' and 'ectoplasm'.

...

In addition to his many insults, the most famous of Haddock's expressions relate to any of a number of permutations of two phrases: "Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!" ("Mille millions de mille milliards de mille sabords!") and "Ten thousand thundering typhoons!" ("Tonnerre de Brest!"). Haddock uses these two expressions to such an extent that Abdullah actually addresses him as "Blistering Barnacles" ("Mille sabords" in the original version).

A word of caution, however:

Émile Brami, biographer of Louis-Ferdinand Céline, claimed in a 2004 interview with the French book magazine Lire that Hergé took his inspiration from Céline's antisemitic pamphlet Bagatelles pour un massacre (1937) to create some of Haddock's expressions, as some of them ("aztec," "coconut," "iconoclast," "platypus") appeared explicitly in Céline's book. In total, Captain Haddock has said at least 192 expressions, which are all listed in a book, the "Dictionary of Captain Haddock's Insults."
posted by montoia at 11:28 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

Captain Haddock's Curses - insults and exclamations used by Captain Haddock
posted by montoia at 11:36 AM on October 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

I like calling people 'dickslurp'.
posted by chugg at 12:26 PM on October 6, 2010

I'm sure if I had a better memory of lines from The Wire, there'd be dozens I could post, but alas, my memory isn't that good.
posted by teg4rvn at 3:43 PM on October 6, 2010

Per miss lynnster's first line ... carbolic's 'sperm burping mynx' wouldn't be a good one to say to your (male) friend if you are flirting ... I mean, 'mynx' is typically a description for a girl :)
posted by justalkin at 4:32 PM on October 6, 2010

Courtesy of:
my high school English teacher - 'cream faced bottled spider'
of my girlfriend and Black Books - 'filth wizard' (friend only to the pig and the rat)
of my friend Keira - 'douche canoe', as in 'Rush Limbaugh is a total douche canoe'.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:21 PM on October 6, 2010

You son of a motherless goat.
posted by santaslittlehelper at 8:32 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yay to santaslittlehelper. I call people "son of a motherless goat" all the time. I think it's from Three Amigos.

In an episode of Six Feet Under, Nate yells "son of a motherFUCK" on the phone (about an overpriced casket, but that's not relevant). I say that too. It's become "son of a mother" when used in toe-stubbing expletive situations, not really name-calling.

I call my (female) best friend "bitchcakes" affectionately sometimes. That's from NewsRadio.

...and I swear I do have my own ideas that aren't from TV sometimes...
posted by kostia at 9:28 PM on October 6, 2010

Tubesteak
posted by zephyr_words at 12:14 AM on October 7, 2010

Let me add that you are a bounder, a rogue and a scoundrel. Come hither that I might pummel you with my fists.
posted by Ahab at 1:12 AM on October 7, 2010

Late to the game, but I'm a huge fan of "butthole" and "a-hole"!
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 11:04 AM on October 7, 2010

G-Rated:

Chucklehead
Hamsniffer
Butter-eater.

Or, all together, chuckleheaded hamsniffing butter-eater
posted by lekvar at 6:46 PM on October 7, 2010

That's HURF DURF butter eater to you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:07 AM on October 8, 2010

Duckbutter.
posted by heyho at 3:29 PM on October 26, 2010

you little pisher
petulant assypantser
Johnny Ladykiller
filthy cur
jerkweed
I like all of these but especially lint-licker!

"Listen, [generally acceptable nickname said with huge disdain]"
Examples, "Listen, Sparky," "Listen, pal," "Listen, bub," "Listen, Mister"
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:33 PM on October 26, 2010

Many fighter pilot call signs are obscure insults, if you're in the mood for explaining the riddle.

Some of my favorite insulting nicknames:
Funhouse - cause his body looked like when you look at yourself in a funhouse mirror
Tackle Box - looked like his face got caught in a fishing tackle box
Four-Meal - ate so much three meals wasn't enough

Then there's the generic "shitty dick" but that one can come off as casting being gay as a pejorative if you do it wrong. Works best on flamboyant gay dudes who know you're ok with that.
posted by ctmf at 9:02 PM on October 26, 2010

Choadhuffer
Buttmonger
Boogerflinger/ Boogerflicker




Recently, a friend and I were casting an obscene sculpture in pewter and came up with Wangwattle/ Dongwattle to describe the effects of a botched pour. We decided that they were too wonderful to fall into disuse so we repeat them often.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:19 AM on October 28, 2010

No one has mentioned donut bumper yet? No one?

Or ass pirate?

Man, you guys are lying down on the job.

Friends and I in college did the same, only with specifically homophobic insults. Whoever could get in ass-pirate first generally "won" though the whole thing usually just degraded to screaming "FAGGGGGG" after about ten seconds.

(See also: carpet muncher.)
posted by sonika at 4:50 PM on November 16, 2010

I have a friend I do this with also. Our favorite non-injoke: Judas.
posted by Kimothy at 5:06 PM on November 16, 2010

Dink.
posted by box at 5:19 PM on November 16, 2010

Ages ago I made a formula for just such a purpose:


x+p+n+(a+b)+(a+b)+p+y+c+q

where

x is a username

p is ','

n is the pronoun 'you'

a is any of these insult prefixes: fuck-, ass-, shit-, republi-, douche-, micro-, dick-.

b is any of these insult suffixes, -fuck, -ass, -assed, -head, -headed, -can, -bag, -douche, -truck, -shit, -soft, -dick, -dicked.

y is the words 'why don't you'

c is one of the following: go hop up your own ass, pull your head out, sit on a lawnmower, poke yourself in the eye, go find inner peace on Free Republic, make like the wind and get bent, go cry about it to your mommy, strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you, die like the dog you are, fuck off and cry.

q is '?'

With this simple formula taped to your wall you should be able to construct such one-size-fits-all insults as:

Kattullus, you republidicked fuckfuck, why don't you die like the dog you are?

Kattullus, you microbag douchetruck, why don't you strap yourself to the tail of a 747 and see where it takes you?

I trust you can take it from there, dear MeFite, you dickassed asscan, why don't you go make like the wind and get bent?

[Warning: Side effects include: Merely typing someone elses username may lead you to spout invective uncontrollably, getting hit with a banhammer, being an insufferable ass, constructing sentences with double colons, losing your job and/or significant other because you spend all your time throwing insults at people who barely know you exist.]

The great and glorious idiopath made a javascript that can sit in your bookmark bar that spews out such insults automatically. You can find it on my profile page.
posted by Kattullus at 5:44 PM on November 16, 2010 [5 favorites]

Pillock. Half-wit. Utter pirate. Philistine. Oaf. Mouth breather. Inbred.
posted by bayliss at 7:58 PM on November 16, 2010

Tweezers...
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:04 PM on November 16, 2010

Post Mod Jazz, I'm disappointed by the failure of "arsebadger", "twatbadger" and other compoud uses of the word "badger" to appear so far in this thread. (No offence intended to badgers.)
posted by holgate at 8:18 PM on November 16, 2010

Ass-cactus, douche-socket, butt smear, pube mutant, blowhole, pork snorkle, Beatrice, Penelope, chum puddle, spoobnooble, cockbeak, scrotum quilt, carbuncle, pus diver, crack flosser, gravy guzzler.
posted by Demogorgon at 8:53 PM on November 16, 2010

Bombaclot? Rasclot? Pussyclot? Basically anything that ends with "clot" can be turned into a nickname.
posted by chunking express at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2010

Microbag dickdicked?
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:41 AM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

There's nothing more insulting than calling someone "muffin" or "cupcake" in a condescending tone.

Oh, honey...
posted by Deathalicious at 6:41 AM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

Have we not had Filthwizard?
posted by greenish at 9:07 AM on November 17, 2010

Turdlinger.
Black and Decker Butt Tool.
posted by werkzeuger at 11:30 AM on November 17, 2010

It's Proper Noun Time!

Punk rock fan? Call him "Yoko Ono" or "Nancy."

Ex-New Yorker? Call him "Steinbrenner."

Bartender? I second the "garçon" mention above (it's pronounced "gar-sahn", except the second syllable is short and a bit nasal) and if you drawl it out, it's much worse.
posted by TrishaLynn at 9:02 AM on November 19, 2010

Chucklefuck, shitstain, and "look who joined the Young Republicans" all come to mind.
posted by talldean at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2010

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
posted by askmeaboutLOOM at 10:36 PM on November 21, 2010

In medspeak, "facies" are distinctive facial expressions associated with specific medical conditions. My favorite exploitations of this term are as follows:

Bitchfacies
Cuntfacies
Fuckfacies
Cheesefacies
Douchefacies
Santorumfacies

You get the idea...
posted by fernabelle at 7:29 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Middleman to the rescue!
posted by Evilspork at 3:35 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]