messy
April 1, 2007 6:16 AM Subscribe
messy long distance breakup + attractive close friends = more of a mess than any one person can handle
I was in a recent breakup (within the past month or so) that ended a long distance year-long relationship; I was initially traumatized and began to lean heavily on a handful of close friends (all of the opposite sex). While I respect all of these individuals and would not want to "just use" any of them as a rebound to make myself feel better (and keeping in mind the fact that some are in various degrees of relationship stress themselves), I have found myself increasingly attracted to them in both a sexual and an emotional context.
I have a habit of jumping right into relationships following relationships (it makes for a great deal of mess in the long run, and is a habit that I would like to break), and would like to NOT make the same mistakes this time. I am looking for advice on how to make sure I do not mess up any of these friendships, but do so without driving myself insane or pushing these friends away.
I was in a recent breakup (within the past month or so) that ended a long distance year-long relationship; I was initially traumatized and began to lean heavily on a handful of close friends (all of the opposite sex). While I respect all of these individuals and would not want to "just use" any of them as a rebound to make myself feel better (and keeping in mind the fact that some are in various degrees of relationship stress themselves), I have found myself increasingly attracted to them in both a sexual and an emotional context.
I have a habit of jumping right into relationships following relationships (it makes for a great deal of mess in the long run, and is a habit that I would like to break), and would like to NOT make the same mistakes this time. I am looking for advice on how to make sure I do not mess up any of these friendships, but do so without driving myself insane or pushing these friends away.
I have found myself increasingly attracted to them in both a sexual and an emotional context... I am looking for advice on how to make sure I do not mess up any of these friendships, but do so without driving myself insane or pushing these friends away."
My answer to your question is, "Keep your hands off." But from your comment, you seem to be convinced that doing this will A. "Drive you insane" and/or B. "Drive them away."
I'm having a hard time understanding this.
If this group of people are your ONLY friends, then your definition of 'friend' seems a bit skewed.
My answer? Control what you say and do. Keep the alcohol away and use the phone if you need to talk.
Your post (purposely I assume) doesn't reveal the ages or genders of any of the players. But if "the friends" are male and you are female, I will tell you you are definitely playing with fire. And you know it. The younger you all are, the more danger as well.
All that aside, it's still just plain wrong to allow circumstances to continue that wreak emotional havoc in a group dynamic simply because not to "drives you insane."
Are just on-the-rebound-needy/ looking for sex, or do you want good friends to rely on for companionship and support now and in the future?
"While I respect all of these individuals and would not want to "just use" any of them as a rebound to make myself feel better..."
Ahem. If that is truly the case, I repeat, keep your hands off. Channel your energies elsewhere and stop wallowing.
Move on. Let the past stay there and let these 'friends' help you in other ways than sexually/emotionally- go out, go to games, movies, clubs, shopiing, hell I don't know. Get a group pedicure. Go thrifting and look for hilariously bad fashion. You must have hobbies or interests that don't all culminate in sex.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:47 AM on April 1, 2007
My answer to your question is, "Keep your hands off." But from your comment, you seem to be convinced that doing this will A. "Drive you insane" and/or B. "Drive them away."
I'm having a hard time understanding this.
If this group of people are your ONLY friends, then your definition of 'friend' seems a bit skewed.
My answer? Control what you say and do. Keep the alcohol away and use the phone if you need to talk.
Your post (purposely I assume) doesn't reveal the ages or genders of any of the players. But if "the friends" are male and you are female, I will tell you you are definitely playing with fire. And you know it. The younger you all are, the more danger as well.
All that aside, it's still just plain wrong to allow circumstances to continue that wreak emotional havoc in a group dynamic simply because not to "drives you insane."
Are just on-the-rebound-needy/ looking for sex, or do you want good friends to rely on for companionship and support now and in the future?
"While I respect all of these individuals and would not want to "just use" any of them as a rebound to make myself feel better..."
Ahem. If that is truly the case, I repeat, keep your hands off. Channel your energies elsewhere and stop wallowing.
Move on. Let the past stay there and let these 'friends' help you in other ways than sexually/emotionally- go out, go to games, movies, clubs, shopiing, hell I don't know. Get a group pedicure. Go thrifting and look for hilariously bad fashion. You must have hobbies or interests that don't all culminate in sex.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:47 AM on April 1, 2007
yeah, enjoy your friends' company and when it's time to call it a night, go home alone.
it's probably a good idea to just be alone for a while, anyway. you will, in life, have to go out in public and make decisions without the attention and approval of a significant other at some point in your life. it's nice to have a partner to bounce things off of and give you a little social insulation, but independence is one of the most important things you will ever have, whichever gender you are.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:03 AM on April 1, 2007
it's probably a good idea to just be alone for a while, anyway. you will, in life, have to go out in public and make decisions without the attention and approval of a significant other at some point in your life. it's nice to have a partner to bounce things off of and give you a little social insulation, but independence is one of the most important things you will ever have, whichever gender you are.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:03 AM on April 1, 2007
Friends can supply your emotional needs without becoming lovers.
You could always fool around with strangers.
There are other ways to deal with lonely genitalia.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:24 AM on April 1, 2007
You could always fool around with strangers.
There are other ways to deal with lonely genitalia.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:24 AM on April 1, 2007
It might be good to branch out a bit. I'm not saying that you should stop hanging out with your close friends, but broadening your social circle and hanging out with new people could lessen the chances that you'd "use" one of your close friends, and increase the chances that you'd find someone else to be attracted to.
If you really don't want to be involved with anyone right now, maybe you should concentrate on yourself for awhile by getting involved in a project, doing some reading, or learning a new skill just for your own interests. If you aren't interested in your own life it's natural that you'll want to cling to others more than is probably healthy.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:33 AM on April 1, 2007
If you really don't want to be involved with anyone right now, maybe you should concentrate on yourself for awhile by getting involved in a project, doing some reading, or learning a new skill just for your own interests. If you aren't interested in your own life it's natural that you'll want to cling to others more than is probably healthy.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:33 AM on April 1, 2007
There are going to be times in your life when you get crushes on people that, for whatever reason (you're in a relationship already, the person's a coworker, etc.) it would be a very bad idea to pursue. This is one of them, so learning how to deal with it now will serve you well in the long run.
You will not go insane if you don't hook up with your friends. I assure you. Nor do you have to cut off all contact with them. You must, however, recognize that you are on the rebound, that this is the source of your feelings, and promise yourself that you will not act on these feelings until they pass. Keep this in mind at all times. Mentally make the promise to your friends if that helps, since they also stand to lose a friendship (or at least have it fundamentally changed) if you make a move. Remind yourself that even if something hypothetically were to work out with one friend in the future, it can wait until you're more sure of your emotions.
The next step is to put the promise into action: be conscious of your weaknesses and set yourself up to avoid them. Does talking about deep relationship stuff make you touchy-feely? Do as I Love Bananas says and talk over the phone. (Also seconding the suggestion not to get drunk around your friends. Drunkenness around inappropriate crushes is a big no-no.) You're out with someone and you feel the urge to confess your undying love? Tell them you're tired and call it a night. Find other things to do that will distract you and take your time: go for bike rides, volunteer somewhere, sign yourself up for a continuing education class at a local university.
Really, though, once you've made up your mind that you're not going to act on your crushes, everything else should fall into place. You will get through this -- it just takes a little pragmatism and self-awareness.
posted by AV at 10:30 AM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
You will not go insane if you don't hook up with your friends. I assure you. Nor do you have to cut off all contact with them. You must, however, recognize that you are on the rebound, that this is the source of your feelings, and promise yourself that you will not act on these feelings until they pass. Keep this in mind at all times. Mentally make the promise to your friends if that helps, since they also stand to lose a friendship (or at least have it fundamentally changed) if you make a move. Remind yourself that even if something hypothetically were to work out with one friend in the future, it can wait until you're more sure of your emotions.
The next step is to put the promise into action: be conscious of your weaknesses and set yourself up to avoid them. Does talking about deep relationship stuff make you touchy-feely? Do as I Love Bananas says and talk over the phone. (Also seconding the suggestion not to get drunk around your friends. Drunkenness around inappropriate crushes is a big no-no.) You're out with someone and you feel the urge to confess your undying love? Tell them you're tired and call it a night. Find other things to do that will distract you and take your time: go for bike rides, volunteer somewhere, sign yourself up for a continuing education class at a local university.
Really, though, once you've made up your mind that you're not going to act on your crushes, everything else should fall into place. You will get through this -- it just takes a little pragmatism and self-awareness.
posted by AV at 10:30 AM on April 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
1st yes the author is almost surely female. So 2nd her male "just friends" will be quite capable of being both sexual partners & friends.
So I'd say, yes, go ahead & fool around with your friends. But warn them that your not sure you want anything more, and that you might break it off.
Clearly you might end up losing a friend or two. But I assure you that friendship with such guys is already doomed since they already think they love you.
So, if you don't bang them now, then once you find a guy you really like, they'll just end up declaring their love for you, and then never speaking to you again. Otoh, if you bang such guys as friends, they won't reject your friendship to protect their own egos when you choose another; you'll just their nice ex-girlfriend who still wants to be friends.
It'll be better this way.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:24 PM on April 1, 2007
So I'd say, yes, go ahead & fool around with your friends. But warn them that your not sure you want anything more, and that you might break it off.
Clearly you might end up losing a friend or two. But I assure you that friendship with such guys is already doomed since they already think they love you.
So, if you don't bang them now, then once you find a guy you really like, they'll just end up declaring their love for you, and then never speaking to you again. Otoh, if you bang such guys as friends, they won't reject your friendship to protect their own egos when you choose another; you'll just their nice ex-girlfriend who still wants to be friends.
It'll be better this way.
posted by jeffburdges at 4:24 PM on April 1, 2007
don't meet anyone new, or search for anything/one new right now. Go to the gym and work out your stress until you're so tired you can't think about it anymore. Keep doing that until you start getting over the need to be with someone and start feeling like yu can be on your own for a little while. And being on a treadmill running is a good way to spend time by yourself with your favorite music player *and* to get in shape.
seriously...you need to learn to be fine by yourself rather than hope from one relationship to the next without closure or settling any of the issues first.
posted by eatcake at 5:06 PM on April 1, 2007
seriously...you need to learn to be fine by yourself rather than hope from one relationship to the next without closure or settling any of the issues first.
posted by eatcake at 5:06 PM on April 1, 2007
I was a serial relationship-jumper myself, and I must applaud you for trying to take control and not let your animal brain sabotage you here.
I've got to counter some poor advice. This: "1st yes the author is almost surely female. So 2nd her male "just friends" will be quite capable of being both sexual partners & friends." is just silly. There is no way to know this, it's dangerous to assume so, and in my experience of friendly hookups, it's almost always been the other way around -- it's been the guy who's gotten all emotionally wonky rather than me.
To address your question: yes, being on the rebound makes your judgment kind of suspect, particularly if these friends have been providing vital emotional support, and you're smart to be aware of this. You seem to be asking specifically how to AVOID hooking up with your friends, so I don't know why there are all the chime-ins advising you to do just that. Sure, it can sometimes be easy and problem-free, but that's not what you're asking.
I'll echo some of the previous posters that a) it will not actually drive you insane not to hook up with these people and b) one of the best distractions will be to hang out with people *other* than these friends you're getting trickily close to and c) immerse yourself in the pursuit of personal goals that have nothing to do with relationships. You surely do not need to push your friends away, but if my years of experience are good for anything, I nth the suggestion that you should avoid drinking situations with these friends while you're feeling all "funny."
Look, once you implant the "not gonna do it" firmly enough in your mind, and manage to take control over your impulses in a few key moments by holding firm to that idea, it gets easier and easier.
posted by tigerbelly at 6:23 PM on April 1, 2007
I've got to counter some poor advice. This: "1st yes the author is almost surely female. So 2nd her male "just friends" will be quite capable of being both sexual partners & friends." is just silly. There is no way to know this, it's dangerous to assume so, and in my experience of friendly hookups, it's almost always been the other way around -- it's been the guy who's gotten all emotionally wonky rather than me.
To address your question: yes, being on the rebound makes your judgment kind of suspect, particularly if these friends have been providing vital emotional support, and you're smart to be aware of this. You seem to be asking specifically how to AVOID hooking up with your friends, so I don't know why there are all the chime-ins advising you to do just that. Sure, it can sometimes be easy and problem-free, but that's not what you're asking.
I'll echo some of the previous posters that a) it will not actually drive you insane not to hook up with these people and b) one of the best distractions will be to hang out with people *other* than these friends you're getting trickily close to and c) immerse yourself in the pursuit of personal goals that have nothing to do with relationships. You surely do not need to push your friends away, but if my years of experience are good for anything, I nth the suggestion that you should avoid drinking situations with these friends while you're feeling all "funny."
Look, once you implant the "not gonna do it" firmly enough in your mind, and manage to take control over your impulses in a few key moments by holding firm to that idea, it gets easier and easier.
posted by tigerbelly at 6:23 PM on April 1, 2007
I am looking for advice on how to make sure I do not mess up any of these friendships, but do so without driving myself insane or pushing these friends away.
Things don't just happen: they happen because you make choices and carry them out. People having sex, in particular, rarely just happens. There is a series of escalating interactions of intimacy leading to it. If you are serious about eschewing sexual contact with these friends don't pursue increasingly intimate interaction. It might help to tell them that you've decided to stay away from relationships for a year or something
posted by nanojath at 8:21 PM on April 1, 2007
Things don't just happen: they happen because you make choices and carry them out. People having sex, in particular, rarely just happens. There is a series of escalating interactions of intimacy leading to it. If you are serious about eschewing sexual contact with these friends don't pursue increasingly intimate interaction. It might help to tell them that you've decided to stay away from relationships for a year or something
posted by nanojath at 8:21 PM on April 1, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's almost as if you feel like you're at an impasse. That if you don't make a move in one direction or another, you'll go a bit nutters.
Perhaps you need to focus on distracting yourself with more viable, less vested alternatives. It's easier said than done, naturally, but if you feel yourself sliding down a slippery slope, and starting to fall for someone you know won't be the best thing for you right now, try to direct your energies elsewhere.
That, or determine what the objects of your desire really think, and give it a go. I've personally found it a great deal to have a distraction to transition out of a particularly rough breakup. I don't tend to do the "break up" thing, rather, I find myself sulking in the corner for a month or two, only to be lifted out of that mood when I find someone else I can focus my positive energy on/feel better about myself with.
Relationships following relationships by their very nature aren't absolutely a no-no, if you know your boundaries and how to pad things properly. It's like wearing white after labor day—technically, it's always after at least one labor day, right?
Keep staying friendly with your friends. They're your support system, and they're what's keeping you sane. Find another outlet to perhaps pursue the sexual/emotion side of things, or just to date a bit. Do what you need to get yourself out there. OR, take a deep breath, wait a few weeks, and see what your favorite friend really thinks. It could be a Good Thing™ after all.
posted by disillusioned at 7:27 AM on April 1, 2007