Is glaring at someone considered aggressive?
November 7, 2023 6:37 PM Subscribe
Is glaring at someone considered aggressive and rude? And when they look angry or squint at you while glaring? I had this happen to me and not sure if it is considered rude or appropriate social behaviour?
Response by poster: @metahawk Okay, because this person I knew looked very angry and embarrassed at me and squinted in a rude way and glared angrily with something I said—it looked almost hostile.
posted by RearWindow at 6:55 PM on November 7, 2023
posted by RearWindow at 6:55 PM on November 7, 2023
There is not enough information here to answer your question.
posted by avocet at 7:09 PM on November 7, 2023 [88 favorites]
posted by avocet at 7:09 PM on November 7, 2023 [88 favorites]
A large portion of eye movements are involuntary. People squint for a number of reasons - in particular, it's a rudimentary form of astigmatism accommodation for folks that have an uncorrected astigmatism. Facial expressions are often also involuntary - non-verbal leakage is the term for involuntary motion that may or may not match a person's conscious state.
You should pay more attention to what people do than how they look. A person who has rude/inappropriate/objectionable thoughts that never verbalizes them or acts upon them is acting entirely appropriately. People can control their conscious reaction to their thoughts. They are not, in general, able to control subconscious body movements - especially when those movements may have nothing to do with their conscious thoughts!
posted by saeculorum at 7:35 PM on November 7, 2023 [10 favorites]
You should pay more attention to what people do than how they look. A person who has rude/inappropriate/objectionable thoughts that never verbalizes them or acts upon them is acting entirely appropriately. People can control their conscious reaction to their thoughts. They are not, in general, able to control subconscious body movements - especially when those movements may have nothing to do with their conscious thoughts!
posted by saeculorum at 7:35 PM on November 7, 2023 [10 favorites]
They might have been deliberately glaring to show hostility, or they might have been so uncomfortable with the situation they grimaced. People can make funny faces sometimes that look hostile but in fact could be wincing in sympathy.
Unless you know the person well enough to know if they were hostile, and unless they did something other than look at you in a funny way, you won't be able to tell what was behind the expression. This is especially true because you looked angry and embarrassed. Your anger and feeling of being threatened socially means that you would tend to interpret them as a threat and as a bad person and it would be harder for you to accurately interpret their feelings and intentions.
They could easily have been responding to your expression by looking angry because they were afraid you were about to attack them and they instinctively tried to look menacing to keep you from getting violent.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:37 PM on November 7, 2023
Unless you know the person well enough to know if they were hostile, and unless they did something other than look at you in a funny way, you won't be able to tell what was behind the expression. This is especially true because you looked angry and embarrassed. Your anger and feeling of being threatened socially means that you would tend to interpret them as a threat and as a bad person and it would be harder for you to accurately interpret their feelings and intentions.
They could easily have been responding to your expression by looking angry because they were afraid you were about to attack them and they instinctively tried to look menacing to keep you from getting violent.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:37 PM on November 7, 2023
Did you say something that likely made that person feel hostile toward you? Are there any context clues in the conversation that would indicate why the person responded that way?
Anger is an appropriate reaction to some situations, and an angry expression is not an inappropriate way to communicate that. So the judgement of whether that was an appropriate expression is related to whether anger was an appropriate reaction to what you said.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:44 PM on November 7, 2023 [8 favorites]
Anger is an appropriate reaction to some situations, and an angry expression is not an inappropriate way to communicate that. So the judgement of whether that was an appropriate expression is related to whether anger was an appropriate reaction to what you said.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:44 PM on November 7, 2023 [8 favorites]
It's not necessarily rude, no. Glaring is one of the more polite forms of expressing disapproval.
And outward displays of disapproval may be socially appropriate at times. Glaring is not inherently rude or wrong to do.
posted by Baethan at 8:18 PM on November 7, 2023 [15 favorites]
And outward displays of disapproval may be socially appropriate at times. Glaring is not inherently rude or wrong to do.
posted by Baethan at 8:18 PM on November 7, 2023 [15 favorites]
I don't think squinting or staring at someone is inappropriate social behavior when people are in a setting (like a classroom, arts event, conference, even a city hearing) in which people are having a discussion or making comments to the room like in a Q&A. What would be inappropriate is shouting down or interrupting someone as they are speaking.
As a PhD student, I often disagreed (strongly!) with what other students said and even what professors said. Sometimes it's not even disagreement, but a kind of discomfort with what or how people are speaking - for example, the infamous question that is really a comment in the Q&A after a panel discussion. While I try not to actually frown, I definitely show some reaction on my face, and narrowing my eyes slightly / opening them wider / looking more intently at the person while furrowing my brow is a common one. A kind of silent "did that person really say that?" I hope I didn't unduly stress out my classmates, but I also think that it is very difficult to hold poker faces and show no reactions during class discussions or public events. In some ways I think it is ruder to try to hide my expressions, because that usually entails hiding my face by covering it with my palm or bowing my head.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:08 PM on November 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
As a PhD student, I often disagreed (strongly!) with what other students said and even what professors said. Sometimes it's not even disagreement, but a kind of discomfort with what or how people are speaking - for example, the infamous question that is really a comment in the Q&A after a panel discussion. While I try not to actually frown, I definitely show some reaction on my face, and narrowing my eyes slightly / opening them wider / looking more intently at the person while furrowing my brow is a common one. A kind of silent "did that person really say that?" I hope I didn't unduly stress out my classmates, but I also think that it is very difficult to hold poker faces and show no reactions during class discussions or public events. In some ways I think it is ruder to try to hide my expressions, because that usually entails hiding my face by covering it with my palm or bowing my head.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:08 PM on November 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
because this person I knew looked very angry and embarrassed at me and squinted in a rude way and glared angrily with something I said—it looked almost hostile.
Fear can cause an expression like that. People could look like that when they have encountered something that touched a deep nerve; instinctive not constructed. You may have watched them experiencing something raw and real. Their 'angry and embarrassed' emotions could have been focused on themself.
If your own speech was benign, I'd not ascribe any intent.
posted by Thella at 10:59 PM on November 7, 2023
Fear can cause an expression like that. People could look like that when they have encountered something that touched a deep nerve; instinctive not constructed. You may have watched them experiencing something raw and real. Their 'angry and embarrassed' emotions could have been focused on themself.
If your own speech was benign, I'd not ascribe any intent.
posted by Thella at 10:59 PM on November 7, 2023
Are you marginalised/Othered in some way that they could have been glaring at you because of their prejudices rather than because of anything that you did?
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 12:05 AM on November 8, 2023
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 12:05 AM on November 8, 2023
glared angrily with something I said
In that case it really would be essential to know what it was that you said in order to answer this. Could you share what it was that you said?
posted by Umami Dearest at 2:14 AM on November 8, 2023 [12 favorites]
In that case it really would be essential to know what it was that you said in order to answer this. Could you share what it was that you said?
posted by Umami Dearest at 2:14 AM on November 8, 2023 [12 favorites]
There isn't nearly enough information to go on here.
posted by champers at 2:16 AM on November 8, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by champers at 2:16 AM on November 8, 2023 [8 favorites]
Reasons I might glare at you and it might be no big deal:
1. The sun, or a bright light, is in my eyes.
2. I am short-sighted and not wearing my glasses; I can't see you clearly and thought you were somebody else.
3. You are a little short-sighted and you mis-read my facial expression; maybe its the light?
4. I am looking in your direction by chance but happen to be thinking of somebody I am mentally glaring at.
5. As above but I am on a call with somebody who I am mentally glaring it.
6. I'm not glaring at you but the great idiot standing behind you.
posted by rongorongo at 3:23 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
1. The sun, or a bright light, is in my eyes.
2. I am short-sighted and not wearing my glasses; I can't see you clearly and thought you were somebody else.
3. You are a little short-sighted and you mis-read my facial expression; maybe its the light?
4. I am looking in your direction by chance but happen to be thinking of somebody I am mentally glaring at.
5. As above but I am on a call with somebody who I am mentally glaring it.
6. I'm not glaring at you but the great idiot standing behind you.
posted by rongorongo at 3:23 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
It depends on their culture and yours. I'm comfortable glaring at people from my culture and being glared at, in particular contexts. Conversely, I work with people from other cultures where many forms of eye contact can be offensive or improper (and so those people can be seen as shifty or avoidant by people who are comfortable with eye contact, even though they are actually being respectful).
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 3:48 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 3:48 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
In general, if someone glares at you it means they are mad at you.
However, for this SPECIFIC situation, I unfortunately don't know enough to say whether this person really WAS glaring at you -
1. I don't know if you did or said anything in particular that may have CAUSED them to glare at you,
2. I don't know what they did before or after,
3. I don't know if you know this person or if they are a stranger,
4. I'm not even really sure if what you're describing is a glare.
If this is a person you don't know, and they just made this weird facial expression at you but you're not ever really going to see them again, I would just brush it off as a weird thing a stranger did but ultimately not your problem.
If this is a person you DO know, but that everything else seems fine about your relationship with them, I would assume they were just trying to hold back a sneeze or something.
If this is a person you do know and they also seem upset about something, I would gently ask what's wrong, and deal with it that way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
However, for this SPECIFIC situation, I unfortunately don't know enough to say whether this person really WAS glaring at you -
1. I don't know if you did or said anything in particular that may have CAUSED them to glare at you,
2. I don't know what they did before or after,
3. I don't know if you know this person or if they are a stranger,
4. I'm not even really sure if what you're describing is a glare.
If this is a person you don't know, and they just made this weird facial expression at you but you're not ever really going to see them again, I would just brush it off as a weird thing a stranger did but ultimately not your problem.
If this is a person you DO know, but that everything else seems fine about your relationship with them, I would assume they were just trying to hold back a sneeze or something.
If this is a person you do know and they also seem upset about something, I would gently ask what's wrong, and deal with it that way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
Glaring at someone could be rude or could be an appropriate response to what the other person was doing - it depends on the context of what you were doing and saying. It’s also entirely possible that the face was in response to a thought or feeling they were having, and not about you at all.
posted by Stacey at 4:00 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Stacey at 4:00 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
You may want to self reflect on what you think you did to merit that response. Glaring is the most socially acceptable response to a problem between two people. It's a lot better than swearing, hitting, stabbing or shooting. Without being willing to o supply more details the proper answer here is for you to self reflect.
posted by JJ86 at 4:09 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by JJ86 at 4:09 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
looked very angry and embarrassed at me and squinted in a rude way and glared angrily with something I said
What did you say?
posted by avocet at 4:21 AM on November 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
What did you say?
posted by avocet at 4:21 AM on November 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
I was waiting for an event to start with a friend recently and she offered a bite of her doughnut and I apparently made a weird face while I mentally calculated carbs already eaten that day before turning her down. She asked me flat out what was with the face and I was like "oh, that was my mental math face I can't add silently in my head without it leaking out". I offer this example to say that weird faces can be a lot of things.
But I mean, she had offered me a doughnut so it wasn't a big deal. Did you just say something that might have made someone angry? Tell an off colour joke? Misgender a mutual acquaintance? Perform a microaggression? Disagree with them in any way? It is often far easier to know if you have offended someone by considering your own behavior then by evaluating theirs
posted by jacquilynne at 4:42 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
But I mean, she had offered me a doughnut so it wasn't a big deal. Did you just say something that might have made someone angry? Tell an off colour joke? Misgender a mutual acquaintance? Perform a microaggression? Disagree with them in any way? It is often far easier to know if you have offended someone by considering your own behavior then by evaluating theirs
posted by jacquilynne at 4:42 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Couple of comments removed. Please don't talk down to the OP or get into arguments with other commenters.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:08 AM on November 8, 2023
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:08 AM on November 8, 2023
In general it is not rude to be (or look) angry, no.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:44 AM on November 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 5:44 AM on November 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
I don't necessarily think glaring is rude, it really depends on the situation. I would very much resist characterizing a facial expression as "aggressive" unless it was accompanied by loud vocalizations, for example.
As other have said, facial expressions can be mis-interpreted. Just because you see it as one way, doesn't mean they are in fact glaring at you. (The phrase "feelings are not facts" sometimes helps with framing this.) Also, keep in mind, someone's reaction could be to other stimulus, not what you were talking about/saying.
If this was a minor interaction that doesn't matter, let it go. If this was with someone you want a better rapport with, the onus might be on you to go the next step and assess what you said. Is there a greater issue that this negative interaction is part of? I'd worry about that, not scoring some kind of etiquette bingo point about them being rude.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
As other have said, facial expressions can be mis-interpreted. Just because you see it as one way, doesn't mean they are in fact glaring at you. (The phrase "feelings are not facts" sometimes helps with framing this.) Also, keep in mind, someone's reaction could be to other stimulus, not what you were talking about/saying.
If this was a minor interaction that doesn't matter, let it go. If this was with someone you want a better rapport with, the onus might be on you to go the next step and assess what you said. Is there a greater issue that this negative interaction is part of? I'd worry about that, not scoring some kind of etiquette bingo point about them being rude.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Even assuming the person was neurotypical, there's no way to know whether they intended to glare. And if they weren't (and sometimes even if they were), there's the additional possibility that they were intending to convey one type of information, such as being engaged with what you were saying, but inadvertently conveyed what you interpreted as anger or disapproval.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:01 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:01 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I used to be triggered a lot by strangers staring at me in public. At some point I realized that a significant amount of people are impaired or delayed, and it takes them a long time to look at something and process it mentally. Now I just assume that's the case unless something indicates otherwise.
posted by jabah at 6:01 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by jabah at 6:01 AM on November 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Are you asking if it's acceptable to characterise this person's behaviour as aggressive or rude when making a complaint--formal or otherwise? If so, no. A facial expression is not enough to call a person either aggressive or rude, regardless of what you said or how squinty or hostile they looked, to the point where you could complain about it. There is not enough evidence of aggression or rudeness.
posted by guessthis at 6:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by guessthis at 6:59 AM on November 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
I am nearsighted and have a perpetually grumpy expression. The recent years of being on Zoom so much as taught me that I scowl and squint often, no matter what my mood is. The person might not have been glaring at you at all, and if they were... a facial expression can't hurt you, right? Without knowing more context, I don't think anyone here can interpret the interaction.
posted by maryellenreads at 8:16 AM on November 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by maryellenreads at 8:16 AM on November 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
It is never rude or socially unacceptable for people to feel angry towards you. People are allowed to feel whatever they like towards whomever they like, even if their reasons for feeling it are totally ridiculous. Their feelings are their own, and what's rude is for anyone else to judge, shame, pressure, or make them feel bad over it.
People are also allowed to express their anger by glaring at you, and the glaring is not considered rude as long as the reason they are angry with you is valid. For example it's rude to glare at a drag queen because you disapprove of cross-dressing, but it's not rude to glare at them for wearing an overpowering perfume in an enclosed space. This can be subjective, and you may not think the glarer has a valid reason in your case, but also: if you find yourself upset for more than a couple of minutes about someone's glare, you're probably overreacting. It's just a glare. You can turn away and ignore it. It's really not a big deal.
posted by MiraK at 8:23 AM on November 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
People are also allowed to express their anger by glaring at you, and the glaring is not considered rude as long as the reason they are angry with you is valid. For example it's rude to glare at a drag queen because you disapprove of cross-dressing, but it's not rude to glare at them for wearing an overpowering perfume in an enclosed space. This can be subjective, and you may not think the glarer has a valid reason in your case, but also: if you find yourself upset for more than a couple of minutes about someone's glare, you're probably overreacting. It's just a glare. You can turn away and ignore it. It's really not a big deal.
posted by MiraK at 8:23 AM on November 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you find yourself upset for more than a couple of minutes about someone's glare, you're probably overreacting. It's just a glare. You can turn away and ignore it. It's really not a big deal
It depends on how often it happens - if people glare/scowl at you every single time you leave the house because you are, for example, fat; or a wheelchair user; or a person of colour; all those glares/scowls really add up!
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:37 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
It depends on how often it happens - if people glare/scowl at you every single time you leave the house because you are, for example, fat; or a wheelchair user; or a person of colour; all those glares/scowls really add up!
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:37 AM on November 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
“I had it happen to me” sounds fairly singular but the point about micro aggressions is something to be aware of on both sides - when I started monitoring a program I was overseeing I did some observations around correcting elementary-aged students and I found some of my staff were harder on/more aware of perceived slights/“bad” expressions on the part of our Black boys, which is unfortunately in line with what happens sometimes in our school boards. (Some training helped right away.) So like, if you are finding yourself more aware of someone’s glare/frown, it’s a good personal check to be sure you are not on the other end either.
Anyways…if none of that applies, I think a glare is not what I would call aggressive. It could be negative, but people are allowed negative responses. A peacemaking approach would be to get curious about it and at a later time (if it’s someone you know), mention it’s on your mind and you’d like to know if there’s anything you should be aware of…and then listen to the feedback open heartedly. Personally, I find it easier 99% of the time to let it go. Sometimes people get frustrated or mad and it’s ok to let that moment pass and move on.
But more details would really help because the context is so important.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
Anyways…if none of that applies, I think a glare is not what I would call aggressive. It could be negative, but people are allowed negative responses. A peacemaking approach would be to get curious about it and at a later time (if it’s someone you know), mention it’s on your mind and you’d like to know if there’s anything you should be aware of…and then listen to the feedback open heartedly. Personally, I find it easier 99% of the time to let it go. Sometimes people get frustrated or mad and it’s ok to let that moment pass and move on.
But more details would really help because the context is so important.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:31 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
I frown when I'm reading or writing, I frown when I'm thinking / concentrating, I frown when I'm trying to remember something ... basically, I do a lot of frowning, and when I accidentally catch sight of myself in such a state, I'm always surprised that I seem to look so angry, because 98 percent of the time, I'm not — I'm just in brain-engaged mode. However, the odd thing is that nobody reacts to me like I'm frowning / angry, so maybe I subconsciously modulate my expression when other people are around. I have no idea. But if you ever caught me glaring at you, I'd probably just be trying to remember what was on my grocery list I forgot, or somesuch. Also, I don't really glare to show disapproval — it's the cold stare for me. I think a purposeful (not accidental) glare is aggressive, and if I'm angry enough to glare at you, you better believe I'd be telling you why.
posted by taz at 10:47 AM on November 8, 2023
posted by taz at 10:47 AM on November 8, 2023
Coming back in to expound a bit on one of my comments:
"If this is a person you don't know, and they just made this weird facial expression at you but you're not ever really going to see them again, I would just brush it off as a weird thing a stranger did but ultimately not your problem."
I had something even stranger happen to me. For about a year I had a commute that required me to change subways at a certain point in Downtown Manhattan, and I always had to walk from one end of the subway terminal clear to the other, up and down some stairs and down a few hallways. I was doing this at rush hour, and so it was always pretty busy.
Because this was a lot of people's regular commute home, a lot of the same people were doing the same thing at about the same time. And about four times during that year, I would pass by this one man at some point, who was always headed in the opposite direction - and whenever he saw me, he would stare hard at me, look me dead in the eyes, and slap himself on the side of the face.
To this very day I have no idea what on earth he was doing, or why he chose to single me out for this gesture, or what that gesture even means. I only saw him a handful of times, and the only reason I remember him is because that whole gesture was just so baffling. And for a while I did try to figure out what it meant and what he was doing - but then I decided I would never be able to, and he was someone who was a stranger and I hadn't ever been doing anything aside from walking down a hall past him anyway, so I just decided that "he's just a weirdo doing weirdo things" and decided not to worry about it. I'm still a bit curious what that gesture means, but I'm confident enough that I personally hadn't done anything to provoke it.
OP - I think our point is, whether or not glaring at someone is aggressive is a question that a lot of us can't really answer without a good deal more context. In the case of that man who slapped the side of his face at me, the context was "he was a stranger and just saw me minding my own business and did that", and that's what lead me to decide that "it was weird, but ultimately not anything I need to worry about." But if the context was "he was a stranger but he followed me around and did that at me," then that might be a little more cause for concern. And if it was a friend who just randomly started slapping his face at me out of nowhere, that would be cause for me to ask "yo, what the hell are you doing?"
I think the reason your'e getting a lot of conflicting answers is that we don't know that context in your case. And context matters a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
"If this is a person you don't know, and they just made this weird facial expression at you but you're not ever really going to see them again, I would just brush it off as a weird thing a stranger did but ultimately not your problem."
I had something even stranger happen to me. For about a year I had a commute that required me to change subways at a certain point in Downtown Manhattan, and I always had to walk from one end of the subway terminal clear to the other, up and down some stairs and down a few hallways. I was doing this at rush hour, and so it was always pretty busy.
Because this was a lot of people's regular commute home, a lot of the same people were doing the same thing at about the same time. And about four times during that year, I would pass by this one man at some point, who was always headed in the opposite direction - and whenever he saw me, he would stare hard at me, look me dead in the eyes, and slap himself on the side of the face.
To this very day I have no idea what on earth he was doing, or why he chose to single me out for this gesture, or what that gesture even means. I only saw him a handful of times, and the only reason I remember him is because that whole gesture was just so baffling. And for a while I did try to figure out what it meant and what he was doing - but then I decided I would never be able to, and he was someone who was a stranger and I hadn't ever been doing anything aside from walking down a hall past him anyway, so I just decided that "he's just a weirdo doing weirdo things" and decided not to worry about it. I'm still a bit curious what that gesture means, but I'm confident enough that I personally hadn't done anything to provoke it.
OP - I think our point is, whether or not glaring at someone is aggressive is a question that a lot of us can't really answer without a good deal more context. In the case of that man who slapped the side of his face at me, the context was "he was a stranger and just saw me minding my own business and did that", and that's what lead me to decide that "it was weird, but ultimately not anything I need to worry about." But if the context was "he was a stranger but he followed me around and did that at me," then that might be a little more cause for concern. And if it was a friend who just randomly started slapping his face at me out of nowhere, that would be cause for me to ask "yo, what the hell are you doing?"
I think the reason your'e getting a lot of conflicting answers is that we don't know that context in your case. And context matters a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:54 AM on November 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
What country/social group are you in? There are strong differences in body language guideline across cultures, and those can sometimes cause incidents.
In some countries, looking at a stranger in the eyes while passing by is considered rude or provocative. In others, it is considered polite to look at people. There are also cultural guidelines for how long it is permissible to look at someone before they feel threatened.
The fact that you describe the person "squinting" before glaring also suggests something else may be going on: Maybe they were near sighted and suddenly noticed you approaching and got spooked?
Were you perhaps wearing something that confused them or caused them to react, like a T-shirt for a band they didn't like, or too many bright colors or a weird hat?
When I first moved from France to the US, decades ago, I was still a teenager and not only lacked body language skills, but also knowledge of US attitudes. I would walk around Boston and Cambridge MA (not the most progressive area at the time) and would often get into similar mysterious scrapes. My clothing was colorful (acid bright colors were in for teens in Italy and France that summer, but - unbeknownst to me - definitely not OK for US teens. Talk about glaring! Drivers would stop and yell stuff. Plus, I was always told that it was rude NOT to look at people, that it made one look evasive. So I forced myself to try and make eye contact. Bad idea at the time! Fellow MIT students would feel intimidated, people in the tube would move back or - indeed - glare. It didn't take long to catch up on this and adapt a little.
Nowadays, being much older, I'm practically invisible. I can go out in my "Obey Cthulhu!" T shirt without causing a fuss. And I no longer stare at strangers in public transportation. (Well, maybe a little, more discreetly, if they are exceedingly weird or interesting looking!)
As others pointed out, it's really hard to tell whether you are over-reacting to a normal situation or dealing with an unpleasant person. Give us more context? Or just stop worrying about it unless it keeps happening.
Last thing: EmpressCallipygos' story takes the cake! Having a person slap themselves every time they passed me would have gotten under my skin.... Brrrr!
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 11:07 PM on November 8, 2023
In some countries, looking at a stranger in the eyes while passing by is considered rude or provocative. In others, it is considered polite to look at people. There are also cultural guidelines for how long it is permissible to look at someone before they feel threatened.
The fact that you describe the person "squinting" before glaring also suggests something else may be going on: Maybe they were near sighted and suddenly noticed you approaching and got spooked?
Were you perhaps wearing something that confused them or caused them to react, like a T-shirt for a band they didn't like, or too many bright colors or a weird hat?
When I first moved from France to the US, decades ago, I was still a teenager and not only lacked body language skills, but also knowledge of US attitudes. I would walk around Boston and Cambridge MA (not the most progressive area at the time) and would often get into similar mysterious scrapes. My clothing was colorful (acid bright colors were in for teens in Italy and France that summer, but - unbeknownst to me - definitely not OK for US teens. Talk about glaring! Drivers would stop and yell stuff. Plus, I was always told that it was rude NOT to look at people, that it made one look evasive. So I forced myself to try and make eye contact. Bad idea at the time! Fellow MIT students would feel intimidated, people in the tube would move back or - indeed - glare. It didn't take long to catch up on this and adapt a little.
Nowadays, being much older, I'm practically invisible. I can go out in my "Obey Cthulhu!" T shirt without causing a fuss. And I no longer stare at strangers in public transportation. (Well, maybe a little, more discreetly, if they are exceedingly weird or interesting looking!)
As others pointed out, it's really hard to tell whether you are over-reacting to a normal situation or dealing with an unpleasant person. Give us more context? Or just stop worrying about it unless it keeps happening.
Last thing: EmpressCallipygos' story takes the cake! Having a person slap themselves every time they passed me would have gotten under my skin.... Brrrr!
posted by Bigbootay. Tay! Tay! Blam! Aargh... at 11:07 PM on November 8, 2023
In your post history, you have several questions about interpreting eye contact. Whether a professor was staring ‘lustfully’ at your friend, or if your therapist was attracted to you because of sustained eye contact. These questions are interesting given your previous crushes on your professor and therapist, and it’s hard to tell whether: (a) these people are picking up on the crush ‘vibes’ and responding in kind; or (b) you are reading too much into things.
I suggest you practice some of those ‘emotion recognition’ online tests (where you have to guess a person’s emotional state based on their facial expression). This will give you an understanding of how on/off-point your assessments are, and maybe provide some practical training on how to read body language. I really don’t think our text-based guesswork, based on limited background information, will help you very much.
posted by primavera_f at 1:00 AM on November 9, 2023 [19 favorites]
I suggest you practice some of those ‘emotion recognition’ online tests (where you have to guess a person’s emotional state based on their facial expression). This will give you an understanding of how on/off-point your assessments are, and maybe provide some practical training on how to read body language. I really don’t think our text-based guesswork, based on limited background information, will help you very much.
posted by primavera_f at 1:00 AM on November 9, 2023 [19 favorites]
Keep in mind that some people's faces are often read to look angry when they aren't. Smaller eyes, narrow eye shape, dark eye colour, naturally pushed-out lips, prominent chins, heavy foreheads, and arched eyebrows can all be read as "angry looking" when they're just neutral facial features. I've also seen many a person incorrectly attribute negative emotions to racialized people.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:51 PM on November 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:51 PM on November 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've also seen many a person incorrectly attribute negative emotions to racialized people.
* Or people who are of a race that is less-familiar to them.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:55 AM on November 14, 2023
* Or people who are of a race that is less-familiar to them.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:55 AM on November 14, 2023
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
Just because you thought you were being glared at doesn't mean that was the other's person's intention. So, before labelling the behavior, it is important to realize the possibility that you may be misinterpreting the person's expression. Perhaps it was just a stare or a preoccupied gaze?
Assuming it was a glare, I would argue that a glare is a socially appropriate response when the person who is being glared at has violated a social norms. So, making a joking insult at someone else's expense merits a glare. Unwrapping noisy candy in a hushed concert venue deserves a glare. Taking a nanosecond too long to get money out of your wallet, undeserved.
posted by metahawk at 6:50 PM on November 7, 2023 [12 favorites]