How much is too much when it comes to attaining your life's goals?

August 8, 2022 7:32 PM

So I'm having one of those days in which I start questioning some of the things I've been doing for my own personal goals. Recently, I've been having all sorts about some stuff, and I wonder if at times there will ever be a point in which I think I've done enough with my personal goals.

Some examples:

I've made a lot of friends already. It wasn't exactly easy, especially in my situation, I came to Canada on my own and didn't really know anybody. So yeah, I built my friends circle from scratch, and it's almost always me and a few people that organize everything and that meet new people and get them to go to our stuff. However, sometimes I'm always going on about meeting new people, branching out into different places and making more friends, as if my current friends were not enough.

I'm also getting a master's degree in Computer Science. Well, I'm looking into getting another master's in finance eventually, focused on math, programming and application of machine learning to financial markets. I'm closed to finishing my current degree, and I'm already looking to start another.

I've currently got a part-time job, in addition to everything I do. Once I finish my degree, I'm looking into how I can make some extra income from that part-time job along with another full-time job, if only so that I can take that money and put it into a business I want to start.

I lost a lot of weight, I got lower than what I was targeting. I still want to lose another 5-8 kgs and want to be even fitter (even though I walk around 20,000 - 40,000 steps a day).

I'm still learning French, I take 45 min classes every day + 2 hours on Saturday. My level has significantly improved after a month. I'm still not happy with my level and want it to be further ahead, to the point where I'm making few mistakes.

I want to make my stay in Canada permanent. This is pretty much a matter of time for me. If I pass a French test it's over, if I get my degree it's over as well (and I'm probably going to get my degree at the end of this year at best, start of next one at worst). I only know one other person who has done this as fast as I did.

All of this, is at times, too much. I like the way I am, like a lot, but the other day I was thinking about how sometimes it's just so exhausting to be myself. Besides that, even with all these things I do, there are other things I want to do too. I want to devote more time into relationships (romantic and otherwise) and sometimes all this stuff I do seems like an impediment towards that.

At any rate, I don't see myself slowing down any time soon. I don't see myself saying that I've done enough, and I don't think I will ever say that. I like myself too much the way I am.

Anyway, I don't suppose anybody has any advice? Anybody have similar experiences? Any recommendations?

posted by Tarsonis10 to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Personally, I think relationships are very important and worth prioritizing. If you like the things you do and you like the way you are, like a lot, then you're doing great.

When you're ready to devote more time to different things such as relationships, you'll find a way to prioritize them. Until then, no need to worry about it.
posted by aniola at 7:55 PM on August 8, 2022 [1 favorite]

I'd drop the second master's degree. Waste of time and money.
posted by mr_roboto at 8:02 PM on August 8, 2022 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: ^You say that but you should see the price tag and time limit for this degree. $6,800 if you're a Quebec resident. Few other unis in Canada offer this and it takes at most 16 months.

Of course, I won't do it unless I can still work full time and do the all the other stuff I want to do (which I'm perfectly capable of doing simultaneously).
posted by Tarsonis10 at 8:22 PM on August 8, 2022

If a relationship is important to you, you do need to put in the time dating to find someone compatible. So I would try to incorporate dating into other things you do-

Exercise is an obvious way to double up on dating: Go for rambling evening walks for early dates (when you feel safe with the person / in populated areas)! Bring travel mugs of wine if you lean that way. You could do paired bike rides, gym workouts, sports, hikes, etc too.

Mention French in your dating profile and maybe you’ll meet someone nice to practice with. If you’re seeing someone more seriously you could go on a trip to Quebec or a French speaking city (Winnipeg? Ottawa?) and practice French there, too.

Try to meet a person whose interests and lifestyle are a good fit with your lifestyle, rather than adding in their interests too.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:29 PM on August 8, 2022

I'd make sure you do some reading/light research in the area of burnout (Emily Nagoski's book is great) so that you can learn to recognize signs in yourself that you might be taking on too much at a given time & be able to adjust before the burnout happens rather than dealing with the fallout afterwards. Otherwise, if you're happy with how you're spending your time there's really not a right or wrong here.
posted by augustimagination at 8:32 PM on August 8, 2022 [3 favorites]

Sometimes we fill up our time with less important things because we are scared to deal with the more important things or to pursue what we really want (and this is often very unconscious).

So I am wondering if you are filling your time to avoid dating and romantic relationships and further developing friendships and other relationships too. Might be worth taking some time to reflect on that. Relationships are what life is about.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:14 PM on August 8, 2022 [4 favorites]

It sounds like you've been fixated on "young person" self-building, and you've done great at that (moving countries, qualifications, building friendships, getting in shape, all that kind of thing). It also sounds like you're maybe a bit sick of being so busy. I understand that.

At some point most people switch "modes" into living the life they have spent so much effort building. Having a career that justifies all the education, enjoying your health and friends. Is it possible you're feeling guilty about doing that? Don't be. There are no prizes for dying with twelve masters degrees. There's only enjoying life while you can.
posted by tillsbury at 11:24 PM on August 8, 2022 [9 favorites]

For many people achieving things starts to ring hollow at a certain time in life. After certain life events I started asking myself what was the point of everything I was trying to achieve. That's when I switched from achieving 'life goals' to, as tillsbury puts in, living life.

I now find the idea of life goals rather hollow as there's only one end to life and it doesn't come with a diploma or any specific achievement. After an achievement there is always the next thing one could achieve. At some point in life you might want to reframe 'life goals' to move closer to how you want to live your life.

For instance, is the point to be fluent in a language, or is the point to enjoy its literature and film, communicate and immerse yourself in the world of its speakers? Is the point to walk xxxx steps a day, or is it to be comfortable and fluid in in your body? Here, you're not going to get the sudden rush of an achievement, or the realisation that there is another mountain peak for you to conquer. It's more about being in touch with what you value in life and whether you are truly behaving in a way that embodies those values.

This resonated with me - it may or may not resonate with you. Or something like it might resonate with you later in life - that is fine too, as this might be the right thing for you now. I'd just say, be aware of whether you are finding achievement fulfilling, or if it is starting to ring hollow.
posted by tavegyl at 1:19 AM on August 9, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: The point of learning French is that it helps a lot here in Canada. Besides that, I just can't learn it half way or really do anything half way.

I think what someone else said is right. I should look into integrating what I do into dating.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 4:31 AM on August 9, 2022

Best answer: I had two very close friends from high school who were hyper-ambitious in the way you describe. I worried about both of them. Their ambition shaded into abnegation and self-harm. Both could seem hollow at times, driven but with no purpose beyond the drive.

Both are now in their mid-thirties and doing marvelously. One is a doctor and just had her third kid; the other is a doctor and a professor at a medical school.

After seeing their journeys, I would offer you one piece of advice. Make sure your ambition is serving you, not itself. You should be setting goals based on your values and your psychological needs, not on whatever whiff of blood your ambition picked up on the wind.

Many self-help books can guide you on aligning your goals with your values (I know Getting Things Done has a section on that) and a therapist can help you get in touch with your needs.
posted by Ptrin at 5:16 AM on August 9, 2022 [4 favorites]

Goals are all very well, to the extent that they serve the addressing of needs.

One of the best goals I ever set myself was working out exactly how few of those there actually are. Studying people whose company I genuinely and unreservedly enjoyed so as to find out what they considered to be needs rather than mere nice-to-haves was helpful, but the big first step was clearly identifying how fast the lack of any given need-candidate could potentially kill me.

My top needs, ordered that way, are as follows:

1. Breathable air (minutes).
2. Potable water (days).
3. Shelter from extreme cold and heat (days).
4. Good sleep (weeks to months).
5. Nutritious food (months).
6. Regular moderate exercise (years).
7. Love (years).

Turns out that adequately and sustainably addressing all of those is harder than it looks and plenty to be going on with. Also turns out that checking any proposed goal against its likely effect on all of them is a pretty useful filter.
posted by flabdablet at 6:45 AM on August 9, 2022 [1 favorite]

For each area (master's degree, learning French, walking 20k-40k steps), think about how you feel while you're doing it. Does it make you happy and fulfilled in the moment, most of the time? Or does it make you tired and self-doubting, but you convince yourself that one day you'll reach a magic threshold where it'll all pay off?

For example, some people exercise every day because it makes them happy. Even if it didn't change the way they look, they would still exercise. Other people grit their teeth and exercise in the hopes that when they reach their goal weight, they'll finally be happy. One day, they reach their goal weight and they're overjoyed ... for a couple weeks. Then they're back to the same feelings of emptiness, so they decide the answer must be that their goal weight wasn't low enough. They set a lower goal weight, convinced that when they reach THAT weight, they'll finally be happy.

I recommend a data-driven approach. How did you feel the past 10 times that you reached a goal? Did you become permanently happier? Or was it mostly unfulfilling except for brief moments of feeling validated? Did you just set a new goal, convinced that the new goal will finally make you happy? If reaching the past 10 goals didn't make you happier in a lasting way, the next 10 similar goals probably won't either.
posted by cheesecake at 7:28 AM on August 9, 2022

I feel like if you were actually finding all of this stuff satisfying you wouldn't always be here asking, essentially, "Dear AskMe, I'm much too perfect to even live, is there such a thing as TOO amazing??"

You are recognizing that something is missing. I can't tell you what that thing is; my educated guess is it's missing "people/things/places/work you give a shit about." In other words, meaning.

You're ticking boxes and always being careful to choose the Best Most Rightestest Thing but...do you have any idea why? Not the "because I need it for Canadian residency" why, the ACTUAL why. Where did you learn that you had to achieve everything that is possible to achieve? Where did you learn that you weren't good enough as you are?

Are you waiting for someone to do or say something about your achievements? Are you waiting for permission to stop?

All stuff to dig into with a therapist, I suppose. "I've got everything but I'm still unhappy" is like, the classic therapy problem.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:44 AM on August 9, 2022 [23 favorites]

You've given us a list of all the things you do that are in service of various goals you've set for yourself. What I'm not hearing from you is any joy. Of all the things on that list, which ones (if any) are the ones that, while you're doing them, you actually enjoy them? Do you love your friends and feel happy planning social activities and then doing the activities with your friends? Do you enjoy all that walking? Do you like your French lessons, during the lessons? Are you having fun in your grad school classes? During what parts of all this activity are you really, joyfully happy?
posted by decathecting at 7:50 AM on August 9, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Real joyful happiness is not one of my needs, as it turns out. There have been parts of my life lasting decades with only very infrequent and fleeting instances of that and the lack of it has never come even close to killing me.

Sure, it's lovely when it turns up, and I fully appreciate it when it does, and when my actual needs are consistently being met it surely gets more opportunities to do so, but it seems to me that one of the standard life traps is setting goals with the intent of achieving real joyful happiness that (a) won't and (b) make it harder to fulfil actual needs.

So I am totally not a fan of mandatory happiness, nor of the idea that a life that isn't stuffed to the gills with joy is somehow inadequate or lacking. Tragic shit happens, and misery happens as a result of it, and that has to be acceptable or it's toot toot toot for a ride on the mental illness train.
posted by flabdablet at 8:15 AM on August 9, 2022 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm not unhappy with the way I do things. It's just that I want to do all the things that I've mentioned, but sometimes it seems like I might be forced to choose. The only real thing I'm not sure if I've liked so much is that master's in CS. Most of the other things I like doing, and I feel that they've made me grow as a person.

Perhaps this question is worded wrong, and I should have asked more about how to deal with the stress that comes from doing all these mentally taxing things. I'm not stopping, the truth is that I'm just not capable of stopping, I could not just do the bare minimum, it isn't in me to be that way. I would like to handle the stress better though.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 8:18 AM on August 9, 2022

Best answer: I want to do all the things that I've mentioned, but sometimes it seems like I might be forced to choose.

Welcome to life.

Choosing wisely is pretty much the entire trick.

Like everything, skill at doing that improves with conscious, attentive practice.
posted by flabdablet at 8:20 AM on August 9, 2022 [3 favorites]

Building yourself up is an impediment to dating. Billy Bragg wrote Scholarship is the Enemy of Romance a long time ago. So honestly you should hold off on dating until you graduate, because one or the other will have to suffer. You will also not be able to start a business while you have a job and a part time job (unless you business doesn't take much time). So then you will have to choose.

You don't say how old you are, but remember, you have time! You can still get some degrees, start a business, and find a romantic partner. Just try to do them in series if you aren't the type to give less than 100%.
posted by The_Vegetables at 12:43 PM on August 9, 2022 [1 favorite]

Hi Tarsonis, if you are still reading - i am sorry you disabled your account.
I hesitated to reply earlier, as i don't think i could contribute meaningfully, except that you sound lonely. In real life i would just try and take you for a coffee and listen, and perhaps suggest seeing a therapist because it sounds like you are very driven with no-one to appreciate your accomplishments in real life and therapy for me has been a process these last three years to come to appreciate myself, my accomplishments but also perceived failures. And to work through this need for seeking acceptance by performing (i ended in burnout after being the "perfect" employee for over a decade). Ideally a therapist can be this person to help you love yourself. But then i am i guess twice your age and at a very different point in life. Sending you good vibes if you want them, an internet stranger
posted by 15L06 at 6:21 AM on August 10, 2022

Saw this article and you might relate.
posted by aniola at 12:38 PM on August 10, 2022