Dealing with well-meaning people after significant weight loss
July 15, 2022 9:19 PM Subscribe
Looking for strategies on how to handle work situations where people ask intrusive questions after significant weight loss that happened for health reasons.
At the beginning of this year, I ended up with a number of health issues all at once. It’s been a terribly difficult year so far, and I’ve had to completely change my diet and routines. All of this together has caused significant weight loss – almost 50 pounds and still dropping. For most people, this would be good news. But I find myself unexpectedly very upset about the whole thing. In the past month, I have cried many times trying to get dressed - like when my favorite skirt just… fell off when I tried to put it on.
People who have seen me regularly (family, friends, colleagues) have been great, because they mostly know what I’ve been dealing with. But over the last few weeks in-person work meetings have become more common, and people are starting to make comments. Earlier in the spring it was mostly fine (”you look great!”), which was easy to deal with by saying “thanks” and smiling. But now it’s becoming so noticeable that people are pulling me aside to ask about it. I don’t want to have to tell random work acquaintances about my struggles! They all mean well, but frankly I kind of resent them for asking.
I have a big work event coming up soon. I’ve run this event for years, so most of the regular attendees know me. Now I’m really stressed thinking about how to handle this complication. I just don’t want to have conversations about my health or my weight several times over, which I am pretty sure will happen.
Have you handled this type of thing, and if so, how? I’m looking for strategies to better deal with it, both ahead of time and in the moment. What can I say or do to shut down such comments? How can I be gracious about it all, without becoming too resentful of these well-meaning people? Are there ways to prepare myself so it doesn’t affect me so much? Any thoughts welcome. Thank you.
At the beginning of this year, I ended up with a number of health issues all at once. It’s been a terribly difficult year so far, and I’ve had to completely change my diet and routines. All of this together has caused significant weight loss – almost 50 pounds and still dropping. For most people, this would be good news. But I find myself unexpectedly very upset about the whole thing. In the past month, I have cried many times trying to get dressed - like when my favorite skirt just… fell off when I tried to put it on.
People who have seen me regularly (family, friends, colleagues) have been great, because they mostly know what I’ve been dealing with. But over the last few weeks in-person work meetings have become more common, and people are starting to make comments. Earlier in the spring it was mostly fine (”you look great!”), which was easy to deal with by saying “thanks” and smiling. But now it’s becoming so noticeable that people are pulling me aside to ask about it. I don’t want to have to tell random work acquaintances about my struggles! They all mean well, but frankly I kind of resent them for asking.
I have a big work event coming up soon. I’ve run this event for years, so most of the regular attendees know me. Now I’m really stressed thinking about how to handle this complication. I just don’t want to have conversations about my health or my weight several times over, which I am pretty sure will happen.
Have you handled this type of thing, and if so, how? I’m looking for strategies to better deal with it, both ahead of time and in the moment. What can I say or do to shut down such comments? How can I be gracious about it all, without becoming too resentful of these well-meaning people? Are there ways to prepare myself so it doesn’t affect me so much? Any thoughts welcome. Thank you.
I know what you mean, I have a similar problem as a usually petite woman who most people know as larger, who has returned to petite because of taking medication for chronic migraine. You can’t say too much about being sick to colleagues because you don’t want them to question your performance etc.
You might head them off at the pass with a fire across the bow. A vivacious: hello! It’s so nice to see you, I’ve been through so much this year and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to…. But in the end I was able to be here and see you and I’m glad to be here…
Or.. you wouldn’t believe what I went through to be with you here today, but I am and I’m glad to be here with you…
They won’t know if you lost a family member or had a health problem but the gist is that you went through something, you look different, and if you wanted to give more details you would have already… or you will later.
posted by catspajammies at 9:34 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
You might head them off at the pass with a fire across the bow. A vivacious: hello! It’s so nice to see you, I’ve been through so much this year and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to…. But in the end I was able to be here and see you and I’m glad to be here…
Or.. you wouldn’t believe what I went through to be with you here today, but I am and I’m glad to be here with you…
They won’t know if you lost a family member or had a health problem but the gist is that you went through something, you look different, and if you wanted to give more details you would have already… or you will later.
posted by catspajammies at 9:34 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
“Sorry, that’s really personal” is a good thing to say in a lot of situations. It draws a clear boundary, and points out the faux pas the other person has made without being mean about it.
I do like the idea of blithely declaring you’re sick because I hate the association of thinness with health that is so damn pervasive. But I imagine you could only pull that one off with select company.
To prepare yourself ahead of time, think through what you are and are not willing to share with people. That way you aren’t blindsided by invasive questions.
Depending on how much you weighed before, you might also buy some new clothes that fit you better as you are now. A lot of people don’t really notice fairly big shifts in weight if the other person is looking similarly tailored and put together at both weights. Ill fitting clothes can hide a lot but they can also reveal change to others in ways that we don’t want them to. Wearing smart work clothes that fit well might help you feel more confident and keep people from noticing a drastic change.
posted by Mizu at 9:38 PM on July 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
I do like the idea of blithely declaring you’re sick because I hate the association of thinness with health that is so damn pervasive. But I imagine you could only pull that one off with select company.
To prepare yourself ahead of time, think through what you are and are not willing to share with people. That way you aren’t blindsided by invasive questions.
Depending on how much you weighed before, you might also buy some new clothes that fit you better as you are now. A lot of people don’t really notice fairly big shifts in weight if the other person is looking similarly tailored and put together at both weights. Ill fitting clothes can hide a lot but they can also reveal change to others in ways that we don’t want them to. Wearing smart work clothes that fit well might help you feel more confident and keep people from noticing a drastic change.
posted by Mizu at 9:38 PM on July 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
“Yeah, I’m actually much more healthy than I look, so there’s that”
And then consider it addressed and don’t even respond to the topic again…
I mean boldly ignore a follow up attempt to get more info.
Or lie!!
Q. Have you been sick since I saw you last?
A1. Oh hey, I think I see a good potato salad at the buffet— let’s go check it out!!
A2. Not at all!
posted by calgirl at 9:56 PM on July 15, 2022
And then consider it addressed and don’t even respond to the topic again…
I mean boldly ignore a follow up attempt to get more info.
Or lie!!
Q. Have you been sick since I saw you last?
A1. Oh hey, I think I see a good potato salad at the buffet— let’s go check it out!!
A2. Not at all!
posted by calgirl at 9:56 PM on July 15, 2022
And why not spruce up your wardrobe as Mizu suggested —
It might give you a little confidence boost or something else for folks to talk to you about.
posted by calgirl at 9:59 PM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
It might give you a little confidence boost or something else for folks to talk to you about.
posted by calgirl at 9:59 PM on July 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Unless you want to manage the emotional labor of people reacting when you reply you have been ill, I would avoid saying it. People can get really embarrassed when directly confronted with a faux pas and then you end up dealing the emotional fallout of their awkward apologies.
I vote for a redirect. A bright response of “Oh! I have to tell you: I recently made a resolution that unless it’s something a person could change about themselves in 5 minutes, I’m not going to comment on anyone’s appearance. So for example, I love your [hairstyle/tie/necklace/how your shirt brings out your eyes.]” Then you change the subject.
You’ve gently schooled them and it doesn’t invite follow up questions.
posted by jenquat at 10:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
I vote for a redirect. A bright response of “Oh! I have to tell you: I recently made a resolution that unless it’s something a person could change about themselves in 5 minutes, I’m not going to comment on anyone’s appearance. So for example, I love your [hairstyle/tie/necklace/how your shirt brings out your eyes.]” Then you change the subject.
You’ve gently schooled them and it doesn’t invite follow up questions.
posted by jenquat at 10:23 PM on July 15, 2022 [3 favorites]
Would you be comfortable asking a few of the colleagues you do see frequently to engage in some approved tactical gossip? Something like "Oh, by the way, Anonymous has some health stuff going on, so don't mention the weight loss," where they're giving the listener the impression that they're quietly helping them avoid a faux pas.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:26 PM on July 15, 2022 [27 favorites]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:26 PM on July 15, 2022 [27 favorites]
“Sorry, I’m really not comfortable discussing this.” *pointed look* “Hey, the coffee here is supposed to be really good…”
posted by Jubey at 12:41 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 12:41 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Came here to suggest what Blue Jello Elf said, but perhaps to suggest a manager or team lead.
I have an incredibly emotionally intelligent manager who managed to let a good number of our team members know about a difficulty I had and they all helped take care of me without it being awkward at all.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 1:50 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have an incredibly emotionally intelligent manager who managed to let a good number of our team members know about a difficulty I had and they all helped take care of me without it being awkward at all.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 1:50 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hopefully being prepared with a strategy will help. I suggest an acknowledgement followed by a redirect. Some options:
- "I've had some health issues but I'm doing better now. How are you?"
- "yeah, since we haven't seen each other in a while everyone is commenting on it." Change subject- I'm glad we were able to do this event in person/some other pivot related to work or the pandemic
Do you have a work friend you could discuss this with for support? Either to run interference like Blue Nelson Elf suggests or just for moral support, someone you can roll your eyes to or go stand near if you need a break from others, or recount the ridiculous inappropriate comment you got from Annoying Colleague.
posted by emd3737 at 3:21 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
- "I've had some health issues but I'm doing better now. How are you?"
- "yeah, since we haven't seen each other in a while everyone is commenting on it." Change subject- I'm glad we were able to do this event in person/some other pivot related to work or the pandemic
Do you have a work friend you could discuss this with for support? Either to run interference like Blue Nelson Elf suggests or just for moral support, someone you can roll your eyes to or go stand near if you need a break from others, or recount the ridiculous inappropriate comment you got from Annoying Colleague.
posted by emd3737 at 3:21 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I lost a ton of weight, thanks to health issues.
(I was slightly overweight, now I'm frail and bordering on skeletal. It was an ordeal involving invasive tests and nowadays everyone's just sort of thrown up their hands because I stabilized at skeletal.)
Anyways, I find it helpful to wear fitted clothing. Bottoms from the kid's department tend to work, along with sleek tops. Wear one eye-catching accessory to draw conversation away from your body.
Baggy clothes reinforce the weight loss, particularly if it's a recognizable item from the Before.
As for commentary, if you're in fitted clothes, in my experience a sleek outfit preempts any "oh gosh you look like a skeleton" stuff. That level of thin, plus fitted clothes, just reads as fashionable.
If you do get comments, I find it helpful to say something like, "There have been some health issues, fortunately, I have a great medical team." Then I change the subject.
posted by champers at 4:23 AM on July 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
(I was slightly overweight, now I'm frail and bordering on skeletal. It was an ordeal involving invasive tests and nowadays everyone's just sort of thrown up their hands because I stabilized at skeletal.)
Anyways, I find it helpful to wear fitted clothing. Bottoms from the kid's department tend to work, along with sleek tops. Wear one eye-catching accessory to draw conversation away from your body.
Baggy clothes reinforce the weight loss, particularly if it's a recognizable item from the Before.
As for commentary, if you're in fitted clothes, in my experience a sleek outfit preempts any "oh gosh you look like a skeleton" stuff. That level of thin, plus fitted clothes, just reads as fashionable.
If you do get comments, I find it helpful to say something like, "There have been some health issues, fortunately, I have a great medical team." Then I change the subject.
posted by champers at 4:23 AM on July 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
I have absolutely responded "thanks, I'm chronically ill" to people who don't drop health related questions. (Or a personal fave, those people who get super in to running and then insist to you that anyone can run a marathon!)
If someone doesn't get the hint, go ahead and make them feel bad, that's my motto. Because I know I sure do!
posted by phunniemee at 5:31 AM on July 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
If someone doesn't get the hint, go ahead and make them feel bad, that's my motto. Because I know I sure do!
posted by phunniemee at 5:31 AM on July 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
Partial truth. "Changed my diet. I don’t really want to talk about it."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:45 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:45 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
This happened to my mom when my dad died suddenly and she lost 50 pounds from grief, so that she was hearing all sorts of compliments and "yay for you" when she felt like her whole world had been destroyed. I remember her really liking this column by Chicagoan Mike Royko about people losing weight for terrible reasons and getting that kind of response (I can't find it now - I know that's catnip to some MeFites [and yay for that], so I'll go ahead and say it's not "To Lose Weight You Must Suffer" - also Royko uses lots of "humorous" language about women and fat people that was mostly considered acceptable in the early 80s but would be unthinkable now - so trigger warning there).
I'd be concerned that mentioning illness at all may lead to more questions and even office speculation and gossip (which you might be able to at least avoid hearing directly by having someone else mention it as suggested by Blue Jello Elf - and that would definitely let people know that you want to deal with this privately). My own concerns about gossip led me to let everyone I work with or see socially know that I have cancer (which opens me up to hearing some people's horrible cancer stories as well as suggestions for great doctors who specialize in completely different cancers - but that's another issue). Since you really don't want to talk about it, it might be better to just lead with "I really don't want to talk about it" and then change the subject. If people persist after that, you could go with the Ask A Manager "It's really weird that you keep asking when I said I don't want to talk about it" and even "I told you I don't want to talk about it. Please stop asking me." Let's hope that the people you are encountering are nice enough that they will stop when you just say you don't want to talk about it, but some people can be weirdly persistent while truly believing they are showing care. Kudos to you for recognizing this is well meaning.
posted by FencingGal at 6:17 AM on July 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'd be concerned that mentioning illness at all may lead to more questions and even office speculation and gossip (which you might be able to at least avoid hearing directly by having someone else mention it as suggested by Blue Jello Elf - and that would definitely let people know that you want to deal with this privately). My own concerns about gossip led me to let everyone I work with or see socially know that I have cancer (which opens me up to hearing some people's horrible cancer stories as well as suggestions for great doctors who specialize in completely different cancers - but that's another issue). Since you really don't want to talk about it, it might be better to just lead with "I really don't want to talk about it" and then change the subject. If people persist after that, you could go with the Ask A Manager "It's really weird that you keep asking when I said I don't want to talk about it" and even "I told you I don't want to talk about it. Please stop asking me." Let's hope that the people you are encountering are nice enough that they will stop when you just say you don't want to talk about it, but some people can be weirdly persistent while truly believing they are showing care. Kudos to you for recognizing this is well meaning.
posted by FencingGal at 6:17 AM on July 16, 2022 [4 favorites]
"You've lost weight! Good for you -- what are you doing so that I can try it?"
"Oh, I've been working with my medical team, but it's not something I like to talk about. Except that, yes! My medical team is the greatest! Hey, how is that new hire working out...?"
"We're going out for sushi after work. Want to come, or are you still watching your weight?"
"I'm not on a diet. I have some medical issues and my doctor is pretty strict about it, which is a good thing. They have really been there for me in making some major changes. It was hard at first, but it's getting much better now. But I am fine with some club soda and the company, so count me in."
"This is the packet for the all-day training session, including the meal plans."
"Thanks, but FYI, I have a strict medical diet that I have to use. I'll just show this to my doctor and see if there are any red flags. I may need to bring my meals and snacks, though. I'll let you know if I need accommodations like access to a fridge or hot water for tea."
Bottom line: I have an ongoing problem. It is under control. I am doing great, just great! (Don't gossip or use this as an excuse to discount me at work). Now let's change the subject.
"Medical team" and "doctor" (not nutritionist or dietitian) are also code that this will be an H.R. issue if this questioning persists.
People deal with dietary restrictions all the time. This isn't a fad. This is a medically supervised intervention.
Frame it like that.
posted by TrishaU at 7:47 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Oh, I've been working with my medical team, but it's not something I like to talk about. Except that, yes! My medical team is the greatest! Hey, how is that new hire working out...?"
"We're going out for sushi after work. Want to come, or are you still watching your weight?"
"I'm not on a diet. I have some medical issues and my doctor is pretty strict about it, which is a good thing. They have really been there for me in making some major changes. It was hard at first, but it's getting much better now. But I am fine with some club soda and the company, so count me in."
"This is the packet for the all-day training session, including the meal plans."
"Thanks, but FYI, I have a strict medical diet that I have to use. I'll just show this to my doctor and see if there are any red flags. I may need to bring my meals and snacks, though. I'll let you know if I need accommodations like access to a fridge or hot water for tea."
Bottom line: I have an ongoing problem. It is under control. I am doing great, just great! (Don't gossip or use this as an excuse to discount me at work). Now let's change the subject.
"Medical team" and "doctor" (not nutritionist or dietitian) are also code that this will be an H.R. issue if this questioning persists.
People deal with dietary restrictions all the time. This isn't a fad. This is a medically supervised intervention.
Frame it like that.
posted by TrishaU at 7:47 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Cheerfully say, "Yep, I lost some weight, but I don't really want to talk about it, thanks! What's new with you?" Don't give them any tidbits of info to speculate about!
Don't bring up medical or dietary issues, don't try to embarrass anyone for asking, and don't ask a manager to intervene on your behalf. And for heaven's sake, don't say, "I'm sick." All of those things just bring up more questions in people's minds and lead to more speculation. The goal is to have them forget about it and move on like it's no big deal.
posted by MelissaSimon at 8:23 AM on July 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
Don't bring up medical or dietary issues, don't try to embarrass anyone for asking, and don't ask a manager to intervene on your behalf. And for heaven's sake, don't say, "I'm sick." All of those things just bring up more questions in people's minds and lead to more speculation. The goal is to have them forget about it and move on like it's no big deal.
posted by MelissaSimon at 8:23 AM on July 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
You've gotten good advice, I just wanted to hug you and commiserate on the terribleness of even well-meaning people -- the ones who mean no harm but are so brainwashed by anti-fat culture that they think comments on weight loss are appropriate and kind.
I vote for quick shutdown and redirect. "Oh, some medical issues, I'm getting better now. How are you! Oh, look at your cute earrings, where did you get them?" -- like really redirect it hard.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:32 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I vote for quick shutdown and redirect. "Oh, some medical issues, I'm getting better now. How are you! Oh, look at your cute earrings, where did you get them?" -- like really redirect it hard.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:32 AM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think there is a lot to choose from above if you want to respond, but my vote is start by ignoring it. Try responding with “wow, so great to see you, how’s everything been?” Or anything like that. Just move along the conversation to something else. If they persist and ask again, you can give them something vague about health issues, but you could also go with “oh gosh, it’s been a year”.
posted by chocotaco at 10:08 AM on July 16, 2022
posted by chocotaco at 10:08 AM on July 16, 2022
If you say you're sick, many people will act follow-up questions, which defeats the purpose.
The person who suggested basically "That's a personal thing that I'd rather not talk about," has it. The key is to follow that up with a friendly question or comment or conversation-starter of your own, so you don't get bogged down by their well-meaning apologies. Practicing segueing into something else allows the vibe to remain friendly and gives you speed to get over the speedbump with as little fuss as possible.
Good luck. In my experience people at work will say silly things and after a while I mostly gave up on fending them off. I've had guys comment on how they liked how my butt swayed (painful handicap related), or that I must not be a natural #haircolor because the hair on the back of my neck is white, and that I couldn't possibly be #sexuality after seeing a button I decorated my cube with because of the way I looked. And women, in general are pretty bad about commenting on weight, even if they don't do the other stuff. Both genders felt ok commenting on when I looked tired, which at the time in the south meant "I noticed you're not wearing the makeup that's so subtle we don't actually know when you're wearing it, you just look unusual without it so we're coding that as tired."
It's like whack-a-mole. For me personally it was easier to just let it go than getting a reputation as touchy (you aren't touchy; it's not nice to comment on someone's weight). In the places where I worked the culture was so overwhelmingly...whatever that is, that it would have hurt me professionally to push back.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've too have cried plenty over illness, and I find it pretty upsetting when someone comments on it lightly in a way that indicates they have no idea what's at stake. On the other hand to not hate everyone who does it I have to work really hard at repeating to myself that people will make mistakes, and they just don't get it. Sometimes nothing at all that you say can make them get it; they literally lack capacity.
I guarantee you'll have the best, most frictionless results with something along the lines of "That's personal" or "That's not something I like to talk about at work" and changing the subject.
posted by liminal_shadows at 10:27 AM on July 16, 2022
The person who suggested basically "That's a personal thing that I'd rather not talk about," has it. The key is to follow that up with a friendly question or comment or conversation-starter of your own, so you don't get bogged down by their well-meaning apologies. Practicing segueing into something else allows the vibe to remain friendly and gives you speed to get over the speedbump with as little fuss as possible.
Good luck. In my experience people at work will say silly things and after a while I mostly gave up on fending them off. I've had guys comment on how they liked how my butt swayed (painful handicap related), or that I must not be a natural #haircolor because the hair on the back of my neck is white, and that I couldn't possibly be #sexuality after seeing a button I decorated my cube with because of the way I looked. And women, in general are pretty bad about commenting on weight, even if they don't do the other stuff. Both genders felt ok commenting on when I looked tired, which at the time in the south meant "I noticed you're not wearing the makeup that's so subtle we don't actually know when you're wearing it, you just look unusual without it so we're coding that as tired."
It's like whack-a-mole. For me personally it was easier to just let it go than getting a reputation as touchy (you aren't touchy; it's not nice to comment on someone's weight). In the places where I worked the culture was so overwhelmingly...whatever that is, that it would have hurt me professionally to push back.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've too have cried plenty over illness, and I find it pretty upsetting when someone comments on it lightly in a way that indicates they have no idea what's at stake. On the other hand to not hate everyone who does it I have to work really hard at repeating to myself that people will make mistakes, and they just don't get it. Sometimes nothing at all that you say can make them get it; they literally lack capacity.
I guarantee you'll have the best, most frictionless results with something along the lines of "That's personal" or "That's not something I like to talk about at work" and changing the subject.
posted by liminal_shadows at 10:27 AM on July 16, 2022
Voting for completely ignoring the comment and redirecting.
And I say this as a person who thrives on the rude response.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 10:43 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
And I say this as a person who thrives on the rude response.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 10:43 AM on July 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've gone with "Oh, yeah, a medical thing," with a wave of my hand and a change of subject. Light, almost breezy tone, but still with a hint of steel. No one ever asks further.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:40 PM on July 16, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 2:40 PM on July 16, 2022 [7 favorites]
Not me, however my husband lost a lot of weight during chemotherapy. And for whatever reason I was the one who would get get questions about it.
If I wasn't willing to share the medical details I found a very dry response of "I wouldn't recommend it" shut people up.
posted by arha at 11:58 PM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
If I wasn't willing to share the medical details I found a very dry response of "I wouldn't recommend it" shut people up.
posted by arha at 11:58 PM on July 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
"I don't want to talk about my body at a work event" might be a way of making clear you're not being "humble" (gag) and point out, fairly gently, that they're being inappropriate.
posted by lapis at 9:55 AM on July 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by lapis at 9:55 AM on July 17, 2022 [1 favorite]
Seconding ignoring the question and redirecting: "I know, everyone looks so different than before, right? I'm so glad we're doing things in person again."
posted by headnsouth at 4:09 PM on July 19, 2022
posted by headnsouth at 4:09 PM on July 19, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Grandysaur at 9:26 PM on July 15, 2022 [22 favorites]