What can we do to get our relationship ready for buying a house?
April 29, 2022 8:39 PM Subscribe
My partner of 8 years and I think we are ready to buy a house. What might we do now to ensure our relationship is ready and get ourselves emotionally ready to take this big step together?
We know it’s a bad market and we’ve been “waiting it out” for years (even pre-pandemic) but it’s looking like we’re not going to see the same opportunity that our friends who bought in 2008-10 got. We’re in our mid-late 40s now and have been saving and waiting seemingly forever to have our own space. We’re too old to be living like we did in our 20s. We’ve lived together for four years, aren’t married (they’re divorced), no kids, are both self-employed with savings and down payments ready. My partner is adamantly against any kind of therapy or counselor based on their own bad past experiences.
We know it’s a bad market and we’ve been “waiting it out” for years (even pre-pandemic) but it’s looking like we’re not going to see the same opportunity that our friends who bought in 2008-10 got. We’re in our mid-late 40s now and have been saving and waiting seemingly forever to have our own space. We’re too old to be living like we did in our 20s. We’ve lived together for four years, aren’t married (they’re divorced), no kids, are both self-employed with savings and down payments ready. My partner is adamantly against any kind of therapy or counselor based on their own bad past experiences.
Buying a house currently with my husband of almost ten years, and trying to understand your question. Has your relationship weathered any kind of outside stress? (I'd imagine so with the pandemic and all.) Having a house is another stressor (possibly eustress vs distress but still stress). So, how you each respond to stress is a clue for what this adventure might be like. It's fun and exciting but also stressful (much more so if you buy something that needs renovations).
Is the concern about making a big financial commitment together? If so then the solution depends on each person's philosophy about that. Should you discuss how you'd divide the property if you go your separate ways? See a financial planner? Some people cope with the unknown by having a thought experiment and plan for how they would deal with it.
Aside from making a big shared financial commitment I'm not sure I understand how it's different from cohabitation in general.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:37 PM on April 29, 2022 [6 favorites]
Is the concern about making a big financial commitment together? If so then the solution depends on each person's philosophy about that. Should you discuss how you'd divide the property if you go your separate ways? See a financial planner? Some people cope with the unknown by having a thought experiment and plan for how they would deal with it.
Aside from making a big shared financial commitment I'm not sure I understand how it's different from cohabitation in general.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:37 PM on April 29, 2022 [6 favorites]
If you don’t already have a really solid comfort level around shared financial commitments, and also good communication about changing your financial arrangements when circumstances change, I’d be worried about that. I don’t know how to tell you to fix that other than have some conversations about hypotheticals, though. How do you currently plan to handle the inevitable unexpected expenses of a house? How will you handle it if one of you loses your job? Does one of you have strong feelings mortgage term? Does one of you want to try to prepay additional principal?
Beyond that I’m not sure what kind of relationship readiness you might need either. If you’re long term committed to each other and handle stressors together well, you’re in a good position. If not, those are things to work on but with therapy off the table I’m not sure how you get there.
posted by Stacey at 5:33 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Beyond that I’m not sure what kind of relationship readiness you might need either. If you’re long term committed to each other and handle stressors together well, you’re in a good position. If not, those are things to work on but with therapy off the table I’m not sure how you get there.
posted by Stacey at 5:33 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Are there legal arrangements you might consider for what happens with the house in the event of a breakup? I won’t say marriage automatically makes that smooth sailing, but at least it erects some kind of framework around it. Planning for the what-if of a move out is something I’d be thinking about in your shoes (hoping of course that it stays forever irrelevant!)
posted by eirias at 6:18 AM on April 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by eirias at 6:18 AM on April 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I am in process of buying a house with my husband. Besides getting in contact with a lender to find out how much you qualify for (really really is the first step to confirm what your likely max budget is), these were the topics we talked through:
1) why do we want to buy a house?
2) what does a house represent to us / about us?
3) are we ready for the maintenance a house entails? (watching a house inspection youtube was helpful in starting this convo)
4) where do we want to buy a house? and why?
5) what characteristics do we want/need in a house? where are we similar vs. different?
I think anything you can do to help create open lines of communication is helpful. House buying is stressful. It takes a long time, you don't get a lot of time to look at any single house but potentially need to make a big financial decision on it. Also, you *WILL* change your house buying criteria, and that's half the purpose of why you're looking at so many houses. So, you need to be comfortable in talking through with your partner when your feelings / preferences have changed.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:35 AM on April 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
1) why do we want to buy a house?
2) what does a house represent to us / about us?
3) are we ready for the maintenance a house entails? (watching a house inspection youtube was helpful in starting this convo)
4) where do we want to buy a house? and why?
5) what characteristics do we want/need in a house? where are we similar vs. different?
I think anything you can do to help create open lines of communication is helpful. House buying is stressful. It takes a long time, you don't get a lot of time to look at any single house but potentially need to make a big financial decision on it. Also, you *WILL* change your house buying criteria, and that's half the purpose of why you're looking at so many houses. So, you need to be comfortable in talking through with your partner when your feelings / preferences have changed.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:35 AM on April 30, 2022 [4 favorites]
Get the money stuff down on paper if you’re contributing different amounts; for instance, “since A contributed $20k more to the down payment than B, in the event of a split, B owes A half of that amount, ie, an extra $10k + interest). The lawyer who does your contract can probably help with that.
Make sure the location works for both people’s predicted commutes for the next 5 years or so. Long commutes build resentment.
Consider getting a house where you can rent out a unit to a tenant or AirBnb- lessens the financial pressures considerably, esp for self-employed people.
Get life insurance. Make wills.
Before you move in, do any fixes to the floors, ceilings, and (less importantly) repaint if you want. It’s such a pain to do those tasks once you live there. But besides those, try not to make any pricey changes for a year- you’ll find many of them don’t actually matter that much once you’re in.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:44 AM on April 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Make sure the location works for both people’s predicted commutes for the next 5 years or so. Long commutes build resentment.
Consider getting a house where you can rent out a unit to a tenant or AirBnb- lessens the financial pressures considerably, esp for self-employed people.
Get life insurance. Make wills.
Before you move in, do any fixes to the floors, ceilings, and (less importantly) repaint if you want. It’s such a pain to do those tasks once you live there. But besides those, try not to make any pricey changes for a year- you’ll find many of them don’t actually matter that much once you’re in.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:44 AM on April 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, if you haven't already, you should come to an agreement about what will happen with the house if you end up separating and make it official. Here's a couple of example contracts that might help you think about what types of things need to be decided: Contract for Equal Ownership of a House by an Unmarried Couple, Contract for Unequal Ownership of a House by an Unmarried Couple.
posted by amarynth at 7:09 AM on April 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by amarynth at 7:09 AM on April 30, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: The biggest thing I wish I had known when my ex (who wasn’t my ex at the time) and I bought a house was what the labor division would look like. The house we bought needed a lot of cosmetic work and most of that fell onto me, mainly because I was “better at it and had higher standards”. As renters, major projects were not something we had ever done together. I didn’t fully understand how much of his envisioned work was beyond his skills and capabilities until more and more things kept falling on my shoulders to the point of it becoming unbearable. It is honestly one of the main factors in breaking our relationship. I would never have taken on a house that wasn’t move-in ready if I had known his actual contribution would be claiming he could do things but actually just being the one who watched me work. I fully decided to leave him as I was terrifyingly balanced on the top of a ladder painting the exterior of our 2 story house.
I am currently living with my best friend in a house we own. We’ve put a lot of work into this house and it’s like night and day with my last house. There is genuine collaboration with everything- including chores, decorating, maintenance, and improvements. None of it feels like a compromise on either of our parts. We communicate effectively about what we want, trust the other person’s vision, and split costs and labor proportionally. We did a full bathroom remodel last summer and I ended up paying for most of it but he put much more of his time in. We finished the project with the bathroom of our dreams and both of us very happy with what the other person put into it. We are planning on doing the kitchen next year and I have zero worries about the toll that will take on our relationship.
I would recommend looking at your division of labor and think about what that means with more space to manage, larger projects, and/or more money on the line. I didn’t realize how much those things would exacerbate any of the problems in a relationship. If you are looking at houses that require any work, know what your expectations are for each other before you take any of it on. Make sure you know what you are capable of doing and what situations require calling in a professional, you agree on those things, and it’s based in reality.
posted by August Fury at 8:19 AM on April 30, 2022 [15 favorites]
I am currently living with my best friend in a house we own. We’ve put a lot of work into this house and it’s like night and day with my last house. There is genuine collaboration with everything- including chores, decorating, maintenance, and improvements. None of it feels like a compromise on either of our parts. We communicate effectively about what we want, trust the other person’s vision, and split costs and labor proportionally. We did a full bathroom remodel last summer and I ended up paying for most of it but he put much more of his time in. We finished the project with the bathroom of our dreams and both of us very happy with what the other person put into it. We are planning on doing the kitchen next year and I have zero worries about the toll that will take on our relationship.
I would recommend looking at your division of labor and think about what that means with more space to manage, larger projects, and/or more money on the line. I didn’t realize how much those things would exacerbate any of the problems in a relationship. If you are looking at houses that require any work, know what your expectations are for each other before you take any of it on. Make sure you know what you are capable of doing and what situations require calling in a professional, you agree on those things, and it’s based in reality.
posted by August Fury at 8:19 AM on April 30, 2022 [15 favorites]
Do you want to buy a house in good condition that is ready to move in as is, perhaps you may want to paint a feature wall if you’re feeling eccentric?
Or are you considering (perhaps having to?) a house that needs a lot of work. In that case, how good are you at doing projects together? How good are you at living in a building site for potentially a long time? How likely is it that the work will never get done because you run out of money or energy? Would it make you miserable to live there in that case?
Homeownership means that any and all maintenance and repairs are on you to do or pay somebody to do. How is your division of labour now and how will this have to change after the list of jobs that need doing increases substantially?
Will you have outside spaces to look after when you don’t now? What will that look like?
If you live somewhere with winter weather, will you need to clear snow now when before the landlord had to?
What I’m getting at is that homeownership creates a lot more things that you need to agree on and do. If you’re generally good at that, you’ll keep being good at it. If you’re not, homeownership will amplify the problems.
Also, don’t agree to buy a house you secretly hate. You’ll never like it, you may become very resentful about it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Or are you considering (perhaps having to?) a house that needs a lot of work. In that case, how good are you at doing projects together? How good are you at living in a building site for potentially a long time? How likely is it that the work will never get done because you run out of money or energy? Would it make you miserable to live there in that case?
Homeownership means that any and all maintenance and repairs are on you to do or pay somebody to do. How is your division of labour now and how will this have to change after the list of jobs that need doing increases substantially?
Will you have outside spaces to look after when you don’t now? What will that look like?
If you live somewhere with winter weather, will you need to clear snow now when before the landlord had to?
What I’m getting at is that homeownership creates a lot more things that you need to agree on and do. If you’re generally good at that, you’ll keep being good at it. If you’re not, homeownership will amplify the problems.
Also, don’t agree to buy a house you secretly hate. You’ll never like it, you may become very resentful about it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
Homeowners face decisions all the time, especially in the beginning. Sometimes even seemingly minor choices can be hard for a couple to settle on. Think about your experiences with shared decision-making, and how your communication was regarding those matters.
posted by wryly at 9:45 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by wryly at 9:45 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: More things worth being on the same page about: when do you each want to retire? What kind of cost of living do you imagine having during retirement? What would happen if one of you became unable to work, either short term or permanently? Do your current financial plans support your long term goals in these respects?
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:05 AM on April 30, 2022
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:05 AM on April 30, 2022
Response by poster: Is your partner against buying a house?
Not at all, they are fully in and we have been discussing buying a house together for literally 6 years or more. We went to our first open house back then and look at listings together every week for years, which I believe has given us a solid idea of what we both like and hate. I made us both fill out a “must have/must not have/ favorite neighborhood list” ourselves and then came to an agreed upon amalgamation of our common wants and dealbreakers in a house ( they were mostly the same). I feel like we’re agreed upon what we want. The only difference is I’m open to a bigger fixer upper and he would rather just have to do cosmetic updates (e.g., take a home that looks 1960s inside and re-decorate/change fixtures) and possible re-do kitchens and bathrooms over the next few years. I’m okay with that too.
Division of labor is in my favor — we have opposite gender roles in which they make 1/2 to 2/3 of what I make each year but they do most of the cooking and cleaning. We’ve discussed that they are okay continuing that division of labor (they need a clean space more than me) if I take over outside/yard jobs. I ask all the time to tell me if I’m not doing enough so there’s no resentment. We work in the same field and on stressful jobs together sometimes and compliment each other well. I think we can get through day-to-day arguments/frustrations. Decorating will be a big issue because we have different color palettes but have flagged this as an issue.
I was saving a lot of the financial and legal questions for another question. We both agree that there will need to be legal agreements in place regarding ownership. We have the same feelings around money, debt and spending. It may need to be another question, but we need to agree upon how to split the cost. We currently contribute equal amounts to a shared savings account monthly for common bills (rent, utilities, groceries, dinner out). They would prefer for everything to be 50-50, but I have suggested I contribute more (either down payment or monthly) so we can buy a nicer home/better neighborhood. They would prefer to be even based on income inequities in past relationships but could be persuaded and are open to me contributing more to spaces in the house that are “mine” (e.g. building out a studio for my business). I think the cost breakdown is more of an emotion problem than a money one in a lot of ways.
posted by Bunglegirl at 10:19 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Not at all, they are fully in and we have been discussing buying a house together for literally 6 years or more. We went to our first open house back then and look at listings together every week for years, which I believe has given us a solid idea of what we both like and hate. I made us both fill out a “must have/must not have/ favorite neighborhood list” ourselves and then came to an agreed upon amalgamation of our common wants and dealbreakers in a house ( they were mostly the same). I feel like we’re agreed upon what we want. The only difference is I’m open to a bigger fixer upper and he would rather just have to do cosmetic updates (e.g., take a home that looks 1960s inside and re-decorate/change fixtures) and possible re-do kitchens and bathrooms over the next few years. I’m okay with that too.
Division of labor is in my favor — we have opposite gender roles in which they make 1/2 to 2/3 of what I make each year but they do most of the cooking and cleaning. We’ve discussed that they are okay continuing that division of labor (they need a clean space more than me) if I take over outside/yard jobs. I ask all the time to tell me if I’m not doing enough so there’s no resentment. We work in the same field and on stressful jobs together sometimes and compliment each other well. I think we can get through day-to-day arguments/frustrations. Decorating will be a big issue because we have different color palettes but have flagged this as an issue.
I was saving a lot of the financial and legal questions for another question. We both agree that there will need to be legal agreements in place regarding ownership. We have the same feelings around money, debt and spending. It may need to be another question, but we need to agree upon how to split the cost. We currently contribute equal amounts to a shared savings account monthly for common bills (rent, utilities, groceries, dinner out). They would prefer for everything to be 50-50, but I have suggested I contribute more (either down payment or monthly) so we can buy a nicer home/better neighborhood. They would prefer to be even based on income inequities in past relationships but could be persuaded and are open to me contributing more to spaces in the house that are “mine” (e.g. building out a studio for my business). I think the cost breakdown is more of an emotion problem than a money one in a lot of ways.
posted by Bunglegirl at 10:19 AM on April 30, 2022 [1 favorite]
Other than the hairiness around what will happen if you separate as an unmarried couple, I don’t see any huge stressors here, especially because it sounds like you communicate well.
I do know two couples who divorced due to renovations so I tend to advice against taking on big projects, but obviously, there are plenty of happy couples that are serial home flippers.
My only advice is to let little things go. If one of you has a strong feeling about a piece of furniture or paint color and the other is mildly opposed, the one with the strong feeling wins. It’s all just stuff at the end of the day, and not worth losing happiness over.
We had various external stressors right after buying our house, and that actually helped us keep our perspective on cosmetic/unimportant issues.
posted by redlines at 11:55 AM on April 30, 2022
I do know two couples who divorced due to renovations so I tend to advice against taking on big projects, but obviously, there are plenty of happy couples that are serial home flippers.
My only advice is to let little things go. If one of you has a strong feeling about a piece of furniture or paint color and the other is mildly opposed, the one with the strong feeling wins. It’s all just stuff at the end of the day, and not worth losing happiness over.
We had various external stressors right after buying our house, and that actually helped us keep our perspective on cosmetic/unimportant issues.
posted by redlines at 11:55 AM on April 30, 2022
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My beau and I were in a somewhat similar situation back in 2012-13. Early-mid 40's, no kids, living in her railroad apartment in Woodside Queens. We started looking for a house because we wanted out of city life.
We worked with a buyer's agent, a friend of a friend so we got lucky. The first thing he told us to do was go to your bank, or a bank, and see what you can get pre-approved for. This will define a certain reality of what you can spend.
Then, he started looking for us, and he found something that worked for us, not too big not too small, and not a fixer upper or as is, BUT if you and/or your partner have the knowledge and skills to do your own renovations/repairs, maybe look at those. As far as foreclosures, bank owned, or for sale by owner, he would not show us those. He said it was because those got far more complicated than traditional listings.
I could go on about the whole offer, counter offer, twists and turns, and what happens at the closing, mefimail me if you want details on moving in and defining space, hiring movers, telling your landlord,etc.
As to the first part of your question, in our case we knew we were ready. We got ourselves emotionaly ready by talking a lot, trusting our buyer's agent and the lawyer he referred us to, and remaining calm when some aspect did not go as planned, our a house we were considering got snapped up.
Happy hunting!
posted by vrakatar at 9:16 PM on April 29, 2022