CSA recovery while partnered and limiting the fallout in the present
January 29, 2022 2:28 PM Subscribe
Trigger warning for discussion of childhood sexual abuse and dissociation issues. If you have dealt with CSA recovery while partnered and are feeling well-resourced, I could use some advice.
I feel like a cliche but here we are. I am in therapy for CPTSD with dissociation (the therapist refers to me as a system but I do not believe I have DID). I believe we are unlocking some memories of incest. I would like to contain the attachment trauma getting stirred up somehow so it doesn't spill into other areas of my life.
I cannot deny the fact that parts-specific therapy has resolved a lot of issues that have plagued me for years. I've experienced better results from a few months of this than from EMDR. Nobody recognized this other piece before, and nobody before this provider helped everyone inside feel safe, respected, etc. So it's great! But. Right as I was getting to a place of greater internal cooperation and stability, I started noticing some... other issues.
I have started to experience severe body memories, random pains. I had a flash of a graphic image of a sexual act involving a phallus and was basically bed-ridden for about 3 days because I had so much unexplainable physical pain. At first I thought this was associated with a cousin that I saw occasionally growing up. But that does not really make sense - I don't believe a one-off situation would result in the kind of failure to integrate that my mind has been revealing to me. The only other person that was involved in my life regularly and had a penis was my father. Maybe it's from him, maybe not, maybe I actually have no CSA history but these visceral experiences are coming from somewhere and I'm trying to deal with them. So that's the working theory. I have no way to corroborate it one way or another, but if it was my dad, it would help explain all the sexual issues I've had in my relationship. (My husband has the same style of facial hair that my dad wore, and some similarities in personality based on what I have been told my dad was like. I don't remember him at all.)
Basically, I am wanting help figuring out how to keep past past, present present, and how to have realistic expectations of other people as I go through all of this. My husband has been incredibly supportive - taking over every last bit of household/parenting needs on multiple occasions while I was overwhelmed with pain or trying to "listen to" dissociated emotions that kept bubbling up, etc. He has said he's there for me if I want to talk but doesn't press me to talk. And in the past whenever I have had triggering around sex he's always been understanding, insists on stopping at the first sign I am not enjoying myself or the first sign that I seem like a different person or have zoned out or whatever.
But he is not superhuman and he is not a therapist, and I need my emotional brain to understand that. Therapy stirs up all sorts of things right now and I felt like I was taking responsibility well, containing it, using my healthy coping skills, etc. But I am way way too sensitive to any sign of relational threat right now.
Example: He was grouchy in response to a question Wednesday morning, and it kind of wrecked my ability to feel open and normal around him. He even apologized a few hours later and it was an actual good apology. He came home trying to turn things around by being kind, doing the stuff he knows I like him to do. It probably would have worked, but because he also brought up a conflictual situation, I was shut down, distant, crying most of the night. It's all more or less spiraled down from there, as I keep feeling psychologically unsafe. I have attempted to reset to our normal dynamic and it does work temporarily, but then the next thing happens and I react too much to it, rinse and repeat. (Some of my reactions I just keep to myself but it changes how I interact with him, he senses it, etc.) My husband and I both have ADHD, so reactivity can be a challenge for both of us even outside of this trauma stuff. It is probably easier for me to change this pattern than it is for him to change it, so I want to try. Even if that weren't true, these are my issues and I need to take responsibility for them.
(In case anyone wants to suggest that I could be reacting to actual valid concerns, the triggers have been (1) him sounding grouchy when I told him I was worried about how long he had seemed more depressed. (2)Him bringing that issue up and then immediately changing the subject. (3) Me telling him calmly that an upcoming change in both of our schedules had me feeling a little triggered, and like I was experiencing a loss of some kind, and him responding with his best efforts to understand and reassure me.)
I want to be more realistic than this! I can't have my trauma processing make me this sensitive - he is literally the only person in my life that I can trust to help me through this in any way besides my therapist. I can't go to my family. I have friends, but not the kind of friends you discuss something like this with. I need the relationship to be functional on my end, because being this sensitive is causing problems. I feel alone enough dealing with this, without alienating the person that's trying to be there for me.
My basic question is, how do you turn down your sensitivity to relational threat when you are eating the elephant of recovered sexual abuse memories, in a broader context of already known attachment trauma? I can CBT myself all day long. My body and emotions do not care about the rational thinking, identifying distortions etc. That stuff has really never helped pull me out of things like this. I can go away and use other types of coping skills to regulate my emotions but as soon as I am around my husband again all the alarms go off. I need to be able to accept his normal human level of kindness and stability, not react so much over normal human fluctuations. People get grouchy sometimes. People make attempts at empathy and sometimes the attempt is trash because they don't have great perspective-taking skills but hey, they sure did try.
So what do I do? I know it's not realistic to expect these types of issues to not enter my relationship at all, but I would rather it not happen like this. (I will be discussing this with my therapist also, but therapist recommendations and boots on the ground lived experience recommendations both have value.)
I feel like a cliche but here we are. I am in therapy for CPTSD with dissociation (the therapist refers to me as a system but I do not believe I have DID). I believe we are unlocking some memories of incest. I would like to contain the attachment trauma getting stirred up somehow so it doesn't spill into other areas of my life.
I cannot deny the fact that parts-specific therapy has resolved a lot of issues that have plagued me for years. I've experienced better results from a few months of this than from EMDR. Nobody recognized this other piece before, and nobody before this provider helped everyone inside feel safe, respected, etc. So it's great! But. Right as I was getting to a place of greater internal cooperation and stability, I started noticing some... other issues.
I have started to experience severe body memories, random pains. I had a flash of a graphic image of a sexual act involving a phallus and was basically bed-ridden for about 3 days because I had so much unexplainable physical pain. At first I thought this was associated with a cousin that I saw occasionally growing up. But that does not really make sense - I don't believe a one-off situation would result in the kind of failure to integrate that my mind has been revealing to me. The only other person that was involved in my life regularly and had a penis was my father. Maybe it's from him, maybe not, maybe I actually have no CSA history but these visceral experiences are coming from somewhere and I'm trying to deal with them. So that's the working theory. I have no way to corroborate it one way or another, but if it was my dad, it would help explain all the sexual issues I've had in my relationship. (My husband has the same style of facial hair that my dad wore, and some similarities in personality based on what I have been told my dad was like. I don't remember him at all.)
Basically, I am wanting help figuring out how to keep past past, present present, and how to have realistic expectations of other people as I go through all of this. My husband has been incredibly supportive - taking over every last bit of household/parenting needs on multiple occasions while I was overwhelmed with pain or trying to "listen to" dissociated emotions that kept bubbling up, etc. He has said he's there for me if I want to talk but doesn't press me to talk. And in the past whenever I have had triggering around sex he's always been understanding, insists on stopping at the first sign I am not enjoying myself or the first sign that I seem like a different person or have zoned out or whatever.
But he is not superhuman and he is not a therapist, and I need my emotional brain to understand that. Therapy stirs up all sorts of things right now and I felt like I was taking responsibility well, containing it, using my healthy coping skills, etc. But I am way way too sensitive to any sign of relational threat right now.
Example: He was grouchy in response to a question Wednesday morning, and it kind of wrecked my ability to feel open and normal around him. He even apologized a few hours later and it was an actual good apology. He came home trying to turn things around by being kind, doing the stuff he knows I like him to do. It probably would have worked, but because he also brought up a conflictual situation, I was shut down, distant, crying most of the night. It's all more or less spiraled down from there, as I keep feeling psychologically unsafe. I have attempted to reset to our normal dynamic and it does work temporarily, but then the next thing happens and I react too much to it, rinse and repeat. (Some of my reactions I just keep to myself but it changes how I interact with him, he senses it, etc.) My husband and I both have ADHD, so reactivity can be a challenge for both of us even outside of this trauma stuff. It is probably easier for me to change this pattern than it is for him to change it, so I want to try. Even if that weren't true, these are my issues and I need to take responsibility for them.
(In case anyone wants to suggest that I could be reacting to actual valid concerns, the triggers have been (1) him sounding grouchy when I told him I was worried about how long he had seemed more depressed. (2)Him bringing that issue up and then immediately changing the subject. (3) Me telling him calmly that an upcoming change in both of our schedules had me feeling a little triggered, and like I was experiencing a loss of some kind, and him responding with his best efforts to understand and reassure me.)
I want to be more realistic than this! I can't have my trauma processing make me this sensitive - he is literally the only person in my life that I can trust to help me through this in any way besides my therapist. I can't go to my family. I have friends, but not the kind of friends you discuss something like this with. I need the relationship to be functional on my end, because being this sensitive is causing problems. I feel alone enough dealing with this, without alienating the person that's trying to be there for me.
My basic question is, how do you turn down your sensitivity to relational threat when you are eating the elephant of recovered sexual abuse memories, in a broader context of already known attachment trauma? I can CBT myself all day long. My body and emotions do not care about the rational thinking, identifying distortions etc. That stuff has really never helped pull me out of things like this. I can go away and use other types of coping skills to regulate my emotions but as soon as I am around my husband again all the alarms go off. I need to be able to accept his normal human level of kindness and stability, not react so much over normal human fluctuations. People get grouchy sometimes. People make attempts at empathy and sometimes the attempt is trash because they don't have great perspective-taking skills but hey, they sure did try.
So what do I do? I know it's not realistic to expect these types of issues to not enter my relationship at all, but I would rather it not happen like this. (I will be discussing this with my therapist also, but therapist recommendations and boots on the ground lived experience recommendations both have value.)
Practice. It's literally practice. Similar to the way EMDR puts memories back where they should be, exposure helps your body recognise a space or a person as them, and safe, and not the memory and experience. But it's hard.
I do highly recommend the active engagement process lloquat describes - it can be difficult and takes time, but I found with my new partner it's a lot easier now because in the beginning that's very similar to how we started being physically intimate. I did all the moves, so to speak.
Emotionally it is more difficult, but I find it the same process - setting new tracks for my thought processes and emotional reactions. It takes time - the grooves the trauma wore are deep and difficult. But even my most entrenched and obnoxiously difficult triggers are easier to manage because where I cannot process the trigger (how do you do exposure therapy for sleep disruption) I have been able to build something like a Goldenberg machine around it so when the trigger happens there's the physical comfort and safety obstacle course to get through, and then the almost automatic response now of "yes that was a trigger and you might remember a thing and feel it but it is a memory and can go into the memory place". So by the time the triggered body memory hits, it's got a soft landing and I'm prepared. But that took years and it still ongoing.
In the short term I would probably ask your husband to change the facial hair, and set up a kind of routine or environment that prioritises safety even if it doesn't make exact sense. I have set up my bedroom in a way that isn't 'right' but I have full view of the door and also open space and my doors are always closed. Similar to my living space. Choose somewhere that feels safe and expand it, and make it your own. Retreat there when necessary. Do good and kind things for yourself there. Give yourself as much positive space as you can to bolster the reserves for when shit goes inevitably wrong.
And as a fellow Dissociative but not Like That person, I also try and acknowledge the strengths of those parts of me. Baby Geek Anachronism did really well when she set up her boundaries that time and enforced them. Teen Geek Anachronism did everything she could. We survived and those parts of me offer something to adult me. I'm not as definitely separated or fractured as DID suggests, so it's not difficult in terms of those still being me, and they are parts that were harmed but also did well.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:21 PM on January 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
I do highly recommend the active engagement process lloquat describes - it can be difficult and takes time, but I found with my new partner it's a lot easier now because in the beginning that's very similar to how we started being physically intimate. I did all the moves, so to speak.
Emotionally it is more difficult, but I find it the same process - setting new tracks for my thought processes and emotional reactions. It takes time - the grooves the trauma wore are deep and difficult. But even my most entrenched and obnoxiously difficult triggers are easier to manage because where I cannot process the trigger (how do you do exposure therapy for sleep disruption) I have been able to build something like a Goldenberg machine around it so when the trigger happens there's the physical comfort and safety obstacle course to get through, and then the almost automatic response now of "yes that was a trigger and you might remember a thing and feel it but it is a memory and can go into the memory place". So by the time the triggered body memory hits, it's got a soft landing and I'm prepared. But that took years and it still ongoing.
In the short term I would probably ask your husband to change the facial hair, and set up a kind of routine or environment that prioritises safety even if it doesn't make exact sense. I have set up my bedroom in a way that isn't 'right' but I have full view of the door and also open space and my doors are always closed. Similar to my living space. Choose somewhere that feels safe and expand it, and make it your own. Retreat there when necessary. Do good and kind things for yourself there. Give yourself as much positive space as you can to bolster the reserves for when shit goes inevitably wrong.
And as a fellow Dissociative but not Like That person, I also try and acknowledge the strengths of those parts of me. Baby Geek Anachronism did really well when she set up her boundaries that time and enforced them. Teen Geek Anachronism did everything she could. We survived and those parts of me offer something to adult me. I'm not as definitely separated or fractured as DID suggests, so it's not difficult in terms of those still being me, and they are parts that were harmed but also did well.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:21 PM on January 29, 2022 [3 favorites]
Practice, pacing and medication.
There's is no way in hell in various parts of my life that i could have functioned within a relationship without medication to calm me down. Even then it was a slog.
Pacing, in that being in tons of distress could possibly mean that maybe you are working on too much at once, or that you need to slow down your relationship interactions a little, or just taking more time to yourself. What this looks like can be a really wide variety of things depending on your access to care and fiances. Obviously this is just really really really really hard work, and it's incredibly difficult work. It isn't going to be easy. But sometimes a person can give themselves a little more space, or narrow the therapeutic work in a way that helps one to process it.
Practice. My therapist says something about literally rewriting my brain with new pathways, and that this takes lots and lots of time and repetition. That doing things in a different way, recognizing my present versus my past, allowing myself to try different reactions is key to better functioning even when it is damn difficult. Practice helps the brain choose an appropriate response when under stress.
Though for me there were points when I was just too activated to do anything but take something to calm me down and ride it out. It wasn't ideal. But it was absolutely necessary and for me to a point where I could approach things in a much calmer way. I no longer need those meds and or want a permanent thing.
Take gentle care of you. This is just really hard stuff.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:33 AM on January 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
There's is no way in hell in various parts of my life that i could have functioned within a relationship without medication to calm me down. Even then it was a slog.
Pacing, in that being in tons of distress could possibly mean that maybe you are working on too much at once, or that you need to slow down your relationship interactions a little, or just taking more time to yourself. What this looks like can be a really wide variety of things depending on your access to care and fiances. Obviously this is just really really really really hard work, and it's incredibly difficult work. It isn't going to be easy. But sometimes a person can give themselves a little more space, or narrow the therapeutic work in a way that helps one to process it.
Practice. My therapist says something about literally rewriting my brain with new pathways, and that this takes lots and lots of time and repetition. That doing things in a different way, recognizing my present versus my past, allowing myself to try different reactions is key to better functioning even when it is damn difficult. Practice helps the brain choose an appropriate response when under stress.
Though for me there were points when I was just too activated to do anything but take something to calm me down and ride it out. It wasn't ideal. But it was absolutely necessary and for me to a point where I could approach things in a much calmer way. I no longer need those meds and or want a permanent thing.
Take gentle care of you. This is just really hard stuff.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:33 AM on January 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
I kind of have two areas of advice. One is for you for dealing with this phase (and in my experience, it is a phase and it won’t always be like this).
First, even with job/child/life try to find a way to expend adrenal energy. That can be working out hard, swimming for me was good cause you can kind of fight the water/cry, go for walks in nature/garden (with or without your family), do yoga, anything that will ground your body in the present. The body knows the score and all that.
Second, treat yourself and your body to nice new things. New cuisines you never had as a child. Ice cream. Baths. Facials. Nail polish. Whatever. It helps to ease that trapped feeling. Hobbies can do this too.
Third, if you haven’t already, create a place at home that’s yours. A special chair with snuggly blanket and a favourite candle (scent is great for a reset.) Have headphones there. Train your family to approach that space a little gently (if it has a door great.) paint the walls.
Finally, it’s okay let let the flashbacks through without arguing them. You don’t have to decide if they involve your cousin or are displacement or have a trial-worthy answer right now. It’s hard because the factual mind is also the one that says no, it’s 2022 right now. But you could just be like, ok, this is what is coming into my mind as a kind of truth right now (the truth of some kind of trauma), so I’m going to explore that truth mentally a bit. Because it’s not happening right now. It’s fine. So like any narrative/story/understanding I can just see what’s in it. If this did happen, My experience would have been more than one relation using my body as if it were ok. That’s hard! You can sit with that now and discard it later, or not.
Second area of advice - your husband. It is ok for him to be grumpy. It’s ok (though not pleasant) for you to have a hard time! If you weren’t addressing it at all that might be an issue. But it’s ok. I would just let him know when you know your response was heightened, and that you are working on it. From there trust him to have some flexibility.
What helped my marriage overall in that period was to make sure to connect the other days, the non-flashback-ridden days. For me sex was involved but it didn’t have to be. Just to have fun where possible. We didn’t have kids at that time so we did a round of eating at really nice restaurants (something with zero childhood memories for me!) if I were doing it now it would probably be hopping in the car and going for a hike with everyone. But something fun, fun, fun.
Set up some rituals - Friday night tacos or whatever - and laugh together as much as possible.
Also make sure he has space if he needs a night out with friends, hobby time, etc. with parenting I know this is hard. But he might need a bit more to ride this time out too.
Finally…I think it’s very likely all will be fine with your spouse. But I do sense that you worry he’s the last and only person in your life to be there. When I was going through acute therapy I felt the same, partly because I had no bandwidth to do friend and community stuff much and partly because I truly felt divorced from 99.9999% of humanity. That was part of my feelings from childhood. Real and legit inside, not true outside. It’s just fine to fight for a good relationship, go for it! But be aware that if the worst happened (again I don’t think it will), you would find a way.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:36 AM on January 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
First, even with job/child/life try to find a way to expend adrenal energy. That can be working out hard, swimming for me was good cause you can kind of fight the water/cry, go for walks in nature/garden (with or without your family), do yoga, anything that will ground your body in the present. The body knows the score and all that.
Second, treat yourself and your body to nice new things. New cuisines you never had as a child. Ice cream. Baths. Facials. Nail polish. Whatever. It helps to ease that trapped feeling. Hobbies can do this too.
Third, if you haven’t already, create a place at home that’s yours. A special chair with snuggly blanket and a favourite candle (scent is great for a reset.) Have headphones there. Train your family to approach that space a little gently (if it has a door great.) paint the walls.
Finally, it’s okay let let the flashbacks through without arguing them. You don’t have to decide if they involve your cousin or are displacement or have a trial-worthy answer right now. It’s hard because the factual mind is also the one that says no, it’s 2022 right now. But you could just be like, ok, this is what is coming into my mind as a kind of truth right now (the truth of some kind of trauma), so I’m going to explore that truth mentally a bit. Because it’s not happening right now. It’s fine. So like any narrative/story/understanding I can just see what’s in it. If this did happen, My experience would have been more than one relation using my body as if it were ok. That’s hard! You can sit with that now and discard it later, or not.
Second area of advice - your husband. It is ok for him to be grumpy. It’s ok (though not pleasant) for you to have a hard time! If you weren’t addressing it at all that might be an issue. But it’s ok. I would just let him know when you know your response was heightened, and that you are working on it. From there trust him to have some flexibility.
What helped my marriage overall in that period was to make sure to connect the other days, the non-flashback-ridden days. For me sex was involved but it didn’t have to be. Just to have fun where possible. We didn’t have kids at that time so we did a round of eating at really nice restaurants (something with zero childhood memories for me!) if I were doing it now it would probably be hopping in the car and going for a hike with everyone. But something fun, fun, fun.
Set up some rituals - Friday night tacos or whatever - and laugh together as much as possible.
Also make sure he has space if he needs a night out with friends, hobby time, etc. with parenting I know this is hard. But he might need a bit more to ride this time out too.
Finally…I think it’s very likely all will be fine with your spouse. But I do sense that you worry he’s the last and only person in your life to be there. When I was going through acute therapy I felt the same, partly because I had no bandwidth to do friend and community stuff much and partly because I truly felt divorced from 99.9999% of humanity. That was part of my feelings from childhood. Real and legit inside, not true outside. It’s just fine to fight for a good relationship, go for it! But be aware that if the worst happened (again I don’t think it will), you would find a way.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:36 AM on January 30, 2022 [3 favorites]
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I had a partner once who was sexually assaulted at a party, and when they came home they wanted me to hold them and soothe them but they also couldn't bear to be touched. It was very late so we laid down in bed together and I told them I would stay on the far side of the mattress and lay perfectly still and not move, keeping my hands by my sides. If they wanted to snuggle up to me or put their arms around me, they could. And if they wanted me to touch them, they could tell me what to do and I'd do exactly as they said. But that's it. I wouldn't initiate anything, or lean in to cuddle harder, and if I had to shift my body or get up to pee I'd announce it first.
After a few hours they scooted closer, and then they put their arm around me, and eventually they asked me to turn around and spoon them, and by the next day— even though they were still having crying jags and flashbacks, and did for many weeks after— I was marked as "safe" and we were able to resume our normal level of intimacy very quickly.
So maybe you could take that principle and come up with a "safety cue" to remind yourself all is well. Like, when you notice a relational threat, you could negotiate that your husband will hold still and you'll come up to him and place your palm on his heart, and you can breathe together, and you'll remember that you trust him, even when he's a bit grouchy.
posted by lloquat at 2:52 PM on January 29, 2022 [7 favorites]