In an awkward position — my mom owes me a bit of money. Strategies?

January 3, 2022 4:37 PM

During my visit, my mom asked if I could place an Amazon order for her, valued at around $25, then she'd pay me back. She did not. She mentioned once, unprompted, that she didn't forget that she'd pay me back and would before I left, but that didn't happen. To be fair, we had a bad snowstorm that caused us to lose power for a few days, so it's possible she forgot.

This is a situation I'm feeling awkward about, because of a few reasons: 1) she's my mom, 2) I'm bad at asserting myself, and 3) I hate conflict. All those issues are/will be addressed with my therapist when we restart sessions soon this month.

I know I asked about my mom in my last Ask, but this is a completely separate situation. I think it was out of convenience for her — my laptop was open, Amazon was there, and she probably didn't want to fish out her own laptop and place the order. No big deal, really, it's ~$25.

BUT! Here are the issues.

1) I have trauma related with money, stemming from past issues, a former friend stealing $300 from me, and other issues. A current friend of mine still owes me money I loaned him (regretfully), and money just isn't a subject I'm overall comfortable with. I've seen it hurt too many people/friendships/relationships.
2) I feel like I'm being "petty" if I ask my mom about the $25 she said she would pay me back. I mean, it's only $25, right? I don't want to feel like I'm shaking my mom down for that, especially she has done nice things for me, cooked a lot of good dinners, etc etc etc.
3) But, she did say she would pay me back, and didn't. This triggers feelings of abandonment in me, like I was forgotten about, or not important enough to pay back, and even though the amount is small, it (I think subconsciously) puts my mom in the same "group" of those people who didn't pay me back, including former and current friends. Although I know this most likely wasn't intentional at all by her (snowstorm, forgot, stress of holidays, etc), it's unfortunate that those feelings were/are triggered.

Does that make any sense at all? Do you have any recommendations on how I should proceed? I'll be happy to just let it go, but at the same time, it's also the principle too, you know? I'm just afraid if I bring it up with her now, it'll make me seem petty, or ungrateful, or whatnot.

Thanks for any advice or thoughts, and Happy 2022! This year, my goal for myself is to be more present, definite with my feelings, simplify, and try to let go of old traumas/fears.

posted by dubious_dude to Human Relations (40 answers total)

Let it go.
posted by dianeF at 4:49 PM on January 3, 2022 [79 favorites]

Ask her to donate the $25 to your favorite charity?
posted by mpark at 4:52 PM on January 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Do you need that money? Is your mother the sort to politely pay it back if you ask, or will she ignore it, or explode all over you? Is it really worth picking this fight?

I'm going to take a wild guess that if you aren't good with conflict, it's because you've had people blow up in your face a lot, and your mom might be one of those people who yells if you have a problem with her.

I don't ask my mom to pay me back if she forgets or doesn't, personally, but I'd rather do that than fight, and my mom is easily explode-y. It ain't worth it to me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:52 PM on January 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Does the sum of $25 matter to you financially?

If yes, remind your mother.
If no, let it go.

That's about all there is to it. Normal people forget their obligations from time to time. I recently forgot to pay an insurance bill - with repeated notices from my insurance company - and I consider myself a reasonably organized person. You are not being abandoned by someone forgetting to pay some money, especially when you haven't even reminded them to pay.
posted by saeculorum at 4:53 PM on January 3, 2022 [62 favorites]

I would guess that this has been an extremely full couple of weeks for her, if it's anything like... most of the country. Since she said she'd pay you back, it's on her mind but so are many other things. As you said, the $25 is not a big deal so apart from her own (admittedly forgotten) intention to pay it back before you left, I would guess she doesn't feel there's any real time pressure.

If it were me, I would wait until I next talk to my parent for ordinary reasons, and mention it then if she hasn't spontaneously paid it back by then: "OK, sure, talk to you later, oh and remember, you said you were going to pay me back that 25 bucks."

Alternatively, letting it go as others suggest might be good practice for seeing a small money matter is an ordinary, everyday thing that family and friends that may resolve itself without any conflict or confrontation necessary, and for being okay with any outcome.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:54 PM on January 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

Do you see her often? Do you go shopping or out to lunch where you can throw a $25 item into her cart and say “hey, why don’t you just buy this for me/pay for lunch instead of giving me $ for that Amazon order”.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:55 PM on January 3, 2022 [5 favorites]

She said she wanted to pay you back. A bunch of stuff came up in the meantime. Try to tamp down as much of your complicated (and totally valid!) emotions around money and lending, act like you’re doing her a favor in remembering, downplay it as much as possible, maybe couch it in a longer train of thought, and remind her once.
posted by supercres at 4:55 PM on January 3, 2022 [6 favorites]

This could be a useful and financially low stakes opportunity to practice being assertive with someone important to you. It is also very unlikely to have major lasting consequences if things go awkward.

I know it’s majorly uncomfortable to ask, but it’ll get easier in some way or another every time you try.

Sit with this idea of reframing the situation in this way (as an opportunity to practice and grow) and decide if you’re ready to give it a try. Either way, you’ll learn something about yourself. If it’s a no, let it go. (And if you’re struggling to let it go, reconsider your decision; you may be more ready to ask than you realise.)
posted by iamkimiam at 5:02 PM on January 3, 2022 [10 favorites]

Others above have discussed if you want to let this go - if you do, think of it as a gift, freely given, not her taking advantage of you.

If you do want to ask about it, I would say something like:
Hey!
It was great to see you last weekend for the holidays! I realized I forgot to get cash from you for the amazon stuff before I left - do you mind sending a check? [or "sending it via venmo" if that's something she does.]
Love,
Dude
posted by mercredi at 5:11 PM on January 3, 2022 [15 favorites]

The goal here is to keep a good relationship with your mom. Obviously letting it go, like others have suggested, would be the easiest way to do this if you can actually let it go. If you can't let it go and this is going to gnaw at you and negatively impact how you interact with your mom, then I'd follow supercres/mercredi and ask once. Most people really don't mind being reminded of money they owe someone - maybe your mom will think you're being petty, but likely it will be a blip that will quickly be forgotten. Good luck!
posted by coffeecat at 5:16 PM on January 3, 2022 [4 favorites]

If I knew you irl, I'd just hand you twenty five bucks. This has nothing to do with your friend or abandonment, move on.
posted by history is a weapon at 5:20 PM on January 3, 2022 [25 favorites]

If you really can't live with just letting it go (I can understand why you would feel this way), could you live with making it a gift to her? Send her a message saying 'hey, don't bother paying me back the $25, consider it a gift' and move on.

It's possible this could backfire, I guess, but it's a way of you letting go of the issue without just caving in.
posted by dg at 5:20 PM on January 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

Can you send a request on Venmo or a similar service? It’s indirect, but also (provides she uses the service), takes a lot of the decision-making friction out on her end. To follow through on paying you back, all she has to do is push the “yep, pay it” button.
posted by itesser at 5:21 PM on January 3, 2022

Response by poster: A lot of helpful answers so far!

To answer some of the questions, no, my mom doesn't use Venmo or any of the 'transfer' services. Old fashioned, haha. And, she lives cross-country from me, so a lunch or shopping session won't ideally work.

Supercres, can you clarify a bit on what you meant by this? > act like you’re doing her a favor in remembering, downplay it as much as possible

Would you have a suggested script that I might could use?

I'm leaning towards maybe just letting this go, unless there's a script that might work wonders with my mom. I just don't want any conflict or be perceived as petty, or whatnot. $25 matters nothing to me, financially-wise, I guess it's more of the principle.
posted by dubious_dude at 5:26 PM on January 3, 2022

To be totally fair to you, I believe that there is SOME amount of money that justifies an employed person’s asking his mother to pay it back. Maybe for someone who makes $40,000 a year that amount is $100? $200? But unless you’re working a minimum-wage job, $25 is not that requisite amount.

I could never ask my mother to pay me back because she has helped me too much in the past. Do with that sentiment what you will.
posted by 8603 at 5:31 PM on January 3, 2022 [23 favorites]

it's also the principle too, you know?

You can choose which principle applies here, though. Like "a little slack makes the world go around", or "this is what money is for", or "don't count the beans, just notice when the pile gets unwieldy", or "who even knows how the total ledger of all the debts and credits between us even balances out", or "generosity is a wonderful thing to be able to afford", or "give a little, take a little". Or some principle that sounds better than the ones I can think of right now. There are entire religions and philosophies and cultural systems that offer principles that override "it's mine, I should get compensated for my loss" and "a promise was broken here".

But I think the answer to "how to proceed" is to do things that will help you one day get to the point where you don't begrudge a few dollars lost here and there, where you're no longer traumatized over money, and where you're able to look at the bigger balance of things. Maybe one day even to a point where it gives you joy to be able to use your money for things like this.
posted by trig at 5:32 PM on January 3, 2022 [43 favorites]

I personally would consider writing off the $25 as a fantastically low price for not spending even one more second agonizing over how or if to ask. It's a very weird time, few of us are at our best, and assuming nothing else is weird between you, this absolutely sounds like it's about her being overloaded and nothing at all to do with you. Maybe this could be a good chance to practice attaching less meaning to small sums of money passing between loved ones.

That said, I don't have the history with financial trauma that you do. Maybe letting it go isn't something your brain is going to do. If that's the case, no, it wouldn't be wild or petty of you to ask about being repaid. Try to judge your timing for a time when she's not busy or overwhelmed, and ask about it nonjudgmentally.
posted by Stacey at 5:41 PM on January 3, 2022 [13 favorites]

Response by poster: Trig, very good points. I guess it's just that I have been raised, by my mom nonetheless, to always repay my debts to others, and to pay on time. When I was in college, she expected me to pay rent during the summer when I was staying at home. She always emphasizes the importance of being considerate and being on top of your stuff.

But yeah, I think I'm going to discuss this with my therapist, see what she has to say. I personally am willing to let it go (as mentioned upthread, $25 is nothing), just afraid my mind/subconscious won't do the same.

Pardon, by the way, the threadsit. Appreciate all your input!
posted by dubious_dude at 5:46 PM on January 3, 2022 [6 favorites]

So, it sounds like you’re willing to let it go. If you want to convince your brain of that, I’d approach it by telling myself, it’s only $25, my mother has made me so many meals, they more than cancel this out. We’re all square here. And let it go. For all you know, that’s how your mum is looking at it too.
posted by Jubey at 5:51 PM on January 3, 2022 [8 favorites]

Here’s a thought: send your mom a gift (via Amazon) of around $25 of candles (or a candle holder with a candle, or a hurricane lamp, or whatever) with a note about how you want her to be prepared next time the power goes out. It will be a gift from a place of love, so you’ll be okay with spending the money, and she’ll show her appreciation for the lovely gesture, which could assuage your feelings of abandonment, and you’ll low-key bond over the stressful time you spent together. Maybe it will remind her of the last time you got something for her on Amazon, but more importantly, it will demonstrate for you both that your biying things for her on Amazon is a caring familial interaction and not a fraught financial transaction.
posted by ejs at 5:52 PM on January 3, 2022 [5 favorites]

I get the feeling of not letting it go ...it's one thing to be generous and another to have that imposed on you. It would irritate me if it was habitual, for sure. But your options are obviously just to let it go (and to decide to do so, consciously will be best) or just ask her for it. I'm not sure how that will work given the distance? You could, I suppose, keep it in mind and let her pay for coffee when you see her next? It does sound kind of like a that-way- madness- lies situation for you if you stay attached to it, but as a looser arrangement I think this is basically how my family functions with small amounts of money, kind of taking turns in a vague, unorganised way.
posted by jojobobo at 5:52 PM on January 3, 2022 [1 favorite]

best thing you can do for everyone here, primarily yourself, is to let it go. This isn't about abandonment or any of the issues you're projecting onto it. This is a great little training wheels episode for practicing getting over that stuff.

Honestly, if she had made a point to pay you back this trivial amount of money, that could easily be taken as more hurtful than forgetting about it. That's the sort of thing you'd do for someone you're not close to, or someone you knew was petty, or insolvent. She doesn't think you're any of those things. That's good.

Also, your mom is a person, and I think most people would be stunned and deeply hurt to find out their own solvent, adult kid resented spotting them $25. (I surely would be.) This really is best not acted on or said out loud.

[eta this is not at all the same thing as charging a college kid rent. Inculcating good financial responsibility & habits into one's kid is an important thing that parents need to do, and getting the kid in the habit of earning so they can pay rent is a reasonable way of going about it. You don't need to educate her about debts.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:53 PM on January 3, 2022 [23 favorites]

Hi! I can relate to your tension - there’s more than a thousand dollars out there that various people have never paid me back for, I grew up poor and still have major anxieties around money, etc. The following reflects what I’ve tried to do for myself - ymmv.

When I have, in the past, loaned people money, it’s often part of a dynamic where I want them to like me, often on top of me wanting to make *them* feel better: look at this simple thing I can do! I can give them something they need now - they will feel good about it, and about me! Deep down inside, I think what I am doing unintentionally is hoping that they will, in turn, *need me*. Not that they will be indebted to me, but that the happiness my favor makes them feel will build something positive between us.

Because I’ve had so many instances where people have not paid me back, and because not-being-paid-back can call up such anxiety and fear about my self-worth, I’ve taken the excellent advice to never make loans. If I can afford financially and emotionally to give what someone asks for as a gift, I do - if I can’t, I don’t.

Learning to say no to these kinds of requests was hard for me, but as someone who grew up constantly people-pleasing and violating my own boundaries to take care of other people, it has been fully necessary. If someone owing me money can make me feel worthless, why would I willingly give someone that power and set myself up to feel worthless? Further questions are important to me, too: if just not-paying-me-back can convince me that a loved one thinks I’m worthless, what else is going on in that relationship? What WOULD make me feel valued in that relationship? Why do I value that person, and how do I show it in ways that aren’t about lending money?

My advice would be to not just let it go (and I’d advocate for letting it go without saying anything, since that emphasizes the idea that this $25 is super-meaningful to you), but to reaffirm your mom’s value to you and your value to your mom. You could write her a card telling her something that you love about her, and ask her to tell you a story about a time she was proud of you. You could get on the phone and trade recipes. Anything that refocuses your brain on the worth you DO see in each other, what really matters to you.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 5:56 PM on January 3, 2022 [4 favorites]

As to collecting based on "the principle" personally I feel a higher principle would be that since the money is immaterial to you that you just forget about it. You will unlikely regret any kindness or generosity that you show your parents. They will be gone forever before you know it and you will be somewhat consoled by your memories of being generous and kind to them. (Tangentially, organizing your decisions around the principle of minimizing future regret is a decent overall strategy) Kind regards.
posted by jcworth at 5:57 PM on January 3, 2022 [8 favorites]

Work on the feelings around abandonment/money with your therapist, absolutely do not bring it up with your mother. Part of getting older is a change in your relationship with your parents, moving from child to equal. You note that your mom did a lot of labor cooking meals over the holiday; think of the $25 as a token of appreciation/your contribution to the family holiday.
posted by nancynickerson at 6:05 PM on January 3, 2022 [16 favorites]

This seems to be triggering a lot of feelings surrounding self-esteem and relationships with others/core beliefs about yourself which some people on this thread are downplaying or invalidating, probably because it wouldn't be a triggering situation for them. Often it happens that "minor", "petty" incidents trigger much bigger feelings in us because they symbolize more significant emotional experience that hasn't been fully processed. Its not usually helpful to "just forget it and move on. " As a therapist, I'd recommend you unpack with your therapist as well.
posted by bearette at 6:10 PM on January 3, 2022 [7 favorites]

I think you have to give yourself permission to let it go. Right now, you feel like if you let it go you're being taken advantage of, it seems.

But you also know that it's unintentional and only 25 dollars. You're not being taken advantage of, it's just one of those money weirdnesses that come up now and then.

So those things have to coexist and I think saying to yourself that you are not being taken advantage of and you are *choosing* not to pursue it might help.

If you do decide to pursue it, the key is to treat it lightly. "Hey would you mind writing a check so I can pay off X?"

But if you can afford it and fully understand the whole circumstances as you seem to, I think another good practice would be to let it go.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:47 PM on January 3, 2022

nthing that this is the universe giving you a chance, very early in 2022, to practice trying "to let go of old traumas/fears" in a very, very safe space. The amount is not going to change your retirement date, or the neighborhood you live in, or probably your dinner plans. So if you can let this one go, try that on; if it fits, great! You're well on your way. If it's not a good fit right now, also great: there are many backup plans from many wise ones above (scripts and plans etc.) that should work just fine. That's my $0.02, and you don't have to Venmo me back lol.
posted by adekllny at 7:02 PM on January 3, 2022 [10 favorites]

I think your anxiety reminds me of people who have a hard time setting boundaries or valuing their own worth.

What is the bad thing that happens if you ask her, next time you talk on the phone, to mail you a check for the amount? And I wouldn't lie, just be honest, next time you speak, "Mom, you said last month you'd owe me $25, can you mail me a check for that?"

Then it's on her to respond. She can suggest an alternative or something, like paying you back next visit, or she can accept your suggestion, or she can dismiss it in some way, in which case you can bring it up next time she asks you for a financial favor, or next time there's an opportunity to have her pay for something like a shared meal, "Mom remember when you said you'd pay me back for that amazon order during your visit during 2021 holidays, do you mind getting the check?" but otherwise let it go.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 7:26 PM on January 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

Although it’s an old chestnut at this point, it bears repeating that you should never lend money to a friend that you wouldn’t be happy to just give them, because the chances are that you’re not getting that money back. You should let this go and rather than trying to think up a script to remind your mother of her promise to pay back the twenty-five bucks, spend that energy developing scripts and strategies for saying no the next time around (or, alternatively, resolve to consider any “loan” to your mother a gift).
posted by slkinsey at 7:35 PM on January 3, 2022 [4 favorites]

If you are flat broke and need the money:
"Hey Mom, sorry to have to bring this up, but could I please get that $25 back from you?"

If you don't need the money:
"Hey Mom, remember how I bought that thing off Amazon and you were going to pay me back? Please don't worry about it. It's really the least I can do as a small gesture of thanks for everything you have done for me. Thank you."
posted by kinddieserzeit at 7:43 PM on January 3, 2022 [8 favorites]

The base rule for loaning stuff to people, is never to loan anything if it will bug you if you don't get it back. That doesn't mean forgetting about it though. If it's going to rankle it's going to rankle, and if it rankles that's generally a sign that you feel that something about your relationship involve injustice.

I am inclined to suggest that you do not forget this, but use it as metric. If your mom completely forgets, you know going forward that she will make commitments and break them. That doesn't mean she is a bad person, just an unreliable one, and it is on you thereafter to remember not to rely on her.

I suspect that you are worried about this because you don't believe your mom is reliable, and you are feeling like she is hypocritical, and had rules and expectations for you, but doesn't hold herself to the same standard. I also suspect that you are afraid of her reaction, that she will be hurt if you ask her for it back - thus implying that you are the bad guy and mean, or that she will put you off - thus making light of her commitments and of your feelings and needs, or that she will mock you for being anxious - again, making light of your feelings and needs, or maybe she will claim she already paid - gaslighting.

The only way you will know if she will remember on her own is if you do not remind her. You could do that, and if she forgets (or chooses not to repay you) you will have a piece of data to use to help you manage your relationship with her in future. The same thing will happen if you ask her for it back. If she gets defensive or dismissive or acts unkind, you'll know that is what you can expect from her. And if she doesn't pay back until you remind her and then pays back promptly without putting any emotional labour on you, you will also have a different data point for managing your relationship with her.

It's very possible that this is all on you, that you are struggling with boundaries and she will either remember or not make you uncomfortable if you ask her for the loan back first. You could be making a mountain out of a molehill as the expression goes. People do. If that's what's going on, you can probably conclude the data point you acquired has to do with your own anxiety.

Once you figure out that someone you loan stuff to is unreliable, you can then decide how many freebies they get. Most people we are willing to spend time with are worth a few freebies - for one thing, they are often granting similar charity to us. Our friend who cadges all the food they can lay their hands on may also be the friend how lets us blather on for hours about your favourite show that they don't particularly care for and is still grinning happily after four hours of listening, or they may keep asking to borrow ten and forgetting to repay it, but also are the one who picked you up at three in the morning when you were stranded and woke them from a deep sleep before they had to work a double shift.

The good thing about giving someone a freebie is that it can make it easier for us to create a boundary thereafter. If you loan Joe ten dollars and he never pays it back, and you don't really need it back, you can go on being friends with Joe. But when Joe asks you for another ten dollars, you will remember that he already owes you, so you are not being unkind, or harsh to cut him off. You can always loan him money again once he pays off the first lot. Of course you don't have to tell him this, it's just easier to simply deny in a pleasant way without giving a reason, "I wish I could, but I'm afraid it's not possible."

Score keeping is linked to anxiety and insecurity. Anxiety and insecurity is usually the result of feeling a situation is unfair and unsafe. It the case of Joe above who wants borrow ten every week and never replay it, you're right to feel insecure. The guy wants to take advantage to you and is a predator.

I'm going to suggest that your mother has modeled score keeping behaviour to you - By raising you with exhortations on how important it is to pay your debts and pay them on time, she has taught you to feel that this stuff is really important - and therefore reasonable to be both worried that you might make mistakes and leave debts owing, AND reasonable and normal to be worried that other people will leave you hanging with debts unpaid. It could just be a shared anxiety. Or it could be a key to understand why you don't trust her. There is a trust issue going on. It's not a bad thing if you find out whether you can trust her or not.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:45 PM on January 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

This entirely depends on your relationship with your mother.

Between my mother and I it would go thus:

[general conversation]
…
Me: "Oh, by the way you still owe me twenty-five bucks."
Mom: "Oh I’m so sorry. I forgot. Let’s take care of that right now."
…

Here’s the thing: I know my mother wants to keep accounts balanced. My reminding her is not an action of aggression or greed or neediness on my part, it is my way of helping her do something she really wants to do.

It sounds like your mother may have similar leanings, in which case I would suggest reframing this from being a burden to helping out someone you love.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:14 PM on January 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

I can't assess your relationship with your mother from what you've said; either of my parents, or my sibling, I would have immediately said no, I can't do that right now.

That's because I already KNOW with them I'd be lucky if I got it back, and when they did so, they'd act like they were doing me an enormous favor by paying me back money that was mine in the first place. Like, so much so, you'd think THEY were lending ME money.

And they pull that with everyone. I actually had to tell my ten-year-old daughter NOT to tell her same-age, best-friend cousin she had any money, and that she was not allowed to lend money to ANYONE, because my sister, an adult and the mom of the best-friend cousin, kept borrowing it, promising to pay her back, and never did.

So, that said... if your relationship with your mother has even a small percentage of that going on, hell yes, try to get it back once or twice. If you don't, seriously - write it off, and then NEVER EVER LEND HER MONEY AGAIN.

In fact, as a general rule... don't ever lend money to family or friends. It's hella rare they'll give it back. If it's for something actually important, and you can afford to give the money, then sure, give it, and call it a loan, just in case you might get it back, but mentally, write it off as a gift.
posted by stormyteal at 11:06 PM on January 3, 2022 [2 favorites]

Your past borrowing problems with friends/ partners is not your relationship with your mom in the present. Trauma has the habit of making past things feel like they are ongoing but your mom isn't those other people. Even if it feels distressing,if the money doesn't matter like you say, then it is a therapy problem and not a response with your mom problem.

If you are willing to talk to your mom anyway I'd suggest being honest with her about it like "mom this is silly and I know you likely just forgot but you said you'd pay me 25 back to the Amazon order and I would really appreciate it if you did. It's not that important but it is bothering my brain, and I keep thinking about it even though it's just a little bit of money. If you have the money could you pay me back so I can think about other stuff? Thanks for understanding!"
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:41 AM on January 4, 2022 [4 favorites]

Hi, I'm not your mom, but I am a mom, so this is my perspective.
If I owed money to my daughter and forgot to give it back, it would drive me up a wall. A dollar, a hundred dollars, it wouldn't matter. The part that would bug me is that I didn't keep track of it.
I hate the whole "senior moment" vibe, but there it is.
Seconding any approach above that says, one time, that you don't need the money. You are just touching base, not keeping score.
Also seconding repeating to yourself, "No, that won't be possible" and "No, I can't do that at this time" to any requests for things that you cannot give away freely.
Being on either side of an unpaid debt is hard.
posted by TrishaU at 2:34 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

This is about you and your relationship with money, and I am sure your therapist will guide you toward a healthy resolution. It seems like this might be important for you as an act to reclaim your money as owed. Your mom asked for a loan, not a gift, and that needs to be recognized on your end even if she never sees the difference.

Can you work with your therapist on a healthy way to get the money, and then buy mom a gift for that amount and give it to her with the explanation of why this was an important step in your growth in being a fully formed healthy adult and it was never about the money and its value as you have said you are not experiencing hardship without the money. And the gift is to thank her for providing the opportunity to make growth in yourself and your relationship to money.
posted by archimago at 4:41 AM on January 4, 2022

In general, I never “loan” money. I “give” money. Loan implies repayment and usually that never happens and it sets up a weird dynamic that I rather not be part of. Giving money does not have that expectation. Now, with that in mind, I never give money I cannot afford to lose. That way if I never see reimbursement, I’m not financially hurting. I never ‘give” money again to a person who promises to pay it back but does not. They broke one promise, the likely hood of doing it again is pretty great so if I cannot afford to “give” or even if I do not want to ‘give” than I do not. I’m a huge believer in things evening out in life, I buy you coffee, one day you buy me coffee. I do a good thing, one day someone else does a good thing for me or someone I cara about. Karma. If I feel used by anyone, I stop giving, financial, or otherwise. Reframing how I see money, or anything I value, including my time and defining my boundaries alleviated almost all my stress around giving money, time and care to others. A few times, I’ve lost people in my life because of it, but not many and those I lost were not people who truly cared about me anyway.
There are some exceptions, I’d probably “give” every last penny I had to my daughters or my SO if they needed it..
posted by ReiFlinx at 8:59 AM on January 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

I get that you have a genuine issue with money and loans, so the fact that it’s only 25 bucks isn’t the point. I also understand not wanting to seem petty and not wanting an uncomfortable conversation. Would it help you if you told your mom not to pay you back, that she can consider that money a gift? I’m wondering if that might ease your mind. At least you’d be able to stop thinking about it. It’s possible that when you say it, she’ll be prompted to repay it.
posted by wryly at 12:18 PM on January 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

If it were me, I would absolutely let it go. And if it came up again in the future I would say, "Mom, you taught me how to use a spoon. Please accept that Amazon order as a gift, and as a tiny token of my appreciation of all you've done for me. I love you".
posted by Tunierikson at 5:46 AM on January 5, 2022