Sheffield / Newcastle upon Tyne: Dating scene for 30s woman?

October 17, 2019 10:24 AM

I've just applied for medical school. If I got in, I'd be there from ages 33-38. I'm also keen to have a partner (probably male) and family at some point (yes, it might involve taking time off medical school). This decision is provoking anxiety for me because... well, my biological timeline feels short. I've put Newcastle as one of my options, but I could switch it to Sheffield. My question is primarily: which of the two is better for what I'm looking to find? and also, somewhat, how should I go about finding it?

Both Newcastle and Sheffield are much smaller than London, where I've been for the last few years, and where I've found it easy to use online dating to meet people. (My private-tutoring job has made it difficult to meet people more organically recently. I did find a boyfriend on Bumble, but we decided eventually that it wasn't going to work between us.) I like OKCupid and quite like (second choice) Bumble - lots of interesting, educated guys on both. I've tried Tinder, but a) I can't screen for smoking or political stance (so end up having lots of exhausting conversations with people who there's no chance I'd date), b) even more importantly, I'm actually attracted to people based on personality rather than looks, particularly in relation to them being good with words. Obviously I find Tinder incredibly frustrating / borderline pointless, as I can't tell from empty or very bland bios whether I'd like someone. I checked out OKCupid in the Sheffield and Newcastle areas - it does seem to be basically dead. Having been up in Scotland recently, I quickly managed to swipe my way through the *whole* of Bumble. So I'm thinking Bumble ain't that widely used in Scotland, and probably isn't in Newcastle/Sheffield either.

A bit about the kind of person I'm looking for: closeish to my age, feminist, articulate, into some of literature/books/creativity/film, happy to be silly, non-smoker, left/green politics. Pretty much a MeFite?
I'm not sure what would be a good way to meet *men* who are good with words - book clubs seem to mostly attract women, and I'm not really into spoken word / slam poetry for its own sake (I much prefer novels, and I also like poetry published on paper). I like the kind of person who does improv comedy (they tend to be warm, open, creative), but unfortunately I don't much like improv myself. I think it might be difficult to persuade myself to consistently go along to something purely to meet people, without much liking the thing itself.

I don't know either city, although I've visited Newcastle and thought it was at least pretty, though felt deprived.

Anecdotal wisdom: one of my sisters lived in Newcastle for a couple of years, and she quickly swiped to the end of Tinder (she dates women and is into the same sort of person as I am); my other sister lived in Sheffield for a couple of years and hated it, saying it was ugly and that she couldn't find any people she connected with, even though she joined a book group and a walking group - she's much happier in Norwich now.

I wonder if Sheffield would be better than Newcastle for me, because I've heard the north-east is pretty economically depressed. I wonder if most people who are smart and ambitious leave the Newcastle area after graduating and head south, because south is where the good jobs are. Whereas I'm guessing this would be less true of Sheffield. Sheffield is also closer to several other big cities (and closer to London than Newcastle), hence maybe more opportunities to meet people? (Or maybe being an hour or two away from several other cities is pretty irrelevant for dating, as perhaps people don't want to travel that far.) On the other hand, I get the feeling (from a glance around what Meetup groups are going on, and from my sister's thoughts) that Sheffield isn't as big on culture/arts as Newcastle, so perhaps less of the sort of people I'd like to meet?

Can anyone give me advice on this? What's it like in either city if you want to date in the young professional age group? Are there lots of educated, ambitious people around or do they mostly tend to leave? What dating apps do people use? Or do most of the type of people I'm interested in not use dating apps? If not dating apps, how do people meet? I'm really not into drinking, sadly. And I would have to meet people outside of uni, as most of my 9-5 time would be attending lectures with mostly much younger students.

I know that many of the activities I can think of that would interest me mostly seem to attract women (things like book clubs or choirs). I do want to make local friends as well, but am more concerned about meeting potential partners. The main things I can think of that I might be into and that I think interest men as much as women would be political campaigning or doing environmental or other types of volunteering. I guess the thing with that sort of social activity as a way of meeting partners is that a lot of people would be out of my age range, be partnered, be smokers, or not really share other wordy interests - so a lot of time investment but very hit-and-miss. When I did political campaigning before (although dating was not the reason I was doing it), I was the only unpartnered person in my age range among the people I was meeting.

Thanks! (Just so you know, I posted a similar question a while ago, but in reference to Edinburgh. This was before I'd applied to medical school. The advice I got was mostly to use Tinder and *do social things*. I hope this question isn't too similar; I think Edinburgh is probably quite different from the cities I'm asking about here, and also I didn't explain in my previous question why Tinder is so difficult for me: I'm kind of demisexual and really can't tell if I'm interested from just pictures or a minimal bio. And I don't think I previously explained that the kinds of things I would naturally be inclined to do in my spare time tend not to be the kinds of things that attract potential partners, although I'm open to suggestions of other things I might enjoy doing that would be more effective.)

posted by tangerine_poppies to Human Relations (5 answers total)

I can confirm anecdotally that dating apps outside of London and SE towns like Brighton are pretty much useless regardless of what demographic you're targeting. You will need to be doing all those activities that you mention and meeting new people the old fashioned way. Don't forget that even if you do seem to be making mainly women new friends, they will have inexplicably single male friends, divorced brothers etc. who will then become part of your social circle.

I don't know Newcastle at all but Sheffield seems like a place where you would likely meet the kinds of men you're looking for- there seems to be a lot of active lefties, socialist bookshops, that kind of thing. There's also lots of climbing, walking etc which attracts wholesome type dudes. When I was last there (this year) there seemed to be a lot of young, earnest, educated young couples with babies which would suggest that people are meeting and settling down there in the way you describe?

In terms of general lifestyle Sheffield, outside the very centre, feels like a whole lot of neighbourhoods. Some feel more London-y, some more Northern-y. You could probably research areas that would be best for you to live in. Endcliffe and Nether Edge are pleasant.

You're probably right that Sheffield is better connected to other places that you could include in your search for a partner. It would be conceivable to expand to Manchester, which as that much bigger a city may have more going for it in terms of the apps, and just a larger population pool. As Sheffield and Newcastle have roughly the same Metro population this is another factor in Sheffield's favour. Regardless of anything else, sheer numbers will help your search.

Sheffield also has a quicker journey time to London (a little under 2.5 hours direct train) in case you want to escape to the big smoke from time to time.

If you have time before making your choice for med school, why not take a weekend break in each and see which one your gut prefers?
posted by Balthamos at 10:37 AM on October 17, 2019

Dealing with dating as a numbers game, I feel like there might be more members of the Green party in Sheffield, than in Newcastle, but in any case that's a kind of tell that should be possible to find out. In a similar vein, what's the vegan food scene like in either location, or non-packaging food stores.

For ideas of how to meet people in a provincial city, aside from online dating, I tried speed dating which was more fun than you might think and a variety of men. I've had friends meet through improv, 30s/40s rambling groups, board games nights, local arts scene, karate club, work, plus there's always friends of friends.

Either location is near to beautiful countryside, has great culture. Newcastle has the beach in its favour, Sheffield is better connected and nearer to other cities. The other thing to consider is that you may well end up getting your first job within the local region. Does that make a difference to you?
posted by plonkee at 1:47 PM on October 17, 2019

I would definitely go with Newcastle. There's a much larger social scene, things to do and places to go. Plus beach, airport, better train routes/schedules and easy to get to Edinburgh or Yorkshire.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:06 PM on October 17, 2019

I know two happily married couples who met at Sheffield. They all love the city and return just to keep in touch. It's a brilliant place for smart and motivated people. I can't say exactly the same for Newcastle, but I'd rate it above London for meeting people. Lots of activity in all sectors, the regional hub, and lots of easily accessible smaller cities nearby.

All of that said, the regional cities are less desperate places than London, and it's very likely people will be more relaxed, and more amenable to relaxed approaches.
posted by rustipi at 1:53 AM on October 18, 2019

Newcastle upon Tyne is rated by the British as the nicest place to live. I have friends who live and bike there. Some in medicine, all look to be outrageously happy and healthy. Serious bikng doesn't allow for a lot of bad habits, at least smoking. I think if you do your life, your likes, you will find people you like inside that track. The shore at Cullercoats is breathtaking.
posted by Oyéah at 8:28 AM on October 18, 2019