How to socialize with men? What do men do for fun?
May 5, 2019 4:09 PM Subscribe
There's a male I work with whom seems really nice and makes me laugh. I asked and he agreed to hang out after work. How do I proceed with this?
I really feel like I have absolutely no idea how to socialize with a male, despite being male as well. For the last, I don't know, 15 years maybe I've had limited social contact with males, other than at work or school. The reason for this is simple: females are usually far more accepting than males of my Asperger's (i.e., awkward social skills, OCD issues, etc.). For the last 10 years the only male I have spent any significant amount of time with is a retired professor who's about 35 years older than me.
This co-worker is in my own age group (late mid-20s, early 30s). What does a nerotypical male in his mid-20s to early 30s like to do to socialize?
I like to discuss books, political economy, etc., and this consists about 99% of all the socializing I do. I am currently reading an anthropological study on the origins of the Baloch people and about Namibia's 23-year-long struggle for independence from South Africa.
This co-worker of mine is from Sierra Leone, so I thought I'd ask him about his thoughts on Cartwright's study on the political system in Sierra Leone between 1947-67. He didn't seem interested in this line of conversation.
What I don't do and am not comfortable with is the consumption of alcoholic beverages, sports, bars, 'clubs', anywhere where there are women doing sexually provocative acts, any misogynistic or 'locker room' talk about women, violence or violent acts (such as boxing, or fighting of some kind), etc.
With this in mind, I feel unsure of how to proceed with socializing with this co-worker after work...???
I really feel like I have absolutely no idea how to socialize with a male, despite being male as well. For the last, I don't know, 15 years maybe I've had limited social contact with males, other than at work or school. The reason for this is simple: females are usually far more accepting than males of my Asperger's (i.e., awkward social skills, OCD issues, etc.). For the last 10 years the only male I have spent any significant amount of time with is a retired professor who's about 35 years older than me.
This co-worker is in my own age group (late mid-20s, early 30s). What does a nerotypical male in his mid-20s to early 30s like to do to socialize?
I like to discuss books, political economy, etc., and this consists about 99% of all the socializing I do. I am currently reading an anthropological study on the origins of the Baloch people and about Namibia's 23-year-long struggle for independence from South Africa.
This co-worker of mine is from Sierra Leone, so I thought I'd ask him about his thoughts on Cartwright's study on the political system in Sierra Leone between 1947-67. He didn't seem interested in this line of conversation.
What I don't do and am not comfortable with is the consumption of alcoholic beverages, sports, bars, 'clubs', anywhere where there are women doing sexually provocative acts, any misogynistic or 'locker room' talk about women, violence or violent acts (such as boxing, or fighting of some kind), etc.
With this in mind, I feel unsure of how to proceed with socializing with this co-worker after work...???
I think you are asking all the right questions; gaining male friends is a good idea, so good on you. Even though this is an article about men in couples, it is fundamentally about male friendship rather than relying on women’s emotional labor pool.
Consider that this is almost certainly not true:
The reason for this is simple: females are usually far more accepting than males of my Asperger's
You’re a thoughtful guy, so consider that this may be due to certain misogynistic ways in which women (not “females”) are socialized.
I like to discuss books, political economy, etc., and this consists about 99% of all the socializing I do.
Socializing is a two-way street, yes, but maybe hold off on relaying any theses until you’re with someone whom you know shares these interests AND wants to hear about your research.
You probably think that small talk is a waste of time. That’s not an outrageous opinion, but everyone does things they consider wastes of time sometimes. For most people, small talk is social currency. Cultivate it as a skill.
posted by supercres at 4:25 PM on May 5, 2019 [16 favorites]
Consider that this is almost certainly not true:
The reason for this is simple: females are usually far more accepting than males of my Asperger's
You’re a thoughtful guy, so consider that this may be due to certain misogynistic ways in which women (not “females”) are socialized.
I like to discuss books, political economy, etc., and this consists about 99% of all the socializing I do.
Socializing is a two-way street, yes, but maybe hold off on relaying any theses until you’re with someone whom you know shares these interests AND wants to hear about your research.
You probably think that small talk is a waste of time. That’s not an outrageous opinion, but everyone does things they consider wastes of time sometimes. For most people, small talk is social currency. Cultivate it as a skill.
posted by supercres at 4:25 PM on May 5, 2019 [16 favorites]
Like if I personally were, right now, trying to befriend a dude I didn't know well, and for whatever reason I didn't want to ask him what he wanted to do, I'd probably ask these things in this order:
- Have you seen Endgame yet? (if no, go see Endgame then talk about it at a coffee shop/diner afterward. if yes, continue)
- Do you want to watch Game of Thrones on Sunday? (if yes, great. if no, continue)
- Do you want to go to this board game cafe? (if yes, great. if no, continue)
- Have you seen [cool exhibit at local museum]? (if he hasn't but is interested, great. if he has, continue)
and so on. These are all nice because they'll give you something to chat about afterward and/or the next time you see each other in the office.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:26 PM on May 5, 2019 [10 favorites]
- Have you seen Endgame yet? (if no, go see Endgame then talk about it at a coffee shop/diner afterward. if yes, continue)
- Do you want to watch Game of Thrones on Sunday? (if yes, great. if no, continue)
- Do you want to go to this board game cafe? (if yes, great. if no, continue)
- Have you seen [cool exhibit at local museum]? (if he hasn't but is interested, great. if he has, continue)
and so on. These are all nice because they'll give you something to chat about afterward and/or the next time you see each other in the office.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:26 PM on May 5, 2019 [10 favorites]
The guys I know like to meet up for a drink (whether that’s a beer or a coffee—just going somewhere you can stand around or sit and chat), and then walk around chatting. Not talking about big intellectual topics but more everyday things (like telling stories about families, complaining about roommates, remarking on how dating is going, discussing sports, or general political talk).
He’s probably expecting you to want to grab a beer after work. Because you don’t drink alcohol, pick a place that has some food too and you can grab dinner or a snack. The food or drink is just an excuse to be in a neutral place that’s not the office and not home, where you can just hang out. You can ask if he watches a particular sport and pick a place that shows that sport on the tv.
posted by sallybrown at 4:30 PM on May 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
He’s probably expecting you to want to grab a beer after work. Because you don’t drink alcohol, pick a place that has some food too and you can grab dinner or a snack. The food or drink is just an excuse to be in a neutral place that’s not the office and not home, where you can just hang out. You can ask if he watches a particular sport and pick a place that shows that sport on the tv.
posted by sallybrown at 4:30 PM on May 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Things I do with my male friends that I've made at work:
- Go to the movies (ask them if there's a movie they are into)
- Go ten pin bowling (I like bowling though I'm not especially good at it!)
- Go to a stand up comedian or see a show
- Do a social activity with some of their friends, maybe board games or something
- Attend a sporting event for a sport I enjoy like tennis for EG.
The critical thing is you pick something that everyone is interested in, the best way of doing this is asking. Best of luck! I have made some very good work friends that have crossed into being friend-friends this way.
posted by smoke at 4:37 PM on May 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
- Go to the movies (ask them if there's a movie they are into)
- Go ten pin bowling (I like bowling though I'm not especially good at it!)
- Go to a stand up comedian or see a show
- Do a social activity with some of their friends, maybe board games or something
- Attend a sporting event for a sport I enjoy like tennis for EG.
The critical thing is you pick something that everyone is interested in, the best way of doing this is asking. Best of luck! I have made some very good work friends that have crossed into being friend-friends this way.
posted by smoke at 4:37 PM on May 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have a friend who's long had knack for connecting with almost anybody. Two things he's said that come to mind:
1. sometimes you've got to pretend you're a talk show host; in other words, ask questions and don't be afraid to go with the flow from there. If you hit a dead end, ask another question.
2. one of his favorite questions is "what kind of car do you drive?". Lots of people are passionate about their cars, so that can instantly go places. But what if they don't own a car? What if they don't even drive? Well, ask them why, and again, don't be afraid to go with the flow from there ...
posted by philip-random at 4:43 PM on May 5, 2019 [8 favorites]
1. sometimes you've got to pretend you're a talk show host; in other words, ask questions and don't be afraid to go with the flow from there. If you hit a dead end, ask another question.
2. one of his favorite questions is "what kind of car do you drive?". Lots of people are passionate about their cars, so that can instantly go places. But what if they don't own a car? What if they don't even drive? Well, ask them why, and again, don't be afraid to go with the flow from there ...
posted by philip-random at 4:43 PM on May 5, 2019 [8 favorites]
I am not a guy, but I am married to one and he is not a drinker or strip club kind of guy. He is a board game kind of guy or go to a great movie or listen to some music or watch sports kinda guy. You seem like the kind of guy who might like board game meetups (they attract a lot of non neurotypical types and being kinda nerdy is a feature not a bug).
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:43 PM on May 5, 2019
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:43 PM on May 5, 2019
This co-worker of mine is from Sierra Leone, so I thought I'd ask him about his thoughts on Cartwright's study on the political system in Sierra Leone between 1947-67. He didn't seem interested in this line of conversation.
I'm pretty sure you're laughing at yourself, but this also brings up a valuable strategy when socialising: ask people questions they can definitely answer and will probably want to answer. The questions most people like answering is some form of question about themselves and their interests. Which brings me to my answer to your question: it's best to ask him. Something like "we should organise something after work. Is there anything interesting you've been meaning to get out and do?"
Also, as one NNT person to another, hang onto the idea that the brains and interests of people who are neurotypical for our society are just as diverse as those of those who aren't. Try to focus on what you like about your colleague specifically. He makes you laugh. Does he like comedy? Can he recommend some acts/shows that match his sense of humour? Most people really want to share the things they love, although they're often shy. This, if they're cool people, is great, because you just to have to ask plenty of polite questions and show your genuine interest and you are rewarded with lots of interesting and fun new knowledge.
posted by howfar at 4:52 PM on May 5, 2019 [12 favorites]
I'm pretty sure you're laughing at yourself, but this also brings up a valuable strategy when socialising: ask people questions they can definitely answer and will probably want to answer. The questions most people like answering is some form of question about themselves and their interests. Which brings me to my answer to your question: it's best to ask him. Something like "we should organise something after work. Is there anything interesting you've been meaning to get out and do?"
Also, as one NNT person to another, hang onto the idea that the brains and interests of people who are neurotypical for our society are just as diverse as those of those who aren't. Try to focus on what you like about your colleague specifically. He makes you laugh. Does he like comedy? Can he recommend some acts/shows that match his sense of humour? Most people really want to share the things they love, although they're often shy. This, if they're cool people, is great, because you just to have to ask plenty of polite questions and show your genuine interest and you are rewarded with lots of interesting and fun new knowledge.
posted by howfar at 4:52 PM on May 5, 2019 [12 favorites]
This is where small talk comes in! Ask questions like "How was your weekend?" "What do you do for fun?" With luck these will turn into conversations where you both share things you like to do or are interested in. From there you can figure out where your interests overlap and what things you might both enjoy doing.
posted by bunderful at 4:58 PM on May 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 4:58 PM on May 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
Coffee shop and small talk. Small talk might lead to medium talk, which might lead to deep talk.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:14 PM on May 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:14 PM on May 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think that some of these suggestions might not fit the skill set you’ve outlined.
There is a subreddit for women with asperger’s (r/aspergirls) that I think might be helpful to you. It is apparently a lot more friendly and positive than the male-dominated Asperger’s subreddit, and there will often be threads about how to socialize or make friends. Usually the advice revolves around finding a common interest, but there are often asperger’s specific tips, and women with asperger’s have often had to develop much more advanced masking techniques and social skills. I’d encourage you to post there with this question — I think that you will be welcome and you’ll find that people are happy to offer you their advice.
Other than that, I’d suggest socializing with this new person the same way you would socialize with someone you were more comfortable with (in this case, a woman). The advice about asking questions is also very good, though sometimes that requires more ability to read social cues than some people with asperger’s are comfortable with.
Just re-read your question: he makes you laugh! That’s the place to start. Humor is a shared interest you guys can have. What have you been doing when he’s made you laugh?
posted by schadenfrau at 8:05 PM on May 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
There is a subreddit for women with asperger’s (r/aspergirls) that I think might be helpful to you. It is apparently a lot more friendly and positive than the male-dominated Asperger’s subreddit, and there will often be threads about how to socialize or make friends. Usually the advice revolves around finding a common interest, but there are often asperger’s specific tips, and women with asperger’s have often had to develop much more advanced masking techniques and social skills. I’d encourage you to post there with this question — I think that you will be welcome and you’ll find that people are happy to offer you their advice.
Other than that, I’d suggest socializing with this new person the same way you would socialize with someone you were more comfortable with (in this case, a woman). The advice about asking questions is also very good, though sometimes that requires more ability to read social cues than some people with asperger’s are comfortable with.
Just re-read your question: he makes you laugh! That’s the place to start. Humor is a shared interest you guys can have. What have you been doing when he’s made you laugh?
posted by schadenfrau at 8:05 PM on May 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Do you know what kinds of things he enjoys?
Yes —> suggest a low key activity he might enjoy (and you won‘t mind) based on this. Low key means it doesn‘t cost much time (like, more than two hours) or money.
No —> Find out. Like, this is what small talk is for. You can be bold, like, „hey, are you into Avengers? No? So what do you like doing?“ And then a day later you can ask him if he wants to do X with you.
If your interests don‘t align, you can still ask if he wants to hang out at Starbucks at lunch or after work. But I feel that if small talk is not your strong suite them having a „coffee-and-chat“ thing may not be the best way for you to make friends.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:00 AM on May 6, 2019
Yes —> suggest a low key activity he might enjoy (and you won‘t mind) based on this. Low key means it doesn‘t cost much time (like, more than two hours) or money.
No —> Find out. Like, this is what small talk is for. You can be bold, like, „hey, are you into Avengers? No? So what do you like doing?“ And then a day later you can ask him if he wants to do X with you.
If your interests don‘t align, you can still ask if he wants to hang out at Starbucks at lunch or after work. But I feel that if small talk is not your strong suite them having a „coffee-and-chat“ thing may not be the best way for you to make friends.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:00 AM on May 6, 2019
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Men are people. Some things many people like include:
- book clubs
- going on hikes
- playing video games
- hanging out at coffee shops
- playing music
- listening to music
- playing board games
- exploring neighborhoods
- going to museums
- going to plays and movies
- binge-watching TV
- eating good food
- eight trillion other things
Given your interests, it seems like you should join a book club. You could look around to find one that skews more male, as many of 'em won't. These other things are things you could suggest to your coworker. Also you could just...ask him what he likes to do? He probably won't jump straight to "strip club".
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:20 PM on May 5, 2019 [12 favorites]