you say tomato, I say tomahto
May 30, 2018 10:56 PM Subscribe
Looking for recs of types of couples counseling. I understand some of the different types of individual therapy, but I'm a bit at a loss as to what options are available for couples to do together.
Last week my partner and I had a session with a Imago therapist, this was someone I had seen twice by myself and found to be really astute and helpful. The tone/approach was completely different with this session, I can't say that it was bad b/c I really don't know what to expect in these situation, but it felt....slow and intense. I noticed an older ask referred to it as 'quackery', I don't know if that's true (although I'd love to hear opinions one way or another). TBH I went into it on the strength of my previous experiences with the therapist. My partner had read the book 18 months ago when the therapist originally recommended it to us, I couldn't get through it, but decided finally to set aside my guilt and shame in that regard and to not let my inaction get in the way of us trying something as we're long overdue.
When my partner and I had had a few days to reflect, I asked him how he felt about it. He had 2 objections - he didn't buy the underlying premise (childhood situations informing adult relationships), he said that if we're going to be completely honest in these sessions, it's hard to not call out that you think the premise is flawed. Fair point. I actually think we both could live with that premise at least for a while, except that the therapist said some very suspect things I had never heard her say about how we essentially pick our partner due to how they smell. Sigh, I'm not going to deny the effect smell can have but to say 45 min that we had no control, it was all hormones - well that's a hard sell for 2 people whose relationship developed through an LDR and email and phone calls. But most importantly, he also felt there was a cruelty to it that another approach might avoid.
I respect his opinion and I want us both to be fully committed to whatever we choose. What I liked about the session was that it was focused on teaching us how to listen and talk to each other vs. an opportunity to just spew grievances at one another (as much as I really...wanted...to...spew...). We really do seem to have a fundamental communication problem and we need to solve that before/as part of working through the other issues. What I'm less sure about his objection to it being cruel. It didn't strike me as cruel per se, but it was f-ing painful, so I get why he's wondering if there isn't an gentler way of doing this. But I'm also having trouble envisioning a process that isn't going to involve some amount of pain and hurt as we wrestle with unresolved issues.
I thought trying to find an individual therapist was a daunting task, but this feels like even a taller mountain. In the interest of momentum and not getting discouraged/giving up like we have for years I'd love to have a few next actions in my book when I cancel our upcoming session. Metafites, you are the connoisseur of counseling, can you point me to other types of couples therapies that might be worth us exploring? We're approaching mid life and not religious if that helps. Also we live in a relatively small town/community so something reasonably standard is probably best for us, I can't imagine trying to do this over video. Thank you.
Last week my partner and I had a session with a Imago therapist, this was someone I had seen twice by myself and found to be really astute and helpful. The tone/approach was completely different with this session, I can't say that it was bad b/c I really don't know what to expect in these situation, but it felt....slow and intense. I noticed an older ask referred to it as 'quackery', I don't know if that's true (although I'd love to hear opinions one way or another). TBH I went into it on the strength of my previous experiences with the therapist. My partner had read the book 18 months ago when the therapist originally recommended it to us, I couldn't get through it, but decided finally to set aside my guilt and shame in that regard and to not let my inaction get in the way of us trying something as we're long overdue.
When my partner and I had had a few days to reflect, I asked him how he felt about it. He had 2 objections - he didn't buy the underlying premise (childhood situations informing adult relationships), he said that if we're going to be completely honest in these sessions, it's hard to not call out that you think the premise is flawed. Fair point. I actually think we both could live with that premise at least for a while, except that the therapist said some very suspect things I had never heard her say about how we essentially pick our partner due to how they smell. Sigh, I'm not going to deny the effect smell can have but to say 45 min that we had no control, it was all hormones - well that's a hard sell for 2 people whose relationship developed through an LDR and email and phone calls. But most importantly, he also felt there was a cruelty to it that another approach might avoid.
I respect his opinion and I want us both to be fully committed to whatever we choose. What I liked about the session was that it was focused on teaching us how to listen and talk to each other vs. an opportunity to just spew grievances at one another (as much as I really...wanted...to...spew...). We really do seem to have a fundamental communication problem and we need to solve that before/as part of working through the other issues. What I'm less sure about his objection to it being cruel. It didn't strike me as cruel per se, but it was f-ing painful, so I get why he's wondering if there isn't an gentler way of doing this. But I'm also having trouble envisioning a process that isn't going to involve some amount of pain and hurt as we wrestle with unresolved issues.
I thought trying to find an individual therapist was a daunting task, but this feels like even a taller mountain. In the interest of momentum and not getting discouraged/giving up like we have for years I'd love to have a few next actions in my book when I cancel our upcoming session. Metafites, you are the connoisseur of counseling, can you point me to other types of couples therapies that might be worth us exploring? We're approaching mid life and not religious if that helps. Also we live in a relatively small town/community so something reasonably standard is probably best for us, I can't imagine trying to do this over video. Thank you.
IME therapists who already have a long-standing relationship with one client don't want to do couples therapy with that client's partner because it won't necessarily be a "clean" or objective series of sessions. Trust has already been built between you and your therapist. Your husband is the newbie who isn't accustomed to the flow, process, etc. That puts him at a disadvantage. I think asking your therapist for a referral to a different therapist would be ideal in this scenario so you start together on more even ground. YMMV.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:29 PM on May 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:29 PM on May 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify the potential conflict of interest, I think we're ok in this front: I have seen her twice in 2 years. The last time (nearly a year ago), she said "i can see you or I can see your marriage, I don't think you and I will make much progress without addressing the marriage". So we don't really have much history to speak of (and now I don't think I would/could come back as an individual).
posted by snowymorninblues at 11:33 PM on May 30, 2018
posted by snowymorninblues at 11:33 PM on May 30, 2018
What worked for me was to go together to like 3-4-5 different people for trial sessions. I found they were all over the map and that the best ones often don't align with a single camp because they've been around for long enough to have developed their own approach. Talk about what you like and don't like. It's kind of a waste in one way, spending that money and time on trial sessions, but (a) it's a small cost to make sure that you're investing your longer-term time and money well, and (b) enduring meetings with quacks together can kind of be a bonding experience. I found far more variation in couples counselors' approaches than I did in just regular individual counseling, so I think meeting with a few is really helpful.
posted by salvia at 12:02 AM on May 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:02 AM on May 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
I agree with Salvia. I'm a therapist myself and while I have lots of training in various forms of couple's counseling (EFT, IFS, and some Imago) I don't align myself with a particular camp. Various pieces of many different modalities work well, depending on the people involved. There's a saying: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. People are so varied and people make up couples. A good therapist meets the couple and is able to be informed by their training and then pick and choose interventions that are likely to help with those specific people.
You're hiring someone to help with something very important. Why consider hiring someone for an important job without first doing an interview? Therapists should be willing to offer a free phone consul (up to 15 minutes) for you to ask questions. And even then, it's helpful to sit with someone for a session and see if you and your partner both feel like they will be helpful. Yes, there will be discomfort but if the first session is agonizingly painful, I'd move on and try someone else, particularly someone with various training and no steadfast alliance with one specific modality. You should both leave the session feeling "Yes. I think this person can help us."
posted by Plafield at 12:51 PM on May 31, 2018
You're hiring someone to help with something very important. Why consider hiring someone for an important job without first doing an interview? Therapists should be willing to offer a free phone consul (up to 15 minutes) for you to ask questions. And even then, it's helpful to sit with someone for a session and see if you and your partner both feel like they will be helpful. Yes, there will be discomfort but if the first session is agonizingly painful, I'd move on and try someone else, particularly someone with various training and no steadfast alliance with one specific modality. You should both leave the session feeling "Yes. I think this person can help us."
posted by Plafield at 12:51 PM on May 31, 2018
« Older So, how do I tell my professor that I was a bitch? | Fun, visual ways to give students a 1:4... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:06 PM on May 30, 2018