Do I tell or do I let it go?
December 15, 2014 6:54 PM Subscribe
My soon-to-be ex-wife is having a long-term affair with a married man. Should I tell his wife about it?
A year ago my wife and I decided to part ways for reasons unconnected with infidelity. Divorce proceedings are ongoing. I have later learned, based on incontrovertible evidence, that long before this she had been having an affair with a married man, which continues to this day.
I’ve never met his wife and don’t know her name. Neither do I know if she has an express or silent “arrangement” with her husband, although the secrecy surrounding the affair suggests that she is in the dark.
Should I contact the wife and tell her what I know?
A year ago my wife and I decided to part ways for reasons unconnected with infidelity. Divorce proceedings are ongoing. I have later learned, based on incontrovertible evidence, that long before this she had been having an affair with a married man, which continues to this day.
I’ve never met his wife and don’t know her name. Neither do I know if she has an express or silent “arrangement” with her husband, although the secrecy surrounding the affair suggests that she is in the dark.
Should I contact the wife and tell her what I know?
People have differing opinions on this subject. I can understand the argument to stay out of it, but when I personally was in a situation to reveal someone else's infidelity, my approach was to think about what I would want, if I were the victim of the infidelity in question - I would want to know. Therefore, I told the victim. However, it was important that I actually had the concrete evidence in hand that I could show them - especially since not knowing the victim very well, their first instinct was to question my story. It happened a long time ago, and I'm glad I did it… the victim is now happily married to someone else. But I did make sure I knew exactly what I was getting into before I spoke up - if there were children involved I might have acted differently.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:02 PM on December 15, 2014 [28 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:02 PM on December 15, 2014 [28 favorites]
I think that, in the situation you're in, it's probably easy to convince yourself that by informing the wife, you're being altruistic. The other wife needs to know, you tell yourself, so you will be the person who does what needs to be done.
Really, all you'd be doing is playing a game of gotcha with your soon-to-be ex; you'd be proving you're better than she is. You know she's doing something wrong, she knows she's doing something wrong, the married dude knows they're both doing something wrong. The only person who doesn't know, presumably, is the married dude's wife.
The only thing you could possibly gain from telling her is a sense of self-satisfaction at having done "the right thing." That comes at the risk, though, of devastating the married dude's wife. The potential of a happy ending for the married dude's wife is pretty slim at this point. Do you want to be the person who sets that in motion?
posted by mudpuppie at 7:05 PM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Really, all you'd be doing is playing a game of gotcha with your soon-to-be ex; you'd be proving you're better than she is. You know she's doing something wrong, she knows she's doing something wrong, the married dude knows they're both doing something wrong. The only person who doesn't know, presumably, is the married dude's wife.
The only thing you could possibly gain from telling her is a sense of self-satisfaction at having done "the right thing." That comes at the risk, though, of devastating the married dude's wife. The potential of a happy ending for the married dude's wife is pretty slim at this point. Do you want to be the person who sets that in motion?
posted by mudpuppie at 7:05 PM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Unless you can find her personal email address and send her a single email detailing what you know and why you are telling her in 5 paragraphs of so, then no. Not a Facebook message, not a letter. Just the email. If so then I think yes, spill it.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:06 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:06 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
What's the downside to letting it go?
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:07 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:07 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Based on what you've written: stay quiet. There's no one-size-fits-all answer for this situation, but frankly you appear to be coming from an angle that is merely seeking to upset your ex- - possibly at the expense of one or more random people you don't know.
Take the high road: don't do it.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:11 PM on December 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
Take the high road: don't do it.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:11 PM on December 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
I can think of multiple cases personally known to me where one partner found out about the other's infidelity and responded by committing suicide. Smart, successful, wealthy people just lost it. You never know how the spouse will react, so do try to stifle your lust for vengeance, however well disguised it may be as helpfulness. No good can come of it, and possibly serious harm.
posted by Atrahasis at 7:15 PM on December 15, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by Atrahasis at 7:15 PM on December 15, 2014 [14 favorites]
While it's a shitty thing to do on both of their parts, other people's relationships are Not.Your.Business.
posted by asockpuppet at 7:17 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by asockpuppet at 7:17 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
I'd want to know if I were the wife, and my instinct, if I were in your shoes, would be to tell her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:38 PM on December 15, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:38 PM on December 15, 2014 [17 favorites]
She's your soon to be ex-wife. You are in the process of disentangling her from your life. Consider her to be someone you used to know. She's from an earlier part of your personal history. Soon enough she'll be a stranger, or at least the equivalent of one, in that you'll have no emotional investment in her activities. And the man's a stranger. His wife is a stranger. Unless have a habit of sticking your nose in the affairs of old acquaintances and strangers and alerting them of their deceptions and self-delusions and how they're betraying each other, just stay out of it.
posted by Leontine at 7:40 PM on December 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by Leontine at 7:40 PM on December 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
I don't have a strong opinion on the tell or not tell, but I do have a strong opinion on the timing if you decide to tell. Wait until your divorce is final. Legal and closed in a neat package.
posted by 724A at 7:51 PM on December 15, 2014 [36 favorites]
posted by 724A at 7:51 PM on December 15, 2014 [36 favorites]
The best (likely) result of this plan is that you will have made two enemies. It'll probably be three. And why? Because it's unfair to some person you don't know? There's a lot of other people you don't know who have much worse things happening to them. Volunteer your time at a women's shelter or a soup kitchen or something.
posted by Etrigan at 7:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 7:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
The only thing you could possibly gain from telling her is a sense of self-satisfaction at having done "the right thing." That comes at the risk, though, of devastating the married dude's wife. The potential of a happy ending for the married dude's wife is pretty slim at this point. Do you want to be the person who sets that in motion?
I rather think it's the now-single woman and the other married dude who set the the devastating events in motion. It's happened, it's fact. Deciding for this woman that she shouldn't know isn't so obviously the right thing to do (given her spouse can't be trusted to tell her).
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [26 favorites]
I rather think it's the now-single woman and the other married dude who set the the devastating events in motion. It's happened, it's fact. Deciding for this woman that she shouldn't know isn't so obviously the right thing to do (given her spouse can't be trusted to tell her).
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [26 favorites]
The right thing is to tell, if you feel compelled. It does not matter whether your motives are altruistic, or if you derive a little bit a of pleasure from it (although you should try to mitigate this). If you feel there is good that can be done or further harm prevented, it should be considered. People will often say it's none of your business. This doesn't have anything to do with it, either, and simply isn't true. It's okay to intervene in situations in which others are knowingly being hurt, even if you don't have the purest of motives. If we always waited until we were purely altruistic, not only would we do little of value in the world, but that's also probably not how the world was meant to work (there's self-interest built into almost everything of value socially that happens).
That being said, you do need to consider your motives going into this. You need to try to do it without being intentional about hurting your ex, pushing that to the background if possible. If you feel some sense of "gotcha," this does not automatically default to not telling. But I would encourage you to search your own heart carefully and for your own good, approach it objectively and with as much care for the person being harmed as you can muster as the priority. (In truth, both parties are being harmed, because one person is married and the other is encouraging another person to violate their vows, which is bad for their own soul). Those who deny this kind of harm , I politely suggest, have a lack of imagination about how social relationships work on deep levels.
I'm not sure that this compels you to necessarily intervene, but if you feel that there's a harm to be prevented, please don't be discouraged by those who suggest we live on disconnected moral islands in which secrecy somehow magically prevents harm from occurring. It's often already happening, even before we know why.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:01 PM on December 15, 2014 [20 favorites]
That being said, you do need to consider your motives going into this. You need to try to do it without being intentional about hurting your ex, pushing that to the background if possible. If you feel some sense of "gotcha," this does not automatically default to not telling. But I would encourage you to search your own heart carefully and for your own good, approach it objectively and with as much care for the person being harmed as you can muster as the priority. (In truth, both parties are being harmed, because one person is married and the other is encouraging another person to violate their vows, which is bad for their own soul). Those who deny this kind of harm , I politely suggest, have a lack of imagination about how social relationships work on deep levels.
I'm not sure that this compels you to necessarily intervene, but if you feel that there's a harm to be prevented, please don't be discouraged by those who suggest we live on disconnected moral islands in which secrecy somehow magically prevents harm from occurring. It's often already happening, even before we know why.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:01 PM on December 15, 2014 [20 favorites]
I would look deeply into your soul and ask yourself whether you would feel the same if it were a coworker or your cousin or someone else who you were not in a longterm romantic relationship with. I don't believe that this has anything to do with your feelings about the ethics of infidelity. I believe it has everything to do with your feelings (positive or negative) about your ex-wife. Trust me when I say that it's far, far better to cleanly cut ties. The fact that you even know this is going on is troublesome. Just let it be and live your life without her occupying any space in your head. Go no-contact, except for legal reasons. You will feel much better when you're not meddling or dwelling.
posted by desjardins at 8:03 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:03 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
I told; nobody listened, it got me nothing, and it made me feel like a meddlesome creeper for a while afterwards.
Everything you do beyond making a clean slice is a waste of your time, at best.
posted by ftm at 8:09 PM on December 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Everything you do beyond making a clean slice is a waste of your time, at best.
posted by ftm at 8:09 PM on December 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
To me this would be a health question, the whole "you're sleeping with whoever your partner is sleeping with" thing (and who knows if Partner is unfaithful with only one person), so I would probably feel almost obligated to tell.
posted by worldswalker at 8:13 PM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by worldswalker at 8:13 PM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
I have later learned, based on incontrovertible evidence, that long before this she had been having an affair with a married man, which continues to this day.
Ask yourself this: If you had incontrovertible evidence that this affair had started after you had separated, would you still feel the impulse to tell this man's wife about it?
posted by Etrigan at 8:24 PM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
Ask yourself this: If you had incontrovertible evidence that this affair had started after you had separated, would you still feel the impulse to tell this man's wife about it?
posted by Etrigan at 8:24 PM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
I'm really not sure of your divorce situation, but in some cases your intervening may be interpreted as some sort of stalking by her legal defense depending on what's going on. Since only you know the legal situation between you and your ex that's something you need to discuss with your lawyer I guess.
If you don't have any proof to show, all your ex and this married man have to say to the wife is that you're just bitter and jealous due to the divorce and that's why you're saying this stuff. Unless she has other reasons to believe a stranger who has issues with his wife rather than her own husband, this isn't likely to go well for you. I would want to know if I were in her shoes, but how this plays out depends a lot on the type of woman she is and how much SHE really wants to know the truth.
posted by rancher at 8:27 PM on December 15, 2014
If you don't have any proof to show, all your ex and this married man have to say to the wife is that you're just bitter and jealous due to the divorce and that's why you're saying this stuff. Unless she has other reasons to believe a stranger who has issues with his wife rather than her own husband, this isn't likely to go well for you. I would want to know if I were in her shoes, but how this plays out depends a lot on the type of woman she is and how much SHE really wants to know the truth.
posted by rancher at 8:27 PM on December 15, 2014
Also, you should really tell your lawyer if you're going to do this, because god knows what kind of weird effects it could have on your settlement negotiations and in court. (Spoiler alert: your lawyer will tell you not to do this.)
posted by desjardins at 8:33 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:33 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
I'm going to go with the "the only person you should tell is your lawyer" contingent. You have no idea what kind of ugly stuff might be set in motion by telling your wife's boyfriend's wife. As mentioned upthread, suicide and accusations that you're vengeful are two possibilities. Right now, you need to put all your energy towards taking care of yourself legally, financially, and emotionally -- not taking care of or meddling with someone you don't even know.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 8:48 PM on December 15, 2014
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 8:48 PM on December 15, 2014
There can be no other motivation here than to get back at your ex-wife. It is not as if you found this information and therefore would be obligated to tell your friend that his wife was having an affair.
So keep silent and move on.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:02 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
So keep silent and move on.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:02 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Look, dude, you clearly want revenge. You're pissed and wronged.
Really, seriously search your soul about this. You will eventually have to let this hurt and anger go. You will eventually have to forgive everyone involved, including her. And yourself.
It really, really may not feel like it right now, but taking the high road and acting with integrity now will make you so much more proud of yourself and at peace with yourself when you're 80 and have lived a long and full life.
Wait a while. Achieve zen. Focus on peace. Really breathe. Go to therapy. Center your heart.
In two months if you get a nagging feeling of pity and sympathy for the wife, a mild panging "poor thing, she doesn't know" then do it kindly and as damned elegantly and Mr. Rogers ish as you can.
DO NOT do this while you feel ANY vindictive glee, a sense of crusading, a sense of haughty justice, or anything remotely similar.
Gentle pangs for the wife MUST be your ONLY emotional motivation.
Don't lie to yourself either.
posted by quincunx at 9:03 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
Really, seriously search your soul about this. You will eventually have to let this hurt and anger go. You will eventually have to forgive everyone involved, including her. And yourself.
It really, really may not feel like it right now, but taking the high road and acting with integrity now will make you so much more proud of yourself and at peace with yourself when you're 80 and have lived a long and full life.
Wait a while. Achieve zen. Focus on peace. Really breathe. Go to therapy. Center your heart.
In two months if you get a nagging feeling of pity and sympathy for the wife, a mild panging "poor thing, she doesn't know" then do it kindly and as damned elegantly and Mr. Rogers ish as you can.
DO NOT do this while you feel ANY vindictive glee, a sense of crusading, a sense of haughty justice, or anything remotely similar.
Gentle pangs for the wife MUST be your ONLY emotional motivation.
Don't lie to yourself either.
posted by quincunx at 9:03 PM on December 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
I think you've been given good advice about evaluating your own motivations for doing this, and the temptation of/problem with doing it as revenge.
Some things to consider about the well-being of the soon-to-be-ex's paramour's wife, assuming that's the only motivation left:
* revealing the information yourself takes away the cheating husband's chance to come clean on his own, which might make a big difference in how she ends up feeling and how things shake out
* on the other hand, if the affair started "long before" now, then maybe he's not going to come clean
* but... your divorce is already pretty likely to set in motion some changes for the affair; this is the kind of event that is going to cause everyone in this mess to re-evaluate what they're doing, what they really want, and how likely their current course of action is to get them there.
This is may be yet another reason why it might make sense to wait. And wait until a while after the divorce is final just to see if anything changes on its own.
posted by weston at 9:16 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Some things to consider about the well-being of the soon-to-be-ex's paramour's wife, assuming that's the only motivation left:
* revealing the information yourself takes away the cheating husband's chance to come clean on his own, which might make a big difference in how she ends up feeling and how things shake out
* on the other hand, if the affair started "long before" now, then maybe he's not going to come clean
* but... your divorce is already pretty likely to set in motion some changes for the affair; this is the kind of event that is going to cause everyone in this mess to re-evaluate what they're doing, what they really want, and how likely their current course of action is to get them there.
This is may be yet another reason why it might make sense to wait. And wait until a while after the divorce is final just to see if anything changes on its own.
posted by weston at 9:16 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
For the good of your own soul, I recommend that you don't tell. The element of revenge is bad for you.
If you are thinking about ethics, consider the utilitarian angle. What if as a result of your telling, some violent or otherwise awful act is committed in that relationship you meddled in? How will you feel then? How likely is it that the sum of human happiness will be increased by your intervention? Not very, I submit.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:11 PM on December 15, 2014
If you are thinking about ethics, consider the utilitarian angle. What if as a result of your telling, some violent or otherwise awful act is committed in that relationship you meddled in? How will you feel then? How likely is it that the sum of human happiness will be increased by your intervention? Not very, I submit.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:11 PM on December 15, 2014
No no no no no.
Tell your lawyer. Don't involve yourself in your soon-to-be-ex's mess.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Tell your lawyer. Don't involve yourself in your soon-to-be-ex's mess.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:57 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would, once, and then I would let it go. I absolutely refuse to do anything that protects other people in their dishonesty.
I was once made aware of my uncle-by-marriage repeatedly cheating on my aunt with numerous people. They aren't much older than I, and it was very obvious in our small town circle.
I let her know, and let it go. Not my circus, not my donkey - but she at least deserved to know that she was unwittingly one of the clowns.
posted by stormyteal at 12:16 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
I was once made aware of my uncle-by-marriage repeatedly cheating on my aunt with numerous people. They aren't much older than I, and it was very obvious in our small town circle.
I let her know, and let it go. Not my circus, not my donkey - but she at least deserved to know that she was unwittingly one of the clowns.
posted by stormyteal at 12:16 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Yes.
posted by violetk at 1:32 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by violetk at 1:32 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
That you post anonymously shows you know it's not your business to tell the wife. Seeking validation from Internet strangers is not going to help as each one of us will merely tell you what he/she would do in your stead. Hence the conflicting replies: tell - don't tell.
I wouldn't tell, nor care, if my estranged wife or my neighbour was having an affair. But that's me. So may I suggest you take your own decision? None of us has to live with the consequences, really.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:24 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't tell, nor care, if my estranged wife or my neighbour was having an affair. But that's me. So may I suggest you take your own decision? None of us has to live with the consequences, really.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:24 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think there are a few factors here:
1. You feel some desire or obligation to let her know. That's valid. I'd sure want someone to tell me, but it sounds like you don't know her and don't know what's going on in her life or how she'll react. Are you minding your own business by not telling, or are you contributing to a bad situation by not saying anything? You don't know.
2. You're in the midst of a divorce. Telling could make it a huge mess. Here I would start by talking to your lawyer, who has seen more weird breakups than you can probably imagine. I think at least until the divorce is finalized you should do what your lawyer says.
3. After that point, though... Is there a way to press your ex and her new partner to tell? Perhaps to say, "hey, this situation really bothers me, and if you don't tell her in the next two weeks I will"?
posted by bile and syntax at 4:23 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
1. You feel some desire or obligation to let her know. That's valid. I'd sure want someone to tell me, but it sounds like you don't know her and don't know what's going on in her life or how she'll react. Are you minding your own business by not telling, or are you contributing to a bad situation by not saying anything? You don't know.
2. You're in the midst of a divorce. Telling could make it a huge mess. Here I would start by talking to your lawyer, who has seen more weird breakups than you can probably imagine. I think at least until the divorce is finalized you should do what your lawyer says.
3. After that point, though... Is there a way to press your ex and her new partner to tell? Perhaps to say, "hey, this situation really bothers me, and if you don't tell her in the next two weeks I will"?
posted by bile and syntax at 4:23 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yes of course you should let her know. I wouldn't put it in writing, though, unless you can be anonymous.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 4:25 AM on December 16, 2014
posted by lakersfan1222 at 4:25 AM on December 16, 2014
My first instinct is to say, stay out of it. You have NO idea what's going on in the marriage of your ex-wife's paramour. Yes, the wronged wife of the married man is at some risk, but in all likelihood the only risk is to her marriage.
No matter what, this is going to end badly. Why involve yourself in it at all?
If you feel that the wife is at some kind of danger, tell your lawyer and have him/her send a letter or whatever is recommended.
But really, stay out of it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:42 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
No matter what, this is going to end badly. Why involve yourself in it at all?
If you feel that the wife is at some kind of danger, tell your lawyer and have him/her send a letter or whatever is recommended.
But really, stay out of it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:42 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think you should tell her.
But, I would talk to my lawyer first - and make sure you are not doing anything that will hurt you legally in the divorce.
posted by Flood at 5:27 AM on December 16, 2014
But, I would talk to my lawyer first - and make sure you are not doing anything that will hurt you legally in the divorce.
posted by Flood at 5:27 AM on December 16, 2014
You said you don't know the dude's wife and you don't know if she knows about it or even is okay with it. As near as I can tell what you know about the secrecy is on your soon-to-be-ex's part; I don't know how you can know for a fact that the affair was also a secret from the dude's wife. (Was it probably? Of course, but you don't know.)
I do agree you should tell your lawyer. You've been making arrangements to divorce, and this information casts new light on those arrangements. But the information you have suggests to me that telling this dude's wife is not a good idea. There's considerable risk and a questionable benefit.
posted by Gelatin at 6:20 AM on December 16, 2014
I do agree you should tell your lawyer. You've been making arrangements to divorce, and this information casts new light on those arrangements. But the information you have suggests to me that telling this dude's wife is not a good idea. There's considerable risk and a questionable benefit.
posted by Gelatin at 6:20 AM on December 16, 2014
You don't know the woman, OP, so it's none of your business. You'll regret getting involved. Just shrug it off.
posted by starbreaker at 6:33 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by starbreaker at 6:33 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
From a public health point of view, you should tell her.
It's not about being mean, or hurting her husband, or hurting your soon-to-be-ex-wife, it's about this lady's risk for STDs. I would be pissed if someone I knew knew my partner was having an affair and decided to keep it secret for some reason and let me risk my own health. I would just tell her and let her do what she wants with the information.
But yes talk to your lawyer first.
posted by rozaine at 7:40 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's not about being mean, or hurting her husband, or hurting your soon-to-be-ex-wife, it's about this lady's risk for STDs. I would be pissed if someone I knew knew my partner was having an affair and decided to keep it secret for some reason and let me risk my own health. I would just tell her and let her do what she wants with the information.
But yes talk to your lawyer first.
posted by rozaine at 7:40 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
As someone who was cheated on and told about it by a third party, I agree with those who say yes, you should tell her. Not for revenge or to make yourself feel better but because her sexual health has been compromised and she deserves to know that.
On preview, what rozaine said.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:12 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
On preview, what rozaine said.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:12 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
You should tell her. You didn't do anything wrong and you aren't creating anything wrong by telling her what is already going on.
You might regret getting involved and wish you hadn't told her, but I still think the right thing to do is to tell her. I would want to know if it were me. Without question I would absolutely want to know.
I've also been in a very similar situation to this with a man I was involved with. After I stopped seeing him, mostly because I kept catching him lying and suspected him of cheating on me, I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was seeing me. He was cheating on his girlfriend with me. For months. And initiating booty calls after the fact. And I didn't know her but I did have her email address and I went back and forth on whether to tell her for the same reasons you are. And then one day after months of no contact with this man and ignoring his attempts to contact me I got another one of his special little emails. So I forwarded it to the girlfriend and wrote an email just stating all the facts, saying look, here is what happened, he continues to contact me inappropriately, I am telling you because if it were me I would want to know and here are the dates we were sleeping together and so on. She did not take it well. She lost her temper. She called me names. She demanded "proof" but then any proof I could give her she deemed fake. She accused ME of lying and fabricating the whole thing in an attempt to destroy her perfect relationship with her boyfriend, because apparently he would never, ever, ever cheat on her.
I still think telling her was the right thing to do and I think she is a complete moron because he is such a bad liar but in retrospect I would have planned it out a little better than sending a quick email during a very busy week. I was not prepared to deal with the response and fury she laid on me. But I do think you should tell her.
posted by Polychrome at 8:27 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
You might regret getting involved and wish you hadn't told her, but I still think the right thing to do is to tell her. I would want to know if it were me. Without question I would absolutely want to know.
I've also been in a very similar situation to this with a man I was involved with. After I stopped seeing him, mostly because I kept catching him lying and suspected him of cheating on me, I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was seeing me. He was cheating on his girlfriend with me. For months. And initiating booty calls after the fact. And I didn't know her but I did have her email address and I went back and forth on whether to tell her for the same reasons you are. And then one day after months of no contact with this man and ignoring his attempts to contact me I got another one of his special little emails. So I forwarded it to the girlfriend and wrote an email just stating all the facts, saying look, here is what happened, he continues to contact me inappropriately, I am telling you because if it were me I would want to know and here are the dates we were sleeping together and so on. She did not take it well. She lost her temper. She called me names. She demanded "proof" but then any proof I could give her she deemed fake. She accused ME of lying and fabricating the whole thing in an attempt to destroy her perfect relationship with her boyfriend, because apparently he would never, ever, ever cheat on her.
I still think telling her was the right thing to do and I think she is a complete moron because he is such a bad liar but in retrospect I would have planned it out a little better than sending a quick email during a very busy week. I was not prepared to deal with the response and fury she laid on me. But I do think you should tell her.
posted by Polychrome at 8:27 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think everyone would want to know if they are being cheated on, BUT I think you should only be the messenger if you are acquainted with the person being cheated on.
And don't worry, karma usually finds a way to fill the cheater's lives with drama, embarrassment, and heartache while onlookers roll their eyes.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:00 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
And don't worry, karma usually finds a way to fill the cheater's lives with drama, embarrassment, and heartache while onlookers roll their eyes.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:00 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
I maintain a strict policy of staying out of other people's relationships. It has saved my sanity, preserved friendships, and ensured that I don't get a reputation as a vindictive busybody.
I strongly suggest you adopt the same policy. To borrow a phrase: Let it go.
posted by MissySedai at 9:02 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
I strongly suggest you adopt the same policy. To borrow a phrase: Let it go.
posted by MissySedai at 9:02 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
A couple years back a friend of mine discovered her husband of a decade and a half had been sleeping around for years; with friends of hers, other women in her social circle, married women, you name it. She didn't hear most of the stories until after the separation, apparently because other people figured it was Not Their Problem. She certainly wishes that someone who had known, be it friend or stranger, had told her long ago. Now not only does she feel betrayed by her husband, but she feels stupid that everyone knew this but her. As a bonus, he brought home herpes and then tried to blame her for it.
You may be the only one who knows about this affair. Maybe not. You have proof. I think your wife's lover's wife would like to see it.
Also, imagine if the tables were turned, and you found out about your wife's affair from the guy's wife. Would you be thankful she didn't keep it to herself, or wish you're never heard?
Yes, there's the complication that this can be seen as vindictiveness. But if you keep the secret, you're making yourself complicit in the same adultery that hurt your own marriage. I think the wife's right to know trumps the husband's right to cheat.
But I agree with everyone who says to consult your lawyer first. You don't want to do anything that will make your divorce more difficult to complete.
posted by ejs at 12:50 PM on December 16, 2014 [12 favorites]
You may be the only one who knows about this affair. Maybe not. You have proof. I think your wife's lover's wife would like to see it.
Also, imagine if the tables were turned, and you found out about your wife's affair from the guy's wife. Would you be thankful she didn't keep it to herself, or wish you're never heard?
Yes, there's the complication that this can be seen as vindictiveness. But if you keep the secret, you're making yourself complicit in the same adultery that hurt your own marriage. I think the wife's right to know trumps the husband's right to cheat.
But I agree with everyone who says to consult your lawyer first. You don't want to do anything that will make your divorce more difficult to complete.
posted by ejs at 12:50 PM on December 16, 2014 [12 favorites]
Regardless of intent, this guy made you involved in his marriage, right or wrong, by cheating with your wife.
Not telling the wife is not "taking the high road". It's putting your head in the sand.
posted by PsuDab93 at 10:10 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
Not telling the wife is not "taking the high road". It's putting your head in the sand.
posted by PsuDab93 at 10:10 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:55 PM on December 15, 2014 [14 favorites]