How to quit my au pair job gracefully
November 15, 2014 8:11 AM Subscribe
There are some things that bother me about my host family and living conditions. I have started looking for a new job already (that may require me to take a day off for an interview) and would like to give proper notice without making things unbearable for everyone involved. Help, please?
First of all, the things that bother me:
From the start, I wasn't really happy with the room I got. It has a bed and an old desk with an uncomfortable chair, as well as a sink and a bit of storage space. It's also next to the garage and the door doesn't close properly, there is no lock and the window doesn't close 100% either, so it gets pretty cold. (I only have a portable heater, no central heating here.) The WLan often doesn't reach down here either, so I have trouble skyping. The father bought an extension after about 6 weeks of my skyping in the kitchen at night with no privacy, but even that doesn't work all the times. I also miss being able to have a real private conversation, because even when I'm in my room, you can hear everything outside due to the door not closing all the way. Luckily, my boyfriend and I speak Japanese together, so they can't understand me, but they can tell if I'm crying, for example.
Also, when the children heard me speak Japanese once, they made pseudo-Asian noises and pulled their eyes to slits. I asked the mother to explain to them that it's really not cool to do that, but she just asked me what bothered me. The father also made a racist joke the other night. (I feel like there's a lot of casual racism here in France.)
The children are also a lot of work. I have worked with children before for several years, and I have never had so much yelling, crying and not obeying as with these. Just yesterday, the girl told me she hates me and wants me to go home - simply because I made her lower the volume of her music and told her that no, she cannot just stay at home from school for no reason. (I know that children aren't always easy, but these are never not hard to deal with.) When I told this to the mother, she just scolded her daughter a bit and that was it. No one made her apologise to me or attempt to punish her. No one explains things to the kids. It's usually just yelling - no wonder they yell as well.
The parents treat me fairly apart from that, I would say. The room sucks (and they have nicer empty rooms upstairs, but say they can't do anything about my living situation), and sometimes it's annoying when the father tells me to clean up instead of waiting for him to eat, then makes a mess in the kitchen afterwards and the mother then scolds me for the dirty kitchen. I also had to remind the father to pay me every month, and the first time, he even gave me a kind of "what do you want?" look when I inquired about my payment.
I do get time off when I ask for it, though, so that's definitely nice. On the other hand, I have also never said no to any request from them. I make sausage for dinner, like they ask me to even though they told me before I came here they don't eat meat at home. (I'm a vegetarian.)
My question is: If I want to quit, how can I do so gracefully? I want them to be able to find someone new, so I'd try to give as much notice as I can. The problem is, if one of the job applications I sent out is successful, I may have to ask them for a day off to fly out for an interview. I am sure they will be mad that I'm quitting for a new job instead of staying for the agree ten months, but in truth, I am kind of looking for new jobs because this one doesn't really work out. (If you know my Ask Me history, please don't think I'm a quitter!) I will probably have to keep living for them for a few weeks even after handing in my notice, and I don't want to make things super uncomfortable. I also don't want to take the whole blame for this situation, though. It's not my fault I don't find casual racism and freezing my ass off charming.
Can anyone help me out here, please?
First of all, the things that bother me:
From the start, I wasn't really happy with the room I got. It has a bed and an old desk with an uncomfortable chair, as well as a sink and a bit of storage space. It's also next to the garage and the door doesn't close properly, there is no lock and the window doesn't close 100% either, so it gets pretty cold. (I only have a portable heater, no central heating here.) The WLan often doesn't reach down here either, so I have trouble skyping. The father bought an extension after about 6 weeks of my skyping in the kitchen at night with no privacy, but even that doesn't work all the times. I also miss being able to have a real private conversation, because even when I'm in my room, you can hear everything outside due to the door not closing all the way. Luckily, my boyfriend and I speak Japanese together, so they can't understand me, but they can tell if I'm crying, for example.
Also, when the children heard me speak Japanese once, they made pseudo-Asian noises and pulled their eyes to slits. I asked the mother to explain to them that it's really not cool to do that, but she just asked me what bothered me. The father also made a racist joke the other night. (I feel like there's a lot of casual racism here in France.)
The children are also a lot of work. I have worked with children before for several years, and I have never had so much yelling, crying and not obeying as with these. Just yesterday, the girl told me she hates me and wants me to go home - simply because I made her lower the volume of her music and told her that no, she cannot just stay at home from school for no reason. (I know that children aren't always easy, but these are never not hard to deal with.) When I told this to the mother, she just scolded her daughter a bit and that was it. No one made her apologise to me or attempt to punish her. No one explains things to the kids. It's usually just yelling - no wonder they yell as well.
The parents treat me fairly apart from that, I would say. The room sucks (and they have nicer empty rooms upstairs, but say they can't do anything about my living situation), and sometimes it's annoying when the father tells me to clean up instead of waiting for him to eat, then makes a mess in the kitchen afterwards and the mother then scolds me for the dirty kitchen. I also had to remind the father to pay me every month, and the first time, he even gave me a kind of "what do you want?" look when I inquired about my payment.
I do get time off when I ask for it, though, so that's definitely nice. On the other hand, I have also never said no to any request from them. I make sausage for dinner, like they ask me to even though they told me before I came here they don't eat meat at home. (I'm a vegetarian.)
My question is: If I want to quit, how can I do so gracefully? I want them to be able to find someone new, so I'd try to give as much notice as I can. The problem is, if one of the job applications I sent out is successful, I may have to ask them for a day off to fly out for an interview. I am sure they will be mad that I'm quitting for a new job instead of staying for the agree ten months, but in truth, I am kind of looking for new jobs because this one doesn't really work out. (If you know my Ask Me history, please don't think I'm a quitter!) I will probably have to keep living for them for a few weeks even after handing in my notice, and I don't want to make things super uncomfortable. I also don't want to take the whole blame for this situation, though. It's not my fault I don't find casual racism and freezing my ass off charming.
Can anyone help me out here, please?
Also: Lie about why you want the day off if you need to go to a job interview. Tell them you're meeting a friend or family member who's in the country unexpectedly.
posted by jaguar at 8:19 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 8:19 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, I forgot to mention that I am German, this is in France, no visa or agency involved and I could either find a new family easily or live back home for a bit.
Someone (father or one of the sons) just slammed the garage door so hard my window popped open...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:25 AM on November 15, 2014
Someone (father or one of the sons) just slammed the garage door so hard my window popped open...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:25 AM on November 15, 2014
Best answer: As an experienced au pair, I assume your services are in pretty high demand. If you're looking for a similar job, it seems likely that you will find one without much delay.
Can you arrange interviews over Skype? I hire internationally for jobs and I think this practice is becoming more and more common. Obviously, find someplace where you could access better wifi privately to do the interviews.
You probably have a pretty good idea of how employable you are - if you get one or more job offers, but actually would consider keeping the job you have, I would just tell the family that you aren't happy with the current living arrangements and you will plan to take a new job if things don't change. If they stuck to your current setup, it would be an easy transition to then announce you were taking a new position. If it were me, though, I'd forget about trying to negotiate with them and just move on.
I think your goal of leaving 'gracefully' is unrealistic with people like these. They sound unlikely to admit that they are racists, see the error of their ways, or suddenly start taking disciplining their kids and respecting you more seriously. Do you have a contract with them? Just give them the minimum notice allowed in your agreement and tell them you're sorry, but things just aren't working out. Yeah, they'll probably be angry because you're causing them an inconvenience and they don't understand what your problems are, but who cares? They don't sound like they're going to be a good reference either way.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:34 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Can you arrange interviews over Skype? I hire internationally for jobs and I think this practice is becoming more and more common. Obviously, find someplace where you could access better wifi privately to do the interviews.
You probably have a pretty good idea of how employable you are - if you get one or more job offers, but actually would consider keeping the job you have, I would just tell the family that you aren't happy with the current living arrangements and you will plan to take a new job if things don't change. If they stuck to your current setup, it would be an easy transition to then announce you were taking a new position. If it were me, though, I'd forget about trying to negotiate with them and just move on.
I think your goal of leaving 'gracefully' is unrealistic with people like these. They sound unlikely to admit that they are racists, see the error of their ways, or suddenly start taking disciplining their kids and respecting you more seriously. Do you have a contract with them? Just give them the minimum notice allowed in your agreement and tell them you're sorry, but things just aren't working out. Yeah, they'll probably be angry because you're causing them an inconvenience and they don't understand what your problems are, but who cares? They don't sound like they're going to be a good reference either way.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:34 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Given your issues with the children, it sounds like being an au pair is not for you... the things you've mentioned are pretty normal and well within the range of what an au pair should be able to handle. So just tell them that. If you are interested in staying, you could let them know that you will need changes to the accommodations in order to do so.
posted by metasarah at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Please don't feel guilty or worry overly much about their feelings and well-being in terms of your exit strategy. They aren't showing you the correct respect and care -- you are playing a very important role in their family, and they are treating you like a servant. That's not OK, and you are wise to be looking elsewhere.
Concentrate on finding a new arrangement that is healthier, happier, and mutually respectful. They have been unwilling to make simple adjustments to make you feel welcome, safe, and comfortable -- you've let them know what you need, and have given them a fair chance to do right, and they chose not to.
And the racial disrespect is 100% not-OK, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
Keep looking. You will find a family who will treat you well, and will respect the hard work that you do helping them raise their children. It's a valuable, honorable role, and should be treated as such.
Once you have that offer in hand, do what you can to give them notice, but if you can't give them any/much, that's OK. Keep in mind, too, that even if you do give notice, they might ask you to leave ASAP (they might line up a replacement quickly, and want you out), so be prepared for that. Do what is right for you.
I was an au pair in my youth, and I had to quit more than one crappy living situation. It's OK to do so.
posted by nacho fries at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
Concentrate on finding a new arrangement that is healthier, happier, and mutually respectful. They have been unwilling to make simple adjustments to make you feel welcome, safe, and comfortable -- you've let them know what you need, and have given them a fair chance to do right, and they chose not to.
And the racial disrespect is 100% not-OK, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
Keep looking. You will find a family who will treat you well, and will respect the hard work that you do helping them raise their children. It's a valuable, honorable role, and should be treated as such.
Once you have that offer in hand, do what you can to give them notice, but if you can't give them any/much, that's OK. Keep in mind, too, that even if you do give notice, they might ask you to leave ASAP (they might line up a replacement quickly, and want you out), so be prepared for that. Do what is right for you.
I was an au pair in my youth, and I had to quit more than one crappy living situation. It's OK to do so.
posted by nacho fries at 8:35 AM on November 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Honestly, given your description of the situation, I'd start packing my bags now (unless your contractual obligations prevent you from doing so). As a courtesy to them I'd give them a week's notice so they can plan around your absence, but otherwise ... it seems to me they are treating you shabbily and are not at all keeping their end of the bargain, and this is really not working out for you (it wouldn't for me either).
My advice: prepare for leaving (this includes alternative sleeping arrangements for the night after you tell them, just in case), offer to stay another week or two (you decide how long - tell them a definite end date), then go and continue living your life.
posted by miorita at 8:38 AM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
My advice: prepare for leaving (this includes alternative sleeping arrangements for the night after you tell them, just in case), offer to stay another week or two (you decide how long - tell them a definite end date), then go and continue living your life.
posted by miorita at 8:38 AM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
It looks like the relevant labor laws are here, and seem to require only one week's notice if you've been with the family for less than six months.
As treehorn+bunny wisely says, leaving "gracefully" will likely be impossible. I'd prioritize your own financial and emotional wellbeing, figure out what you'd like to do going forward and how much of this family you can take, and give minimal notice.
posted by jaguar at 8:39 AM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
As treehorn+bunny wisely says, leaving "gracefully" will likely be impossible. I'd prioritize your own financial and emotional wellbeing, figure out what you'd like to do going forward and how much of this family you can take, and give minimal notice.
posted by jaguar at 8:39 AM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Metasarah: You find it normal that parents yell at their children instead of explaining why they cannot just hit their sister until she has a bloody nose? I have worked with children before and usually, there would be explanations why something is not okay (and more than just "that's not cool") and appropriate punishments. A nice night in front of the TV does not seem like much punishment for disrespecting your caregiver. These parents undermine my standing with the children big time.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:43 AM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by LoonyLovegood at 8:43 AM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, get another job as soon as you can! These people know they're treating you badly, and they don't care. I wouldn't worry about quitting "gracefully", though, because considering their current and past behavior towards you, you're going to be lucky to get your last paycheck out of them. But if you insist: two weeks, maximum --- not one day more.
I would also recommend you get as much of your personal property as possible out of there now, because otherwise they're likely to fire you on the spot and tell you to leave immediately when you hand in your notice (and then they'll keep your stuff). Alternatively, they might hold you up as you're packing and claim various things aren't really yours, that stuff belongs to them and they just let you use it while in their employ. The point is, be prepared for more nastiness on their parts --- maybe it won't happen, but maybe it will, and it's better to have your stuff out of their reach ahead of time.
Note: if you got this current job through an agency, be sure to tell that agency just what the problems were --- especially about the cold room with the non-closing/non-locking door and window, as well as any other unacceptable features; maybe even take photos.
posted by easily confused at 8:44 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would also recommend you get as much of your personal property as possible out of there now, because otherwise they're likely to fire you on the spot and tell you to leave immediately when you hand in your notice (and then they'll keep your stuff). Alternatively, they might hold you up as you're packing and claim various things aren't really yours, that stuff belongs to them and they just let you use it while in their employ. The point is, be prepared for more nastiness on their parts --- maybe it won't happen, but maybe it will, and it's better to have your stuff out of their reach ahead of time.
Note: if you got this current job through an agency, be sure to tell that agency just what the problems were --- especially about the cold room with the non-closing/non-locking door and window, as well as any other unacceptable features; maybe even take photos.
posted by easily confused at 8:44 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Hey folks, just a reminder, AskMe isn't the place to get into a back-and-forth discussion or debate. LoonyLovegood, please just let folks answer; you can ignore the answers that are off-base and mark the ones you find most helpful. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:47 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:47 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
There isn't a graceful way to end a contract.
As an au pair just outside of Paris, the general consensus was that au pairs are cheap labor, given very basic quarters and a bit mistreated. Not excusing this, and it isn't always so, but generally accommodations aren't cushy and it is out of line to expect to be put in rooms with the family. Nor will anyone particularly care that you are cleaning up after them. Especially this family.
Honestly, not much of what you've listed sounds unusual, down to the yelling, so be more discerning if you are looking for another family. It doesn't sound much like you are prepared to manage children and stake your own authority when you are standing back and judging parenting though. From behind the scenes, it's pretty silly how we've romanticized the French for raising their kids "right". They're just parents.
You sound done. They will quickly fill the space with someone else. It's not uncommon at ALL. If you have funds, move on. Give them a weeks notice if you can.
posted by lawliet at 8:57 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
As an au pair just outside of Paris, the general consensus was that au pairs are cheap labor, given very basic quarters and a bit mistreated. Not excusing this, and it isn't always so, but generally accommodations aren't cushy and it is out of line to expect to be put in rooms with the family. Nor will anyone particularly care that you are cleaning up after them. Especially this family.
Honestly, not much of what you've listed sounds unusual, down to the yelling, so be more discerning if you are looking for another family. It doesn't sound much like you are prepared to manage children and stake your own authority when you are standing back and judging parenting though. From behind the scenes, it's pretty silly how we've romanticized the French for raising their kids "right". They're just parents.
You sound done. They will quickly fill the space with someone else. It's not uncommon at ALL. If you have funds, move on. Give them a weeks notice if you can.
posted by lawliet at 8:57 AM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Hmm. I disagree that this not working out means that you're not cut out for the job. I haven't been an aupair, but I have worked with a ton of kids. Like, sure, I could handle all of the things you've mentioned, but if I had other options, I probably wouldn't choose to stick around if the kids were constantly rude to each other and me and the parents didn't back me up. All kids have moments of rudeness or anger or unreasonableness and it's not a big deal, but if it's 24/7 like you're making it sound, it's super wearing and most kids are not like that.
This family doesn't seem to value you and that attitude is also rubbing off on the kids, as it will do. Move on and don't feel bad about it. I wouldn't depend on staying there after you turn in your notice, though. Or getting paid, if they were weird about paying you for the first time. I'd let them know the day after you get paid, personally. Then if they are really unreasonable about it, at least you got the last paycheck.
posted by geegollygosh at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2014 [14 favorites]
This family doesn't seem to value you and that attitude is also rubbing off on the kids, as it will do. Move on and don't feel bad about it. I wouldn't depend on staying there after you turn in your notice, though. Or getting paid, if they were weird about paying you for the first time. I'd let them know the day after you get paid, personally. Then if they are really unreasonable about it, at least you got the last paycheck.
posted by geegollygosh at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2014 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Given your update, I think you should go ahead and quit right away. It will lift a huge burden from your shoulders, and free up the energy to look for a better fit without feeling rushed or furtive about it. Go back to your family in Germany, dust yourself off, regroup, and take the lessons learned from this experience and use those to help you find a better situation.
I think one takeaway might be that you should insist (politely) that the next family show you your living quarters, and affirm that you'll have privacy and a decent internet connection, before you accept their offer.
Top-notch au pairs are in demand, so you should feel free to really advocate for yourself. It's in everyone's best interest -- the parents, the kids, you.
Also, please don't lie to your current employer. It diminishes you as a person; you would be lowering yourself just to avoid conflict. Truthful conflict is much better -- it sets everyone free, and has a ripple effect (your ethical conduct sets a good example for the parents -- not that it's your job to "grow up" other adults, but it's a nice side effect of doing the right thing). Lying should be reserved for only desperate-times self-preservation (and even then, it's still often better in the long run to be temporarily inconvenienced and uncomfortable than to lie).
posted by nacho fries at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think one takeaway might be that you should insist (politely) that the next family show you your living quarters, and affirm that you'll have privacy and a decent internet connection, before you accept their offer.
Top-notch au pairs are in demand, so you should feel free to really advocate for yourself. It's in everyone's best interest -- the parents, the kids, you.
Also, please don't lie to your current employer. It diminishes you as a person; you would be lowering yourself just to avoid conflict. Truthful conflict is much better -- it sets everyone free, and has a ripple effect (your ethical conduct sets a good example for the parents -- not that it's your job to "grow up" other adults, but it's a nice side effect of doing the right thing). Lying should be reserved for only desperate-times self-preservation (and even then, it's still often better in the long run to be temporarily inconvenienced and uncomfortable than to lie).
posted by nacho fries at 11:02 AM on November 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Mrs Primate and I did not employ au pairs but rather full time nannies as per the Way of the People in Westchester (and we had plenty of friends with au pairs). As someone who has employed full time nannies let me say: your employers suck, and you owe them as little a legally possible. In your case, I think a certain bit of obfuscation or even lying is justified in order to secure a new position.
In terms of quitting, anyone who can afford an au pair will be able to find an at least temporary replacement with two weeks (of potentially uncomfortable) notice. However, you could make the situation less uncomfortable when you give notice by deploying a little white lie. You are moving closer to your boyfriend or one of your parents has taken ill and you want to be nearby or you decided to go back to school - anything really.
The only reason I would advise you to lie is to get a good reference from these people if necessary. It will also make your last week(s) more bearable for everyone. This is because these people obviously do not want to believe this is their fault, so if you lie about why you're leaving, they are far more likely to recommend you and to make your last days easier. For real: I had people call me about my last nanny three years after we employed her and after we'd moved continents (she was fantastic so no problems there, but we had one that were someone to call, well....)
And the people above saying you are not suited to being an au pair are demonstrably wrong from your thoughtful description of the problem. I still think that Messrs primates jr owe at least as much if not more of their success to their first nanny than Mrs Primate or me. Yours is a noble job!
posted by digitalprimate at 11:04 AM on November 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
In terms of quitting, anyone who can afford an au pair will be able to find an at least temporary replacement with two weeks (of potentially uncomfortable) notice. However, you could make the situation less uncomfortable when you give notice by deploying a little white lie. You are moving closer to your boyfriend or one of your parents has taken ill and you want to be nearby or you decided to go back to school - anything really.
The only reason I would advise you to lie is to get a good reference from these people if necessary. It will also make your last week(s) more bearable for everyone. This is because these people obviously do not want to believe this is their fault, so if you lie about why you're leaving, they are far more likely to recommend you and to make your last days easier. For real: I had people call me about my last nanny three years after we employed her and after we'd moved continents (she was fantastic so no problems there, but we had one that were someone to call, well....)
And the people above saying you are not suited to being an au pair are demonstrably wrong from your thoughtful description of the problem. I still think that Messrs primates jr owe at least as much if not more of their success to their first nanny than Mrs Primate or me. Yours is a noble job!
posted by digitalprimate at 11:04 AM on November 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I want them to be able to find someone new, so I'd try to give as much notice as I can.
Here, let's try flipping your conscientiousness into a less burdensome form: your employers could stand to be reminded that au pairs are valuable, and your successor may have a slightly easier time of it if they're anxious not to be left in the lurch again.
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:57 AM on November 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
Here, let's try flipping your conscientiousness into a less burdensome form: your employers could stand to be reminded that au pairs are valuable, and your successor may have a slightly easier time of it if they're anxious not to be left in the lurch again.
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:57 AM on November 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
Mod note: Comment deleted; let's stick to the question rather than debating the family's childrearing style. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 3:16 AM on November 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 3:16 AM on November 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Did you find your position through an agency? Is there any sort of contract? Do you have a work visa that's tied to this particular job? I would make sure all the legal aspects of changing jobs are taken care of before worrying about the emotional ones. (You may have already taken care of them; it's hard to tell from your question.)
posted by jaguar at 8:18 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]