facebook etiquette faux pax - how to respond (belatedly) to bday msgs
March 11, 2013 6:14 AM Subscribe
I've been feeling blue in recent years and, while I've kept my facebook account, I hardly ever go on there,
it just generates too much comparing-myself-to-others, and written communication is really anxiety provoking for me - i tend to edit and obsess endlessly. It was my birthday last month, and I got a bunch of really sweet birthday messages. But I somehow couldn't deal with replying to them. Hard to explain, I know most everyone thinks this is no big deal, but I just was frozen like a dear in the headlights. Fast forward a month, and every. single. day. I think oh crap, I have to write something on facebook thanking those people. But what could I possibly say now, a month later??
Maybe if you're someone who has a lot of anxiety around the phone, you can relate a bit -- I'm like that, only it's with writing (somehow I'm aok with in person or voice or anything real time.) So.. yeah - penny for your thoughts? tips for the anxiety ridden facebooker? I'm not above social lying.. don't need to tell them about the sad, just come up with some explanation for the long delay. many thanks in advance..
it just generates too much comparing-myself-to-others, and written communication is really anxiety provoking for me - i tend to edit and obsess endlessly. It was my birthday last month, and I got a bunch of really sweet birthday messages. But I somehow couldn't deal with replying to them. Hard to explain, I know most everyone thinks this is no big deal, but I just was frozen like a dear in the headlights. Fast forward a month, and every. single. day. I think oh crap, I have to write something on facebook thanking those people. But what could I possibly say now, a month later??
Maybe if you're someone who has a lot of anxiety around the phone, you can relate a bit -- I'm like that, only it's with writing (somehow I'm aok with in person or voice or anything real time.) So.. yeah - penny for your thoughts? tips for the anxiety ridden facebooker? I'm not above social lying.. don't need to tell them about the sad, just come up with some explanation for the long delay. many thanks in advance..
If you feel the need to respond positively, but find composing a full reply too much, then just "like" the messages. That's what the like button is for, to free you from the anxiety of composition!
posted by pharm at 6:21 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by pharm at 6:21 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's not a faux pas to ignore birthday messages. You're fine.
posted by something something at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
I just made one single status update towards the end of my birthday thanking everyone en masse.
I don't think anyone expects more than that; if you think about it, the person SENDING the Facebook birthday message is expending the least possible amount of effort themselves, so if they're not knocking themselves out over this, you don't need to either.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
I don't think anyone expects more than that; if you think about it, the person SENDING the Facebook birthday message is expending the least possible amount of effort themselves, so if they're not knocking themselves out over this, you don't need to either.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I don't even notice when someone doesn't respond to a Facebook birthday message.
If you really feel the need to respond, liking is totally sufficient! Or you can post something like 'Hey! I haven't been on FB much over the past month, but just wanted to say a very belated thanks to all for the lovely birthday messages!' as your status. (You really, really don't need to do this, however.)
posted by littlegreen at 6:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
If you really feel the need to respond, liking is totally sufficient! Or you can post something like 'Hey! I haven't been on FB much over the past month, but just wanted to say a very belated thanks to all for the lovely birthday messages!' as your status. (You really, really don't need to do this, however.)
posted by littlegreen at 6:25 AM on March 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
I don't think I've ever left a Facebook birthday message and then gone back to see whether the birthday person acknowledged it. If I happen to notice that they did, fine, but if they don't? Also totally fine. I promise you no one is thinking about it a month later. Acknowledging it now will just draw attention to it and confuse people.
If you don't want to receive birthday tidings in the future, you can set your profile to hide your birthday. Then your friends won't get the prompt from Facebook when it's your birthday.
posted by payoto at 6:26 AM on March 11, 2013
If you don't want to receive birthday tidings in the future, you can set your profile to hide your birthday. Then your friends won't get the prompt from Facebook when it's your birthday.
posted by payoto at 6:26 AM on March 11, 2013
There are tons of people who don't use Facebook very much at all, even if they have an account. I'm one of them, and a significant majority of my friends are as well. I think the only possible way this would be construed as a faux pas is if you were some kind of power Facebook user with a well defined presence and you just stopped responding to a bunch of involved personal messages.
But someone who doesn't use Facebook that often not responding to birthday messages? Heck, even someone who uses Facebook regularly? That's nothing. Most people wouldn't even remember it after a couple hours, much less a month. Every year, I get birthday wishes from near strangers because Facebook shows birthday reminders which make wishing someone a happy birthday incredibly trivial. It's not something to worry about.
posted by Diagonalize at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2013
But someone who doesn't use Facebook that often not responding to birthday messages? Heck, even someone who uses Facebook regularly? That's nothing. Most people wouldn't even remember it after a couple hours, much less a month. Every year, I get birthday wishes from near strangers because Facebook shows birthday reminders which make wishing someone a happy birthday incredibly trivial. It's not something to worry about.
posted by Diagonalize at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2013
I have done pretty much the same exact thing.
The good news is that, as others have mentioned, Facebook birthday messages are pretty much pro forma, and no one is going to a) view it as a breech of etiquette that you didn't respond or b) remember.
So it's more than fine to just move on. If it makes you feel better to acknowledge them, though, you can write a belated thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, or just "like" the posts. After that, you could go through and respond individually to anyone who asked you something or left a more detailed message - a less awkward way to do this might be to mention something more recent and then add "and very belated thanks for the birthday wishes!" to the end.
posted by eponym at 6:30 AM on March 11, 2013
The good news is that, as others have mentioned, Facebook birthday messages are pretty much pro forma, and no one is going to a) view it as a breech of etiquette that you didn't respond or b) remember.
So it's more than fine to just move on. If it makes you feel better to acknowledge them, though, you can write a belated thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, or just "like" the posts. After that, you could go through and respond individually to anyone who asked you something or left a more detailed message - a less awkward way to do this might be to mention something more recent and then add "and very belated thanks for the birthday wishes!" to the end.
posted by eponym at 6:30 AM on March 11, 2013
Very few if any people care about a response to their birthday message. They'll like if they get it, but won't notice it if it's not done. If you care to do anything, just like their wishes. Otherwise, just let it go.
Going forward, go to your privacy settings and hide your birthday from view of your friends. That way you don't have to deal with this feeling again in a year.
posted by inturnaround at 6:32 AM on March 11, 2013
Going forward, go to your privacy settings and hide your birthday from view of your friends. That way you don't have to deal with this feeling again in a year.
posted by inturnaround at 6:32 AM on March 11, 2013
To your immediate point, I see a lot of people who do something like this: "Thank you all for the kind birthday wishes." and leave it at that rather than interacting with, you know, EVERYBODY. I feel like you could do something like that, and you can even have this one for free: "Hey everybody, thank you so much for your kind birthday wishes last month." If you like you can add something like, "I've been caught up in some stuff and didn't have a chance to respond until now."
Trust me, nobody worth being friends with cares about this as much as you do. The people who have your best interests in mind will just be happy to hear from you. Even your close friends MAY NOT EVEN NOTICE your message, either because of the vagaries of Facebook or because they, too, have stuff going on in their own lives that is much more important to them than how soon you responded to a bunch of birthday messages.
As to the greater issue of Facebook creating or fostering social anxiety -- that's a real thing and you are not alone in it. It's totally okay to take a break from Facebook on any terms you like, up to and including just plain not checking it for a few months or years or ever again, if that's what works for you. Facebook is just a tool, and tools exist to serve us, not the other way around. If it's not serving you, if it is a net loss to your mental or emotional energy, if it is not facilitating you living your life however you want to live it, it's totally okay to cut it back or even out of your life. The people who are worth being friends with will understand.
posted by gauche at 6:34 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Trust me, nobody worth being friends with cares about this as much as you do. The people who have your best interests in mind will just be happy to hear from you. Even your close friends MAY NOT EVEN NOTICE your message, either because of the vagaries of Facebook or because they, too, have stuff going on in their own lives that is much more important to them than how soon you responded to a bunch of birthday messages.
As to the greater issue of Facebook creating or fostering social anxiety -- that's a real thing and you are not alone in it. It's totally okay to take a break from Facebook on any terms you like, up to and including just plain not checking it for a few months or years or ever again, if that's what works for you. Facebook is just a tool, and tools exist to serve us, not the other way around. If it's not serving you, if it is a net loss to your mental or emotional energy, if it is not facilitating you living your life however you want to live it, it's totally okay to cut it back or even out of your life. The people who are worth being friends with will understand.
posted by gauche at 6:34 AM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
On my birthday, I just went and "Liked" all of the posts people made wishing me happy birthday.
It's simple, it requires no written communication, it's not going to look weird a month after the fact, and it's a facebook-sanctioned way of saying, "hey, I noticed this and thought it was nice."
Just go get thumbs up happy.
posted by phunniemee at 7:00 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's simple, it requires no written communication, it's not going to look weird a month after the fact, and it's a facebook-sanctioned way of saying, "hey, I noticed this and thought it was nice."
Just go get thumbs up happy.
posted by phunniemee at 7:00 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm one of those people who wishes a "happy birthday" to all of my FB friends (a.k.a, sometimes the barest of acquaintances) when they show up in the sidebar. Some people respond via a comment to my post, some respond by "liking" my post, some post a single en masse thanks, some don't respond at all.
I honestly couldn't tell you which of my friends have responded in which way. I don't know who didn't respond, and even if I did I wouldn't resent it.
I think it's fine to ignore it completely and not worry about it, but if it assuages your guilt, go ahead and "like" the posts and/or post an en masse status update.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:37 AM on March 11, 2013
I honestly couldn't tell you which of my friends have responded in which way. I don't know who didn't respond, and even if I did I wouldn't resent it.
I think it's fine to ignore it completely and not worry about it, but if it assuages your guilt, go ahead and "like" the posts and/or post an en masse status update.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:37 AM on March 11, 2013
You need write nothing more than:
"Hey everyone, big belated thanks for all the birthday wishes last month!"
posted by usonian at 7:46 AM on March 11, 2013
"Hey everyone, big belated thanks for all the birthday wishes last month!"
posted by usonian at 7:46 AM on March 11, 2013
Easiest thing: make a single post that thanks everyone at once. It doesn't need any other details.
Easy + personal: "like" every message then make that single post.
I've seen so many different ways of handling that, and I've had to do it different ways each year depending on where my head's been at the time, so I totally get that feeling and can reassure you that either approach will be just fine and should allow that script to stop running to give you a bit more peaceful headspace.
posted by batmonkey at 7:53 AM on March 11, 2013
Easy + personal: "like" every message then make that single post.
I've seen so many different ways of handling that, and I've had to do it different ways each year depending on where my head's been at the time, so I totally get that feeling and can reassure you that either approach will be just fine and should allow that script to stop running to give you a bit more peaceful headspace.
posted by batmonkey at 7:53 AM on March 11, 2013
You could do something like say 'Belated thanks everyone' or you could do nothing. And it would be equally good.
Unless you're doing something like Liking only pictures of someone else's significant other, or having a public meltdown announcing your divorce, you're fine.
Facebook is designed to be a gloriously smooth surface of shallow interactions. Slip right on over it and be simultaneously amazed and appalled.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:01 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Unless you're doing something like Liking only pictures of someone else's significant other, or having a public meltdown announcing your divorce, you're fine.
Facebook is designed to be a gloriously smooth surface of shallow interactions. Slip right on over it and be simultaneously amazed and appalled.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:01 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
You could remove your birth date from your profile, that way your friends wouldn't get the birthday announcement.
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:29 AM on March 11, 2013
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:29 AM on March 11, 2013
Some of your friends know you are, at best, an irregular facebooker. The others haven't noticed whether you're on rarely or less rarely. You're blowing this way out of proportion. You can post a general "Thanks for the birthday wishes!" and that will take care of that.
And you're in some kind of treatment for anxiety/depression, right? Because beating yourself up over this for weeks on end is more the depression talking than the tiny Miss Manners who lives in your brain.
posted by rtha at 8:31 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
And you're in some kind of treatment for anxiety/depression, right? Because beating yourself up over this for weeks on end is more the depression talking than the tiny Miss Manners who lives in your brain.
posted by rtha at 8:31 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't use Facebook very much. People sometimes wish me happy birthday, and for years now I havent responded to it - I don't write a response or like the comment or anything. Half the people wishing me happy birthday are people I don't talk to anyway.
I think you are completely, 100% fine not doing anything at all.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:43 AM on March 11, 2013
I think you are completely, 100% fine not doing anything at all.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:43 AM on March 11, 2013
Nobody cares.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:30 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:30 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's really fine. Everyone who wished you a happy birthday just wanted you to know they were thinking about you, or at the very least that they noticed the message in the corner telling them it was your birthday. They're almost certainly aware that you don't use Facebook much. If you're really feeling compelled to say something, just write something like "I haven't checked FB since last month, thanks for all the birthday messages!"
posted by asciident at 4:17 PM on March 11, 2013
posted by asciident at 4:17 PM on March 11, 2013
Here's another approach:
Two people I'm facebook friends with had birthdays yesterday. Both were inundated with birthday wall posts. One person didn't respond at all. The other person just posted this image as a thank you.
posted by phunniemee at 11:14 AM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Two people I'm facebook friends with had birthdays yesterday. Both were inundated with birthday wall posts. One person didn't respond at all. The other person just posted this image as a thank you.
posted by phunniemee at 11:14 AM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
You should remove your birthday information on your account. I did this after I read an article about a guy who was fed up with birthday notifications. He did an experiment, where he changed his birthday every week, just to see who was really paying attention and who was simply responding to the notifications. In the meantime post a thank you cat image and be done with the guilt this is so far down everybody else's feed by now.
posted by Kale Slayer at 6:34 PM on April 15, 2013
posted by Kale Slayer at 6:34 PM on April 15, 2013
Was it David Plotz's My Fake Facebook Birthdays? I don't have my birthday on Facebook for the same reason.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:52 PM on April 16, 2013
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:52 PM on April 16, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:18 AM on March 11, 2013 [19 favorites]