Good friend/bad friend
May 4, 2012 9:40 AM Subscribe
I am not feeling this baby shower right now. Help!
Next weekend, a good friend of mine who lives within walking distance from me, is having a "sip and see" baby shower where her parents live, about 3+ hours drive from where she and I live.
The original baby shower, last fall, had to be rescheduled because she had the baby extremely early (like scary NICU for weeks early; baby is now doing awesome). I'd planned to go to the original shower, which was here, where we live.
For reasons that have nothing to do with her (I'm just back from a week in another time zone, it's one of two Saturdays I have in the next few months, work is nuts, 7 hours of driving in one day by myself is meh, I see baby all the time, based on her wedding shower there, I think it's all her parents' friends I don't know who are attending), I am really feeling like not going, but have a tremendous case of the guilts for even thinking about not going. Not sure how this cuts, but I've been involved with her pregnancy and post-delivery ups and downs, taking her to the doctor for a procedure when her husband was out of town, organizing a dinner drop when she came back from the hospital, visiting baby at the hospital, checking on her on a few occasions, etc.
On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "you are totally fine" and 10 is "you are an irredeemable jerkface," how bad is it for me to call her and tell her I can't make it but would love to take her and the fam to brunch sometime when things are calmer?
Next weekend, a good friend of mine who lives within walking distance from me, is having a "sip and see" baby shower where her parents live, about 3+ hours drive from where she and I live.
The original baby shower, last fall, had to be rescheduled because she had the baby extremely early (like scary NICU for weeks early; baby is now doing awesome). I'd planned to go to the original shower, which was here, where we live.
For reasons that have nothing to do with her (I'm just back from a week in another time zone, it's one of two Saturdays I have in the next few months, work is nuts, 7 hours of driving in one day by myself is meh, I see baby all the time, based on her wedding shower there, I think it's all her parents' friends I don't know who are attending), I am really feeling like not going, but have a tremendous case of the guilts for even thinking about not going. Not sure how this cuts, but I've been involved with her pregnancy and post-delivery ups and downs, taking her to the doctor for a procedure when her husband was out of town, organizing a dinner drop when she came back from the hospital, visiting baby at the hospital, checking on her on a few occasions, etc.
On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is "you are totally fine" and 10 is "you are an irredeemable jerkface," how bad is it for me to call her and tell her I can't make it but would love to take her and the fam to brunch sometime when things are calmer?
Best answer: It sounds like you've been present (and will continue to be present) in this child's life to a degree most non-family-members won't. Your friend might be a little sad by the fact that you can't make it but if you need to "cough cough sorry cough cough" out of this, I don't think anyone is going to begrudge you.
posted by griphus at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
It isn't good. You've been her standby in a very tough time and she'll really miss you if you aren't there. (Do you really think she's dying to hang with her parents' friends, too???) So to me, this would be disappointing enough to put you in 2 or 3 territory.
She's a good friend and this is a big deal. I'd suggest you stash some awesome audio books for your car radio and go.
posted by bearwife at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
She's a good friend and this is a big deal. I'd suggest you stash some awesome audio books for your car radio and go.
posted by bearwife at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
A 1. Just send a gift.
posted by WhitenoisE at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by WhitenoisE at 9:46 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
This totally depends on her. Everyone's guesses here are going to depend on their projection of her feelings about the shower, about people's attendance in general, and her relationship with you. You really need to talk to her about this to get an actual answer. Reasonable people differ on this sort of thing.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:51 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by restless_nomad at 9:51 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's next weekend? So, not in 1-2 days, but in 8-9 days? If that's the case, why not just wait and see if your feelings re: the shower improve?
If I'm misreading you and it really is tomorrow or Sunday, and you feel too thrashed and overextended to manage the 7-hour drive, then no, I don't think you're a bad person at all. If you're feeling tired and overextended (and if you're anything like me) you wouldn't exactly be at your sparkly best for the party. I'm sure your friend will miss you, but given the circumstances, it's totally okay for you to skip this one. Rating this a 2/10.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:51 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
If I'm misreading you and it really is tomorrow or Sunday, and you feel too thrashed and overextended to manage the 7-hour drive, then no, I don't think you're a bad person at all. If you're feeling tired and overextended (and if you're anything like me) you wouldn't exactly be at your sparkly best for the party. I'm sure your friend will miss you, but given the circumstances, it's totally okay for you to skip this one. Rating this a 2/10.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:51 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is about a 1 on your scale. 10 is for when you offer to organize the shower, do a crappy job, and then don't show up leaving the mother to be to pay the cake bill.
This sounds like a chance for her parents' friends to coo over the new grandchild. You're already very actively involved in this baby's life and you have totally valid reasons for not going. Just tell her you can't make it and propose your brunch plan.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a chance for her parents' friends to coo over the new grandchild. You're already very actively involved in this baby's life and you have totally valid reasons for not going. Just tell her you can't make it and propose your brunch plan.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
After all you've done for her, just explain to her what you've told us and she should understand. If she doesn't I'd say that's a 7 or 8 - for her! As for you, you're fine.
posted by hazyjane at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by hazyjane at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oops, misread your scale. To me this puts you in 7-8 territory. I do agree with others that this is dependent more on how she feels than how we do, but I'd also point out that she's probably got lots to do with organizing shower and dealing with baby, and it would be nicer not to add to this by asking her to take you off the hook.
posted by bearwife at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by bearwife at 9:55 AM on May 4, 2012
If you've met the baby a few times before, I'd think skipping the party is fine; she'll probably have enough people around that you'll hardly be missed. But you should probably run it by her just to make sure it won't totally disappoint her if you bail.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012
Response by poster: It's next weekend? So, not in 1-2 days, but in 8-9 days? If that's the case, why not just wait and see if your feelings re: the shower improve?
It's in 8 days, but the Evite reminder came up just now and specifically asked me to RSVP, so I feel like I should give them notice asap to let them know one way or the other for catering purposes.
posted by *s at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012
It's in 8 days, but the Evite reminder came up just now and specifically asked me to RSVP, so I feel like I should give them notice asap to let them know one way or the other for catering purposes.
posted by *s at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012
I have never in my life heard of people traveling 3 hours for a baby shower unless they were grandparents to the baby in question. And if she begrudges you declining to spend 7 hours driving so you can sit with her parents' friends and play with a baby you play with every week, after you've been so helpful to her during a difficult time, then I don't think she's a very good friend. I say 1.
posted by escabeche at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by escabeche at 10:01 AM on May 4, 2012 [17 favorites]
This shower sounds like it's not just for her and the baby, but a celebration of getting through the tough first months of the lil' one's life. I am totally projecting here, but the fact that your friend has something to celebrate at all is something of a miracle (or the result of science doing amazing things).
You've been there through the tough times - I think it's appropriate that should be there for the celebration as well. Even if it's through gritted teeth. I'd chalk this up to being an "I'm an adult and sometimes I have to do things I don't feel like doing" sort of thing.
I'd put you at about a 8/9 on the jerkface scale if you didn't go.
posted by Elly Vortex at 10:02 AM on May 4, 2012
You've been there through the tough times - I think it's appropriate that should be there for the celebration as well. Even if it's through gritted teeth. I'd chalk this up to being an "I'm an adult and sometimes I have to do things I don't feel like doing" sort of thing.
I'd put you at about a 8/9 on the jerkface scale if you didn't go.
posted by Elly Vortex at 10:02 AM on May 4, 2012
If you two were going to go in the same car together, with the baby, then I'd say suck it up and go. If the plan was that you were going to drive by yourself, sit for an hour or so talking to people you don't know and then turning around and driving home again, then totally skip it.
You may have been invited as a courtesy, for all that you've been doing, which is lovely, but if it's more of a family affair, it might be just fine if you bow out on this one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:07 AM on May 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
You may have been invited as a courtesy, for all that you've been doing, which is lovely, but if it's more of a family affair, it might be just fine if you bow out on this one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:07 AM on May 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
OK, so, depending on which internet stranger you ask, it's anywhere from a 1 ("totally fine") to a 9 (only slightly less bad than the worst friend ever). The fact that you've already done so much for her either makes it just fine for you to miss this, or makes it all the more obligatory for you to attend. So, since it's clear that different people are going to have completely different opinions on how acceptable this is, and none of us can read her mind, why not ask her how she actually feels about it?
posted by John Cohen at 10:09 AM on May 4, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 10:09 AM on May 4, 2012 [4 favorites]
yeah, a lot depends on whether she sees this as "a baby shower" or "a celebration of a precious human who very nearly didn't make it here at all." If it's the former, you can skip it. If it's the latter? That's harder.
posted by KathrynT at 10:09 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by KathrynT at 10:09 AM on May 4, 2012
Best answer: Self-care is important, yo. If you're already giving a lot in this relationship and you need some time to rest, don't go to the party. Depending on your relationship with her, either explain the situation and apologize or just sick out. I've been in a lot of life situations where I've just tried to keep chugging along doing the right thing and being there for people while I felt like crashing, burning and screaming, and frankly it just isn't worth it if no illness or terrible event is involved. Take the break time you need.
I truly do not understand these friendships where people are apparently thinking "you must grossly inconvenience yourself when you're already under a ton of stress in order to [be at a party or similar event] or you clearly don't care about me and everything is ruined".
posted by Frowner at 10:12 AM on May 4, 2012 [12 favorites]
I truly do not understand these friendships where people are apparently thinking "you must grossly inconvenience yourself when you're already under a ton of stress in order to [be at a party or similar event] or you clearly don't care about me and everything is ruined".
posted by Frowner at 10:12 AM on May 4, 2012 [12 favorites]
On my scale that would absolutely be a 1, but your friend's scale is probably different. I don't think you are being a bad friend at all given all of the support and involvement you write about. I wouldn't expect anyone to drive 7 hours in one day for a baby shower when you already see and interact with the baby quite a bit.
I think you have to be okay with telling her that you can't make it given the drive, your work craziness, etc, and it's up to her to be a good and understanding friend to you. It sounds like she has a lot that she should appreciate about your friendship, and not making it to this event shouldn't change that.
posted by Sal and Richard at 10:17 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you have to be okay with telling her that you can't make it given the drive, your work craziness, etc, and it's up to her to be a good and understanding friend to you. It sounds like she has a lot that she should appreciate about your friendship, and not making it to this event shouldn't change that.
posted by Sal and Richard at 10:17 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Beg off with apologies, take a gift over to your friend's house the day before or after the event, take a bottle of wine or some nice coffee, and have your own "sip and see". 6-7 hours of driving is a lot to demand of someone for an event in which they're only a guest unless it's something really big like a wedding or funeral.
If your friend gets pissed at you, that tells you more about your friend than it does your own self.
posted by hippybear at 10:20 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
If your friend gets pissed at you, that tells you more about your friend than it does your own self.
posted by hippybear at 10:20 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
You don't need to go. Call her and let her know. (It's actually unreasonable for you to be expected to drive that far for a baby shower in the first place.) If you feel guilty, call her, let her know, and add in a super special treat you will do with her in the future (a spa day or massage away from the stress of baby?).
posted by Vaike at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 10:25 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
There is no need for you to be there. Do not feel guilty at all when you say you need that day to look after matters in your own life.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 10:40 AM on May 4, 2012
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 10:40 AM on May 4, 2012
I would say this is pretty low on that scale. 3 or so. You've put in so many "good friend" efforts lately that this should hardly be a dent in your karma.
It's a baby shower in your friend's family's hometown - that really implies that it's all about the family. Reasons to feel bad would be if you know the family and they'd specifically be glad to see you, or if another good friend is going and says "gawd it'll be nothing but aunties, pleeeese go so I'll have someone to talk to!". But your new-mother friend is going to be swarming in family, and having a good time, and showing off the baby to people who've never met him/her. And making her mother happy. Your presence/absence isn't a major feature of that particular scene.
But on the road to making her monther happy, your biggest obligation is to RSVP in a timely manner. Send your regrets, and let the hostess get on with counting out tea sandwiches. A gift is low-priority, but I'd probably buy them something cute/nice but not major, put it in a gift-bag or tie a ribbon around it, and walk it over during the week after the shower, saying "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to [parent's town] last weekend, how was the party?"
posted by aimedwander at 11:03 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's a baby shower in your friend's family's hometown - that really implies that it's all about the family. Reasons to feel bad would be if you know the family and they'd specifically be glad to see you, or if another good friend is going and says "gawd it'll be nothing but aunties, pleeeese go so I'll have someone to talk to!". But your new-mother friend is going to be swarming in family, and having a good time, and showing off the baby to people who've never met him/her. And making her mother happy. Your presence/absence isn't a major feature of that particular scene.
But on the road to making her monther happy, your biggest obligation is to RSVP in a timely manner. Send your regrets, and let the hostess get on with counting out tea sandwiches. A gift is low-priority, but I'd probably buy them something cute/nice but not major, put it in a gift-bag or tie a ribbon around it, and walk it over during the week after the shower, saying "I'm sorry I couldn't make it to [parent's town] last weekend, how was the party?"
posted by aimedwander at 11:03 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
It sounds like this is a very close friend. Can't you just ask her? "You know I love you and the baby, and if it's important to you I'll definitely be at the baby shower. If it's not important to you, it's a long drive for me at a busy time, so I'll skip it. What do you think?"
posted by chickenmagazine at 11:26 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by chickenmagazine at 11:26 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
ASK HER.
posted by anildash at 12:40 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by anildash at 12:40 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: In asking here first, I was hoping to avoid needlessly pissing my friend off in case just the very idea of maybe not attending was offensive. Also, saying no is not my strong suit and she's pretty persuasive, so I had to go in with an idea of what I wanted to do. Since I posted this, I heard back from a mutual good friend who lives only an hour from the shower:
Uhhh, 1. I am not going either. I couldn't even face 3 hours of driving to sit around and look at a baby. You live less than a mile from said baby! Why in the world would you drive 6 hours to see him????
You should not feel guilty at all.
Resolved! Thanks for helping me sort this out.
posted by *s at 12:57 PM on May 4, 2012 [6 favorites]
Uhhh, 1. I am not going either. I couldn't even face 3 hours of driving to sit around and look at a baby. You live less than a mile from said baby! Why in the world would you drive 6 hours to see him????
You should not feel guilty at all.
Resolved! Thanks for helping me sort this out.
posted by *s at 12:57 PM on May 4, 2012 [6 favorites]
Considering how much you've been there for her thus far (involved with her pregnancy and post-delivery ups and downs and standing in for her husband when he couldn't make it, etc.), I'm sorry, but to me (if you were my good friend), it would seem weird and mean for you to cancel out of going to the baby shower at this point.
Suck it up and deal. Shit happens. Your work life will ease up eventually, but your true friends are forever. (P.S. She probably doesn't give two shits about her parents' friends either and you'll both be able to console each other over how lame the party is... but if you're not there, she'll be all on her own. :( That would truly suck.) I would make the effort to attend, but that's just me. If you're truly freaking exhausted or sick, call in with your regrets and send a nice gift. She'll understand.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:23 PM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
Suck it up and deal. Shit happens. Your work life will ease up eventually, but your true friends are forever. (P.S. She probably doesn't give two shits about her parents' friends either and you'll both be able to console each other over how lame the party is... but if you're not there, she'll be all on her own. :( That would truly suck.) I would make the effort to attend, but that's just me. If you're truly freaking exhausted or sick, call in with your regrets and send a nice gift. She'll understand.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:23 PM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
Uhhh, 1. I am not going either. I couldn't even face 3 hours of driving to sit around and look at a baby. You live less than a mile from said baby! Why in the world would you drive 6 hours to see him????
OP, you and the mutual friend who sent that email are clearly right. I'm glad this discussion has been helpful. It is mind-boggling that some people actually said you would deserve a rating anywhere near 10 on your scale where 10 is being the worst possible friend.
posted by John Cohen at 4:49 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
OP, you and the mutual friend who sent that email are clearly right. I'm glad this discussion has been helpful. It is mind-boggling that some people actually said you would deserve a rating anywhere near 10 on your scale where 10 is being the worst possible friend.
posted by John Cohen at 4:49 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
IMO the Sip 'n' See is a time for out of town friends and family to oooh and aww over the new baby. People who see the little nugget all the time don't especially have to go.
Tell your friend you're sorry you can't make it and take a gift over to her the day before. Wrap it up all pretty and tell her she can either open it now or take it to the party and open it there.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:54 PM on May 4, 2012
Tell your friend you're sorry you can't make it and take a gift over to her the day before. Wrap it up all pretty and tell her she can either open it now or take it to the party and open it there.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:54 PM on May 4, 2012
Your work life will ease up eventually, but your true friends are forever.
This is true, but the people I want as my true friends forever understand that sometimes I need to decline an invitation to a social event to take care of myself. They might feel sad or disappointed, but they won't think I'm mean or wrong.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:43 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is true, but the people I want as my true friends forever understand that sometimes I need to decline an invitation to a social event to take care of myself. They might feel sad or disappointed, but they won't think I'm mean or wrong.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:43 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
She's the best one to tell you if it's a 10 or only a 3.
posted by royalsong at 9:45 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]