Do I lack social skills?
January 14, 2012 9:03 AM Subscribe
I think I'm doing fine, but my friends tell me I'm not.
I am a lone child and perhaps that has something to do with how I am. But I have a problem. My friends think I'm acting overly non-social. For example, one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends. Usually it's no problem and everyone gets along, but with me, nope. And I'm being defined as a person who doesn't open up to others, who isn't open for anything new, etc.
But when I'm by myself and not with my friends, I feel I'm an allright person socially; just a bit quiet among people I don't know well. Now I get this told often, and it's starting to piss me off, since I get sad and starting thinking there's something wrong with me or that I have to be overly conscious about "getting to know everyone" as if it's a goal that has to be achieved. Main reason is to be open and create unexpected situations in a normal day; instead I'm at home enjoyed myself 5 out of 7 days a week - the rest I'm out having fun with my selected friends on bars etc.
Why do I keep thinking my friends are actually right, and something's really wrong with me? It's always hard to see yourself from outside, so I really can't rely solely on my own self-perception - but it also seems like my friends want me to be like them or something. It's like they can't accept me as who I am. And even if they do, they will think that I'm wasting a positive side of life, by not being as social and open as they are.
Are they right?
I am a lone child and perhaps that has something to do with how I am. But I have a problem. My friends think I'm acting overly non-social. For example, one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends. Usually it's no problem and everyone gets along, but with me, nope. And I'm being defined as a person who doesn't open up to others, who isn't open for anything new, etc.
But when I'm by myself and not with my friends, I feel I'm an allright person socially; just a bit quiet among people I don't know well. Now I get this told often, and it's starting to piss me off, since I get sad and starting thinking there's something wrong with me or that I have to be overly conscious about "getting to know everyone" as if it's a goal that has to be achieved. Main reason is to be open and create unexpected situations in a normal day; instead I'm at home enjoyed myself 5 out of 7 days a week - the rest I'm out having fun with my selected friends on bars etc.
Why do I keep thinking my friends are actually right, and something's really wrong with me? It's always hard to see yourself from outside, so I really can't rely solely on my own self-perception - but it also seems like my friends want me to be like them or something. It's like they can't accept me as who I am. And even if they do, they will think that I'm wasting a positive side of life, by not being as social and open as they are.
Are they right?
Your friends sound like extroverts and you sound like an introvert. To extroverts, wanting to be alone, or being reserved in social gatherings appears anti-social to them. They do not understand at all how you can't love and thrive in the company of others. It's like speaking a foreign language to them.
I'd try to educate them about the differences between being extroverted and being introverted. Help them understand who you are and how you tick.
Because there is nothing wrong with you, Lotsofcoffee.
posted by royalsong at 9:10 AM on January 14, 2012 [15 favorites]
I'd try to educate them about the differences between being extroverted and being introverted. Help them understand who you are and how you tick.
Because there is nothing wrong with you, Lotsofcoffee.
posted by royalsong at 9:10 AM on January 14, 2012 [15 favorites]
It sounds like you're an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. It's true for me that sometimes being introverted means that I forget to socialize, and socializing is important to my well-being. However, too much socializing with people I'm not comfortable with or all at once is *not* good for me.
It can be good to try to stretch your boundaries and, for instance, make it a goal to talk to everyone at the party, or something. BUT. If you do that it should be because it's *your* goal, not your friends' goal for you.
When they bring it up, tell them you are happy the way you are, and change the subject.
And maybe find some introverted friends.
posted by bunderful at 9:14 AM on January 14, 2012
It can be good to try to stretch your boundaries and, for instance, make it a goal to talk to everyone at the party, or something. BUT. If you do that it should be because it's *your* goal, not your friends' goal for you.
When they bring it up, tell them you are happy the way you are, and change the subject.
And maybe find some introverted friends.
posted by bunderful at 9:14 AM on January 14, 2012
Also - for an extrovert, being reserved in social situations or spending lots of time alone might mean that something is wrong - that might be where this is coming from
This might help:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-misleading-assumptions-you-make-about-quiet-people_p2/
posted by bunderful at 9:17 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This might help:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-misleading-assumptions-you-make-about-quiet-people_p2/
posted by bunderful at 9:17 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
It doesn't matter if your friends are extroverted or not or if you are introverted or not. Your friends are not treating you properly. I'm not an introvert, but I had times when younger when I had friends I'd known for a long time repeatedly list out things I needed to "fix" about myself because they were "trying to help me" because I was doing things wrong. It's so damaging. If you're only spending time around people who are doing this to you, even if it's one on one time that you usually value, think about expanding your circle a bit to get some more people in your life who are newer friends. You can still form deeper connections with those people, but it just takes time. I think you need some people with a new perspective. Don't cut out the old ones, but put them and their opinions at a distance.
posted by sweetkid at 9:21 AM on January 14, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 9:21 AM on January 14, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'm also introverted. I am quite content with a very small number of friends and with spending plenty of time on my own. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
Personally, though, I do make an effort to get to know other people on a superficial level. It's something that often feels deliberate and like an act: I have to do it very much on purpose.
I do this, because I've observed that the more people you know, the more interesting opportunities in life show up, courtesy of those other people. If you just spoke to that guy in the corner, you may find out that he is going on this super fantastic course on elephant wrangling which just happens to be your passion in life. If you have a bunch of casual acquaintances you are MUCH more likely to be able to find an apartment quickly when you need one, get a really great job, find a plumber or borrow a lawn mower. Of course, I try to make sure I am quick to help other people out when I'm able to hook them up with a plumber or a lawn mower myself.
I make this effort because it's worth it to me. It's my decision, and if you don't want to do the same I don't see what's wrong with that. But you may have to buy your own lawn mower.
posted by emilyw at 9:28 AM on January 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
Personally, though, I do make an effort to get to know other people on a superficial level. It's something that often feels deliberate and like an act: I have to do it very much on purpose.
I do this, because I've observed that the more people you know, the more interesting opportunities in life show up, courtesy of those other people. If you just spoke to that guy in the corner, you may find out that he is going on this super fantastic course on elephant wrangling which just happens to be your passion in life. If you have a bunch of casual acquaintances you are MUCH more likely to be able to find an apartment quickly when you need one, get a really great job, find a plumber or borrow a lawn mower. Of course, I try to make sure I am quick to help other people out when I'm able to hook them up with a plumber or a lawn mower myself.
I make this effort because it's worth it to me. It's my decision, and if you don't want to do the same I don't see what's wrong with that. But you may have to buy your own lawn mower.
posted by emilyw at 9:28 AM on January 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
In my mid to late 20s, I often found it strange and somewhat stressful when my girlfriend and then my wife (both introverts) didn't want to hang out with my social circle.
My mid- to late-20s were also a time of social awkwardness for me for some reason. I was in teacher training school, and later the JET programme, and for some reason people in both these areas behaved as though it was back in high school. Very clique-y. No wonder my wife didn't want anything to do with them.
I'm a social guy, though, so the way we developed a social life was to start meeting people more like us. People who were already married, usually from Japan or Korea, and who had kids. I sometimes connect with my old gang from my 20s, and they haven't changed.
I guess my point is, in your 20s, it can be an awkward time. Eventually you come to accept yourself for who you are, and realize that most people are just trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
If your friends are bugging you, get new friends.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:39 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
My mid- to late-20s were also a time of social awkwardness for me for some reason. I was in teacher training school, and later the JET programme, and for some reason people in both these areas behaved as though it was back in high school. Very clique-y. No wonder my wife didn't want anything to do with them.
I'm a social guy, though, so the way we developed a social life was to start meeting people more like us. People who were already married, usually from Japan or Korea, and who had kids. I sometimes connect with my old gang from my 20s, and they haven't changed.
I guess my point is, in your 20s, it can be an awkward time. Eventually you come to accept yourself for who you are, and realize that most people are just trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
If your friends are bugging you, get new friends.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:39 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers.
I have to include that I was in a period overly conscious about these matters to such an extent that I didn't feel natural in ANY situation, since I tried to be someone I'm not. And that was extrovert and outgoing. So I overanalyzed everything and blamed mysef for social situations not going well. So that's when I eventually ended up accepting where I am now. Not the most social person in the world.
I guess I just need to meet more people (oh the irony) who can accept this part of me or relate.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 9:58 AM on January 14, 2012
I have to include that I was in a period overly conscious about these matters to such an extent that I didn't feel natural in ANY situation, since I tried to be someone I'm not. And that was extrovert and outgoing. So I overanalyzed everything and blamed mysef for social situations not going well. So that's when I eventually ended up accepting where I am now. Not the most social person in the world.
I guess I just need to meet more people (oh the irony) who can accept this part of me or relate.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 9:58 AM on January 14, 2012
Yeah, that's part of being introverted, and it sounds like your friends don't understand that not everyone is like them when it comes to social interaction. I'm really introverted too, and I tend to feel like an alien in social situations that involve more than a few people I know really well. I'm amazed by people who can go around befriending everybody, but I'm just not comfortable doing that.
I hate large parties where I only know one or two people - I can start up conversations with people I don't know, but eventually those conversations die out and then I feel super dorky while everyone's talking to everyone else, and all I want to do is leave. So I do. Since I am actually happier when I'm not at these parties, I accept that that's just how I am and it's okay. I'm not an only child, by the way- I don't think that has much to do with it, really.
posted by wondermouse at 10:05 AM on January 14, 2012
I hate large parties where I only know one or two people - I can start up conversations with people I don't know, but eventually those conversations die out and then I feel super dorky while everyone's talking to everyone else, and all I want to do is leave. So I do. Since I am actually happier when I'm not at these parties, I accept that that's just how I am and it's okay. I'm not an only child, by the way- I don't think that has much to do with it, really.
posted by wondermouse at 10:05 AM on January 14, 2012
Response by poster: But the stuff people talk about.....argh! it's like communication becomes a symbol for being social in those situations, rather than actual conversation. I hate most formal situations for exactly that. They seem so artificial and thereby inherently unnatural.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 10:10 AM on January 14, 2012
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 10:10 AM on January 14, 2012
And I'm being defined as a person who doesn't open up to others, who isn't open for anything new, etc.
There are a gazillion other aspects of who you are that your friends could be dwelling on, and there are people who will enjoy you for who you are. There are also people who would feel horribly if one of their friends came away from an interaction with them internalizing this sort of negativity.
I think you need new friends. Unfortunately, they're not going to drop into your lap. I think you'll be happier if you start enforcing boundaries with your current group of friends. With people you'd like to be friends with, gently test their boundaries, but leave it up to them to enforce them, and remind yourself that you're proposing something that's going to make their life a little better, so it's all good. Don't assume your coworker doesn't want to grab lunch with you, ask them.
You can still be introverted if you learn to be more assertive.
posted by alphanerd at 10:11 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
There are a gazillion other aspects of who you are that your friends could be dwelling on, and there are people who will enjoy you for who you are. There are also people who would feel horribly if one of their friends came away from an interaction with them internalizing this sort of negativity.
I think you need new friends. Unfortunately, they're not going to drop into your lap. I think you'll be happier if you start enforcing boundaries with your current group of friends. With people you'd like to be friends with, gently test their boundaries, but leave it up to them to enforce them, and remind yourself that you're proposing something that's going to make their life a little better, so it's all good. Don't assume your coworker doesn't want to grab lunch with you, ask them.
You can still be introverted if you learn to be more assertive.
posted by alphanerd at 10:11 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: and remind yourself that you're proposing something that's going to make their life a little better
This is actually a VERY good point.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 10:13 AM on January 14, 2012
This is actually a VERY good point.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 10:13 AM on January 14, 2012
But the stuff people talk about.....argh! it's like communication becomes a symbol for being social in those situations, rather than actual conversation. I hate most formal situations for exactly that. They seem so artificial and thereby inherently unnatural.
Check out Games People Play by Eric Berne.
"For certain fortunate people there is something which transcends all classifications of behavior, and that is awareness; something which rises above the programming of the past, and that is spontaneity; and something that is more rewarding than games, and that is intimacy. But all three of these may be frightening and even perilous to the unprepared. Perhaps they are better off as they are, seeking their solutions in popular techniques of social action, such as 'togetherness.' This may mean that there is no hope for the human race, but there is hope for individual members of it."
posted by alphanerd at 10:17 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Check out Games People Play by Eric Berne.
"For certain fortunate people there is something which transcends all classifications of behavior, and that is awareness; something which rises above the programming of the past, and that is spontaneity; and something that is more rewarding than games, and that is intimacy. But all three of these may be frightening and even perilous to the unprepared. Perhaps they are better off as they are, seeking their solutions in popular techniques of social action, such as 'togetherness.' This may mean that there is no hope for the human race, but there is hope for individual members of it."
posted by alphanerd at 10:17 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is what it sounds like when introverts get bullied by extroverts. Why do you have to be friends with every one of your friends' friends?
As for why you wonder whether something's wrong with you, maybe it's just that you're an only child, so you don't have a sibling to set an example (not to mention those of us with siblings who don't do this either).
posted by rhizome at 10:21 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
As for why you wonder whether something's wrong with you, maybe it's just that you're an only child, so you don't have a sibling to set an example (not to mention those of us with siblings who don't do this either).
posted by rhizome at 10:21 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
it's like communication becomes a symbol for being social in those situations, rather than actual conversation. I hate most formal situations for exactly that. They seem so artificial and thereby inherently unnatural.
You're doing fine, you know what you think and feel, you're on the right track; push back against anybody who thinks otherwise. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to say, "So what?" Make your mark, set some boundaries.
posted by rhizome at 10:23 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're doing fine, you know what you think and feel, you're on the right track; push back against anybody who thinks otherwise. Stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to say, "So what?" Make your mark, set some boundaries.
posted by rhizome at 10:23 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I dated a guy for nearly 2 years... who was very extroverted, to the point that he didn't really know how to just sit at home and enjoy an evening relaxing. He was driven to constantly seek out company, go to parties even when he didn't like the people, organize social events just to be around people. He could not understand how I would ever enjoy sitting at home. It worked in its own way, for a while, because he forced me out more than I would have done otherwise... and I forced him to stay in more than he would have done willingly.
Of course, we regularly got into fights.. he called me a robot, because I didn't see the need to constantly seek out other people. (my grandmother considers me a sociopath for the same reason). I didn't understand why he would be so desperate to avoid being alone (and it caused a bit of insecurity on my part, worrying that he didn't want to be alone with me...)
We saw the movie "Date Night", where at one point the wife says that one of her greatest fantasies is to just get a hotel room by herself and enjoy a night of solitude, peace and quiet. The Ex couldn't grasp why anyone would want to do that (though he allowed that a mother with several children might enjoy the break, he couldn't see why she wouldn't prefer a romantic hotel evening with the hubby included). I tried explaining that sometimes you just need to get away, be alone, take a hot bath and absorb a nice calm silence.
He, like many extroverts, just didn't get it. Thats fine for him, or people like him...
but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or me, just because being alone doesn't make you feel so lonely you have to seek out company.
posted by myShanon at 10:49 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Of course, we regularly got into fights.. he called me a robot, because I didn't see the need to constantly seek out other people. (my grandmother considers me a sociopath for the same reason). I didn't understand why he would be so desperate to avoid being alone (and it caused a bit of insecurity on my part, worrying that he didn't want to be alone with me...)
We saw the movie "Date Night", where at one point the wife says that one of her greatest fantasies is to just get a hotel room by herself and enjoy a night of solitude, peace and quiet. The Ex couldn't grasp why anyone would want to do that (though he allowed that a mother with several children might enjoy the break, he couldn't see why she wouldn't prefer a romantic hotel evening with the hubby included). I tried explaining that sometimes you just need to get away, be alone, take a hot bath and absorb a nice calm silence.
He, like many extroverts, just didn't get it. Thats fine for him, or people like him...
but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or me, just because being alone doesn't make you feel so lonely you have to seek out company.
posted by myShanon at 10:49 AM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
One of the best ways I've ever heard it explained is this: An introvert gets drained by too much socializing and needs alone time to recharge. An extrovert gets drained by too much alone time and needs to socialize to recharge. I think it's probably more of a continuum, and I fall very close to the extreme introvert end.
I was never directly hassled too much by my extrovert friends, but some people who didn't know me well thought I was "stuck up" or some kind of narcissist. That bothered me quite a bit, and I tried to fake it as much as I could to avoid that type of characterization, but that can be a rough thing to put yourself through. What mattered most in the end for me was that I had a small group of wonderful, genuine friends who liked me for exactly who I was. My advice is to explain yourself to your friends, ask them to ease up and let you be yourself, and gravitate to those who honor that wish.
posted by gimli at 11:08 AM on January 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
I was never directly hassled too much by my extrovert friends, but some people who didn't know me well thought I was "stuck up" or some kind of narcissist. That bothered me quite a bit, and I tried to fake it as much as I could to avoid that type of characterization, but that can be a rough thing to put yourself through. What mattered most in the end for me was that I had a small group of wonderful, genuine friends who liked me for exactly who I was. My advice is to explain yourself to your friends, ask them to ease up and let you be yourself, and gravitate to those who honor that wish.
posted by gimli at 11:08 AM on January 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
One of the best ways I've ever heard it explained is this: An introvert gets drained by too much socializing and needs alone time to recharge. An extrovert gets drained by too much alone time and needs to socialize to recharge. I think it's probably more of a continuum, and I fall very close to the extreme introvert end.
This is really the ONLY way to describe it, I feel. Anything else just devolves into some stereotypes about "extroverts are dumb and shallow" or "introverts are nerdy dweebs with no social skills." Don't fall in that trap or you'll be as judgy as your friends are being now.
posted by sweetkid at 11:38 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
While it's not that I don't completely buy into the introvert/extrovert theory, I dislike how everyone uses these convenient labels to simply social interactions. A lot of the responses put your friends into the camp of "extrovert" and you into the camp of "introvert" despite only having a few scant details about both. Similarly, they're excusing your friends' bad behaviour by saying "oh, they're extroverts, so they can never understand us complex introverts", and trying to dismiss what your friends say when they say they need you to adapt more (regardless of whether their request is reasonable or not) by saying that "you're an introvert, so you need to find introverted friends".
That's not how it works. People aren't introverts and extroverts, they act introverted and extroverted. Big distinction there.
From my personal experience, I think the problem is that you and your friends have different ideas of what friendship really is. Especially for a lot of people our age (I'm assuming you're in your 20's because of your reference to bars), our view of what a "proper" friendship is has been grossly inflated by media and the society we grew up in. Just look at any sitcom, for instance. Whenever a group of friends is featured, they always see each other every single day and have whacky and fun adventures with canned laughter and go out and have a blast on a daily basis.
Does that really work in real life? 99% of the time, no. As much as we'd like to put our friends first, the truth is we have other priorities and commitments. Our lives aren't scripted; we eventually run out of conversation. We don't have the energy to constantly put up with someone on a daily basis. And even if we did, it would get boring and flat after a short while anyway.
So in the end, it boils down to insecurity. A lot of us try to force our social lives into what we perceive to be an ideal. And because everyone does it, a lot of it is peer pressure. Don't tell me you haven't experienced this too: you see a group of friends walking down the street and laughing and seemingly having a blast, and you ask yourself, "why can't my relationships be like that too?" Don't be fooled. They're probably not having as much fun as you think they are.
Some of us are moderately successful. I have a close friend who's surrounded by people every hour of the day. I once stayed with her; she had people visiting her even until four AM in the morning, I am not kidding. She was stopped on the street every ten people for a conversation. She went out with friends practically every day, and knew every bar in her district like the back of her hand.
But was she satisfied? On that weekend, when I was walking down the street with her, I commented on how much of a social butterfly she was. She just scowled, looked at me, and said, "I really wish I never tried to make it this way. I don't really have any real friends at all. You're the only one I can talk to about anything real with. I'm just faking most of the time too, you know?" (And that's why I have reservations about the introvert/extrovert theory.)
I don't buy very much into what a lot of people say our social lives should look like. It sounds like you don't either.
So do the stuff that really does matter.
Once in a while, ask a friend out to coffee and have an intimate chat with them. Just one hour of talking about real things with them that actually matter to the both of you completely obliterates a full week of being around each other and talking about nothing.
Keep them in your thoughts and let them know that you're thinking of them occasionally through small gestures. Bake cookies and give it to them on a random day you see them, just because.
Keep your ears peeled and open and if anyone needs anything, be there to lend a hand.
Don't be afraid to ask them for favors. Everyone loves being relied upon.
Quality over quantity. Don't be fooled into what your friends are saying; they're probably just using you to bolster their own insecurity. In reality - it might not be what they want. Do they want a real friend, or do they want to turn you into yet another interchangeable clone-acquaintance that they can use to surround themselves with so it doesn't seem like they're alone at the bar?
posted by Conspire at 12:40 PM on January 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
That's not how it works. People aren't introverts and extroverts, they act introverted and extroverted. Big distinction there.
From my personal experience, I think the problem is that you and your friends have different ideas of what friendship really is. Especially for a lot of people our age (I'm assuming you're in your 20's because of your reference to bars), our view of what a "proper" friendship is has been grossly inflated by media and the society we grew up in. Just look at any sitcom, for instance. Whenever a group of friends is featured, they always see each other every single day and have whacky and fun adventures with canned laughter and go out and have a blast on a daily basis.
Does that really work in real life? 99% of the time, no. As much as we'd like to put our friends first, the truth is we have other priorities and commitments. Our lives aren't scripted; we eventually run out of conversation. We don't have the energy to constantly put up with someone on a daily basis. And even if we did, it would get boring and flat after a short while anyway.
So in the end, it boils down to insecurity. A lot of us try to force our social lives into what we perceive to be an ideal. And because everyone does it, a lot of it is peer pressure. Don't tell me you haven't experienced this too: you see a group of friends walking down the street and laughing and seemingly having a blast, and you ask yourself, "why can't my relationships be like that too?" Don't be fooled. They're probably not having as much fun as you think they are.
Some of us are moderately successful. I have a close friend who's surrounded by people every hour of the day. I once stayed with her; she had people visiting her even until four AM in the morning, I am not kidding. She was stopped on the street every ten people for a conversation. She went out with friends practically every day, and knew every bar in her district like the back of her hand.
But was she satisfied? On that weekend, when I was walking down the street with her, I commented on how much of a social butterfly she was. She just scowled, looked at me, and said, "I really wish I never tried to make it this way. I don't really have any real friends at all. You're the only one I can talk to about anything real with. I'm just faking most of the time too, you know?" (And that's why I have reservations about the introvert/extrovert theory.)
I don't buy very much into what a lot of people say our social lives should look like. It sounds like you don't either.
So do the stuff that really does matter.
Once in a while, ask a friend out to coffee and have an intimate chat with them. Just one hour of talking about real things with them that actually matter to the both of you completely obliterates a full week of being around each other and talking about nothing.
Keep them in your thoughts and let them know that you're thinking of them occasionally through small gestures. Bake cookies and give it to them on a random day you see them, just because.
Keep your ears peeled and open and if anyone needs anything, be there to lend a hand.
Don't be afraid to ask them for favors. Everyone loves being relied upon.
Quality over quantity. Don't be fooled into what your friends are saying; they're probably just using you to bolster their own insecurity. In reality - it might not be what they want. Do they want a real friend, or do they want to turn you into yet another interchangeable clone-acquaintance that they can use to surround themselves with so it doesn't seem like they're alone at the bar?
posted by Conspire at 12:40 PM on January 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you have friends, get out occasionally (couple times a week,) if you do things with other people like movies, parties occasionally, drinks, coffee, shopping, dancing, games, sports, whatever, and you make phone calls and just chat, you're gold.
If you always stay at home, avoid the phone, refuse to engage with new people at all, there's a problem.
Are you happy with your social life? If so, tell those people hassling you to bug off. I certainly don't want to be friends to all of the friends of my friends. I may talk to them if I see them, and I call many of them acquaintances, but most of my time is spent with those I enjoy being with. (And they are people who don't give me shit about being an introvert!)
posted by BlueHorse at 1:08 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you always stay at home, avoid the phone, refuse to engage with new people at all, there's a problem.
Are you happy with your social life? If so, tell those people hassling you to bug off. I certainly don't want to be friends to all of the friends of my friends. I may talk to them if I see them, and I call many of them acquaintances, but most of my time is spent with those I enjoy being with. (And they are people who don't give me shit about being an introvert!)
posted by BlueHorse at 1:08 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Friends and family have sometimes expressed similar concerns to me. I like to confuse them by explaining that just because I'm all by myself doesn't mean I'm not having a party.
posted by Corvid at 1:44 PM on January 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Corvid at 1:44 PM on January 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
I've been a lifelong loner. I'm actually extremely social...with people I trust and want to be in the company of. It's not a lot of people, but I trust them completely.
It turns out that you don't actually have to put up with a lot of social BS most people kind of take for granted. It makes life wonderfully non-complicated.
And for the obligatory quote, which I try to live by when circumstances allow:
"You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die."
-Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune
There are plenty of like-minded people who feel exactly the same as you do...you just don't hear them talk about it constantly, for obvious reasons.
I've gone to bars a bunch of times now, usually for a happy hour with friends, and while I enjoy the company of my friends, I don't actually like bars, drinking, or large crowds of people I don't know. Doesn't do it for me. And I know I'm not the only one.
Don't let people who don't understand you judge you too harshly. By the same token, cut them some slack for not understanding.
posted by Strudel at 2:33 PM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
It turns out that you don't actually have to put up with a lot of social BS most people kind of take for granted. It makes life wonderfully non-complicated.
And for the obligatory quote, which I try to live by when circumstances allow:
"You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die."
-Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune
There are plenty of like-minded people who feel exactly the same as you do...you just don't hear them talk about it constantly, for obvious reasons.
I've gone to bars a bunch of times now, usually for a happy hour with friends, and while I enjoy the company of my friends, I don't actually like bars, drinking, or large crowds of people I don't know. Doesn't do it for me. And I know I'm not the only one.
Don't let people who don't understand you judge you too harshly. By the same token, cut them some slack for not understanding.
posted by Strudel at 2:33 PM on January 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Without knowing more details, it's hard to make a judgment, but I don't really buy this introvert/extrovert thing either. When you get together with your friends and your friends' friends at a bar, do you sit in silence with you discomfort on display for all to see and not making conversation with anyone but your close friends, who you get a bit annoyed with for giving attention to others? Do you sulk about at your friends' parties, not talking with anyone else other than the host? Then, yes, I'd start to get kind of annoyed with you, as well.
Mostly, the real question is whether you're happy. Maybe you need friends that you ONLY really see in one-on-one situations, rather than gatherings at a bar or dinner party where you don't know others. But if you can't be a good "guest" at these gatherings, then your friends are going to be less likely to invite you, because it's not only that you might be uncomfortable with these strangers, but your obvious discomfort is makin your friends uncomfortable.
posted by deanc at 3:45 PM on January 14, 2012
Mostly, the real question is whether you're happy. Maybe you need friends that you ONLY really see in one-on-one situations, rather than gatherings at a bar or dinner party where you don't know others. But if you can't be a good "guest" at these gatherings, then your friends are going to be less likely to invite you, because it's not only that you might be uncomfortable with these strangers, but your obvious discomfort is makin your friends uncomfortable.
posted by deanc at 3:45 PM on January 14, 2012
Two people in my life are very comfortable with the few selected friends they have already and have no desire or interest to seek more friends. They tend to be very quiet around new or semi-familiar people, as well as taking a lot longer to open up or trust someone. They generally become friends with people through repeated exposure (volunteering, team sports, etc) and even then, the ratio of new friends to how many people they see or know is very, very low. However, they are very happy with their lives and friends.
You might fall in the same category of feeling content with friends you already have and have no desire to put in unnecessary energy in people who may or may not be worth getting to know better.
This is NOT a negative thing. These two people in my life are great people and treat their friends really well. If not family, then next best thing. I am honor to be in their small, selected group of people they considered as friends.
one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends
Perhaps I'm projecting but if you're anything like my two friends, then the reason why your friend is asking you this isn't due to you being socially awkward but may rather come from a positive place. I always thought - and still do think - that other people will love my two friends if they could just get to know them. Perhaps your friend is thinking the same thing.
posted by vocpanda at 7:17 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You might fall in the same category of feeling content with friends you already have and have no desire to put in unnecessary energy in people who may or may not be worth getting to know better.
This is NOT a negative thing. These two people in my life are great people and treat their friends really well. If not family, then next best thing. I am honor to be in their small, selected group of people they considered as friends.
one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends
Perhaps I'm projecting but if you're anything like my two friends, then the reason why your friend is asking you this isn't due to you being socially awkward but may rather come from a positive place. I always thought - and still do think - that other people will love my two friends if they could just get to know them. Perhaps your friend is thinking the same thing.
posted by vocpanda at 7:17 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
For example, one friend wonders why I haven't got to be friends with all of his friends. Usually it's no problem and everyone gets along, but with me, nope.
do you mean that you can't even get along with his friends when you're in a large group, or is he confused that you are not having coffee dates with them when he isn't there? If you're actually difficult to have around his other friends, then that isn't just 'introvert'.
posted by jacalata at 8:05 PM on January 14, 2012
do you mean that you can't even get along with his friends when you're in a large group, or is he confused that you are not having coffee dates with them when he isn't there? If you're actually difficult to have around his other friends, then that isn't just 'introvert'.
posted by jacalata at 8:05 PM on January 14, 2012
A favourite MeFi source for info on introversion is this article: Caring for Your Introvert. Email the link to your friend or print it out and have him read it.
PS: There's nothing wrong with you says this introvert.
posted by deborah at 10:14 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
PS: There's nothing wrong with you says this introvert.
posted by deborah at 10:14 PM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's true that it really doesn't make much sense to be at a bar, party or formal situation and NOT actually "be there" mentally and socialize. I have trouble with formal situations because they're so forced, yes. But not always. But people change in large groups, the way everyone is social is different. And usually the way of talking changes as well. In this case, it was like he wanted me to become friends with his friends so much, and talked a lot and tried to make it happen, that I couldn't actually get to know them on my own terms; only because of his goodwill! Strange huh?
But in some cases, not always, but in some, I'm very uncomfortable in these situations, and just feel like leaving. I don't know what it is. I just feel really bad and get inside my head an feel a huge pressure and judgement. And I get so tired of the "game" of it all. And I'm ultimately aware of these thoughts IN the situation, so that I intuitively don't enjoy them. I just want to leave suddenly, out of the blue. Just leave. Ususally I go to the toilet, and try to do a "reset", go back, and try to engage more, but it doesn't always work. So I feel guilty and like crap afterwards, like something's wrong with me.
So when I get accused like this by friends, I realize that they notice this. So then I feel even worse.
And this rarely happens with one-on-one. Also, even when you're 3 together, there's already small battles going on that tire me and I often think "why can't we just chill instead of competing?".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 1:38 AM on January 15, 2012
But in some cases, not always, but in some, I'm very uncomfortable in these situations, and just feel like leaving. I don't know what it is. I just feel really bad and get inside my head an feel a huge pressure and judgement. And I get so tired of the "game" of it all. And I'm ultimately aware of these thoughts IN the situation, so that I intuitively don't enjoy them. I just want to leave suddenly, out of the blue. Just leave. Ususally I go to the toilet, and try to do a "reset", go back, and try to engage more, but it doesn't always work. So I feel guilty and like crap afterwards, like something's wrong with me.
So when I get accused like this by friends, I realize that they notice this. So then I feel even worse.
And this rarely happens with one-on-one. Also, even when you're 3 together, there's already small battles going on that tire me and I often think "why can't we just chill instead of competing?".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 1:38 AM on January 15, 2012
Response by poster: But what's my choice here? I can't just abandon my friends because of this, that would be stupid. But them telling me that I'm a compromise to be with, and that it annoys them that I'm so "limited" is very annoying. It's like "yeah well, you're definately NOT a perfect friend, so we just have to accept that you're like that, though we'd really like you to be different".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 1:49 AM on January 15, 2012
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 1:49 AM on January 15, 2012
Well, if your friends really do mean to criticise you for the way you are, because they think it's spoiling their fun or something, then I am really in the "get new friends" camp.
But it's possible that they just mean "We really enjoy spending time with you, we'd like to do more of it, but we feel bad for you when we see you looking awkward in the corner".
In which case perhaps you can be pro-active about what you want, and say "I like spending time with you too, but I really don't enjoy big parties and bars and all that; how about we go for a coffee on Saturday, just the three of us?", or "I don't feel like coming out drinking tonight, but I was thinking of going for a walk round the lake this weekend, do you want to come? - you could bring your dog?"
Also there is nothing wrong with leaving a party or bar early if you're not enjoying yourself.
posted by emilyw at 6:22 AM on January 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
But it's possible that they just mean "We really enjoy spending time with you, we'd like to do more of it, but we feel bad for you when we see you looking awkward in the corner".
In which case perhaps you can be pro-active about what you want, and say "I like spending time with you too, but I really don't enjoy big parties and bars and all that; how about we go for a coffee on Saturday, just the three of us?", or "I don't feel like coming out drinking tonight, but I was thinking of going for a walk round the lake this weekend, do you want to come? - you could bring your dog?"
Also there is nothing wrong with leaving a party or bar early if you're not enjoying yourself.
posted by emilyw at 6:22 AM on January 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
I was recently at a after work function that ended up with 75 people in a small area, and I had to step away and take a break because I was actually feeling nauseous. I had no less than 3 people come over to my empty corner of the room and ask what was wrong with me, and why didn't I want to be in the middle of the group having fun? I patiently explained (over and over) that it was a bit overwhelming for me to be in the middle of that huge group, and I needed a break.
My boss, who's also an introvert, actually chided me for not sticking it out like he did and just get through it. He said I don't participate enough in this kind of stuff. Well, screw that. I'm not going to make myself sick socializing with people I already spend 50 hours a week with. If that's a detriment to my career, so be it.
All you can do is gently explain to your friends that it's physically difficult to be with people all the time, that it's affecting you in a harmful way. That you prefer quality time with them, over quantity and that includes the number of people that you know, as well. If they are your friends, they will accept you as you are, not as they want you to be.
posted by lootie777 at 6:27 AM on January 15, 2012
My boss, who's also an introvert, actually chided me for not sticking it out like he did and just get through it. He said I don't participate enough in this kind of stuff. Well, screw that. I'm not going to make myself sick socializing with people I already spend 50 hours a week with. If that's a detriment to my career, so be it.
All you can do is gently explain to your friends that it's physically difficult to be with people all the time, that it's affecting you in a harmful way. That you prefer quality time with them, over quantity and that includes the number of people that you know, as well. If they are your friends, they will accept you as you are, not as they want you to be.
posted by lootie777 at 6:27 AM on January 15, 2012
Since this is coming from multiple people (I assume not all in the same friend group) the problem probably isn't with your friends. I think the best thing for you to do is to turn down invitations to large group events that you already know you don't enjoy, and counter with your own offers of quieter activities where you can spend more time one-on-one, or in a smaller group if you are meeting someone new. I do this with activities that I find more draining than fun - for example, I won't go clubbing unless it is a very special event for someone.
Also, you have a good technique of composing yourself in the bathroom (rather than going into a visible corner of the room, as lootie777 mentions, because that confusing because it is how some people seek additional attention). You can also give yourself a set time - all you have to do is be maximally friendly, and in 60 minutes you get to go home.
Also, keep in mind subtle signals that your friends may be giving you - often people don't want to spend an entire evening at a bar talking to only one person, and it can be exhausting for your one close friend to feel like they have to "babysit" you or else you give off outward signs of being miserable (whether or not those signs are intentional, they could be as simple as sitting by yourself staring into space).
Remember, social skills like talking to new people at a bar are skills, and they can be learned. They come natural to some people, but with practice virtually anyone can learn the basics.
posted by fermezporte at 11:58 AM on January 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, you have a good technique of composing yourself in the bathroom (rather than going into a visible corner of the room, as lootie777 mentions, because that confusing because it is how some people seek additional attention). You can also give yourself a set time - all you have to do is be maximally friendly, and in 60 minutes you get to go home.
Also, keep in mind subtle signals that your friends may be giving you - often people don't want to spend an entire evening at a bar talking to only one person, and it can be exhausting for your one close friend to feel like they have to "babysit" you or else you give off outward signs of being miserable (whether or not those signs are intentional, they could be as simple as sitting by yourself staring into space).
Remember, social skills like talking to new people at a bar are skills, and they can be learned. They come natural to some people, but with practice virtually anyone can learn the basics.
posted by fermezporte at 11:58 AM on January 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Regarding the "reset": I have to do the same thing among 20 or so of my family. These are people I know and am, for the most part, comfortable with. If I don't take the time to be away for a bit the stress can trigger a migraine. Even then sometimes the "reset" doesn't work and I just grit my teeth and try again in a little while. So yes, that is something to do to help. (I do get some flack about it from a couple family members. It's been explained to them and they refuse to understand, so fuck them. I do what I need to do to keep my sanity.)
As for what to do with your friend(s), give them a chance to read the link I posted above. If they can't understand, or at least respect, your idiosyncrasies and continue to harass you (because that's what this is), they aren't friends and "abandoning" them isn't silly. Friends support you, not harass you.
posted by deborah at 7:25 PM on January 15, 2012
As for what to do with your friend(s), give them a chance to read the link I posted above. If they can't understand, or at least respect, your idiosyncrasies and continue to harass you (because that's what this is), they aren't friends and "abandoning" them isn't silly. Friends support you, not harass you.
posted by deborah at 7:25 PM on January 15, 2012
Oh wow. We are totally similar. I'm a lone child too. And I think it does play a factor. I've always been comfortable being alone, doing solitary things at home. But when I started university, I began to have doubts about myself. A friend has hinted to me before what's the point of being at uni if you're not making a ton of friends. So I started comparing myself constantly to my other friends who always have people around them. It only made me miserable.
There's nothing wrong with you. I like emilyw's advice that YOU could make the suggestions for outings/activities instead. You mentioned that you're most comfortable with one-on-one situations. So why not go along that line? Just think: time spent with that one friend will always be that something special only the 2 of us share. Remember, quality over quantity!
posted by the borneo kid at 4:35 AM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with you. I like emilyw's advice that YOU could make the suggestions for outings/activities instead. You mentioned that you're most comfortable with one-on-one situations. So why not go along that line? Just think: time spent with that one friend will always be that something special only the 2 of us share. Remember, quality over quantity!
posted by the borneo kid at 4:35 AM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just to follow-up and end this I have a few closing comments.
I realized:
That I don't need as much company as some of my friends. I need peace and quiet time to "find" myself, after I've been social a lot; if I don't I sort of lose myself.
That people who talk a LOT dominate; I need to be around people who actually listen to what I have to say, but who also respect that there isn't one truth to the world, and that my "needs" and their "needs" might differ - someone who can respect that I don't have a need for constant events or being social in order to feel good.
I relied too much on 2 things: 1 - being accepted by my friends.
And 2: The most important of all: Thinking too much about what to think about at all times in order to converse and be sociable/connect to others. What I realized is that I shouldn't think about what to think. I should instead stop thinking about some things constantly, in order to have a more open mind. For example, waking up in the morning, thinking about music or a hobby, or looking forward to watch movies all day - those kind of forced thoughts could fill up my mind, preventing me from being open. What I have learned is that I have to stop myself going into these mental closed loops. The result is that I open up to people. I "sense" others or "connect" more; also by looking in eyes and focusing on the conversation rather than this constant "meta-angle".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 5:59 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
I realized:
That I don't need as much company as some of my friends. I need peace and quiet time to "find" myself, after I've been social a lot; if I don't I sort of lose myself.
That people who talk a LOT dominate; I need to be around people who actually listen to what I have to say, but who also respect that there isn't one truth to the world, and that my "needs" and their "needs" might differ - someone who can respect that I don't have a need for constant events or being social in order to feel good.
I relied too much on 2 things: 1 - being accepted by my friends.
And 2: The most important of all: Thinking too much about what to think about at all times in order to converse and be sociable/connect to others. What I realized is that I shouldn't think about what to think. I should instead stop thinking about some things constantly, in order to have a more open mind. For example, waking up in the morning, thinking about music or a hobby, or looking forward to watch movies all day - those kind of forced thoughts could fill up my mind, preventing me from being open. What I have learned is that I have to stop myself going into these mental closed loops. The result is that I open up to people. I "sense" others or "connect" more; also by looking in eyes and focusing on the conversation rather than this constant "meta-angle".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 5:59 AM on February 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:10 AM on January 14, 2012 [1 favorite]