Am I really a terrible wife?
October 26, 2010 7:49 AM Subscribe
My husband is on a new psychiatric medication and he is now convinced that he was abused as a child. I am not sure... and it is tearing us apart right now.
Oh boy. This is a hard question to ask, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry that this is so long.
My husband has been suffering for a long time with several psychological issues. He has had OCD since he was a child, as does his entire immediate family (although my husband has somewhat worse symptoms than the rest of his family). For the last six years or so, he has also suffered from anxiety that has been quite bad at times. The anxiety was originally brought on by a difficult work situation. He has been taking clonazepam since then to manage this. (Although, I should also add that he has probably had anxiety in some form since childhood.)
He eventually went back to school and was doing well for awhile. There were some difficult times starting two years ago, though, regarding a particular program he was taking in school, and this caused him to feel some depression. His psychiatrist tried several different medications and he eventually settled on Lexapro about a year and a half ago. This has helped him a bit, but hasn't relieved all his symptoms. Basically, it was helping him cope but he still felt up and down a lot. However his school situation has improved a lot, as he started a new professional program in September.
Recently he has been feeling depressed and was concerned that the Lexapro was no longer helping as much. His doctor initially upped the dosage, but this just made him feel weird. So last Thursday, she prescribed Wellbutrin as an adjunct to the Lexapro.
This had an immediate effect on him. He felt like his mind was clearing. On Friday night, he did some meditation to help clear his mind even further. Saturday evening, he finally told me that after this meditation his mind completely cleared and he realized that he was probably sexually abused at a young age (4-5 years old), and this explains all his symptoms since childhood. He had been searching on the internet and felt that this was extremely likely.
Okay, now I'll give you some background on my husband's family and our marriage. His family is a little bit distant, but they are basically great people. My husband is the middle of three children. His parents have OCD, as I mentioned, but they cope quite well with it and we all get along pretty well. His siblings also have mild OCD but are high achievers and good people. My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years, although we married quite young (early 20s). We are very close to each other and very much in love. I come from a very broken home and feel incredibly lucky to have found such a loving husband who really understands me.
However, the one issue in our marriage is that we basically do not have sex. My husband becomes very insecure and nervous when we start to, so we just don't anymore. This is somewhat frustrating to me, but I've really accepted it over the years because the rest of our relationship is fantastic. I don't have the highest sex drive in the world, so I don't find it to be a huge hardship.
Anyway, back to the story. My husband says that this sexual abuse also explains the sex issue, since he must have been traumatized sexually. I was initially shocked, because he has caring parents who were not exactly absent throughout his childhood. However, he said that it could have been an isolated incident when visiting his large extended family. I thought this was plausible, and so I believed him because he seemed so sure about it. He emailed his mother to ask if she could remember anything unusual around that time of his life, but she could not. She seemed quite sure that this never happened.
Yesterday, when I was at work I received a long email from my husband. In it, he calmly and clearly told me that he had been searching more on the internet, and he was absolutely sure that he actually had a dissociated personality in him that was stuck at 3-4 years old. He said that this explained even further all his behavior over the years.
This was a red flag for me. Someone in my immediate family has dissociative identity disorder, so I am very acquainted with the symptoms and the extreme rarity of the diagnosis. I know that my husband does not have this.... it takes extreme trauma over a sustained period of time to create a new "personality". I replied to his email explaining why I was skeptical, and he seemed to understand and withdraw this latest belief.
However, the way that he had explained in the email how he was "sure" that he had a dissociated personality threw some doubt on his initial claim of sexual abuse for me. I'm just not sure if this belief is a side effect of his new medication. He tends to be very sensitive in general, and I'm afraid that reading stuff on the internet has swayed his mind and memories.
He is going to see his psychiatrist on Wednesday. However, on Monday he went to the "on-call" service at his clinic and saw another psychiatrist in the meantime. The psych took down all his information and said that she would pass it along to his doctor. Now he is convinced that the psych believed him and that this further corroborates that the abuse happened.
Last night, we had a long discussion about my doubt. It was more of an argument. He is very distraught that I don't "trust" him. I still just don't know if the abuse is real or if the new medication is causing some paranoia. I feel terrible because I don't know if I should just believe him.
The doubt is further compounded because his family is very stable and loving, so he thinks this was an isolated incident... but he keeps coming up with more things that are entirely explained by this isolated abuse. For example, he says that he has "somatic memory" because when he is upset he curls into a ball - this makes him cover up his genital area since he is in the fetal position. He says that this must be because he was trying to escape the abuse and protect his genital area.
I just don't know what to do. I'm looking for outside perspectives... does my husband's revelation about his childhood sound likely to you? I keep going back and forth about whether I believe that this happened. Does this sound like a possible side effect of Wellbutrin? I'm not very educated about its effects.
Any help is appreciated. I hope this doesn't sound too crazy. I'm just looking for some guidance because I can't make up my mind about whether this is real. I feel like a terrible wife since I can't just believe him right away. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry for the length.
Oh boy. This is a hard question to ask, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry that this is so long.
My husband has been suffering for a long time with several psychological issues. He has had OCD since he was a child, as does his entire immediate family (although my husband has somewhat worse symptoms than the rest of his family). For the last six years or so, he has also suffered from anxiety that has been quite bad at times. The anxiety was originally brought on by a difficult work situation. He has been taking clonazepam since then to manage this. (Although, I should also add that he has probably had anxiety in some form since childhood.)
He eventually went back to school and was doing well for awhile. There were some difficult times starting two years ago, though, regarding a particular program he was taking in school, and this caused him to feel some depression. His psychiatrist tried several different medications and he eventually settled on Lexapro about a year and a half ago. This has helped him a bit, but hasn't relieved all his symptoms. Basically, it was helping him cope but he still felt up and down a lot. However his school situation has improved a lot, as he started a new professional program in September.
Recently he has been feeling depressed and was concerned that the Lexapro was no longer helping as much. His doctor initially upped the dosage, but this just made him feel weird. So last Thursday, she prescribed Wellbutrin as an adjunct to the Lexapro.
This had an immediate effect on him. He felt like his mind was clearing. On Friday night, he did some meditation to help clear his mind even further. Saturday evening, he finally told me that after this meditation his mind completely cleared and he realized that he was probably sexually abused at a young age (4-5 years old), and this explains all his symptoms since childhood. He had been searching on the internet and felt that this was extremely likely.
Okay, now I'll give you some background on my husband's family and our marriage. His family is a little bit distant, but they are basically great people. My husband is the middle of three children. His parents have OCD, as I mentioned, but they cope quite well with it and we all get along pretty well. His siblings also have mild OCD but are high achievers and good people. My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years, although we married quite young (early 20s). We are very close to each other and very much in love. I come from a very broken home and feel incredibly lucky to have found such a loving husband who really understands me.
However, the one issue in our marriage is that we basically do not have sex. My husband becomes very insecure and nervous when we start to, so we just don't anymore. This is somewhat frustrating to me, but I've really accepted it over the years because the rest of our relationship is fantastic. I don't have the highest sex drive in the world, so I don't find it to be a huge hardship.
Anyway, back to the story. My husband says that this sexual abuse also explains the sex issue, since he must have been traumatized sexually. I was initially shocked, because he has caring parents who were not exactly absent throughout his childhood. However, he said that it could have been an isolated incident when visiting his large extended family. I thought this was plausible, and so I believed him because he seemed so sure about it. He emailed his mother to ask if she could remember anything unusual around that time of his life, but she could not. She seemed quite sure that this never happened.
Yesterday, when I was at work I received a long email from my husband. In it, he calmly and clearly told me that he had been searching more on the internet, and he was absolutely sure that he actually had a dissociated personality in him that was stuck at 3-4 years old. He said that this explained even further all his behavior over the years.
This was a red flag for me. Someone in my immediate family has dissociative identity disorder, so I am very acquainted with the symptoms and the extreme rarity of the diagnosis. I know that my husband does not have this.... it takes extreme trauma over a sustained period of time to create a new "personality". I replied to his email explaining why I was skeptical, and he seemed to understand and withdraw this latest belief.
However, the way that he had explained in the email how he was "sure" that he had a dissociated personality threw some doubt on his initial claim of sexual abuse for me. I'm just not sure if this belief is a side effect of his new medication. He tends to be very sensitive in general, and I'm afraid that reading stuff on the internet has swayed his mind and memories.
He is going to see his psychiatrist on Wednesday. However, on Monday he went to the "on-call" service at his clinic and saw another psychiatrist in the meantime. The psych took down all his information and said that she would pass it along to his doctor. Now he is convinced that the psych believed him and that this further corroborates that the abuse happened.
Last night, we had a long discussion about my doubt. It was more of an argument. He is very distraught that I don't "trust" him. I still just don't know if the abuse is real or if the new medication is causing some paranoia. I feel terrible because I don't know if I should just believe him.
The doubt is further compounded because his family is very stable and loving, so he thinks this was an isolated incident... but he keeps coming up with more things that are entirely explained by this isolated abuse. For example, he says that he has "somatic memory" because when he is upset he curls into a ball - this makes him cover up his genital area since he is in the fetal position. He says that this must be because he was trying to escape the abuse and protect his genital area.
I just don't know what to do. I'm looking for outside perspectives... does my husband's revelation about his childhood sound likely to you? I keep going back and forth about whether I believe that this happened. Does this sound like a possible side effect of Wellbutrin? I'm not very educated about its effects.
Any help is appreciated. I hope this doesn't sound too crazy. I'm just looking for some guidance because I can't make up my mind about whether this is real. I feel like a terrible wife since I can't just believe him right away. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry for the length.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You may be interested in the memoir My Lie by Meredith Maran (excerpt on Salon), which is by a woman who wrongly accused her father of sexual abuse.
posted by purpleclover at 8:01 AM on October 26, 2010
You may be interested in the memoir My Lie by Meredith Maran (excerpt on Salon), which is by a woman who wrongly accused her father of sexual abuse.
posted by purpleclover at 8:01 AM on October 26, 2010
It seems he's really looking hard for what's wrong with him and he's looking online for answers and, like first year medical students, he has all the symptoms of what he reads.
It's understandable and there's no way for you to know if what he says happened actually happened. But you're his wife and he believes it to be true, so you support his continued mental care. Perhaps you also need to see someone, too, to get a better handle on how to approach this in the best way to help him with his treatment.
All the best.
posted by inturnaround at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010
It's understandable and there's no way for you to know if what he says happened actually happened. But you're his wife and he believes it to be true, so you support his continued mental care. Perhaps you also need to see someone, too, to get a better handle on how to approach this in the best way to help him with his treatment.
All the best.
posted by inturnaround at 8:03 AM on October 26, 2010
Whoa, whoa, whoa... there are so many red flags here that I expect to see an Indy car zip by.
Your husband's abuse may or may not have happened - there is probably no way to be TOTALLY sure. I'd be as supportive as I could for the time being. BUT...
... what concerns me is that several DAYS after starting a new psychoactive med, your husband is suddenly an explosive geyser of repressed memories and self-diagnosis. IANAD, nor am I a therapist, but antidepressants' helpful properties usually take a bit of time to kick in (it even says so on the packaging!). The extreme effects your husband is experiencing sound more like... I dunno, but something for a legit psychiatrist to look very closely at.
TL,DR: major personality shifts within several days of starting a new med: this situation needs to be addressed by hubs' shrink on an urgent basis.
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:05 AM on October 26, 2010 [24 favorites]
Your husband's abuse may or may not have happened - there is probably no way to be TOTALLY sure. I'd be as supportive as I could for the time being. BUT...
... what concerns me is that several DAYS after starting a new psychoactive med, your husband is suddenly an explosive geyser of repressed memories and self-diagnosis. IANAD, nor am I a therapist, but antidepressants' helpful properties usually take a bit of time to kick in (it even says so on the packaging!). The extreme effects your husband is experiencing sound more like... I dunno, but something for a legit psychiatrist to look very closely at.
TL,DR: major personality shifts within several days of starting a new med: this situation needs to be addressed by hubs' shrink on an urgent basis.
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:05 AM on October 26, 2010 [24 favorites]
He doesn't necessarily need your belief right now - he needs your nonjudgmental support. That's why this is a conflict - it's not about the facts, it's because he came to you worried about a possible impact of (possible) past trauma, and you told him "no, you're wrong." In the short term, say you'll support him as he sorts this out and then do so. If he demands your belief, then you can choose a weasel answer like "I want to understand what you're going through."
In the longer run, you can remain a stable influence on him. If a professional (which I take it you are not) says he does not have a dissociated personality, then you will have a fine line to walk between loving and supporting him, and not giving credence to everything he read on WebMD. But for now, focus on being the supportive person you've always been, and you can help him keep his facts straight as this goes on.
Your instinct may be right since you are familiar with the condition. But let the professionals do the initial diagnosing / naysaying - you can be the supporter and gently guide him back to reality with the professional's help. And while he may not have dissociated personality, perhaps there IS something there that he's just learning about, and you don't want to be the one to say "absolutely not" before he's had a chance to investigate.
posted by Tehhund at 8:09 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
In the longer run, you can remain a stable influence on him. If a professional (which I take it you are not) says he does not have a dissociated personality, then you will have a fine line to walk between loving and supporting him, and not giving credence to everything he read on WebMD. But for now, focus on being the supportive person you've always been, and you can help him keep his facts straight as this goes on.
Your instinct may be right since you are familiar with the condition. But let the professionals do the initial diagnosing / naysaying - you can be the supporter and gently guide him back to reality with the professional's help. And while he may not have dissociated personality, perhaps there IS something there that he's just learning about, and you don't want to be the one to say "absolutely not" before he's had a chance to investigate.
posted by Tehhund at 8:09 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
He's looking for answers, and the internet has provided him with something he can latch on to - and having latched, he goes looking for more on the topic and has a massive confirmation bias for everything he finds. This sort of thing can happen with any illness, not just a mental illness. I spend a lot of time biting my tongue around a friend who's convinced that 'Cosmic Ordering' has cured her CFS - I know this is a lot less serious than allegations of abuse, but it's the same principle: she's convinced she's found The Answer, and I'm... not. But there is no point in arguing.
Basically, bite your tongue and be supportive. From the story you've told I share your doubts (which is not to say that it didn't happen) - but there's nothing to gain from arguing the toss.
Where biting your tongue may not be an option:
- there are repercussions in the family. It seems like his family are taking this in their stride, but recovered memories of abuse can tear families apart. If it looks like this is happening then you might need to talk to him and his doctor about where these memories/theories have surfaced from, to know where you stand.
- this is the start of a manic or hypomanic episode. This isn't because of the subject of his memories, but more his sudden clarity and apparent enthusiasm for the subject after starting Wellbutrin. A number of antidepressants (including Wellbutrin) may trigger a manic/hypomanic episode. Link with symptoms of mania and hypomania.
On preview: julthumbscrew is totally right about the antidepressant effects of antidepressants taking a while to kick in - it's typically two weeks, or thereabouts. This change in a couple of days could well need a psychiatrist to have a look at him.
posted by Coobeastie at 8:16 AM on October 26, 2010
Basically, bite your tongue and be supportive. From the story you've told I share your doubts (which is not to say that it didn't happen) - but there's nothing to gain from arguing the toss.
Where biting your tongue may not be an option:
- there are repercussions in the family. It seems like his family are taking this in their stride, but recovered memories of abuse can tear families apart. If it looks like this is happening then you might need to talk to him and his doctor about where these memories/theories have surfaced from, to know where you stand.
- this is the start of a manic or hypomanic episode. This isn't because of the subject of his memories, but more his sudden clarity and apparent enthusiasm for the subject after starting Wellbutrin. A number of antidepressants (including Wellbutrin) may trigger a manic/hypomanic episode. Link with symptoms of mania and hypomania.
On preview: julthumbscrew is totally right about the antidepressant effects of antidepressants taking a while to kick in - it's typically two weeks, or thereabouts. This change in a couple of days could well need a psychiatrist to have a look at him.
posted by Coobeastie at 8:16 AM on October 26, 2010
Do you see a therapist? It could be very helpful for you to discuss this all with one, and couples therapy might also be helpful. It doesn't sound like arguing with him about his self-diagnosis is going to help either of you.
Good luck.
posted by mareli at 8:16 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good luck.
posted by mareli at 8:16 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
It does sound like he wants a "reason" he is the way he is, and saying that childhood sexual abuse is the culprit probably makes him feel a lot better about himself because then it's not his fault (although it really isn't his fault!) Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't, but it seems like coming to this conclusion after meditating is self-delusion. People can be convinced by therapists that they have repressed memories of abuse, and I am sure a person can convince himself of the same if he wants to believe it badly enough.
My advice would be to support him as much as possible without actually agreeing, and sort this out with his doctor.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:20 AM on October 26, 2010
My advice would be to support him as much as possible without actually agreeing, and sort this out with his doctor.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:20 AM on October 26, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for the responses so far.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:22 AM on October 26, 2010
I just want to address something that a few people have brought up. I DO support my husband, 100%. I’ve told him that I support him no matter what. I’ve even said that I think it is a strong possibility that he was abused, and that the important thing is that he thinks it's true and that he should get help from his psych. Our only conflict comes because he keeps asking me if I “believe” him. Because I don’t want to be dishonest, when he asked me again last night I told him last night that I’m not 100% sure that the abuse happened. In fact, I had been sure that it happened until he sent me that crazy email yesterday.
He is just very fixated on whether or not I "believe" him, which is a question I can't answer. He says this is a terrible betrayal of trust. He won't move on and treat me normally because he is so fixated on this issue. That's why I feel like a terrible wife.... he says that he can't believe this since he would automatically believe anything I said. And I would be 100% believing him, if it weren't for the fact that he just started on a new med... I'm just a little concerned.
Also, he has acknowledged that he does not have a dissociated personality… he says that he just was tired and confused when he wrote that email.
I'm with julthumbscrew. He needs to think of this more of a bizarre personality shift. How did he come to the conclusion that he was abused? Did he dream about it? Or is it just a list of symptoms he has?
Also: I am on Lexapro, too. The weirdest side effect yet, for me, is the bizarro dreams. No, I haven't had incest dreams, but whatever I'm anxious about usually comes through in my dreams. I had one the other night in which my awesome dog and even awesomer fiance were both eaten by White Siberian Tigers. The next day I had dream in which I made out with a female childhood friend, and then the day after I dreamed that I was riding on the back of a T-Rex.
They're all amazingly vivid, too. None of that actually happened, obviously, but if I was a bit more vulnerable I might believe that I actually made out with my friend when we were kids. Who knows. The point is, he should be thinking (and talking to his psychiatrist) about this with less certainty and more critically. He's on TWO prescription drugs for anxiety, one of which he just started. All kinds of things could be going on.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:25 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also: I am on Lexapro, too. The weirdest side effect yet, for me, is the bizarro dreams. No, I haven't had incest dreams, but whatever I'm anxious about usually comes through in my dreams. I had one the other night in which my awesome dog and even awesomer fiance were both eaten by White Siberian Tigers. The next day I had dream in which I made out with a female childhood friend, and then the day after I dreamed that I was riding on the back of a T-Rex.
They're all amazingly vivid, too. None of that actually happened, obviously, but if I was a bit more vulnerable I might believe that I actually made out with my friend when we were kids. Who knows. The point is, he should be thinking (and talking to his psychiatrist) about this with less certainty and more critically. He's on TWO prescription drugs for anxiety, one of which he just started. All kinds of things could be going on.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:25 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't have too many suggestions for you regarding how to handle your husband, but I do have experience with Wellbutrin. While trying to find a psych med that worked for me and after going through several SSRIs that weren't working, my doctor tried Wellbutrin in addition to a low dose SSRI. In about two days my depression went away and I felt great. Then I became manic and started experiencing paranoia. I was hearing things and thought people were breaking into my house. My boyfriend at the time contacted my psych who immediately stopped the wellbutrin and I became better in a day or two. It was very scary and my doc explained to me that I am sensitive to dopamine which is apparently the chemical the wellbutrin acts on and that what I had experienced was similar to what some schizophrenics experience. (Schizophrenia has something to do with dopamine) I was only on the beginning dosage. I am not trying to negate his claims of abuse, but if his behavior is abnormal after switching the meds, it sounds like his doctor should be involved immediately. My experience is the medication is not to be taken lightly.
posted by heatherly at 8:36 AM on October 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by heatherly at 8:36 AM on October 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
Something for the OP to consider (I get that there's a LOT going on, but...):
He won't move on and treat me normally because he is so fixated on this issue.
Speaking as someone who's lived with someone with severe OCD, this sounds like a very, very OCD thing to do. Your husband is stressed, and when those in my life with OCD got really stressed, they have always obsessed about one particular thing.
Maybe right now, the OCD is asking if you believe him (this really seems like a classic "reassurance seeking" form of OCD).
But he needs to talk to someone asap; you should, too. Good luck.
posted by dzaz at 8:42 AM on October 26, 2010
He won't move on and treat me normally because he is so fixated on this issue.
Speaking as someone who's lived with someone with severe OCD, this sounds like a very, very OCD thing to do. Your husband is stressed, and when those in my life with OCD got really stressed, they have always obsessed about one particular thing.
Maybe right now, the OCD is asking if you believe him (this really seems like a classic "reassurance seeking" form of OCD).
But he needs to talk to someone asap; you should, too. Good luck.
posted by dzaz at 8:42 AM on October 26, 2010
In about two days my depression went away and I felt great. Then I became manic and started experiencing paranoia. I was hearing things and thought people were breaking into my house.
I wasn't going to comment, since I only have an anecdote, but this exact same thing happened to a good friend's husband when he started Wellbutrin, right down to the thinking people were breaking into the house.
Is there any chance that you can either talk with his psych doc prior to Wed's appointment expressing concerns about the changes you see in him, or go with him to Wed's appointment. Sudden personality changes following a new drug are definitely a red flag to me.
posted by anastasiav at 8:43 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wasn't going to comment, since I only have an anecdote, but this exact same thing happened to a good friend's husband when he started Wellbutrin, right down to the thinking people were breaking into the house.
Is there any chance that you can either talk with his psych doc prior to Wed's appointment expressing concerns about the changes you see in him, or go with him to Wed's appointment. Sudden personality changes following a new drug are definitely a red flag to me.
posted by anastasiav at 8:43 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, you are not a terrible wife. You are a scared wife. You are not a terrible wife.
Repeat that a couple of times, let it sink in.
I've been in your husband's shoes and my husband has been in yours. Not with all of the same detail, of course. But the transition period of changing meds or ramping up can be chaotic, confusing, and disorienting. Our biochemistry, our cognition, our emotions and our physiological state are as closely connected as a Calder mobile. Touch one piece, and all of the other pieces move in some way. Take a medication, and all of the other pieces move.
It is frightening to be a patient in this situation, and frightening to be a spouse. There are few predictable pathways for how these med ramp ups go. And yes, I had weird, unspecific "memories" of being sexually abused during a med ramp up as well, by a childhood neighbor, when I was 4 or 5. I can't tell you where or what happened. I just had this sense that something happened and the fact that I couldn't remember the specifics or get confirmation from any family members was maddening. I latched on to that and felt that if I could JUST FIND OUT that all of the pieces would fall into place and everything would be okay. It was emotionally upsetting to the family members that I confided within, and there was no real way to figure out if it did or didn't happen, or if I remember something quite innocent as something sinister, or if I was protecting a nightmare backwards as a "memory." A very wise therapist gently asked me, "Whether it happened or not, and it might have--you'll never really know--what do you need to do about it now in order to move past it?" I struggled with the answer to that question, because I was more interested in staying right where I was. It explained so much of an inexplicable, confusing life that the cause and effect of it was very seductive, as was being able to pin the origins of my depression on something outside of myself. That helped me to handle the fear that maybe all of this stuff was going on in my own head, and I would never be released from it. My fear that I couldn't say to my family, friends or spouse, "Please don't be frustrated with me, please understand me, this is something that is happening to me, I'm not trying to make life difficult for you." And, let's be honest, dealing with depressed and anxious people can be exhausting. They felt it, I knew it, I couldn't compartmentalize it, and I felt guilty for flailing around and trying to save myself knowing that it was affecting people who I loved and needed.
It's been over 10 years from that experience, and having been content on the right med doses for years now, I am amazed at how easy it is to live an everyday life. To get up, to shower, to enjoy work, to interact with people. Someone who met me during the worst of that episode--of switching to this med, then that med, going through withdrawal, going through ramping up--talked to me recently about their perception of me then and now. "You were in such pain, struggling to just function. And I didn't get it, I really didn't get how bad it was for you and completely against your will, until I see you now. " That was so generous to say, and I was very grateful.
What I found to be most helpful during the ramping up and withdrawal periods (both of which lasted 4-6 weeks for me each time) was to have a plan and work the plan. Keep a journal, write down all of the thoughts and emotions I was having, have thought through in advance what triggers were that indicated that I needed to ask for intervention from a therapist or doctor so I didn't have to agonize over decisions to call this person or that if I couldn't decide on asking for help. I needed structure and a schedule, even though it was almost physically painful to follow one. Every week at the same time, a massage. Every morning at the same time, wake up, get showered, get dressed. Make a list, check it off. Order health take out, eat lots of chicken soup, care for myself as if I had the flu. For 4-5 weeks at a time. Don't switch meds for that time period, give them a chance to work unless I simply could not bear a unexpected side effect. This helped me to map my response to different meds more clearly. Surround myself with people I trusted, who believed my confusion and emotional pain, even though they couldn't entirely understand it. And to push my spouse to line up caregiver support for himself, a therapist to talk with on their own, during my transition periods.
It is and it isn't like self-care during chemotherapy. All hands on deck, finite number of weeks of treatment, managing the symptoms and side effects until you can cross the date off of your calendar (and you'll keep engaging in self-care and healing after that, but those weeks of chemo or radiation are like a campaign in the war.) Just set those parameters and get through those 4-6 weeks however you can bear it. You AND him.
Be kind to yourself. This is scary for you, too.
posted by jeanmari at 8:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
Repeat that a couple of times, let it sink in.
I've been in your husband's shoes and my husband has been in yours. Not with all of the same detail, of course. But the transition period of changing meds or ramping up can be chaotic, confusing, and disorienting. Our biochemistry, our cognition, our emotions and our physiological state are as closely connected as a Calder mobile. Touch one piece, and all of the other pieces move in some way. Take a medication, and all of the other pieces move.
It is frightening to be a patient in this situation, and frightening to be a spouse. There are few predictable pathways for how these med ramp ups go. And yes, I had weird, unspecific "memories" of being sexually abused during a med ramp up as well, by a childhood neighbor, when I was 4 or 5. I can't tell you where or what happened. I just had this sense that something happened and the fact that I couldn't remember the specifics or get confirmation from any family members was maddening. I latched on to that and felt that if I could JUST FIND OUT that all of the pieces would fall into place and everything would be okay. It was emotionally upsetting to the family members that I confided within, and there was no real way to figure out if it did or didn't happen, or if I remember something quite innocent as something sinister, or if I was protecting a nightmare backwards as a "memory." A very wise therapist gently asked me, "Whether it happened or not, and it might have--you'll never really know--what do you need to do about it now in order to move past it?" I struggled with the answer to that question, because I was more interested in staying right where I was. It explained so much of an inexplicable, confusing life that the cause and effect of it was very seductive, as was being able to pin the origins of my depression on something outside of myself. That helped me to handle the fear that maybe all of this stuff was going on in my own head, and I would never be released from it. My fear that I couldn't say to my family, friends or spouse, "Please don't be frustrated with me, please understand me, this is something that is happening to me, I'm not trying to make life difficult for you." And, let's be honest, dealing with depressed and anxious people can be exhausting. They felt it, I knew it, I couldn't compartmentalize it, and I felt guilty for flailing around and trying to save myself knowing that it was affecting people who I loved and needed.
It's been over 10 years from that experience, and having been content on the right med doses for years now, I am amazed at how easy it is to live an everyday life. To get up, to shower, to enjoy work, to interact with people. Someone who met me during the worst of that episode--of switching to this med, then that med, going through withdrawal, going through ramping up--talked to me recently about their perception of me then and now. "You were in such pain, struggling to just function. And I didn't get it, I really didn't get how bad it was for you and completely against your will, until I see you now. " That was so generous to say, and I was very grateful.
What I found to be most helpful during the ramping up and withdrawal periods (both of which lasted 4-6 weeks for me each time) was to have a plan and work the plan. Keep a journal, write down all of the thoughts and emotions I was having, have thought through in advance what triggers were that indicated that I needed to ask for intervention from a therapist or doctor so I didn't have to agonize over decisions to call this person or that if I couldn't decide on asking for help. I needed structure and a schedule, even though it was almost physically painful to follow one. Every week at the same time, a massage. Every morning at the same time, wake up, get showered, get dressed. Make a list, check it off. Order health take out, eat lots of chicken soup, care for myself as if I had the flu. For 4-5 weeks at a time. Don't switch meds for that time period, give them a chance to work unless I simply could not bear a unexpected side effect. This helped me to map my response to different meds more clearly. Surround myself with people I trusted, who believed my confusion and emotional pain, even though they couldn't entirely understand it. And to push my spouse to line up caregiver support for himself, a therapist to talk with on their own, during my transition periods.
It is and it isn't like self-care during chemotherapy. All hands on deck, finite number of weeks of treatment, managing the symptoms and side effects until you can cross the date off of your calendar (and you'll keep engaging in self-care and healing after that, but those weeks of chemo or radiation are like a campaign in the war.) Just set those parameters and get through those 4-6 weeks however you can bear it. You AND him.
Be kind to yourself. This is scary for you, too.
posted by jeanmari at 8:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
More anecdotal data, sez me (IA Still NAD): among me and my circle of depressed peeps (and in actual clinical literature), Wellbutrin is known to potentially cause hypomanic or manic side effects. Which do not always take the form of "maxes out the family's credit cards on hookers and blow in Tijuana". While it often makes depression much better, it is not at ALL unheard of for it to make anxiety/OCD/underlying manic tendencies a helluva lot worse.
Yet another reason to call Dr. Shrink ASAP.
BTW, if you need help justifying your alarm to your husband, you can separate the abuse from the concern: "Honey, this is huge, startling news, and I'd love for you and me to work with a therapist to get to the bottom of it... but what has me IMMEDIATELY frightened is your behavioral changes SINCE STARTING THE WELLB."
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
Yet another reason to call Dr. Shrink ASAP.
BTW, if you need help justifying your alarm to your husband, you can separate the abuse from the concern: "Honey, this is huge, startling news, and I'd love for you and me to work with a therapist to get to the bottom of it... but what has me IMMEDIATELY frightened is your behavioral changes SINCE STARTING THE WELLB."
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:50 AM on October 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
Reading the followup, I think you handled it right - you support him 100%, but I don't see how you should be dishonest with him.
"I would believe something you said 100%" is the kind of thing that gets said during an argument and/or trying to convince someone else to believe you. He may think that it's true and he would, but almost no one believes someone else 100% - I have very, very dear friends who I would believe 99%, but I don't know about 100%.
You're not doing your husband any service if you say you believe him, and I don't think it would do him a service to believe anything 100% and blindly. I would want my partner to be cautious or skeptical when warranted - I think that's harder to do sometimes, and more of a loving gesture, than just reassuring.
And aside from that, this is a big thing, and coming right after a medication change plus some erratic behavior. It just doesn't ring totally right to me.
So bottom line, I don't think you're being a bad wife at all.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:19 AM on October 26, 2010
"I would believe something you said 100%" is the kind of thing that gets said during an argument and/or trying to convince someone else to believe you. He may think that it's true and he would, but almost no one believes someone else 100% - I have very, very dear friends who I would believe 99%, but I don't know about 100%.
You're not doing your husband any service if you say you believe him, and I don't think it would do him a service to believe anything 100% and blindly. I would want my partner to be cautious or skeptical when warranted - I think that's harder to do sometimes, and more of a loving gesture, than just reassuring.
And aside from that, this is a big thing, and coming right after a medication change plus some erratic behavior. It just doesn't ring totally right to me.
So bottom line, I don't think you're being a bad wife at all.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:19 AM on October 26, 2010
Regarding the two week kick in: wellbutrin is not an SSRI, and thus is not a typical antidepressant. It works primarily on dopamine, and the effects may kick in sooner. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I am a psychologist in training, and it does seem to effect people quicker, and more bizarrely, in my opinion.
As for repressed abuse memories, at this point in time, the mental health field does not believe they exist. Just my two cents.
posted by namesarehard at 10:24 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
As for repressed abuse memories, at this point in time, the mental health field does not believe they exist. Just my two cents.
posted by namesarehard at 10:24 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oy, I feel you on how difficult this is right now. I don't have any great advice to give because I'm still trying to figure out how to negotiate this sort of thing (20 years later!) with a loved one in my own life. You're still in the early stages, so I'm hoping that you can have a better outcome. Anyway, here's my story.
It started with one recovered memory when discussing sexual assault histories with a group of women in college. At the time she was supported/believed and accused perpetrator denied it. This loved one has been through many therapists and many treatments over the course of her life since then. Somehow a few years ago she ended up seeing a therapist who specialized in dissociative identity. Suddenly there was more and more talk of other recalled abuses. Systematic abuse. A diagnosis of PTSD and DID from these now recalled abuses. Abuses that I know didn't happen because I was there too. Insistence that she must be treated for this. I discovered via the internet that this therapist also sells training DVDs relating to her work with DID. Concurrent with this, the loved one's mental health has just gotten worse and worse. After many years of keeping a relatively even keel she went back into great swings between being very up and months of being so depressed she couldn't move. At this point I don't know what to do. I want to support her treatment and her figuring out how to manage her health. I believe that she truly believes these things happened. I also do not believe that they actually happened and worry that until that is unlocked, she's never going to get the treatment she needs. It seems like there is comfort from being able to point to an outside source for the causes of her mental health issues.
And here's the thing I hate to admit: I hate that I sorta resent her for causing me to no longer totally trust/believe stories of childhood abuse. I hate that I question memories. It's all really fucking confusing.
So that's my story and I hope you and your husband (and his family) have better luck with seeking out professional treatment. I don't have any great advice, other than to take care of yourself in all of this. If you need someone who has been through this sort of thing to listen to you, feel free to mefi mail me.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010
It started with one recovered memory when discussing sexual assault histories with a group of women in college. At the time she was supported/believed and accused perpetrator denied it. This loved one has been through many therapists and many treatments over the course of her life since then. Somehow a few years ago she ended up seeing a therapist who specialized in dissociative identity. Suddenly there was more and more talk of other recalled abuses. Systematic abuse. A diagnosis of PTSD and DID from these now recalled abuses. Abuses that I know didn't happen because I was there too. Insistence that she must be treated for this. I discovered via the internet that this therapist also sells training DVDs relating to her work with DID. Concurrent with this, the loved one's mental health has just gotten worse and worse. After many years of keeping a relatively even keel she went back into great swings between being very up and months of being so depressed she couldn't move. At this point I don't know what to do. I want to support her treatment and her figuring out how to manage her health. I believe that she truly believes these things happened. I also do not believe that they actually happened and worry that until that is unlocked, she's never going to get the treatment she needs. It seems like there is comfort from being able to point to an outside source for the causes of her mental health issues.
And here's the thing I hate to admit: I hate that I sorta resent her for causing me to no longer totally trust/believe stories of childhood abuse. I hate that I question memories. It's all really fucking confusing.
So that's my story and I hope you and your husband (and his family) have better luck with seeking out professional treatment. I don't have any great advice, other than to take care of yourself in all of this. If you need someone who has been through this sort of thing to listen to you, feel free to mefi mail me.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:47 AM on October 26, 2010
1. The google is not a good tool for self-diagnosis of mental disorders. It can help you determine if you have a physical injury or disorder, but psych stuff *really* has to be figured out by a competent, impartial professional. Take some time to help him realize this, and let his doctor(s) know that he's on about this stuff - with full details.
2. The need to have you "believe" him is a symptom! It suggests the possibility of paranoia (not all forms of paranoia are the same), and he might need more modification of his meds. No guarantees of that, IANAD, etc. Make sure his doctor(s) know that he's hung up about this - also with details. They'll hopefully figure it out.
posted by Citrus at 11:12 AM on October 26, 2010
2. The need to have you "believe" him is a symptom! It suggests the possibility of paranoia (not all forms of paranoia are the same), and he might need more modification of his meds. No guarantees of that, IANAD, etc. Make sure his doctor(s) know that he's hung up about this - also with details. They'll hopefully figure it out.
posted by Citrus at 11:12 AM on October 26, 2010
I think it is entirely possible that your husband experienced traumatic sexual abuse as a very young child that he can't quite remember AND this new medication is having undesirable effects. One thing is not dependent on the other.
It would drive me nuts too if I was having a significant life epiphany and my spouse didn't believe me. Try to separate the meds issue from this dramatic new insight. One doesn't negate the other.
posted by jbenben at 11:30 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
It would drive me nuts too if I was having a significant life epiphany and my spouse didn't believe me. Try to separate the meds issue from this dramatic new insight. One doesn't negate the other.
posted by jbenben at 11:30 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was in group therapy for a while and learned a few things about other people's therapy experiences. One fellow was, at one time, convinced he had been abused as a child but later realized this wasn't true. Our childhoods are hard to recall at all and a sudden revelation like this probably isn't factually true, but it's emotionally true for him right now. Give him time, and make sure he gets into talk therapy of some kind. You can support without believing.
posted by chairface at 11:45 AM on October 26, 2010
posted by chairface at 11:45 AM on October 26, 2010
"Sweetie, I support you completely, but I'm not a professional. I'm floundering here just like you are. A couple weeks ago, you didn't remember this; now, you do. Whatever support you need from me, I'll give you, but you need to understand that I can't say for certain what the truth is either way. It will probably take some time for me to absorb all of this, just as it's taking time for you. That doesn't mean I think you're a liar; it just means this is new to me, as it is for you."
[And understand that it can take YEARS to come to terms with this kind of thing, both for the victim, if he is one, and for those close to him.]
posted by torticat at 2:31 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
[And understand that it can take YEARS to come to terms with this kind of thing, both for the victim, if he is one, and for those close to him.]
posted by torticat at 2:31 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
From what you've written it sounds like you're buying into his need to have an answer on whether or not you "believe" that this is true, that it really happened. You feel like you need to "make up my mind about whether this is real."
My inclination is that you should try to separate the "believing" question from the "betrayal of trust" that he's feeling. Make it clear that you love him, you support him, and you trust that he is telling the truth that he is absolutely sure that it happened. But it's not your job to judge whether or not it actually did happen. You're not 100% sure-- not because you think he's lying, not because you don't trust him, but because you can't know for sure because you weren't there-- and you will probably never be 100% sure. But getting into whether you are 99% sure or 90% sure or 50% sure is beside the point, and letting that be what the argument is about is likely to make both of you miserable. Maybe you can try to get him to tell you why it matters to him whether you're 100% sure it really happened? If he says "because if you're not it means you think I'm lying" or "because if you're not it means you think I'm crazy," etc, then maybe you can tackle those reasons-- "I really don't think you're lying, I promise, I definitely believe 100% that what you've told me is what you're honestly thinking and feeling."
Disclaimer: I know very, very little about OCD or the effects of medications like Wellbutrin-- the above advice doesn't take those factors specifically into consideration.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 3:14 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
My inclination is that you should try to separate the "believing" question from the "betrayal of trust" that he's feeling. Make it clear that you love him, you support him, and you trust that he is telling the truth that he is absolutely sure that it happened. But it's not your job to judge whether or not it actually did happen. You're not 100% sure-- not because you think he's lying, not because you don't trust him, but because you can't know for sure because you weren't there-- and you will probably never be 100% sure. But getting into whether you are 99% sure or 90% sure or 50% sure is beside the point, and letting that be what the argument is about is likely to make both of you miserable. Maybe you can try to get him to tell you why it matters to him whether you're 100% sure it really happened? If he says "because if you're not it means you think I'm lying" or "because if you're not it means you think I'm crazy," etc, then maybe you can tackle those reasons-- "I really don't think you're lying, I promise, I definitely believe 100% that what you've told me is what you're honestly thinking and feeling."
Disclaimer: I know very, very little about OCD or the effects of medications like Wellbutrin-- the above advice doesn't take those factors specifically into consideration.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 3:14 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is not advice for right now, but for once you start to get this immediate crisis figured out:
There's a philosopher called Ian Hacking who has written a book and a bunch of articles on Multiple Personality Disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder) back in the late 80s early 90s when it was a more widespread diagnosis. He gives some of the history of the condition, how it was understood in the 1870s through to the 1990s, how the symptoms of patients changed according to whatever the psychiatric theory called for at the time, and how it came to be connected to the relatively-new concepts of "child abuse". He has a bunch of philosophical thoughts about this, as to how our medical categories can shape how people see themselves, how they understand their pasts, how new categories can "create new kinds of people", etc. He doesn't deny that people really have symptoms, and those symptoms are an expression of underlying distress, but he talks about how the form the symptoms take (the way of expressing the distress) changes depending on what people think is possible (ie when someone learns of MPD/DID, it shows them a new way to express their distress). The book is called Rewriting the Soul, it might be interesting to look at later on (again, once you're not in the thick of things).
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:48 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's a philosopher called Ian Hacking who has written a book and a bunch of articles on Multiple Personality Disorder (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder) back in the late 80s early 90s when it was a more widespread diagnosis. He gives some of the history of the condition, how it was understood in the 1870s through to the 1990s, how the symptoms of patients changed according to whatever the psychiatric theory called for at the time, and how it came to be connected to the relatively-new concepts of "child abuse". He has a bunch of philosophical thoughts about this, as to how our medical categories can shape how people see themselves, how they understand their pasts, how new categories can "create new kinds of people", etc. He doesn't deny that people really have symptoms, and those symptoms are an expression of underlying distress, but he talks about how the form the symptoms take (the way of expressing the distress) changes depending on what people think is possible (ie when someone learns of MPD/DID, it shows them a new way to express their distress). The book is called Rewriting the Soul, it might be interesting to look at later on (again, once you're not in the thick of things).
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:48 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Support him, even if he believes it happened and you don't. You didn't live his life to know - you can't be 100% sure that it didn't happen.
His doctors can help him determine if he's imagining things or not. If you're concerned, then tell his doctors you're worried this might be a side effect of the meds.
posted by royalsong at 7:56 AM on October 26, 2010