Could my daughter's closeted girlfriend's parents suspect dating?
April 19, 2024 5:51 PM Subscribe
Tonight, our daughter's closeted girlfriend was supposed to come over to hang out, but her mom apparently said no and said that she has to study. It's a Friday night. This isn't the first time she hasn't been allowed to come over. Our daughter is welcome at their house. I'm wondering if the parents suspect that something is going on? What do you all think? This is our first experience supporting our daughter through a more serious relationship.
Our 16 year old sophomore daughter (our oldest child) has been out for about 4 years now. She's dated three girls so far- unfortunately, two are or were closeted. We live in pretty liberal area and most people are accepting of the LGBTQ community, at least in thought- but perhaps not in deed. She and her current girlfriend have been dating for about 4 months, and her girlfriend's parents are apparently somewhat conservative and make homophobic comments. The girlfriend isn't out and doesn't plan to be. We (the parents) aren't super happy about the situation, but our daughter seems ok with it so far.
Our 16 year old sophomore daughter (our oldest child) has been out for about 4 years now. She's dated three girls so far- unfortunately, two are or were closeted. We live in pretty liberal area and most people are accepting of the LGBTQ community, at least in thought- but perhaps not in deed. She and her current girlfriend have been dating for about 4 months, and her girlfriend's parents are apparently somewhat conservative and make homophobic comments. The girlfriend isn't out and doesn't plan to be. We (the parents) aren't super happy about the situation, but our daughter seems ok with it so far.
Sure they could suspect dating. They could also be pretending that they don’t, and managing the situation by being present at all times so that there is less opportunity for sexual activity. This is how some parents of hetero kids also act when not supporting kids dating generally.
Ask your daughter, are they ever left alone?
If they are otherwise respectful (it sounds like they may not be), it’s up to you how much of an issue this is. Learning to deal with slightly displeased parents is not a bad skill for anyone to learn in relationships, as is not accepting any abusive behavior.
posted by cacao at 6:03 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]
Ask your daughter, are they ever left alone?
If they are otherwise respectful (it sounds like they may not be), it’s up to you how much of an issue this is. Learning to deal with slightly displeased parents is not a bad skill for anyone to learn in relationships, as is not accepting any abusive behavior.
posted by cacao at 6:03 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering if the parents suspect that something is going on? What do you all think?
I think that if they do then there's nothing you can do about it, and if they don't then there's nothing you should do about it beyond a bit of personal loins-girding against the possible souring of your relationship with them.
I also think that your daughter is probably across her girlfriend's relationship with her parents in far more detail than you'll ever be, and if she's choosing to share some of those details with you, the best thing you can do with that is listen. Do not offer advice unless it's explicitly sought.
As long as your daughter knows for sure that she's doing nothing wrong by feeling attracted to her girlfriend, and doing nothing wrong by acting on that attraction in ways that demonstrate respect for both herself and her girlfriend, you're doing a commendable job as parents.
posted by flabdablet at 6:17 PM on April 19 [16 favorites]
I think that if they do then there's nothing you can do about it, and if they don't then there's nothing you should do about it beyond a bit of personal loins-girding against the possible souring of your relationship with them.
I also think that your daughter is probably across her girlfriend's relationship with her parents in far more detail than you'll ever be, and if she's choosing to share some of those details with you, the best thing you can do with that is listen. Do not offer advice unless it's explicitly sought.
As long as your daughter knows for sure that she's doing nothing wrong by feeling attracted to her girlfriend, and doing nothing wrong by acting on that attraction in ways that demonstrate respect for both herself and her girlfriend, you're doing a commendable job as parents.
posted by flabdablet at 6:17 PM on April 19 [16 favorites]
Sometimes when I didn't want to spend time with a friend/acquaintance and didn't have the words to say that appropriately (being a child and all) I asked my parents to lie and say I wasn't allowed to go out.
My parents were very strict and I very frequently wasn't allowed to go out when I actually wanted to, so it was an incredibly believable lie.
Not saying this is definitely happening here of course, but I could easily see myself at that age not being able to explain to a (well I wasn't dating that young bit lets pretend) romantic interest that I needed a break and opting for an easy fib.
posted by phunniemee at 6:22 PM on April 19 [15 favorites]
My parents were very strict and I very frequently wasn't allowed to go out when I actually wanted to, so it was an incredibly believable lie.
Not saying this is definitely happening here of course, but I could easily see myself at that age not being able to explain to a (well I wasn't dating that young bit lets pretend) romantic interest that I needed a break and opting for an easy fib.
posted by phunniemee at 6:22 PM on April 19 [15 favorites]
Unless the girlfriend is in an unsafe or dangerous situation, this should be none of your concern. In fact, your behavior toward the girlfriend could raise suspicion if you become too protective. Welcome to the closet! One of its effects is to draw others into a (necessary, evil) web of secrecy and lies-by-omission. It fucking sucks! But if you want to support your daughter and her closeted relationship, you have to do your part to keep the closet door closed in front of the other parents. That means accepting whatever the girlfriend accepts about the situation, and not roxking the boat, because she is the best judge of her safety and security. Don't arouse the interest of the girlfriend's parents. The girlfriend will enjoy her relative freedom in the presence of your daughter and your family, when and how she can. You just gotta keep your doors and ears open and let the kids figure it out.
posted by panhopticon at 6:52 PM on April 19 [11 favorites]
posted by panhopticon at 6:52 PM on April 19 [11 favorites]
Agree with most all of the above.
Your daughter is probably handling the situation as well as it can be handled.
Just make sure she knows that regardless, you are there for her.
posted by Windopaene at 8:42 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]
Your daughter is probably handling the situation as well as it can be handled.
Just make sure she knows that regardless, you are there for her.
posted by Windopaene at 8:42 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]
It is also entirely possible that she does need to study. This time in the semester tends to be really busy, and there are exams and standardized tests and summer internship applications and all kinds of things that she might have on her plate right now.
And yes, it's probably pointless to speculate whether her parents suspect anything. Whether they do or don't, you're already in a supportive position to your daughter. Which is the best and only thing you can really do.
posted by knotty knots at 9:36 PM on April 19 [5 favorites]
And yes, it's probably pointless to speculate whether her parents suspect anything. Whether they do or don't, you're already in a supportive position to your daughter. Which is the best and only thing you can really do.
posted by knotty knots at 9:36 PM on April 19 [5 favorites]
Even if it hasn't crossed their minds they might think "Daughter used to spend time with lots of friends, now she's always with A, that isn't healthy" or something around those lines. Or "Daughter used to study a lot more and now she's all about her social life, her grades are going to start slipping." (Maybe they have?) Or "Daughter spends so much time with A that she has to stay up super late to study, now Daughter seems tired all the time." Or "If she spends all her time with A, people are going to think she's gay!" Or "Daughter was rude yesterday, she doesn't get the privilege of hanging out with her friends tonight." Or who knows.
posted by trig at 10:23 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]
posted by trig at 10:23 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]
If your daughter is out at school, the girlfriend's parents might consider time alone with her just as "dangerous" as time with a boy. Even if they fully believe the closet story.
Also, is there any conflict in the girlfriend's house? Some parents rely heavily on pressuring and punishing their kids by withdrawing permission to see friends.
posted by toucan at 3:36 AM on April 20
Also, is there any conflict in the girlfriend's house? Some parents rely heavily on pressuring and punishing their kids by withdrawing permission to see friends.
posted by toucan at 3:36 AM on April 20
If her parents are conservative they may just have concerns that your household is less conservative than theirs generally, and they aren’t confident about the level of supervision when their daughter is at your house (aside from any sort of romantic relationship.)There is nothing for you to do here. They are parenting their child the way they see fit. Just be welcoming to the girlfriend when you do see her.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:21 PM on April 20
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:21 PM on April 20
There may be an ulterior motive going on, or she may very well actually need to study; it could be as simple as that. How about a follow-up question for her parents? "Aw, that's too bad, but totally understandable. Gotta keep those grades up! How about sometime next week, then? We can pick her up, if that's easier for you...?" See how they respond to that?
Also, thank you, thank you, thank you for being so supportive of your LGBTQ+ daughter. Big hugs from me, a gay dude that grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family. That kind of support would have made all the difference.
posted by xedrik at 4:20 PM on April 22
Also, thank you, thank you, thank you for being so supportive of your LGBTQ+ daughter. Big hugs from me, a gay dude that grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family. That kind of support would have made all the difference.
posted by xedrik at 4:20 PM on April 22
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Hard to be a teenager, hard to be in your first serious relationship. Good for you that you're doing such a good job supporting her.
posted by arnicae at 5:56 PM on April 19 [20 favorites]