Grandboss doesn't like me because I'm quiet, now what?
April 25, 2024 1:23 PM Subscribe
Today, quite out of the blue, my grandboss strongly implied that he didn't like my personality. I have to work in close proximity with this dude on the regular. How to proceed?
I've worked in my role for around four years and have never gotten anything but outstanding reviews on my work, including my personality. Stuff like "pleasant", "professional", and "intelligent". In fact, I recently received a substantial raise that he presumably signed off on and an offer for a promotion in the nearish future that I am still thinking on.
A little over a year ago, I moved locations to a desk just outside the grandboss's office door. Grandboss has never been overly warm or friendly but he's not rude (up until now) or abusive either and we are basically polite and cordial to each other. He's basically shown zero interest in me as a person so I naturally took that as a cue that he didn't want to get to know each other any better. Fine by me, "Good morning", "how are you?" plus some other technicalities related to actual work are about the extent of it.
All of the sudden, today, he comes out of his office and says "Howdy!" rather loudly. I say "Hello" and then he asks me why I don't ever say anything. I feel put on the spot so I just chuckle nervously. He then proceeds to start a conversation with the only other coworker in our space about how he had really liked a former employee who used to sit where I do now because she was "bubbly".
I found this pretty rude and weird. I'm an introvert for sure but I'm also pretty friendly to people who are friendly to me. My social skills are pretty okay. In fact, I have a nice "work friend" relationship with the third coworker I'm referencing, and I doubt she finds my personality lacking. Grandboss himself comes across as quite a bit more reserved and socially awkward than I would consider myself to be.
What's more, he has a long established rapport with the other coworker in the office and WILL engage her in friendly conversations and she him. In the past, when I've tried to join in on these casual conversations that were happening right in front of me, my contributions were ignored by him, so I just stopped making them.
He absolutely has the power to fire me on the spot, so I'd rather not misstep too far but putting on a big chipper act and trying to start conversations with someone who clearly isn't interested in having conversations with me strikes me as unbearably undignified. I literally don't think I can do it. I get the feeling he wants me to be some kind of clone of my other coworker or the aforementioned former employee who I never even met. Obviously, I can't do that either, so how am I supposed to act around this guy now?
P.S. Don't worry, I'm looking for another job - just don't want to lose the one I have prematurely.
I've worked in my role for around four years and have never gotten anything but outstanding reviews on my work, including my personality. Stuff like "pleasant", "professional", and "intelligent". In fact, I recently received a substantial raise that he presumably signed off on and an offer for a promotion in the nearish future that I am still thinking on.
A little over a year ago, I moved locations to a desk just outside the grandboss's office door. Grandboss has never been overly warm or friendly but he's not rude (up until now) or abusive either and we are basically polite and cordial to each other. He's basically shown zero interest in me as a person so I naturally took that as a cue that he didn't want to get to know each other any better. Fine by me, "Good morning", "how are you?" plus some other technicalities related to actual work are about the extent of it.
All of the sudden, today, he comes out of his office and says "Howdy!" rather loudly. I say "Hello" and then he asks me why I don't ever say anything. I feel put on the spot so I just chuckle nervously. He then proceeds to start a conversation with the only other coworker in our space about how he had really liked a former employee who used to sit where I do now because she was "bubbly".
I found this pretty rude and weird. I'm an introvert for sure but I'm also pretty friendly to people who are friendly to me. My social skills are pretty okay. In fact, I have a nice "work friend" relationship with the third coworker I'm referencing, and I doubt she finds my personality lacking. Grandboss himself comes across as quite a bit more reserved and socially awkward than I would consider myself to be.
What's more, he has a long established rapport with the other coworker in the office and WILL engage her in friendly conversations and she him. In the past, when I've tried to join in on these casual conversations that were happening right in front of me, my contributions were ignored by him, so I just stopped making them.
He absolutely has the power to fire me on the spot, so I'd rather not misstep too far but putting on a big chipper act and trying to start conversations with someone who clearly isn't interested in having conversations with me strikes me as unbearably undignified. I literally don't think I can do it. I get the feeling he wants me to be some kind of clone of my other coworker or the aforementioned former employee who I never even met. Obviously, I can't do that either, so how am I supposed to act around this guy now?
P.S. Don't worry, I'm looking for another job - just don't want to lose the one I have prematurely.
Honestly? I would ignore this interaction entirely and try to forget it ever happened. Don't acknowledge it or address it at all. Your work is good, your reviews are good, you're doing your job. That's plenty to be happy with.
Let your boss get his ego stroked by someone else.
posted by phunniemee at 1:28 PM on April 25 [18 favorites]
Let your boss get his ego stroked by someone else.
posted by phunniemee at 1:28 PM on April 25 [18 favorites]
It's rude and weird but I don't know that you should assume he doesn't like you based on this interaction. It's not great, but I doubt it's something you need to lose sleep over. Be yourself and keep up the job hunt, but unless there's a repeat of this I'd chalk it up to a weird mood on his part.
It may very well be something that he just pulled out of his ass because he was bored and looking to strike up a conversation, in a week he may not remember it at all.
posted by jzb at 1:38 PM on April 25 [3 favorites]
It may very well be something that he just pulled out of his ass because he was bored and looking to strike up a conversation, in a week he may not remember it at all.
posted by jzb at 1:38 PM on April 25 [3 favorites]
This feels like when men tell women to smile more. I would try to ignore it.
posted by happy_cat at 1:46 PM on April 25 [42 favorites]
posted by happy_cat at 1:46 PM on April 25 [42 favorites]
I'm gonna assume this is an old white guy and you are...not?
It's dominance shit. There's nothing you can DO about it, but I personally would document the encounter and email it to my personal email address. Just in case.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on April 25 [18 favorites]
It's dominance shit. There's nothing you can DO about it, but I personally would document the encounter and email it to my personal email address. Just in case.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on April 25 [18 favorites]
That was definitely a weird thing for him to say, but I would 100% chalk it up to social awkwardness on his part rather than any deep dislike he holds towards you. He probably didn't even think about how that comment was going to come across. Just keep being yourself.
posted by mekily at 1:49 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]
posted by mekily at 1:49 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]
+1 to "weird mood, keep being yourself"- whatever was up with him today, it was not about you.
posted by wormtales at 2:04 PM on April 25
posted by wormtales at 2:04 PM on April 25
I would fully attribute this to Something Bothering Grandboss that has nothing to do with you, but that momentarily eroded his ability to exert executive function over self-serving entitlement (with a whiff of sexism - which might be implicit, and might not be about *your* gender, but is still sexism). I would document and not change a thing.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:20 PM on April 25 [2 favorites]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:20 PM on April 25 [2 favorites]
My take-home from that interaction is that he came out of the office and offered up a standard-issue "conversation starter" because he wants to find a way to connect to you, somehow, but he does not quite know how. Which is how I'd interpret "why don't you ever say anything?" (ie, why don' t you help me connect? why don't you make this easier for me?).
People can be awkward. No need to overthink whether he likes you or not based on that.
I think a decent good-faith gesture in return to his, if you agree with that interpretation, would be to find one sentence a day (or a week) (or just once) to offer up. Don't feel like you have to initiate a whole conversation, just, say a sentence. Like, I watched $TV show last night and enjoyed it. If he doesn't respond, you can just move on to your work. But you returned the gesture.
posted by Dashy at 2:22 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]
People can be awkward. No need to overthink whether he likes you or not based on that.
I think a decent good-faith gesture in return to his, if you agree with that interpretation, would be to find one sentence a day (or a week) (or just once) to offer up. Don't feel like you have to initiate a whole conversation, just, say a sentence. Like, I watched $TV show last night and enjoyed it. If he doesn't respond, you can just move on to your work. But you returned the gesture.
posted by Dashy at 2:22 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]
Unless it happens a second time I wouldn't worry about it. People have moods.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:41 PM on April 25
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:41 PM on April 25
Jerk. Sorry he's like that. It's hard for people who wield power to be reminded they don't control absolutely everything. But revel in the certainty that he cannot change you, and enjoy how much frustration this causes him. I agree with you, I would also be unable to do the sort of bootlicking he appears to want. But it can be fun and satisfying to just repeatedly let him bang his head against the wall and watch in quiet enjoyment. He liked the other person better? Aw. Too bad. Think about him like he's a toddler demanding something entirely unreasonable. I just came across a thread about the typical toddler mindset on Reddit. Here's an example of why toddlers might get mad at their parents: "She wanted the bad guys to come back. She was having a dream she was Spiderman and the bad guys got away from her, so she woke up furious at 6 am that I couldn't fix her dream." or, "I was eating noodles for lunch. He doesn't like noodles, so neither should I. Apparently, I was supposed to have mango chunks instead."
When little kids act like this, it's frustrating, but also cute and funny. With your grandboss, it's not cute. He's extremely rude, he should know better, he's certainly damaging relationships in both professional and social relationships. You can't change him. But you can secretly laugh while he discovers he can't change you.
posted by toucan at 4:19 PM on April 25 [3 favorites]
When little kids act like this, it's frustrating, but also cute and funny. With your grandboss, it's not cute. He's extremely rude, he should know better, he's certainly damaging relationships in both professional and social relationships. You can't change him. But you can secretly laugh while he discovers he can't change you.
posted by toucan at 4:19 PM on April 25 [3 favorites]
he had really liked a former employee who used to sit where I do now because she was "bubbly".
bubbly is just one of those words like spirited and fierce and sassy and shrill and saucy and bossy, whose only function is to remind women that we are women and to make us uncomfortable about it. the nice words on this list are no more complimentary than the nasty ones, if he thought you were bubbly that wouldn’t be good for you either.
having said that, it doesn’t sound like he necessarily dislikes you, exactly. if he is middle-aged or older, it sounds more like he is doing a whole jocular paternal routine, which includes talking about you when you’re right there to get a rise out of you. this is what certain older men do in place of flirting, when they are sort of aware that overt flirting is not acceptable but they want a kind of affectionate teasing father-daughter kind of banter that it is not your job to provide. needless to say they do not go about eliciting things from male subordinates in the same way.
and if he is oldish but not significantly older than you, I would bet any hostility is based on that rather than on your personality.
and if he isn’t oldish at all, he is just an uncomplicated prick.
and in any case the only thing to do is smile vaguely and say hello when he passes by, and pretend you don’t hear any passive-aggressive comments he makes in your presence. if he actually does dislike and want to provoke you, he will not like you better if he succeeds.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:40 PM on April 25 [13 favorites]
bubbly is just one of those words like spirited and fierce and sassy and shrill and saucy and bossy, whose only function is to remind women that we are women and to make us uncomfortable about it. the nice words on this list are no more complimentary than the nasty ones, if he thought you were bubbly that wouldn’t be good for you either.
having said that, it doesn’t sound like he necessarily dislikes you, exactly. if he is middle-aged or older, it sounds more like he is doing a whole jocular paternal routine, which includes talking about you when you’re right there to get a rise out of you. this is what certain older men do in place of flirting, when they are sort of aware that overt flirting is not acceptable but they want a kind of affectionate teasing father-daughter kind of banter that it is not your job to provide. needless to say they do not go about eliciting things from male subordinates in the same way.
and if he is oldish but not significantly older than you, I would bet any hostility is based on that rather than on your personality.
and if he isn’t oldish at all, he is just an uncomplicated prick.
and in any case the only thing to do is smile vaguely and say hello when he passes by, and pretend you don’t hear any passive-aggressive comments he makes in your presence. if he actually does dislike and want to provoke you, he will not like you better if he succeeds.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:40 PM on April 25 [13 favorites]
"Bubbly" makes me think that he's less concerned about you being quiet, and more complaining that he misses a woman who put a cheerful face on enduring inappropriate workplace flirting from him.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 6:40 PM on April 25 [7 favorites]
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 6:40 PM on April 25 [7 favorites]
Four years in and this happened today? Weird mood.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:53 PM on April 25
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:53 PM on April 25
I'd also try to ignore it, it doesn't come off as something deeper than just a bad or strange mood of his. You'd have things to worry about if it was a work or professionalism specific comment, but you have excellent reviews and this remark on your personality just came out of nowhere, most likely from the bad place of mind.
posted by torturedpoet at 8:55 PM on April 25
posted by torturedpoet at 8:55 PM on April 25
might just be an older guy, maybe introverted, who got used to someone drawing him out, and misses that. might also be an older guy who knows it's possible to find someone for your role who strikes the 'right' friendliness balance, and/or thinks that paying someone's salary entitles him to speak to what he wants in an employee.
posted by troywestfield at 8:36 AM on April 26
posted by troywestfield at 8:36 AM on April 26
Best answer: P.S. Don't worry, I'm looking for another job
Good. What an absolute tool.
"In a mood," my ass. That he was "in a mood" may be the explanation but it certainly doesn't excuse his behavior. There's one excuse for that sort of towering rudeness, and it's Tourette's syndrome or similar: it's an unintentional tic, he is not in control, he doesn't mean what he says, and everyone knows about it. If he is in control of what comes out of his mouth and he is saying it intentionally, then there is absolutely no excuse for what he said and no way to forgive him for it.
It's this person's job as a "grandboss" to manage his moods and his little whims and not wield them against his employees and make them fear for their jobs. If he can't do that, he's in the wrong job, himself. Most adult persons avoid these spontaneous releases of wildly inappropriate rudeness in public just as we avoid hocking and spitting on the floor or releasing loud farts; he doesn't feel he should have to, apparently. This lifeway he has chosen renders him ineligible for most employment, and for public transportation, coffee shops, restaurants--basically he should shut himself away with some bubbly houseplants and pets and cease to inflict his personality on other human persons.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:42 AM on April 26
Good. What an absolute tool.
"In a mood," my ass. That he was "in a mood" may be the explanation but it certainly doesn't excuse his behavior. There's one excuse for that sort of towering rudeness, and it's Tourette's syndrome or similar: it's an unintentional tic, he is not in control, he doesn't mean what he says, and everyone knows about it. If he is in control of what comes out of his mouth and he is saying it intentionally, then there is absolutely no excuse for what he said and no way to forgive him for it.
It's this person's job as a "grandboss" to manage his moods and his little whims and not wield them against his employees and make them fear for their jobs. If he can't do that, he's in the wrong job, himself. Most adult persons avoid these spontaneous releases of wildly inappropriate rudeness in public just as we avoid hocking and spitting on the floor or releasing loud farts; he doesn't feel he should have to, apparently. This lifeway he has chosen renders him ineligible for most employment, and for public transportation, coffee shops, restaurants--basically he should shut himself away with some bubbly houseplants and pets and cease to inflict his personality on other human persons.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:42 AM on April 26
I’m really unclear on the concept that the OP been working with someone for four years with no problems, then one day they say some awkward and annoying and that’s it, time to run.
This isn’t a work of fiction. The villain doesn’t hide their secret agenda for four years and then one day reveal themselves. People do not present themselves one way for 1459 days and then we only learn the dark truth on day 1460. It makes a great villain reveal in the last chapter, but that’s not life.
Particularly if their secret is that they are arrogant narcissists. How would an arrogant narcissist even keep secrets?
OP, you don’t have to live your life on a hair trigger. If it happens again, then there is something to worry about. If it happens a third time then it is time to move on. But unless you’re getting some vibe that you didn’t mention in your post, just let it pass.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:54 PM on April 26 [4 favorites]
This isn’t a work of fiction. The villain doesn’t hide their secret agenda for four years and then one day reveal themselves. People do not present themselves one way for 1459 days and then we only learn the dark truth on day 1460. It makes a great villain reveal in the last chapter, but that’s not life.
Particularly if their secret is that they are arrogant narcissists. How would an arrogant narcissist even keep secrets?
OP, you don’t have to live your life on a hair trigger. If it happens again, then there is something to worry about. If it happens a third time then it is time to move on. But unless you’re getting some vibe that you didn’t mention in your post, just let it pass.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:54 PM on April 26 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I appreciate the perspective from everyone. I realize now I may have been catastrophizing a bit. I decided to take most people's advice and just keep on keeping on and try not to worry about it. Since then I haven't seen enough of him to determine if it was a one-off or something he's going to continue to prod me about. I do still think he was being rude, entitled, and let's face it, sexist as shit.
Just to clarify, I've worked in my role four years but I've only worked where I've had any interaction with grandboss for less than one year and we never actually "work" together, we're just in close proximity to each other. The positive reviews I mentioned are from my direct boss and other people I actually work together with - I have no idea what he thought of me up until now. And yes, he's a couple decades older than me.
Marked Don Pepino's answer best as it made me feel better.
posted by RoseyPosey at 11:00 AM on April 29
Just to clarify, I've worked in my role four years but I've only worked where I've had any interaction with grandboss for less than one year and we never actually "work" together, we're just in close proximity to each other. The positive reviews I mentioned are from my direct boss and other people I actually work together with - I have no idea what he thought of me up until now. And yes, he's a couple decades older than me.
Marked Don Pepino's answer best as it made me feel better.
posted by RoseyPosey at 11:00 AM on April 29
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I'd maybe be a bit warmer towards him if you can - you know, instead of saying "Hi" when he comes in, add "how was your weekend?" or something. You know, something small. And then if he still blows you off, then he just has a weird bug up his butt.
But no, I really don't think this is a firing offense, the dude was probably just in a weird mood.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:28 PM on April 25 [23 favorites]