Your magic work phrase

April 16, 2024 6:00 AM

Someone told me if you are late to a meeting, say “Thanks for your patience”. I liked that and use it often. A Mefi whose name escapes me, when put in the spot. suggested saying “I don’t want to give you my first answer, I want to give you the right answer, let me get back to you”. I also liked that and use it often. What are the phrases you use at work that help better communicate / frame / set expectations / lead / work with your colleagues?
posted by jasondigitized to Work & Money (53 answers total)

(Not just for work)
Repeating back what they said.
posted by falsedmitri at 6:09 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]

Counterpoint, "thank you for your patience" is presumptuous and passive-aggressive American corporate bullshit. I didn't choose to be patient. You were late and forced me to wait. A polite person in that situation would apologise.

I like the "want to give you the right answer" spiel tho.
posted by Klipspringer at 6:16 AM on April 16 [77 favorites]

Something I get quite a bit is someone asking me for assistance with a problem that they could have figured out themselves but don't know it yet, or the problem has disappeared in the meantime, and they're very apologetic for what they see as wasting my time; my answer is "No, I love easy problems like this [on Mondays/before my coffee/last thing of the day]" -- work is hard and complicated and reassuring people it's OK to ask even small or dumb questions is good, versus it turning out to be something bigger and they're beating their head against the wall rather than ask for help.

Also: use "thank you" all the time, for everything that needs an acknowledgment, pretty much any time you'd use the word "OK" (within context of course).
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:18 AM on April 16 [16 favorites]

Counterpoint, "thank you for your patience" is presumptuous and passive-aggressive American corporate bullshit.

Counter-counterpoint: Working in IT maintenance, I do find that a little bit of pre-emptive gratitude goes a long way in communications with my users. When we have a systems outage (unplanned or otherwise), a "thank you for your patience" in an email is a recognition that they have stuff to do, and lets them know that I am working diligently to get them back to doing that stuff in a timely and efficacious manner.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:22 AM on April 16 [29 favorites]

“I can talk very quickly. It’s something I always have to work on so if I’m going too fast, please remind me to slow down.”
posted by kimberussell at 6:28 AM on April 16 [6 favorites]

Counter-counterpoint: Working in IT maintenance, I do find that a little bit of pre-emptive gratitude goes a long way in communications with my users. When we have a systems outage (unplanned or otherwise), a "thank you for your patience" in an email is a recognition that they have stuff to do, and lets them know that I am working diligently to get them back to doing that stuff in a timely and efficacious manner.

True, but the counterpoint was about your actions/mistake caused the problem. In your example, you didn't personally make a mistake which then caused problems for everyone. It was either an unforeseen issue with the network, or planned maintenance. The counterpoint I think is pointing more to when someone is a bit nonchalant about showing up to a meeting late and then acting like it's not a big deal. So I think they are different situations.

That said, I don't mind "thank you for your patience" if it wasn't really the speaker's fault. If a different meeting ran over (I work for a company where you may have 6 consecutive meetings), there's nothing you can do about it, you're going to be late for your next meeting and the best thing you can do is show a little gratitude for the second meeting's patience. I do mind the phrase if the person definitely could have been on time but chose not to.
posted by Meldanthral at 6:34 AM on April 16 [6 favorites]

I try to say "I'd love to troubleshoot that with you" any time I'm tempted to say "I don't know what your problem is, because it works fine for me."

I'm an academic librarian, and a recurring complaint of my colleagues is that we'll be demonstrating something in front of a class, and the instructor will interrupt to say "Don't show them that, it doesn't work."

Really often, in these kinds of situations, it's user error, but I don't ever want to say "You're probably using it wrong" - especially in front of their students.
And to be fair, a lot of academic library interfaces are NOT user-friendly, and that's not something I personally have any control over but it's something that I want to deal with empathetically.

But even if you are not an academic librarian, I really like "I'd love to troubleshoot that with you" because it communicates

1) I want to help
2) I don't want to place blame on anybody - if you don't know how to use it, no big deal, let's learn.
3) If there is a genuine technical problem, we want to know the exact details so we can fix it.
4) I want to make this work, but I can't do that without their communication and participation.
posted by Jeanne at 6:34 AM on April 16 [49 favorites]

Mod note: Comment removed. Let's move on from the point/counterpoint about "Thanks for your patience" and focus on assisting the OP with their request for phrases that help work situations, thank you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:20 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]

Let's say I want to ask my coworker an incisive question, such as "How did you make this mistake that cost the company $50,000?" That question is likely to make my coworker defensive.

I ask, "If someone were to ask how you made this mistake that cost the company $50,000, what would you say in reply to them?"
posted by vienna at 7:38 AM on April 16 [9 favorites]

"I'm sorry I didn't explain this clearly. Let me try it a different way." -- I use this a lot with colleagues who don't actually read my email messages carefully and then jump to unwarranted conclusions. My boss is very prone to doing this, and I can't exactly berate her for not reading past the second sentence before she hits "reply".
posted by alex1965 at 7:41 AM on April 16 [14 favorites]

Two pieces of advice from a female boss when I worked in a lab group composed of mostly young women.
1. Don't say sorry (unless you actually did something that warrants an apology, like you stepped on someone's foot or forgot to invite them to an important meeting). Avoid "sorry to bother you" etc like when you are asking someone to do something that is part of their job. (Or 'sorry this took longer than expected' ... Not to continue detail but this is where 'thank you for your patience' is useful and appropriate.
2. Don't say 'just' or otherwise minimize your activities and achievements. I.e. "I've just been working on data analysis ..."

As much as I dislike policing women's language I do think many of us were socialized to minimize our accomplishments and be deferential, and reframing can be beneficial in the workplace.

And some general ones. "What questions do you have?" Instead of "do you have any questions?"

Setting expectations- "keeping you looped in" or "sending for courtesy review". This conveys that no action is required, and suggestions/feedback may not be adopted.

Another term that gets used a lot in my workplace is 'alignment' and it's actually quite useful - 'let's along on roles and responsibilities' or 'i want to make sure we are aligned before we bring this proposal to senior management'
posted by emd3737 at 7:45 AM on April 16 [40 favorites]

I'm big on "I believe this brings our involvement in this matter to an end".

So if you were expecting anything from me after this email, you would need to say that.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:55 AM on April 16 [8 favorites]

This one is pretty specific, but I often have been in a position where I am trying to communicate limitations or concerns to executives who don't want to hear them. What I do is I remove the arguing first, like this:

"Obviously I will proceed as you direct. But I would love to take you through what I see/what I'm thinking/my concerns first so that you have all the information I do."
posted by warriorqueen at 7:56 AM on April 16 [42 favorites]

I find that even though my job is not a phone job or even a customer service job, saying "Let me look into that. Please hold!" when a request comes in out of the blue seems to lessen everyone's irritation. This is more true the heavier the lift of the request is.

It builds in expected time for me to respond so they're not irritated, and gives me a minute of not having to say anything specific, because the specific thing I would say is probably not kind.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:59 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]

Whenever I help someone/provide something, and the recipient says "thank you," I reply with "go team!" It's not entirely self-serving, but a large reason that I started saying that (in lieu of "no worries" or "you're welcome" or something else) was because I wanted to not-so-secretly implant the idea that when you needed something that I was capable of handling, I did it cheerfully because we're on a team so that maybe when I needed to ask them for something that was closer to their wheelhouse than mine, they'd do it cheerfully, because we're on a team. Of course, it also works when you bring in cupcakes or whatever, because sometimes what a team needs is baked goods or buttercream or sustenance.

In a broader sense, I'd like to believe that it's not just self-serving for me, but reinforcing the "we're on the same team, and we want that team to do well." "Team" and "do well" can be described as broadly as you like... work group? company? country? humanity!?!
posted by adekllny at 7:59 AM on April 16 [20 favorites]

I hadn't heard this specific phrase until one of my dev partners said it to me, but "Do you want a rubber duck?" which is our way of saying "I have NO idea what's wrong with your thing and you know more about this than me, but I'll happily let you walk me through it and see if that shakes the problem loose." I have also used the long phrase for this. It is surprisingly successful as a troubleshooting process!

Unless I am just documenting something to cover my ass later, I no longer write email paragraphs that are more than two sentences, and I use a lot of bullet and number lists. People just don't read emails anymore.

I'm tired of getting put on the spot instantly for a newly-invented deliverable, because I will always overcommit myself if pressured, so I'm currently using, "I can't tell you right this minute, but I will get you an answer by X:time today."
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on April 16 [20 favorites]

“Do you have any concerns that I can address?” When laying out any kind of plan.
posted by CMcG at 8:02 AM on April 16 [2 favorites]

Bring me solutions, not problems. It sounds like a demand, but I think it sets the stage for a conversation about solving problems and not venting about them. It makes it more productive, I think.

Similarly, I try to practice listening for understanding rather than listening to respond.

If you're not first, you're last. /s
posted by Snowishberlin at 8:18 AM on April 16

Response by poster: As the OP I have to chime in on “thanks for your patience”. I am usually late because superiors to me are horrible at managing the clock. I am not going to apologize for that. I am going to thank my colleagues for waiting as they already know Big Jim likes to talk well over his allotted time frame. Also if it is my fault I will say “apologies for being late. Thank you for you patience”.
posted by jasondigitized at 8:20 AM on April 16 [13 favorites]

One thing I've tried to do is: drop the word "just" from my vocabulary. It almost always undermines whatever you're saying, be it about yourself, someone else, effort, etc.

I would steer clear of using (any, frankly) specific phrases, because you will absolutely rub people the wrong way if you're often saying clever corporate-speak things that people can immediately read through. It's always good to be kind, empathetic and direct. It is not good to say things that obfuscate obvious feelings/views.
posted by so fucking future at 8:49 AM on April 16 [11 favorites]

"Help me understand this."

Asking for help is highly effective, because people generally like being helpful. It generates trust. It's also a demonstration that you have the confidence to acknowledge that you need help/don't understand something.

This also works in slightly more adversarial relationships, such as sales calls. "I don't think I get your pricing model; help me understand it" is a signal that you're not entirely happy but you're still keeping the door open for an explanation which will make you happier.
posted by Bryant at 8:54 AM on April 16 [8 favorites]

I use "Happy to help" instead of "No problem". I love "Go Team!", I'll try it out too!
posted by Dotty at 9:00 AM on April 16 [10 favorites]

"No". I have found that most people would prefer a fast no than a slow yes. If the answer is going to be no, don't string it out. "Let me look into it" is like when my dad used to say "Maybe". Maybe is no in dad speak.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:02 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]

This book helped me with scripts for all sorts of workplace scenarios such as “how to say no to a dud project someone wants you to take on” and “how to say no when asked to do office housework (as a woman)” and that sort of thing.

@warriorqueen I like that one.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 9:19 AM on April 16 [2 favorites]

"I don't have the capacity for that. "
If you have to say no. No excuses or explanations

If you're explaining something to a person who might feel insecure about showing they still don't understand, never ask "do you understand?" rather ask "Does that make sense?"
posted by Zumbador at 9:29 AM on April 16 [6 favorites]

If you'll forgive a question, I've found variations on "what do you need" / "what do you need from me" to be powerful, as a mentor.

I adopted addressing a roomful of people as "friends" from someone else because I like it.
posted by Dashy at 10:27 AM on April 16 [3 favorites]

"Here's what I've tried/thought of/been through already." People are a lot more likely to help you and to give you the help you need when they can see that you've already attempted to solve a problem. It can either help them to point out where you went wrong, or give them a launching point for their investigation.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:29 AM on April 16 [4 favorites]

I am truly bad at remembering names. I use "I'm Jesse, can you remind me of your name" since it's kinder than "I've forgotten your name."
posted by Jesse the K at 11:39 AM on April 16 [14 favorites]

I like "to confirm" for "I'm pretty sure you're wrong but maybe I am misunderstanding something." As in, "Thanks for sending that. To confirm, you'd like to increase your order to 1000 units?"
posted by teremala at 11:59 AM on April 16 [1 favorite]

"Is there anything else I should know/anything I forgot to ask?" People always say no, then after a beat follow up with something interesting.
posted by umwelt at 12:26 PM on April 16 [7 favorites]

“You got it!”

When someone asks me to do something for them. It inspires good feelings. People love getting what they need and want.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:29 PM on April 16

Wow, that was such a great explanation of the situation, thank you. I have a few initial thoughts -- but it's complex so I'd actually like to think on it a bit longer. Does it work if I step back and let it percolate? I can give you my answer tomorrow.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:39 PM on April 16 [2 favorites]

I use "Oh yeah?" ALL. THE. TIME. in one-on-one conversations when I truly have no interest but I don't want to be rude and I have the time to just listen. Or if someone has non-work-related opinions I disagree with and I want to be non-committal because this is work and no one needs to know my opinions and/or I just don't want to get into it. My husband has picked this up and uses it in his workplace, which is very different from mine. It's a good deflector if you're not interested in talking about yourself.

I also use "Happy to help" instead of "No problem."
posted by jabes at 12:43 PM on April 16 [1 favorite]

My favorite go-to for ending a work email is
"Let me know if I can say more about this. Thanks,"

That way I'm welcoming more questions if they have them – but also, no response is needed, and I'll interpret no response as great, you got what you needed from my previous message.
posted by Zephyrial at 1:03 PM on April 16

"I don't have the answer right now, please standby while I gather more information to give you the clarity you need" instead of "I don't know"
posted by greta simone at 1:13 PM on April 16

Replace "I assumed that..." with"I was under the impression that...". Word choice doesn't actually have any bearing on whether you're making necessary inferences to be able to make sense of a chaotic world as we all are doing constantly, or whether you're actually jumping to conclusions prematurely, but at least you can head off any smug, tedious "...you make an 'ass' out of 'U' and 'me'!" responses.
posted by dick dale the vampire at 1:17 PM on April 16 [3 favorites]

I like "What questions do you have?" during presentations or training. It implies an expectation that there will be questions, which sometimes gets more people to speak up in the moment.

My partner uses "tell me more" all the time and it's really effective at getting people to give you more information, context, etc.

I second the advice to eliminate "just" from your vocab. Similarly "simply". I notice these the most in trainings. Saying something like "You simply click here" or "You just enter Xyz" implies a value judgment about the ease of a task. It discourages people from asking for help or admitting they don't understand that thing/task.
posted by purple_bird at 1:23 PM on April 16 [4 favorites]

I forgot one given to me by a mentor. Replace all “buts” with “ands.”

I like the plan but i want to know who is going to be responsible for its execution.
Becomes
I like the plan and I want to know who will be responsible for its execution.

“But” puts people on the defensive.
posted by CMcG at 2:52 PM on April 16 [19 favorites]

I have tried to be more aware of when I know the answer vs. when I'm guessing. This applies to solving problems or suggesting how to handle a situation, too. Sometimes I have a clear opinion or answer and can communicate it simply and directly. And when I don't, previously, I would talk muddled circles or give my best guess or think aloud. Now I try to say "I don't have a clear answer to that. Let me think about it and follow up tomorrow." It makes people much happier than the muddled attempt. "What do you think we should do?" often works well also.

The other one someone taught me is that "why" has a tendency to put people on the defensive, whereas, "what are/were the reasons" sidesteps that by pre-acknowledging that there were probably valid reasons. (E.g. "why did you meet with him?" vs "what were the reasons for wanting to meet with him?") There are a few other phrases that work similarly, like "what is the thinking behind recommendation X?"
posted by slidell at 3:09 PM on April 16 [3 favorites]

"I want to come prepared" or "Is there anything I should be prepared with?" when asking for a meeting agenda in advance of a meeting (that may or may not have an agenda, be organized or have a plan around it).
posted by Toddles at 5:09 PM on April 16 [2 favorites]

Some of these have already been covered but here's mine that have served me well over time.

Let me repeat that to check that I've understood it correctly.
Let me summarise my understanding so that you can correct me if I got it wrong.
Thank you for waiting.
Thanks for your help. --Happy to help.
What questions do you have for me?
I want to check that I've explained this clearly. Can you tell me what we've discussed in your own words? (context: I'm a school teacher, so I use this with kids but a version of this should work with adults.)
Tell me more. (use it with kids and adults alike)
Are there any questions I didn't ask you, but I should have?
Here's an idea. What could go wrong with it? (doing a pre-mortem)
What do you think?
How would you do this?
posted by mkdirusername at 5:11 PM on April 16 [3 favorites]

“yeah i dunno, that’s the kind of thing i talk to my therapist about.”

— when a male boss/peer is oversharing personal problems/trying to make me his therapist
posted by homodachi at 8:02 PM on April 16 [10 favorites]

Close significant calls/convos with, "I'm really grateful for your time today. very useful discussion."
posted by j_curiouser at 1:14 PM on April 17 [5 favorites]

A trick a lot of academics use is to start the answer to a question by praising the question: e.g. "what a great question!" This both flatters the asker, and gives a few extra seconds to think of a response.
posted by kickingtheground at 6:57 PM on April 18 [1 favorite]

When it sounds like everyone is saying the same thing with a lot of passion, I sometimes say "it looks like we violently agree on X. Now, what should we do about X?" This usually happens when everyone is complaining about the same thing.

If I get a very focused question that I suspect has a broader intent behind it and that the person is not actually asking the right question, I'll ask "What are you trying to solve for?" People can sometimes be very specific to help make their question clear and make it easier to answer, but sometimes in doing so, they aren't actually asking the right question -- "Which of these pocket knives should I use to chop a tree?" Similarly, it can be helpful to ask, "What's the context?" as often times there's usually some type of "ask so and so" b/c senior person told them to.

If I need to time bound others giving me feedback on something in an email, I will usually write up front, "If I don't hear from you by X with feedback or questions, I will assume we are OK and I will move forward and do Y." It is important in this case to: 1) make it clear in the subject line you need input by X date, and 2) make it clear what you will presume is the default unless people object. This will also give you a handy CYA provided that you are fair in giving folks time to respond. I usually will follow up and say, "Since I haven't heard any objections, it sounds like we are all agreed to do Y."

When a group appears to be waffling about between a few options, it can help move the conversation forward by asking, "Across all these options, what would you each pick or vote for?"

If it sounds like someone is getting stuck on wanting more data or inputs before doing X that seems potentially unnecessary, asking the question "Let's say you had X. How would that change what you do?" can really clarify why they are asking for it and parse out whether it is something that is comforting to have in place vs. critical to have in place.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:20 AM on April 19 [3 favorites]

Mod note: [btw, this has been added to the sidebar and Best Of blog!]
posted by taz (staff) at 3:08 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

(Not just for work)
Repeating back what they said.
This. But particularly if proceeded by "So...how can I help you?" (as opposed to going into a conversation with any particular preconceptions on that front)
posted by rongorongo at 5:38 AM on April 22

Related, if not applicable for all people, is Just Not Sorry. It's a Chrome extension that will highlight qualifying/diminishing words and phrases in email. This is less of a "this phrase works" and more of a "this phrase is problematic, and you may not be aware how often you're using it" tool. Often it will flag reasonable uses of a given phrase or word because it's pulling from a list, not (as far as I know) studying context. I have found it useful, and occasionally the reminders from it have usefully jogged my memory during in-person interactions.
posted by cupcakeninja at 5:57 AM on April 22 [1 favorite]

I read somewhere recently about a study that found the phrase "thanks in advance" had the highest chance of positive response vs thanks, best, cheers, etc.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:38 AM on April 22

My forever favorite, when co-facilitating or co-presenting with someone, is to ask "NAME, what would you add?" instead of "NAME, what did I miss"? I always contract with my partner on this ahead of time, and they know if I (or they) miss something big, no one has to step on anyone to "correct" them, and you also don't look like "ayo, I'm sure I missed something"...
posted by ersatzkat at 8:06 AM on April 23 [1 favorite]

...I also like, in exploratory and research spaces, "Is there a question I didn't ask you that you wish I had?" - lots of times people come into those spaces assuming they know what we're going to talk about, and it lets them get anything off their heart that they might have been sitting with.

Another good one is "what do you wish people understood about (your role, your team, this problem, etc)?" - people will quickly reveal to you what matters most to them - it's kind of a magic trick!
posted by ersatzkat at 8:16 AM on April 23 [3 favorites]

• "We don't do that here." -- a way of saying "stop that" in public in a way that's way less likely to cause arguments. I'm not saying that your behavior is bad; I'm not judging you; I'm just saying we don't do in my group/project/space.
• "Good question! I'm not sure but let's figure this out."
• "I think <person X> would know; I can ask them for you or, if you're comfortable with it, you can check with them directly." I feel like this helps avoid sounding like I don't care or am deflecting their problem.
• "Firstly, I believe you. Can I ask some questions to try to figure out more so I can get this fixed/changed/etc."
• "I think I did a poor job of explaining that; let me try a different angle." -- the old "you're not understanding me" but in a way that helps me keep focused on the goal: mutual understanding and not being "right"
• "I don't need you to do anything about this but I'd appreciate if you listened." -- frame the conversation to head off the other person trying to solve my problems
• "Gladly; when do you need that done by?" followed by "Which of my current priorities do you want me to push off for this?" It doesn't happen much at my current job but when someone tries to fit 41 hours of work in a 40 hour week, it's on them to pick what hour of stuff I'm going to drop. Oftentimes it turns out they don't want the thing that badly and will go properly schedule the work.
• "Let's pause so I have a moment to think about the consequences." (This lets everyone think but I'll happily take the hit so we don't rush into bad engineering. Bad engineering should be a choice.)
• "What's the original problem we were trying to solve?" Good old reframing.

posted by introp at 2:55 PM on April 23 [7 favorites]

"Oh! Can you say more about that?" is my Swiss army knife. It's handy to get people to simply elaborate or explain, especially where a new risk is being introduced that may not have been accounted for. It works in exploratory settings like in-depth interviews. But it also works as "I can't believe you just said that. Who do you think you are? I'm going to make you spell it out while I take notes."
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 7:57 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]