Work is an infinite spiral of ennui and tedium. Someone help me.
April 15, 2024 10:11 AM Subscribe
In a nutshell, I am a frustrated artistic, literary, nature-loving, spiritual type who has a stable 'career' in communications but my soul is slowly dying. I am bored. I hate screen-based life. I hate my colleagues. I hate the work. Someone help.
Instead of repeating myself (and I'm embarrassed that I am STILL writing on Metafilter about this) but I am literary type who had a career in the book world and journalism - from running a bookshop to being a literary editor and a published author. However, after the pandemic and relocation away from the city, I fell into communications for a steady income as a kind of stopgap career while I settle into a new life.
I have spent the last four years working in communications for non-profits and it has led to a disconcerting, low hum of depression, anxiety and ennui. I have chronic insomnia as my wants and needs are in conflict, and I generally feel as if I am wasting my life.
I hold on to communications because it is in-demand and pays relatively well. Plus, I live in an arty, coastal town and I am also moving in with my boyfriend and feel I need a steady position whilst we settle down. However I don't write fiction or paint anymore, lack motivation to explore my spiritual and wellbeing side or have a dynamic, deep ideas about the humanities, arts, philosophy or politics. It's just 'how can write about this boring topic in a rather boring way for a boring audience working alongside boring colleagues.'
I have huge regrets of not sticking with my literary path in some way or taking more risks. Maybe I can take risks when my relationship settles down?
FYI Moving back to a city is not an option.
What can I do? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Instead of repeating myself (and I'm embarrassed that I am STILL writing on Metafilter about this) but I am literary type who had a career in the book world and journalism - from running a bookshop to being a literary editor and a published author. However, after the pandemic and relocation away from the city, I fell into communications for a steady income as a kind of stopgap career while I settle into a new life.
I have spent the last four years working in communications for non-profits and it has led to a disconcerting, low hum of depression, anxiety and ennui. I have chronic insomnia as my wants and needs are in conflict, and I generally feel as if I am wasting my life.
I hold on to communications because it is in-demand and pays relatively well. Plus, I live in an arty, coastal town and I am also moving in with my boyfriend and feel I need a steady position whilst we settle down. However I don't write fiction or paint anymore, lack motivation to explore my spiritual and wellbeing side or have a dynamic, deep ideas about the humanities, arts, philosophy or politics. It's just 'how can write about this boring topic in a rather boring way for a boring audience working alongside boring colleagues.'
I have huge regrets of not sticking with my literary path in some way or taking more risks. Maybe I can take risks when my relationship settles down?
FYI Moving back to a city is not an option.
What can I do? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Best answer: I am someone who jumped ship from a very arts-focused life (both paid and unpaid) to a more academic life (in which writing became utter misery). I also work from home and in the absence of a regular in-person community I have been wilting.
I have found that taking writing classes has been helpful for restarting a sense of joy in writing and providing some structure and outside inspiration. A two-hour reading + workshop at the local literary arts group, or a 5 week virtual writing course through Orion Magazine.
Or even just listening to craft talks from Tin House or Bread Loaf.
One really useful and illuminating (to me) benefit of the whole Artists Way morning pages habit is that I realize I can put together words even when I don't have any motivation to do so. Sometimes it is just a to do list, or a diary entry, or a cri de coeur for having been a lay-a-bed slug the previous day, but sometimes it is a fun turn of phrase to describe the texture of sunlight coming through clouds that morning, sometimes it is an idea for a zine, sometimes it is a paragraph (or more) for an online writing class I am taking.
posted by spamandkimchi at 10:39 AM on April 15 [10 favorites]
I have found that taking writing classes has been helpful for restarting a sense of joy in writing and providing some structure and outside inspiration. A two-hour reading + workshop at the local literary arts group, or a 5 week virtual writing course through Orion Magazine.
Or even just listening to craft talks from Tin House or Bread Loaf.
One really useful and illuminating (to me) benefit of the whole Artists Way morning pages habit is that I realize I can put together words even when I don't have any motivation to do so. Sometimes it is just a to do list, or a diary entry, or a cri de coeur for having been a lay-a-bed slug the previous day, but sometimes it is a fun turn of phrase to describe the texture of sunlight coming through clouds that morning, sometimes it is an idea for a zine, sometimes it is a paragraph (or more) for an online writing class I am taking.
posted by spamandkimchi at 10:39 AM on April 15 [10 favorites]
My experiences don't exactly mirror yours, but there are enough parallels that I feel like I can offer a few tidbits of useful advice:
1. Treat the depression. Wellbutrin XL made so many other things possible by removing some of the lethargy that kept me from doing anything fun or useful.
2. Find a thing you do, ideally outside the home, ideally with other people. If you're a writer, join (or start) a writing group, or even just a bookclub. For me, I took up glass working.
3. Do a tiny creative thing every day. I used to have 'write a 100 words a day' as a goal. Most days once I started writing, I would write more than 100 words. But you can probably find 10 minutes a day to write 100 words and feel like you're moving forward on your things.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:52 AM on April 15 [7 favorites]
1. Treat the depression. Wellbutrin XL made so many other things possible by removing some of the lethargy that kept me from doing anything fun or useful.
2. Find a thing you do, ideally outside the home, ideally with other people. If you're a writer, join (or start) a writing group, or even just a bookclub. For me, I took up glass working.
3. Do a tiny creative thing every day. I used to have 'write a 100 words a day' as a goal. Most days once I started writing, I would write more than 100 words. But you can probably find 10 minutes a day to write 100 words and feel like you're moving forward on your things.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:52 AM on April 15 [7 favorites]
A bit outside the box but: I think you should find a Quaker meeting nearby and go and keep going. Go to the early morning one where it’s more likely to be a bunch of silent old people. You just sit and listen for an hour. You listen to your own thoughts and you wait to discern which thoughts are worthy of chasing. I’m recommending this because you are stuck and feel out of touch with yourself.
posted by CMcG at 10:52 AM on April 15 [6 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 10:52 AM on April 15 [6 favorites]
I want to address two things: the timing of taking risks, and reconnecting with your creative self.
If you think you might want to take risks after you get moved in with your boyfriend (which is what I'm presuming you meant by your relationship settling down), then that's a great conversation to have with him now, especially if you doesn't anticipate what that means for you all in terms of income, time, scheduling, etc. I have found it easier to take some risks in life when I'm in a settled relationship. That could work.
But I don't think you need to wait til then to try to reconnect with your creativity, and I think there might be a lower pressure route than trying to tale a direct route back to your old passions. You were professionally engaged in a creative world of words, books, publishing, etc. And it sounds like you also painted. I want to encourage you to try something creative and different, so not writing or even a book club or painting. In your artsy coastal town, are there classes in a different creative art? Something that is not about writing or words or about a screen. How about a welding class? Or clay sculpture? Nothing you've done more than dabble in in the past, and it's especially good if it's a totally different medium and maybe something you haven't tried before. Or maybe take the build-a-birdhouse class. The goal here is to be out of the house, engaging with others in a structured way, and creating a physical object unrelated to your existing knowledge and skills. Or, you could sign up for a dance class, alone or with your boyfriend.
You might be thinking you don't have time to do this, but being unhappy also takes a lot of time. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:56 AM on April 15 [6 favorites]
If you think you might want to take risks after you get moved in with your boyfriend (which is what I'm presuming you meant by your relationship settling down), then that's a great conversation to have with him now, especially if you doesn't anticipate what that means for you all in terms of income, time, scheduling, etc. I have found it easier to take some risks in life when I'm in a settled relationship. That could work.
But I don't think you need to wait til then to try to reconnect with your creativity, and I think there might be a lower pressure route than trying to tale a direct route back to your old passions. You were professionally engaged in a creative world of words, books, publishing, etc. And it sounds like you also painted. I want to encourage you to try something creative and different, so not writing or even a book club or painting. In your artsy coastal town, are there classes in a different creative art? Something that is not about writing or words or about a screen. How about a welding class? Or clay sculpture? Nothing you've done more than dabble in in the past, and it's especially good if it's a totally different medium and maybe something you haven't tried before. Or maybe take the build-a-birdhouse class. The goal here is to be out of the house, engaging with others in a structured way, and creating a physical object unrelated to your existing knowledge and skills. Or, you could sign up for a dance class, alone or with your boyfriend.
You might be thinking you don't have time to do this, but being unhappy also takes a lot of time. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:56 AM on April 15 [6 favorites]
Because you mentioned "STILL writing on Metafilter about this" I popped into your question history and, frankly, I think maybe you're inaccurately blaming your unhappiness on your job -- not to say that the job is awesome or a great fit, but it seems like your previous path was leading you to deep unhappiness and mental breakdowns before the pandemic, even.
I don't point this out to you like some kind of "gotcha" but more just to suggest that possibly there is something internal at work here, that maybe you're not depressed and unmotivated to be creative because of your job but that you're unmotivated and hate your job because you're depressed.
Depression likes to create little narratives about how things are everything's fault except the depression, so often one has to just kind of go against the internal logic and treat the depression in spite of itself, you know?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:01 AM on April 15 [24 favorites]
I don't point this out to you like some kind of "gotcha" but more just to suggest that possibly there is something internal at work here, that maybe you're not depressed and unmotivated to be creative because of your job but that you're unmotivated and hate your job because you're depressed.
Depression likes to create little narratives about how things are everything's fault except the depression, so often one has to just kind of go against the internal logic and treat the depression in spite of itself, you know?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:01 AM on April 15 [24 favorites]
> or paint anymore
Consider finding a life drawing group or a figure painting class. It'd meet weekly, get the pump going, that sort of thing.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:17 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]
Consider finding a life drawing group or a figure painting class. It'd meet weekly, get the pump going, that sort of thing.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:17 AM on April 15 [2 favorites]
I notice that you repeatedly mention doing your current job "while you settle down". What does "settling down" mean to you, exactly?
When do you envision reaching this goal of having "settled down"? Is it a clearly defined goal with clear milestones and a definite timeline (e.g., buying a house, starting a family, paying off a debt), or something more nebulous?
Does it mean achieving some kind of relationship stability that depends upon your partner changing in some way?
It seems you are deferring your actual happiness until some vaguely defined future state of having "settled down" arrives. But if what you're doing now is undertaking this process of "settling down," and it's making you miserable, then maybe... don't settle down?
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:24 PM on April 15 [8 favorites]
When do you envision reaching this goal of having "settled down"? Is it a clearly defined goal with clear milestones and a definite timeline (e.g., buying a house, starting a family, paying off a debt), or something more nebulous?
Does it mean achieving some kind of relationship stability that depends upon your partner changing in some way?
It seems you are deferring your actual happiness until some vaguely defined future state of having "settled down" arrives. But if what you're doing now is undertaking this process of "settling down," and it's making you miserable, then maybe... don't settle down?
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 12:24 PM on April 15 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I also went back to one of your previous questions and this stood out to me:
I have this eternal struggle with wholeheartedly pursuing the creative life versus settling down with a comfortable well paid career track and a serious relationship and possibly children. I am 'all-in' person and do not feel I can do both.
Do you still feel this way?
Personally, I have had to work on realizing that I'm not doing things that I feel passionate about because of my work, but because I'm depressed. My career, which feeds my stomach very well but doesn't really feed my soul, isn't stopping me from doing anything -- it's me, standing in my own way, questioning my authenticity as a person because I like nice things more than I want to admit.
I have found it easier to pick one thing that fulfills me and stick to that, rather than trying to upend my life.
posted by sm1tten at 12:46 PM on April 15 [8 favorites]
I have this eternal struggle with wholeheartedly pursuing the creative life versus settling down with a comfortable well paid career track and a serious relationship and possibly children. I am 'all-in' person and do not feel I can do both.
Do you still feel this way?
Personally, I have had to work on realizing that I'm not doing things that I feel passionate about because of my work, but because I'm depressed. My career, which feeds my stomach very well but doesn't really feed my soul, isn't stopping me from doing anything -- it's me, standing in my own way, questioning my authenticity as a person because I like nice things more than I want to admit.
I have found it easier to pick one thing that fulfills me and stick to that, rather than trying to upend my life.
posted by sm1tten at 12:46 PM on April 15 [8 favorites]
In your shoes, I'd start applying to different jobs (applying doesn't mean you have to jump ship, but at least you'd know your options and that alone can give you more agency) and also start applying to opportunities that give you deadlines. Those could be workshops, artist residencies or retreats, fellowships, publications, competitions, etc. Deadlines are enormously motivational.
posted by vegartanipla at 1:08 PM on April 15
posted by vegartanipla at 1:08 PM on April 15
Can you reduce your paid work schedule and scale back in expenses so you can have more free time for art and nature?
posted by latkes at 1:41 PM on April 15 [3 favorites]
posted by latkes at 1:41 PM on April 15 [3 favorites]
Is it possible that some of the ennui is coming from the prospect of moving in with boyfriend and settling down, rather than just from the job itself? Is the boyfriend pressuring you to have the conventional settled down with kids life? Do you want it? As women we still face enormous pressure from society and our families to fit into that mold. To be frank, it doesnt sound like you want that life, and it's totally okay. The process of defining one's one value in society can seem like an almost insurmountable obstacle, but once you stop asking for permission, the voices fall away and you realize literally no one can control, define or direct your life unless you let them (barring threats to your physical safety).
I can sympathize with what you are feeling in regards to working in Comms. They always want to hire creative people for Comms but rarely draw on the creativity because the function is essentially conservative and based on risk mitigation unless you really have some visionary leaders in your org. One way in which you can count your blessings is that if your comms job is chill enough that you feel bored, you have a smaller risk of burnout, which I believe is endemic to the profession. Is there a way you can channel your ennui into writing about it? Can you open up a google doc in an incognito tab and jot down ideas during your slow periods? I have heard many times people say that creativity comes from constraints. Ennui is a complex and deeply human feeling that animals probably don't feel. Can you write about it? Aren't many novels written about that exact emotion? What's stopping you from harnessing it? Is it depression? Can you give yourself a break and forgive yourself first and foremost for everything youve done?
There's also the possibility that you have too much ennui in your life and you need to kickstart yourself through some indulgences. I find staying at home too much really gives me that soul crushing excess of boredom. Even if you can't move back to the city, can you take weekend road trips for a change of scenery? Can you spend a day walking along the city streets, observing people in their daily habits, witness a slice of human activity in the flesh and all its realness?
posted by winterportage at 2:12 PM on April 15 [4 favorites]
I can sympathize with what you are feeling in regards to working in Comms. They always want to hire creative people for Comms but rarely draw on the creativity because the function is essentially conservative and based on risk mitigation unless you really have some visionary leaders in your org. One way in which you can count your blessings is that if your comms job is chill enough that you feel bored, you have a smaller risk of burnout, which I believe is endemic to the profession. Is there a way you can channel your ennui into writing about it? Can you open up a google doc in an incognito tab and jot down ideas during your slow periods? I have heard many times people say that creativity comes from constraints. Ennui is a complex and deeply human feeling that animals probably don't feel. Can you write about it? Aren't many novels written about that exact emotion? What's stopping you from harnessing it? Is it depression? Can you give yourself a break and forgive yourself first and foremost for everything youve done?
There's also the possibility that you have too much ennui in your life and you need to kickstart yourself through some indulgences. I find staying at home too much really gives me that soul crushing excess of boredom. Even if you can't move back to the city, can you take weekend road trips for a change of scenery? Can you spend a day walking along the city streets, observing people in their daily habits, witness a slice of human activity in the flesh and all its realness?
posted by winterportage at 2:12 PM on April 15 [4 favorites]
When was the last time you had a holiday? When I feel like this it's usually because I haven't had significant time off in too long.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:32 PM on April 15 [1 favorite]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:32 PM on April 15 [1 favorite]
Lots of good advice here about treating the underlying depression, looking at other aspects of your life to see if you can mitigate some of the things that are draining your energy, and considering whether you can cut down on some of the hours in your main job to free up time for creativity.
I'd also suggest you take a good look at the people around you and see if you can identify anyone who might be even a little bit of a kindred spirit. I work in a part of the non-profit world that is not known for light-heartedness and creativity, yet when I began to talk about some of my own interests, I was amazed to find them shared by many people. My organization now approaches issues differently because of some of those conversations, and works to make space for employees to show that side of themselves. It's completely changed the atmosphere, and I'm so glad I took the risk of opening up a little about my artsy, creative life outside work.
posted by rpfields at 9:47 PM on April 15 [4 favorites]
I'd also suggest you take a good look at the people around you and see if you can identify anyone who might be even a little bit of a kindred spirit. I work in a part of the non-profit world that is not known for light-heartedness and creativity, yet when I began to talk about some of my own interests, I was amazed to find them shared by many people. My organization now approaches issues differently because of some of those conversations, and works to make space for employees to show that side of themselves. It's completely changed the atmosphere, and I'm so glad I took the risk of opening up a little about my artsy, creative life outside work.
posted by rpfields at 9:47 PM on April 15 [4 favorites]
ARE you depressed or is it really just the job? (You say it's the job and I'm inclined to trust you, but I didn't look at other questions you asked.) I would experiment with whether there are any pattern of work that lets you feel your creative side come out again, e.g., frequently taking 3-day weekends or clustering all your time off into a long vacation once a year or working 7-3 so you have a long afternoon or working 75 percent time so you can work 7-1 or 11-5. Stress and whatnot can influence the brain, so it may take a certain amount of time to shake that off and reactivate your creativity, for instance.
But also, you could consider other types of work and whether those would feel more soul-sustaining to you. There are definitely more off-screen jobs. Teaching?
Working at a not-great-but-not-terrible job to sustain an artistic career is a common path (I'm kinda surprised to hear your colleagues are boring -- I've known so many NGO people in bands, launching poetry journals, etc.), but also, if it's not working for you, maybe you need to experiment more to find a job that pays the bills while not contributing to shutting down that part of yourself.
posted by slidell at 7:20 AM on April 16 [1 favorite]
But also, you could consider other types of work and whether those would feel more soul-sustaining to you. There are definitely more off-screen jobs. Teaching?
Working at a not-great-but-not-terrible job to sustain an artistic career is a common path (I'm kinda surprised to hear your colleagues are boring -- I've known so many NGO people in bands, launching poetry journals, etc.), but also, if it's not working for you, maybe you need to experiment more to find a job that pays the bills while not contributing to shutting down that part of yourself.
posted by slidell at 7:20 AM on April 16 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm going to give a bit of real talk. I answered your 2019 question.
I struggle with some of this too. In 2019 I was still working in martial arts; last year I went back to digital marketing and communications, all full-time roles (except briefly over the pandemic.) In between I have indeed finished one book which I am still revising, written a second, completed a UX/UI certificate, completed the last couple courses for a degree, and taken about 4 art courses thorugh the community centre down the street. I meet with my writer's group monthly. I have two kids, a house, and I volunteer at a food bank.
It is busy! I did NOT finish a book over the pandemic, which I now regret - at the time it was just hard - and I have not had the sort of oomph to really get things /publishable/. Working in comms can sometimes "eat all the words." I think my trilogy is taking longer than Lord of the Rings.
BUT...I don't feel like my creative spirit is dying.
I actually love that I am currently making my money elsewhere (like you I had an editorial career in the past) so that I can craft my writing whatever way I want - silly, serious, experiment, throw out, tear up, rewrite, whatever.
It's very very freeing to be writing my silly-but-serious fairy book regardless of what The Market Wants and whether it wil be a hit on BookTok. I harbour dreams but...I am still just loving the writing part.
What I wonder, besides the excellent questions about depression and mental health, is whether you want to write, or whether you want to Be A Creative/Writer, Living The Artsy Life. It might be time to think about whether you love making art/writing or whether you want a certain lifestyle. They are not the same thing. Either is fine. It's okay to not like your job and change jobs. It's okay to take a risk on freelance writing. What is not great, is making your entire happiness about your work...any work. Creative work too.
Anyways, here's what helps me:
- setting specific times to write, including a weekend late morning/early afternoon
- going away for writing weekends - cheap AirBnB, pack some food, hunker down and write write write revise revise revise
- having a writers' group
- leaving work on time
- going for walks on my lunch break
- take classes!
For career switches...I did like in my martial arts job that I had a lot of words left at the end of the day, especially since 80% of my coworkers were 17-24 year olds making money part time. Lovely people, but zero interest in chatting personal lives together. On the other hand, I got calls at 9 at night, and dealt with a lot of really weird situations, some of which involved a lot of bodily fluids and all of which involved customer service in some way.
But you could look for something a bit less desk-y and a bit more active. You might take a pay cut or have to work odd hours. Evening and night receptions are really hard to find for some things (like martial arts studios - I hired several) but aren't always full time. I forget which writer-on-writing it was that said housepainting was good but I have kept that in mind (it's also hard and often dealing with toxic stuff.)
But also, really really think about whether it's the lack of creative time...or whether this is really about something else like identity or mental health.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:48 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]
I struggle with some of this too. In 2019 I was still working in martial arts; last year I went back to digital marketing and communications, all full-time roles (except briefly over the pandemic.) In between I have indeed finished one book which I am still revising, written a second, completed a UX/UI certificate, completed the last couple courses for a degree, and taken about 4 art courses thorugh the community centre down the street. I meet with my writer's group monthly. I have two kids, a house, and I volunteer at a food bank.
It is busy! I did NOT finish a book over the pandemic, which I now regret - at the time it was just hard - and I have not had the sort of oomph to really get things /publishable/. Working in comms can sometimes "eat all the words." I think my trilogy is taking longer than Lord of the Rings.
BUT...I don't feel like my creative spirit is dying.
I actually love that I am currently making my money elsewhere (like you I had an editorial career in the past) so that I can craft my writing whatever way I want - silly, serious, experiment, throw out, tear up, rewrite, whatever.
It's very very freeing to be writing my silly-but-serious fairy book regardless of what The Market Wants and whether it wil be a hit on BookTok. I harbour dreams but...I am still just loving the writing part.
What I wonder, besides the excellent questions about depression and mental health, is whether you want to write, or whether you want to Be A Creative/Writer, Living The Artsy Life. It might be time to think about whether you love making art/writing or whether you want a certain lifestyle. They are not the same thing. Either is fine. It's okay to not like your job and change jobs. It's okay to take a risk on freelance writing. What is not great, is making your entire happiness about your work...any work. Creative work too.
Anyways, here's what helps me:
- setting specific times to write, including a weekend late morning/early afternoon
- going away for writing weekends - cheap AirBnB, pack some food, hunker down and write write write revise revise revise
- having a writers' group
- leaving work on time
- going for walks on my lunch break
- take classes!
For career switches...I did like in my martial arts job that I had a lot of words left at the end of the day, especially since 80% of my coworkers were 17-24 year olds making money part time. Lovely people, but zero interest in chatting personal lives together. On the other hand, I got calls at 9 at night, and dealt with a lot of really weird situations, some of which involved a lot of bodily fluids and all of which involved customer service in some way.
But you could look for something a bit less desk-y and a bit more active. You might take a pay cut or have to work odd hours. Evening and night receptions are really hard to find for some things (like martial arts studios - I hired several) but aren't always full time. I forget which writer-on-writing it was that said housepainting was good but I have kept that in mind (it's also hard and often dealing with toxic stuff.)
But also, really really think about whether it's the lack of creative time...or whether this is really about something else like identity or mental health.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:48 AM on April 16 [5 favorites]
Oh, and also - when I switched from being an editor of a very well-known brand to working in martial arts, I experienced a serious loss of prestige. I have so many stories...the teacher who thought they had to explain sentence structure to me...martial arts clients who assumed I was stupid because I was wearing a company polo. (I also got sooo many free treats from workers in polos at chains. There is a community of getting-off-work-at-10pm presumed minimum wage work out there.)
For me, it was really good. I needed to divorce my self-image from my job title. But even having made all my changes joyfully, I did notice. I notice some distain in your post that might be worth examining. There's nothing wrong with basic work, including basic communications.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:03 AM on April 16 [1 favorite]
For me, it was really good. I needed to divorce my self-image from my job title. But even having made all my changes joyfully, I did notice. I notice some distain in your post that might be worth examining. There's nothing wrong with basic work, including basic communications.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:03 AM on April 16 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I truly don't know what to tell you on this one. I read all of your past posts and yes, there's definitely a theme of "I WANNA BE CREATIVE AT MY JOB!!!!!" over and over and over and over again.
Sure, you're depressed. I get it. I have some similar issues, though I got out of working in a creative field (involuntarily) many years ago and my current job has been toxic to me. However, I started getting treatment for depression and insomnia a few months ago and while I feel better, it's not going to fix the "I WANNA BE CREATIVE AT MY JOB!!!!" issue you have going on if you get that kind of treatment. I sleep more, and I'm less emotionally upset/not crying than I used to be, but the pills don't solve that issue for you.
my wants and needs are in conflict
Yes, that's entirely the problem. I can't tell you how many times I've been lectured on "what are your VALUES?" in job counseling and elsewhere and frankly, my values conflict. Fun and creativity do not go together with stable paycheck and health insurance. I've seen so many people working in creative fields lose their jobs over the years that it truly no longer seems worth it to me, though. I'm absolutely boggled while job hunting that people actually have a passion for corporate stuff that makes me glaze over in complete boredom, and write this in their job descriptions, and consider their work to be "exciting," which I've learned translates into "this office is a zoo with constant phone calls."
I truly think it's an either/or here. I've chosen the path of pursuing boring/"exciting" office work for the rest of my life--I note my current job counselor agrees with this because that's what you can get employed at and literally everyone I've talked to for years is stumped as to anything else I can do for work--and I do creative things for free outside of work. Much as working has become a poison to me, at least I can do creative things outside of work and I don't have to stress about it making my living or how I'm going to get health insurance for all those pills. That's my devil's bargain and as far as I can tell, this is the best it's gonna get, if I can get another office job again anyway. Awful jobs don't poison my ability to create after 5 p.m. and even suicidal depression because of my work hasn't killed that for me, go figure.
But you keep posting over and over and over again that you're miserable settling for a boring day job. That four years of settling has NOT worked for you. That you're SO miserable that you can't even create after 5 p.m. I come to the conclusion after reading all of this that you are completely unable to settle for boring day job.
So, my conclusion here is that you're going to have to give up regular pay and stability, because you continue to be miserable. Maybe you'll be miserable in the other direction, constantly switching jobs (or freelancing again) when jobs end, maybe you'll be miserable without the money and health insurance. Maybe you're just destined to be miserable on some level no matter what workwise--which is exactly how I feel about my work situation, because creativity and money don't go together unless you're mega-famous. But since settling for a boring day job isn't working either, you might as well try going in the opposite direction of creative-but-broke and see if you're feeling any better or just miserable in the opposite direction. Maybe you'll just have to swap back and forth between the career you want and the careers that pay the money.
Also, you'll need to talk to the new live-in boyfriend and see how he feels about the situation and if he can afford to financially support that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:48 AM on April 16 [3 favorites]
Sure, you're depressed. I get it. I have some similar issues, though I got out of working in a creative field (involuntarily) many years ago and my current job has been toxic to me. However, I started getting treatment for depression and insomnia a few months ago and while I feel better, it's not going to fix the "I WANNA BE CREATIVE AT MY JOB!!!!" issue you have going on if you get that kind of treatment. I sleep more, and I'm less emotionally upset/not crying than I used to be, but the pills don't solve that issue for you.
my wants and needs are in conflict
Yes, that's entirely the problem. I can't tell you how many times I've been lectured on "what are your VALUES?" in job counseling and elsewhere and frankly, my values conflict. Fun and creativity do not go together with stable paycheck and health insurance. I've seen so many people working in creative fields lose their jobs over the years that it truly no longer seems worth it to me, though. I'm absolutely boggled while job hunting that people actually have a passion for corporate stuff that makes me glaze over in complete boredom, and write this in their job descriptions, and consider their work to be "exciting," which I've learned translates into "this office is a zoo with constant phone calls."
I truly think it's an either/or here. I've chosen the path of pursuing boring/"exciting" office work for the rest of my life--I note my current job counselor agrees with this because that's what you can get employed at and literally everyone I've talked to for years is stumped as to anything else I can do for work--and I do creative things for free outside of work. Much as working has become a poison to me, at least I can do creative things outside of work and I don't have to stress about it making my living or how I'm going to get health insurance for all those pills. That's my devil's bargain and as far as I can tell, this is the best it's gonna get, if I can get another office job again anyway. Awful jobs don't poison my ability to create after 5 p.m. and even suicidal depression because of my work hasn't killed that for me, go figure.
But you keep posting over and over and over again that you're miserable settling for a boring day job. That four years of settling has NOT worked for you. That you're SO miserable that you can't even create after 5 p.m. I come to the conclusion after reading all of this that you are completely unable to settle for boring day job.
So, my conclusion here is that you're going to have to give up regular pay and stability, because you continue to be miserable. Maybe you'll be miserable in the other direction, constantly switching jobs (or freelancing again) when jobs end, maybe you'll be miserable without the money and health insurance. Maybe you're just destined to be miserable on some level no matter what workwise--which is exactly how I feel about my work situation, because creativity and money don't go together unless you're mega-famous. But since settling for a boring day job isn't working either, you might as well try going in the opposite direction of creative-but-broke and see if you're feeling any better or just miserable in the opposite direction. Maybe you'll just have to swap back and forth between the career you want and the careers that pay the money.
Also, you'll need to talk to the new live-in boyfriend and see how he feels about the situation and if he can afford to financially support that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:48 AM on April 16 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I actually love that I am currently making my money elsewhere (like you I had an editorial career in the past) so that I can craft my writing whatever way I want - silly, serious, experiment, throw out, tear up, rewrite, whatever.
It's very very freeing to be writing my silly-but-serious fairy book regardless of what The Market Wants and whether it wil be a hit on BookTok. I harbour dreams but...I am still just loving the writing part.
Yes, I've been pursuing my creative life separately from my paycheck for over 20 years, and I'm pretty satisfied. I mean, I'm not totally satisfied: I'd like to be able to work on my art and music full time. But unless I win the lottery (which I don't even play), or some kind of rich patron appears out of the blue, that's not in the cards.
However, the total creative freedom I have is great! I'm not obliged to distort my art in some way to cater to the desires of any employer, client, advertiser, or grant provider. I make what I want, when I want, how I want. It's a lot of responsibility, in the sense that I don't have much of a structure to keep me on track. But it's also very liberating.
So, my conclusion here is that you're going to have to give up regular pay and stability, because you continue to be miserable. Maybe you'll be miserable in the other direction, constantly switching jobs (or freelancing again) when jobs end, maybe you'll be miserable without the money and health insurance.
I think it's definitely worth giving the full-time creative career a go! I tried it myself. I went to film school and worked in the film industry. What I quickly discovered was that it was much more of a grind, and much less creatively fulfilling, than I'd hoped. So I went back to keeping my paycheck and my art on two separate tracks.
But maybe, OP, you need to give it a go. Find out if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. It seems likely that if you don't, you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of your life that you didn't try.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 6:38 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]
It's very very freeing to be writing my silly-but-serious fairy book regardless of what The Market Wants and whether it wil be a hit on BookTok. I harbour dreams but...I am still just loving the writing part.
Yes, I've been pursuing my creative life separately from my paycheck for over 20 years, and I'm pretty satisfied. I mean, I'm not totally satisfied: I'd like to be able to work on my art and music full time. But unless I win the lottery (which I don't even play), or some kind of rich patron appears out of the blue, that's not in the cards.
However, the total creative freedom I have is great! I'm not obliged to distort my art in some way to cater to the desires of any employer, client, advertiser, or grant provider. I make what I want, when I want, how I want. It's a lot of responsibility, in the sense that I don't have much of a structure to keep me on track. But it's also very liberating.
So, my conclusion here is that you're going to have to give up regular pay and stability, because you continue to be miserable. Maybe you'll be miserable in the other direction, constantly switching jobs (or freelancing again) when jobs end, maybe you'll be miserable without the money and health insurance.
I think it's definitely worth giving the full-time creative career a go! I tried it myself. I went to film school and worked in the film industry. What I quickly discovered was that it was much more of a grind, and much less creatively fulfilling, than I'd hoped. So I went back to keeping my paycheck and my art on two separate tracks.
But maybe, OP, you need to give it a go. Find out if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. It seems likely that if you don't, you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of your life that you didn't try.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 6:38 PM on April 17 [2 favorites]
« Older How to screen mirror from Windows 11 to TV... | Meaningful birthday gift for 10yo (first of series... Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
I have a job that pays the bills but is not personally fulfilling. It also is not particularly demanding. I do other stuff for personal fulfillment.
posted by adamrice at 10:19 AM on April 15 [4 favorites]