Still masking at work, which is a problem for one person
March 30, 2023 5:16 AM Subscribe
One of my coworkers is FASCINATED with the fact that I still wear a mask.
I’ve been working on-site as a temp. I have a few mild autoimmune disorders that I have under control during normal times, but that COVID would exacerbate. These are not things I would disclose to my job.
My boss and coworkers have been okay with my masking, but a woman in my department has been fixated on my mask wearing. On my first day, we were in a small enclosed space together and she asked “why are you still wearing a mask?” I said “…because I am?” in a polite, uncomfortable voice. She went “hmm” and left the room. I assumed this would be the end of it, but she’s made these neutral-sounding comments throughout my time there (“still wearing a mask?” “Where’s your mask?” when I was outside, etc). At one point we were in a full-department meeting and she showed up after me but before anyone else—I had put on my mask and she said “I saw you come in and thought that was part of your collar, but it’s your mask!” I made a joke about “oh, you have to stay color-coordinated!” and ran out to get some water. Her polite-seeming questions have made me so anxious that I’ve stopped wearing a mask at my desk if I know she’ll be in the office that day (she works remotely), which has made me more anxious.
This lady seems to be popular at work, and I’m afraid of doing anything in case she tries to retaliate, but I just want to be able to do my job and not worry about getting sick. Is there anything I can say to her to get her to drop this subject once and for all? FWIW I generally like this job and my coworkers, and I’m reluctant to make waves.
I’ve been working on-site as a temp. I have a few mild autoimmune disorders that I have under control during normal times, but that COVID would exacerbate. These are not things I would disclose to my job.
My boss and coworkers have been okay with my masking, but a woman in my department has been fixated on my mask wearing. On my first day, we were in a small enclosed space together and she asked “why are you still wearing a mask?” I said “…because I am?” in a polite, uncomfortable voice. She went “hmm” and left the room. I assumed this would be the end of it, but she’s made these neutral-sounding comments throughout my time there (“still wearing a mask?” “Where’s your mask?” when I was outside, etc). At one point we were in a full-department meeting and she showed up after me but before anyone else—I had put on my mask and she said “I saw you come in and thought that was part of your collar, but it’s your mask!” I made a joke about “oh, you have to stay color-coordinated!” and ran out to get some water. Her polite-seeming questions have made me so anxious that I’ve stopped wearing a mask at my desk if I know she’ll be in the office that day (she works remotely), which has made me more anxious.
This lady seems to be popular at work, and I’m afraid of doing anything in case she tries to retaliate, but I just want to be able to do my job and not worry about getting sick. Is there anything I can say to her to get her to drop this subject once and for all? FWIW I generally like this job and my coworkers, and I’m reluctant to make waves.
Speaking as someone who still wears a mask at work, and always goes outside to eat: just wear what you feel comfortable with. Don't let one person's rude comments control your behavior, especially around health.
posted by Alterscape at 5:24 AM on March 30, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by Alterscape at 5:24 AM on March 30, 2023 [19 favorites]
Tell her you’re sick and then cough a bunch.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:28 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 5:28 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
How annoying. If you're feeling brave, I think it would be funny to make her be even more annoying
"What?"
"Sorry what did you say?"
"Can you repeat that louder please?"
"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a mask."
You can, of course, understand everyone else and all comments non mask related just fine.
posted by phunniemee at 5:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
"What?"
"Sorry what did you say?"
"Can you repeat that louder please?"
"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a mask."
You can, of course, understand everyone else and all comments non mask related just fine.
posted by phunniemee at 5:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
Fuck her, wear your mask. For comments about the mask itself, make those interactions as boring as possible- “hmm,” “yes” etc.
This person may also be casting around for a topic of conversation, and they land back on the mask. If you want to stay on friendly terms with this person, find a topic of mutual interest (dogs, for example) and steer small talk to that. I had a person that was just terrible to talk with, but I had to interact with regularly. I just steered all small talk to her dogs.
Person I loath but I have to stay in good terms with: “Uncomfortable comment about something”
Me: “Hmm…hey how’s Peanut doing? Has she gotten into anything she’s not supposed to?”
Loathesome person: “Oh my, yes…(story ensues about the recent lipstick incident)”
Meeting facilitator: ok folks, it’s three minutes after the start of the hour, let’s get this meeting started.
posted by rockindata at 5:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
This person may also be casting around for a topic of conversation, and they land back on the mask. If you want to stay on friendly terms with this person, find a topic of mutual interest (dogs, for example) and steer small talk to that. I had a person that was just terrible to talk with, but I had to interact with regularly. I just steered all small talk to her dogs.
Person I loath but I have to stay in good terms with: “Uncomfortable comment about something”
Me: “Hmm…hey how’s Peanut doing? Has she gotten into anything she’s not supposed to?”
Loathesome person: “Oh my, yes…(story ensues about the recent lipstick incident)”
Meeting facilitator: ok folks, it’s three minutes after the start of the hour, let’s get this meeting started.
posted by rockindata at 5:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
You seem to assume a lot of current and potential hostility from this woman that perhaps isn't there. That's understandable. Instead of giving her the cold shoulder, which you are, if you actually want to engage in any sort of human connection with her you could answer her questions or simply return her questions.
"I have some personal reasons for wearing a mask that I don't want to discuss. I'd like to get to know you otherwise though. How is x.y.z going?"
"Thanks for asking about my mask. I wear it for personal reasons I don't want to discuss at work, but I appreciate you acknowledging it."
"Thanks for noticing that I am wearing a mask at work. Do you have personal concerns about my mask or are you just making conversation?"
It's also true that you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation for your mask and can just rebuff any question on any topic you don't like, be it masks or anything else. In which case you can just say:
"I appreciate all the questions about my mask. I don't like to talk about the reasons why I wear it. I hope we can talk about other things together."
It depends on what your goal is: stop talking about your mask with this person, or stop talking with this person altogether.
Speaking as a person who also has auto-immune conditions and understands from my own health advisors that masks, for me, are always a choice but not necessary, it is perhaps okay to point out, I hope, that many people including people who have much in common with you would make a different choice and also be curious about yours. Your mask is not a protected part of your inherent identity as a human being and someone asking about it is not inherently being hostile.
posted by desert exile at 5:40 AM on March 30, 2023 [44 favorites]
"I have some personal reasons for wearing a mask that I don't want to discuss. I'd like to get to know you otherwise though. How is x.y.z going?"
"Thanks for asking about my mask. I wear it for personal reasons I don't want to discuss at work, but I appreciate you acknowledging it."
"Thanks for noticing that I am wearing a mask at work. Do you have personal concerns about my mask or are you just making conversation?"
It's also true that you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation for your mask and can just rebuff any question on any topic you don't like, be it masks or anything else. In which case you can just say:
"I appreciate all the questions about my mask. I don't like to talk about the reasons why I wear it. I hope we can talk about other things together."
It depends on what your goal is: stop talking about your mask with this person, or stop talking with this person altogether.
Speaking as a person who also has auto-immune conditions and understands from my own health advisors that masks, for me, are always a choice but not necessary, it is perhaps okay to point out, I hope, that many people including people who have much in common with you would make a different choice and also be curious about yours. Your mask is not a protected part of your inherent identity as a human being and someone asking about it is not inherently being hostile.
posted by desert exile at 5:40 AM on March 30, 2023 [44 favorites]
It depends on what you'd feel most comfortable saying. You can say:
Please stop commenting on my mask
We don't need to keep discussing my mask
I don't want to talk about my mask anymore
Your focus on my mask is making me uncomfortable
My reasons for protecting myself are private, I don't want to discuss it
I just want to do my job and not get sick or get my family sick, please leave me alone about my mask
Stop harassing me about my mask
You've made your point about my mask, I'm going to keep wearing it, please drop the subject
I'm done discussing my mask now
You can also just start gray-rocking and simply stop responding, or just say "okay" to every mention, question, or comment. You can give a small "no" shake of your head before continuing on your way or redirecting to whatever necessary work-related topic is at hand.
You might reframe this person's "popularity" as actually she's an asshole and picks on everyone but not quite enough to get in trouble so everyone has to fawn to try to avoid her attention. I can only imagine what she does to someone who has a visible disability, what a nightmare. Honestly if you see anything like that, or she starts escalating with you, it is worth just asking your boss in your next 1:1 if he knows what her deal is? Like, you don't have to frame it as a formal complaint or anything, just like "what is UP with that lady and my mask" because they may either know what is UP and you don't know the half of it, or at least Boss will now be tipped off that there is a potential problem in the environment.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
Please stop commenting on my mask
We don't need to keep discussing my mask
I don't want to talk about my mask anymore
Your focus on my mask is making me uncomfortable
My reasons for protecting myself are private, I don't want to discuss it
I just want to do my job and not get sick or get my family sick, please leave me alone about my mask
Stop harassing me about my mask
You've made your point about my mask, I'm going to keep wearing it, please drop the subject
I'm done discussing my mask now
You can also just start gray-rocking and simply stop responding, or just say "okay" to every mention, question, or comment. You can give a small "no" shake of your head before continuing on your way or redirecting to whatever necessary work-related topic is at hand.
You might reframe this person's "popularity" as actually she's an asshole and picks on everyone but not quite enough to get in trouble so everyone has to fawn to try to avoid her attention. I can only imagine what she does to someone who has a visible disability, what a nightmare. Honestly if you see anything like that, or she starts escalating with you, it is worth just asking your boss in your next 1:1 if he knows what her deal is? Like, you don't have to frame it as a formal complaint or anything, just like "what is UP with that lady and my mask" because they may either know what is UP and you don't know the half of it, or at least Boss will now be tipped off that there is a potential problem in the environment.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
Mod note: Comment removed. Please stick to the Ask Metafilter Content Policy and keep your answers focused on the question, not what other commenters write.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:55 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 5:55 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Honestly, last time I had a coworker who would say things specifically to get a rise out of people or be generally annoying, when she did the thing I would just stare at her until she said something appropriate.
It was very effective, but very awkward. Her
behavior around me was much better than other coworkers so I think it worked out just fine .
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:06 AM on March 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
It was very effective, but very awkward. Her
behavior around me was much better than other coworkers so I think it worked out just fine .
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:06 AM on March 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
I just tell people that one of my jobs/my other job still has a zero-tolerance policy about any signs of illness. Which they do, but I've noticed that it's so effective in getting people to drop the topic that I'll happily keep using it as an "excuse" when needed even if they relax that standard at some point.
posted by teremala at 6:07 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 6:07 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I would read this as a hostile overstep too, and am really sympathetic, as one of the last people masking in my own workplace. I'm sorry you have to spend your work time thinking about this for even one second!
I think maybe in your shoes I would go with one last "I'm pretty much always going to be wearing a mask at work, and the answer isn't going to change, so I'm not sure why you keep asking me about this. Let's not talk about my mask anymore."
And then any future questions would be met with, "I asked you not to talk about my mask," period.
posted by Stacey at 6:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [26 favorites]
I think maybe in your shoes I would go with one last "I'm pretty much always going to be wearing a mask at work, and the answer isn't going to change, so I'm not sure why you keep asking me about this. Let's not talk about my mask anymore."
And then any future questions would be met with, "I asked you not to talk about my mask," period.
posted by Stacey at 6:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [26 favorites]
Mod note: Several more comments removed. Please stick to helping the OP (and minding the Content Policy) by responding to the OP's specific concerns, thank you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:19 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 6:19 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
"It helps me mind my own business."
posted by bondcliff at 6:32 AM on March 30, 2023 [49 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 6:32 AM on March 30, 2023 [49 favorites]
I tell people “to protect you from any illnesses I might have.” Which is the truth; masks are even better protection for her than they are for you.
posted by shadygrove at 6:37 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:37 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Oh my goodness please do not stop wearing your mask at your desk with your legitimate health concerns! You owe this co-worker nothing, but honoring your own body and health is so important.
Miss Manners would, I think, suggest what folks have said above: a simple and very clear request that she stop talking about your mask, repeated again and again as needed, in meetings, outside or elsewhere, should work on any human with a soul. If it doesn't, then a simple polite note to your supervisor expressing that you'd like to not have your mask use singled out in the workplace is the next step. FWIW I would definitely *not* lie and say something like "I appreciate all the questions about my mask" when you don't appreciate them at all, and wouldn't even add "i have personal reasons," as that's none of her business. Just keep on politely, firmly asking her to stop talking about your mask, and quietly escalate to your supervisor, or to HR if that's an option, if the co-worker refuses to honor your quite reasonable request.
posted by mediareport at 6:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
Miss Manners would, I think, suggest what folks have said above: a simple and very clear request that she stop talking about your mask, repeated again and again as needed, in meetings, outside or elsewhere, should work on any human with a soul. If it doesn't, then a simple polite note to your supervisor expressing that you'd like to not have your mask use singled out in the workplace is the next step. FWIW I would definitely *not* lie and say something like "I appreciate all the questions about my mask" when you don't appreciate them at all, and wouldn't even add "i have personal reasons," as that's none of her business. Just keep on politely, firmly asking her to stop talking about your mask, and quietly escalate to your supervisor, or to HR if that's an option, if the co-worker refuses to honor your quite reasonable request.
posted by mediareport at 6:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
“You might not realize it, but you’ve commented on my mask every single time you’ve seen me for the past month. Is everything ok?”
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [83 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [83 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're being harassed at work. I agree with making a clear statement asking her to stop. You've been making quite a fuss about my decision to wear a mask. Please stop. and after that I asked you to stop. Cut it out. Start documenting every interaction. Send an email from work to home with the place, time, date, description. Then if you decide to complain to HR, you have facts. HR is unlikely do do much, but might caution her. You're making a reasonable health decision and she's harassing you about it. This is workplace bullying.
posted by theora55 at 6:44 AM on March 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 6:44 AM on March 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
I agree with all of the suggestions above. One thing: I thought a past coworker was popular as well because they made similarly cutting remarks and everyone else would give a polite laugh.
It turns out they were not popular and no one wanted to deal with it. It really is up to a supervisor to quietly stamp out this out for you. You owe this person nothing.
posted by cowlick at 6:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [11 favorites]
It turns out they were not popular and no one wanted to deal with it. It really is up to a supervisor to quietly stamp out this out for you. You owe this person nothing.
posted by cowlick at 6:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [11 favorites]
You're making a reasonable health decision and she's harassing you about it. This is workplace bullying.
Seconding this - there was a whole section about "Obsessing over Other People's Covid Status Is Harrassment, Y'all" in the annual mandatory HR training we had this year where I work.
Because, think about it - we're talking about something that you have chosen to wear on your body which does not affect her, and she's decided to make a thing about it. Would it be okay if she also make comments like that about co-workers who wore a yarmulke? Or a hijab? She would probably be first to say "no" (and if she isn't, then that's a whole other problem). So why is commenting on their attire not okay but commenting on yours is?
Wear the mask, point out that her pestering you is a problem and ask her to stop, and escalate if necessary. I know you're a temp and you don't think they're going to be looking out for you, but all companies are very VERY invested in wanting to make sure none of their employees are being jerks, and she's being one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on March 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Seconding this - there was a whole section about "Obsessing over Other People's Covid Status Is Harrassment, Y'all" in the annual mandatory HR training we had this year where I work.
Because, think about it - we're talking about something that you have chosen to wear on your body which does not affect her, and she's decided to make a thing about it. Would it be okay if she also make comments like that about co-workers who wore a yarmulke? Or a hijab? She would probably be first to say "no" (and if she isn't, then that's a whole other problem). So why is commenting on their attire not okay but commenting on yours is?
Wear the mask, point out that her pestering you is a problem and ask her to stop, and escalate if necessary. I know you're a temp and you don't think they're going to be looking out for you, but all companies are very VERY invested in wanting to make sure none of their employees are being jerks, and she's being one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on March 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
It doesn't seem that OP is asking whether they should still wear a mask, they are asking how to deal with this woman who keeps asking about it.
Is it possible she is kind of ignorant and genuinely doesn't understand why someone would still be masking? You don't owe her an explanation, but it's possible that if you give one ("I have an autoimmune disorder and need to be safe") she will stop asking (that is, if she is genuinely curious and not trying to harass you).
posted by bearette at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Is it possible she is kind of ignorant and genuinely doesn't understand why someone would still be masking? You don't owe her an explanation, but it's possible that if you give one ("I have an autoimmune disorder and need to be safe") she will stop asking (that is, if she is genuinely curious and not trying to harass you).
posted by bearette at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
"I'm not comfortable discussing health issues in the workplace like this." I'm not sure that wording is quite right, but you want to suggest to this person that there is some actual liability to her in continuing to ask these questions by using semi-official language. Suggest that this is becoming an issue you might escalate.
posted by BibiRose at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you want to make a joke of her questions, you could respond with “yes, I have to maintain my air of mystery.”
But seriously speaking have you ever expressed a clear boundary in words to her? I find that rude people are often so used to being allowed to bulldoze over others that when they get an unambiguous no from someone it can jolt them enough that you only need to do it the one time. When they continue after that is when you have to escalate things to a manager or whoever. Maybe try something like “I need you to stop asking me about my mask. I’m going to keep wearing it and that won’t change.” Of course it shouldn’t come to this in the first place, but sometimes people are truly oblivious to another’s discomfort.
posted by Mizu at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
But seriously speaking have you ever expressed a clear boundary in words to her? I find that rude people are often so used to being allowed to bulldoze over others that when they get an unambiguous no from someone it can jolt them enough that you only need to do it the one time. When they continue after that is when you have to escalate things to a manager or whoever. Maybe try something like “I need you to stop asking me about my mask. I’m going to keep wearing it and that won’t change.” Of course it shouldn’t come to this in the first place, but sometimes people are truly oblivious to another’s discomfort.
posted by Mizu at 7:03 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
I like nouvelle-persone's or some variation. After next comment I'd give a sort of half-jokingly frustrated "Damn WHY are you SO fixated on my mask?? Are you ok?? Do you have any questions you just want to get out of your system?"
This will probably bring her actual feelings to a surface and trigger something from her like "yeah why do you still wear a mask when no one else does/don't need to anymore/covid is over/etc" to which you can just explain "I have a lot on my plate right now and am trying not to get sick, I get sick REALLY easily. Anything else? Any other questions, or are we good?"
I think it's stupid that she gets to make stupid jokes and comments and make you feel put on the spot because she's "popular" and you don't. Fuck her! Put her on the spot.
posted by windbox at 7:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
This will probably bring her actual feelings to a surface and trigger something from her like "yeah why do you still wear a mask when no one else does/don't need to anymore/covid is over/etc" to which you can just explain "I have a lot on my plate right now and am trying not to get sick, I get sick REALLY easily. Anything else? Any other questions, or are we good?"
I think it's stupid that she gets to make stupid jokes and comments and make you feel put on the spot because she's "popular" and you don't. Fuck her! Put her on the spot.
posted by windbox at 7:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
When I have been in a similar situation in the past, with someone at work asking repeated questions about something I didn't want to talk about (my pending divorce), I consistently responded to whatever part of their comment wasn't about my divorce.
When they said "How did it feel going to X movie without your husband?" I would say "I really liked the part in X movie where THING happened." When they said "How does your soon-to-be ex-husband feel about you doing Y?" I would say "I'm so excited about Y." The great thing about this is that it really annoyed the person asking, but they couldn't admit they were annoyed without also admitting that they were, in fact, being nosey about my divorce.
So when your colleague says "No mask outside, huh?" you can say "Isn't it a pretty day?" And when they say "I thought your mask was your collar!" you can say "I should wear collared shirts more often to keep my neck warm!" And then when they say "Why are you still wearing a mask?" you can say "Because I haven't taken it off yet."
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:11 AM on March 30, 2023 [27 favorites]
When they said "How did it feel going to X movie without your husband?" I would say "I really liked the part in X movie where THING happened." When they said "How does your soon-to-be ex-husband feel about you doing Y?" I would say "I'm so excited about Y." The great thing about this is that it really annoyed the person asking, but they couldn't admit they were annoyed without also admitting that they were, in fact, being nosey about my divorce.
So when your colleague says "No mask outside, huh?" you can say "Isn't it a pretty day?" And when they say "I thought your mask was your collar!" you can say "I should wear collared shirts more often to keep my neck warm!" And then when they say "Why are you still wearing a mask?" you can say "Because I haven't taken it off yet."
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:11 AM on March 30, 2023 [27 favorites]
It sounds like you haven't been direct with her (polite people often aren't), and it's possible she's just very bad at picking up on cues. So I'd start with just, "Would you please stop making comments about my mask? It really bothers me." She will either apologize or try to deflect her discomfort by saying it shouldn't be a big deal or she didn't mean it or something. If so, you can say, "I know you don't mean any harm, but it still bothers me, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop." I'd give her one more chance after that, then take it to a supervisor.
posted by FencingGal at 7:18 AM on March 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 7:18 AM on March 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Them: Still masking?
You; Can you keep a secret?
Them: Yes, of course.
You: So can I.
Then walk away or change the subject. It may take them a few beats to get it, but if they have half a brain, they will catch on.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:21 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
You; Can you keep a secret?
Them: Yes, of course.
You: So can I.
Then walk away or change the subject. It may take them a few beats to get it, but if they have half a brain, they will catch on.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:21 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am going to add to what desert exile is saying. If this person is popular at work, maybe this is her way of trying to connect. And no, it is not appropriate, but the work place is weird and it is hard to sometimes figure out a way in to get to know someone.
Instead of shutting things down or not wearing your mask (for you mask wearing is important - please keep doing that), why don't you try asking a question back. Like have you ever said "how are you?" at the same time as someone else says "how are you doing?" and neither of you answer the question because the point was just to start a conversation.
So, when she says "mask..." you can say "How was your weekend?" or "Wow the weather sure is _____" or "I saw two ducks in the parking lot, do you think they have a nest around here?"
If she is the nosy type, eventually you will have to say something - see scripts from others above. You cannot take it to HR or your boss if you don't first say "Please stop." But I am recommending a step before, since you like the job and the other people, you may find that if you have first established that you can talk about other, neutral to you or possibly even interesting to you topics, when you do say something about your mask that can be the last time. But if you don't find something to talk about that is not the mask - the thing she is currently fixated on when she sees your face - and you are not giving her another in, then you may lose a workplace opportunity.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 7:23 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Instead of shutting things down or not wearing your mask (for you mask wearing is important - please keep doing that), why don't you try asking a question back. Like have you ever said "how are you?" at the same time as someone else says "how are you doing?" and neither of you answer the question because the point was just to start a conversation.
So, when she says "mask..." you can say "How was your weekend?" or "Wow the weather sure is _____" or "I saw two ducks in the parking lot, do you think they have a nest around here?"
If she is the nosy type, eventually you will have to say something - see scripts from others above. You cannot take it to HR or your boss if you don't first say "Please stop." But I am recommending a step before, since you like the job and the other people, you may find that if you have first established that you can talk about other, neutral to you or possibly even interesting to you topics, when you do say something about your mask that can be the last time. But if you don't find something to talk about that is not the mask - the thing she is currently fixated on when she sees your face - and you are not giving her another in, then you may lose a workplace opportunity.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 7:23 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm still masking, and yes I've gotten some rather nasty comments. The one that sticks out was from a transit cop who called me a pussy while I was riding the subway. He and his buddy thought that was great fun.
I don't give a flying fig newton what others think of my mask. You shouldn't either.
posted by james33 at 7:28 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I don't give a flying fig newton what others think of my mask. You shouldn't either.
posted by james33 at 7:28 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Next time she asks about your wearing a mask say "Oh I feel safer wearing it indoors because of the ongoing pandemic." then go into some diversionary topic: "Hey, do you have any summer travel plans?", "Hey do you know when coworker X will be back from their vacation?", "Hey, that's a really pretty shirt, the color looks great on you!" blah blah blah. Just grey rock the response to mask questions and bounce to a distraction. With people who are hyperfocused on something that SHOULD BE OBVIOUS!!!! you can only internally eyeroll and move on.
Not part of your ask, but I hope mods allow me to support you in continuing to wear your mask! Do not endanger yourself because of this rude busybody!
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 7:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Not part of your ask, but I hope mods allow me to support you in continuing to wear your mask! Do not endanger yourself because of this rude busybody!
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 7:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I agree with others who say this sounds like harassment and not friendly, but unlike some others I’m not honestly sure that your best move as a temp is to pursue it with your boss. I actually think you’ve been handling it as well as you can by deflecting and trying to keep it light, in the face of someone who is really being kind of an asshole to you. I hope that the support you’re seeing here will make that easier to sustain. It hurts my heart to think of people feeling bullied into taking health risks they don’t want to take. People in your situation are a big part of why I still mask.
posted by eirias at 7:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by eirias at 7:41 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I agree with those who say she probably isn't all that popular at work. It's likely she is just chatty and nosy, and your coworkers roll with it as the path of least resistance.
As a former temp, I get that your position is awkward, and it feels a bit of a no man's land.
When I was asked inappropriate things, I would respond in a broad way or bounce the question back, instead of replying in personal terms.
In your shoes, I would say something like, "Sometimes people still wear masks because they're medically vulnerable, or because they live with someone who is, or because of personal preference. Regardless, it's not a big deal and I'd like to move on to a new topic. Any big weekend plans?"
posted by champers at 7:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
As a former temp, I get that your position is awkward, and it feels a bit of a no man's land.
When I was asked inappropriate things, I would respond in a broad way or bounce the question back, instead of replying in personal terms.
In your shoes, I would say something like, "Sometimes people still wear masks because they're medically vulnerable, or because they live with someone who is, or because of personal preference. Regardless, it's not a big deal and I'd like to move on to a new topic. Any big weekend plans?"
posted by champers at 7:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Coming back in with a thought about your temp status:
I am also a former temp, and I totally feel you on the awkwardness of your status as far as HR goes. But - since you're a temp, you also have a temp agency behind you, and part of what your agency is supposed to do is look out for you when things get weird at the place they've sent you. So if you don't feel comfortable speaking to the HR department where you're placed, then maybe speak to your temp agency contact and ask them to address this. They have probably had a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and can give you advice about how to handle things on the fly yourself - and they would also know best how to speak to HR on your behalf (and whether that's the best move, or if something else is).
So yeah - if you don't feel comfortable bringing this up with the HR department where you are, try going to your own temp agency.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:52 AM on March 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
I am also a former temp, and I totally feel you on the awkwardness of your status as far as HR goes. But - since you're a temp, you also have a temp agency behind you, and part of what your agency is supposed to do is look out for you when things get weird at the place they've sent you. So if you don't feel comfortable speaking to the HR department where you're placed, then maybe speak to your temp agency contact and ask them to address this. They have probably had a lot of experience with this sort of thing, and can give you advice about how to handle things on the fly yourself - and they would also know best how to speak to HR on your behalf (and whether that's the best move, or if something else is).
So yeah - if you don't feel comfortable bringing this up with the HR department where you are, try going to your own temp agency.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:52 AM on March 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
I was just telling my partner the other day that if I had been a kid right now, I almost certainly would be one of the majority of kids who wouldn't be wearing a mask indoors any more.
A lot of people aren't wearing masks right now because their society told them they didn't have to. And didn't think too hard past whatever the CDC and their local government/work/etc announces.
But then someone comes into your coworker's work and they're still wearing a mask and that's different. She probably hasn't gotten the memo that there's still a pandemic on and that masks can still help stop the spread. If I were in her position, I'd be wanting to know what I didn't know.
Based on what I've read here, she could be asking for an opportunity to learn and grow. She may well be hyperfocusing on your mask because she isn't a turn-to-the-internet-for-answers person and genuinely wants to know.
posted by aniola at 8:01 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
A lot of people aren't wearing masks right now because their society told them they didn't have to. And didn't think too hard past whatever the CDC and their local government/work/etc announces.
But then someone comes into your coworker's work and they're still wearing a mask and that's different. She probably hasn't gotten the memo that there's still a pandemic on and that masks can still help stop the spread. If I were in her position, I'd be wanting to know what I didn't know.
Based on what I've read here, she could be asking for an opportunity to learn and grow. She may well be hyperfocusing on your mask because she isn't a turn-to-the-internet-for-answers person and genuinely wants to know.
posted by aniola at 8:01 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
“Yeah, I’m pretty good at resisting peer pressure to do things that would be dangerous to me, even if they’re ok for other people.”
“Yeah, I got used to wearing the mask and have discovered that I really like it. Planning on keeping it up.”
“I mean honestly, with as fashionable as you are, I’m surprised you aren’t making a fashion statement with one!”
“Well now I’m wearing it just to find out how you are going to bring it up again, since you do every single time and at this point I’m curious how long you can go.”
posted by Bottlecap at 8:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
“Yeah, I got used to wearing the mask and have discovered that I really like it. Planning on keeping it up.”
“I mean honestly, with as fashionable as you are, I’m surprised you aren’t making a fashion statement with one!”
“Well now I’m wearing it just to find out how you are going to bring it up again, since you do every single time and at this point I’m curious how long you can go.”
posted by Bottlecap at 8:08 AM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
You don't have to disclose your own medical issues, but you can always say "I have relatives with illnesses" or just plain "I don't want to catch it," which is my own personal explanation. Then people tell me "it's okay," and I say, "I have no idea if I'd get long covid or not, but I don't want to beat myself up for the rest of my life the one day I freed my face and caught it either." I tend to find that giving someone some kind of reasonable explanation is more likely to shut them up than just shutting them down with a "none of your business," but you don't have to give the actual explanation.
But seriously, this lady is being rude (and I actually do think this lady would be similarly rude if someone had on a head scarf or whatnot) and needs to grow up. It's not her fucking business to go "You have a mask on!" every damn day like it's a fresh new shocker. At this point it should at bare minimum be socially polite to not comment on someone trying to take precautions even if "everyone else is okay."
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:10 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
But seriously, this lady is being rude (and I actually do think this lady would be similarly rude if someone had on a head scarf or whatnot) and needs to grow up. It's not her fucking business to go "You have a mask on!" every damn day like it's a fresh new shocker. At this point it should at bare minimum be socially polite to not comment on someone trying to take precautions even if "everyone else is okay."
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:10 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Many of the suggestions seem unproductively confrontational/impolite to me. If your goal is to (a) get her to stop commenting about your mask-wearing habits AND (b) not make waves or enemies, I think it would probably be best to say something that's both clear and politely gentle. Perhaps something along the lines of, "Hey, Coworker, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but I don't love it when people make a thing out of me continuing to wear a mask. It's for personal reasons that I don't really want to talk about, yanno? Anyway, not trying to make a big deal out of it. So, how was your weekend...?" This is, of course, something you'd want to do in a context where she's just said something about your mask and you can respond without drawing in any other people. It just never hurts to try the polite and gentle thing before turning it up to 11. Also, when someone goes from what seems like a green light to a pretty aggressive red light with no appearance of a yellow light in-between, reactions the interaction can become more about the manner in which you expressed yourself rather than the actual thing you wanted. Then you end up as the bad guy who burned someone's house down rather than the person who set a reasonable boundary.
posted by slkinsey at 8:19 AM on March 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by slkinsey at 8:19 AM on March 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
I am not convinced she is clueless, especially if a lot of this happens when you are meeting 1:1 but not in front of many others. But I agree with everybody who suggests the way forward is to engage with her on other general chit chat but refuse to engage in any mask conversation.
If she gives you a way in where you can ignore the mask part of the topic do that. If not just change the subject without engaging with her question. That way you're friendly/conversational but you are also not gratifying her with a response.
If she then still insists on pushing the 'mask' topic she is setting herself up for an HR complaint because there is no way to do that, that doesn't force her to cross lines she should not be crossing in the workplace.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:25 AM on March 30, 2023
If she gives you a way in where you can ignore the mask part of the topic do that. If not just change the subject without engaging with her question. That way you're friendly/conversational but you are also not gratifying her with a response.
If she then still insists on pushing the 'mask' topic she is setting herself up for an HR complaint because there is no way to do that, that doesn't force her to cross lines she should not be crossing in the workplace.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:25 AM on March 30, 2023
Yeah, while I absolutely would love to be rude to a person like this, I don't think that will get you the results you want.
I still mask at work. If someone was being this nosy about it, I'd ask, in a very genuine and friendly way, if they would like one. That will probably get her to tell you more than you could ever want to know about what she thinks about masking. Since it's likely she'll try to tell you Covid is over or not real or whatever, I'd just say "Well, I can't say I agree with that," or even, "Oh, okay," and then pivot right away to small talk. If she still refuses to drop it, that's when I'd plan visits to HR, and so forth. Being a temp wouldn't even occur to me as a reason not to; any company should have some kind of interest in not attracting lawsuits from a person with a condition for which permission to wear a mask is a super reasonable and unobtrusive accommodation.
posted by the liquid oxygen at 8:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I still mask at work. If someone was being this nosy about it, I'd ask, in a very genuine and friendly way, if they would like one. That will probably get her to tell you more than you could ever want to know about what she thinks about masking. Since it's likely she'll try to tell you Covid is over or not real or whatever, I'd just say "Well, I can't say I agree with that," or even, "Oh, okay," and then pivot right away to small talk. If she still refuses to drop it, that's when I'd plan visits to HR, and so forth. Being a temp wouldn't even occur to me as a reason not to; any company should have some kind of interest in not attracting lawsuits from a person with a condition for which permission to wear a mask is a super reasonable and unobtrusive accommodation.
posted by the liquid oxygen at 8:33 AM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I agree with those suggesting that if she really is asking in a "polite-seeming" way as indicated by the OP, there is at least a good possibility she's clueless. In my very blue dot of a city, where masking was near-universal at one point, now basically nobody masks any more. A chit-chat technique of the socially clumsy is to just comment on whatever seems unique or different about a person, and so it's possible her choice of commenting on your mask (vs. anything else) isn't that deep. That doesn't of course mean that it's not obnoxious!
I like nouvelle-personne's script, another option would be to allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable to invite her to feel a bit of shame, i.e. "I realize you likely don't intend this, but regardless, your constant questions about my mask make me feel anxious about coming into work. Can we please drop this from a subject of discussion? It would mean a lot to me." If she responds badly, then definitely go to management.
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 AM on March 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I like nouvelle-personne's script, another option would be to allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable to invite her to feel a bit of shame, i.e. "I realize you likely don't intend this, but regardless, your constant questions about my mask make me feel anxious about coming into work. Can we please drop this from a subject of discussion? It would mean a lot to me." If she responds badly, then definitely go to management.
posted by coffeecat at 8:36 AM on March 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I missed the Temp component. I temped for a period of time, and may again. I'd arrive, and get the subtle eyeroll and Sigh, the braindead loser from Kelly is here and someone would train me. I'd end up showing them tricks on their phone system, organizing things, sharing expertise on software. I'd always bring in a picture of my son for the desk, just to have a few sq. inches of my own territory. If the job was open, it was often offered, and I eventually accepted a nice one. You deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less.
posted by theora55 at 8:58 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:58 AM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Her intentions behind asking you are totally irrelevant! It's unambiguously, 100%, always rude to ask someone why they are wearing a mask. A person's choice to wear or not wear a mask is their own goddamned business. Since you have to work with this person, I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they are clueless and lack social skills rather than assuming they are trying to bully you, but you should absolutely tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and you wish they would stop bringing it up.
posted by cakelite at 9:10 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 9:10 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
There are a lot of good suggestions here. I have a neutral-ish suggestion that has the benefit of being true (not that the others aren't), and is also handy for other situtations - anytime you don't know how to respond to something that someone has said, really:
I don't know how to respond to that.
The simple beauty of this statement is that it is the god's honest truth. You've already put a lot of thought and time into figuring out how to respond, but this statement is all the response you need.
Turn your brain off - your work here is done - and just keep looking at them, with a very placcid expression in the awkward silence that follows.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:20 AM on March 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
I don't know how to respond to that.
The simple beauty of this statement is that it is the god's honest truth. You've already put a lot of thought and time into figuring out how to respond, but this statement is all the response you need.
Turn your brain off - your work here is done - and just keep looking at them, with a very placcid expression in the awkward silence that follows.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:20 AM on March 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
Really, I think we should all know the reasons why someone would wear a mask now and you should not have to wonder with deep curiosity as to which one it is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:38 AM on March 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
When someone at work asked me "Wow! You are still masking, why?" I said in a flat cutting tone "Umm -- because I don't want to get sick?"
She looked abashed and never asked again. But if she had, I would just keep saying that.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 9:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
She looked abashed and never asked again. But if she had, I would just keep saying that.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 9:46 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Just wanted to suggest a different approach - make it about her. After all, wearing a mask is a just a thing that you do every day - no surprise, no big deal, no impact on anyone else. Yet somehow this perfectly ordinary thing is provoking comments from her all the time - what's up with that? Next time she says something, you could say,"What is it with you and the mask questions? I wear a mask every day and everyone else is just used to it but you seem to make a comment almost every time". Whatever she says (probably something defensive), say "OK. I just thought it was weird that you keep comment on my mask." and then change the subject. If she does it again, just say "You and your mask questions", shake your head and then move away or change the topic.
What I like about this is you don't have to explain or defend why you are wearing a mask and you aren't showing that her questions bother you or creating a conflict where you ask her not to and she does it again. Instead you are taking the uncomfortableness to her. After all, no one else feels any need to keep talking about masks - she's the one being weird here, not you.
posted by metahawk at 10:02 AM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
What I like about this is you don't have to explain or defend why you are wearing a mask and you aren't showing that her questions bother you or creating a conflict where you ask her not to and she does it again. Instead you are taking the uncomfortableness to her. After all, no one else feels any need to keep talking about masks - she's the one being weird here, not you.
posted by metahawk at 10:02 AM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
My earlier comment was removed, but I still think the best response is Big Gray Rock.
eta: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 10:22 AM on March 30, 2023
eta: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 10:22 AM on March 30, 2023
There are a lot of people who will seek any opportunity for connection, which means asking about or talking about whatever they can visually discern is different about you. This is not at _all_ judgment. This is a sincere effort to start a conversation or learn about you, or to be "social".
I'm not saying this woman is one of them -- but you haven't given any evidence to the contrary _in this question_, so it's worth considering.
I think it might be a real cultural difference, either generational (older), regional (Southern), ethical (having a personal responsibility to make everyone one's 'neighbor' is a real thing in some kinds of Christianity), or a combination or none of these things.
That framework, combined with a certain kind of naivete/cluelessness/incomplete education, and/or being too tired or otherwise indisposed to think things through a couple of extra steps, can easily lead a kind, well-intentioned person [from my hometown] to view 'asking about their mask' as a reasonable and friendly volley.
Then, insufficient personal resources/creativity/feedback-from-you could then lead to this being repeated over and over; it becomes, for this person, the thing they have to talk about with you. You could call this lazy, or you could say they only have so many spoons and they're using them up trying to do this with everyone on top of various other life commitments.
Please do not attribute to malice that which can possibly-at-all be explained by lack of information, or culture.
posted by amtho at 10:30 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm not saying this woman is one of them -- but you haven't given any evidence to the contrary _in this question_, so it's worth considering.
I think it might be a real cultural difference, either generational (older), regional (Southern), ethical (having a personal responsibility to make everyone one's 'neighbor' is a real thing in some kinds of Christianity), or a combination or none of these things.
That framework, combined with a certain kind of naivete/cluelessness/incomplete education, and/or being too tired or otherwise indisposed to think things through a couple of extra steps, can easily lead a kind, well-intentioned person [from my hometown] to view 'asking about their mask' as a reasonable and friendly volley.
Then, insufficient personal resources/creativity/feedback-from-you could then lead to this being repeated over and over; it becomes, for this person, the thing they have to talk about with you. You could call this lazy, or you could say they only have so many spoons and they're using them up trying to do this with everyone on top of various other life commitments.
Please do not attribute to malice that which can possibly-at-all be explained by lack of information, or culture.
posted by amtho at 10:30 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
She’s a bullying mean girl and I also doubt she is just so popular. I don’t care why she is asking, it’s rude. It’s like asking people about their accessibility devices or religious garments. Unfortunately you cannot MAKE anyone do anything. But there are some good responses above. I would lean into just being bored by the questions. Simple, basic answers.
Why are you wearing it? “Because I am”
Wow I didn’t see it was a mask! “Okay”
Where is it? “I have it.” Or even “huh?”
Be so so so bored by this. Like she’s asking why you wear pants. She wants a rise out of you or to manipulate you to do what she wants. Don’t give her one. Internally, giggle. It’s ridiculous.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:35 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Why are you wearing it? “Because I am”
Wow I didn’t see it was a mask! “Okay”
Where is it? “I have it.” Or even “huh?”
Be so so so bored by this. Like she’s asking why you wear pants. She wants a rise out of you or to manipulate you to do what she wants. Don’t give her one. Internally, giggle. It’s ridiculous.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:35 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Since I'm a temp if I get sick I have no safety net. You know how it is" (of course, she doesn't know how it is, but maybe she will start to use her brain a bit)
posted by jello at 10:54 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by jello at 10:54 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some people like to pick at threads. Some people think they have the world sussed and feel it's their job to gently prod everybody around them into conformity. Some people feel threatened when someone around them makes a different choice.
I once worked with a person who *could* *not* *get* *over* how I approached eating my lunch; another simply *could* *not* *abide* the fact that I had a different digital clock app up on my desktop than the default. This. Shall. Not. Pass. according to them. People like that have the problem, not me.
Were I in your shoes:
* "I'm a temp and my job by definition exposes me to a far larger and more random group of people than you and the other fte's here. I'd feel horrible if I was the reason you all got the flu because I brought it in, so I wear the mask."
* "I wear because I care... about you and all my new friends here."
* "OK that's your 1 free mask comment for today.'
* "Why do you care?" (A favorite retort of mine from The Prisoner)
* Finally, almost as you would speak to a dog: 'Drop it. You know, you know you've been told, so drop it."
Don't speak as if you are reacting to a provocation, speak as though you are asserting a prerogative and who do they think they are for asking? In other words, mirror whatever attitude they are showing you.
posted by zaixfeep at 11:14 AM on March 30, 2023
I once worked with a person who *could* *not* *get* *over* how I approached eating my lunch; another simply *could* *not* *abide* the fact that I had a different digital clock app up on my desktop than the default. This. Shall. Not. Pass. according to them. People like that have the problem, not me.
Were I in your shoes:
* "I'm a temp and my job by definition exposes me to a far larger and more random group of people than you and the other fte's here. I'd feel horrible if I was the reason you all got the flu because I brought it in, so I wear the mask."
* "I wear because I care... about you and all my new friends here."
* "OK that's your 1 free mask comment for today.'
* "Why do you care?" (A favorite retort of mine from The Prisoner)
* Finally, almost as you would speak to a dog: 'Drop it. You know, you know you've been told, so drop it."
Don't speak as if you are reacting to a provocation, speak as though you are asserting a prerogative and who do they think they are for asking? In other words, mirror whatever attitude they are showing you.
posted by zaixfeep at 11:14 AM on March 30, 2023
I made a joke about “oh, you have to stay color-coordinated!”
I just want to say, despite being anxious, that was a good response!
I'm not sure there's a guaranteed way to both get her to drop it and not rock the boat. You could try asking your boss to intervene, but even if they agree there's the risk she'll be offended: ideally that'd make her avoid you entirely, but who knows.
So if your priority is to keep your head down, I'd come up with a few more automatic responses and work from the assumption that she's an awkward person making awkward conversation attempts-- if she's trying to police you, then being blatantly oblivious to her mean girl attempts are guaranteed to annoy her and minimize giving her more ammo.
"still wearing the mask"gets a "You know it!"
"Where's the mask?" "Needed some fresh air!" Or "At the cleaners" if you're feeling goofy.
Essentially treat it like someone you barely know asking how your weekend was: it's just words coming out of her mouth that equate to "Hello, I'm attempting to make pleasantries but I'm not really invested." Ideally once you can automatically toss out a response your brain will be less stuck on thinking about her and it'll become background noise.
posted by ghost phoneme at 11:42 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I just want to say, despite being anxious, that was a good response!
I'm not sure there's a guaranteed way to both get her to drop it and not rock the boat. You could try asking your boss to intervene, but even if they agree there's the risk she'll be offended: ideally that'd make her avoid you entirely, but who knows.
So if your priority is to keep your head down, I'd come up with a few more automatic responses and work from the assumption that she's an awkward person making awkward conversation attempts-- if she's trying to police you, then being blatantly oblivious to her mean girl attempts are guaranteed to annoy her and minimize giving her more ammo.
"still wearing the mask"gets a "You know it!"
"Where's the mask?" "Needed some fresh air!" Or "At the cleaners" if you're feeling goofy.
Essentially treat it like someone you barely know asking how your weekend was: it's just words coming out of her mouth that equate to "Hello, I'm attempting to make pleasantries but I'm not really invested." Ideally once you can automatically toss out a response your brain will be less stuck on thinking about her and it'll become background noise.
posted by ghost phoneme at 11:42 AM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
She could be asking because she's a terrible person, or she could be asking because that's the thing about you that she has noticed. It sets you apart from others. In her brain, when she sees you, she thinks, "Oh! There's mask-person!" and then she opens her mouth and something annoying comes out.
I think you can't expect her to pick up on indirect cues at this point because you've tried that. So you need to directly ask her to stop. You can do this gently or forcefully. Since you've indicated you don't want to make waves, I'd go with gently.
HER: Blah blah blah MASK
YOU: Oh, yeah, you know I think we've exhausted that subject. Please don't comment on my mask anymore. [short pause] Anyway, how about those [insert local sports team]?
HER: But MASK
YOU: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to move on. Anyway, have you ever been to [local landmark]? I was thinking of checking it out this weekend.
Any subsequent mention of masking is met either by complete ignoring or, gently, "Uh-huh, I've asked you to move on." Followed by, "Anyway, [subject pivot]." The subject pivot makes it clear that you are not hostile or rude, you just don't want to discuss this particular subject.
TL;DR - I don't think you can expect her to stop unless you say directly to stop. Once you've done that, you can choose your flavor of ignoring or re-directing or even leaving the room if that is possible. But if you haven't said that, she's still got plausible deniability. And HR (at this co. or your temp agency) will ask if you have asked her to stop.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:57 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think you can't expect her to pick up on indirect cues at this point because you've tried that. So you need to directly ask her to stop. You can do this gently or forcefully. Since you've indicated you don't want to make waves, I'd go with gently.
HER: Blah blah blah MASK
YOU: Oh, yeah, you know I think we've exhausted that subject. Please don't comment on my mask anymore. [short pause] Anyway, how about those [insert local sports team]?
HER: But MASK
YOU: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to move on. Anyway, have you ever been to [local landmark]? I was thinking of checking it out this weekend.
Any subsequent mention of masking is met either by complete ignoring or, gently, "Uh-huh, I've asked you to move on." Followed by, "Anyway, [subject pivot]." The subject pivot makes it clear that you are not hostile or rude, you just don't want to discuss this particular subject.
TL;DR - I don't think you can expect her to stop unless you say directly to stop. Once you've done that, you can choose your flavor of ignoring or re-directing or even leaving the room if that is possible. But if you haven't said that, she's still got plausible deniability. And HR (at this co. or your temp agency) will ask if you have asked her to stop.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:57 AM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
"I'll make you a deal. You stop asking about why the mask and I will not ask why not a mask."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:52 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:52 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would try for "obnoxiously perky". Like, react as though your daily mask exchange is both your and her favourite thing in the world and you've been secretly looking forward to it all day. Visibly brighten whenever it comes up.
Be relentlessly, utterly positive. Deliberately misunderstand her in the most inane way.
- You're wearing a mask.
- Thank you! It's my favourite one.
- Where's you're mask today
- Patience, patience! Coming up soon!
- Wow, it's your mask not your collar
- Sure is! That's hilarious!
Go wild with it. Mess with her. Every happy retort is but a giant f u in disguise. Enjoy yourself!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:29 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Be relentlessly, utterly positive. Deliberately misunderstand her in the most inane way.
- You're wearing a mask.
- Thank you! It's my favourite one.
- Where's you're mask today
- Patience, patience! Coming up soon!
- Wow, it's your mask not your collar
- Sure is! That's hilarious!
Go wild with it. Mess with her. Every happy retort is but a giant f u in disguise. Enjoy yourself!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:29 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
why don't you just... answer her? truthfully, politely and concisely?
"I really hate getting sick, so I do what I can to avoid it."
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:02 PM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
"I really hate getting sick, so I do what I can to avoid it."
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:02 PM on March 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
I described this thread to my partner, and she reminded me that even if someone is well-meaning, if you're mostly getting not-well-meaning people asking you about your mask, then it can be hard.
My personal solution to address this would be to just ask:
"Are you asking me about my mask to make me feel uncomfortable or because you genuinely want to know the answer? I'm happy to tell you more about reasons for mask-wearing in 2023 if you're genuinely curious."
posted by aniola at 5:00 PM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
My personal solution to address this would be to just ask:
"Are you asking me about my mask to make me feel uncomfortable or because you genuinely want to know the answer? I'm happy to tell you more about reasons for mask-wearing in 2023 if you're genuinely curious."
posted by aniola at 5:00 PM on March 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
You could also try, “What an interesting question. Why do you ask?”
Defensive Debbie: “What? Oh just curious!”
You: (let pauses be your friend, speak slowly and kindly) “… ah. Well… you may not…. realize? that you’ve actually asked or commented on my mask almost every…. Single… day… since I started, so…. I was wondering…. why…. you ask so often.”
Works best if others are around.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Defensive Debbie: “What? Oh just curious!”
You: (let pauses be your friend, speak slowly and kindly) “… ah. Well… you may not…. realize? that you’ve actually asked or commented on my mask almost every…. Single… day… since I started, so…. I was wondering…. why…. you ask so often.”
Works best if others are around.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:31 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
To my ear it sounds like a passive-aggressive person trying to pick a fight / start an argument. I would definitely avoid engaging with them by using one of the more neutral responses suggested above.
posted by fairmettle at 5:41 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by fairmettle at 5:41 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I like the escalating-eccentricities-as-a-joke tactic, myself. (Also suggested above, but as a one-off.) Some examples, off the top of my head:
* "Oh, I moonlight as the Phantom of the Opera."
* "I'm like Cyclops in the X-Men, only it's not my eyes that shoot lasers, it's my teeth."
* "You know, it just got stuck on my face and I can't seem to remove it?"
* "Fashion statement."
So yeah, enjoy yourself coming up with the most ludicrous responses you can think of (or ask your friends, I'm sure they'll have ideas).
posted by humbug at 6:21 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
* "Oh, I moonlight as the Phantom of the Opera."
* "I'm like Cyclops in the X-Men, only it's not my eyes that shoot lasers, it's my teeth."
* "You know, it just got stuck on my face and I can't seem to remove it?"
* "Fashion statement."
So yeah, enjoy yourself coming up with the most ludicrous responses you can think of (or ask your friends, I'm sure they'll have ideas).
posted by humbug at 6:21 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
being strangely avoidant will only keep her going with questions. there's no need to disclose anything personal, you can just tell her that when masks are worn indoors, infectious diseases are somewhat less likely to spread from person to person. everyone else seems to have been keeping this a closely guarded secret from her, which isn't really very nice of them.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:28 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:28 PM on March 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
It's conceivable it's non-hostile, but it sure sounds more likely low grade bullying to me. And there's at least a chance they want you to engage so they can share some factoid about how masks don't help or something, which doesn't sound like a conversation you're eager to have.
I'm sort of playing on easy mode, as I'm a bit stand-offish and male, so I don't invite prying normally normally. But FWIW my personal plan if I'm asked about my mask wearing is "I have some extra risk factors," which is should be enough, but, if someone is rude enough to inquire what those are say "I'd prefer not to talk about medical details, sorry."
posted by mark k at 7:00 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm sort of playing on easy mode, as I'm a bit stand-offish and male, so I don't invite prying normally normally. But FWIW my personal plan if I'm asked about my mask wearing is "I have some extra risk factors," which is should be enough, but, if someone is rude enough to inquire what those are say "I'd prefer not to talk about medical details, sorry."
posted by mark k at 7:00 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
"I have to wear it."
Any further inquiries should be cut off with a polite, yet firm, "I can't really discuss why."
posted by yellowcandy at 7:37 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Any further inquiries should be cut off with a polite, yet firm, "I can't really discuss why."
posted by yellowcandy at 7:37 PM on March 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Some commenters have mentioned that maybe she is (awkwardly) trying to connect socially and doesn't actually care about the mask itself as like content. The magic trick here is to make a vaguely positive-feeling response which does not need to make any logical sense. "So why are you still wearing a mask" -> "Mm hm, sure am!" which makes no actual sense but closes a certain social loop.
If she pushes past the social signaling, then you know with confidence that she cares about the mask which is none of her damn business and you can get rock or whatever serves you.
posted by away for regrooving at 11:16 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
If she pushes past the social signaling, then you know with confidence that she cares about the mask which is none of her damn business and you can get rock or whatever serves you.
posted by away for regrooving at 11:16 PM on March 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Fascinated woman: Why are you still wearing a mask?
You: Do you know how many people died yesterday from covid? Imagine one of those people was your parent. How many people close to you have died of covid? What are the chances of a new, virulent strain? 3 plane crashes… 3 plane crashes of people, over 900 people died yesterday of covid. Here, let me show you how to track daily covid deaths. It’s really easy: do you prefer Johns Hopkins, NY Times, or other? It only takes a few taps on your phone. Get your phone out.
posted by at at 6:31 AM on March 31, 2023
You: Do you know how many people died yesterday from covid? Imagine one of those people was your parent. How many people close to you have died of covid? What are the chances of a new, virulent strain? 3 plane crashes… 3 plane crashes of people, over 900 people died yesterday of covid. Here, let me show you how to track daily covid deaths. It’s really easy: do you prefer Johns Hopkins, NY Times, or other? It only takes a few taps on your phone. Get your phone out.
posted by at at 6:31 AM on March 31, 2023
Suggested response:
Her: I see you're still wearing a mask.
You: Yes. why do you care?
Especially if there is an audience of other people because then it is up to her to justify why she is up in your face about something that really should be none of her concern.
When people with an agenda are 'just asking questions' the 'why do you care?' is great because it's non confrontational and forces them to justify what's *relly behind* their questioning.
Good luck.
posted by Faintdreams at 6:53 AM on March 31, 2023
Her: I see you're still wearing a mask.
You: Yes. why do you care?
Especially if there is an audience of other people because then it is up to her to justify why she is up in your face about something that really should be none of her concern.
When people with an agenda are 'just asking questions' the 'why do you care?' is great because it's non confrontational and forces them to justify what's *relly behind* their questioning.
Good luck.
posted by Faintdreams at 6:53 AM on March 31, 2023
“I wear this mask because I don’t want you to see the face I make when you ask me about my mask every single day.”
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:07 AM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:07 AM on April 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
“It makes for a good jerk filter.” - if you want to be mouthy about it.
There’s someone who is an internet troll who comments about mine and I’m like “Ah,… so anyway, about [some more interesting subject].”
posted by SillyShepherd at 1:59 AM on April 5, 2023
There’s someone who is an internet troll who comments about mine and I’m like “Ah,… so anyway, about [some more interesting subject].”
posted by SillyShepherd at 1:59 AM on April 5, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
Rinse and repeat.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
If you can internalize this, it might bother you less. You do you, and shrug her off.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:22 AM on March 30, 2023 [62 favorites]