Should I seriously consider moving back home?
April 30, 2020 8:02 PM Subscribe
Given that there's a serious pandemic going on here, I'm seriously considering moving back home. However, there's a set of complicated factors (job, parcopresis, living situation, deaf, parents), so I'd like help walking through them.
First off, thanks for the very helpful answers on my previous Ask; it definitely helped, big time!
I live in DC. A few of the major draws that kept me living in DC for the past ~15 years included the strong and vibrant Deaf community (as a Deaf person) and job opportunities (worked at an University for 5 years, too bad my position was closed last year due to restructuring). With COVID-19, those two key features, and why I was willing to live so far from my (all-hearing, but inclusive) family, has gone kaput basically.
After I was laid off from my old job, I was very fortunate to get re-hired at a previous major technology retailer as a part-time retail store sales/support person. All has been well on that front so far. I tried applying for different jobs at my former University, but so far, with no luck, but I was okay with what I had, was ready to move to a more reasonably-priced apartment in a cheaper area of DC/MD/VA, saving ~$200-400 a month, and was applying to other jobs, not really fretting thanks to the part-time job I had, and being able to pick up more hours if needed, even as a part-timer.
All this is pre-COVID.
With COVID-19, I'm (again) very, very fortunate that I'm still being paid, and working from home (basically just doing training and team check-ins). However, my hours are not what they were pre-COVID, and my lease is up mid-May. I have been thinking this over deeply and carefully, and I'm seriously considering moving back home with my parents. I did an Ask about this 2 years ago, but decided against it, and did just fine at my new apartment for the past ~2 years, but COVID messed things up. The first nail in the "coffin" was being laid off from my job, which I got through relatively okay, because of the job I have now; the second nail was COVID-19.
So, as I have NO idea how long this whole shutdown will last (it's currently until May 15, given the Mayor's orders, but with news, etc., saying this might last until 2021/2022, who knows?), and the purpose of me being in DC (meeting new people, socialization) being kind of kaput for who knows how long, I'm thinking about going home, at least for the time being.
Here's the roadblocks/questions:
a) My job. We were offered an opportunity to temporarily help online support advisors from home. If I'm able to ask for a transfer/permanent position with the online support system vs. in-store, that'd mean I'd remain employed no matter where I went. This temporary opportunity has not been presented yet (we were asked if we were interested, but no action so far). Is there a good way to frame this with my boss, explain I need to go home with my family, and would like a permanent transfer, especially given COVID and the uncertainty of the future? AFAIK, retail and online systems are separate entities within the corporate system, but given that we at retail were given the opportunity to support the online support system in a satellite manner, I suspect it may not be a hindrance. I could be wrong, though.
(Note: I'm also willing to transfer to a nearby store in CA, but it's about an hour away from my parents' home, and I don't have a car/no public transportation options.)
b) My parents. While I love my parents, they're a bit "old-school" in some ways. My freshman year of college, they offered to sell me their car (not give it to me for free as many parents would offer their kids). I was also asked to pay rent when I stayed at home during the summers, and was also required to hold a job. One summer, long story short, I was kicked out from home because I didn't have a job, although I realize that was somewhat my fault as well—I was young and immature. My concern is that my parents would be resistant towards me coming back home (even if I still had a remote job), and may not be willing to help...
However, given this is a major pandemic/national health emergency, given I was laid off from my old job and now hold a lower-paying job, and DC rent is high/expensive, AND the fact that all this above happened ~12 and more years ago, would you think it might be worth giving it a chance and seeing if my parents are more flexible now and willing to work with me?
Also, if they are okay with me moving back, and we agree on a reasonable rent/timeline, would it be worthy asking that they add my name to their vehicle insurance so I can drive around and maintain a sense of independence? (Of course, I'd offer to help pay for the insurance, and gas.)
c) My living situation in DC. I'm blessed to have a corporate-owned apartment management that is understanding so far, and showed me flexibility by extending my agreement to be month-by-month at the same rate after my lease expires in mid-May, given this extraordinary situation. However, almost $2k per month (plus utilities), especially at a lower-paying job rate, isn't sufficient nor workable in the long term. (Keep in mind, I originally planned to end my lease and move somewhere cheaper.) This ties in two issues: my anxiety about joining a roommate situation (see previous Asks), and my parcopresis (needing my own toilet); both issues kind of works against each other. I've been blissfully alone the past ~2 years now.
I am amenable towards subleasing for a few months through the summer, in the same apartment complex/nearby ones, as long as I have my own bathroom and like the roommate vibes; have tried a few leads from Craigslist/Facebook with no luck so far.
d) Living in DC: loneliness and why? This finally ties in to the core reason why I'm in DC: socialization, Deaf community, and job opportunities. Right now, everything is "frozen", and it's very possible Gallaudet won't even reopen for in-person classes this fall or even for the next school year. I live alone currently, and I'm lonely as hell. I'd really love to be with my family right now, especially as there's "no point" being in DC (ie, no socialization in person; everything is done socially on Zoom now), and there's no visible end to this.
I know this was long-winded, but it's a heavy question, concerning my future, and some pretty time-sensitive decisions I need to make. It's very possible this move back would be temporary, anyway. I don't know if I want to sign a lease for another year in DC, and month-to-month leases are hard to come by, and I really would like to be with my family. My entire family lives in literally the same town; I'm the lone wolf living 3,000 miles away. Even some hearing people on Reddit were talking about moving away because they felt the high cost of living in DC was pointless (originally OK with higher costs because of all the walkable amenities and social opportunities, etc., but now everything is closed/frozen because of COVID).
Thanks, your thoughts and recommendations would be super helpful!
First off, thanks for the very helpful answers on my previous Ask; it definitely helped, big time!
I live in DC. A few of the major draws that kept me living in DC for the past ~15 years included the strong and vibrant Deaf community (as a Deaf person) and job opportunities (worked at an University for 5 years, too bad my position was closed last year due to restructuring). With COVID-19, those two key features, and why I was willing to live so far from my (all-hearing, but inclusive) family, has gone kaput basically.
After I was laid off from my old job, I was very fortunate to get re-hired at a previous major technology retailer as a part-time retail store sales/support person. All has been well on that front so far. I tried applying for different jobs at my former University, but so far, with no luck, but I was okay with what I had, was ready to move to a more reasonably-priced apartment in a cheaper area of DC/MD/VA, saving ~$200-400 a month, and was applying to other jobs, not really fretting thanks to the part-time job I had, and being able to pick up more hours if needed, even as a part-timer.
All this is pre-COVID.
With COVID-19, I'm (again) very, very fortunate that I'm still being paid, and working from home (basically just doing training and team check-ins). However, my hours are not what they were pre-COVID, and my lease is up mid-May. I have been thinking this over deeply and carefully, and I'm seriously considering moving back home with my parents. I did an Ask about this 2 years ago, but decided against it, and did just fine at my new apartment for the past ~2 years, but COVID messed things up. The first nail in the "coffin" was being laid off from my job, which I got through relatively okay, because of the job I have now; the second nail was COVID-19.
So, as I have NO idea how long this whole shutdown will last (it's currently until May 15, given the Mayor's orders, but with news, etc., saying this might last until 2021/2022, who knows?), and the purpose of me being in DC (meeting new people, socialization) being kind of kaput for who knows how long, I'm thinking about going home, at least for the time being.
Here's the roadblocks/questions:
a) My job. We were offered an opportunity to temporarily help online support advisors from home. If I'm able to ask for a transfer/permanent position with the online support system vs. in-store, that'd mean I'd remain employed no matter where I went. This temporary opportunity has not been presented yet (we were asked if we were interested, but no action so far). Is there a good way to frame this with my boss, explain I need to go home with my family, and would like a permanent transfer, especially given COVID and the uncertainty of the future? AFAIK, retail and online systems are separate entities within the corporate system, but given that we at retail were given the opportunity to support the online support system in a satellite manner, I suspect it may not be a hindrance. I could be wrong, though.
(Note: I'm also willing to transfer to a nearby store in CA, but it's about an hour away from my parents' home, and I don't have a car/no public transportation options.)
b) My parents. While I love my parents, they're a bit "old-school" in some ways. My freshman year of college, they offered to sell me their car (not give it to me for free as many parents would offer their kids). I was also asked to pay rent when I stayed at home during the summers, and was also required to hold a job. One summer, long story short, I was kicked out from home because I didn't have a job, although I realize that was somewhat my fault as well—I was young and immature. My concern is that my parents would be resistant towards me coming back home (even if I still had a remote job), and may not be willing to help...
However, given this is a major pandemic/national health emergency, given I was laid off from my old job and now hold a lower-paying job, and DC rent is high/expensive, AND the fact that all this above happened ~12 and more years ago, would you think it might be worth giving it a chance and seeing if my parents are more flexible now and willing to work with me?
Also, if they are okay with me moving back, and we agree on a reasonable rent/timeline, would it be worthy asking that they add my name to their vehicle insurance so I can drive around and maintain a sense of independence? (Of course, I'd offer to help pay for the insurance, and gas.)
c) My living situation in DC. I'm blessed to have a corporate-owned apartment management that is understanding so far, and showed me flexibility by extending my agreement to be month-by-month at the same rate after my lease expires in mid-May, given this extraordinary situation. However, almost $2k per month (plus utilities), especially at a lower-paying job rate, isn't sufficient nor workable in the long term. (Keep in mind, I originally planned to end my lease and move somewhere cheaper.) This ties in two issues: my anxiety about joining a roommate situation (see previous Asks), and my parcopresis (needing my own toilet); both issues kind of works against each other. I've been blissfully alone the past ~2 years now.
I am amenable towards subleasing for a few months through the summer, in the same apartment complex/nearby ones, as long as I have my own bathroom and like the roommate vibes; have tried a few leads from Craigslist/Facebook with no luck so far.
d) Living in DC: loneliness and why? This finally ties in to the core reason why I'm in DC: socialization, Deaf community, and job opportunities. Right now, everything is "frozen", and it's very possible Gallaudet won't even reopen for in-person classes this fall or even for the next school year. I live alone currently, and I'm lonely as hell. I'd really love to be with my family right now, especially as there's "no point" being in DC (ie, no socialization in person; everything is done socially on Zoom now), and there's no visible end to this.
I know this was long-winded, but it's a heavy question, concerning my future, and some pretty time-sensitive decisions I need to make. It's very possible this move back would be temporary, anyway. I don't know if I want to sign a lease for another year in DC, and month-to-month leases are hard to come by, and I really would like to be with my family. My entire family lives in literally the same town; I'm the lone wolf living 3,000 miles away. Even some hearing people on Reddit were talking about moving away because they felt the high cost of living in DC was pointless (originally OK with higher costs because of all the walkable amenities and social opportunities, etc., but now everything is closed/frozen because of COVID).
Thanks, your thoughts and recommendations would be super helpful!
Our son is deaf so I appreciate how much that can increase loneliness.
I think you can't really process the idea of moving home without contacting your parents as a first step. Unless you know how they feel about having you home it isn't possible to weigh that plan against other options.
If you were our son I'd be happy to help, but it sounds like your parents' ideas may be different, and of course they may be anxious lest you could bring corona virus to their home.
Good luck! Check in with your family (would anyone else in your family welcome you to stay) then you're in a better position to think about this.
On preview .. just what Brockles says
posted by anadem at 8:34 PM on April 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
I think you can't really process the idea of moving home without contacting your parents as a first step. Unless you know how they feel about having you home it isn't possible to weigh that plan against other options.
If you were our son I'd be happy to help, but it sounds like your parents' ideas may be different, and of course they may be anxious lest you could bring corona virus to their home.
Good luck! Check in with your family (would anyone else in your family welcome you to stay) then you're in a better position to think about this.
On preview .. just what Brockles says
posted by anadem at 8:34 PM on April 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you need more information before you can really make a decision. You don't say where in CA your parents live, but is there a chance there might be a deaf community in a city nearby you could visit for social functions? Have you actively investigated other job opportunities in the area you'd be moving to? How comfortable are you with driving, if you've been in DC for the last 15 years without a car? From what you're saying it doesn't sound like you have a horrible relationship with your parents, so you should definitely broach the subject with them and include their opinions in your decision as you would need to rely upon them at least partially. There's absolutely no harm in asking.
posted by JZig at 8:38 PM on April 30, 2020
posted by JZig at 8:38 PM on April 30, 2020
You’ve written before about how challenging your relationship with your Dad is. I think it’s also telling that you’ve gone so far down the road of considering a cross-country move without discussing it with your parents, who you’d be living with for a period that’s not insignificant. This period is uncertain and lonely for a lot of people, but you may also have some overly rosy ideas of how good it’ll be to move home to a place where you’re more isolated and where you have fewer opportunities.
I’d be pretty concerned about getting stuck where your parents live. They don’t seem super inclined to help and be generous beyond the basics if you look at past behavior. If you want to return to DC, it’ll be much harder and quite expensive. Are you willing to permanently give up living in DC, even as things eventually return to normal? It sounds like you have a friend group and connections there.
I think your first step is to broach this with both of your parents and see how they react to the suggestion. I’d hesitate if their response wasn’t very enthusiastic and thankful that you’re considering coming back.
posted by quince at 9:13 PM on April 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
I’d be pretty concerned about getting stuck where your parents live. They don’t seem super inclined to help and be generous beyond the basics if you look at past behavior. If you want to return to DC, it’ll be much harder and quite expensive. Are you willing to permanently give up living in DC, even as things eventually return to normal? It sounds like you have a friend group and connections there.
I think your first step is to broach this with both of your parents and see how they react to the suggestion. I’d hesitate if their response wasn’t very enthusiastic and thankful that you’re considering coming back.
posted by quince at 9:13 PM on April 30, 2020 [7 favorites]
I am wondering if you have explored whether you are eligible for Unemployment Insurance benefits under the expanded programs (National Employment Law Project), e.g. for people who have reduced hours (DC DES Coronavirus FAQ for Employees) due to the pandemic, because of how much your question describes your employment situation and the potential impact of financial issues on your housing, and whether this (and the possible availability of retroactive benefits) is something to also consider when making your decision.
The DC Lawhelp.org website lists free legal services providers for Unemployment Compensation issues that you can try to contact for more information and advice, including the Claimant Advocacy Program, the Washington Lawyers' Committee Workers' Rights Clinic, and Legal Aid DC, which are all noted as offering access for the hearing impaired.
posted by katra at 9:54 PM on April 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
The DC Lawhelp.org website lists free legal services providers for Unemployment Compensation issues that you can try to contact for more information and advice, including the Claimant Advocacy Program, the Washington Lawyers' Committee Workers' Rights Clinic, and Legal Aid DC, which are all noted as offering access for the hearing impaired.
posted by katra at 9:54 PM on April 30, 2020 [1 favorite]
Living with your parents would give you access to them, but as long as quarantine continues your other relatives might as well be 3000 miles away.
Given your history with your parents and frankly just in general for anyone I would default to getting my own place somewhere near my family. Presumably the rents are a lot cheaper there, and with luck you could find some place within range of both your family and a deaf community.
With regards to DC (or any large, expensive city) I think you're right to get out for a while. Even if quarantine is lifted and businesses magically recover overnight there is very likely a second wave of this pandemic coming. I have no idea what that will do, but "encourage financial stability" is low on the list.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:56 PM on April 30, 2020
Given your history with your parents and frankly just in general for anyone I would default to getting my own place somewhere near my family. Presumably the rents are a lot cheaper there, and with luck you could find some place within range of both your family and a deaf community.
With regards to DC (or any large, expensive city) I think you're right to get out for a while. Even if quarantine is lifted and businesses magically recover overnight there is very likely a second wave of this pandemic coming. I have no idea what that will do, but "encourage financial stability" is low on the list.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:56 PM on April 30, 2020
As a quick follow up after reviewing some of your previous Asks, because it sounded like you may be eligible for SSDI, I want to encourage you even more to seek legal advice and assistance (SOAR) for public benefits eligibility, because you may be eligible to recieve both UI and SSDI (SOAR Implementation During COVID-19 presentation, Apr. 16, 2020, slide 11).
posted by katra at 11:55 PM on April 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by katra at 11:55 PM on April 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
Have you lived with your parents as an adult, and how was that?
I lived at home until 18, then moved in with my Grandma to be closer to uni (in another country!) My parents moved there when I was 20, and wow was that an adjustment to live back with my folks. We had to figure out how to have adult/adult relationships rather than adult/child. Now that I'm 30+ there is no way I can tolerate being with them for an indefinite period. I love them, but I don't want to live with them.
Some people make it work and work well, but it's something to consider.
posted by freethefeet at 1:11 AM on May 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I lived at home until 18, then moved in with my Grandma to be closer to uni (in another country!) My parents moved there when I was 20, and wow was that an adjustment to live back with my folks. We had to figure out how to have adult/adult relationships rather than adult/child. Now that I'm 30+ there is no way I can tolerate being with them for an indefinite period. I love them, but I don't want to live with them.
Some people make it work and work well, but it's something to consider.
posted by freethefeet at 1:11 AM on May 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Yeah, ask your parents if it is an option before spending too much time considering it. I did not read all your previous questions, but based on what you wrote in this question, there seems to be some differences of opinion with your parents on matters that are quite important, mainly money.
So, after I read your question, the question I have back is why are you considering it. I get that you moved to DC to be near a larger deaf community, I get that you are making less money than before and need to trim expenses, but why is moving cross country the answer?
I would explore moving to other cities that are much less expensive. I would tell my parents I was considering moving to another city because of finances and because of the virus I had lost my local support network. I would tell them or hint strongly to them that you are struggling a little bit now; nothing you can't overcome, but this pandemic has hit you hard.
If I was going to move back in with my parents, I would want it to be at their suggestion, not me asking. My gut says if they ask you rather than you ask them, it will improve the relationship from your point of view. What if you ask and they hem and haw and make it clear without saying it that they are not thrilled with the idea? That could be a big blow. If they ask you, you know they did not say yes because they felt they had to, they asked because they genuinely want to help.
I would also, if I were to actually move back in, set very specific terms before. I plan on being out within 18 months, I will contribute money and effort (chores/responsibilities) and in exchange I want to use the car once in a while. Even things like, I know you like to watch tv in the living room every night after dinner, so know that I will not interrupt that. I will watch on my laptop. Things like that. And then, live up to your end of the bargain.
Conceptually, moving back in with family for the reasons like saving money and needing a support network during this isolating time seems rather reasonable to me. Your parents may be old school, whatever that means, but I am quite sure they love you and would support you in any way they can. Maybe that is not financially, but giving you a roof over your head and ask you to pay something so you can pull your weight on the groceries or added electric bill while proving moral support seems ok to this outsider with three kids of my own in their 20s that I could see asking to move in with me short term at some point.
posted by AugustWest at 1:15 AM on May 1, 2020
So, after I read your question, the question I have back is why are you considering it. I get that you moved to DC to be near a larger deaf community, I get that you are making less money than before and need to trim expenses, but why is moving cross country the answer?
I would explore moving to other cities that are much less expensive. I would tell my parents I was considering moving to another city because of finances and because of the virus I had lost my local support network. I would tell them or hint strongly to them that you are struggling a little bit now; nothing you can't overcome, but this pandemic has hit you hard.
If I was going to move back in with my parents, I would want it to be at their suggestion, not me asking. My gut says if they ask you rather than you ask them, it will improve the relationship from your point of view. What if you ask and they hem and haw and make it clear without saying it that they are not thrilled with the idea? That could be a big blow. If they ask you, you know they did not say yes because they felt they had to, they asked because they genuinely want to help.
I would also, if I were to actually move back in, set very specific terms before. I plan on being out within 18 months, I will contribute money and effort (chores/responsibilities) and in exchange I want to use the car once in a while. Even things like, I know you like to watch tv in the living room every night after dinner, so know that I will not interrupt that. I will watch on my laptop. Things like that. And then, live up to your end of the bargain.
Conceptually, moving back in with family for the reasons like saving money and needing a support network during this isolating time seems rather reasonable to me. Your parents may be old school, whatever that means, but I am quite sure they love you and would support you in any way they can. Maybe that is not financially, but giving you a roof over your head and ask you to pay something so you can pull your weight on the groceries or added electric bill while proving moral support seems ok to this outsider with three kids of my own in their 20s that I could see asking to move in with me short term at some point.
posted by AugustWest at 1:15 AM on May 1, 2020
The big unknown is how long will the shutdown last.
I don't actually think it will last as long as you're worried it will. In fact it seems likely to me that if you make plans to move, right around the time you move the shutdown will end. Or at least be scaled way back.
I'd focus on ways to make the next few weeks more bearable. We're at a really tough point psychologically right now. It sucks, it really does. But I think the idea of moving in with parents that you have a tough relationship with is kind of like the idea of cutting your own bangs. It is not a decision to be made when you are not feeling your best.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:40 AM on May 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don't actually think it will last as long as you're worried it will. In fact it seems likely to me that if you make plans to move, right around the time you move the shutdown will end. Or at least be scaled way back.
I'd focus on ways to make the next few weeks more bearable. We're at a really tough point psychologically right now. It sucks, it really does. But I think the idea of moving in with parents that you have a tough relationship with is kind of like the idea of cutting your own bangs. It is not a decision to be made when you are not feeling your best.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:40 AM on May 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
It seems as if your relationship with your parents is not really easy. So I‘d be extremely reluctant to move back unless there was a very clear, short term exit strategy. You‘d be with them for a few months, have a clear end date and the sole purpose would be to allow you to reestablish yourself, find accommodation etc in the area. But even that will require you to actually talk to them, find out how they feel about the idea and honestly talk about everybody’s concerns and boundaries. And yes, adult children should pay rent, contribute to any other incremental expenses and chores etc. That’s the base line.
But I also feel that although every day feels endless we are actually about two months into this and everybody is figuring out the new normal. Businesses are thinking about permanent changes to operations in the medium medium and long-term, service providers are figuring out how to offer their services safely or remotely and we all have had a chance to start new habits that accommodate restrictions.
I do not believe we will ever go back to normal as we defined it in Jan/Feb this year. We will have to maintain some level of distancing etc for many months to come and after that there will have been so much mental and structural change that the new normal will be very different from the old. But everybody is moving out of the initial shock and emergency responses already and you will see lots of more sustainable changes and your local situation will also continue to change. If you can hang in there for a bit longer, your options will likely increase again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:17 AM on May 1, 2020
But I also feel that although every day feels endless we are actually about two months into this and everybody is figuring out the new normal. Businesses are thinking about permanent changes to operations in the medium medium and long-term, service providers are figuring out how to offer their services safely or remotely and we all have had a chance to start new habits that accommodate restrictions.
I do not believe we will ever go back to normal as we defined it in Jan/Feb this year. We will have to maintain some level of distancing etc for many months to come and after that there will have been so much mental and structural change that the new normal will be very different from the old. But everybody is moving out of the initial shock and emergency responses already and you will see lots of more sustainable changes and your local situation will also continue to change. If you can hang in there for a bit longer, your options will likely increase again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:17 AM on May 1, 2020
Caveat: I have no experience with deafness or the Deaf community, so my advice does not take that particular component into account.
But, as someone who has somewhat-accidentally ended up sheltering in place with a parent for this whole fucking mess, I would advise that you do not do this. It's totally understandable that you are looking for a peaceful refuge with loving company in this time but nothing you list sounds like the recipe for a happy or peaceful refuge.
I am sure it seems like there's no point being in your city when there's nothing to do but as someone who is now trapped a couple hours away from my city, it is very hard. My friends back in the city can stroll past each others' apartments and wave, or drink a beer with their neighbors across the courtyard, or drop off care packages, etc. I don't have any of that. I can't help support my favorite local places through takeout or delivery and it's heartbreaking.
Now, maybe you don't really have any kind of attachment to anything or anyone specific in DC. Maybe there isn't anyone you could text to stroll by your window or leave a cake on their porch or whatever. Maybe you don't have a favorite restaurant or bar that is doing curbside. If there's nothing you're going to actively miss, then maybe I'm wrong, and you won't feel dislocated when you relocate. But I'm just saying it's a possibility.
If nothing else, I think you're jumping the gun asking for help on a decision when you haven't done any legwork yet -- haven't floated the idea with your folks, haven't asked about a transfer from your boss...if both of those parties say No, then this question is moot, right?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:30 AM on May 1, 2020
But, as someone who has somewhat-accidentally ended up sheltering in place with a parent for this whole fucking mess, I would advise that you do not do this. It's totally understandable that you are looking for a peaceful refuge with loving company in this time but nothing you list sounds like the recipe for a happy or peaceful refuge.
I am sure it seems like there's no point being in your city when there's nothing to do but as someone who is now trapped a couple hours away from my city, it is very hard. My friends back in the city can stroll past each others' apartments and wave, or drink a beer with their neighbors across the courtyard, or drop off care packages, etc. I don't have any of that. I can't help support my favorite local places through takeout or delivery and it's heartbreaking.
Now, maybe you don't really have any kind of attachment to anything or anyone specific in DC. Maybe there isn't anyone you could text to stroll by your window or leave a cake on their porch or whatever. Maybe you don't have a favorite restaurant or bar that is doing curbside. If there's nothing you're going to actively miss, then maybe I'm wrong, and you won't feel dislocated when you relocate. But I'm just saying it's a possibility.
If nothing else, I think you're jumping the gun asking for help on a decision when you haven't done any legwork yet -- haven't floated the idea with your folks, haven't asked about a transfer from your boss...if both of those parties say No, then this question is moot, right?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:30 AM on May 1, 2020
Response by poster: Following up — thanks so much for your replies thus far!
I think the real issue here is that I'm afraid of rejection. My parents know I've been through a hard time, with last year's layoff and now this COVID mess. They know the cost of living here in DC is awfully high. They do know to an extent how lonely I am currently. I'm afraid that if I bring the idea up to them, they'll seem less than thrilled or even against the idea. I don't know, I'm basing this on behaviors ~12 years ago. People change, people grow, it's possible they'll embrace the idea. I just wanted input on if I'm making a good/sound decision or not, especially given this time. I have faced a lot of rejection recently, namely being laid off and then applying/not being hired for other positions at the University I formerly worked at (had about three job interviews since being laid off, none of them worked out). I don't want to face another rejection by my parents.
I did live with my parents as an "adult", during college in the summertime; a very different time.
I'm now following up with another question — if my parents are okay with me coming back, we agree on rent, then how would you recommend I ask my employer about the transfer? Should I frame it as a mental health thing, with COVID as the catalyst, or...?
posted by dubious_dude at 8:47 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I think the real issue here is that I'm afraid of rejection. My parents know I've been through a hard time, with last year's layoff and now this COVID mess. They know the cost of living here in DC is awfully high. They do know to an extent how lonely I am currently. I'm afraid that if I bring the idea up to them, they'll seem less than thrilled or even against the idea. I don't know, I'm basing this on behaviors ~12 years ago. People change, people grow, it's possible they'll embrace the idea. I just wanted input on if I'm making a good/sound decision or not, especially given this time. I have faced a lot of rejection recently, namely being laid off and then applying/not being hired for other positions at the University I formerly worked at (had about three job interviews since being laid off, none of them worked out). I don't want to face another rejection by my parents.
I did live with my parents as an "adult", during college in the summertime; a very different time.
I'm now following up with another question — if my parents are okay with me coming back, we agree on rent, then how would you recommend I ask my employer about the transfer? Should I frame it as a mental health thing, with COVID as the catalyst, or...?
posted by dubious_dude at 8:47 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
how would you recommend I ask my employer about the transfer? Should I frame it as a mental health thing, with COVID as the catalyst, or...?
I can't give you a direct answer, because I read it as a legal question, due to the potential impact that it might have on some of your eligibility for public benefits. All I can really say is that before you ask for accommodations for your job, I encourage you to seek free legal advice (MeFi Wiki) about how to frame the request, including because of how it may support your eligibility for various benefits to supplement your income.
I have also held off from preemptively stating things about SSDI that I assume you know about the program, even though I saw what appeared to be an unfortunate misunderstanding in an answer in one of your previous Asks. My point is ultimately related to encouraging you to determine what your financial situation actually is, how it may be impacted if you move, and relatedly, how your financial situation could impact whether you have an exit plan from your parent's home (if necessary) or an opportunity to find alternative housing nearby them at the outset.
posted by katra at 10:00 AM on May 1, 2020
I can't give you a direct answer, because I read it as a legal question, due to the potential impact that it might have on some of your eligibility for public benefits. All I can really say is that before you ask for accommodations for your job, I encourage you to seek free legal advice (MeFi Wiki) about how to frame the request, including because of how it may support your eligibility for various benefits to supplement your income.
I have also held off from preemptively stating things about SSDI that I assume you know about the program, even though I saw what appeared to be an unfortunate misunderstanding in an answer in one of your previous Asks. My point is ultimately related to encouraging you to determine what your financial situation actually is, how it may be impacted if you move, and relatedly, how your financial situation could impact whether you have an exit plan from your parent's home (if necessary) or an opportunity to find alternative housing nearby them at the outset.
posted by katra at 10:00 AM on May 1, 2020
Response by poster: Apologies in advance for threadsitting, but @katra, I'm not sure I understand how my question about talking with my boss about an in-job transfer is a legal question. I am seeing utilizing SSDI/UI as a "last resort" option; I want to make the most out of my current situation and keep my job, which might include optimizing my retail position into being an online chat support position. I am asking for advice on how to discuss this with my boss, so I'm not clear how it's a legal question.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:13 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by dubious_dude at 10:13 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
Questions like this are challenging for me, because I don't know enough about your specific situation or the laws and regulations that may apply in your jurisdiction, and even if I did, I couldn't give you concrete answers about how those laws apply to your facts, because I would consider that giving you legal advice, which is something I can't do.
I feel like I know just enough to see possible issues where I want to encourage you to proactively figure out what your options may be, so you don't inadvertantly foreclose an opportunity that might otherwise exist. I see you trying to figure out how and whether to make major life decisions, in extremely unusual times, where you may have more financial support than you realize, that might allow you to work and draw benefits at the same time. Specifically, you are asking for advice about how to discuss this with your boss, and whether to link it to the pandemic (possibly supporting UI eligibility?) or maybe to mental health (possibly supporting SSDI?), and I can't emphasize those question marks enough, because this is not the right forum and I am not qualified to make those determinations for you. However, it does seem like a question that can be answered by a lawyer in your jurisdiction, because eligibility for UI and SSDI are legal questions.
I see these benefits as a way that society tries to offer more equal access to an economy that is, especially these days, not well-designed for equal opportunity. From my view, relying only on employment is the "last resort," if the benefits that you have already paid for turn out to not be available, but additional research is needed to determine your eligibility, which is why I encourage you to look into it now to help figure out how to proceed.
posted by katra at 10:55 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I feel like I know just enough to see possible issues where I want to encourage you to proactively figure out what your options may be, so you don't inadvertantly foreclose an opportunity that might otherwise exist. I see you trying to figure out how and whether to make major life decisions, in extremely unusual times, where you may have more financial support than you realize, that might allow you to work and draw benefits at the same time. Specifically, you are asking for advice about how to discuss this with your boss, and whether to link it to the pandemic (possibly supporting UI eligibility?) or maybe to mental health (possibly supporting SSDI?), and I can't emphasize those question marks enough, because this is not the right forum and I am not qualified to make those determinations for you. However, it does seem like a question that can be answered by a lawyer in your jurisdiction, because eligibility for UI and SSDI are legal questions.
I see these benefits as a way that society tries to offer more equal access to an economy that is, especially these days, not well-designed for equal opportunity. From my view, relying only on employment is the "last resort," if the benefits that you have already paid for turn out to not be available, but additional research is needed to determine your eligibility, which is why I encourage you to look into it now to help figure out how to proceed.
posted by katra at 10:55 AM on May 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
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All of this is irrelevant if you haven't even broached the idea with your parents.
There is no point in your weighing an option up if you don't even know if it is an option. You need to know if they'd even consider it, and what they'd need from you to do so, before ANY discussion matters even at all. It's a waste of time without the alternative living situation even being real. Do that first. They may want anything from no rent to a thousand bucks a month and that drastically affects your balance of options. Get that side of it firmed up and fleshed out first. Don't waste your brain on the rest of it until then.
posted by Brockles at 8:33 PM on April 30, 2020 [28 favorites]