Reducing contact with abuser when you're empath
June 18, 2018 12:52 PM Subscribe
What books, websites and other resources can help with reducing contact with an abuser when you're an empath?
I've tried co-parenting for 10 years. I get abused over and over and it affects my kids. I'm not willing to do this anymore and it's leading a lot of changes in how I parent, including how I protect my children from it. I know this is causing my children's other parent a huge amount of upset and they are escalating in their attempts to get my attention, violating my boundaries, intimidating me and causing me distress, while demanding I continue to make up for their parenting gaps. I am trying to be firm about my boundaries. However, the other person really has limited understanding of boundaries and I know this change to what I had hoped and tried for so long is a big change for them.
I have a supportive therapy teams for myself and my kids. I'm good with distractions and grounding and stuff. But I am struggling in between sessions. I know that holding firm about stuff is causing the other person a lot of upset and that projecting that on me is part of the toxic cycle. It's his problem. His decision. I get all that. But I'm super empathetic and it's making me feel like a horrible person...and I'm also getting really triggered, nauseated, scared and more, because it's really just another form of abuse and it's retraumatizing.
But can you recommend anything for getting through this? I feel just sick to my stomach, guilty and like I am the worst person and not being fair. My team says I have a really high sense of empathy and social justice/fairness, relative to most people.
I've tried co-parenting for 10 years. I get abused over and over and it affects my kids. I'm not willing to do this anymore and it's leading a lot of changes in how I parent, including how I protect my children from it. I know this is causing my children's other parent a huge amount of upset and they are escalating in their attempts to get my attention, violating my boundaries, intimidating me and causing me distress, while demanding I continue to make up for their parenting gaps. I am trying to be firm about my boundaries. However, the other person really has limited understanding of boundaries and I know this change to what I had hoped and tried for so long is a big change for them.
I have a supportive therapy teams for myself and my kids. I'm good with distractions and grounding and stuff. But I am struggling in between sessions. I know that holding firm about stuff is causing the other person a lot of upset and that projecting that on me is part of the toxic cycle. It's his problem. His decision. I get all that. But I'm super empathetic and it's making me feel like a horrible person...and I'm also getting really triggered, nauseated, scared and more, because it's really just another form of abuse and it's retraumatizing.
But can you recommend anything for getting through this? I feel just sick to my stomach, guilty and like I am the worst person and not being fair. My team says I have a really high sense of empathy and social justice/fairness, relative to most people.
I think you need to change the visitation agreement so you no longer interact with this person. Being an empath is irrelevant; this person is essentially abusing you and your children. Please talk to a lawyer to find out how you can move forward without having to interact act with them, and you should document all of this.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 1:26 PM on June 18, 2018 [18 favorites]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 1:26 PM on June 18, 2018 [18 favorites]
It sounds like you really value your sense of empathy and your sense of social justice. They're very valuable traits, so this makes a lot of sense.
Here's a question I want to ask you. If you and your children are going to seek justice, is the outcome for yourself weighed into that social justice? How are you weighing the costs of potential courses of action for yourself against the costs presented for your ex? If you took the same situation you are in and imagined a bunch of strangers playing out the same dynamics, what courses of action would you think were just? If your child was in your place, what do you think would be a just outcome?
I ask this because in my experience, many people--particularly people who have survived abuse of various types, and to be clear I do not necessarily mean physical abuse--have been trained to view themselves as not worthy of the same kinds of care and just treatment that they expect for others. This goes particularly for people who really value their ability to seek just outcomes--they often forget that they, themselves, also deserve justice and peace.
Good luck.
posted by sciatrix at 1:27 PM on June 18, 2018 [19 favorites]
Here's a question I want to ask you. If you and your children are going to seek justice, is the outcome for yourself weighed into that social justice? How are you weighing the costs of potential courses of action for yourself against the costs presented for your ex? If you took the same situation you are in and imagined a bunch of strangers playing out the same dynamics, what courses of action would you think were just? If your child was in your place, what do you think would be a just outcome?
I ask this because in my experience, many people--particularly people who have survived abuse of various types, and to be clear I do not necessarily mean physical abuse--have been trained to view themselves as not worthy of the same kinds of care and just treatment that they expect for others. This goes particularly for people who really value their ability to seek just outcomes--they often forget that they, themselves, also deserve justice and peace.
Good luck.
posted by sciatrix at 1:27 PM on June 18, 2018 [19 favorites]
One thing to keep in mind is that you have no control over what happens at the other house (or when your kids are with the other parent). As long as the children are not being abused (look for what this specifically means in your jurisdiction), the other house is not your business. The kids might eat candy for every meal. But it isn't your business. Continuing to repeat that mantra can help.
During the school year, hopefully, your physical interaction with the other parent is probably minimal as long as your pick up/drop offs are organized around the school day (at parent 1's in the morning, but parent 2 picks up in the afternoon). Summer is harder. Depending on the age of your children, you can set things up that you merely drop them off in the car and don't go into the house. Or for younger children, be at one side of a Starbucks while the other parent is at the other side and the child walks between (or the baby is carried by a 3rd party like a sitter).
At school events or games or performances that you both want to be at, don't sit together.
There are things that you two will have to work out - Google Calendar for appointments is a good low contact way to communicate. There are also apps/websites (I don't recall the names, but they've been mentioned here many times before) that manage communication between the two of you.
Some people have a special filter in their email where all of the ex's emails go to. I am nervous about that because there might be something important.
But overall, if you are adhering to the legally binding parenting plan and your ex is upset about it, keep pointing to the parenting plan. You're merely adhering to it. So what if you didn't adhere in the past. You're adhering now. Keep holding firm.
If your parenting plan isn't working for you, you can file a new one.
posted by k8t at 1:32 PM on June 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
During the school year, hopefully, your physical interaction with the other parent is probably minimal as long as your pick up/drop offs are organized around the school day (at parent 1's in the morning, but parent 2 picks up in the afternoon). Summer is harder. Depending on the age of your children, you can set things up that you merely drop them off in the car and don't go into the house. Or for younger children, be at one side of a Starbucks while the other parent is at the other side and the child walks between (or the baby is carried by a 3rd party like a sitter).
At school events or games or performances that you both want to be at, don't sit together.
There are things that you two will have to work out - Google Calendar for appointments is a good low contact way to communicate. There are also apps/websites (I don't recall the names, but they've been mentioned here many times before) that manage communication between the two of you.
Some people have a special filter in their email where all of the ex's emails go to. I am nervous about that because there might be something important.
But overall, if you are adhering to the legally binding parenting plan and your ex is upset about it, keep pointing to the parenting plan. You're merely adhering to it. So what if you didn't adhere in the past. You're adhering now. Keep holding firm.
If your parenting plan isn't working for you, you can file a new one.
posted by k8t at 1:32 PM on June 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure if this is due to you bring overly empathetic or whether it's due to years of abuse that have taught you to question your own right to agency. It's entirely possible that you've internalized that you should be pleasing the abuser and showing them kindness to help protect them from the pain that they, themselves, are generating. I'd be shocked if your abuser didn't realize that your general empathy is something that they can exploit in order to further manipulate you. Second guessing yourself and validating the preposterous claim that you're being cruel by resisting abuse is a pattern that benefits the abuser.
Maybe reframe the issue so that you no longer see yourself (and your empathy) as part of the solution. The abuser will not be cured by the abused. They must find their own path. A path that doesn't include you as a facilitator or helper.
On a practical level, that could mean changing the visitation and/or having all communication happen through a lawyer or other third party. It sounds like the abuser has way too many channels through which they can communicate with you. Shut those down and make sure the kids know that no communication will happen through them. Good luck.
posted by quince at 1:33 PM on June 18, 2018 [13 favorites]
Maybe reframe the issue so that you no longer see yourself (and your empathy) as part of the solution. The abuser will not be cured by the abused. They must find their own path. A path that doesn't include you as a facilitator or helper.
On a practical level, that could mean changing the visitation and/or having all communication happen through a lawyer or other third party. It sounds like the abuser has way too many channels through which they can communicate with you. Shut those down and make sure the kids know that no communication will happen through them. Good luck.
posted by quince at 1:33 PM on June 18, 2018 [13 favorites]
I think that calling yourself an "empath" so prominently in this question could POSSIBLY be part of the problem. Being an empathetic person is awesome, either when dealing with good-hearted people or even when possibly dealing with mean people while not buying into their sh*t. But to the extent that you have a pattern of thinking that makes you berate yourself for not giving in to someone who treats you poorly, MAYBE use a different word for that - a word that does not have the virtuous connotations of being an empath. Feeling guilty for saying no to abuse is a habit that you want to get rid of, and it is NOT inextricable from your virtue of caring about other people's feelings. This is not your empathy speaking; it is another part of you that you don't have to keep.
posted by sheldman at 1:57 PM on June 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by sheldman at 1:57 PM on June 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
Response by poster: My counsellor used the word "empath". I just thought it meant someone who feels other people's feelings too. I don't see it as virtuous. I see it as a risk and I'm kind of offended that people think this wouldn't apply to how my children experience the upset of decisions either.
I have children with severe disabilities, so things like regular childcare and school and walking through a McDonald's or have a child walk out to the car are simply not part of what is possible and it has taken enormous effort to get various service providers to help develop care plans that don't involve both parents for ongoing emergency situations, because apparently it's pretty rare to have this situation and ongoing abuse. So I'd appreciate it very much if people would stop assuming I am not clever enough to avoid contact or that I haven't unpacked problems over the past 10 years.
I was looking for resources, like books and websites or maybe online support groups, but no one has given any here, which is disappointing.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:05 PM on June 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have children with severe disabilities, so things like regular childcare and school and walking through a McDonald's or have a child walk out to the car are simply not part of what is possible and it has taken enormous effort to get various service providers to help develop care plans that don't involve both parents for ongoing emergency situations, because apparently it's pretty rare to have this situation and ongoing abuse. So I'd appreciate it very much if people would stop assuming I am not clever enough to avoid contact or that I haven't unpacked problems over the past 10 years.
I was looking for resources, like books and websites or maybe online support groups, but no one has given any here, which is disappointing.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:05 PM on June 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Gotcha. Let's see... resources for managing this transition and not feeling like shit. I have heard good things about the Out of the FOG forums; whether or not your ex has a personality disorder per se, that might be a good place to investigate as a potential source of support and help. I have also found Issendai's writing on abusive support communities useful as an empathetic aid to avoiding people who are hurting me.
What kinds of resources exactly do you want? Do you want resources for making you feel better about setting boundaries, or about understanding someone who is abusive from a perspective that isn't "omg they are a Monster"? Do you need resources for the juxtaposition of children with disabilities and abuse? I'm going to focus on the first one here, because I find that navigating abusive demands and boundary challenges for someone who is particularly empathetic is easier when you have a cognitive understanding of why the other person is behaving the way they are and why other people are enabling the bad behavior. (This might just be me projecting; your mileage may vary.)
I'd shove Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? at you, but I suspect you've heard of it as a good general aid to understanding abuse. It does have guides to coparenting with an abuser and navigating legal systems, which might or might not be helpful. For an excellent and very practical guide to boundaries, I might encourage you to try Sarah Knight's lovely The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. The advice is good, and the tone is warmly funny enough that I could laugh at myself and feel good about tackling things in a different way even when I was badly stressed about setting boundaries.
It may also help you to read advice blogs about people pushing boundaries; for me, the responses I saw to situations like mine were really helpful for telling my hindbrain that no, in fact, I did have the emotional right to tell someone who was pushing my boundaries to fuck Right off.
posted by sciatrix at 8:02 PM on June 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
What kinds of resources exactly do you want? Do you want resources for making you feel better about setting boundaries, or about understanding someone who is abusive from a perspective that isn't "omg they are a Monster"? Do you need resources for the juxtaposition of children with disabilities and abuse? I'm going to focus on the first one here, because I find that navigating abusive demands and boundary challenges for someone who is particularly empathetic is easier when you have a cognitive understanding of why the other person is behaving the way they are and why other people are enabling the bad behavior. (This might just be me projecting; your mileage may vary.)
I'd shove Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? at you, but I suspect you've heard of it as a good general aid to understanding abuse. It does have guides to coparenting with an abuser and navigating legal systems, which might or might not be helpful. For an excellent and very practical guide to boundaries, I might encourage you to try Sarah Knight's lovely The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. The advice is good, and the tone is warmly funny enough that I could laugh at myself and feel good about tackling things in a different way even when I was badly stressed about setting boundaries.
It may also help you to read advice blogs about people pushing boundaries; for me, the responses I saw to situations like mine were really helpful for telling my hindbrain that no, in fact, I did have the emotional right to tell someone who was pushing my boundaries to fuck Right off.
posted by sciatrix at 8:02 PM on June 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Since you specifically ask about resources around reducing contact, you may wish to check out Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward. While it is intended to address the needs of adult children navigating relationships with abusive parents and other authority figures in their lives, there is a lot of material around going low-/no-contact that may be relevant to your situation.
posted by sutureselves at 4:21 AM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sutureselves at 4:21 AM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you want middle-of-the-night online support, the Mumsnet relationship board is pretty good. You might have to put a fair amount of detail in your first post (to avoid getting a lot of “go no contact” suggestions which are obviously not appropriate in your case), but it’s a supportive group and many women on there are dealing with abusive ex-partners/co-parents (I would say it is 40% abusive partners, 30% unfaithful ones, and 30% other random stuff on there).
The online Freedom Programme gets recommended frequently, but since you are already divorced and you have a therapist it may not be much use to you. I link to it mostly for anyone else reading this question who is in your situation.
posted by tinkletown at 3:05 PM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
The online Freedom Programme gets recommended frequently, but since you are already divorced and you have a therapist it may not be much use to you. I link to it mostly for anyone else reading this question who is in your situation.
posted by tinkletown at 3:05 PM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Quit thinking of yourself as an empath. You are a strong, sane woman working to create a safe and predictable world for her children. Be a grey rock. For further help with your situation, read : https://www.chumplady.com/
posted by Enid Lareg at 3:42 PM on June 19, 2018
posted by Enid Lareg at 3:42 PM on June 19, 2018
Response by poster: Thank you to those of you who provided resources I could access.
Lundy Bancroft's work is great.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:19 AM on June 20, 2018
Lundy Bancroft's work is great.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:19 AM on June 20, 2018
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Surely you had experience with your children throwing temper tantrums because they wanted something that wasn't good for them. Hopefully you learned that even they kicked and screamed and said they hated you, giving them unlimited ice cream wasn't good for them and so you stood your ground.
Your husband doesn't like this change but it is not only the right thing for you and your children it is also invitation to him to accept responsibility, learn to accept boundaries and treat others respectfully. You can't control if he will learn the lessons or not but if you don't do this, you will be reinforcing the bad behavior instead of creating an invitation for growth. So, yes it is uncomfortable but you are also being fair and right in your behavior towards him.
posted by metahawk at 1:16 PM on June 18, 2018 [5 favorites]