How do I stop living my life around work?
September 21, 2015 10:49 AM Subscribe
I can't seem to stop working and have a huge insecurity around money. This is destroying my life. I'd like some ideas on how to stop this. Details inside.
I'm 35 years old, single, live in the UK. I work in Academia, in Computer Science. I started this job at 30. I run a research lab of 9, in a fairly technical field, in a department that is considered in the top five in its field in the world.
Academia is not paid well in the UK. I earn circa $60K PA. I am not intending to be an academic my whole life, I do it because it provides me with the flexibility to do other things. I have worked incredibly hard over the last 3 years to get my group to the point where it the most prolific and interesting group in my lab; we are respected, produce good output and are churning away. It's a well-oiled machine in many respects.
Privately, I'm in angst. I look after elderly family members. I rent my home. I have a very modest lifestyle but it seems between rent (about half my take home income) and supporting my family I'm always running a deficit.
I contract to try and make up the difference. In a year, I'll make about $30K PA doing this. However it means my weekends and evenings are shot. This has now led me down the path where I realise I do nothing but work. If I'm not working, I'm thinking about it. If I do things that aren't work related (e.g. TV or going out) I feel incredibly guilty. It's like my life revolves around working, paid or not. I realise this is unhealthy and counter-productive, but I'm stuck in this loop.
I would go and get a job and build a career in a company but that does not appeal to me at all. I need some help on how to let go and _live_ my life, not worrying about financial insecurity all the time -- to just enjoy my life a little. Ideally I'd like to build and run my own company but so far the idea has eluded me, and I can't assume it will come ever.
Any tips on how to break away from this workaholic and dangerous behaviour is appreciated.
I'm 35 years old, single, live in the UK. I work in Academia, in Computer Science. I started this job at 30. I run a research lab of 9, in a fairly technical field, in a department that is considered in the top five in its field in the world.
Academia is not paid well in the UK. I earn circa $60K PA. I am not intending to be an academic my whole life, I do it because it provides me with the flexibility to do other things. I have worked incredibly hard over the last 3 years to get my group to the point where it the most prolific and interesting group in my lab; we are respected, produce good output and are churning away. It's a well-oiled machine in many respects.
Privately, I'm in angst. I look after elderly family members. I rent my home. I have a very modest lifestyle but it seems between rent (about half my take home income) and supporting my family I'm always running a deficit.
I contract to try and make up the difference. In a year, I'll make about $30K PA doing this. However it means my weekends and evenings are shot. This has now led me down the path where I realise I do nothing but work. If I'm not working, I'm thinking about it. If I do things that aren't work related (e.g. TV or going out) I feel incredibly guilty. It's like my life revolves around working, paid or not. I realise this is unhealthy and counter-productive, but I'm stuck in this loop.
I would go and get a job and build a career in a company but that does not appeal to me at all. I need some help on how to let go and _live_ my life, not worrying about financial insecurity all the time -- to just enjoy my life a little. Ideally I'd like to build and run my own company but so far the idea has eluded me, and I can't assume it will come ever.
Any tips on how to break away from this workaholic and dangerous behaviour is appreciated.
Would you be willing to try consulting full time? That would be essentially running your own company (something you want to do), but doing so in a way that has proven successful for you (and that's only been via dedicating time on weekends/evenings). Perhaps that could net more income and a greater degree of flexibility?
Are there any other relatives that can help you financially or with their time to in care for the elderly family members?
If you aren't exercising, please try to do something active/physical a few times a week. That is definitely a stress reliever for me.
posted by Big Chief Little Pants at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are there any other relatives that can help you financially or with their time to in care for the elderly family members?
If you aren't exercising, please try to do something active/physical a few times a week. That is definitely a stress reliever for me.
posted by Big Chief Little Pants at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
just reading through looking for the weakest point in your argument (in a sense) it seems to me like you could revisit you attitude on working in other companies. i don't know where you are, but a top 5 global computing lab is probably near a bunch of tech companies that could be much nicer to work at than you realise. maybe try sending a few an email saying you're just curious about life on the other side and wondering if you can visit and have a look round? you might be surprised at both their response and the conditions...
also, double your consulting price?
posted by andrewcooke at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
also, double your consulting price?
posted by andrewcooke at 11:10 AM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I need some help on how to let go and _live_ my life, not worrying about financial insecurity all the time -- to just enjoy my life a little.
You already have figured this out.
Think about it. What would you do with any excess income you might earn? Invest it? In what? In the stock market? In government bonds? In gold? Stuff it in the mattress? And what sort of security would that bring? I am reasonably certain all of the money I have saved for retirement will be stolen by Wall Street before I need it. You're 35, surely you'll see one, two, three economic crises during your life. There is no such thing as financial security. Just run ahead of the tsunamis as they come.
Keep your costs low, avoid debt, live your life for today - it is the only thing that cannot be repossessed, deflated, or taxed.
posted by three blind mice at 11:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
You already have figured this out.
Think about it. What would you do with any excess income you might earn? Invest it? In what? In the stock market? In government bonds? In gold? Stuff it in the mattress? And what sort of security would that bring? I am reasonably certain all of the money I have saved for retirement will be stolen by Wall Street before I need it. You're 35, surely you'll see one, two, three economic crises during your life. There is no such thing as financial security. Just run ahead of the tsunamis as they come.
Keep your costs low, avoid debt, live your life for today - it is the only thing that cannot be repossessed, deflated, or taxed.
posted by three blind mice at 11:43 AM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your financial situation and career success aren't far behind- and in fact are probably in better shape- than many people your age, and yet you have a lot of anxiety and repetitive thoughts. I wonder if addressing the anxiety might improve your quality of life even if nothing else changed.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:47 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
You present this problem as being a psychological one, but maybe it is a problem. Do you have any savings? Are you saving any money on a regular basis? Is your bank account growing or shrinking? Do you ever have trouble paying your bills? Do you know what you actually spend every month? Do you know what your take home pay is?
It sounds like it's possible that your cost of living is too high. Half of your income on rent isn't that crazy -- it may not be advisable but a lot of people do it. But if you have tons of other costs, including supporting family members, then maybe you need to cut that down. You could move to a smaller place, a place in a cheaper location, or place with roommates. I don't know what "PA" means, but if you earn $60,000 and you're spending half on rent, that is $2,500 a month, which is very high unless you are living in a NYC or San Francisco type city.
Honestly, if I were you, I would build a budget. Make a spreadsheet. Put all your costs in there and all your income. Figure out if you are losing as much money as you think. Have fun, but budget for it in your sheet. I have deprived myself of buying myself things and having fun before, but once I did a budget, I realized I do have money to spend and in fact I have $x I can blow and still cover all my costs and meet my savings goals. If you don't have room for enjoyment in your budget, where are you spending too much so you can find ways to reduce that line item? The bottom line is that you need to get a clear picture of your finances. I think the unknown is what is driving you batty. Once you know you're ok, you can enjoy life.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
It sounds like it's possible that your cost of living is too high. Half of your income on rent isn't that crazy -- it may not be advisable but a lot of people do it. But if you have tons of other costs, including supporting family members, then maybe you need to cut that down. You could move to a smaller place, a place in a cheaper location, or place with roommates. I don't know what "PA" means, but if you earn $60,000 and you're spending half on rent, that is $2,500 a month, which is very high unless you are living in a NYC or San Francisco type city.
Honestly, if I were you, I would build a budget. Make a spreadsheet. Put all your costs in there and all your income. Figure out if you are losing as much money as you think. Have fun, but budget for it in your sheet. I have deprived myself of buying myself things and having fun before, but once I did a budget, I realized I do have money to spend and in fact I have $x I can blow and still cover all my costs and meet my savings goals. If you don't have room for enjoyment in your budget, where are you spending too much so you can find ways to reduce that line item? The bottom line is that you need to get a clear picture of your finances. I think the unknown is what is driving you batty. Once you know you're ok, you can enjoy life.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:56 AM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
You seem to be feeling excessive guilt and worry, even for someone with a heavy workload. Have you spoken to a doctor about this, and about your stress load? There is help for your specific symptoms.
posted by zennie at 11:59 AM on September 21, 2015
posted by zennie at 11:59 AM on September 21, 2015
I agree that you have a lot of anxiety going on. Therapy might be tough to find the time and money for, so some starter questions to ask yourself:
- how much money would be enough?
- if you were making that much at your academic job, what would you rather be doing with your free time?
- why aren't you starting a company? what would you need to do that?
- what makes you happy, content, the opposite-of-anxious? What is preventing you from doing more of it? is it really the need for more income?
As someone who's got a tendency toward anxiety and dysthymia, therapy helped me define what I wanted so that I could get out of my own way and do those things. It took awhile, but you deserve a more balanced and happier life.
posted by ldthomps at 12:03 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
- how much money would be enough?
- if you were making that much at your academic job, what would you rather be doing with your free time?
- why aren't you starting a company? what would you need to do that?
- what makes you happy, content, the opposite-of-anxious? What is preventing you from doing more of it? is it really the need for more income?
As someone who's got a tendency toward anxiety and dysthymia, therapy helped me define what I wanted so that I could get out of my own way and do those things. It took awhile, but you deserve a more balanced and happier life.
posted by ldthomps at 12:03 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I work in industry as a software developer in the US but it's honestly the same kind of thing--you fall behind if you aren't ahead. I finally have a job where I can afford a CBT therapist, so we've been training me to deal better with my anxiety. It's been great, so if you can afford it, I recommend it. I understand the money thing; I was paid significantly less than my peers when I first moved to NYC, and ouch. I still have a lot of anxiety and workaholism around it, to be honest. I think everyone has given pretty good advice on how to get a handle on anxiety above, so I won't get into that.
I wanted to mention how I've dealt with work-life balance in case it could help you achieve it. I've made work-life balance into a priority by scheduling non-work activities where there are other people who will hold me accountable for not showing up--yoga, group guitar lessons, amateur sports leagues, trivia night teams, etc. This is a hack that works for me, because the willpower it takes to cancel on people is a lot higher than the willpower needed to go. It also helps to take classes or work on a project rather than go out with no plan. You don't have a lot of opportunity to stress out when you're trying to learn or make something. There's also less guilt--I feel like I'm doing something productive even though it doesn't have anything to do with work. Work-life balance doesn't happen by accident; it takes planning and willpower. So having things planned ahead and the decision to go already made already makes it easier to commit to having that balance. Scheduling ahead of time also makes it clear what the tradeoffs are if I choose to take on side work, since I know what my Saturday and Sunday schedules are and what I would need to give up in order to earn more money. I don't think you can change the way you feel about non-work activities until you are doing them regularly.
One last thing. It sounds like it would be difficult for you to get a real day of rest without guilt when there are deadlines. So you might actually be able to relax better in the short term if you take short frequent vacations rather than trying to take the weekends off. Maybe take a day or two off after each milestone your research hits, or after you complete some side work. Your vacation doesn't have to be expensive, but you do need to make some unbreakable plans--meet a friend, make a reservation for something that's difficult to refund, etc. so that you will actually take them.
posted by rhythm and booze at 12:44 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I wanted to mention how I've dealt with work-life balance in case it could help you achieve it. I've made work-life balance into a priority by scheduling non-work activities where there are other people who will hold me accountable for not showing up--yoga, group guitar lessons, amateur sports leagues, trivia night teams, etc. This is a hack that works for me, because the willpower it takes to cancel on people is a lot higher than the willpower needed to go. It also helps to take classes or work on a project rather than go out with no plan. You don't have a lot of opportunity to stress out when you're trying to learn or make something. There's also less guilt--I feel like I'm doing something productive even though it doesn't have anything to do with work. Work-life balance doesn't happen by accident; it takes planning and willpower. So having things planned ahead and the decision to go already made already makes it easier to commit to having that balance. Scheduling ahead of time also makes it clear what the tradeoffs are if I choose to take on side work, since I know what my Saturday and Sunday schedules are and what I would need to give up in order to earn more money. I don't think you can change the way you feel about non-work activities until you are doing them regularly.
One last thing. It sounds like it would be difficult for you to get a real day of rest without guilt when there are deadlines. So you might actually be able to relax better in the short term if you take short frequent vacations rather than trying to take the weekends off. Maybe take a day or two off after each milestone your research hits, or after you complete some side work. Your vacation doesn't have to be expensive, but you do need to make some unbreakable plans--meet a friend, make a reservation for something that's difficult to refund, etc. so that you will actually take them.
posted by rhythm and booze at 12:44 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
In case people are still wondering, "PA" means "per annum," that is per year. I think it's more common to refer to salaries this way in the UK, where the OP is, than in the US.
posted by spelunkingplato at 4:05 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by spelunkingplato at 4:05 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with others that you need to find some way of cutting down your expenses or raising your income so that you don't have to work as many hours to get by. But I'm in academia too, and honestly even without the side consulting gigs, there's a pervasive idea that every hour of the day should be spent working and that if you aren't working, that's completely wasted time and you will not get the next grant/publication line on the CV/job contract and you will die destitute in a gutter.
So some of it is psychological. (And some of it is because academia is in a crappy state, although comp sci is better off than many fields.)
I have been fighting to get these beliefs under control in my own life over the past few years, and there are a few things that work for me:
1. have some element of your research that actually straddles the boundary between stuff you would do for fun anyway and work. Make that the focus of the work that you do at home in the evenings and weekends, and keep the more tedious or stressful projects for the on-campus work. Don't answer emails or do administrative bullshit at home if you can possibly avoid it. No one will die (or fail to get their fellowship) if forms are not submitted in the correct formatting in triplicate.
2. have a ritual that you use to bookend the periods of work and play at home, so that you can remind yourself that you are deliberately switching off or on at a given point. For me that is making a cup of tea when I settle down to work, and going outside onto the balcony or into the garden for a few minutes when I stop. It helps your brain recognise what is going on, and that it's a deliberate choice.
3. If you have only a couple of hours available for leisure on a given day, make them count. Even if you really just want to veg out in front of the TV, that won't be so restorative as going for a walk in the park, or eating at your favourite cafe, visiting a friend, or even going out to the movies. Do something that packs in extra fun into the short time you have.
4. try to cultivate a social life with people you don't work with. That's hard if you are never not working, but it's really important. Otherwise you spend all your socialising time talking about work too, and it just increases the feeling of never getting to switch off.
5. try to find one time of the week when you absolutely don't work no matter what. Ideally a whole day would be nice, but even a couple of hours that you block out in your calendar every week is pretty good. Like, Saturday mornings, maybe. If you know all week you can take Saturday mornign off, and plan something nice for yourself, it's like a little holiday. And your brain will get used to the regularity of it and stop bugging you about work during that period if you do it often enough.
posted by lollusc at 5:05 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
So some of it is psychological. (And some of it is because academia is in a crappy state, although comp sci is better off than many fields.)
I have been fighting to get these beliefs under control in my own life over the past few years, and there are a few things that work for me:
1. have some element of your research that actually straddles the boundary between stuff you would do for fun anyway and work. Make that the focus of the work that you do at home in the evenings and weekends, and keep the more tedious or stressful projects for the on-campus work. Don't answer emails or do administrative bullshit at home if you can possibly avoid it. No one will die (or fail to get their fellowship) if forms are not submitted in the correct formatting in triplicate.
2. have a ritual that you use to bookend the periods of work and play at home, so that you can remind yourself that you are deliberately switching off or on at a given point. For me that is making a cup of tea when I settle down to work, and going outside onto the balcony or into the garden for a few minutes when I stop. It helps your brain recognise what is going on, and that it's a deliberate choice.
3. If you have only a couple of hours available for leisure on a given day, make them count. Even if you really just want to veg out in front of the TV, that won't be so restorative as going for a walk in the park, or eating at your favourite cafe, visiting a friend, or even going out to the movies. Do something that packs in extra fun into the short time you have.
4. try to cultivate a social life with people you don't work with. That's hard if you are never not working, but it's really important. Otherwise you spend all your socialising time talking about work too, and it just increases the feeling of never getting to switch off.
5. try to find one time of the week when you absolutely don't work no matter what. Ideally a whole day would be nice, but even a couple of hours that you block out in your calendar every week is pretty good. Like, Saturday mornings, maybe. If you know all week you can take Saturday mornign off, and plan something nice for yourself, it's like a little holiday. And your brain will get used to the regularity of it and stop bugging you about work during that period if you do it often enough.
posted by lollusc at 5:05 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
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Can you rent a smaller home? Take in roommates? These days, housing is pretty much the #1 expense, so it may be that you'll need to find a way to change that.
Can you ask for a raise? It sounds like you've made quite a bit of progress in your career and where you work, so you probably deserve an extra something. Maybe between a raise and a bit of cost-cutting, you can stop having to contract and can reclaim some of your life.
posted by xingcat at 11:08 AM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]