My daughter has cancer

June 17, 2015 9:52 AM

The love of my life has recently been diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. This seemed to come out of nowhere. In the space of a month from one checkup to the next she developed a 2.5 centimeter tumour. I'm lost.

She is due to start chemo therapy very shortly and then after that have surgery. My search skills on line are lacking. There seems to be plenty of books about every other kind of cancer relationship out there, but not my situation. She is in her 40's, married with a 5 year old daughter. The latest thing they are talking about is the possibility of lymph gland swelling. I don't know where to turn as it seems my world is going to come crashing down. I want to do everything that I possibly can to support her. Where do I go? Who can provide me with answers?

posted by malhaley to Health & Fitness (14 answers total)

I have breast cancer. I am 38. After I was diagnosed, my mom barely ate for a week and stayed up for hours googling, and then had the good sense to call her doctor and get back on Zoloft, which helped. What also will help is time. The weeks surrounding diagnosis before treatment begins are awful, awful, awful. But it will get better as you adjust to the new reality here. It does get better. I promise.

What has helped me most from the people I love the most, including my mom, is still treating me like the same person I was before. I know you're freaking out and so is she, but if you can at all prevent freaking out together, I would try. Try to be calm when you talk with her. Don't make every conversation only about the cancer. Don't tell her about things you've googled. (And honestly, I would probably try to avoid googling yourself, if you can help it, at least until the terror starts to subside a bit. Statistics can be misleading, especially with certain types of more aggressive breast cancer that have newer, more recently developed treatments. That said, BreastCancer.org has been a lifeline for me. In addition to loads of information, there are also forums there for current patients, survivors, and caregivers.)

It also helped me a lot that my mom was there for my surgery - she's a nurse, which was a nice bonus, but I know my husband also appreciated having someone else around during that time to take the weight off of him, so he could still go to work and not have to feel like he was the only adult in charge. She wanted to visit a lot more than that when I was going through chemo, but I really didn't feel up to it because the last thing I wanted when I felt like garbage was houseguests. Your daughter may well feel differently, but try to let her decide what she needs rather than making it about what you need. And yes, I know that's going to be hard.

Hang in there. The abject terror does subside. Take it one day at a time for now, and just keep being the parent you've always been to her.
posted by something something at 10:13 AM on June 17, 2015 [37 favorites]

I am so sorry your daughter and you are facing this. The Cancer Support Community (formerly Gilda's Club), may be a good place to start to find some answers and support for yourself as well. This Breast Cancer Support site also offers spots for support specifically for caregivers.

Wishing your daughter good health and that you are both surrounded by love and support as she works through treatment.
posted by goggie at 10:15 AM on June 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

Well, just from personal experience I would say that it's a GOOD thing your search skills online are lacking; probably the less internet searching you do, the better. Information is often conflicting, out-of-date, or scaremongering, plus a lot of it will be completely inapplicable to your specific daughter's specific case and treatment. So don't worry about internetting right now.

Your daughter and her spouse will be the best judges of what kinds of support they need. Generally speaking, having you around for emergency childcare, rides to appointments (or driving the grandkid to her events/school/etc.), and meal delivery will probably be high on their list.

It can be challenging for patients/spouses to remember their needs at a particular moment, so saying "how can I help" might not actually be that helpful. Instead, try making concrete suggestions and asking if they're wanted: "I know you have appointments on x day, I'd like to babysit Grandchild so you don't have to bring her along--would that help?" Or even, "are there any days this week that you'd want me to babysit/bring a dinner/come over and do laundry?"

Become familiar with the strategy of "Comfort in, dump out." It's totally okay for you to need your OWN support through this time, but your daughter and her spouse shouldn't be that support for you. Others may know of good online support resources but your daughter's hospital/medical group may be able to refer you to an in-person support group as well.

I'm so sorry all of you are going through this.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2015 [9 favorites]

Where do I go?

Therapy. Please. Don't wait.

I am a super chill, evenly keeled person who doesn't get rattled by anything, and geez when I found out my mom had cancer (even caught really, really early, dealt with swiftly, with a great future prognosis) I was an absolute mess. Like having to shut myself in a closet at work to randomly cry in the middle of the day, and having to pull the car over to the side of the road to sit and cry mess. And that's me as a daughter with my mom being the ill one. I can't even imagine your situation.

So I found a therapist (I used the Psychology Today search function) who specialized in coping skills, grief, and loss, and went for a few months. It was really worthwhile for me. I think a lot of people are hesitant to see a therapist because there's this idea that it's a forever thing (which is fine, and totally useful and important for some people) but it doesn't have to be. For me, it was an extremely useful tool to get over the sadness hump so I could start processing my feelings better.

I think that's the best thing you can do right now. Your impulse to want to do everything you can for her is totally understandable, but you're not going to cure her cancer. Your best role is to be supportive in whatever way she needs you to be supportive (which is going to differ for everyone*), and you can't do that if you're a wreck yourself. First step is taking care of your emotional well being so you can be supportive of your daughter. Remember, dump out, comfort in. Working on coping skills for yourself will help give you a sense of control over a situation where you yourself are helpless.

*Like I said, everybody's needs for how they want to be supported are different. For my mom, she wanted everyone to treat her the exactly the same, which meant keeping her illness quiet and keeping pink ribbons the hell away from her. There's no way I could have treated her the same as usual without having gotten my own self in check so I didn't start crying on the phone with her.
posted by phunniemee at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2015 [4 favorites]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Many people, especially initially, find help and comfort going to support groups. There are support groups for patients, caregivers and families. If you give your location perhaps someone here knows of one that will be particularly helpful for you.

My thoughts are with you, your daughter and family.
posted by a22lamia at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2015

Many bigger practices have a social worker on staff; you may wish to call, introduce yourself as a family member of a patient, and ask to speak to the social worker. Consider doing this soon, if you don't already know any other professionals.

Then, if it helps you feel calmer to work on things, consider organizing people -- friends & family, co-workers, parish members, neighbors, or whoever among those that she feels comfortable telling -- who can help with rides to the doctor, meals, errands, house-cleaning, and the like. Setting up a lotsahelpinghands.com site is a good way to do this.

FInd someone who you can freak out with, when you're not with her.

And just hang in there. She has doctors, and their speciality is medicine; you are family, and your speciality is love. So be there, be honest, be quiet, and keep showing up.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:47 AM on June 17, 2015 [5 favorites]

She has doctors, and their speciality is medicine; you are family, and your speciality is love. So be there, be honest, be quiet, and keep showing up.

Best and warmest wishes for you and your daughter.
posted by three blind mice at 10:59 AM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at about age 40, I flew out and took care of her daughter while she was hospitalised, then took care of her post op. I helped her take her first shower. Her husband and I took her, with kids in tow, to a buffet restaurant just two or three days after she came home from the hospital. He dropped both of us at the door, then parked. I got her seated and got her a plate while he wrangled three kids. I also broke her fever by pushing fluids and food at her on her first night home. I only slept two hours that night.

It made a big difference in her recovery and I felt a lot less helpless. If you can provide something like that, it might be good for both of you. Other ideas: clean her house or pay for a maid, provide home cooked meals or a meal delivery service.

Sorry you are going through this.
posted by Michele in California at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2015

(This ended up long, but I'm gonna post the whole thing because I figure it can't hurt anything.)

I can't suggest resources, but I can tell you about how my parents responded last year, when I had cancer. They were there to listen when I needed to rant, and they were relentlessly upbeat about my chances. Even when I thought they were being unrealistic, it was still reassuring to me to hear them put the best possible spin on things. They weren't in denial, but if there was a silver lining, they found it. (But that's just me, and obviously not all cancer patients would respond that way.)

They also told me how proud of me they were, and said I was being very brave. There's a thing these days where a lot of cancer patients seem to resent being told they're brave or hearing cancer called a battle or fight. (This just came up on Metafilter the other day, actually.) But I'll say that for me, the battle metaphors seemed apt and being told I was brave felt good. I was terrified and I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had to be strong, strong, strong, every freaking day, or I was going to collapse in a puddle of despair and panic. Having somebody say, "Wow, you sure are being brave," that gave me some more strength.

When I thought I was terminal, I got super into family stuff in a way I'd never been. (I had a history of being kind of quiet and distant with my extended family, and I think some of them were really weirded out that I was suddenly like, I love you and I want to be part of your life now!) Reconnecting with family and old friends, and reminders of my past, that stuff meant a lot. I was kind of desperate for confirmation that I'd existed, that people would remember me and I was going to leave some kind of footprint in the world. Again, that was just me. But if you can arrange some family get-togethers, that might be very nice for her. If you dug her old yearbooks (or something similarly nostalgic) out of the attic, she might appreciate that.

Offer to babysit, if that's an option. Taking care of boring real-life chores and stuff, that's huge. Maybe try not to let her see how scared you are. I can't think of a circumstance where knowing her mom is terrified for her would be helpful. Put on a brave face, listen, and tell her you are proud of her for being strong.

I'm sorry your family is going through this, and wish you the best.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:58 PM on June 17, 2015 [3 favorites]

I agree with Ursula. As a parent of a young child, my first thought was helping out with the house and the child.

That child is also going to be going through a scary time so having a loving supportive grandma will also help.

If you are freaking out, therapy and taking care of yourself initially will help in the long run so you can support your daughter. You don't mention your spouse or your daughter's spouse. If you have one, hopefully you can turn to them for support. Similarly, if your daughter has a spouse or SO connecting with them might be good as well. It can be very difficult being the supporting party to someone with cancer and they often have to drop everything to care for their loved one. This is an excellent opportunity to be a supportive mother in law and get closer.
posted by Deathalicious at 1:54 AM on June 18, 2015

A very useful thing is driving her around: the love taxi where she can be quiet, or sob, or listen to Aretha Franklin.

Best wishes!
posted by Jesse the K at 3:32 AM on June 18, 2015

Response by poster: I thank everyone for the posts. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I'm the father of my 40 year old daughter. I was talking about resources that were specifically tailored for that type of relationship. My wife and I take care of our grand daughter everyday. Their family only lives 8 miles away. Again thank you.
posted by malhaley at 3:36 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have two daughters, too, and this is the sort of news that robs me of sleep. I'm so sorry, malhaley.
Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I'm the father of my 40 year old daughter. I was talking about resources that were specifically tailored for that type of relationship.

I would only repeat that your job now is to soldier on and be present and available and patient. Like I said, she's got doctors -- probably more than you ever expected -- and they are doctoring; you have a different role to play. A piece of your role is simply to keep your shit together when you're with her. (This may be the hardest part, too! :7)

If you are looking for ways to find your emotional footing in order to prepare for this whole months-long slog, then the book "Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men" by John W. Anderson might be useful. It is written by a man whose mother, wife, and sister all were treated. It has really specific advice about your role and responsibilities, and how to prepare. It's from 2009, but still relevant; here, browse around the (kind of stale) web site and see if it sounds useful: http://standbyher.org
posted by wenestvedt at 5:54 AM on June 18, 2015

One more thing: you might find a measure of calm and control by becoming her recording angel. She needs someone to go to all the appointments and take notes, and also write down all the questions that you think of between appointments, and organize all the papers & forms, and set up the password for the web portal where you make appointments and send notes to the doctors, etc., etc.

By being in that role you will have the feeling of agency from having all the details at your fingertips, and learn all the jargon, while providing a really useful service to her.

Just try not to get too bogged down in the details of your web searches: the doctors probably have more current info than various web sites you will see at the top of Google's results.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:34 PM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]