What do I write, and give to him the last day of a friendly brake up?
August 23, 2008 3:42 PM Subscribe
What do I write, and give to him the last day of a friendly break up?
We've agreed that the best thing for both of us is that I move out of his place after a year and a half, (as I can't bear any more the situation of loving someone who does not love me).
I will move out while he is away of the country travelling for work, so when he gets back my room will be empty. For the times we've shared, and the care and support he’s showed for me on several occasions, I would like to leave in my bed room a little something, and a short letter.
Any of you imaginative/ writers out there, could give me some advice what to Buy? Also, what to write? (English is not my first language and it’s difficult for me to write something special, touching and well written to him for this occasion and the circumstances).
We've agreed that the best thing for both of us is that I move out of his place after a year and a half, (as I can't bear any more the situation of loving someone who does not love me).
I will move out while he is away of the country travelling for work, so when he gets back my room will be empty. For the times we've shared, and the care and support he’s showed for me on several occasions, I would like to leave in my bed room a little something, and a short letter.
Any of you imaginative/ writers out there, could give me some advice what to Buy? Also, what to write? (English is not my first language and it’s difficult for me to write something special, touching and well written to him for this occasion and the circumstances).
Thank you for your suggestion, but the thing is that It's diff for me to choose at this moment the right thing to buy, and also to write, because I am deeply sad, and hurt. But still I want to show apreciattion for the things he did for me when I most needed.
Any help or advice from people who see the situation with a different perspective than me , would be more impartial, and helpful than mine because of my current feeling state.
Thank you
posted by zulo at 4:01 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: Looking at your previous post, I think the less you write, the better.
This sounds like a situation that was extremely emotionally difficult for you, and which may not have been emotionally difficult for him. In cases like that, you will be tempted to write a long letter explaining what this has meant for you, but then later you will feel bad for laying out your heart like that to someone who might not care as much as you deserve. So hold back.
"Thank you for your friendship. I wish you all the best." would about cover it. That is kind but a bit distant. It doesn't sound angry or upset, but it does sound like you intend not to see him anymore.
If you want to be a bit mean you could say "I hope that you will find someone who makes you happy." But I think you'll feel better if you leave that out and just say as little as possible.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:01 PM on August 23, 2008 [6 favorites]
This sounds like a situation that was extremely emotionally difficult for you, and which may not have been emotionally difficult for him. In cases like that, you will be tempted to write a long letter explaining what this has meant for you, but then later you will feel bad for laying out your heart like that to someone who might not care as much as you deserve. So hold back.
"Thank you for your friendship. I wish you all the best." would about cover it. That is kind but a bit distant. It doesn't sound angry or upset, but it does sound like you intend not to see him anymore.
If you want to be a bit mean you could say "I hope that you will find someone who makes you happy." But I think you'll feel better if you leave that out and just say as little as possible.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:01 PM on August 23, 2008 [6 favorites]
You might also look at Houstonian's answer in that previous thread. Those are some phrases that might work well in a short goodbye letter.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:06 PM on August 23, 2008
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:06 PM on August 23, 2008
it's always hard to know what, if anything, to say at a time like this. First of all, don't worry about the language thing too much. if you express yourself sincerely, anyone who is not an asshole will get and appreciate what you are trying to say.
Maybe you could just write about some of the best times you had together and what they meant to you? This is risky, because it could just make it harder for both of you, but it's good to try to leave with positive thoughts about each other if you can.
"Thank you for your friendship. I wish you all the best."
The comment I'm quoting from is hopefully going to be removed, but please don't say anything cruel like that. That sounds like a business letter.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2008
Maybe you could just write about some of the best times you had together and what they meant to you? This is risky, because it could just make it harder for both of you, but it's good to try to leave with positive thoughts about each other if you can.
"Thank you for your friendship. I wish you all the best."
The comment I'm quoting from is hopefully going to be removed, but please don't say anything cruel like that. That sounds like a business letter.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2008
a single flower in a flowerpot, in the center of the empty room. a kind of farewell haiku.
posted by limon at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by limon at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008 [3 favorites]
Best answer: For the times we've shared, and the care and support [you have] shown for me
What you wrote right there sounds fine. Throw in a "Thank you" at the beginning, and a "; it has meant a lot to me." at the end.
posted by CKmtl at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008
What you wrote right there sounds fine. Throw in a "Thank you" at the beginning, and a "; it has meant a lot to me." at the end.
posted by CKmtl at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: I'm writing this as a guy, but I'm not trying to be a dumbass or to lighten the situation. But as a guy, I don't want something sentimental or meaningful. Honestly, a good present would be something useful, like a hammer, or a cordless drill. Maybe a nice frying pan or a basketball. I know that sounds crass, but I think if it's something he'll use, it will make a lasting impression on him. Hey, I'm a guy, and those are some things I wouldn't mind getting. Seriously, every time he uses the hammer he'll think, "You know, this is the hammer that zulonline gave me."
Hope that helps!
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 4:21 PM on August 23, 2008
Hope that helps!
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 4:21 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: Leave nothing. You were more than enough of a gift in his life.
posted by oflinkey at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2008 [7 favorites]
posted by oflinkey at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2008 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I would give him this poem, which is actually about atomic bomb testing, but has always seemed appropriate to me for break ups or death or other things coming to a close -- because breakups are the nuclear war of relationships, where nothing but decimation and sadness is left at the end. The poem is helpful in that it suggests your gratefulness by calling your time together a "vacation," but is open ended in that it suggests it was a vacation for him as well, and maybe he did not realize it at the time. Let him read this and wonder if you are smarter than he has given you credit for. And leave a note at the end saying, "Thank you for your help and assistance through this last year, which otherwise would have been terribly difficult for me. zulonline" with perhaps a scarf that smells like you, or something that is reminiscent of the country you came from, on the bed (the latter to show that you are not ashamed of your roots, and should not be, even if he is).
zulonline, I wish you luck and healing.
When the Vacation Is Over for Good
It will be strange.
Knowing at last it couldn't go on forever,
The certain voice telling us over and over
That nothing would change.
And remembering too,
Because by then it will all be done with, the way
Things were, and how we had wasted time as though
There was nothing to do,
When, in a flash
The weather turned, and the lofty air became
Unbearably heavy, the wind strikingly dumb
And our cities like ash,
And knowing also,
What we never suspected, that it was something like summer
At its most august except that the nights were warmer
And the clouds seemed to glow,
And even then,
Because we will not have changed much, wondering what
Will become of things, and who will be left to do it
All over again,
And somehow trying,
But still unable, to know just what it was
That went so completely wrong, or why it is
We are dying.
Mark Strand
posted by onlyconnect at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2008 [11 favorites]
zulonline, I wish you luck and healing.
When the Vacation Is Over for Good
It will be strange.
Knowing at last it couldn't go on forever,
The certain voice telling us over and over
That nothing would change.
And remembering too,
Because by then it will all be done with, the way
Things were, and how we had wasted time as though
There was nothing to do,
When, in a flash
The weather turned, and the lofty air became
Unbearably heavy, the wind strikingly dumb
And our cities like ash,
And knowing also,
What we never suspected, that it was something like summer
At its most august except that the nights were warmer
And the clouds seemed to glow,
And even then,
Because we will not have changed much, wondering what
Will become of things, and who will be left to do it
All over again,
And somehow trying,
But still unable, to know just what it was
That went so completely wrong, or why it is
We are dying.
Mark Strand
posted by onlyconnect at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2008 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I think that such overwrought displays of mournful emotion are best left in the movies, where they belong.
Just leave.
An empty home will be enough to achieve the desired effect. Anything beyond that and you're just wasting your time and effort.
posted by wfrgms at 4:56 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
Just leave.
An empty home will be enough to achieve the desired effect. Anything beyond that and you're just wasting your time and effort.
posted by wfrgms at 4:56 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
drjimmy, if you think that sounds cold, read her previous post about the relationship she is leaving.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:02 PM on August 23, 2008
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:02 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: Please do not write him, zuluonline. This was an unfair and manipulative relationship, and you have had your heart toyed with in such a careless way. Mr. Fancypants got lots of sex from his poor little foreigner when he was at home, it worked out really conveniently for him.
The guy was an asshole. Thinking about a present or sharing your excellent self more with him is bad and wrong.
Leave, and forget.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:18 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]
The guy was an asshole. Thinking about a present or sharing your excellent self more with him is bad and wrong.
Leave, and forget.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:18 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Zulonline, your heart is broken so you are not thinking right. You loved this man. He did not love you. No gift, no note! Please!
Perhaps you imagine how sweetly sad it will be when he reads your (perhaps tear-stained) letter and sees your thoughtful gift. But later, when you have moved on to better things, you will regret that you sold your dignity for so cheap. If he does not love you, a gift or a letter is not going to mean anything to him, and it will not change his mind.
Yes, you got something good from the relationship. Guess what? So did he -- he got you! And now he's throwing that away? Then, no gift, no letter. You've had your last words; let that be all.
posted by Houstonian at 6:30 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
Perhaps you imagine how sweetly sad it will be when he reads your (perhaps tear-stained) letter and sees your thoughtful gift. But later, when you have moved on to better things, you will regret that you sold your dignity for so cheap. If he does not love you, a gift or a letter is not going to mean anything to him, and it will not change his mind.
Yes, you got something good from the relationship. Guess what? So did he -- he got you! And now he's throwing that away? Then, no gift, no letter. You've had your last words; let that be all.
posted by Houstonian at 6:30 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Leave nothing. This guy is an asshole. You deserve to be treated with respect. The way he treated you is cold and wrong.
Leaving him something will mean nothing to him, he will not appreciate it. All it will do is inflate his self-worth. He will think "ha! I treat this women like shit and she still feels attached to me and thinks I'm a nice guy!"
You should never be in a realationship were you are made to feel inferior or one that lowers your self-respect.
On second thought, I have the perfect thing...leave a huge pile of shit in the middle of the floor with a black rose in the middle. Tha would pretty much sum up your realtionship
...sorry if this comes off as too harsh...
posted by Epsilon-minus semi moron at 6:52 PM on August 23, 2008
Leaving him something will mean nothing to him, he will not appreciate it. All it will do is inflate his self-worth. He will think "ha! I treat this women like shit and she still feels attached to me and thinks I'm a nice guy!"
You should never be in a realationship were you are made to feel inferior or one that lowers your self-respect.
On second thought, I have the perfect thing...leave a huge pile of shit in the middle of the floor with a black rose in the middle. Tha would pretty much sum up your realtionship
...sorry if this comes off as too harsh...
posted by Epsilon-minus semi moron at 6:52 PM on August 23, 2008
I disagree with the naysayers. I like the idea of leaving something. Maybe he will learn a lesson? Saying "thank you for your kindness and care when I needed it" hurts no one.
posted by gjc at 7:03 PM on August 23, 2008
posted by gjc at 7:03 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: Don't.
I had a similar crisis of "OMG, What do I say?!" about what on Earth was I going to say to my ex-husband after our divorce hearing was over. I felt I owed him something. When mulling it over with my friend who was going with me as a witness, she said "Don't. Don't say anything." And she was absolutely dead-on right.
Everything I needed to say was better said to friends. There was no need for any "last words" - we'd said everything we'd ever have to say to each other.
This could go one of two ways if you leave a letter: He'll see it and feel bad, perhaps touched. Life will go on. He'll see it and crumple it up and/or throw it away, perhaps without reading it. Life will go on. In either case, no actual change will come in your relationship.
The empty room already says enough.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:12 PM on August 23, 2008
I had a similar crisis of "OMG, What do I say?!" about what on Earth was I going to say to my ex-husband after our divorce hearing was over. I felt I owed him something. When mulling it over with my friend who was going with me as a witness, she said "Don't. Don't say anything." And she was absolutely dead-on right.
Everything I needed to say was better said to friends. There was no need for any "last words" - we'd said everything we'd ever have to say to each other.
This could go one of two ways if you leave a letter: He'll see it and feel bad, perhaps touched. Life will go on. He'll see it and crumple it up and/or throw it away, perhaps without reading it. Life will go on. In either case, no actual change will come in your relationship.
The empty room already says enough.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:12 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: Having read your other post, I agree with those who say he doesn't deserve a letter. But you do. Write one to yourself. Maybe even have it say the kinds of things you wish you could say to this person who has hurt you so deeply. Then seal it up, write your own name on it, and put it someplace safe. Keep it as a message to your future self.
I understand that what you really want here is closure -- some acknowledgment that this is really done, and that you mattered to this person. But likely the only closure you will be able to have will come from your own grieving process as you move on from here. So write your goodbye -- sum it up, explain yourself, expose yourself -- but give that gift to the person who needs your care and compassion the most right now: you.
posted by mothershock at 7:17 PM on August 23, 2008
I understand that what you really want here is closure -- some acknowledgment that this is really done, and that you mattered to this person. But likely the only closure you will be able to have will come from your own grieving process as you move on from here. So write your goodbye -- sum it up, explain yourself, expose yourself -- but give that gift to the person who needs your care and compassion the most right now: you.
posted by mothershock at 7:17 PM on August 23, 2008
Best answer: +1 for leaving without a trace.
I'm afraid you're asking this question because you think that the perfect gift/note will make him completely change his mind about you, or come running back to you. He's not going to. And why would you want him to? You deserve so much better, and I think you'll be able to see that soon after getting yourself out of his bubble. You're making the right choice in leaving him, so long as you leave him completely and don't look back.
Good luck.
posted by infinityjinx at 8:03 PM on August 23, 2008
I'm afraid you're asking this question because you think that the perfect gift/note will make him completely change his mind about you, or come running back to you. He's not going to. And why would you want him to? You deserve so much better, and I think you'll be able to see that soon after getting yourself out of his bubble. You're making the right choice in leaving him, so long as you leave him completely and don't look back.
Good luck.
posted by infinityjinx at 8:03 PM on August 23, 2008
Leave an empty box, wrapped with silver paper and a ribbon. No, I don't think it'll mean anything to him, but maybe it'll make him think.
posted by b33j at 2:26 AM on August 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by b33j at 2:26 AM on August 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
I really do appreciate all of you who took the time to respond to this. I could not see things clearly as I said, because the way I am feeling ,therefore your assertive suggestions were inmensely helpful.
Thank you to Lobstermitter, drjimmy11 ,limon ,CKmtl at, onlyconect, wayman, gjc, who gave me ideas ,and advice whatto leave ,and ,and say in written. I will keep your suggestions in my mind and in my heart forever.
Meatbom, Houstonian, Lobstermitter : Thank you for your advice, care, and great support, and for helping me to see things clearly. I really apreciate your words, I did what you suggested to do on my last post, and I will do it again this time.. Thank you.
Fruitmoon, infinityjinx,Epsilon,mothershock, Oflinkey: Thank you too for taking the time to read about my situation ,give me strenght, advice and help me to confirm my above desition.
Lots of love and thanks to all of you.
Zulyonline
.
posted by zulo at 2:51 AM on August 24, 2008
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posted by ook at 3:48 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]