I'm sooooo interested in your answers
August 13, 2008 11:00 AM Subscribe
How can I sound like less of a jerk?
I have been told I have a sarcastic voice. It has strained relationships with coworkers and friends, and my fiancee has starteed to notice it. When I press people for details, I get vague answers. I assume it is my tone of voice, possibly my cadence but I know nothing about this field.
I arranged a meeting with a vocal coach, and was told they don't handle problems like mine. I have to speak in public once or twice a year and don't run into this tonal problem in front of groups, so I'm not certain Toastmasters would help here.
So I turn to you.
I have been told I have a sarcastic voice. It has strained relationships with coworkers and friends, and my fiancee has starteed to notice it. When I press people for details, I get vague answers. I assume it is my tone of voice, possibly my cadence but I know nothing about this field.
I arranged a meeting with a vocal coach, and was told they don't handle problems like mine. I have to speak in public once or twice a year and don't run into this tonal problem in front of groups, so I'm not certain Toastmasters would help here.
So I turn to you.
Best answer: I think you'll need specifics. As someone you trust to tell you exactly what makes you sound sarcastic. Is it that you speak in too much of a monotone, so that when you say something that calls for emotion, and you don't seem to be really feeling any emotions, people assume you're putting them on? Or is it that you respond with too much emotion, so that people think you're mocking their excitement? Is it the way you phrase things?
If people complain, I would also ask them to be very specific. Once you know what's making them uncertain of the tone you intend, you can work on that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:15 AM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
If people complain, I would also ask them to be very specific. Once you know what's making them uncertain of the tone you intend, you can work on that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:15 AM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do you have hearing problems? I do, and I'm often told my tone is off. It's hard for me to mimic "nice people voices" because of this (my fiance, who has superhuman hearing, can do amazing impressions). If it's not your hearing, then really listen to others and repeat words/phrases to a friend until he/she tells you that you've gotten it right.
I'm also told my phrasing is off because I tend to be very direct. For example, I'll ask my fiance, "Are you planning to pick up the laundry on the floor tonight?" To me it is a direct question with no sarcastic intent. To him it implies that he should have already done that and I am treating him like a child. It's a matter of knowing my audience and tailoring my message to them. "Hey, I'd really like it if you would pick up the laundry off the bedroom floor tonight" or "I'll help you pick up the laundry and then we'll have dinner" is MUCH more effective. Same result, different phrasing.
posted by desjardins at 11:18 AM on August 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
I'm also told my phrasing is off because I tend to be very direct. For example, I'll ask my fiance, "Are you planning to pick up the laundry on the floor tonight?" To me it is a direct question with no sarcastic intent. To him it implies that he should have already done that and I am treating him like a child. It's a matter of knowing my audience and tailoring my message to them. "Hey, I'd really like it if you would pick up the laundry off the bedroom floor tonight" or "I'll help you pick up the laundry and then we'll have dinner" is MUCH more effective. Same result, different phrasing.
posted by desjardins at 11:18 AM on August 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Do you mean that your fiancee has started to notice the sarcasm in your voice? Then ask her to point it out every time she hears it. Don't ask what specifically made it seem sarcastic, because she won't be able to say exactly what it was. Instead, ask her to mimic back to you the way that YOU said it (including your facial expression/body posture that accompanied what you said). Then, ask her to say it in a way that wouldn't have sounded sarcastic (the way that she would have said the same thing, perhaps?). Listen to the difference, and try detect what the difference between the two is.
Once you realize what it is that you are doing, you have a greater chance of stopping that behavior and changing it.
posted by jujube at 11:31 AM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Once you realize what it is that you are doing, you have a greater chance of stopping that behavior and changing it.
posted by jujube at 11:31 AM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Are you sure it's just the tonal qualities that people have a problem with? Wording plays a part in perceived "sarcasm" as well.
This area is more relevant to linguistics/sociolinguistics than mere voice training. Most people are never consciously aware of how tonal properties affect intended meaning (not just semantics).
The recording idea was one I had too--especially if a friend/your fiancee is willing to be recorded with you one-on-one and analyze the recordings together in discussion so you both can communicate more clearly on specific examples. Of course, a potential problem there is that you'll be so self-conscious that you don't behave like you normally would.
I had a coworker with a "sarcasm problem." From what my friends (also coworkers at the time) and I figured, the guy had two problems going on: (1) He was incapable of perceiving that his personal sense of humor wasn't humorous to others, and (2) he was using this "humor" as a defense mechanism of being uncomfortable in close proximity to other people (was a loner-type). This probably doesn't have any relevance in your situation, of course, but it's something to think about in terms of other possible issues.
Getting your fiancee involved is your best bet if you're truly interested in changing yourself, as jujube suggests.
posted by Ky at 11:43 AM on August 13, 2008
This area is more relevant to linguistics/sociolinguistics than mere voice training. Most people are never consciously aware of how tonal properties affect intended meaning (not just semantics).
The recording idea was one I had too--especially if a friend/your fiancee is willing to be recorded with you one-on-one and analyze the recordings together in discussion so you both can communicate more clearly on specific examples. Of course, a potential problem there is that you'll be so self-conscious that you don't behave like you normally would.
I had a coworker with a "sarcasm problem." From what my friends (also coworkers at the time) and I figured, the guy had two problems going on: (1) He was incapable of perceiving that his personal sense of humor wasn't humorous to others, and (2) he was using this "humor" as a defense mechanism of being uncomfortable in close proximity to other people (was a loner-type). This probably doesn't have any relevance in your situation, of course, but it's something to think about in terms of other possible issues.
Getting your fiancee involved is your best bet if you're truly interested in changing yourself, as jujube suggests.
posted by Ky at 11:43 AM on August 13, 2008
I wonder if an acting coach might be better suited to help you with your personal presentation in this sort of case than a vocal coach. Such people would (hopefully) be very attuned to the subtleties of personal presentation and might be able to offer more helpful advice.
This question reminded me, of course, of this sketch - though I hope your problem is significantly less severe.
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:45 AM on August 13, 2008
This question reminded me, of course, of this sketch - though I hope your problem is significantly less severe.
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:45 AM on August 13, 2008
Best answer: jujube: ask her to mimic back to you the way that YOU said it (including your facial expression/body posture that accompanied what you said).
I'd bet that has a lot to do with it. Tone of voice absolutely indicates sarcasm or sincerity, but almost more so facial expression and body language. I'm guessing that is part of your problem.
posted by gwenlister at 11:45 AM on August 13, 2008
I'd bet that has a lot to do with it. Tone of voice absolutely indicates sarcasm or sincerity, but almost more so facial expression and body language. I'm guessing that is part of your problem.
posted by gwenlister at 11:45 AM on August 13, 2008
it's quite possible it's more general than just a tone of voice. the trouble is that no-one is very good at analysing this kind of thing (communication is an area where our subconscious does almost all the heavy lifting...). so you are unlikely to get much useful feedback from asking random people "why?" (as you have found).
one red flag to me is that you're framing the whole issue as "tone of voice" from the outset. i really don't think you get recurrent relationship problems just because your tone is a bit flat.
so i suggest you look more widely - general attitude, ability to listen, etc.
posted by not sure this is a good idea at 11:49 AM on August 13, 2008
one red flag to me is that you're framing the whole issue as "tone of voice" from the outset. i really don't think you get recurrent relationship problems just because your tone is a bit flat.
so i suggest you look more widely - general attitude, ability to listen, etc.
posted by not sure this is a good idea at 11:49 AM on August 13, 2008
I'm with the people who are saying it might not be just a matter of delivery. Are you really telling us that, for example, when you say "Thanks," people often take you to mean "No thanks", forcing you to clarify?
If so, then it's certainly an interesting problem. Sarcasm usually works by affecting a recognizable tone to implicitly negate what you're saying...but in your case that tone is just there, not doing any communicative work.
However, my speculative diagnosis is that the sarcastic tone, even if it's not doing any communicative work in a given instance, is nonetheless coming from a more generalized need that often enlists real, intentional sarcasm--such as the need to come across as the smartest person in the room, or to insulate your comments from criticism.
In other words, have you asked yourself, "Am I a jerk?"
posted by Beardman at 12:23 PM on August 13, 2008
If so, then it's certainly an interesting problem. Sarcasm usually works by affecting a recognizable tone to implicitly negate what you're saying...but in your case that tone is just there, not doing any communicative work.
However, my speculative diagnosis is that the sarcastic tone, even if it's not doing any communicative work in a given instance, is nonetheless coming from a more generalized need that often enlists real, intentional sarcasm--such as the need to come across as the smartest person in the room, or to insulate your comments from criticism.
In other words, have you asked yourself, "Am I a jerk?"
posted by Beardman at 12:23 PM on August 13, 2008
Response by poster: Thanks all for the help.
I asked my fiancee about this, she says it's both tone and overenunciation. But you all have given me a lot to think on.
I would hope I'm not a jerk in real life. I volunteer at libraries and soup kitchens, I do try to help those I love. I try to actively listen. I realize all these can be true and I can still be a jerk. So perhaps I have a personal inventory to start.
I have to try something. I was introduced to the new boss as "someone you have to understand and 'get' first." I don't want to think of myself as someone who needs "got" before I don't piss people off.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 12:39 PM on August 13, 2008
I asked my fiancee about this, she says it's both tone and overenunciation. But you all have given me a lot to think on.
I would hope I'm not a jerk in real life. I volunteer at libraries and soup kitchens, I do try to help those I love. I try to actively listen. I realize all these can be true and I can still be a jerk. So perhaps I have a personal inventory to start.
I have to try something. I was introduced to the new boss as "someone you have to understand and 'get' first." I don't want to think of myself as someone who needs "got" before I don't piss people off.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 12:39 PM on August 13, 2008
I think you need someone to video you whilst your in normal conversation with someone. Watching oneself on video can be quiet frightening, but it could be educational.
posted by zaphod at 12:47 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by zaphod at 12:47 PM on August 13, 2008
Best answer: Sometimes problems like this emerge from subtle and deeper issues that are difficult to address. It doesn't mean you're a jerk, just that some inner anxieties or angers are working themselves out when you don't intend them to. Sometimes meditation (there are tons of non-Buddhist and Buddhist meditation links in a basic Google search -- or alternately yoga or tai chi could achieve the same effect) helps one develop an inner patience and calm that is difficult to achieve by direct means (that is, it's hard to make a change just by saying to yourself, "I want to be nicer or less sarcastic, etc."). Good luck!
posted by aught at 12:48 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by aught at 12:48 PM on August 13, 2008
Response by poster: Interesting response, aught. The fiancee and I went to a transcendental meditation meeting last week - they wanted to charge us $3000 for the opportunity to relax. We're now looking at a Zen center here in town.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 1:46 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 1:46 PM on August 13, 2008
Serious Question - are you in the line of work that involves computers or IT tech stuff?
posted by evilelvis at 2:26 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by evilelvis at 2:26 PM on August 13, 2008
Response by poster: Evilelvis -- I do work with computers of course, but I mostly handle complaints from government agencies for a corporation.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 2:46 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 2:46 PM on August 13, 2008
Our company offered us trainings from Cara at this company. She analyzes very perceptively and specifically how particular speech characteristics contribute to how the speaker is perceived. I bet she could quickly pinpoint precise behaviors you're doing that are leading to the perception of sarcasm. She travels to different clients - perhaps she'll be in your area if you don't live near her? Or she could refer you to another vocal coach who does handle questions like yours?
posted by daisyace at 3:30 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by daisyace at 3:30 PM on August 13, 2008
i had this problem in work settings. i was too "terse" and "sarcastic" and my personality was "not appropriate." this all stemmed from the fact that i am very direct and don't like beating around the bush. why say three sentences when one will do? i came off as a bitchy jerk because i didn't adopt all the time-wasting office setting pleasantries. maybe something similar?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 5:10 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by misanthropicsarah at 5:10 PM on August 13, 2008
Yes, "good communication skills" in all corporate and personal settings basically require knowledge of appropriate social application of language (tact). Adding a few words or changing one word can have a drastic, amazing effect on how others interact with you. Maybe you'll gain a friend; maybe you'll get fired.
And this is not something that's actually taught in schools. It's almost surprising that there are so many people running around with only that sociolinguistic knowledge that they gleaned from watching other people (possibly even TV) and are actually doing fine in social conversation.
posted by Ky at 6:13 PM on August 13, 2008
And this is not something that's actually taught in schools. It's almost surprising that there are so many people running around with only that sociolinguistic knowledge that they gleaned from watching other people (possibly even TV) and are actually doing fine in social conversation.
posted by Ky at 6:13 PM on August 13, 2008
Best answer: The key to not coming across as a jerk is basically empathy: the ability to perceive how the person you're talking to will understand what you said.
To take desjardins's example of a question to his/her fiancé: "Are you planning to pick up the laundry on the floor tonight?" If someone asked me this question, my reaction would be to assume that the person who said it (1) was upset that there was laundry on the floor, (2) knew very well that I had left it there and was chiding me for it, and (3) was too damn passive-aggressive to say, "You know I don't like it when you leave your laundry on the floor, and I don't like cleaning up after you, so could we work out a solution that pleases both of us?"
Misanthropicsarah's response points out one potential problem that can be hard to realize, even for those who try hard to be empathetic. Much speech in an office setting is phatic speech. Its purpose is not to convey information but to establish or maintain social bonds. One person's "time-wasting office setting pleasantries" are another person's "means of establishing that the person I'm talking to really understands my interests and point of view." When someone asks, "How do you do," that's phatic speech: they do not expect a truthful, detailed account of how you are doing; instead, they are establishing a social bond. To think otherwise is to misunderstand one of the principal roles of human speech.
In short, empathy requires not only sharing feelings, but a sense of what is socially expected in a given situation. If you misjudge that, you can come across as a jerk even though it's the last thing on your mind.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:56 PM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
To take desjardins's example of a question to his/her fiancé: "Are you planning to pick up the laundry on the floor tonight?" If someone asked me this question, my reaction would be to assume that the person who said it (1) was upset that there was laundry on the floor, (2) knew very well that I had left it there and was chiding me for it, and (3) was too damn passive-aggressive to say, "You know I don't like it when you leave your laundry on the floor, and I don't like cleaning up after you, so could we work out a solution that pleases both of us?"
Misanthropicsarah's response points out one potential problem that can be hard to realize, even for those who try hard to be empathetic. Much speech in an office setting is phatic speech. Its purpose is not to convey information but to establish or maintain social bonds. One person's "time-wasting office setting pleasantries" are another person's "means of establishing that the person I'm talking to really understands my interests and point of view." When someone asks, "How do you do," that's phatic speech: they do not expect a truthful, detailed account of how you are doing; instead, they are establishing a social bond. To think otherwise is to misunderstand one of the principal roles of human speech.
In short, empathy requires not only sharing feelings, but a sense of what is socially expected in a given situation. If you misjudge that, you can come across as a jerk even though it's the last thing on your mind.
posted by brianogilvie at 6:56 PM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Are you from Delaware, by any chance? My friends from high-school and I have this valley-girl drawl that always sounds sarcastic.
posted by apetpsychic at 9:39 PM on August 13, 2008
posted by apetpsychic at 9:39 PM on August 13, 2008
Best answer: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
--Abraham Lincoln
Once I started following this advice, my sarcastic reputation seemed to wane. I decided that instead of making what I thought was a light-hearted, jokey comment about everything, I would just bite my tongue and say nothing, or purposely say something that to my ears sounded falsely sincere.
Those comments that I thought were light-hearted and jokey didn't always come off that way to others, I discovered. I'm glad that someone pointed that out to me.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:15 AM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]
--Abraham Lincoln
Once I started following this advice, my sarcastic reputation seemed to wane. I decided that instead of making what I thought was a light-hearted, jokey comment about everything, I would just bite my tongue and say nothing, or purposely say something that to my ears sounded falsely sincere.
Those comments that I thought were light-hearted and jokey didn't always come off that way to others, I discovered. I'm glad that someone pointed that out to me.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:15 AM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "i came off as a bitchy jerk because i didn't adopt all the time-wasting office setting pleasantries."
See, there's a way to seem like a jerk. :) One key thing is to value the people you're talking to enough to realize that really accommodating them while trying to communicate with them isn't a waste of time. Put a different way, spend time when talking to people to really think about where they're coming from and what they're likely expecting or desiring to hear from you.
There are also a number of past AskMe threads about public speaking, usually with someone recommending Toastmasters or similar groups. It may well be worth exploring those options, even if they're oriented towards public speaking. Some of the skills for good communication are true regardless of how many people you're talking to.
posted by anildash at 8:33 AM on August 14, 2008
See, there's a way to seem like a jerk. :) One key thing is to value the people you're talking to enough to realize that really accommodating them while trying to communicate with them isn't a waste of time. Put a different way, spend time when talking to people to really think about where they're coming from and what they're likely expecting or desiring to hear from you.
There are also a number of past AskMe threads about public speaking, usually with someone recommending Toastmasters or similar groups. It may well be worth exploring those options, even if they're oriented towards public speaking. Some of the skills for good communication are true regardless of how many people you're talking to.
posted by anildash at 8:33 AM on August 14, 2008
Response by poster: Again, I thank you all for the well-thought out responses to my question.
I spoke with a group of friends about this issue last night. They agree that the way I talk has hurt all of them at one point. This is an awful thing to find out about yourself. It's something I deperately want to change before I get married.
Anil - I checked out Toastmasters, it only seemed to improve public speaking skills. I have these, and I come across great. Personal speaking skills leave a lot to be desired, obviously.
SuperSquirrel - your comments hit close to home. I'll follow your advice and see if this improves.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 8:51 AM on August 14, 2008
I spoke with a group of friends about this issue last night. They agree that the way I talk has hurt all of them at one point. This is an awful thing to find out about yourself. It's something I deperately want to change before I get married.
Anil - I checked out Toastmasters, it only seemed to improve public speaking skills. I have these, and I come across great. Personal speaking skills leave a lot to be desired, obviously.
SuperSquirrel - your comments hit close to home. I'll follow your advice and see if this improves.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 8:51 AM on August 14, 2008
I have no idea if you are a jerk or what, but I wanted to say that your subject line (I'm sooooo interested in your answers) completely cracked me up every time I saw it. Since it would be a shame to lose a lot of your sense of humor in your efforts to seem less of a jerk, I'd definitely concentrate more on delivery and less on actual commentary. The older I get the more I care about kindness and the more I dislike snark and putdowns. Teasing is an art form, one that most people deliver with a hammer and not with a smile.
Good luck!
posted by 8dot3 at 12:00 PM on August 14, 2008
Good luck!
posted by 8dot3 at 12:00 PM on August 14, 2008
Response by poster: Thanks 8.3, and no doubt I've been bludgeoned with snark too many times.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 2:57 PM on August 14, 2008
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 2:57 PM on August 14, 2008
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posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 11:05 AM on August 13, 2008