Roommate dating
August 9, 2008 9:54 AM   Subscribe

I'm dating a roommate, but we need an excuse to go into her bedroom after a date. What can I do?

She seems to really like me, and we've been going out for a couple of weeks. She's also one of my roommates, but only for a little while longer as she has to go back to the US. There are five students living in this apartment.

She has a room with a door, the rest of us have low walls in a loft setup (this means my room is a no-go).

I'm not sure how to carry the relationship from kissing outside her bedroom door to go inside it. I don't know if coming out with "can I sleep with you tonight?" is a smart thing to say or not. What should a guy do in this situation? Should I just take her by the hand and go in with her?

I feel that she is interested, but is too shy to make a move- especially as there are no convenient excuses like "you have a long way to walk home"... my bedroom is just a few feet away.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Actually, "Can I walk you home?" might be very endearingly cute under the circumstances.
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:05 AM on August 9, 2008 [15 favorites]

Board games are the clear path to victory. Ask to play a game or some cards with her in her bedroom for a little privacy. Or watch a movie if she has a tv in there. Good luck!
posted by Craig at 10:05 AM on August 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

In college, the generally-practiced ruse was to watch a movie together on her laptop. Honestly, it's going to depend on what's in the room.

Or, you could just come out and ask her. "Can I come in?"
posted by muddgirl at 10:09 AM on August 9, 2008

Go old school: offer to give her a backrub. It works for millions of college students every semester.

Really, any excuse is ok — you are wanting a mutually ok reason for you to walk into her room. But that assumes she is interested — she may enjoy kissing you outside her room but not want anything more.

Don't be all socially dissonant and say "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" unless she is into the direct approach (which if she was, she would have made it by now).

Or maybe invite her away for the weekend, to a seaside town or camping or something like that? That gets you into the same room without the embarrassment of having five roommates knowing the details of your sex life, which can be a deal-breaker for a lot of people.
posted by Forktine at 10:23 AM on August 9, 2008

posted by zengargoyle at 10:24 AM on August 9, 2008

"Wanna watch a movie in your room?"
posted by sveskemus at 10:45 AM on August 9, 2008

You want to look at her books, possibly to find one to borrow? You want to look at the photos she has up, or sit with her looking at photo albums?
posted by salvia at 10:48 AM on August 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

IMO, if she wanted you in her room, she'd have invited you in already. Kissing outside the bedroom with the door closed means I don't want you to come in - which is not the same as I'm too shy to invite you in. Does she wait for you to stop kissing/back off a little or leave before she opens her door to go in? Thats a clear sign that she doesn't want to go any further.
If the door is open/ajar and the kisses are more lingering like she doesn't want you to leave then gradually move towards going into the room, if she follows then she's open to you being in her room.
posted by missmagenta at 11:31 AM on August 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Just suggest watching a movie together. Once you have the dvd in hand, suggest you go into her room for "privacy" and so as "not to disturb your other roommates". The rest is up to you. Be sure to bring/have a blankie on hand for snuggling..
posted by zia at 3:22 PM on August 9, 2008

...she may enjoy kissing you outside her room but not want anything more.

Yeah... have you considered maybe talking to her about it... Maybe she has scruples of which you're not aware.

You say she has to go back to the U.S. soon. Are you from the U.S.? I am wondering if there are cultural differences here...
posted by Jahaza at 7:51 PM on August 9, 2008

heh, as an USAn myself i am wondering what sort of cultural differences could a) be explained by the roommate's behavior or b) be explained by roommate being american.

your impending separation sounds like a more likely culprit but not one that will come up unless dragged, ladies do hate unwanted kissing and prodding and invasion into personal spaces so don't do that, i suggest you talk as unromantic as it is.
posted by bluenausea at 8:00 PM on August 9, 2008

Cultural mores aside, I think it sounds like a big jump from kissing outside her door to the Bedroom. Could you go for a long walk somewhere? Drive? Go to a movie? I don't remember exactly where I did what I did, but I sure know that I spent many hot and heavy moments outside of the Bedroom.

I know that when I was a teenager (lets' say, 19), I would have felt much less pressure if I was fooling around somewhere where sex was not really practical but I could still be intimate. Heavy petting and the like. Going into a boy's room, or inviting a boy into my bedroom, would have been a big move for me and one that would have indicated in my mind a willingness to 'go farther'. Your ages and experience regardless, make sure that's something she's comfortable with before worrying about how to get in the bedroom!

You might bring it up sometime when you are NOT kissing in front of her door. For example, while holding hands strolling into town, tell her you think she's a great kisser but you feel a little strange about kissing where someone could walk in on you two, and ask if she feels the same way. That might give her an opportunity to suggest a more intimate location for you two to get physical, while leaving her an 'out' if she isn't really looking to get more intimate with you right now.

(Apologies if I have misunderstood and you two are already past this stage.)
posted by pants at 8:14 PM on August 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

heh, as an USAn myself i am wondering what sort of cultural differences could a) be explained by the roommate's behavior or b) be explained by roommate being american.
I was thinking that she might, for instance, be an evangelical Christian (we've got more of them in the U.S. than there are in some other countries) on a study abroad in Europe or Australia. It's entirely possible in such a situation where someone is away from home they might not be going to church regularly. And she might not have told her new foreign friends about her beliefs. But they might be more conservative than those of the folks around her...
The countries most tolerant of both premarital ... sex were East Germany, West Germany, Austria, Sweden and Slovenia. The most sexually conservative country ... was the Philippines. Five other countries considered sexually conservative were the USA, Ireland, Northern Ireland and Poland. ... Only the Philippines was more conservative [about premarital sex than the United States].
posted by Jahaza at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" is generally a no-go. You could opt for cheesy-- in the middle of the night, knock on her door and say you had a nightmare and ask if you can come in. Then take it from there.
posted by coppermoss at 6:46 PM on August 11, 2008

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