Help with my motivation to learn to drive

July 11, 2008 7:19 PM

I need a good plan that will keep me motivated to learn to drive over the summer. I am 23 years old and have very limited driving experience. It also causes me to experience anxiety and worry to think about driving. What type of plan can I implement to help change my behavior so that I can at least start practicing?

Right now I take the bus and walk. I would love the ability to drive just so that I had that option. In the past, I've had two driver's permits and they both expired with me getting in only a little practice. I get very nervous on the road and I really don't even know where to start. I end up focusing on the driver's exam and experiencing a lot of anxiety. I've been practicing relaxation techniques for months now and using "imagery" which was recommended to me by a professor to help ease the anxiety driving can cause, and it has helped a lot, but now I just need the motivation to get out there and do it!

I really want to get my license, but I don't know how to stay motivated to even try. I planned on getting a new permit again weeks ago and instead I just never have and I sit here and get down on myself because I'm not even trying. In a year I start a rotation at school wherein I will have to travel all over the city to different locations. I can continue to take the bus, but I'm sure driving would be so much easier. Also, my friendships have been limited due to this as it isn't always possible to hop on the bus and meet up.

Does anyone have any advice how I can stay motivated? Any other driving tips for an embarrassed 23 year old? I have a vehicle that I can practice with so that isn't a problem. I've looked at driving schools but I don't have that kind of money. I'll just have to rely on my husband, but I just don't even know where to start! Please help.

posted by rainygrl716 to Travel & Transportation (19 answers total)

If you can afford a car then you can afford driving lessons. They're - what - $50 an hour? You don't need driving school with the filmstrips and all, but you need some road lessons, and they will have package deals and individual sessions. And they are absolutely worth it. I didn't learn how to drive until I was older than you, and can say from experience that every year you wait, the more phobic you get. Now's the time! Driving lessons are worth it because:
1. These people are the most blase people on the planet. They let 16 year old boys who've never been behind the wheel drive them around and absolutely nothing frightens them. Your husband, no matter how chill he is, will feel tense being driven around by someone who doesn't know how and that tension will affect you and compound your fear.
2. Your husband is the man you love and trust and it'll be too easy to quit and pull over and burst into tears. You won't even be tempted to do that with a driving instructor because -
3. You'll be much safer. You'll be in a ridiculous car with STUDENT DRIVER signs all over it. People will avoid you, and they'll keep an eye on you and they will be more cautious in your vicinity than in your husband's normal car. This makes it much easier - to get used to driving before you have to deal with people cutting in front of you, etc.
4. If you make a mistake or get into trouble - that amazingly relaxed driving instructor will have a hand break AND the experience to grab the wheel and safely drive the car through the tricky spot from the passenger seat. Your husband won't know how to do this.

I strongly recommend that you take a few hours of road lessons and get used to things. Then you'll have the confidence to drive your husband around in his car. Then - book a road lesson or two for some scary stuff - like merging onto the expressway, and changing lanes at high speed.

You can do this! Do it now! Good luck!!
posted by moxiedoll at 7:41 PM on July 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Seconding driving lessons. I got in a car accident in 1991 or so and didn't drive again for about a decade, which was Not a Good Idea. While I'm still not enthusiastic about driving and definitely get anxious if I have to go somewhere I haven't been before ("I have to drive to Buffalo?! Arrrghh!"), the driving lessons at least eliminated most of the phobia. A good driving instructor will know how to handle anxiety issues, so be sure to make your needs clear when you're calling around.
posted by thomas j wise at 8:24 PM on July 11, 2008

One word... "Freedom". The adventures await and I try to write this the way I felt at 16. I had that ecstatic feeling of being able to go when I wanted, where I wanted and it can be yours too! I am sure it is tough to get past that feeling of fear but possibly if you compare that fear to the freedom you will have perhaps you will be able to make the jump. Maybe you and the hubby can take a cruise out to some country roads where there is little traffic so you might be able to enjoy driving and slowly ease into the more stressful situations. One thing for sure- the more you do it the easier it will become.
posted by bkeene12 at 8:30 PM on July 11, 2008

Nthing moxiedoll, all of her advice is 100% right on. On the personal anecdote side, I was the Worst Driver In The History Of Driving when I first started taking driving lessons in high school, and I was extremely anxious and nervous about driving in general until a while after I got my license.

Driving some place with my parents back then was way more stressful than the driving lessons, for the same kinds of reasons that moxiedoll mentioned. And that was driving out in the boonies, I can't even imagine driving around in the city back then.

A driving instructor will not get upset at you at all, even if you do dumb stuff that would normally end in a car accident, and will even physically stop the car from the passenger seat if necessary. My driving instructor stopped me from driving into an intersection that would have gotten me hit by an oncoming car once, which was nice.

Anyway, the main other advice I have is to just tough it out through the learning process, because even if it's very stressful, the end result will be that you will be able to drive and have it be no big deal. I'm extremely comfortable driving now, and I've never had any kind of accident in all of the years I've been driving.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:35 PM on July 11, 2008

Pick out some road trips within 100 miles or so and get driving. Take a licensed friend with you and have fun. Get out of town and on the open road and you might like it better.
posted by trbrts at 8:43 PM on July 11, 2008

Don't just take driving lessons; sign yourself up for courses where they teach you high-speed avoidance and car control. Also, go to go-kart places (the indoor high-speed racing kind with helmets, not the day-at-the-fair ones) and practice.

The idea is that you learn to get comfortable with cars and driving, before you have to share the road with others. That way, by the time you hit the street, the whole operating-a-motor-vehicle thing will be no big deal, and you can concentrate on traffic signals and other cars and pedestrians and such.

I'm personally certain the main reason people get into accidents when they're relatively inexperienced isn't just about the inexperience, but also about trying to learn how to operate a car for the first time AND deal with traffic, pedestrians and other cars; far better to learn one in isolation before the other.
posted by davejay at 8:49 PM on July 11, 2008

You may not have that kind of money now for driving school, but can you save up for it? I absolutely agree with moxiedoll's advice, all of it.

I took driving lessons at age 29 because I was in the same spot as you. I was petrified, but my instructor was calm, cool, collected, and convinced me to get out on the road on the very first lesson. Had it been my husband or a friend I would have been driving around a parking lot the whole time, but he was able to talk me into it. When I got out there, I was flabbergasted because it was so much better than I had pictured it. And having someone next to me with the power to slam on the breaks if need be was good. People gave me a wide berth in my student driver car, and in general it was a very good experience.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:08 PM on July 11, 2008

Practice is a New Zealand site that has PDF guides to the most important driving skills. It also has information for your "coach".

You'll need to filter out a few bits referring to the wrong road rules but the basics are there.

I didn't get my restricted license until I was 27 and my full license when I was 29... I wish I had spent less time feeling ashamed of not having the license, and more time just getting on with practicing.
posted by slightlybewildered at 9:54 PM on July 11, 2008

Think of the person that you think would be super cool, confident, experienced driver. (James Bond) Whenever you start to get anxious, just pretend you are that person. (You might want to practice this in your head before hand so it is easy to remember the feeling of being your alter-ego.) My mother hated freeway driving and this really helped her.
posted by metahawk at 10:00 PM on July 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yes, driving lessons, driving lessons, driving lessons. I had four learner's permits, two when I was in high school, one when I was 23, and finally one when I was 25. I was always terrified of driving. Finally, I got a really nice female instructor around my age, and just a few hours of driving with her got me comfortable enough to practice with family member without tears.

So that's to say, lessons don't have to be super expensive. I think it's around $50/hour, which means one lesson costs about what it will cost to fill up your tank once you start driving.

And seriously, within weeks of getting my license, I loved driving and couldn't believe I waited so long. Actually, I've become way too enamored of driving. The independence and flexibility of driving is pretty freaking awesome.

Oh, and try not to think of the driving test as the "goal." I made this mistake, and I think it has to do with overthinking the whole thing. Thinking of this in terms of a test to pass is very nerve-wracking. Instead, keep focusing onthe goal you've asked about here - getting comfortable with driving. Of course, the way to do that is just to drive. And *then*, once you're comfortable, start thinking about the specific skills (3-point turns, parking, etc) you'll need for the test.

Good luck! I've been there.
posted by lunasol at 10:16 PM on July 11, 2008

I know exactly how you feel. I've felt that anxiety since I started driving when I was 15 and I continue to feel it, and now I'm 52. But, I still drive. I find that my anticipatory anxiousness is the problem. Once I get on the road and tell myself I'll be okay, I am okay. I do this everyday. I don't think driving lessons would help me. It's just all in my head. I know how to drive, I know the rules, I'm just not comfortable with it. But it doesn't stop me. Just keep trying. You can do it. The independence is well worth it. Just watch out for the rest of those idiots on the road. LOL.
posted by wv kay in ga at 10:20 PM on July 11, 2008

I haven't practice-driven in about 4 years, for the same reasons mentioned. Driving lessons with an instructor you get on with help, you talk about other stuff and it is undramatised. They can handle anything, seriously! I tried to turn into the oncoming traffic lane and she just said, cool as a cucumber, "Take your hands off the wheel immediately", and she reached over and steered us throught the crossing safely as I sat there with my hands in the air.

Gotta agree on taking a longer trip as well. If you are only doing short trips you don't have time for the anxiety to abate, and on shorter trips you are actively driving the entire time. Drive somewhere far away, after about 40 minutes you start chilling out a little, and on longer stretches a lot of it is just "drive straight forward". Give it a shot, you might even overtake somone!

In terms of motivation, ask your husband for help, get him onboard with not driving you anywhere. If you are both in the car, then you have to be the one driving. Something else I find motivating is to think how nice it would be for us to go out somewhere and my other half can have a few jars and I can drive us home, it's always teh other way round right now.
posted by Iteki at 2:34 AM on July 12, 2008

I'm also 23, and only started driving a couple of weeks ago. I would have to go with some of the other people here and suggest getting private lessons. Mine are $45/hour and the instructor has been extremely helpful in giving suggestions, and helping me to learn the proper techniques that they will look for when you take the road test. The car I'm training in has a brake that the passenger can control, so you don't have to worry about crashing into anything. They will start out slow and gradually build up as you gain confidence.
posted by erpava at 8:07 AM on July 12, 2008

Adding another voice to the chorus. I learned to drive at 23, when I was in grad school and figured I absolutely couldn't put it off any longer. I was terrified of driving and had little to no motivation to learn how to do it. I got a package deal at a local driving school, and kicked myself for not doing it sooner.

There's really no equal substitute for professional help here. Not only was my driving instructor patient, helpful, and calming, he also knew the ins-and-outs of the local DMV's road test. He was able to make sure I was comfortable doing things he knew would be asked of me (like parallel parking) and let me know as we were driving around town what I should look out for during the road test ("When we cross these railroad tracks here, be absolutely sure to slow down and look both ways before proceeding.").

It's worth the money. Honestly. I say this as someone who is equally terrified of spending money.
posted by christie at 8:32 AM on July 12, 2008

I had a phobia for years, following an teenage accident on top of a natural nervousness. I wish I'd had lessons; they might have speeded up the process. But what finally helped was learning how to make one trip.

Take the car around the block, or the local equivalent. Then you can call it a day. The next day, take it another block. Make a loop you know well from being a pedestrian or a passenger. The next day, take yourself to the nearest store. The day after that, ride with your husband to another nearby place, and watch the tricky turns and intersections (if there are any). Then do it yourself.

Soon, you'll be comfortable enough to be comfortable with the fact that it's reasonable to be a little scared about driving. Every driver that isn't a complete roadhog has worries and concerns about the traffic hazards, going to unfamiliar places, and (my "favorite") merging into busy highways. That just means you take it seriously. Knowing this made it so much easier. Except for parking scrapes, I have had no accidents since that one years ago.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:42 AM on July 12, 2008

Nthing a professional instructor - specifically finding one who has lots of experience working with people who have driving anxiety. I knew how to drive (passed the test ages ago) but never drove because I was extremely nervous on the road. I just felt that I couldn't control the car and that other cars were so *close* to me on the road. Once the instructor figured out why I was scared, he told me about some tricks to reduce the anxiety eg. keeping space around the car, how to look ahead and anticipate what's happening on the road etc.

For what it's worth, the instructor told me the average 'nervous' driver is better than an overconfident one because it means we are hyper-aware of our surroundings. The question is how to channel that awareness so it's useful and not paralyzing.

Beyond that, it's just lots and LOTS of practice... and being willing to hop back into the driving seat after moments where you are stressed, scared, or feeling stupid about not getting the car to do what you want it to. Honestly the only thing that kept me going was that I was 'learning' in the heart of sub-zero winter and my car was parked outside, meaning if I didn't drive it every few days, the engine would die. Necessity truly was the ultimate motivator.

Good luck and keep at it! I'm 26 now, started with the instructor two years ago, got on the highway for the first time last year, and am going on my first roadtrip on Monday. I'm stunned to say I actually enjoy driving now.
posted by kitkatcathy at 2:20 PM on July 12, 2008

Response by poster: Thanks for the responses. The place I find around here are $60-70 an hour, so I guess I'll just have to start saving up. I also need to get my permit so I somehow need to muster up the motivation to do that while I save up for the lessons. One place I found has a packaged deal (5 one hour lessons for $300) and while that is A LOT of money for us right now, especially given that my husband my be striking and all our extra income is going toward my school right now, it would be worth it to help my self-esteem.

Thanks for the advice. I am really going to try and get my permit this coming week. I have to start there anyway.
posted by rainygrl716 at 4:58 PM on July 12, 2008

Yes, definitely driving lessons -- the job I had when I was a little older than you are now paid for me to take them. I never did get my license while I was working there, but it was incredibly helpful.

Also, if you have a friend who is NOT your husband who is willing to drive around with you, enlist them. Spouses are notoriously difficult to learn to drive from, and a friend who is willing to be part of your adventure could make a big difference.

Good luck, and have fun!
posted by epersonae at 4:15 PM on July 14, 2008

Car insurance companies take into consideration when you got your driver's license when determining rates. The sooner you get a license, the sooner you can benefit from "experienced driver" rates down the road.
posted by qvtqht at 7:05 PM on July 16, 2008