How can I deal with my wonderful boyfriend's PTSD?
June 1, 2008 9:57 PM Subscribe
I'm in a relationship with a wonderful person who has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Does anyone have any advice on how to support him and myself?
My boyfriend is a wonderful guy who worked as a paramedic in New Orleans for years, had some very jarring experiences and saw some really sad things. He got treatment and has now successfully transitioned to other work in Ohio, where we live. He is fit, has lots of friends, is aware of his need for full recovery, is loving towards me and is all around an amazing person - but two years on, he is plagued by bad dreams, poor sleep and pretty severe anxiety if he doesn't keep very active. Sometimes too, he gets emotionally distant, which is hard on me, and us. He is a really exceptional person and we are both committed to the relationship. I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what you noticed, how you supported your partner, how you dealt with the ups and downs without distancing yourself, etc.
Any thoughts from you thoughtful people would be much appreciated.
My boyfriend is a wonderful guy who worked as a paramedic in New Orleans for years, had some very jarring experiences and saw some really sad things. He got treatment and has now successfully transitioned to other work in Ohio, where we live. He is fit, has lots of friends, is aware of his need for full recovery, is loving towards me and is all around an amazing person - but two years on, he is plagued by bad dreams, poor sleep and pretty severe anxiety if he doesn't keep very active. Sometimes too, he gets emotionally distant, which is hard on me, and us. He is a really exceptional person and we are both committed to the relationship. I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and what you noticed, how you supported your partner, how you dealt with the ups and downs without distancing yourself, etc.
Any thoughts from you thoughtful people would be much appreciated.
you say he got treatment--is he not currently seeing a psychiatrist? you should always see a doctor if an injury is giving you pain (and that's what ptsd is: a mental injury).
medication might help him a lot. a therapist will certainly help. a support group sounds like a great idea.
i think it's safe to say that there are things he doesn't want you to know about what happened to him--not because he wants the power of witholding information, but because it's so painful he wants to protect you from it. a support group and a therapist can help him with that. he might even be able to disempower those memories enough one day to share them with you--but that just might take time. time, i think, is underrated as a healer. assuming he's taking appropriate steps, it will get better, slowly.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:38 AM on June 2, 2008
medication might help him a lot. a therapist will certainly help. a support group sounds like a great idea.
i think it's safe to say that there are things he doesn't want you to know about what happened to him--not because he wants the power of witholding information, but because it's so painful he wants to protect you from it. a support group and a therapist can help him with that. he might even be able to disempower those memories enough one day to share them with you--but that just might take time. time, i think, is underrated as a healer. assuming he's taking appropriate steps, it will get better, slowly.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:38 AM on June 2, 2008
I have PTSD, with anxiety and depression.
What I need, sometimes, is space. Space to just process all this fallout, from all the shit that hit my head.
What I need, sometimes, is to be around lots of people - so I can put aside my worries for a while and just hang out.
What I need, sometimes, is to cry on my husband's shoulder, and have him hold me and tell me I'll be okay eventually, and be able to talk to him about the incredibly bad shit that's happened to me.
And above all, what I need is for my husband to understand that when I need things other than him, it's not about him, it's about the stuff in my head. (This is hard, because of two of the causes of the PTSD).
So, given what you've said, I would encourage your partner to keep an active schedule - help him with it if he asks. Give him space when he needs it. Realise it fundamentally isn't about you, even if it looks like it is. Encourage him to try therapy or a support group; I've found my time in therapy invaluable for learning tools to defuse anxiety and just learn how to chill the fuck out. Ask him if he would like to talk to you about what bothers him, so you can understand a bit better what he's going through, or if he needs to let the memories out to lay them to rest. Be very kind and gentle. Depending on the form his anxiety takes, try not to suprise him (suprises trigger my anxiety like nothing else - even nice ones). Encourage him to voice to you what he needs, when he needs it - and try to fufill that need.
PTSD isn't fun for anyone.
posted by ysabet at 5:25 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
What I need, sometimes, is space. Space to just process all this fallout, from all the shit that hit my head.
What I need, sometimes, is to be around lots of people - so I can put aside my worries for a while and just hang out.
What I need, sometimes, is to cry on my husband's shoulder, and have him hold me and tell me I'll be okay eventually, and be able to talk to him about the incredibly bad shit that's happened to me.
And above all, what I need is for my husband to understand that when I need things other than him, it's not about him, it's about the stuff in my head. (This is hard, because of two of the causes of the PTSD).
So, given what you've said, I would encourage your partner to keep an active schedule - help him with it if he asks. Give him space when he needs it. Realise it fundamentally isn't about you, even if it looks like it is. Encourage him to try therapy or a support group; I've found my time in therapy invaluable for learning tools to defuse anxiety and just learn how to chill the fuck out. Ask him if he would like to talk to you about what bothers him, so you can understand a bit better what he's going through, or if he needs to let the memories out to lay them to rest. Be very kind and gentle. Depending on the form his anxiety takes, try not to suprise him (suprises trigger my anxiety like nothing else - even nice ones). Encourage him to voice to you what he needs, when he needs it - and try to fufill that need.
PTSD isn't fun for anyone.
posted by ysabet at 5:25 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
Rachel Manija Brown wrote a book, All the Fishes Come Home to Roost, about her childhood living on an ashram in India and some of the abuse she experienced. She wrote a three-part essay about her PTSD, her recovery from it, and how to deal with a PTSD sufferer (Parts 1, 2, 3) - it might give you some insight into how other people have dealt with this, and there is a list of her recommended reading at the end. Good luck to you both.
posted by penguinliz at 6:33 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by penguinliz at 6:33 AM on June 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
All the suggestions above seem good to me. I haven't tried it yet so I have no personal experience but EMDR has been recommended as a possibility to me. He may want to investigate the treatment.
posted by Carbolic at 8:22 AM on June 2, 2008
posted by Carbolic at 8:22 AM on June 2, 2008
Hi all, I posted as anonymous, but am now writing back as myself (or my username) DueNorth. Just wanted to thank you all so much for your sensitive comments and suggestions, and wish you all the best too.
posted by DueNorth at 9:25 AM on June 2, 2008
posted by DueNorth at 9:25 AM on June 2, 2008
There's a really great interview in the new issue of Sun Magazine about treating PTSD---not specific treatment ideas, but a general overview of what it takes to recover. He talks mostly about war veterans, but it applies to other circumstances/cases of PTSD.
"Edward Tick began counseling Vietnam veterans in the 1970s, at a time when the nation was trying to put the Vietnam War behind it and post-traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) wasn’t yet a diagnostic category. Since then he has treated veterans of numerous conflicts, from the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s to the Iraq War of today. His methods are based on his study of worldwide spiritual traditions, indigenous cultures, mythology, and the role of the warrior in society. Key to the healing process for veterans, he says, is for them to experience the emotions that they could not allow themselves to feel in the war zone and to address the spiritual damage that they suffered during combat."
posted by hulahulagirl at 6:46 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
"Edward Tick began counseling Vietnam veterans in the 1970s, at a time when the nation was trying to put the Vietnam War behind it and post-traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) wasn’t yet a diagnostic category. Since then he has treated veterans of numerous conflicts, from the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s to the Iraq War of today. His methods are based on his study of worldwide spiritual traditions, indigenous cultures, mythology, and the role of the warrior in society. Key to the healing process for veterans, he says, is for them to experience the emotions that they could not allow themselves to feel in the war zone and to address the spiritual damage that they suffered during combat."
posted by hulahulagirl at 6:46 PM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
I've read over all you've written and looked at the links you've all suggested, and thanks again. It means a lot.
No, he doesn't get therapy anymore. I don't think he wants to. Like many men (hope I'm not generalizing here) he tends to think therapy pathologizes people too much and makes them take on a helpless mentality (though he does admit he fits a profile of PTSD). The article on Edward Tick made sense to me. My boyfriend really is kind of macho, but I mean that in a good way (like an archetypal protector that Tick talks about). He'd probably benefit from a more traditional, community approach to healing - unfortunately not so common in urban culture.
I would like to suggest more therapy, but I don't know how. I think he would be really upset that I am affected too. Lately it has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I am another aspect of his life that he feels he has to manage, and he seems to always be worried about me too. I don't know how to approach the issue of more therapy without making him feel like it is another cataclysm. I think he feels like he's letting me down, and even gets pre-emptively defensive about it. So I try to act natural, or smooth it over, and doubtless he is picking up on my anxiety about the situation, but it is difficult to control. I don't want to confront every single little interaction, so I don't know what the alternative is. I feel like it is a quagmire. He would be so hurt if he knew that I was so conscious of our tiny little interactions, but I find it hard not to be.
I just don't know what to do. I want to respect his need to be alone and not talk about things, but it is hard to seem him suffering. My worst fear, though he often expresses his commitment, is that he will throw his hands up and say it is all too much. I am really trying so hard not to let my own neuroses play into everything, but that's hard too. I know it isn't about me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach the subject of therapy or something? Or how to let him know he is not letting me down?
posted by DueNorth at 1:33 PM on June 3, 2008
No, he doesn't get therapy anymore. I don't think he wants to. Like many men (hope I'm not generalizing here) he tends to think therapy pathologizes people too much and makes them take on a helpless mentality (though he does admit he fits a profile of PTSD). The article on Edward Tick made sense to me. My boyfriend really is kind of macho, but I mean that in a good way (like an archetypal protector that Tick talks about). He'd probably benefit from a more traditional, community approach to healing - unfortunately not so common in urban culture.
I would like to suggest more therapy, but I don't know how. I think he would be really upset that I am affected too. Lately it has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I am another aspect of his life that he feels he has to manage, and he seems to always be worried about me too. I don't know how to approach the issue of more therapy without making him feel like it is another cataclysm. I think he feels like he's letting me down, and even gets pre-emptively defensive about it. So I try to act natural, or smooth it over, and doubtless he is picking up on my anxiety about the situation, but it is difficult to control. I don't want to confront every single little interaction, so I don't know what the alternative is. I feel like it is a quagmire. He would be so hurt if he knew that I was so conscious of our tiny little interactions, but I find it hard not to be.
I just don't know what to do. I want to respect his need to be alone and not talk about things, but it is hard to seem him suffering. My worst fear, though he often expresses his commitment, is that he will throw his hands up and say it is all too much. I am really trying so hard not to let my own neuroses play into everything, but that's hard too. I know it isn't about me. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to approach the subject of therapy or something? Or how to let him know he is not letting me down?
posted by DueNorth at 1:33 PM on June 3, 2008
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It's no reflection on your relationship or his commitment to you that he should probably join a support group. It's just that there are things he's experienced that he needs to talk to someone who's been there themselves. He might feel guilty that he's being hard on you with his current way of coping and may not want to pollute your brain with whatever is stuck in his.
I really am wishing hard for both of you in this.
posted by Grrlscout at 11:28 PM on June 1, 2008