Not-Quite-Sex Tips
May 25, 2008 1:20 PM   Subscribe

I've recently gotten out of a LTR where there was a lot of sex without foreplay-- my ex didn't like to kiss/cuddle/etc. Now I'm with a cute, fabulous girl who absolutely loves making out, and I'm thrilled, but feeling like I've forgotten a lot of my old tricks. Suggestions?

We've straddled each other, I've pinned her, there's ear licking and neck biting... We're both having a great time but I'm worried about falling into a rut and 'boring' her.

Could you tell me your favorite sexual activities that aren't *actually* sex?

Side notes: She has submissive preferences, we've both big food nuts (feeding-strawberries-while-blindfolded is on the table for next time).
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 42 users marked this as a favorite

Massage. Use oil or lotion (although I guess you should probably keep an eye on oils if you are using latex condoms), make sure the room is warm enough to feel totally relaxed while naked, and take your time. Submission can be via her servicing you, or by her having to lay very, very still while you work on her.

And kissing all over -- kissing on the lips is great, but it is fun to kiss someone literally from head to feet and back again. Don't miss any spots, and discover how different the textures and tastes are all over. Though to balance that, I'd say that too much foreplay is about your mouth and fingers -- get good at touching in other ways -- full body contact, or dragging long hair across their body, or whatever. Unexpected touches can be really, really nice.

And don't be afraid to be silly. Sometimes after a hike, or even just a stroll around the block, one of us will yell "Tick inspection!" and drag the other person into the bedroom for a supposed tick check. Ticks are anything but sexy, but a head-to-toe investigation of every nook and cranny is totally sexy and leads to all kinds of fun stuff. (A year or so ago, someone came out with a country song about tick inspections as foreplay, which cracked me up the first time I heard it -- dirty minds think as one.) So go for broke and don't worry about being kind of crazy if that gets the result you are looking for -- role playing, or dressing up, or whatever.
posted by Forktine at 1:34 PM on May 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Check out the wonderful tutorial videos at TwistedMonk. Practice.
posted by Brian James at 1:34 PM on May 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

i miss make-out sessions... one thing that'd drive me nuts is a feather tickler.
posted by xpix at 2:37 PM on May 25, 2008

pretend you're in 10th grade and you have this girl who's never let her jeans off for anyone, not even the captain of the football team. now it is your sworn and solemn duty to get her so wound up that she's seeping through her panties. what do you do? well, kiss and talk and giggle first. put your hand on her thigh and move it up, but then back down again. kiss her neck, ears, collarbone. make out like you're behind the gym skipping study hall. the trick here is to never go for the overtly sexual (leave the genitals and tits alone for now!). draw this process out. do it while watching a movie or making dinner. it's amazing what you'll be able to come up with if you make a rule to not touch her no-no spots until she touches yours.

as for the subby desires...while you're kissing her, grab her hair and hold her in place - go from kissing her mouth to her neck, to her cheeks, to where every you can get without letting go. grab her wrist and place her hand on your thigh, holding her there by her wrist, while you use your other hand to feel under her shirt.

adding to this - places on most female bodies that are very sensitive and nice places to kiss, touch, rub, (or if you're going for subby pain) press, hold, and bruise - go for the hip bones, backs of knees, stomach, underside of the upper part of the arm (under the bicep, for lack of a better description), collar bone, hands, feet...basically, think of all her softest skin, take out the naughty parts, and try stuff until she squirms.
posted by nadawi at 3:03 PM on May 25, 2008 [12 favorites]

The old Maxim (I think) line is to not touch the triangular area from her nupples to her genitals until you've touched every other part of her body twice.
posted by Space Coyote at 3:23 PM on May 25, 2008

Here is a video of Brad Paisley's tick song. I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers / And I'd like to check you for ticks.

Also, I'm always a big fan of extending the foreplay way out past the time in the bedroom. A well-chosen word or touch, two hours before when you are out at a party or at the grocery store, can lay the foundation for what you do at home. It's a lot easier to get things going when you aren't starting from zero. It partly means being open to more things as "foreplay," and partly means being assertive enough to take advantage of those opportunities.
posted by Forktine at 4:59 PM on May 25, 2008

Just thought I would pop in to say this: Do keep telling her how utterly thrilled you are!
posted by misha at 5:26 PM on May 25, 2008

Fun post.

Seconding an oil massage. You don't have to go for fancy oils: I make my own by mixing apricot seed, avocado, and macadamia oils (that you can get at the supermarket, and as a plus are also edible!) Mix small quantities, as nut oils will go rancid in a few months.

Also: Ask her what she wants! It takes two to keep sex interesting.
posted by GardenGal at 6:51 PM on May 25, 2008

And by massage, I mean full-body. Not just backrub.
posted by GardenGal at 6:54 PM on May 25, 2008

Oh, wow, know of what you speak! (I'm female).

Only thing I can add to the excellent suggestions above is:
-softly touching nipples over clothes (this is a thriller, really)
-lightly kissing ears/ears area
-I nth the grabbing hair thing if she's a bit sub - that's wonderful
-grabbing, taking hold, in general, is a super turn on for girls
-feel free to pick her up and throw her down on the sofa/bed - super turn on!
-grabbing her hips (fully clothed, of course) and pulling them into yours

Oh, man, I need to stop. My SO is overseas. :)

I second telling her how thrilled you are! Sounds great! Enjoy! And you are awesome for asking this question.
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 8:16 PM on May 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Massage is great, when you go down... do the alphabet... A down down across, B down around around, C around, D down and around the other way, E down across across... keep going, F, G, H, I, J, K...

Go to the book store, find the Kama Sutra, read the other sex books. You can scratch, bite, nibble and kiss all over... rake your fingernails down her side, let your thumbs hit her breasts. Or just press them into her and twist. Suck her toes.

I'll be in my bunk.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:58 PM on May 25, 2008

Push your head against her really hard, like a cat does.

I'm not joking.
posted by beerbajay at 6:19 AM on May 26, 2008 [3 favorites]

As someone who's also on the subby side, I highly recommend writing on her. All sorts of creative directions to take that one.

To build up some before-meeting sexual anticipation, call/text things she should do or wear, or some kind of 'orders' for her to carry out. This one is probably best if you both have personal cellphones---otherwise, awkward moment potential abounds.
posted by lacedback at 1:18 PM on May 26, 2008

Mhmm. Not just writing, but drawing. Bonus if its in places she can't see. And if you do henna, she has to stay still while the ink sets.

Pay attention to breathing. Make it a game to provoke particular gasps and sighs and quickenings of breath.

Wrap your hand around her throat. Not squeezing (unless she likes that), just kind of holding enough to keep her still while you kiss the nape of her neck.

Wrestling! It can veer from playful to intense, and is conducive to pinning her, tickling, kissing and biting various bits. And gets everybody breathing hard.
posted by hippugeek at 4:49 PM on May 26, 2008

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