no casual sex please
May 6, 2008 5:56 PM   Subscribe

What would you say to someone who doesn't want anything more than just casual sex with you when you are looking for a full on relationship with them?

I plan on telling this guy I have been dating that I would really like to see him more often. So far I have been doing all the heavy work in the past 3 weeks. Initiating the dates, asking him if he would like to get together and so on. I'm getting tired of it. I'm thinking he is just going with the flow, not interested in me and trying not to upset me, just playing it safe and or keeping me around for nookie. I'm at the point were i'm going to tell him that I want to see him more and spend more time dating him. He has not expressed to me what he is looking for so I'm going to bring it up. If he doesn't want more than what we have now, I don't think I can see him anymore because I truly want more with him. Seeing him once or twice a week is not enough and adding on that he hasn't taken the initiative to ask me out. So if he says he doesn't want more, what should I tell him? I need something really good to say to him. I was thinking of "Well, we had our fun, but I can no longer see you". What do you think?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

I was thinking of "Well, we had our fun, but I can no longer see you". What do you think?

Yup, that's it, though any version of "goodbye" will do.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:02 PM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Has it occurred to you that the fact you have to do all of the work, etc, means he's probably not good long term relationship material, and you're already in the realm of an unhealthy relationship as it stands now?

I'd say it sounds like a full on relationship doesn't sound like a good idea... and asking him for it is even less of a good idea because if he's as nonconfrontational as you describe, he'll probably "go with the flow" and say OK ... all the while continuing to behave the same way he is now...
posted by twiggy at 6:04 PM on May 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

I don't think you should be too concerned about the precise wording here. All you really need to say is that you don't want to be involved with him anymore.
posted by svolix at 6:06 PM on May 6, 2008

I'm thinking he is just going with the flow, not interested in me and trying not to upset me, just playing it safe and or keeping me around for nookie. I'm at the point were i'm going to tell him that I want to see him more and spend more time dating him.

So, you think he's not interested in you, and just uses you for sex.

And you want to spend more time with him.

Why, exactly? (This is a rhetorical question.)

Tell him: it's been fun, thanks, bye. Don't call me.
posted by rtha at 6:11 PM on May 6, 2008 [6 favorites]

I'm thinking he is just going with the flow, not interested in me and trying not to upset me, just playing it safe and or keeping me around for nookie. I'm at the point were i'm going to tell him that I want to see him more and spend more time dating him.

why on earth would you want to do that? you've already expressed as much interest as you possibly can. if he's not stepping up to the occasion, spelling it out for him isn't going to make it better. at most, he may feel guilty and try to play along for a while. but it won't last. he'll either get tired of keeping up the pretense, cheat, or both.

i wouldn't even offer him the option of a relationship. just say, "hey, we've had fun, but i'm looking for a more stable relationship and you don't seem to be to into that idea, so i think it's time for us to go our separate ways."

i'd be shocked if he objected.

and you, my dear, deserve someone who adores you from the very start. so go find him. it's not this guy.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:11 PM on May 6, 2008 [4 favorites]

I think it's worthwhile to be honest and open. If he's as clueless as my husband, it might not be a deliberate or even a careless relationship, but talking about it should clear that up for you, one way or another. If he makes it clear that he prefers a friends-with-benefits thing, yeah, that's a good time to go, nah, that doesn't work for me, it's been fun, see ya.
posted by b33j at 6:19 PM on May 6, 2008

I'm with twiggy, rtha and thinkingwoman on this: the guy doesn't sound particularly mentally or emotionally mature and certainly doesn't strike me as being all that concerned for you or for your "relationship" so it baffles me somewhat that you desire to turn it into something more stable and serious.
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:19 PM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

why not just stop making the first move. He either starts to take the lead, or he doesn't

either way it's problem solved.....
posted by Mr_Chips at 6:20 PM on May 6, 2008

Yeah, what Mr_Chips said. You're doing all the work... and you want more? Not making much sense here.

But hey, if that's what you want to do, that'syour lookout. If all he wants is sex (and you want more), just say "Okay, well, that's not what I'm looking for. Thanks for the fun times, cheers."

And. Having been there, let me just say: do not ever make the mistake of thinking "Well, it's just sex for now, I can bring him around." You can't, he won't, don't bother.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:32 PM on May 6, 2008

What would you say to someone who doesn't want anything more than just casual sex with you when you are looking for a full on relationship with them?

posted by OmieWise at 6:39 PM on May 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

I agree with b33j... there's no harm in telling him why you don't want to see him anymore. Something like "Well, we had our fun, but I'm looking for more than just casual sex, so maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore". That way he can at least tell you if he sees things differently.
posted by arianell at 6:47 PM on May 6, 2008

I need something really good to say to him.

No you don't. A simple "I had hoped we could be more, but you don't seem interested, so goodbye" is fine. If you're looking for one last gotcha or a great zinger to really tell him off, then you're just playing games and remember what happens with games: there's a winner and a loser. Since you're polling random strangers on the net for that last zinger, guess what side you're probably going to come out on?

Just end it and move on to something better.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:57 PM on May 6, 2008

Do. not. want. kthanxbai!
posted by crabintheocean at 6:59 PM on May 6, 2008

Go ahead with your plan & tell him that you want to see him more and spend more time dating him. If he's not into that idea, start talking about how much you really really want babies.

That should get rid of him, quick-smart.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:31 PM on May 6, 2008

nthing "goodbye."
posted by brevator at 7:31 PM on May 6, 2008

I disagree with those who say you should just stop seeing him without explaining. You _should_ explain -- the thing is, some people are really that clueless. If you spell out exactly what you want, you risk little, learn some, and could win in the end. This guy might just be inconsiderate and/or immature, but there's a (small, admittedly) chance that he just needs a clue or three. You may be just the person to give it to him.

Or he might need a series of clues, of which this relationship will be just the first. Or he might not be that into you, which is fine, but for heaven's sake there's no reason not to give him a chance to think about it.
posted by amtho at 7:39 PM on May 6, 2008

You are only three weeks into this relationship. Don't expect him to read your mind. I would say "What we are doing now, isn't working for me. This relationship could go two ways - get more serious or break up." If he doesn't know what's wrong, describe in a factual way (not blaming him, just a neutral description of your history and then how it makes you feel). If he wants to get more serious then let him know that you expect more from him.

Give him one try, if he wants it. If he gets better for a week or two and slips back into letting you do all the work then dump him for sure. If he doesn't want another try, then it's "thanks for the memories" time.
posted by metahawk at 7:52 PM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I agree with AMTHO....tell him what you want..if you dont want to say relationship u may say "something more" and not satisfied with what you currently have...but dont just leave without saying why.....he may not know thats what you want...
posted by The1andonly at 7:55 PM on May 6, 2008

Thank you, amtho.

Some guys(actually I should include females here too) are just ridiculously stupid when it comes to relationships. Just be honest. It sounds like you are on the right track already. I would just add that in my experience most people are in some type of mode when it comes to relationships. They want commitment or they don't. Maybe they're iffy but you don't know until you ask. One piece of advice, find this out before you get "into it" next time. It boggles my mind when people don't ask these types of questions beforehand.
posted by P.o.B. at 8:03 PM on May 6, 2008

Although I personally hated getting the "So, where is this relationship going" question, because it was usually bad news, this seems like one of those times where it's actually appropriate.

So, I'd echo the sentiment from above: "What we are doing now, isn't working for me. This relationship could go two ways - get more serious or break up."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:06 PM on May 6, 2008

I agree with the "you deserve someone who adores you" sentiment, but it's only been 3 weeks. 3 weeks seems like a fairly short amount of time before having the "where are we going with this" discussion.

If you feel like you're doing work to maintain a relationship that's only a couple of weeks old...then it's just not the right relationship for you. Why would you want to "add more work" to something that has lasted less time than a packet of hot dog buns if you feel like you're not getting an equitable reward?

Also, seeing someone more than a couple times a week is a lot of time for people that have lives. I mean, you have to find time to do grocery shopping, run errands, get your hair done, play a game, hang out with other friends, etc.

When I was single and climbing the corporate ladder, if I'd been dating a guy for a few weeks and I saw him as often as a couple of times a week, and he demanded that I somehow find *more* of my off time to spend with him instead of doing the things I'd been doing *before* I'd started dating him, he'd be an ex pretty quickly. That's just not enough sweat equity time to start making demands on the rest of my free time, ya know?

That said; my husband asked me to marry him on our first date, and we moved in together a few weeks later and have been together for 13+ years. So you gotta be able to recognize the keepers. ;)

If you feel like you're not getting enough out of the relationship as it stands, because he's not putting any effort into it...the answer is not "demand more of his time". The answer is to say "Hey, so I notice that you're not really calling me that much, it seems like I'm doing most of the scheduling for us to get together. What's up with that?"

But before doing that; I think you should probably take some reflection time and consider what it is you really want. Do you want *this* particular guy or do you want a permanent relationship with *a* guy, and this one is handy? What sort of relationship do you want...not just with this guy, but overall...what is it that you expect in a relationship? Do you think that compatibility means that you should move in together, or are you more comfortable maintaining your own space and seeing someone a couple of times a week? Is the biological clock ticking and you're ready for marriage and kids and picket fence in the suburbs? (Forget the house, who can get a mortgage? But the fences are nice.)

Leaving this guy out of the equation entirely, define what it is that *you* need and want. Then take a look at this guy and decide what conversation you *really* want to have.
posted by dejah420 at 9:57 PM on May 6, 2008 [2 favorites]

I've been on the receiving end of someone who wanted more, but never made it obvious.
I was being overly cautious and not 'throwing myself' out there so much, and it did hurt when I rang her up to see what she was doing that night to have her say she was going out with some guy she met somewhere else. And only when I pushed her for a reason she said she wanted more, and had decided that I wasn't keen. I genuinely was keen on her, I just didn't want to scare her off too early on. So if she had just told me she was really interested in me, I would have booked dinner for two that night!

Have the conversation first, say what you want, sure he might just play along even if he's not 100% keen, but that should be detectable and then you can cut yourself loose.
posted by chrisbucks at 10:10 PM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I would say 'Fuck off'.

Then I would end up calling them the next time I was drunk and lonely.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:57 PM on May 6, 2008 [3 favorites]

"no casual sex please" Really? Without passing any judgment here, your actions have not been in sync with what you say you want. This has been an extremely short term (3 week) "relationship" that you initiated and continue to encourage that appears to be very much about casual sex.

Take a few steps back and give some serious thought to what you REALLY want. If it truly is a long term, serious relationship with a man, start thinking about how that might happen for you. Maybe it means falling into bed week one because of a strong physical attraction, but maybe it means getting to know the vertical man first, and he you. There's a lot to be said for being patient with each other, and even more so where there is a strong physical attraction. Few of us are able to be objective when our socks are being blown off in a fit of an easy, three week passion play.

So back to your initial question, what to do here? I say, start over.

After you decide what you REALLY REALLY want, then talk to this man about that. If he hangs around long enough to figure out what you MIGHT really, really want, then he just may be a keeper, but please be honest enough with him to say you would like him to take the lead for now, because that is what you are saying you might really really want for now. (Sorry for the sarcasm, but no better way to make my point here, I fear.)

To my way of thinking, there is no serious, long term relationship that is not all about figuring out how to talk things through to either logical or even illogical conclusion. If all else fails, then find a way to agree to disagree. In the absence of that, you are simply having hot, casual sex at first, then sex, then no sex, short or long term relationship notwithstanding, even marriage notwithstanding.

So, anonymous? If you want no "casual" sex, make that obvious by not having casual sex, but be well prepared for the famine that follows. The desert is long and wide and oh so dry.

Keep your lips moist.
posted by LiveLurker at 11:15 PM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

there was a time i was psyching all the results i was asking this guy out and he would acquise but he never took the initiative back. It drove me batshit. If he didn't like me, why would he agree to go out with me. But if he liked me, why didn't he make the first move (once in a while would be nice!).

I even went through the "he's just not that into you" the person above me posted. It showed me a lot of examples which i could see similarities to and yet i read the guys' responses to the book that completely disclaimed it.

In the end, i just went ahead and asked my straight guy best friends and i got the same answer from them - which is, if a guys wants something or wants to go out with you, he will make the first move. He not making the first move, DTMFA.
posted by prudie at 3:02 AM on May 7, 2008

prudie, while that's often true it's not always true, and frankly should be exposed for the bullshit it is. Not all guys will make the first move, and frankly to say that someone should be dumped for not doing so? What if he's waiting for you?

Playing games is fucking stupid. Be open and honest with the people you're dating. This goes for the OP, too.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:06 AM on May 7, 2008

It's only been three weeks? Yes, that's too early for the "where are we going with this" conversation. Just stop trying to make things happen and let the situation take its own course. Don't row the boat any harder than he does. If you're the only one calling, and/or the only one making arrangements, stop doing that. If he starts calling you and making suggestions about getting together, then you've got something to work with and you can begin doing the same. If all you get is radio silence, then you know you don't.
posted by orange swan at 9:36 AM on May 7, 2008

Back off. Usually works in defining things quite well.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:52 AM on May 7, 2008

"Well, nice knowing you, have a nice life."

Also, check out "He's Just Not That Into You" for a nice morale boost.
posted by mynameismandab at 11:32 AM on May 8, 2008

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